How Would You Respond to a Well-Intentioned Insult?

[Melissa in Australia]

Why do so many posters think that at 85 he wouldn't have any good advice? I really hope that when I reach 85 people respect my wisdom.

People at 85 might be a little direct, but that is because they realise that the clock is ticking on. they realise that all the social niceties of beating around the bush don't work ad direct approach often hits the mark.

[Slartibartfast]

Why do so many posters think that at 85 he wouldn't have any good advice? I really hope that when I reach 85 people respect my wisdom.

People at 85 might be a little direct, but that is because they realise that the clock is ticking on. they realise that all the social niceties of beating around the bush don't work ad direct approach often hits the mark.

 

I don't think an 85 year old wouldn't have any great advice, I just wouldn't worry about somethings. Who knows why he sent her an email telling her to take care of herself and her family, maybe he was feeling poorly, maybe it was sent to him and he found it to be good advice, maybe there is a monkey in his house sending emails. Either way, one doesn't have a lot of time left and I wouldn't sweat the small stuff.

 

When my great grandmother was about that age she would randomly sing It's a Small World, but that doesn't mean I didn't listen to her.

[Soror]

It seems something an older person wouldn't be afraid to say, and imo not terribly rude. There was no name calling or such, or insulting. Just a personal plea to be healthier. Now, if that isn't an actual concern move on and if it needs to be addressed anyway, it is something to ponder. But I don't have any history with this person and perhaps that makes it come off differently.

[Mommyfaithe]

Is it even your weight that he's talking about? I don't know the situation, but all I gathered from the email was that he was talking about a genetic tendency toward disease, and wants you to take steps to prevent that from becoming a problem. I didn't think about it being weight related at all until I read your comment. So I'm just saying that perhaps he didn't intend it the way you took it? Maybe? And also, I do think that someone who is 85 and facing their own mortality is likely to see things a little differently than those of us who think we still have many decades ahead of us. I am very sorry that the email hurt you. :grouphug: But I think in your shoes, I would try my best to assume that he was motivated by love, even if his style could have used some . . . refinement. :). Thank him for his concern, then pass the bean dip.

 

:iagree::iagree:

And I also think I would take serious consideration to what he said. It sounds like good advice, no matter how it is cloaked. Life is short....and health issues, that can be prevented, can make it miserable. I think dad is spot on.

 

I am already getting to the point in my life where I do not want to waste time beating around the bush. I don't think he was rude. He had something to say and he said it. I don't want my kids to think it is ok to blow me off just because they don't like what they heard. I try to say things nicely, but if someone needs a kick in the pants, they need a kick in the pants!

 

My 2nd dd just did that for me....then backed up her comment with a gift to the gym....AND became my gym partner for the summer. We are having so much fun. I could have gotten pissed off....instead, I heard what she was saying....and agreed it was time for some drastic changes.

:grouphug::grouphug:

Faithe

[Mommyfaithe]

With vigorous walks. The gentleman is spot-on.

 

Bill

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

Bill, you are getting so wise in our old age!:D

[nansk]

It looks like it was a heartfelt message written by someone who's not really familiar with formatting emails and isn't comfortable with written messages.

 

I would just thank my dad for his concern.

 

:iagree:

 

I would not ignore it. He sounds like he really cares about both of you. And I would definitely ignore the capslock, I would not brood on the perceived insult and I would thank my father for his concern.

[Skadi]

With vigorous walks. The gentleman is spot-on.

 

Bill

 

That's crazy. If the OP would be a size 6 after losing ten to fifteen pounds, we can assume that she's about a size 8. Here are dozens of pictures of women that size, and I don't think they need to take vigorous walks to extend their lifespan. :lol:

 

http://www.mybodygallery.com/search.html?height=any&weight=any&pant=8&shirt=any&zphoto=Large&new=1

[Spy Car]

That's crazy. If the OP would be a size 6 after losing ten to fifteen pounds, we can assume that she's about a size 8. Here are dozens of pictures of women that size, and I don't think they need to take vigorous walks to extend their lifespan. :lol:

 

http://www.mybodygallery.com/search.html?height=any&weight=any&pant=8&shirt=any&zphoto=Large&new=1

 

Then you are wrong. It is not about size 8 vs size 6, it is about being sedentary vs being fit.

