Foster Parents - Making Decisions About Placements

[Perogi]

We have placement decisions to make and it is making me crazy!!! How do YOU do it??

 

We have a 3 month old boy right now that we've had for 6 weeks. Right after we got him we were told that he would moving to a different jurisdiction for proximity to Mom. Another placement came up (2.5yo girl) and we accepted. We are/have been a one placement family but took her because there was a drastic need and we were under the impression that we'd be back down to one placement within a couple of weeks.

 

Well - you guessed it - baby boy is NOT moving jurisdictions. I got that phone call this morning. So....we have a decision to make: keep both placements, ask them to move baby boy anyway or ask them to move toddler girl.

 

How do I make this decision??? I've never had to ask for a child in my care to be moved - it's an awful feeling.

 

I know that we *could* do both placements but I don't know if that's best for our family. I can think of pros and cons for each child and it just feels WEIRD to be evaluating these kids and trying to pick one. Both of their futures are up in the air so we really don't know anything about the future - I don't know how to make a choice when I don't have any idea what the future holds....My *guess* is that toddler girl would be here a long time and that baby boy would be shorter but nothing is ever certain.

 

Dh is stumped also. We're supposed to give an answer the end of this week/early next week.

 

Help?!

[Tohru]

:grouphug:

 

What a heart breaking decision! If it absolutely had to be between the two, I'd keep the toddler because the 3 month old is only just now waking into consciousness whereas the toddler is probably trying to learn how to bond. It would be better in the long run for her to keep her. (But I would keep them both.)

 

So sad!

[Dory]

:grouphug:

 

What a heart breaking decision! If it absolutely had to be between the two, I'd keep the toddler because the 3 month old is only just now waking into consciousness whereas the toddler is probably trying to learn how to bond. It would be better in the long run for her to keep her. (But I would keep them both.)

 

So sad!

:iagree: Bouncing a child at that age is just too hard on them. I doubt I would be able to make that decision though. Unless my hubby told me that one of them had to go, I would probably be working like crazy to make it work with both.

:grouphug: not a fun decision.

[Perogi]

:grouphug:

 

What a heart breaking decision! If it absolutely had to be between the two, I'd keep the toddler because the 3 month old is only just now waking into consciousness whereas the toddler is probably trying to learn how to bond. It would be better in the long run for her to keep her. (But I would keep them both.)

 

So sad!

 

:iagree: Bouncing a child at that age is just too hard on them. I doubt I would be able to make that decision though. Unless my hubby told me that one of them had to go, I would probably be working like crazy to make it work with both.

:grouphug: not a fun decision.

 

I totally get that and dh and I had said before that we wanted to be the home that committed to her and stopped her bouncing around (in 2 years we are her 4th home - she's not easy). However, our "profile" is that we foster infants; we're not typically a toddler home. When we accepted her placement is was in some ways a trial...which sounds awful, I know but they literally had nowhere to put her and we agreed to take her at least temporarily but hopefully long term. Make sense?

 

Anyhow, I tried talking to my kids about it (which maybe in hindsight wasn't a good choice? dh is annoyed with me for doing that) and 2 of them immediately said keep baby and not toddler. ???? They have not said anything before without being questioned, but maybe they are not "clicking" with her? Or can't handle a toddler in their face and in their stuff?

 

Would that impact your decision?

[phathui5]

I don't think that I would be able to pick. I would have them both stay if I was able.

[EducationX2]

Wow. What a difficult decision. :grouphug:

 

What does it mean for your family if you keep both? If both do end up being there a long time, is that feasible? (Put even more bluntly- what happens if you have both kids in a year, will you be struggling to make this decision then? Will there become a point in which having two extra children is not a possibility?)

 

You say that you don't know if it is best for your family to keep both, I guess I need more information to give a more informed opinion. But if you feel like there would be a point in which two extra children is going to be just too much, you should probably ask for one of the children to be moved now before they get too attached.

 

I wouldn't want to be in your place. I don't know that I'd be able to make that decision.

[wonderchica]

I totally get that and dh and I had said before that we wanted to be the home that committed to her and stopped her bouncing around (in 2 years we are her 4th home - she's not easy). <snip> we agreed to take her at least temporarily but hopefully long term.

 

bold mine

 

Based on that information, I would try to keep both. I would let go of the baby before the toddler. She needs the stability more at this point. As far as your other children, sounds like toddler behavior annoys them. That happens. I don't know that I would let that affect my decision.

[Ottakee]

I know that is SO hard. We were foster parents for 10 years and had over 100 placements and now are just getting back into it.

 

Do you feel you can handle the toddler? Bond with her? She is at a critical stage for bonding, etc. and the less moves the better.

 

We are on the opposite end as you. We are saying NO to the babies and toddlers and looking at older kids and young teens. Neither is easy though.

[Mommyof4ks]

That is a hard decison. We had to decide a couple of times, and IMO it is going to be easier on the baby than the toddler.

 

CPS is notorious for the 'just a few days' line around here lol. We once had 2 babies 6 and 7 months along with our own kids 8 months and 4 years, and they kept dragging their feet on the 6 month old. She was an emergency placement with no where else to go, so we took her, but wow getting her moved to a permenant home was a long process.

