Do you find there's anyone with whom you continually have a bad conversation?

[Ginevra]

By this I mean, with "Sue," the same poor subject comes up, you have a moderately uncomfortable disagreeable discussion about it, it is apparent that there will be no meeting of the minds about it, and then some weeks or months later, here comes the same conversation again. :confused:

 

I don't know why I keep getting sucked into this same nowhere discussion with a family member. It's never a hot debate, just very apparent that we are from two different planets and will not see eye-to-eye on this (and many other) subjects. Yet, here it comes up again. And again. And again.

 

It's not homeschooling that's the topic, but it could just as easily be. This one person just replays these same, "Well, I did this..," "Well, I think that..." over and over and I always end up saying to myself, "WHY did I 'go there' AGAIN!?"

 

What do I need to train myself to do? Boldly say, "Look, Sue, we have discussed this subject 20 dozen times. You think X. I think Y. I'm not changing my mind and I seriously doubt you are. Can we just stop having this discussion again and again?" That would really be terribly awkward. But I end up feeling agitated each time, so I'm not convinced that's a lot better. Plus, I just never realize we're doing it again until we've been talking a while and I'm starting to say inwardly, "WHY?"

[LaxMom]

Well, I think you can probably say that in a way that makes it clear that it's an exercise in futility without really offending them. I say "you" because I have no poker face at all, so my giant (unintended, but completely felt) eyeroll would probably not lend itself to the cause. I know other people who could pull it off, though.

 

And, yes, I have a couple of those.

[Catwoman]

I have known people exactly like this, and after the first few times, I simply say, "OK, look. We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one, so let's just talk about something else."

 

Say it in a friendly way, with a smile, and repeat as necessary. If you have to do it twice in the same conversation, you could add a, "Come on, I'm not kidding" to the sentence, but don't embellish beyond that; keep it short and sweet, and be ready with a new topic.

 

The real secret is to do it before you're already embroiled in the Big Debate.

 

If she still doesn't listen, whack her with a rolled-up newspaper. (If you don't catch them in the act, they'll never learn... ;))

[Guest]

I have known people exactly like this, and after the first few times, I simply say, "OK, look. We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one, so let's just talk about something else."

 

Say it in a friendly way, with a smile, and repeat as necessary. If you have to do it twice in the same conversation, you could add a, "Come on, I'm not kidding" to the sentence, but don't embellish beyond that; keep it short and sweet, and be ready with a new topic.

 

The real secret is to do it before you're already embroiled in the Big Debate.

 

If she still doesn't listen, whack her with a rolled-up newspaper. (If you don't catch them in the act, they'll never learn... ;))

 

I might tattoo that on my inner arm next time I see her...:lol:

[LillyMama]

Oh, yes, and she come from my husband's family tree. I'm not, by any means, without a backbone, and I love discussions and constructive conversations, so it took me a while to realize we were re-covering old ground ALL THE TIME. And that my words were constantly being twisted, and I was starting to get stressed.

 

Nothing I've tried works. My husband has spoken to her a few times, that seems to be most effective. Now, I just make sure my kids are around as much as possible, and use them- "I think this conversation isn't appropriate around such young ears." Since she won't behave badly in front of my husband, I also make him hang around as much as possible.:D

[Catwoman]

I might tattoo that on my inner arm next time I see her...:lol:

 

That could have long term value.

 

For the rest of your life, whenever someone disagrees with you and you don't want to deal with them, all you'll have to do is hold up your arm and they will know exactly how you're feeling.

 

And if you have to hold up your arm multiple times, you could add some hand gestures to add a bit more impact. (You might only need to use one finger. :D)

[Farrar]

What do I need to train myself to do? Boldly say, "Look, Sue, we have discussed this subject 20 dozen times. You think X. I think Y. I'm not changing my mind and I seriously doubt you are. Can we just stop having this discussion again and again?" That would really be terribly awkward. But I end up feeling agitated each time, so I'm not convinced that's a lot better. Plus, I just never realize we're doing it again until we've been talking a while and I'm starting to say inwardly, "WHY?"

 

I don't think that's necessarily awkward or rude. She may be someone who enjoys discussing the issue. She may not be good at reading that she's not going to change your mind or that you don't want to talk about it anymore. If you don't tell her that you're tired of talking about it, she may genuinely not know, even if you've clearly sent out that vibe.

