is your DH from the same socioeconomic background as you?

[Gingerbread Mama]

No, he isn't. My mother warned me that this would cause issues, I thought she was just being an elitist snob.....unfortunately, now I see what she meant. It wasn't that she meant I was "too good" for him, but rather that she could see the jealousy and resentment he had for how I was raised. I was an only child with divorced but solidly middle class parents. My grandparents were upper middle class and they helped my mom quite a bit to make sure I had every opportunity. DH's family was large, quite poor, and his grandparents are estranged on one side and died early on the other. He still calls me a "spoiled only child". Sometimes it is fondly "Oh, you wouldn't know about that, spoiled only child" and sometimes it is intentionally cruel "You'd never be able to understand because you're a spoiled only child and think you're better than me."

 

His parents rarely took their kids anywhere, or gave them anything. Partly due to money, but partly due to indifference. They were neglectful at best and abusive at their worst. My MIL truly has mental issues that keep her from being able to not compete with her own children. I believe she really hates it that DH has managed to go further in life than she did and has been able to afford things for his family that she couldn't. She is spiteful and mean, not to mention petty and paranoid. Having said all that, DH is jealous of our kids, I do believe. He frequently comments that HIS mother didn't love him enough to do such and such, HIS mother didn't care enough to feed him anything but raw hot dogs, HIS mother didn't make sure that HE was taken to other places and given cultural experiences. You'd think he'd say that in an "And I'm so glad my wife DOES love MY kids enough to do that." But it's more petulant and "If I didn't get it, neither should they." He and his siblings have some major entitlement issues. They aren't opposed to expecting handouts from those who "have", because they "had not" when they were younger. They also show major pettiness over people who "have".

 

The funny thing is, I never thought of myself as well off. I knew I could have been *worse* off, but I was pretty much on an even playing field with most kids I knew... I was shocked by how intense his feelings were about the differences in our childhood. I would be resentful of my parents for not caring enough to do better and sad for what I'd lost, but I can't imagine hating someone else because they had parents who DID provide those things. It has made me INCREDIBLY grateful to my parents that I was given such experiences, even when they weren't getting along they wanted me to go, do, and see, and they made that happen. As a result, I tend to view someone who has a lot of "stuff" or money as a hard worker or good money manager instead of begrudging them their good fortune. And...I'm not afraid of the world because I know how to interact with people of all classes.

 

It has caused HUGE issues between us. I believe he WANTS to be a good father and so he provides those things for his kids (at my prodding, I feel he would have raised his kids as his parents did him if I weren't around), but it makes me sad that he can't be glad that his kids are having opportunities that the didn't, that perhaps their lives will be less rough and tumultous than his teen years/ early adulthood because they have parents who can and will show an interest. This has been on my mind the last few days, as we are experiencing difficulties relating to this very thing currently :glare: After 15 years of marriage, I'm losing my compassion for him on this. I feel like telling him "I know your childhood was crappy. It makes me sad for you. I'd like to slap your parents over it. Now suck it up and be a grown up, for goodness sakes."

[Seeking Squirrels]

DH and I come from homes of similar income, but completely different ways of making use of it. At least in later years. When I was young, we were quite poor. His family wasn't as well off when he was young as later, but not as low as us. Both families were better off by jr high/high school age when you notice more what's going on. But the impact on us each was way different.

 

DH's family has always been about the kids. They were in piano lessons and baseball. They saved up for family vacations and trips to disneyland. They had a family car later for DH and his sister to use. They really ended up taking it too far. Up to the day DH and I got married (he was 24), his mom washed, dried, and folded his laundry. They paid for his insurance, clothes, toiletries, all that. They had a drawer where they kept money that they could just grab and go if they wanted to see a movie. He had good work ethic and has kept a job since he was 15, but he was never required to use his own money for any necessities.

 

My family didn't do any of that. No classes, lessons, clubs..... We didn't take family vacations or go anywhere. I don't remember even getting to go to the zoo. I did my own cleaning, laundry, and food prep by 11 and by 15/16 I was responsible for my own clothes and toiletries. Even though I didn't have a job. I couldn't get a job because where we lived there was nothing within walking distance, no bus stop within walking distance, and they refused to drive me. They somehow wanted me to find the money to get my own car before the job. :/ So I had to be very careful with every penny I got for gifts.

 

We've been married 7.5 years and DH still has a hard time adjusting to being on a budget. If he wants something, he says we can afford it. Not that we necessarily can, but he just seems to think if we want it, we'll make it work. I always feel like the bad guy saying "no, actually we *can't* afford that". I want to plan carefully and pay attention to where every penny goes. We have a small "allowance" that we give ourselves for all those completely unnecessary things we want so we don't have to check in with the budget. He never has any left. He uses every penny as he gets it on stuff for himself. I always have a large balance because I hesitate even to purchase a soda from the gas station for myself. I end up spending the majority of mine on DD.

