crowded settings and medically fragile children

[AimeeM]

My other post on discipline got me thinking a bit (I'm a bit chattier than usual; chalk it up to pregnancy hormones, lol).

 

Our 3 year old is medically fragile. He was born with a lung disorder that dictated a certain level of necessity to isolate him from others for the first 2 1/2 years of his life. Only now, being a year post-op from his lung surgery, is he really "allowed" any social experiences. Co-ops, playdates, indoor group settings, etc.

 

I would love the hives opinion on how to handle the social etiquette issues that are obviously coming up, since entering my son into the world of his peers.

 

The last time I attempted a group setting with him (co-op gym class), I was embarrassed. Not only were these children so far ahead of my child physically (because of his disorder, he is the average size of an 18 month old, at 3 years old), but he also has an intense fear of adults he doesn't know and has NEVER really been around children his own age. He clung to me instead of listening to the coach, he pointed to other children and said "mommy what is that?", etc. He cries and throws tantrums in the stores, not because he is spoiled or undisciplined, but because he is scared to be around so many people he doesn't know.

I get looks. They think he's just a spoiled brat. What they do not understand is that what their own children have been learning since birth and comes as second nature to them (how to share, how to be polite, how to trust, etc) are all things my son is having to LEARN at 3, for the first time.

 

I constantly feel that I am having to explain my situation and it's wearing on me. I haven't wanted to attend a group setting or co-op activity in months because of.

 

Maybe this is just me thinking out loud - or maybe I want to know what YOU think I should do. Do I keep pushing on with it, not explaining his background to others, or do I keep away as I have been, so my son isn't put in an uncomfortable situation where the adults are looking at him as a spoiled brat... or do immediately explain the situation to everyone, so that they aren't taken aback by my son's lack of social graces...

[Whereneverever]

I don't think people need all the details. It's not their business and as he grows he may not want people having all his details. I do think if it helps it's fine to tell people he has special needs. It's what I do.

 

People will either understand, or not. I hope it gets easier for both of you! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Starr]

I wouldn't put him in a class until he gets more comfortable around these situations. I would take him out and about with you but not for too long of a stretch for a while. Soon enough he'll be ready. He's only 3. Places you go regularly you could let some other moms know his history.

[Ellie]

I wouldn't put him in a class until he gets more comfortable around these situations. I would take him out and about with you but not for too long of a stretch for a while. Soon enough he'll be ready. He's only 3. Places you go regularly you could let some other moms know his history.

:iagree:

[nova147]

Can you try smaller group settings? Maybe only 2 or 3 kids, at first. Or maybe younger children. He's small and has fewer social skills than other 3 year olds, so maybe a group of 2s would be a better fit for now.

 

Try not to stress too much. People aren't judging you as much as you think . . . they are too busy thinking about you judging them!

[AK_Mom4]

Fear of strange adults for your son is very sensible - most of the "strangers" he has encountered so far have done things that hurt him or made him uncomfortable. DD11 was the same way at that age - due to some medical issues, she had multiple intense hospital and doctor visits and anyone who even LOOKED at her could trigger a crying jag or outright flight. I don't think she had even been around any children other than her siblings and a very few of their friends - certainly none her age.

 

But we got through it. I let her hide behind me and watch the other children when she started Sunday school at age four. We went to McDonald's playland and the temptation of the slide finally lured her out of hiding. When she would get overwhelmed, we would leave or step out to let her regroup for awhile. It took time, but it was well worth it. If people asked, I would just smile and say that she was a little "shy" - that was generally enough explanation for most folks.

 

:grouphug:

[LillyMama]

I wouldn't put him in a class until he gets more comfortable around these situations. I would take him out and about with you but not for too long of a stretch for a while. Soon enough he'll be ready. He's only 3. Places you go regularly you could let some other moms know his history.