 

I've definitely had this happen with people... It's especially annoying when people blithely say things that go completely against your opinion but in a way where they expect that you'll agree with their perspective. I have a family member that's always doing this and it makes me crazy. It's like, look, I respect your opinions, but please notice that mine are different and don't say things in a way where you think I'm in agreement with you! I've pretty much said that, but she doesn't get it. I think she's not a very deep thinker, so she doesn't think out things like that very well. Usually I can just not take the bait, but sometimes it's hard.

[5kidsforME]

I don't get it? :confused: Just don't respond. Don't engage. Smile, walk away. Or, smile and nod.

[Guest]

I don't get it? :confused: Just don't respond. Don't engage. Smile, walk away. Or, smile and nod.

 

Because this would be bizarre. She is family. How would you possibly do that? It would be like this:

 

HER: "Bob and I go out to dinner two or three times a week. Don't you and your dh go out to eat every week?"

 

ME: :001_huh:

 

HER: "I mean, your kids are older, it's not like you need a baby sitter. What else would you possibly do on a Friday night?"

 

ME: :001_huh:

 

I'll grant you, no conversation would happen, but that might be too high a cost. You can't just not speak to someone.

[WeeBeaks]

My own DH is like this. He has ADD and truly doesn't remember ever in the past discussing the topic. No idea at all, no recollection, zero. Even on very very important topics in our marriage.

 

Aside from something like the above in the family member, I would agree with walking away or being blunt that you aren't going there any longer.

[Tammyla]

I've had this conversation with a pushy, well intentioned friend.

 

I just tell her, I'm happy for her/them, but not to worry about my marriage; We're happy, in love and we'll spend our time the way we want to;).

 

 

If that hadn't worked, I would have moved onto the smile, laugh and say..."You're so funny."

 

Because this would be bizarre. She is family. How would you possibly do that? It would be like this:

 

HER: "Bob and I go out to dinner two or three times a week. Don't you and your dh go out to eat every week?"

 

ME: :001_huh:

 

HER: "I mean, your kids are older, it's not like you need a baby sitter. What else would you possibly do on a Friday night?"

 

ME: :001_huh:

 

I'll grant you, no conversation would happen, but that might be too high a cost. You can't just not speak to someone.

[MinivanMom]

Because this would be bizarre. She is family. How would you possibly do that? It would be like this:

 

HER: "Bob and I go out to dinner two or three times a week. Don't you and your dh go out to eat every week?"

 

ME: :001_huh:

 

HER: "I mean, your kids are older, it's not like you need a baby sitter. What else would you possibly do on a Friday night?"

 

ME: :001_huh:

 

I'll grant you, no conversation would happen, but that might be too high a cost. You can't just not speak to someone.

 

Actually, this is exactly how I handled it with someone in dh's family. She was always making ugly personal comments, loudly declaring her extreme opinions to be generally accepted facts, or just trying to pick fights. I simply smiled and did not respond. Then I would wander off or change the subject out of the blue. I had talked to her about the problem; dh had talked to her. If anything it made it worse, because she relished the idea that she was upsetting us. I simply stopped responding. Then she started complaining to dh that I'm rude, because I don't talk enough! :lol: I thought that was hilarious. It died down a little after that, because we weren't taking the bait. Eventually we just limited our time with her, because we didn't want to waste our lives spending time with someone who is so deliberately unpleasant.

[fairfarmhand]

Because this would be bizarre. She is family. How would you possibly do that? It would be like this:

 

HER: "Bob and I go out to dinner two or three times a week. Don't you and your dh go out to eat every week?"

 

ME: :001_huh:(no, but we have other ways of keeping our marriage healthy.

 

HER: "I mean, your kids are older, it's not like you need a baby sitter. What else would you possibly do on a Friday night?"

 

ME: :001_huh: It looks like you are concerned for our marriage. I appreciate the thought. We are just fine. We've found what works for us. I am glad that you have found what works for you! Isn't is great to have a good marriage. And it looks different for everyone, but that is what makes life so great! Every one being different....

 

I'll grant you, no conversation would happen, but that might be too high a cost. You can't just not speak to someone.

 

I;ve found that being positive and complimentary to people helps defuse their criticism and argumentativeness.

[Guest]

I;ve found that being positive and complimentary to people helps defuse their criticism and argumentativeness.

 

I think that's what ends up driving me nuts about it. It doesn't matter what I say. It doesn't matter if I'm nice or not nice, doesn't matter if I say, something like, "Well, everybody's different. We're homebodies. We're happy at home," it doesn't make a difference, she'll keep coming back with how she thinks it *should* be or what she has always done or required.