[swellmomma]

I'd keep both placements and once one is gone just refuse any further placements so the system doesn't get used to you being a 2 placement home. toddler girl really needs the stability to staying, and baby boy has been with you for half his life. I could not imagine sending either one away unless one of them was too disruptive to the home as a whole (like an extremely colicky baby, or a toddler that was not suited to a family with other kids etc). Basically it would have to be something severe to send one of them away.

 

You suspect baby boy will be a shorter placement, do you have any estimation on how long of one they are thinking at this point?

[happyhomemaker25]

That is a hard decison. We had to decide a couple of times, and IMO it is going to be easier on the baby than the toddler.

 

CPS is notorious for the 'just a few days' line around here lol. We once had 2 babies 6 and 7 months along with our own kids 8 months and 4 years, and they kept dragging their feet on the 6 month old. She was an emergency placement with no where else to go, so we took her, but wow getting her moved to a permenant home was a long process.

 

Yeah, my overnight placement ended up being here for 3 months. I would try to keep both if I could.

[kricau]

:iagree:She will be the one most affected by such a suden move. Plus baby boy is more likely to get adopted quicker, right?

 

I wish you could send one to me :)

 

:grouphug:

 

What a heart breaking decision! If it absolutely had to be between the two, I'd keep the toddler because the 3 month old is only just now waking into consciousness whereas the toddler is probably trying to learn how to bond. It would be better in the long run for her to keep her. (But I would keep them both.)

 

So sad!

[Dory]

I totally get that and dh and I had said before that we wanted to be the home that committed to her and stopped her bouncing around (in 2 years we are her 4th home - she's not easy). However, our "profile" is that we foster infants; we're not typically a toddler home. When we accepted her placement is was in some ways a trial...which sounds awful, I know but they literally had nowhere to put her and we agreed to take her at least temporarily but hopefully long term. Make sense?

 

Anyhow, I tried talking to my kids about it (which maybe in hindsight wasn't a good choice? dh is annoyed with me for doing that) and 2 of them immediately said keep baby and not toddler. ???? They have not said anything before without being questioned, but maybe they are not "clicking" with her? Or can't handle a toddler in their face and in their stuff?

 

Would that impact your decision?

 

If the kids think that they can say no to the toddler because she's at an annoying age, do they think that the boy is going to just get the boot when he's annoying too? Would that communicate some interesting messages about how you view them? About how they view other people that they have in their lives?

[NotSoObvious]

I'd keep both placements and once one is gone just refuse any further placements so the system doesn't get used to you being a 2 placement home. toddler girl really needs the stability to staying, and baby boy has been with you for half his life. I could not imagine sending either one away unless one of them was too disruptive to the home as a whole (like an extremely colicky baby, or a toddler that was not suited to a family with other kids etc). Basically it would have to be something severe to send one of them away.

 

You suspect baby boy will be a shorter placement, do you have any estimation on how long of one they are thinking at this point?

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Perogi]

Wow. What a difficult decision. :grouphug:

 

What does it mean for your family if you keep both? If both do end up being there a long time, is that feasible? (Put even more bluntly- what happens if you have both kids in a year, will you be struggling to make this decision then? Will there become a point in which having two extra children is not a possibility?)

 

You say that you don't know if it is best for your family to keep both, I guess I need more information to give a more informed opinion. But if you feel like there would be a point in which two extra children is going to be just too much, you should probably ask for one of the children to be moved now before they get too attached.

 

I wouldn't want to be in your place. I don't know that I'd be able to make that decision.

 

You ask great questions - exactly what I'm trying to figure out. I don't know the answers and that's the problem.

 

The bolded above is my fear. I mean, obviously, I would LOVE to be able to keep both of them - in some ways this is the insta-family I always wished we'd had. However, as other foster parents will understand, saying yes to two placements is saying yes to two children's service workers (who make regular visits), two family service workers, two sets of log notes and communication with CAS, two different schedules of access to birth parents, two more doctor offices and visits, etc, etc, etc. It's just not as simple as adding two kids to the family; it's so much more.

 

In some ways it does feel overwhelming at times and I want to be sure that I can balance my kids' needs with the demands of foster care. Not to mention that the 2.5yo has some "delays" that require extra attention and interaction with other professionals.

 

It's also summer, and I try to imagine all of this with the added "pressure" of school in the fall. I know that many others do this with big families but it's all new to me. I can't imagine when baby gets mobile and stops sleeping so often and getting into things, etc.

 

I know that it doesn't surprise God that baby boy is still here even though we thought he was leaving. I felt quite strongly that He was leading us to the 2.5yo because of the way that it all came together. So now I don't know if He's "calling" us to keep both kids. I adore 2.5yo and baby boy is a very easy baby (and dh is extremely attached to him).

 

If I could see the future this would be so much easier!! I feel like it would be playing it safe to move one of them now just on the chance that we feel we can't handle it 6 months from now but my heart wants to keep them both.