 

The number one thing we can do for our health is to move. This 85 gentleman is giving good council (cap locks or no). One can choose to be "offended" or to get off the couch. It is a choice with actual real-life repercussions.

 

Bill

[Parrothead]

Then you are wrong. It is not about size 8 vs size 6, it is about being sedentary vs being fit.

 

The number one thing we can do for our health is to move. This 85 gentleman is giving good council (cap locks or no). One can choose to be "offended" or to get off the couch. It is a choice with actual real-life repercussions.

 

Bill

:iagree:Possibly the dad is confusing weight and fitness. OP regardless of dh's and your size, could you two use a bit of daily exercise more than a diet?

[Truscifi]

Then you are wrong. It is not about size 8 vs size 6, it is about being sedentary vs being fit.

 

The number one thing we can do for our health is to move. This 85 gentleman is giving good council (cap locks or no). One can choose to be "offended" or to get off the couch. It is a choice with actual real-life repercussions.

 

Bill

 

:iagree: I didn't read it as a comment about weight or appearance, but rather as concern over a general state of health. Also, he's 85. I'd cut him some slack for not phrasing things more politely.

[Mommyfaithe]

Then you are wrong. It is not about size 8 vs size 6, it is about being sedentary vs being fit.

 

The number one thing we can do for our health is to move. This 85 gentleman is giving good council (cap locks or no). One can choose to be "offended" or to get off the couch. It is a choice with actual real-life repercussions.

 

Bill

 

This is so true!! I am a size 4!! Dd 14 is a size 0! I am much more active than she has been since she quit swim team. Her doctor just had a loooooonnnnggg chat with her about being a fat skinny person. IOW, yes, she is very thin, but has very little muscle mass....and does not have physical endurance or strength. We are naturally tiny....and genetically lazy:tongue_smilie: I push myself to be active and fit. Now, dd has been given orders that she needs to be more active....her health really depends on it!

 

Listen to Dad!!! He loves you and caps aside, wants the best for you!

 

Faithe

[J-rap]

Let it go. He is 85 years old, and clearly just wants the best for you. Most people I know who are that age lose just a little perspective on how to word things politely. His intentions are good.

[Debbie in OR]

Then you are wrong. It is not about size 8 vs size 6, it is about being sedentary vs being fit.

 

The number one thing we can do for our health is to move. This 85 gentleman is giving good council (cap locks or no). One can choose to be "offended" or to get off the couch. It is a choice with actual real-life repercussions.

 

Bill

 

:iagree: I didn't read it as a comment about weight or appearance, but rather as concern over a general state of health. Also, he's 85. I'd cut him some slack for not phrasing things more politely.

 

Absolutely agree with both of these! I have the reverse going on in my world: my mom is not fit and I am consistently trying to find ways of saying it nicely. But I have gotten to the place where her health is more important to me than being nice...so we occasionally have difficult discussions about it. But I don't care anymore because I love her and want to do everything within my sphere of influence to speak truth into her life.

 

 

....About being healthy, not skinny. Your fil is loving your family in his bluntness.

[Soror]

How could he have said it more politely? I thought he did pretty good about that, he didn't even mention weight or size but focused on health and what the positive reasons to be healthy.

[Greta]

 

My 2nd dd just did that for me....then backed up her comment with a gift to the gym....AND became my gym partner for the summer. We are having so much fun.

 

That sounds like a pretty cool daughter you have there. :thumbup1:

[3peasinWa]

fact is - no one can motivate a person to loose weight or get more active. It has to come from the person. So grandpa needs to chill.

 

But I agree with the 2nd poster to respond with something like "nice to hear from you dad, how's the weather down there?"

[MrsMe]

The note wouldn't bother me. As someone who is "over 50", I'd have to say to those who are overweight and/or sit around, the same thing. It's a lot harder to get in shape at 50 and I wish I was more active. They're little things...I just wish.... and I think he's telling you the same thing.