 

I have often thought that the only way to shut her up would be to convincingly agree with her completely, so she would not feel the need to continue beating the dead horse. "Yes, you're absolutely right. We should definitely do exactly what you always did. I'll call Libertories right now so we can be sure we have a reservation for Friday." There's not a chance I'd do that; even thinking about it I can only say it sarcastically in my head. :tongue_smilie: But it's probably the only thing that would keep her from dogging me about the same things all the time.

[LillyMama]

I think that's what ends up driving me nuts about it. It doesn't matter what I say. It doesn't matter if I'm nice or not nice, doesn't matter if I say, something like, "Well, everybody's different. We're homebodies. We're happy at home," it doesn't make a difference, she'll keep coming back with how she thinks it *should* be or what she has always done or required.

 

I have often thought that the only way to shut her up would be to convincingly agree with her completely, so she would not feel the need to continue beating the dead horse. "Yes, you're absolutely right. We should definitely do exactly what you always did. I'll call Libertories right now so we can be sure we have a reservation for Friday." There's not a chance I'd do that; even thinking about it I can only say it sarcastically in my head. :tongue_smilie: But it's probably the only thing that would keep her from dogging me about the same things all the time.

 

Are you related to my husband?!?! Because THIS is exactly the kind of stuff that goes on here. And it sounds/feels so silly to even talk about it- who cares if she tells you to go out to dinner more, ignore it, that's a silly thing to feel criticized about. BUT I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!! Because it becomes about everything- what color your toe nails should be, how hot your showers should be, if the kids should wear flip flops or regular sandals, cut my daughter's hair or let it grow?, scramble or hard-boil eggs, what flowers to plant out front... It goes on and on... And no matter what you say, even if you disingenuously agree, you still end up being criticized, "I cannot believe I should have to tell you this, I feel bad that your kids and husbands have had to deal with this for so long." And to say anything is also weird. Because there's always the, "How can you be so sensitive, I'm just talking about flowers, not attacking you!"

 

:rant:

 

Sorry, just felt nice for a minute to think there's someone else out there who knows what it's like to be me. ;)

[Tap]

Yes, I have a repetitive conversation with my mother. She thinks that Autism/Aspergers is caused by the chemicals in our food, baby formula and plastics used in storage/packaging. I don't agree or disagree, she is mainly ranting and doesn't intend to have a conversation about it, she just wants me to agree with her. I am in the person in our family who is considered 'crunchy', but I have never heard of a study proving a correlation of any of these either.

 

The thing that is irritating, is that she doesn't research it, she doesn't have any facts about it, she just makes blanket statements that have no evidence baking them up. She will then go into a 10 minute tirade about it.

 

She thinks that baby formula is the worst thing a baby can have (there was a tainted brand when we were little in the 60-70's so feels that they are all still bad now). She doesn't promote breasfeeding....she says they should have canned milk instead. She doesn't get the irony that the lineage of our family where canned milk was used on babies....is the side with prevalent Autism/Aspergers. LOL :confused:

 

 

I usually pull her out of the tirade by putting in some comments like "ya, know what, it could just as easily be the strawberries we are eating causing it. Who knows, maybe humans aren't supposed to eat strawberries!" I start making up off the wall causes and then change the subject.

Edited May 30, 2012 by Tap, tap, tap

[Mommyfaithe]

That could have long term value.

 

For the rest of your life, whenever someone disagrees with you and you don't want to deal with them, all you'll have to do is hold up your arm and they will know exactly how you're feeling.

 

And if you have to hold up your arm multiple times, you could add some hand gestures to add a bit more impact. (You might only need to use one finger. :D)

 

:iagree:

:D

[LaxMom]

Because this would be bizarre. She is family. How would you possibly do that? It would be like this:

 

HER: "Bob and I go out to dinner two or three times a week. Don't you and your dh go out to eat every week?"

 

ME: :001_huh:

 

HER: "I mean, your kids are older, it's not like you need a baby sitter. What else would you possibly do on a Friday night?"

 

ME: :001_huh:

 

I'll grant you, no conversation would happen, but that might be too high a cost. You can't just not speak to someone.