[Perogi]

bold mine

 

Based on that information, I would try to keep both. I would let go of the baby before the toddler. She needs the stability more at this point. As far as your other children, sounds like toddler behavior annoys them. That happens. I don't know that I would let that affect my decision.

 

If the kids think that they can say no to the toddler because she's at an annoying age, do they think that the boy is going to just get the boot when he's annoying too? Would that communicate some interesting messages about how you view them? About how they view other people that they have in their lives?

 

I agree that some of it is annoying toddler behaviour but it's not that simple - it's also expecting the kids to accept a stranger with a personality that may or may not click with them into their lives 24/7, sharing some of their most precious resources - not just toys and things but attention from Mom and Dad. It's a tall order and I want to be sensitive to what they can cope with. It's a lot easier to put up with annoying toddler behaviour when it's a toddler that has been in your life since infancy and that you have bonded with and whom they love.

[Perogi]

I know that is SO hard. We were foster parents for 10 years and had over 100 placements and now are just getting back into it.

 

Do you feel you can handle the toddler? Bond with her? She is at a critical stage for bonding, etc. and the less moves the better.

 

We are on the opposite end as you. We are saying NO to the babies and toddlers and looking at older kids and young teens. Neither is easy though.

 

I do feel that I can handle the toddler. Based on the "file" she should be a monster but I adore her and find that she does very well here with us. I feel like she is bonding with us and I can bond with her. I know the less moves the better for sure - she really has already moved too many times.

[Perogi]

That is a hard decison. We had to decide a couple of times, and IMO it is going to be easier on the baby than the toddler.

 

CPS is notorious for the 'just a few days' line around here lol. We once had 2 babies 6 and 7 months along with our own kids 8 months and 4 years, and they kept dragging their feet on the 6 month old. She was an emergency placement with no where else to go, so we took her, but wow getting her moved to a permenant home was a long process.

 

Yeah, my overnight placement ended up being here for 3 months. I would try to keep both if I could.

 

I know that I should've known better than to get myself in this position - trusting them when they said that baby boy was moving. In the future I will have to remember not to believe it until I see it with my own eyes. If we didn't have the 2.5yo we'd be thrilled that baby boy gets to stay.

[Katy]

No fosters yet, so no advice. But I admire you. :grouphug:

 

I think if God is calling you to do something, there will be multiple confirmations - at least 3.

[Perogi]

I'd keep both placements and once one is gone just refuse any further placements so the system doesn't get used to you being a 2 placement home. toddler girl really needs the stability to staying, and baby boy has been with you for half his life. I could not imagine sending either one away unless one of them was too disruptive to the home as a whole (like an extremely colicky baby, or a toddler that was not suited to a family with other kids etc). Basically it would have to be something severe to send one of them away.

 

You suspect baby boy will be a shorter placement, do you have any estimation on how long of one they are thinking at this point?

 

I don't think anyone really knows what to expect with baby boy because the whole game plan changed today. I suspect he will be a shorter placement based on what I've seen of his situation so far but it could certainly change. My best guess is 6-12 months for him but I know many foster parents here with 2 year olds that they have had since birth so there is really no telling.

[3boysmama]

Such tough decisions! I totally understand! I currently have 3 foster kids, so I totally GET what you mean by log notes, home visits, etc. My 3 are from 2 different families. I have the 23mo old that is by himself and the 4 & 5 yo are brothers. It's a LOT! We've had 23mo for 11 months and the brothers for about 10 months.

 

Do you feel like you can make it work for both? My boys are annoyed by the 4 & 5 yo regularly. :tongue_smilie: It was a lot for us, too, as we got them right after we started our school year this past year. So I went from just homeschooling my 3 boys.. to homeschooling my 3 boys *and* having 3 kids under 5. BIG adjustment in our household.

 

Now with all that being said, we've known for a while now that the 2 brothers aren't a good fit for our family long term...as in adoption. It was hard for me to admit that at first. I felt so guilty, and still do at times, but I'm learning that it is OK! CPS told us that they would start to look for a new family for them (one that is going to adopt them). We ended up giving our official 30 day notice a couple of weeks ago on them. We want them to be able to adapt to a new home for a few weeks and then be able to start school at their new school. We didn't want them to start school here then move to a new family and a new school in the middle of the year. They also have 4 other siblings in other foster homes and we live an hour from them, so we thought it would be better if they were closer to them. It has been a really, really tough decision. But in our hearts we know it is the right move. I hate to do it, but at the same time I know it's best for our family. I don't really feel like I've given you anything that can be of help in your situation, but I wanted to share our experience. Follow your hearts and what you are feeling called to do, and what you feel is best for your family. It's a tough choice, but do know that it is OKAY if you can't make it work with both kiddos. If you can make it work with both kids then that's great, too. What lucky little guys to have you for their foster parents, whether it be short term or long term! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'll be praying for you as you guys make your decision. PM me if you need anything!! And let me know what you decide. Many blessings!! :grouphug:

 

ETA: I wanted to add that we didn't give our notice just because they annoyed our older boys at times. I was afraid that I might have made it sound that way. I just can't say everything that has gone on with their case, and those are the reasons why we have given our notice and decided that they aren't a good long term fit for us. My boys have actually come a long way in learning how to deal with them and their "annoying-ness!!" I think they would be just as annoyed if they were their bio brothers!! =P They have just had to learn to deal with different kids who have come from a different background then they have. It will be hard for all of us to say "bye." =(

Edited July 5, 2012 by 3boysmama

[swellmomma]

I don't think anyone really knows what to expect with baby boy because the whole game plan changed today. I suspect he will be a shorter placement based on what I've seen of his situation so far but it could certainly change. My best guess is 6-12 months for him but I know many foster parents here with 2 year olds that they have had since birth so there is really no telling.

