friend rips on hubby....would you be ticked?

[hsingscrapper]

I was feeling a little down the other day. I turned to my only sister for moral support. We talked for a bit and I felt loads better.

 

She turned around and texted a mutual friend to reach out to me. We texted and she said my mom and sister were worried. I told her that with the health problems my mom's having and the financial problems they're having, I didn't really want to unload on them. We currently are without a steady income but we have less problems than them.

 

Well the next day this friend and I start texting again and she starts telling me, repeatedly, that I should leave my hubby because my mom and sister think he's hitting me.

 

Our marriage isn't perfect. He lost his job almost three years ago and I think his self-respect went with it. When I've worked part-time in the past, I still had to do everything so I would rather work from home.

 

Would you be ticked as this friend has never had a lengthy conversation with him and is going on my mom and sister's point of view.

[Guest]

It would bother me, yes. I had a friend who made some false assumptions about my marriage at one time and our friendship dissolved.

[Mandylubug]

well, it would depend. Sometimes, the truth hurts. Even though she doesn't know him, is her comment about him hitting you truthful? If so, then that is what is hurting you more so than others.

 

I agree it isn't truly her place to say something but then again it takes a stranger to help you see the light in some instances.

[Mommy22alyns]

Yes, that is not her place.

[elegantlion]

If he's abusing you, then your friend was not out of line. She's just going off the information given to her.

 

If he's not abusing you then I'd thank her for her support and reiterate things are fine in that department.

 

I've lived with an unemployed husband. It's not fun, it plays with a man's psyche. Some people don't get that. Over the years I've shortened the list of people I confide in about my dh. When you're in bad time and confide, people get a jaded sense of your spouse. Then they might not see the good times when they show up and they still hold a grudge that you're with him.

 

that happened to me. We moved, but I am utterly convinced that had we not one particular friend would have tried to influence me to leave my dh when she didn't know the whole story and had a completely different outlook on marriage and relationships.

 

If their fears are unfounded, find someone else to confide in.

[happyhomemaker]

I would be hurt that my friend so readily believed something like that. At least she came directly to you with her concerns, unlike your mother and sister. I would be beyond livid at them (mom and sister) for thinking something like that and then gossiping about their assumptions to others.

[kalanamak]

What she did was gauche. She should not have told you to leave him. She should have approached this with an open ended question and not dragged your family into it.

 

"I'm not sure how to say this but I am concerned you have a scary burden in your marriage...."

 

As someone who stayed with a boyfriend through abuse until my parents were out of the country*, I did not appreciate the tactless comments I got ("You must get a thrill out of this in bed", "You must have been molested by your father and just not remember it", and "You must be calling him fat", e.g.) from every Jane, Jill, and Harriet who felt their opinions were worthy of foisting on me.

 

*He said he would kill my parents if I left him, and bought a service revolver and held to my head, explaining what he would do. I elected to risk my hide rather than live on with dead parents. When they went up the Amazon for a few months, I did a powder, moved, changed my name, and hid.

[TXBeth]

It depends. Has your husband ever hit you, even once? If he has, friend is not out of line; she is a good friend. If he hasn't buy your sis told friend he has, then friend is not out of line but sister is.

[kalanamak]

If he's abusing you, then your friend was not out of line.

 

Nope, that kind of comment drives people further into the arms of the abuser. Wrong approach. Puts her on the defensive and seals her up. Also makes her angry at her family for saying such things and may cut her off from them, too.

[Mama Geek]

I was feeling a little down the other day. I turned to my only sister for moral support. We talked for a bit and I felt loads better.

 

She turned around and texted a mutual friend to reach out to me. We texted and she said my mom and sister were worried. I told her that with the health problems my mom's having and the financial problems they're having, I didn't really want to unload on them. We currently are without a steady income but we have less problems than them.

 

Well the next day this friend and I start texting again and she starts telling me, repeatedly, that I should leave my hubby because my mom and sister think he's hitting me.

 

Our marriage isn't perfect. He lost his job almost three years ago and I think his self-respect went with it. When I've worked part-time in the past, I still had to do everything so I would rather work from home.

 

Would you be ticked as this friend has never had a lengthy conversation with him and is going on my mom and sister's point of view.

 

It sounds like you need a different friend to confide in and get advice from, unless your dh is hitting you.

 

ETA: I also learned long ago not to discuss issues with dh with my family and he has learned the same. You may want to quit talking to your sis about problems with your dh. Family will hold grudges long after you and dh work things out.

Edited July 15, 2012 by Mama Geek

[elegantlion]

Nope, that kind of comment drives people further into the arms of the abuser. Wrong approach. Puts her on the defensive and seals her up. Also makes her angry at her family for saying such things and may cut her off from them, too.

