A Poll in light of recent parenting threads.

[snickelfritz]

Would you (have you) changed how you parent?

[PrairieAir]

I wouldn't say we were too hard on the oldest, but I would do things a little differently. I was a very young mother and my first was a difficult child. I think I could have handled things better if I had had a little more wisdom and flexibility. I was too worried that I would ruin him if I wasn't firm enough when he was disobedient or disrespectful. The tactics which worked for the other kids did not work for him. It's all turned out well, but I think I might have spared us some years of heartache and turmoil. Then again, there's no way of knowing for certain. Some people seem bound and determined to learn all their lessons the hard way.

[Tracey in TX]

Our children are practically the same age, so we didn't change from oldest to youngest. We did morph as the children get older. Expectations change, obviously, and we have adjusted our parenting style to meet the demands of adolescents compared to toddlers. Our parenting beliefs have remained status quo, but manner in which we convey them has grown.

 

Did I utterly avoid answering your question?:D

[Marie in Oh]

Mostly I do things differently but I think I had inappropriate expectations for my older kids. I expected them to be what some book said they should be instead of accepting them for who they were.

 

:iagree: My advice to new parents is to throw away all the books. All they do is make you second guess what your gut is telling you as a parent. And make you feel guilty. And confuse you.

[Remudamom]

We were too easy on the first and too hard on the triplets, who were last. The middle child got the best deal I think.

[MelissaM]

I wouldn't worry so much about what other people thought. Because I was young and unmarried with my first I felt that I had to prove myself worthy and capable to everyone. It carried over some with the next two.

[Jenny in Atl]

I was very lucky to have a peaceful upbringing and to have become part of a group of ladies who modeled for me great parenting. I was so thankfully to be in the company of these women (all ages- from grandmothers to women in their early 20's) who truly listened to their children, and guided them with a deep love and respect. I honestly don't think I would have become the mother I am today without them.

[Crissy]

I voted other. We have changed from one son to the next, but not because we were too hard or too easy on the first. They are just have such different personalities that our approach in certain situations is tailored to the boy we're dealing with.

[Kelli in TN]

 

:iagree: My advice to new parents is to throw away all the books. All they do is make you second guess what your gut is telling you as a parent. And make you feel guilty. And confuse you.

 

Except for a good nursing book. Keep good nursing book around. I personally recommend The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.

 

Well, a book on how to make babyfood is not a bad idea.

 

And one about developmental stages.

 

But other than that you should stay in your recliner for the first six months nursing and reading novels! :lol: Because later you won't have nursing to blame for your urge to read novels all day!

[Rich with Kids]

These threads are painful for me and yet I'm still reading them...:001_huh:

 

My ex beat my oldest son. As a result, he was diagnosed with Shaken Baby Syndrome and had a seizure disorder. My ex took away my ability to be the kind of parent I wanted to be. I am not against spanking, but since xdh went there immediately without restraint, no questions asked, this was never an option for me. A swat on the butt from me would have seemed laughable to my ds compared to the a$$ whupin's he got from his dad. Thankfully, ds has a sweet spirit and loving personality, so spanking isn't really an issue. Now we do deal with the clueless, 12yo boy testosterone stares. The total lack of common sense and occasional disrespect is dealt with that by issuing some hard labor. Cleaning out dirty garbage cans, pulling weeds, sweeping the driveway, cleaning the pool...I'm assured they grow out of this phase. Yes?

[TammyinTN]

We had our girls when we were young. Then 8 years later had our son. I'm a much better, easier going parent now. We did college with both the girls, worked two jobs and struggled. The youngest has definitely benefited by us not having financial stress and by us having so much more time to spend doing fun stuff and traveling. I feel we were much tougher on them because of our circumstances. Now I'm pretty laid back in all respects and take nothing for granted.

[Ashleen]

My ex beat my oldest son. As a result, he was diagnosed with Shaken Baby Syndrome and had a seizure disorder.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Liz CA]

These threads are painful for me and yet I'm still reading them...:001_huh:

 

The total lack of common sense and occasional disrespect is dealt with that by issuing some hard labor. Cleaning out dirty garbage cans, pulling weeds, sweeping the driveway, cleaning the pool...I'm assured they grow out of this phase. Yes?

 

Yes, this is what we do/did. The greatest help for me was a book titled "Boundaries with Kids". It changed everything for me and I became a much more relaxed parent, realizing that his *bad*choices did not need to affect my attitude. All I had to calmly say:"I am so sorry you chose this course of action. The consequence is...." What a relief that was!