 

wow that seems so long. And if you are thinking the toddler will be with you even longer than yeah I can see the concern you are facing. there is potential that you will have them until the baby is a toddler and the toddler is a preschooler, with all those extra appts and such.

 

What a tough situation for sure. you mentioned the toddler has some delays, is she going to be in a head start program or something in the fall to assist her? How many appts does she have a week/month to address her delays? Does the baby have any health concerns at this point? Is there risk of some showing up due to prenatal exposure or anything like that?

 

What is the plan for these kids as far as reunification with family?

 

All of those things would make a difference to me in deciding too.

[AmyontheFarm]

:grouphug: I wouldn't want to have to decide.

[Perogi]

Such tough decisions! I totally understand! I currently have 3 foster kids, so I totally GET what you mean by log notes, home visits, etc. My 3 are from 2 different families. I have the 23mo old that is by himself and the 4 & 5 yo are brothers. It's a LOT! We've had 23mo for 11 months and the brothers for about 10 months.

 

Do you feel like you can make it work for both? My boys are annoyed by the 4 & 5 yo regularly. :tongue_smilie: It was a lot for us, too, as we got them right after we started our school year this past year. So I went from just homeschooling my 3 boys.. to homeschooling my 3 boys *and* having 3 kids under 5. BIG adjustment in our household.

 

Now with all that being said, we've known for a while now that the 2 brothers aren't a good fit for our family long term...as in adoption. It was hard for me to admit that at first. I felt so guilty, and still do at times, but I'm learning that it is OK! CPS told us that they would start to look for a new family for them (one that is going to adopt them). We ended up giving our official 30 day notice a couple of weeks ago on them. We want them to be able to adapt to a new home for a few weeks and then be able to start school at their new school. We didn't want them to start school here then move to a new family and a new school in the middle of the year. They also have 4 other siblings in other foster homes and we live an hour from them, so we thought it would be better if they were closer to them. It has been a really, really tough decision. But in our hearts we know it is the right move. I hate to do it, but at the same time I know it's best for our family. I don't really feel like I've given you anything that can be of help in your situation, but I wanted to share our experience. Follow your hearts and what you are feeling called to do, and what you feel is best for your family. It's a tough choice, but do know that it is OKAY if you can't make it work with both kiddos. If you can make it work with both kids then that's great, too. What lucky little guys to have you for their foster parents, whether it be short term or long term! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'll be praying for you as you guys make your decision. PM me if you need anything!! And let me know what you decide. Many blessings!! :grouphug:

 

ETA: I wanted to add that we didn't give our notice just because they annoyed our older boys at times. I was afraid that I might have made it sound that way. I just can't say everything that has gone on with their case, and those are the reasons why we have given our notice and decided that they aren't a good long term fit for us. My boys have actually come a long way in learning how to deal with them and their "annoying-ness!!" I think they would be just as annoyed if they were their bio brothers!! =P They have just had to learn to deal with different kids who have come from a different background then they have. It will be hard for all of us to say "bye." =(

 

I do appreciate you sharing your story. It helps to feel like there are others in the "trenches" who really understand.

 

How do you evaluate how your own kids are coping?

 

We know a family that handled foster care poorly and their own bio kids really, really suffered - that situation haunts me.

 

CAS keeps telling me too not to feel guilty and that they will be well cared for in our home or somewhere else but it's just hard, hard, hard to think of sending a child away.

[Perogi]

wow that seems so long. And if you are thinking the toddler will be with you even longer than yeah I can see the concern you are facing. there is potential that you will have them until the baby is a toddler and the toddler is a preschooler, with all those extra appts and such.

 

What a tough situation for sure. you mentioned the toddler has some delays, is she going to be in a head start program or something in the fall to assist her? How many appts does she have a week/month to address her delays? Does the baby have any health concerns at this point? Is there risk of some showing up due to prenatal exposure or anything like that?

 

What is the plan for these kids as far as reunification with family?

 

All of those things would make a difference to me in deciding too.

 

Everything is long with foster care - the courts definitely know how to drag things out.

 

Toddler girl is in daycare 2 days a week as per the recommendation of a professional somewhere along the way to help her with speech and social skills. She has a developmental worker that meets with her there monthly. I have an additional appt for her once a week and then other appts as needed - maybe once a month.

 

Baby is healthy and wonderful - no health concerns at all. But babies have a lot of appts as it is - all the well baby checks.