 

Thanks for the clarification. So would you approach like you mentioned in your other post? Would you actually ask if the person is being abused or would you keep it vague and hope they open up?

 

Congrats to you for getting out of that situation.

[kalanamak]

Thanks for the clarification. So would you approach like you mentioned in your other post? Would you actually ask if the person is being abused or would you keep it vague and hope they open up?

 

Congrats to you for getting out of that situation.

 

I would start vague AFTER I had assessed the source. I would consider consulting a "best friend" of the person, tactfully, to see if S/HE was ready to spill the beans and was wondering what to do.

 

I would do it in person, not in text. If the person wasn't just ready to burst with the info, I would tell her I was in a bit of a pickle.... that I had heard something, possibly, and was just wondering what to do about it. If the person said "no, nothing's wrong", I would sound relieved like I believed her, and leave a door open.

 

I knew an abused young mother once. I knew she wasn't going to leave with a newborn. I'd been renting a room from them, and had "heard" things. When I moved out I whispered: if you ever need a place to stay, and whisked out the door. She appeared a couple of months later, and she and I are still good friends, 35 years later.

[Denisemomof4]

What she did was gauche. She should not have told you to leave him. She should have approached this with an open ended question and not dragged your family into it.

 

"I'm not sure how to say this but I am concerned you have a scary burden in your marriage...."

 

As someone who stayed with a boyfriend through abuse until my parents were out of the country*, I did not appreciate the tactless comments I got ("You must get a thrill out of this in bed", "You must have been molested by your father and just not remember it", and "You must be calling him fat", e.g.) from every Jane, Jill, and Harriet who felt their opinions were worthy of foisting on me.

 

*He said he would kill my parents if I left him, and bought a service revolver and held to my head, explaining what he would do. I elected to risk my hide rather than live on with dead parents. When they went up the Amazon for a few months, I did a powder, moved, changed my name, and hid.

 

WOW. What a HORRIBLE experience for you! I am so glad you were able to escape.

 

Those women who made those comments? what morons.

[Girl Power]

Nope, that kind of comment drives people further into the arms of the abuser. Wrong approach. Puts her on the defensive and seals her up. Also makes her angry at her family for saying such things and may cut her off from them, too.

 

:iagree:

[hsingscrapper]

He would never hit me. I fully explained to him very early in our relationship what I had been through prior to him and demonstrated on a nearby stick or french fry (I forget which) what I would do to him or anyone else who abused me ever again.

 

My mom and sis have *never* approved of anyone I've ever been with. My dad (R.I.P. 2002) gave his blessing by handing my beloved something to hang on to for my oldest son until he was old enough for it. My dad was a good judge of character and wouldn't have done that if he didn't have faith in my then future dh. That spoke volumes to me.

[MrsMe]

Well, I'd personally rather unload on a non-family member or even here, where I can get a well-rounded point of view. As I see it, sometimes venting to people who you know or family, just gives them "ammo" to start bashing. And I despise DH bashing.

 

I have one friend who would listen with an open mind. But for the most part, I'd keep it to myself or someone who didn't know him.

[Laurie4b]

You didn't say in your post whether or not it is true that he is hitting you. If he is, even if it's just "occasionally," there is no reason to be mad at anyone. If he isn't, if it were me, I'd be mad at the family members who are spreading false rumors, not at the friend who believes them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

He would never hit me. I fully explained to him very early in our relationship what I had been through prior to him and demonstrated on a nearby stick or french fry (I forget which) what I would do to him or anyone else who abused me ever again.

 

My mom and sis have *never* approved of anyone I've ever been with. My dad (R.I.P. 2002) gave his blessing by handing my beloved something to hang on to for my oldest son until he was old enough for it. My dad was a good judge of character and wouldn't have done that if he didn't have faith in my then future dh. That spoke volumes to me.

 

Good boundaries start with you. If your mother and sister don't approve of your husband to the point of spreading false rumors about him, then you cannot let yourself vent to either of them about him.

[annandatje]

He would never hit me. I fully explained to him very early in our relationship what I had been through prior to him and demonstrated on a nearby stick or french fry (I forget which) what I would do to him or anyone else who abused me ever again.

 

My mom and sis have *never* approved of anyone I've ever been with. My dad (R.I.P. 2002) gave his blessing by handing my beloved something to hang on to for my oldest son until he was old enough for it. My dad was a good judge of character and wouldn't have done that if he didn't have faith in my then future dh. That spoke volumes to me.

 

You have learned a hard valuable lesson. It is wise to share marital troubles only with your partner or a professional. When you tell a friend or relative of certain actions taken by your partner, that friend or relative may harbor ill feelings long after you have forgiven your partner and moved on, which can make the situation very awkward.

