Audrey Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I have a relative -- let's call him F. -- and it is his birthday today. He's older and I know that his other relatives aren't going to be dropping by or giving cards because F is... well, a big downer. I am this close to not giving him the card I bought because I just don't want to face handing it to him, knowing that there will be a long litany of complaints and death talk (he's always on death's door -- he says). Relatively speaking, he's not that bad off. His real health issues are age related and being managed well. I just don't have the energy today to deal with an emotional vampire. I want to just skip the card, avoid F. entirely and become one of the rest of the relatives who never give cards. I know that's bad of me, but how bad is it in the Hive's opinion? :blushing: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 If it's bad, then I am guilty as well. Sometimes when having to face someone I don't want an extended conversation with, I prearrange an interruption. Kids are great for that, as are timers and alarms on phones.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Is it too late to send a card by mail? Or to make it appear as if your card arrived in the mail? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Can you stick the card in his mailbox and run away? :D I'd probably still go and give him the card, but immediately say that you can only stay a minute because you have to drive a friend to the doctor or something. Make sure you let him know that it's someone else's appointment and they can't be late for it, or else you'll end up staying a lot longer than you want to. (Have you considered that he might be a real vampire? Stay outside in the sunlight and maybe he won't be able to follow you out there to keep chatting.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) Too bad you missed the mailing deadline. Could you sneak it to him or have your child deliver it, while you wait in the car? I don't think it's bad to feel that way; some people suck the life out of you, because they just can't help it. Edited May 14, 2012 by Tammyla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 So why didn't you just mail it? Is it because you didn't realize ahead of time that you wouldn't feel up to facing him today? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Drop it off, but make sure you stay outside. Just a quick, 'gotta go, the kids are in the car, but was thinking of you' and bolt off ASAP. Do NOT ask any questions....not even "how are you today". Speak in kind, but short sentences and don't let him get a word in. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Can you stick the card in his mailbox and run away? :D I'd probably still go and give him the card, but immediately say that you can only stay a minute because you have to drive a friend to the doctor or something. Make sure you let him know that it's someone else's appointment and they can't be late for it, or else you'll end up staying a lot longer than you want to. (Have you considered that he might be a real vampire? Stay outside in the sunlight and maybe he won't be able to follow you out there to keep chatting.) Drop it off, but make sure you stay outside. Just a quick, 'gotta go, the kids are in the car, but was thinking of you' and bolt off ASAP. Do NOT ask any questions....not even "how are you today". Speak in kind, but short sentences and don't let him get a word in. :D Yep...drop and run. Happy Birthday. Gotta run.....:auto: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I'd go see him, endure the complaining, give him a hug and try to remember that I'm not perfect either. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Ya know, dh's grandmother was like that. Always talking about dying, and how this would be her last "whatever". Dh said he finally got tired of hearing it and finally told her "then why don't you hurry up and die already!" and she quit saying it. IDK whether that story is true or not, seeing as how dh is so non-confrontational, but it does sound like something I would do. :D I agree w/ Bill. Put a bright spot in this person's life/day. Then go buy yourself some chocolate. You deserve it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairyMom Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I have a relative -- let's call him F. -- and it is his birthday today. He's older and I know that his other relatives aren't going to be dropping by or giving cards because F is... well, a big downer. I am this close to not giving him the card I bought because I just don't want to face handing it to him, knowing that there will be a long litany of complaints and death talk (he's always on death's door -- he says). Relatively speaking, he's not that bad off. His real health issues are age related and being managed well. I just don't have the energy today to deal with an emotional vampire. I want to just skip the card, avoid F. entirely and become one of the rest of the relatives who never give cards. I know that's bad of me, but how bad is it in the Hive's opinion? :blushing: I understand! :grouphug: I'd go see him, endure the complaining, give him a hug and try to remember that I'm not perfect either. Bill :iagree: .... but I would give yourself an exit. Go by there right before dinner needs to be on the table, or something of that nature. Maybe let him know you cannot stay, but you wanted to make sure he got this on his birthday and leave. Good Luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onceuponatime Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Ya know, dh's grandmother was like that. Always talking about dying, and how this would be her last "whatever". Dh said he finally got tired of hearing it and finally told her "then why don't you hurry up and die already!" and she quit saying it. IDK whether that story is true or not, seeing as how dh is so non-confrontational, but it does sound like something I would do. :D I agree w/ Bill. Put a bright spot in this person's life/day. Then go buy yourself some chocolate. You deserve it! I did this to dh. He was driving me crazy when he was around 30 and kept talking about his death. He also never mentioned it again. dh is very considerate, I don't think he realized the affect of his whining until I took a stand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misidawnrn Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I will join the guilty party with you. I called my mom for mother's day yesterday and was very happy to only get the answering machine. (it is one of 2 days I call her out of obligation...the other is her birthday....long story) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomemom Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I'd go see him, endure the complaining, give him a hug and try to remember that I'm not perfect either. Bill :iagree: Bill, the world may be coming to an end. For once I completely agree with you!! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 So why didn't you just mail it? Is it because you didn't realize ahead of time that you wouldn't feel up to facing him today? We live in the same town (well, me on the farm, him in town), and I thought it would look worse if I mailed it since I have to go in to town every day anyway and town is tiny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 I'd go see him, endure the complaining, give him a hug and try to remember that I'm not perfect either. Bill This is what I am going to do in about half an hour. We're going to take him out for supper because I am such a weak-willed sucker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 This is what I am going to do in about half an hour. We're going to take him out for supper because I am such a weak-willed sucker. The world is a better place for the existence of weak-willed suckers ;) :D Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairyMom Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 This is what I am going to do in about half an hour. We're going to take him out for supper because I am such a weak-willed sucker. :grouphug: Audrey, I think you are more and more amazing every day!! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyMama Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 I understand! :grouphug: :iagree: .... but I would give yourself an exit. Go by there right before dinner needs to be on the table, or something of that nature. Maybe let him know you cannot stay, but you wanted to make sure he got this on his birthday and leave. Good Luck! I am evil and passive-aggressive and non-confrontational... and guilt-ridden... So I set an alarm on my phone, using a tone that sounds like a phone call, and have it go off about five minutes after I expect to get there. Then I "answer" it, and "have to take this call." It''s not something I'm proud of, but you won't tell on me, right?! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 (edited) nm Edited May 17, 2012 by annandatje Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 We live in the same town (well, me on the farm, him in town), and I thought it would look worse if I mailed it since I have to go in to town every day anyway and town is tiny. Take your cell phone and have a pre-arranged call if you need to get out of there. Has anyone ever told him he is a downer? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 (edited) nm Edited May 17, 2012 by annandatje Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted May 15, 2012 Author Share Posted May 15, 2012 Take your cell phone and have a pre-arranged call if you need to get out of there. Has anyone ever told him he is a downer? Yes. He takes it as a badge of honour. :glare: On the bright side, dinner was blissfully short and my dh and ds being there helped to diffuse most of the doom-and-gloom talk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 I told my F that she was a downer. It did not end well, and two and one half years later, she still holds a grudge, makes snide comments, twisted what I said, attributes evil intent to my words, etc. There was one comment you made sometime ago that helped me immensely: the less energy - positive or negative - that you can give someone like that, the better. The technical term is "low expressed emotion". I got the feeling Audrey's F was too low energy to get paranoid about it. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate in Arabia Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 Take your cell phone and have a pre-arranged call if you need to get out of there. I know this person probably wouldn't get it, but dh and I once were roped into helping this guy with a matchmaking effort/blind date and he (the guy) had clearly arranged such a thing. It was so obvious to me, and I felt really bad for the girl (and really disliked the guy after that). It completely soured me on using that technique, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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