 

Also, I find that I take foster kids to the doctor more often just because everything has to be looked into an documented to cover everyone's butt. If there is a cold with chesty cough my mama intuition might be saying it'll be fine but either birth parents request that the child see the doctor or I have to go in just because if it turns into something else and I didn't check it out sooner I'd be in hot water.

 

I'd say reunification is unlikely in both circumstances...which is what drags things out because the families fight for the kids and the courts tend to try really hard to explore the possibility of reunification, especially with infants/toddlers.

[Tap]

I'd say reunification is unlikely in both circumstances...which is what drags things out because the families fight for the kids and the courts tend to try really hard to explore the possibility of reunification, especially with infants/toddlers.

 

Are you willing to adopt? That would affect my decision here more than anything? If you are not....I would find out if there was a foster/adopt home that the baby could be paired with instead. Attachment issues could possibly be avoided if the baby is place with a permanent family soon enough.

 

No one knows what child is going to have attachment problems, but the earlier for a 'forever family' the better.

[Perogi]

Are you willing to adopt? That would affect my decision here more than anything? If you are not....I would find out if there was a foster/adopt home that the baby could be paired with instead. Attachment issues could possibly be avoided if the baby is place with a permanent family soon enough.

 

No one knows what child is going to have attachment problems, but the earlier for a 'forever family' the better.

 

We are willing to adopt but it's not our goal. Unfortunately our area doesn't do foster/adopt homes - they think it's too hard when it doesn't work out so homes are basically either/or - foster home OR adoptive home. I will be asking the children's worker to clarify this but so far that's what I've been told.

[3boysmama]

I do appreciate you sharing your story. It helps to feel like there are others in the "trenches" who really understand. I know what you mean, it does help to hear from others who know and understand what you are facing.

 

How do you evaluate how your own kids are coping? If we feel like our kids are really struggling with the foster kids being in our home, after the adjustment period, and beyond just being "annoyed," then we will definitly be evaluating whether or not they should stay. Because as much as we want to be able to help another child in need, our kids have to come first. Does that make sense?

 

We know a family that handled foster care poorly and their own bio kids really, really suffered - that situation haunts me. Now that scares me!! :/

 

CAS keeps telling me too not to feel guilty and that they will be well cared for in our home or somewhere else but it's just hard, hard, hard to think of sending a child away. They have told me the same thing and I still feel guilty. It is really hard, hard, hard for me to know that we are "sending" them away. We have to remember that not all kids are a good fit for all families. Have peace in knowing that they will go to another family that will love them and care for them, too. It's soooo hard and I sooo know what you are going through :grouphug:

 

My responses are in blue above!! :001_smile:

[kricau]

The more I read of what you're saying, the more I think you really want to keep both :) Has hubby said NO?

Do you think it would be too much on you? Will the other kids be resentful? If not, then go for it. You will be blessing two precious lives :)

[Pamela H in Texas]

I have to say that I am absolutely THRILLED to be losing various visits, 3 monthly reports (about five typed pages per kid), documentation forms for dentists and doctors and such, etc. Less than 3 weeks now! YAY! In fact, I won't even have to do monthlies for this month for them. I will for the baby (who may be going to her fifth home this month :( ). ONE set of visits, documentation, reports sounds absolutely amazing after 15 months of 3-6 per month!

 

We have honestly considered stopping fostering just because I really want to let loose (and have bar soap or leave the toothpaste out on the counter!) and not have any paperwork (so much paperwork!). We have a few other reasons to consider closing our home also. We just don't feel it though. There is a major nagging about continuing.

 

Anyway, as for placements...decisions ARE hard. We have made hard decisions a few times. We did two 2week respites that could have turned into placements. We turned each down as a placement. One was 15yo and the other was 3. We were presented with a 2 and 4yo, however, they would have been children #7 and 8 in our home and the 2yo had significant special needs that were not disclosed before they came. They were here three days then moved to another home in our agency. I would have loved to have kept them. I would have if they had been our first placements. But I couldn't have 8 kids AND one with his needs. Not with my crew. Not every situation will work. I wish it could.

 

In your situation (based on how I understand it), I'd probably keep both. However, I most certainly can see why you'd worry especially as you are generally a one foster kiddo family.

 

These decisions are soooooo hard to make.

[Mom28kds]

I'd keep both placements and once one is gone just refuse any further placements so the system doesn't get used to you being a 2 placement home. toddler girl really needs the stability to staying, and baby boy has been with you for half his life. I could not imagine sending either one away unless one of them was too disruptive to the home as a whole (like an extremely colicky baby, or a toddler that was not suited to a family with other kids etc). Basically it would have to be something severe to send one of them away.

 

You suspect baby boy will be a shorter placement, do you have any estimation on how long of one they are thinking at this point?

 

:iagree:

[SpecialClassical]

Well, if the baby is very likely going to leave and your agency can get him into an adoptive home, that would be best. It sounds like you think reunification is unlikely, so he needs to get bonded to his future adoptive parents ASAP. If that could be you, all the better.

 

As far as school in the fall, it will be hard if you keep both. I would not like those multiple appts. and paperwork either. However, your bio kids are young and even if the whole year ended up being math, grammar, and reading aloud science and history while the littles slept, it may be worth it in the end. Your husband could help by doing spelling at night. If you go into the year knowing it will be a light one you will have less stress.