 

I'm sorry my mother has been annoying you. Just tell her to go home (and not call me to have that exact.same.coversation. :glare:)

[5kidsforME]

I think that's what ends up driving me nuts about it. It doesn't matter what I say. It doesn't matter if I'm nice or not nice, doesn't matter if I say, something like, "Well, everybody's different. We're homebodies. We're happy at home," it doesn't make a difference, she'll keep coming back with how she thinks it *should* be or what she has always done or required.

 

I have often thought that the only way to shut her up would be to convincingly agree with her completely, so she would not feel the need to continue beating the dead horse. "Yes, you're absolutely right. We should definitely do exactly what you always did. I'll call Libertories right now so we can be sure we have a reservation for Friday." There's not a chance I'd do that; even thinking about it I can only say it sarcastically in my head. :tongue_smilie: But it's probably the only thing that would keep her from dogging me about the same things all the time.

 

Exactly!! So say nothing. :D

 

Seriously, so what if it's awkward? Make it awkward for her.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I think that's what ends up driving me nuts about it. It doesn't matter what I say. It doesn't matter if I'm nice or not nice, doesn't matter if I say, something like, "Well, everybody's different. We're homebodies. We're happy at home," it doesn't make a difference, she'll keep coming back with how she thinks it *should* be or what she has always done or required.

 

I have often thought that the only way to shut her up would be to convincingly agree with her completely, so she would not feel the need to continue beating the dead horse. "Yes, you're absolutely right. We should definitely do exactly what you always did. I'll call Libertories right now so we can be sure we have a reservation for Friday." There's not a chance I'd do that; even thinking about it I can only say it sarcastically in my head. :tongue_smilie: But it's probably the only thing that would keep her from dogging me about the same things all the time.

 

Y'know, this is exactly Miss Manners' method to use with a person who gives unsolicited advice. Calmly, mildly, and briefly agree with everything. Verbally, cheerfully, go along with everything they say. But then don't actually do any of it. Do whatever you want, always.

 

Even if she tells you what you should be doing at that very moment in that very room, agree to it, and then don't do it. Do what you want.

 

"Quill! You said you'd frost the cake with coconut! I told you coconut was best! This is chocolate!"

 

"Yes, dear, coconut is best. Would you like another piece of cake?"

 

"You know I only eat coconut. I never eat chocolate."

 

"Oh, I don't, either," you say, as you take another bite of chocolate cake.

 

Wouldn't it be more fun to drive her crazy than to be driven crazy by her? Get in the driver's seat!

[myfunnybunch]

HER: "Bob and I go out to dinner two or three times a week. Don't you and your dh go out to eat every week?"

 

ME: :001_huh:

 

HER: "I mean, your kids are older, it's not like you need a baby sitter. What else would you possibly do on a Friday night?"

 

ME: :001_huh:

 

I'll grant you, no conversation would happen, but that might be too high a cost. You can't just not speak to someone.

 

I dunno. It would get your point across pretty quick. If you felt it necessary to give a verbal response in addition to the :001_huh:, you could respond in a puzzled voice, "What exactly do you mean?" or "You can't think of anything to do on Friday nights?"

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

OK, apparently my other suggestion was nothing to write home about, so I'm going to give it another shot.

 

No matter what she says, look offended and say, "I can't believe you would say such a thing!" in a shocked & appalled tone, and then just stare at her. Don't stop staring until it creeps her out and she goes away.

 

If she keeps on talking, just mutter something along the lines of "UN-be-lievable!" under your breath (but so she can still hear you,) and walk away mad.

 

Personally, I would probably say things like, "Why would I care what you think?" but you're probably too nice to do that.

 

If you want, the next time you're going to see her, I can disguise myself as you, and tell her what you really think of her.

[Alte Veste Academy]

By this I mean, with "Sue," the same poor subject comes up, you have a moderately uncomfortable disagreeable discussion about it, it is apparent that there will be no meeting of the minds about it, and then some weeks or months later, here comes the same conversation again. :confused:

 

I don't know why I keep getting sucked into this same nowhere discussion with a family member. It's never a hot debate, just very apparent that we are from two different planets and will not see eye-to-eye on this (and many other) subjects. Yet, here it comes up again. And again. And again.

 

It's not homeschooling that's the topic, but it could just as easily be. This one person just replays these same, "Well, I did this..," "Well, I think that..." over and over and I always end up saying to myself, "WHY did I 'go there' AGAIN!?"