[Night Elf]

If we compare our childhoods, they are very similar. However, he went to college and earned a BS and MS. When I met him, his education and income was what I considered an 'OMG!' amount. I didn't know anyone who had a college education let alone a high paying job. I felt very much out of his league. He is the only person in his family with a college degree so they never felt he was marrying down. My family, otoh, felt like I was marrying up. We haven't had any problems because of the disparity. Well, except I can be a spendy mindy sometimes and he's more thrifty than I am.

[HeidiKC]

My house is filled with Lazyboy recliners, ceramic monkeys, and jelly bottles used for drinking which shows I've pretty much given up on trying to establish my decorating style.

 

Omigosh this CRACKS me up! And my kids would give anything to have a houseful of Lazyboy recliners. They seem to think those are fancy, exotic and for very rich people! Maybe because not some of the fancy movie theatres have them. My kids even find the name fascinating, and like to talk about them frequently. Your house would be a dream come true to my kids. Never seen ceramic monkeys, but I'm guessing my kids would love those as well.

[Little Nyssa]

I grew up in a very affluent family and went to Ivy League with no debt, etc. Our family was incredibly sad, though, because of my mom's severe mental illness, so we never thought of ourselves as privileged.

In DH's family hardly anyone went to college but him. DH would never do this, but sometimes my SIL will snipe at me if I inadvertently mention something in the course of conversation, not bragging, about my Dad's profession, or my college, or where I went to summer camp, or trips abroad-- I try not to mention these things around her, because she has a chip on her shoulder that I'm this spoiled rich girl. Though, I haven't heard as much about this ever since her own son got into Stanford!

Yes, I had things most people didn't. But I certainly couldn't appreciate them at the time. It's not fair to blame a person for the family they were born into, rich or poor. My DH is grateful for whatever my parents do for us. That's the right way to be.

[Gingerbread Mama]

We have a small "allowance" that we give ourselves for all those completely unnecessary things we want so we don't have to check in with the budget. He never has any left. He uses every penny as he gets it on stuff for himself. I always have a large balance because I hesitate even to purchase a soda from the gas station for myself. I end up spending the majority of mine on DD.

 

I don't know that your husband's decision to spend on himself can be "blamed" on his raising. I never had to work. My mom bought me a brand new, expensive car when I turned 16. I had tons of clothes, I never wanted for anything. My dad sent $250 in child support each month and my mom gave it to me for spending money. My DH's family was more like yours. Our spending styles are the exact opposite of yours. I will do without to make sure my kids don't want, DH will spend, spend, spend on silly things for himself when that money could be put to good use on the kids. Not that he's totally irresponsible....he makes sure bills are met and the kids DO have a good life....but he just spent $100 on a THIRD xbox that the kids aren't allowed to play (not by his choice, by mine because of screen addiction), while telling me we couldn't afford a $100 membership to the zoo. He wanted the xbox, he doesn't "give a crap" about the zoo.

 

In our case, raising would have to have had the opposite effect. I want my kids to have it as good as I did, my mom sacrificed her wants for me and I will for my kids. DH grew up doing without and doesn't want to do without as an adult. His parents said he didn't earn their money so they wouldn't spend it on him, he doesn't want to spend the money HE earned on things for his kids if it isn't what HE wants.

 

I really think it's just more personality and how you respond to your childhood. Not criticizing, just offering a different experience ;)

[mytwomonkeys]

we have very different backgrounds in every way possible. from just a financial standpoint though, my parents are wealthy and his are not. in the beginning of our marriage there were probably obvious differences in how we approached things, but after 13 years of being together i feel like we've figured it out now. i've changed. he's changed. we met in the middle somewhere. we have borrowed the best from both of our upbringings to establish how we make decisions today. we also apply things that neither of us had learned growing up, such as dave ramsey ideas, etc.

[butterflymommy]

Not to mention her home is decorated in what can best be described as the "Early Bordello" period. :lol:

 

:lol:

 

I sometimes browse local property listings and am always amazed by how many multimillion dollar homes have precisely that theme. If you have that kind of money... perhaps hire a decorator!!

[ondreeuh]

I grew up in an affluent suburb, though my parents believed in having a modest lifestyle (no McMansion, designer clothes, luxury cars, exotic trips, etc.) Almost every family I knew growing up were upper-middle-class or affluent with the parents highly educated white collar professionals like my folks. 95% of the students at my high school went on to attend college, most 4 year schools and about 1/3 of the class elite ones. The expectation was that if a student was on the honors track, he/she would attend a "brand name" college.