 

We have adopted 3 times. My older kids were 6 and 8 the first time, 8 and 10 the second time and 16 and 14 the third time. They both have done well academically despite the disruptions. And my now 10 yr old(first one adopted) is doing well in school despite the very heavy demands of our youngest his first year home.

 

If you decide to do it, just keep swimming. Every day put one foot in front of the other and do as much as you can. And ask for help! If you can afford housecleaning or a mother's helper, do it! If your friends offer to help, please take them up on it. Others may not be able to foster/adopt, but they want to help those who can.

[Ottakee]

If you decide to do it, just keep swimming. Every day put one foot in front of the other and do as much as you can. And ask for help! If you can afford housecleaning or a mother's helper, do it! If your friends offer to help, please take them up on it. Others may not be able to foster/adopt, but they want to help those who can.

 

THIS is so important and could be a ministry that OTHERS can do to help a foster parent. Bringing in a meal once a week, esp. on visit/appointment days, paying for a cleaning lady, offering to babysit for a date night (likely would require a person over 18 with a background check), offering to take the older girls to an activity that isn't toddler/infant friendly, etc.

 

My sister's church does this. For every foster family in the church they link them up with several other "support" families that help with meals, clothing, diapers, transportation, babysitting, etc.

 

As a foster parent, I can't tell you how much that help is appreciated. Like someone else said, it isn't just adding 2 kids to the mix like giving birth to them but rather adding 2 kids, their bio families, the workers, doctors, therapists, lawyers (yes even the infants have to have appointments with their lawyers), transporting to visits, etc.

[happyhomemaker25]

THIS is so important and could be a ministry that OTHERS can do to help a foster parent. Bringing in a meal once a week, esp. on visit/appointment days, paying for a cleaning lady, offering to babysit for a date night (likely would require a person over 18 with a background check), offering to take the older girls to an activity that isn't toddler/infant friendly, etc.

 

My sister's church does this. For every foster family in the church they link them up with several other "support" families that help with meals, clothing, diapers, transportation, babysitting, etc.

 

As a foster parent, I can't tell you how much that help is appreciated. Like someone else said, it isn't just adding 2 kids to the mix like giving birth to them but rather adding 2 kids, their bio families, the workers, doctors, therapists, lawyers (yes even the infants have to have appointments with their lawyers), transporting to visits, etc.

 

BRILLIANT!! I keep trying to advocate for other families to support foster families. I hear so many times that, "Oh, I could never do foster care!" "Oh, your so brave!" Right now we can't do foster care because of the ages of our kids, BUT I am always looking for families to bless. This would be a HUGE help to families.

[Ottakee]

BRILLIANT!! I keep trying to advocate for other families to support foster families. I hear so many times that, "Oh, I could never do foster care!" "Oh, your so brave!" Right now we can't do foster care because of the ages of our kids, BUT I am always looking for families to bless. This would be a HUGE help to families.

 

Having support would be wonderful. Things like donation of GOOD clothing, use of a car seat or crib (needs to meet current safety standards), diapers, wipes, even toddler/school age toys, etc.

 

At least in our area, foster parents get $13.24 a DAY for a foster child. Infants and toddlers usually get WIC but older kids don't. That rate needs to cover their food, housing, transportation (including up to several appointments a week that can be 30-60 minutes away), haircuts, recreation, clothing, etc. Any help that a foster parent can get would be greatly appreciated.

[flyingiguana]

 

Anyhow, I tried talking to my kids about it (which maybe in hindsight wasn't a good choice? dh is annoyed with me for doing that) and 2 of them immediately said keep baby and not toddler. ???? They have not said anything before without being questioned, but maybe they are not "clicking" with her? Or can't handle a toddler in their face and in their stuff?

 

Would that impact your decision?

 

It most definitely would for me. The whole family has to work for it to be a good placement.

[Perogi]

The more I read of what you're saying, the more I think you really want to keep both :) Has hubby said NO?

Do you think it would be too much on you? Will the other kids be resentful? If not, then go for it. You will be blessing two precious lives :)

 

I do really want to keep them both but I don't know if I'm supermom enough....

 

Last night Dh said that probably the wise decision is to let the baby go. I don't know that he's totally opposed to keeping both but he's usually the one to try things that look impossible while I'm the realist so it was interesting to me that he's not pushing to keep both - especially because he has such an attachment to baby boy.

[Perogi]

Well, if the baby is very likely going to leave and your agency can get him into an adoptive home, that would be best. It sounds like you think reunification is unlikely, so he needs to get bonded to his future adoptive parents ASAP. If that could be you, all the better.

 

As far as school in the fall, it will be hard if you keep both. I would not like those multiple appts. and paperwork either. However, your bio kids are young and even if the whole year ended up being math, grammar, and reading aloud science and history while the littles slept, it may be worth it in the end. Your husband could help by doing spelling at night. If you go into the year knowing it will be a light one you will have less stress.