[kat19]

We do the same thing with all. Even though the baby is only 3 months, but we will do the same thing with him we did with the other 2.

I am always told I have the best behaved kids :D :001_smile:

I just love to hear that..

[Once]

In some ways we were too easy on our oldest - not requiring chores or manners before 8 years old and trying to *talk* our way through to agreeability instead of simply requiring certain things like please and thank-yous. Kindly of course. But we have required more of this from our second and manners so far from our third. We have in the last two years required more from our oldest perhaps over swinging to strickness slightly. But I need to add our oldest really needed that as she tends to try to negotiate down whenever she can...if she did not need it I would have been happy with the more free style approach. (Ducking as I say this as I know that many people would say *all children* need this.)

 

We are a real mixed bag here as I see or parenting choices around certain things as unchanging such as co-sleeping and long term nursing.

 

It is interesting to me to go through the seasons of our parenting. We had some very desperate financial times in our parenting journey and that certainly affected how we chose to parent.

[LisaKinVA]

We are still changing...

 

My upbringing was pretty much a spanking for everything and anything, until we were about 10-12, at which point we lost priviledges. My mom still feels that is best.

 

We started out on the "spank for everything" path, but around the time my oldest was 3yrs old had a HUGE change of heart. We still spank (very rarely, though and only for two things... lying and outright defiance).

 

We now give the lying child an opportunity to confess... and thus avoid the spanking. We employ a much broader array of consequences for poor behavior, disobedience, poor judgement, etc.

 

But, we still have more growing and changing to do. I have been making a concerted effort to reduce (and hopefully eliminate yelling) in our house. Yelling really bothers me -- and it's the next thing we need to eliminate from our house.

[Sharon H in IL]

I'm voting 'too easy on the older child' because he was a challenging baby and even more so as a toddler. I didn't transition well to the toddler stage where needs and wants diverge, and he looked to me for all his entertainment and social needs, and he was (and is) an extremely social, interactive child.

 

He was exhausting, and it took a long time (or at least it seemed an awfully long time) to figure out how and when to let him scream (and then get bored with that find his own project to do) and when to GOYB.

 

And I was married to the father but single parenting, if you know what I'm talking about. DH and I have both learned and grown; we'd do things a lot differently in some respects but the fundamentals would remain the same.

 

BTW, both boys have settled into lovely children, whose company I enjoy.

[mellifera]

I would say that we haven't changed how we parent. However, I have noticed that I have more patience with all of the kids now than I had when we started parenting. I'm also less likely to get uptight about things (like how I'm doing things differently from my parents, friends, etc.). How we do things, though, hasn't really changed.

[Elm in NJ]

I voted 1 but I think I am just a lot more relaxed. I pick my battles and life is so much less complicated. House is more messy but I have a much lower blood pressure.

 

Elmeryl(with J12, C9, R7, L7)

[Heather in OK]

I would have never(!!) used BabyWise. :(

[Jill- OK]

Would you (have you) changed how you parent?

 

...and our struggle is having the energy to keep it up with the younger ones, lol. :-o

 

That's honestly what I find myself fighting against; being so flat worn out that I can't duplicate what we did with the oldest two. Not that it was perfect, but we were definitely more consistent, more on top of things.

 

I find a little comfort in knowing that you can't replicate any one child's raising exactly, with another one, and I believe that the little kids' lives are richer because of having so many siblings...but I still have moments where I think, "Wow. When #1 and #2 were that age, they were (fill in the blank with some big chore or other responsibility)."

 

Ah, well. I guess it's part of the oldest child(ren)'s birthright to feel as if they toed the line, and the 'babies' got it easy, lol. (Said as an oldest child who shook her head at her mom's explanation of "You just get tired" when younger brother slid out from under consequences that would have been meted out to her with swiftness and crushing force).

[Jugglin'5]

...and our struggle is having the energy to keep it up with the younger ones, lol. :-o

 

That's honestly what I find myself fighting against; being so flat worn out that I can't duplicate what we did with the oldest two. Not that it was perfect, but we were definitely more consistent, more on top of things.

 

 

This is pretty much where we are. The little ones "catch" a lot of good behavior and expectations from the olders. They don't squabble much because the olders don't, etc., but they have not had the extensive training that the olders did. Plus they are so darn good for entertainment value.:tongue_smilie:

DH and I have been telling ourselves that we need to be more pro-active with the youngest two but energy is definitely an issue.

[Christine]

I know I was too hard on my older two (especially the oldest). . .and I find myself frequently thinking I'm way to lenient with the younger two. (like a bad over-correction)

 

*sigh*