 

I can't tell you how many people I know in their mid 40's that are overweight and telling me, "I just don't eat vegetables", "I hate exercising", "I never get my labs done"....etc, etc. And I will cringe as they age.

 

It's a wake up call for someone who knows. I'd take it to heart and not be oversensitive about it.

[MrsMe]

Then you are wrong. It is not about size 8 vs size 6, it is about being sedentary vs being fit.

 

The number one thing we can do for our health is to move. This 85 gentleman is giving good council (cap locks or no). One can choose to be "offended" or to get off the couch. It is a choice with actual real-life repercussions.

 

Bill

 

Bingo!

[Carrie75]

I would ignore it, and just write him a nice email back thanking him for his concern. You get some slack when you're 85. Also, I'm impressed that he's 85 and uses email. My 80 year old MIL won't get within ten feet of a computer!

:iagree:Let it roll right off your back. He's just concerned.

[SJ.]

That's crazy. If the OP would be a size 6 after losing ten to fifteen pounds, we can assume that she's about a size 8. Here are dozens of pictures of women that size, and I don't think they need to take vigorous walks to extend their lifespan. :lol:

 

http://www.mybodygallery.com/search.html?height=any&weight=any&pant=8&shirt=any&zphoto=Large&new=1

 

Eating healthy and exercise does not always mean one is trying to lose weight. Eating healthy and exercise leads to better health, better quality of life.

 

Then you are wrong. It is not about size 8 vs size 6, it is about being sedentary vs being fit.

 

The number one thing we can do for our health is to move. This 85 gentleman is giving good council (cap locks or no). One can choose to be "offended" or to get off the couch. It is a choice with actual real-life repercussions.

 

Bill

 

:iagree:

[kolamum]

:grouphug:

 

Hmm.. I haven't read the whole thread so maybe I missed this, but:

 

Has something significant happened to him recently in regards to health? Has someone in the family passed away that would cause him concern?

 

Maybe it's an age thing. My mil, has aged considerably {mentally more then physically} over the past 6 years. She's told me point blank she thinks one of my children is overweight. She's told me my husband is. She's yet to say I am. Maybe it's an age thing.

 

As insultive as it was, I'd probably ignore it. If nothing major has happened & it's not a sign of his age, then maybe someone else put a bee in his bonnet so's to put it. I'm sorry it was blunt & stung, but it might be best to just pass the bean dip so you don't harbor any anger against him, kwim?

[stripe]

With vigorous walks. The gentleman is spot-on.

 

Bill

 

Can you bring Grampers along for the walk? Is he around or far away? I think more family connection would also help. Involve him more with your kids if possible.

 

My grandma's mother died when she was a young child as well, and he's right -- it does affect a person tremendously. Of course people die in other ways besides from bad health, but it is basically sound advice he's giving.

 

My in laws are planning for their death. They feel like their time is approaching and they want to get things in order. I think he may be thinking of such matters. It's normal. And wise -- since everyone does in fact die.

 

As to all caps, that is silly to be offended by. Just ignore that.

[elcmum]

The rule I think of in situations like this is "assume positive intentions".

 

While the message content came across a little rude and condescending, his intention is one of care and concern for your health and well-being.

 

So, file it away in your brain and know that you are both loved, and don't say anything else.

[Retired]

well I'm not 85 but I have told my mil, parents and in laws the same basic thing, get moving and stop eating junk. I've been having that same conversation with my MIL for 15 years. She was just in the hospital for stints-- she actually said she should of listen to me WOW! My parents are even now listening to my not so nice recommendation and have started a exercise and healthy eating. My dad is a diabetic that was very sick when he moved in with me 3 months ago. He has lost 30 pounds, no longer using a cane, and has better memory (brittle diabetic, stroke, dementia due to not managing his diabetes with bad eating, sitting on his lazy ass). He actually hugged me and thanked me said he needed someone in his face. That was after him trying to hit me for taking his carbs aways LOL

 

I care about all these people in my life and hate hate the way they have abused their bodies. They have been hurt and mad at me but I still said what needed to be said.

 

NOW i don't know you or your family but seems to me the old guy loves you, he is seeing the end of his life in sight and wants you and your family to be healthy. Cut him some slack!!!