 

We have adopted 3 times. My older kids were 6 and 8 the first time, 8 and 10 the second time and 16 and 14 the third time. They both have done well academically despite the disruptions. And my now 10 yr old(first one adopted) is doing well in school despite the very heavy demands of our youngest his first year home.

 

If you decide to do it, just keep swimming. Every day put one foot in front of the other and do as much as you can. And ask for help! If you can afford housecleaning or a mother's helper, do it! If your friends offer to help, please take them up on it. Others may not be able to foster/adopt, but they want to help those who can.

 

Unfortunately for baby he will not be placed in an adoptive home for months at least. Those placements don't happen until everything is fairly certain and while the workers may see it going in that direction there are still too many variables to permit them to jump to that conclusion.

 

School light.....hmmmm...I get what you're saying but I'm not sure I feel comfortable with that. I really need to figure out what I want to prioritize....I actually said to Dh that if I put the kids in school keeping both placements would be so much easier.

 

THIS is so important and could be a ministry that OTHERS can do to help a foster parent. Bringing in a meal once a week, esp. on visit/appointment days, paying for a cleaning lady, offering to babysit for a date night (likely would require a person over 18 with a background check), offering to take the older girls to an activity that isn't toddler/infant friendly, etc.

 

My sister's church does this. For every foster family in the church they link them up with several other "support" families that help with meals, clothing, diapers, transportation, babysitting, etc.

 

As a foster parent, I can't tell you how much that help is appreciated. Like someone else said, it isn't just adding 2 kids to the mix like giving birth to them but rather adding 2 kids, their bio families, the workers, doctors, therapists, lawyers (yes even the infants have to have appointments with their lawyers), transporting to visits, etc.

 

BRILLIANT!! I keep trying to advocate for other families to support foster families. I hear so many times that, "Oh, I could never do foster care!" "Oh, your so brave!" Right now we can't do foster care because of the ages of our kids, BUT I am always looking for families to bless. This would be a HUGE help to families.

 

Having support would be wonderful. Things like donation of GOOD clothing, use of a car seat or crib (needs to meet current safety standards), diapers, wipes, even toddler/school age toys, etc.

 

At least in our area, foster parents get $13.24 a DAY for a foster child. Infants and toddlers usually get WIC but older kids don't. That rate needs to cover their food, housing, transportation (including up to several appointments a week that can be 30-60 minutes away), haircuts, recreation, clothing, etc. Any help that a foster parent can get would be greatly appreciated.

 

Wow, that kind of support sounds amazing! I fall on the opposite end of the spectrum where I feel like this is our choice so it is our responsibility. Kwim? I don't really ever "complain" to anyone irl who isn't a foster parent because I feel like I shouldn't complain about something that I could choose to get out of at any time.

 

I have definitely considered hiring a housecleaner and our meals have been greatly simplified just to make life easier.

[Dobela]

I do really want to keep them both but I don't know if I'm supermom enough....

 

Last night Dh said that probably the wise decision is to let the baby go. I don't know that he's totally opposed to keeping both but he's usually the one to try things that look impossible while I'm the realist so it was interesting to me that he's not pushing to keep both - especially because he has such an attachment to baby boy.

How sad it is when we as foster parents have to make these decisions. Personally, I would keep both. Yes, a toddler is way more difficult than a baby, but continuing to move her is just contributing to RAD. If the daily care is difficult and daunting, I would ask the social worker to help you find a preschool or day care placement during the day. They have funds for that, or she can usually attend a government funded one for free. It will give her more structure and give you a break. If she is showing any signs of delay, it may also be a way for her to begin receiving services that will help her catch up. If she hasn't had any recent developmental evals, it may be time for them to happen again. It will also give her a routine to depend on if she is moved again. And my experience with foster care is that despite it all, she may be moved again at someone else's whim.

[Perogi]

It most definitely would for me. The whole family has to work for it to be a good placement.

 

I certainly agree that it has to work for everyone. Dh is annoyed with me for asking because he thinks it is an inappropriate responsibility to put on their shoulders - making a decision that we ourselves find so difficult.

 

I don't know how much I trust their answers.....last night toddler girl got home from extended access and the kids were all SO excited to see her. Their actions don't necessarily support their words.

[Perogi]

How sad it is when we as foster parents have to make these decisions. Personally, I would keep both. Yes, a toddler is way more difficult than a baby, but continuing to move her is just contributing to RAD. If the daily care is difficult and daunting, I would ask the social worker to help you find a preschool or day care placement during the day. They have funds for that, or she can usually attend a government funded one for free. It will give her more structure and give you a break. If she is showing any signs of delay, it may also be a way for her to begin receiving services that will help her catch up. If she hasn't had any recent developmental evals, it may be time for them to happen again. It will also give her a routine to depend on if she is moved again. And my experience with foster care is that despite it all, she may be moved again at someone else's whim.

 

Toddler is in daycare and has some extended access so she is actually relatively easy because we have those times of relief built in. Baby feels more difficult to me because he's here all the time and moe disruptive just by nature of being a needy baby. He's still up through the night so I'm not getting as much sleep as I should. When it's either of the two on their own with our family it feels manageable but something about adding both starts to feel overwhelming.

