Lilymax Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 We're in the middle of our home study process to adopt a girl from Uganda, and while all of our friends and my in-laws think it's a wonderful idea, my parents and sisters are not being very receptive to it. Just wondering if any of you have BTDT advice for working through these issues? Everyone keeps saying that they'll come around, and I hope that's the case. But boy, are they making it tough on us now. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I think family members may be more honest about their feelings. They may also be worried about you. Much more is known about adoption and how it affects other family members... I notice your little one is only 2.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 It depends on why they are not so receptive. If it is because they see that you are already overwhelmed or the child is older than your 2 year old, they might have a point. If it were something like for racial issues then that would not be a valid reason but would be a red flag for extended family issues. Of course it could be for reasons I haven't even thought of or for no reason at all. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilymax Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 I think a lot of it is that they never saw this coming and they are all very resistant to change. No one in our extended family has ever adopted, and I don't think any of them know enough about it to have an opinion besides thinking that it's something other families do....not theirs. They tend to be very negative about choices that don't match their opinions and aren't understanding why we want to do this. We've been able to get to know the girl, through Skype, letters, etc. (She is in a small orphanage that our church has partnered with; we're doing an independent adoption and thankfully have a couple of friends who've already been through the process, to help us through it.) We're adopting out of age order, which I know comes with some potential issues, but it's truly how we're feeling led. We already have a connection to this child--our older kids are very excited about the whole thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Were they resistant to homeschooling? And did they come around? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpecialClassical Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 (edited) Yes, we had unreceptive family members. In our case it was two-fold, we think. First this couple was worried about the expense of more children. By the third time we adopted my husband assured the wife that God has blessed him with a good job that makes it possible to clothe, feed, and shelter our children. Shortly after that she referenced us as rich. :001_huh: Secondly, we do believe there was a race issue with the husband (caucasian). He is a baby lover and refused to hold our son (black) when he came home from the hospital. However, there were other circumstances. Our son was a preemie, so maybe that made him nervous. And he made reference to our baby growing to like rap music, so maybe that made me more suspicious! He ended up adoring our son and the two we have adopted since then. They are fun little people, not representatives of a stereotype! As a previous poster mentioned, there are areas of legitimate concern. The age of your youngest would be concerning to me if you were a family member telling me about your plans. Also, if this will be an interracial adoption, adoptive race issues are real. If you live in a diverse area it makes things easier. You need to be aware of your child's perception of the world as he/she grows. I have a child who mentioned early on that she didn't like being the only one on a team with brown skin. She thought people were staring at her. We seek out opportunities to provide more diversity. We live in a diverse area, but it actually isn't easy. Calling the YMCA and questioning them about the racial make-up of their classes is awkward, but necessary. :001_smile: Just talk to your family members and listen to their concerns. Maybe there are valid reasons and maybe they are just uneducated. There is only one way to find out. How are they making it hard? Edited June 16, 2012 by Jvander Question Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilymax Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 Were they resistant to homeschooling? And did they come around? Thankfully, no. They thought it was a great idea and have always supported it. As a previous poster mentioned, there are areas of legitimate concern. The age of your youngest would be concerning to me if you were a family member telling me about your plans. Just talk to your family members and listen to their concerns. Maybe there are valid reasons and maybe they are just uneducated. There is only one way to find out. How are they making it hard? Basically by being very cold and unreceptive---I'm not expecting them to shout "Hooray!" or anything (which is how MIL reacted; which was not what I expected--she is thrilled!)...I guess I did expect them to at least care about hearing our perspective, finding out about the process, learning more about the child and who she is. And because we are all Christians, perhaps understanding some of the spiritual reasons we'd make a choice like this. I also think it's money-related--they are so far above us financially that they see our ordinary middle-class life as something that we should be working hard to improve--not adding another mouth to feed. My mother in particular was cold about our third child being born--as she said, "Two kids is more than enough for anyone!" They just don't seem to get why we'd do this. I've heard other adoptive moms say that if there's a gap like we have in our kids' ages, it's often easier to fill the gap with the adopted child, rather than displace the baby from his spot in the family. I can see the wisdom in both approaches. Anyway, I guess the reason I came here to ask is that I know there are a lot of other adoptive families here and just wonder how you overcame family resistance...and if their issues improved over time, or what. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I've heard other adoptive moms say that if there's a gap like we have in our kids' ages, it's often easier to fill the gap with the adopted child, rather than displace the baby from his spot in the family. I can see the wisdom in both approaches. The concern about adopting a child older than the two year old is because in some cases, the older child can hurt the younger. It doesn't have to do with birth order per se in that scenario. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilymax Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 The concern about adopting a child older than the two year old is because in some cases, the older child can hurt the younger. It doesn't have to do with birth order per se in that scenario. Yes, I've heard that, too. Thankfully, this girl is at low risk for RAD or other extreme behavioral issues. I'm not naive enough to think we won't have any issues with her behavior, but because of her history and what we've witnessed with our interactions with her, her harming our youngest isn't something I'm particularly worried about. But of course, I'll be vigilant about watching for any indication of that! We're also planning to have family counseling begin as soon as she comes. I hope that will help smooth the transition period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberia Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Posting here from the family perspective: My dsd and her hubby adopted from foster. It came out of the blue, and everyone was surprised/shocked. But, my dh and I decided that, even though we could think of all the "what about" questions, we would withhold criticism and judgement and choose to support them. Ultimately we decided that they were doing a good thing- choosing to make a big difference in a life, and changing the world a little bit through their love for this little stranger. You could have a little conversation with the "cold" family members along the lines of: "We appreciate your concerns. We have carefully prayed and considered the issues, and plan to go ahead in this decision. But please, it's not like we're selling drugs or committing a crime; we're trying to do a good thing. Please save the criticism and rejection for when we're doing something bad. We'd like to have you in our daughter's life. Please consider opening your heart to this new member of our family, or at least remaining neutral until your hearts change." Our story ended well. Our new little granddaughter is a wonderful addition to the family, and dsd and hubby are adopting her half sister. Even the relatives who were skeptical can't resist the pull to love these two little girls. Hope your family comes around. Give them time, and don't burn any bridges. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Just talk to your family members and listen to their concerns. Maybe there are valid reasons and maybe they are just uneducated. There is only one way to find out. Bluntly, there are some people who are opposed to adoption. My ex-MIL asked "Why would you take another person's reject?" That's a quote. The issue didn't go far because my ex didn't want children, bio or adopted. There is no arguing with that deep a feeling. From such a person I would just make sure they knew to be polite and treat the adoptee even handedly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Thankfully, no. They thought it was a great idea and have always supported it. Basically by being very cold and unreceptive---I'm not expecting them to shout "Hooray!" or anything (which is how MIL reacted; which was not what I expected--she is thrilled!)...I guess I did expect them to at least care about hearing our perspective, finding out about the process, learning more about the child and who she is. And because we are all Christians, perhaps understanding some of the spiritual reasons we'd make a choice like this. I also think it's money-related--they are so far above us financially that they see our ordinary middle-class life as something that we should be working hard to improve--not adding another mouth to feed. My mother in particular was cold about our third child being born--as she said, "Two kids is more than enough for anyone!" Then it may not be an adoption issue at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jallison25 Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 We are in the middle of adopting a 5 year old with down syndrome. We have had various reactions. My mom/dad/stepmom have all been on board. My stepdad had (probably legitimate) concerns about finiancial aspects and adopting a child with a disability. However, he didn't voice these to me, only my mother (i don't know why she told me...) and has only been positive to me. My stepsister and aunt were both on the negative side. One thing that has suprised me is that was haven't had a lot of true negativity, but lots of pointed disinterest, which can hurt also. We are excited and want our families to be excited, and it can hurt when they are not. So, :grouphug::grouphug: to you! One thing i have found to help is to only be super duper positive when talking to the people who are disinterested, and it gives me a little giggle to be that way with them anyway :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Our daughter was the first adoption on my side of the family. My family was thrilled when we brought her home when she was 10 days old. Three years later when we said we were adopting a 4 year old boy out of foster care the reaction was different. Honestly I think it's because they were scared for us not because they were against adoption. When we adopted another 4year old year later they thought we were crazy. (maybe we were :)) Now the kids are all in their teens and the ride hasn't/isn't always smooth. In fact it's been one of the most challenging experiences of our lives. But we love our children and have thus far had the strength, by God's grace, to navigate the trials. I do not want to ever dissuade anyone from adopting but be realistic about your expectations. Older children (and sometimes infants), through no fault of their own, always come with baggage. Some heavier than others. although there are days where I question our decision, honestly we would do it again (adopt) if we'rnt old :). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Bluntly, there are some people who are opposed to adoption. My ex-MIL asked "Why would you take another person's reject?" That's a quote. That makes my heart hurt. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rutamattatt Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Yes. My side of the family was more "used" to the idea of adoption as I have adopted nieces and a nephew. My DH's family was more surprised by the idea and more hesitant, although they did a good job of keeping their concerns to themselves or expressed respectfully. There are some people who we allowed to voice their concerns about our adoption plan, but no one made the decision but DH and I. There were also people who had no business having an opinion who shared theirs. Separate the wheat from the chaff. DH's family loves our daughter very much, and have shown no favoritism to our bio kids. Sometimes people need time to adjust or process the idea, and they will surprise you. But we were prepared to limit contact if there were any issues with acceptance. We have been blessed to see them embrace her fully. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 When my parents were looking into adopting (25-30 years ago), they considered adopting a child of another race. Well into the process, they were told that they needed to discuss the issue specifically with all family members. It never occurred to them that it would be a problem, but after they addressed one set of grandparents (their parents), they were shocked at the negativity. They went home and discussed it and decided that since those grandparents were so heavily involved in their kids' lives that it would be horribly unfair to everyone to bring in a child that the grandparents might not love and accept as fully as the other grandkids... I think they made the right decision. ... AND I think my grandparents would have come around, absolutely, completely, 100%. ... When my parents did adopt (a child with a slightly different racial background but who *looked* a bit more like the rest of us), my grandparents doted on her. They couldn't help themselves. ;) ... But that's who they were. My grandfather particularly *adored* children and thought his grandchildren were truly little angels (and, um, yeah, I can vouch for the faultiness of that particular view), so once he had a child to love on and rock in the rocking chair (he lived on the other side of town and would just happen to be "in the neighborhood" *every*single*day* when she was small so he could just sit and hold her and rock her through nap time), he adored her as much as each of his other grandchildren. My other grandparents were different people. ... I could easily see them not adjusting as completely had my parents gone through with their original plan... And I think my parents were right that any child they adopted needed to be accepted and loved by *all* members of the family. They had to ensure that that child would never walk into a family situation and be an outsider or second class citizen. Sometimes those things are overt and sometimes they're subtle, but they can be so damaging... Anyway. I don't know the answer. Maybe your family just needs *time*. If they're slow to accept change, maybe they just need a little time to mull the idea over. ... Or maybe they'll never be accepting and you have to figure out how big a role they would continue to have in your family if you had children that they didn't accept as grandchildren... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilymax Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 Thanks so much for all the feedback. My parents will be here in an hour or so, so I'll soon know more about what's behind their issues. And then I guess we'll know how to proceed. I am absolutely prepared to limit contact if necessary; in some ways, due to my mother's negativity toward our youngest, it might be a good idea to do that anyway. :001_huh: Families. Why do they have to be so difficult??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brett_ashley Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 We had lots of concerns from our families when we announced the decision to adopt, but we just smiled and nodded, answering questions as best as we could. My husband pointed out that we had been thinking and mulling over our decision for months and months (almost years) and that they needed some time to get used to the idea too. Of course, he also said, they had 12-18 months to get used to the idea (our wait time) and if they didn't come around by then, contact would be extremely limited. Our view of the gospel reminds us that God himself had done something in us to bring us to our decision, and had He not done that we would feel the same way as our reluctant family members. We aren't better or more spiritual than them, just grateful recipients of this particular grace in our lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 When we adopted our son 12 years ago, my grandmother (mom's mother) shocked me by being unbelieveably opposed. First it was just to adoption in general - she really thought that all babies coming up for adoption were babies taken from 'horrible women in jail' and were going to grow into criminals no matter what I did. Once we got beyond that and told her the baby was going to be Black, all hell broke loose. My mom's brother went so far as to publicly denounce us and told my grandmother he would never acknowledge us again, or my mother again, because he was so opposed to it. My grandmother actually offered us money at that point to back out of the adoption. Fast forward to our daughter's adoption, and my grandmother was crazy about my son. She fell in love with our daughter. My mom, however, decided that she only wanted one grandchild and our adoption has been an ongoing argument for 5 years now. Part of her argument makes no sense at all. Will she come around? I don't know, but it has dramatically changed our relationship forever. My dad adores the kids and is an amazing grandpa. If it wasn't for that, we would not be seeing my mom at all. Last year my uncle decided that he needed to accept us again. Why? Because he knew that my grandmother is in her late 80s and at some point we would need to be together for a funeral. Plus since he only has one sibling, my mom, he decided that he needed to reconcile with her. I personally still don't have the time of day for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Not really, but we didn't announce it to Dh's family until it was a done deal. They didn't acknowledge him until he had been here a year.....don't get me started! :glare: They don't live near us, so it wasn't like they were ignoring him in front of him, but we were NOT happy. Our attitude was, "you reject one of us, you reject all of us." Our relationship with them wasn't stellar to begin with. They are very different sort of people and don't like our church going, our homeschooling, and I could go on and on. It is better now, at least with the adoption end......but the rest of it, well, we aren't changing our Christian faith or our homeschooling status, so...