 

This describes my upbringing too. My husband grew up in the same affluent suburb (different school, though), the child of a teacher and construction worker. His parents earned a little less than my parents but spent a little more - but they spent it on travel. Overall we were raised with the same values and we have raised our kids the same way. Neither of us grew up materialistic, and both of us love bargains :). Our families made us buy our own stuff and we benefited. Our kids get a modest allowance and they pay for their own stuff too.

 

This has made our marriage pretty easy because we just have the same perspective. Neither of us are comfortable spending a lot on lessons or clothes for the kids, and we don't ever feel comfortable enough to pay for travel (yet ... it is something we want to do more of). We are good at saving money and have simple tastes. Dh's family adores me (and I adore them!) and I think it helps that I was raised pretty much the way he and his siblings were raised.

[StaceyinLA]

although not raised the same. My dad was a Chemical Engineer and Chem plant manager. His dad was an electrician who started a (now extremely successful) business that has really progressed with the times. I'd say we were both upper middle class for sure, but my parents were a bit "classier."

 

The other differences are that he was the oldest, started working young in his dad's business, and didn't really have a close family. I was the baby after 12 years so I was raised like an only child, worked part-time just because I wanted to, and had an extremely close family.

 

Now we are certainly upper middle class, but he still thinks I was spoiled because I do tend toward some luxuries, although in many areas I'm frugal. He's a "gotta buy the best and buy it new," kinda guy.

 

Our kids (his 1, my 4) have pretty much had whatever they want, but we do require them to work for it (like we bought their cars, but they paid insurance and gas type of thing).

 

All in all we do ok - we are both anti-debt and owe only on our home (and only about half the value of it). We buy mostly good used cars and pay cash. We travel and try to enjoy life.

Edited May 17, 2012 by StaceyinLA

[Roadrunner]

We come from different cultures, completely different religions, education and economic backgrounds (although education and money didn't go hand in hand in our situation). My parents are academics and everybody in our family has at least a masters. His dad was a businessman. Although it appears that we have nothing in common, strangely we have everything (personality and value wise) in common, so no, we have never had any problems or issues because of different backgrounds and we are managing to raise two kids without any disagreements.

[fraidycat]

Everything about our upbringing was different.

 

Socioeconomic: Me - comfortable middle class, some years better than others, him - poor

 

Family Dynamic: My parents will celebrate their 40th anniversary this year, his parents were divorced when he was a toddler - mom got custody, then dropped him and his brother at his Dad's when he was 4 then he didn't see her again until he as a young adult.

 

Location: Me - on a farm near a small city, him - Large-ish city.

 

Once in awhile he'll made snide passive-aggressive type comments on certain things, but I call him on it - there's not a darn thing I can do about how I was raised (not that I'd ever want to, even if I could!). The biggest problem that it seems to create for us is he wants the kids to have "everything" he didn't have, while I try to instill gratefulness and moderation and slow down the acquisition of STUFF, because stuff does not bring happiness.

[JaniceO]

We both grew up about the same. My family was probably a little better off than his (for instance, we bought our clothes at WalMart while his family bought clothes at garage sales/thrift stores).

 

Actually, before my parents got divorced, we did pretty good. Probably upper middle class. DH never experienced that. Once my parents got divorced, we became upper lower class, which is similar to what DH was. Biggest difference is that I was a city girl and he was a country boy. *THAT* causes differences sometimes, but nothing major.

[missmoe]

My dad retired from the military and then worked in a blue collar job, but my mother's family had money. So while we lived frugally, I never ever had a worry about not having enough money. We lived on a small hobby farm. I remember being frustrated that there were things my family wouldn't spend money on--such as name brand clothes or new furniture. I knew the money was there, but we just didn't spend it on things like that. But cash was paid for cars and homes and large purchases like that. I spent time at the theater and doing other cultural things. Extra trips for school things or anything educational were paid for without a second thought.

 

My husband's family immigrated to the US. They came from a wealthy background in the country where they came from, but gave that up to come to the US. So my husband was very poor growing up. He lived in the projects and moved too many times to count. Soon after he left home his parents were able to buy their own home. They struggle though---they want to live the American lifestyle--new cars, nice clothes, trips, ect--but they often go into debt to do so.

 

My husband now makes more money then anyone in his family can even imagine. (It's not something we share with them). We pay cash for things much like my family did. Someday we may receive some of that family money, but to be honest I'm not counting on it--nor do I really want it. I have other family members that could really use it more than us. If we do receive family money, I want to buy a family vacation home where we could all vacation together and all of my family could use it as they see fit.