[Dobela]

I certainly agree that it has to work for everyone. Dh is annoyed with me for asking because he thinks it is an inappropriate responsibility to put on their shoulders - making a decision that we ourselves find so difficult.

 

I don't know how much I trust their answers.....last night toddler girl got home from extended access and the kids were all SO excited to see her. Their actions don't necessarily support their words.

I don't know how long you have been fostering, but I would never do this again. My son was 5 when we began fostering and has lingering issues because kids came and went that he became attached to, despite all we did to make the transitions as easy as possible. In all honesty, you and your kids really have very little control over the situation. Tomorrow both kids could be gone for reasons not yet considered. I always let my son know that while we would keep children as long as possible, and that our goal was adoption, there were social workers, families, judges, counselors and others who ultimately made that decision. I never asked if he wanted someone to stay or leave because he didn't need that responsibility (which is a false responsibility) and the responsibility is not his to begin with.

[Ottakee]

I know what you mean about overwhelming. Can you find a volunteer from your church, a friend, or someone to give you a break for a few hours once in a while? Even if they are over at your house and all you do is take a nap, it is amazing what 1-2 hours of rest can do to help recharge your batteries.

 

I honestly don't know how I made it through some days/weeks/months. I can't imagine how we got groceries but obviously we did as we are all still here to tell about it.

[Momling]

It sounds like two foster kids is too much. It would be for us too! We have enough parent visitations, therapy, casa worker visits, etc... I cant imagine twice what I have. Don't hesitate to say no... You signed up to take one placement. You don't need to feel guilty at all (easy to say... Hard to do).

[JFSinIL]

I'd keep the older child as she is more likely to be aware of being moved. I am sure NOT moving again would be best for her. The boy is not old enough to be aware of it all.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Thank you for the ideas! I think I'm going to suggest supporting a foster parent for those who would like to help but can't foster (or think they can't foster).

 

I want to also suggest to others that becoming a babysitter or transporter for a foster parent can be a lot of help. It can be a way for you to help a kid and foster family for very little trouble (a background check, CPR, etc).

 

BTW, our housekeepers (we're on our second) like us because the house has to stay good anyway due to all our visits. Also, I asked our housekeeper about doing 4 meals every two weeks for us (things we can put in freezer and use as necessary) and she was only going to charge $30 (food and kitchen provided by us). That was a pretty good deal.

 

I try to do everything also. Other than the housekeeper twice a month, I also felt I took on the responsibility of all these kids, I should figure out how to do it perfectly despite our crazy schedule. But why NOT let other people help if they want to? Maybe I was being a bit prideful also?

[Perogi]

I don't know how long you have been fostering, but I would never do this again. My son was 5 when we began fostering and has lingering issues because kids came and went that he became attached to, despite all we did to make the transitions as easy as possible. In all honesty, you and your kids really have very little control over the situation. Tomorrow both kids could be gone for reasons not yet considered. I always let my son know that while we would keep children as long as possible, and that our goal was adoption, there were social workers, families, judges, counselors and others who ultimately made that decision. I never asked if he wanted someone to stay or leave because he didn't need that responsibility (which is a false responsibility) and the responsibility is not his to begin with.

 

We've been fostering off and on for 3 years - we moved and had time off as the new agency did another home study.

 

I know that involving the kids was a mistake. To be clear, the conversation was "casual" and I simply asked them which placement they were enjoying more - I did not say "hey kids, we've got to get rid of one of these kids, which one should it be?" After my two youngest saying that they prefer the baby it snowballed to them saying that they would prefer if she weren't here. I have also asked them if they are doing okay with having two placements as we've only ever had one - I've asked if they feel too busy/stressed/etc. Well, I've not talked to ds about that, just my girls.

 

I guess I want to know what the kids are thinking/feeling so I can take that into consideration when making these decisions. Clearly I've gone about it the wrong way this time.

[Perogi]

I know what you mean about overwhelming. Can you find a volunteer from your church, a friend, or someone to give you a break for a few hours once in a while? Even if they are over at your house and all you do is take a nap, it is amazing what 1-2 hours of rest can do to help recharge your batteries.

 

I honestly don't know how I made it through some days/weeks/months. I can't imagine how we got groceries but obviously we did as we are all still here to tell about it.

 

Groceries!!! Grocery shopping seems to be one of the hardest things to fit in! :tongue_smilie:

[Perogi]

It sounds like two foster kids is too much. It would be for us too! We have enough parent visitations, therapy, casa worker visits, etc... I cant imagine twice what I have. Don't hesitate to say no... You signed up to take one placement. You don't need to feel guilty at all (easy to say... Hard to do).

 

Yes, it does sound that way doesn't it? But now we're in this situation.....and it actually couldn't be much better in terms of having two becuase the baby is super easy and the toddler has daycare and extended access - she's almost like a part-time placement in some ways.

[Perogi]

I'd keep the older child as she is more likely to be aware of being moved. I am sure NOT moving again would be best for her. The boy is not old enough to be aware of it all.

 

She's definitely more aware of being moved - we pulled in the driveway of a house she didn't know the other day and she started to cry and say "no way". I'm sure she thought she was moving again :(