 

What do I need to train myself to do? Boldly say, "Look, Sue, we have discussed this subject 20 dozen times. You think X. I think Y. I'm not changing my mind and I seriously doubt you are. Can we just stop having this discussion again and again?" That would really be terribly awkward. But I end up feeling agitated each time, so I'm not convinced that's a lot better. Plus, I just never realize we're doing it again until we've been talking a while and I'm starting to say inwardly, "WHY?"

 

This is what it's like to talk to my father, who is always right about everything. ALWAYS. And if you don't agree with him, you are clearly an idiot. He doesn't feel sorry for you for being an idiot, either. He just gets angry and redoubles his efforts at convincing you of the one, true, right way. When you still don't get on board, he gets visibly disgusted with you.

 

He and my mom left my house at 8:53 am this morning, after a 5 day visit. I put a nature documentary on for the kids and took a nap. I was worthless all day. For what it's worth, I have an enormous backbone. I stand my ground. I state that we'll have to agree to disagree. I say things like, "Do you really want to go there AGAIN?" During this visit, I actually said to him, "That's a funny place to put a piano!" ala Bugs Bunny and then walked out of the room. Nothing matters. NOTHING MATTERS! I want to put :lol: but I'm too exhausted. The sad thing is that I think my parents are starting to worry about my marriage because I am always so cranky when they are around. DH knows why and it isn't him!

 

Are you related to my husband?!?! Because THIS is exactly the kind of stuff that goes on here. And it sounds/feels so silly to even talk about it- who cares if she tells you to go out to dinner more, ignore it, that's a silly thing to feel criticized about. BUT I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!! Because it becomes about everything- what color your toe nails should be, how hot your showers should be, if the kids should wear flip flops or regular sandals, cut my daughter's hair or let it grow?, scramble or hard-boil eggs, what flowers to plant out front... It goes on and on... And no matter what you say, even if you disingenuously agree, you still end up being criticized, "I cannot believe I should have to tell you this, I feel bad that your kids and husbands have had to deal with this for so long." And to say anything is also weird. Because there's always the, "How can you be so sensitive, I'm just talking about flowers, not attacking you!"

 

:rant:

 

Sorry, just felt nice for a minute to think there's someone else out there who knows what it's like to be me. ;)

 

Yes, yes, yes!

 

Exactly!! So say nothing. :D

 

Seriously, so what if it's awkward? Make it awkward for her.

 

For some people, there is no awkward. Saying nothing works about as well as everything else I've tried, which is to say not at all. Saying nothing has exactly one effect; it produces silence which he fills up, continuing to drone on and on and on about his brilliant perspective on life. :001_rolleyes: Some people...

 

There was something that worked great about 10 years ago, come to think of it. (A trans-Atlantic move! :D)

[LillyMama]

Y'know, this is exactly Miss Manners' method to use with a person who gives unsolicited advice. Calmly, mildly, and briefly agree with everything. Verbally, cheerfully, go along with everything they say. But then don't actually do any of it. Do whatever you want, always.

 

Even if she tells you what you should be doing at that very moment in that very room, agree to it, and then don't do it. Do what you want.

 

"Quill! You said you'd frost the cake with coconut! I told you coconut was best! This is chocolate!"

 

"Yes, dear, coconut is best. Would you like another piece of cake?"

 

"You know I only eat coconut. I never eat chocolate."

 

"Oh, I don't, either," you say, as you take another bite of chocolate cake.

 

Wouldn't it be more fun to drive her crazy than to be driven crazy by her? Get in the driver's seat!

 

Okay, I like this. I am going to do it! :auto: to get chocolate frosting!

[Candid]

I wouldn't address it so head on. I'd pass the bean dip or ask about the weather. Maybe you could say, "Isn't that interesting? Have you notice that the weather has been really cold lately?" (assuming of course that it is not global warming that you disagree about).

[Plink]

My husband's family LOVES to debate. I don't. I've been known to sing "Round the Mulberry bush" (or is it called "Pop Goes the Weasel?") in the middle of conversations on several occasions. Miss Manners probably wouldn't approve, but it usually stuns people for just long enough that I can sneak out to "take care of the kids."

 

BTW, kids are the best excuse for leaving any conversation. I'm considering keeping mine little forever.

Edited May 30, 2012 by LibertyH

[arghmatey]

If she is intentionally being silly (you mentioned she won't misbehave in front of your husband), then pin her down. As soon as she brings it up, say, "Oh, one moment. DH! Please come over here, Dear. Aunt Ethel wants to discuss circumcision (or whatever the topic is). I don't want to exclude you from this riveting conversation!"