[curriculumhoarder]

I'm the upper lower class, blue collar kid and dh was the upper middle class white collar kid (both parents with college degrees and dad was an airline captain). Neither of my parents went to college, though my aunt got a degree.

 

However, by the time we got married, we were on a similar level because dh's dad was unemployed for a long time after his airline went bankrupt (Braniff). We didn't start out with much - just a loan from mil for our first house down payment and dh's college loan debt. My college was 100% paid for because I got the money from the house when my dad's mom died (only child of an only child).

 

I am definitely better off now than anyone I knew growing up, but I'm not sure about dh. It's funny, though - the public school were so bad near me that I went to a private (parochial) school while dh went to public school:).

[Ecclecticmum]

He married down.....and my job when I met him wasn't a help either LOL. (although to be fair, I did have a job in Real Estate for 4 years before I met him, the only reason I met him was because I wanted to travel, so got some sort of temp jobs that required less time for more cash in order to be able to have a good travel and sightsee.

 

I'm from what I would count as middle-working class family. I didn't really go without anything, but I didn't get "everything" I wanted, I went to public schools, and my parents rented. I did get money thrown at me, but that was more so I would leave my parents alone (lol, and it worked, they gave me the money, and I would duly disappear for the weekend...I was the accidental late-in-life baby, and no body really had time for me ... boo hoo :tongue_smilie: ;) ) I didn't finish high school (skipped certain years, self-educated the rest of the way (still, unfortunately need to work on certain areas that school completely skipped (history, and grammar, so apologies for any mistakes :) )

 

DH grew up a lot differently. To start with he grew up in a foreign country, where his dad had a good position, his mum stayed home, and they had a full-time housekeeper. He told me he never (up until he met me when he was 25) had to clean his room, and his parents preferred he stay with them rather than move out. Anyhoo, he went to a prestigious private school. When they went back home to his birth country, I believe he went to another private school, his father had a very high job in the council, and his mother took on charity work, they also loved (and his parents still do) in a very affluent area, the mere mention of which, to anyone, automatically makes people think "rich" lol. He went to an okay university, and has a highly technical job of which I still don't understand :lol: .

 

We have our ups and downs, there are certain things that do cause us to argue, that are due to our different upbringings (the mess he makes, but doesn't see, the fact he has ....literally....no idea how to clean up a mess) certain other ideals he seems to have in his head. But at the end of the day throughout the bumps in the road (and some of them were massive potholes we have fallen down and at times we have become a thread away from separating) we love each other. The upside of this is when we have these huge rows that go on for a bit, we tend to fall out of love with one another....but something happens and we fall madly back in love with each other and have what would be counted as another "honeymoon period", we're going through this right now....so, IMO, this is a very big upside, whilst some marriages only have a mini honeymoon period, ours is kept quite refreshed. He has qualities that draw me to him, and he loves me so much, that in the end, we always get past our differences and see the amazing qualities we both have that the other doesn't realize.

 

Some marriages can begin to have problems where the person who has had the more affluent upbringing can cause strife. The other person tends to think that person is acting with their ego, or possibly that they think they are always right etc, but most of these cases are just due to misunderstandings.

 

DH is the one person that will back me up in all cases against the world, but also be my anchor. If at any time I feel dumb compared to him, he turns around and tells me how wonderful I am, and how smart. Our nightly discussions are filled with facts and events, some of which he understands, and I don't, and apparently a lot of which he doesn't understand. He believes I can do anything I set my mind to. We complement each other. :001_wub:

[tex-mex]

Totally different socioeconomic backgrounds, culture, religion, and views on politics and life. ;) We're about to celebrate 25 years of marriage in June!

 

I grew up poor as a churchmouse living on welfare. Hubby was from a blue blood WASP country club background. His grandparents were rich with butlers and mansions. His dad was expected to be a doctor like everyone else in the family, but decided to go into music and he got a one-hit record that made him richer than his parents.

 

I have always been suspicious of rich people. Hubby on the other hand tends to think big and desires to live large $$$ in a McMansion, which makes me uncomfortable. I'd be happier living in a Yurt and off the grid. LOL :D

Edited May 22, 2012 by tex-mex

[swellmomma]

I married down. It did cause major problems due to different mindsets. He grew up with a mom that refused to work, abused the welfare system etc. I grew up with parents who did all they could to earn what they have. Both of us started out poor as young kids, but he stayed that way, and I didn't due to parental choices and how we were raised. He was always looking for a handout, I was always pushing him to work (I couldn't as we had a premature newborn at home and I was pregnant again with a high risk pregnancy).

 

I don't care if we stayed poor forever it was his gimme gimme mentality that caused the issue more than just his socioeconomic status growing up.