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Everyone in our family was thrilled for us when we decided to adopt...nervously thrilled, but thrilled nonetheless. We did struggle a bit with the racial issue, though. We were open to adopting a child of any race, but knew that our family had some unrecognized, sometimes inappropriately spoken racial sentiments that might affect our child. Our larger community might also have been a bigger issue, but we could and did move, so that wouldn't be a problem. Ultimately, we had to make the sad decision to limit the racial background of the child we ended up adopting due not to these family members sentiments (we knew they would come around when faced with an actual, sweet little baby!) but to the fact that we have a severely mentally ill relative (my BIL) who has no verbal self control. When he isn't doing well, anything he thinks comes straight out of his mouth! He has said and done many, many inappropriate and hurtful things to us that he cannot take back, even with the many apologies that ensue when he is in his right mind. We know this about him and love him and care for him anyway, but could not imagine bringing a child of color into a home that included him. There is a very real possibility that his care will fall to us when our parents are unable to do so any longer. We did eventually adopt cross-racially...an adorable 5 day old Hispanic girl...but were unable to list ourselves as open to all races. :( Truthfully, a bigger issue for us was raised when we adopted again...the birth parents of our then 18 month old son delivered twin boys who were bathed in meth throughout the pregnancy. The close age range of the kids (DD was just 3 1/2) plus the fact that the older two already were diagnosed special needs freaked everyone out, so we didn't dare tell anyone that the twins might have disabilities as well! We took the kids and kept that little detail to ourselves until they were four years old and it was time for everyone to understand WHY they did what they did. Of course, by then everyone was in love with them and didn't care, so all was well. :D Families are tough, but you do well to consider the consequences now. Not that you shouldn't continue with your plans, but so that you can do so with eyes wide open and with shields up in whatever area your family will need to have them ready. "Love conquers all" is a nice sentiment for adults, but developing children who have already experienced a loss deserve the best environment we can provide, without adding in the judgement of misinformed relatives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 That makes my heart hurt. :crying: To her credit, she is from a culture where extended family is everything, and a child actually orphaned by death or illness in a parent would be taken in. A child up for adoption, to her, denotes an extremely dysfunctional family tree. Of course, "off behavior" was not tolerated. Her brother was a drunk, and when he started dipping in the family business's till, he was wrapped in a cloth, doused with gas and set on fire by his grown son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I haven't read all of the responses, but in our family it was a concern for OUR children. When we got our nieces and nephews no one had any warning. Heck, WE didn't get any warning. What were we supposed to do allow my sister's dc to end up in 4 different shelters as had been done previously or give them a chance to know their mother and extended family? They are different races, but that doesn't really play on anyone's radar. (That I know of anyway.) Just because children don't have the greatest beginning does not mean they don't deserve a family. Be prepared that naysayers may change their relationship with you. A dramatic change in family situation can really change dynamics. Sometimes people's true colors show, just don't let their colors change your feelings toward them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilymax Posted June 19, 2012 Author Share Posted June 19, 2012 Again, I truly thank all of you for your feedback. Blessedly, the weekend went great--the air was cleared about a lot of issues, including the adoption. They had a lot of questions about our future daughter's background, the adoption process in general, etc. and thankfully, we were able to answer them all. By this morning, before my parents left to drive back to their state, they were truly coming around to the idea, as was my one initially reluctant sister. So I am rejoicing that much of the hesitation was linked to the unknown, and that they seem much more open to this now. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 19, 2012 Share Posted June 19, 2012 Again, I truly thank all of you for your feedback. Blessedly, the weekend went great--the air was cleared about a lot of issues, including the adoption. They had a lot of questions about our future daughter's background, the adoption process in general, etc. and thankfully, we were able to answer them all. By this morning, before my parents left to drive back to their state, they were truly coming around to the idea, as was my one initially reluctant sister. So I am rejoicing that much of the hesitation was linked to the unknown, and that they seem much more open to this now. :) :001_smile: Wonderful update. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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