[Little Nyssa]

I did this once... I confronted dear friend's DH about things she had confided in me and I told him to shape up. (This was not a violent situation-- her DH had asked her mother to leave, who had come to help with the baby and stay with them for a while, leaving my friend with no help). Turns out friend was only venting to me in a dark moment. Her mom was behaving in an unbearable way and DH was taking the pressure off my friend by asking her mom to leave. Friend agreed with him eventually though it was a difficult time. I had not known the entire situation. I thought her DH was just being a pig.

 

She expected me to keep what she had said confidential and she felt betrayed by me. I only wanted what was best for her and thought I was doing the right thing. This taught me not to think that the world is on my shoulders. Sometimes you just have to listen and that's your job. Perhaps your friend cares about you but is just clueless about how to manage the situation.

 

I promised my friend that I would always keep whatever she said about anything confidential from then on. We kept on our friendship. We have known each other all our lives so this was just a bump in the road.

[Soror]

Good boundaries start with you. If your mother and sister don't approve of your husband to the point of spreading false rumors about him, then you cannot let yourself vent to either of them about him.

 

:iagree: You have to be careful who you confide in!

[tex-mex]

If he's abusing you, then your friend was not out of line. She's just going off the information given to her.

 

If he's not abusing you then I'd thank her for her support and reiterate things are fine in that department.

 

I've lived with an unemployed husband. It's not fun, it plays with a man's psyche. Some people don't get that. Over the years I've shortened the list of people I confide in about my dh. When you're in bad time and confide, people get a jaded sense of your spouse. Then they might not see the good times when they show up and they still hold a grudge that you're with him.

 

that happened to me. We moved, but I am utterly convinced that had we not one particular friend would have tried to influence me to leave my dh when she didn't know the whole story and had a completely different outlook on marriage and relationships.

 

If their fears are unfounded, find someone else to confide in.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

We've been married for 25 years this June. I tell ya, it is a lot of work, but I love my hubby dearly. We've been rich and we've been poor. We've been thru it thick and thin. And I would not trade it away for all of the tea in China. ;)

 

My hubby has been unemployed and I had to become the breadwinner back in our first decade of marriage. It took a toll on him. We turned lemons into lemonade and instead of hiring a nanny, I suggested he look after our newborn child. It worked like a charm. That baby got him out of his depression and gave him focus for his new son. And it turned out he was pretty darn good at being better with my son than I would have been... I tend to be very relaxed and not routine oriented. He bonded with baby and out came a nuturing side of him I never saw before. Turned out routine and scheduling were what baby needed for meals and naps. Years later, we discovered he had a rare liver disease and the routine kept him from going into crisis. ;)

 

I think your friend is being very judgmental over your husband. If there is abuse or a situation like severe depression going on, he needs intervention or help. If not, it is none of her beeswax. Form up a fence and ditch that girl from your home. She is not a friend.

[kalanamak]

 

Those women who made those comments? what morons.

 

Actually, just humans, and young ones at that. I learned a *very good lesson* from them, the kind of thing I might never have noticed and been guilty of myself (at least in my thinking; I would have never said anything.):

 

In their hearts, unknowingly, they believed that if I DID something to bring this on, it would never happen to them, because they would no do this. If they accepted I was just a decent girl from the sticks who had never met such a person, it could also happen to THEM. And that scared them.

 

I learned another great lesson: the cult of personality. Those who knew him sided with him, even with my black eye and bruises the size of dinner plates. Those who did not know him took risks to hide me. His "charm" over-rode sense, a lesson I hold very close to me. The Penn State scandal is much more understandable to me having been through this.

 

And I learned a minor lesson: abusers look for victims. Men who would never normally approach me would come up on the street and say, "Missy, this must be the work of a bad boy friend. I'm going to Alaska this week. Won't you come with me?" This was more terrifying than my bf, actually.

 

And I learned a lesson about my family: It never, ever crossed my mind this was normal, acceptable, or that I in any way provoked or deserved this. Many others fall for abuser's lies. I never did. I owed this to my parents. A couple of years later Hedda Nussbaum was all over the TV where I was living (NYC). While I got some palpitations watching the interviews, I had a ticker-tape running through my head: that would be me, but for my parents.

 

I've posted all this before, but I think it very important things for people to know. And when, in a group and someone starts ragging on about some stupid woman who stays with an abuser, I always speak up (luckily, this has stopped now that my peers are older). And a few times, later, a woman has crept up to me and told me she, too, had an abuse boyfriend in college. Considering the rude comments, I don't blame them for keeping silent. But I will not.

Edited July 16, 2012 by kalanamak
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