 

:iagree:

 

My son didn't have any of your son's history and was still easily overwhelmed in large crowds and new people. He's a super cautious kid who just does things later than his friends. I'd say just since his sixth birthday has he come out of his shell and started to enjoy people. I didn't have a story or excuse to tell, but I did quickly figure out what moms I like- those that accept my kids and their struggles, whatever they may be, for whatever reason. And I never bothered to try to be friends with the rest of them, it would just take more time and energy than I cared to spend.

 

Don't make excuses for your son, especially if he's near, he'll soon be old enough to understand the implication that something is WRONG with him. And nothing is, he's just learning new things at different times. I've always tried to say things like, "Yes, J hasn't really gotten into swimming yet, but when he's ready, I'm sure he'll decide if he likes it or not." Matter of fact, moving on. My son is very self-aware and confident in his differences. I've heard him tell his little guy friends, "Yeah, I was scared learning on my bike, I wouldn't let my dad take off my training wheels until I was six. Guess I just was more scared than you were if you did it at 3." And he goes about his day. Sure, sometimes he's challenged by peer pressure, but, so far, he's not damaged by it. I found it much more worth my time to make sure he's okay with who he is than worrying about if other people are okay with who he is.

 

I know, easier said than done. :D

[Murphy101]

Is it possible for you to sorta vet people first and then invite them over to your home for a playdate?

 

For example, you meet someone that seems reasonably nice, explain the situation after you have chatted with them a couple times, then invite them over? I'd be open to that if you approached me. I'd even leave most of mine at home so as to not over whelm him with our crowd.:lurk5:

 

I wouldn't put him in a class. That's too stressful. It needs to be something just for fun and relaxed. The weather is beautiful for going to the park and meeting other children there. Or the zoo. Or the pool. Smaller group, it's as brief or as long as you want, and there's no pressure to make a connection.

 

:grouphug:

[Guest submarines]

I wouldn't put him in a class until he gets more comfortable around these situations. I would take him out and about with you but not for too long of a stretch for a while. Soon enough he'll be ready. He's only 3. Places you go regularly you could let some other moms know his history.

 

:iagree:None of my children would've liked to take class at 3.

[MomatHWTK]

My son wore a medic alert bracelet, observant people will get that visual clue.

 

I have not found organized mom/kid groups to be very welcoming or a good fit for us. In some groups, my child just couldn't conform to the behavior they expected and there were a lot of looks. People didn't want their kids picking up bad habits from mine. In another group that was made up of kids who got "the looks" elsewhere, I was the one who felt like giving the looks! I didn't feel like the parents were staying on top of things and trying to teach their kids. I wanted a place where my child could experience interaction and develop the necessary skills and with children who don't come by that naturally you have to stay active in guiding them (IMO). So we kind of ended up going our own way.

 

Take advantage of the fact that your DS is small. Now is the time to take him out to places where he can have limited social interaction and get used to it- before he looks his age. We started with trips to the store, getting used to the sales clerks and other people there. Small churches- not in the kids' group, just around the adults. We went to the zoo or the local park during the day or other places where there would be a few young kids but not hordes- i.e. go to the library but not for story time (yet). Yard sales were a good place for us. There's usually an adult hanging out in the middle of the day willing to make small talk and lots of little toys that the kids could look through.

 

Go ahead and pre-brief your child about what to expect as you go along. If you walk into the library and see an activity or something going on, pull him aside and explain to him right then what is it. Then, let him watch from a distance while you guys do your own thing. Take small steps and build up his reserve of knowledge.

 

 

My son needed to just walk along the edge of the water for quite awhile before getting his feet wet. And... he still doesn't swim like anyone else. ;)

Edited May 14, 2012 by MomatHWTK

[HomeschoolMum]

You are describing how my son looked and behaved when we adopted him from a Russian orphange...he too was so sacred of other adults and was terrified in shops and malls etc and was very tiny for his age.He had heart problems and so had been sickly and was very delayed developmentally. My advice is to do these things SLOWLY with him and give him time to get used to them. IF you want to explain to people do so ,if not don't.

 

At least you have the advantage he knows and is bonded to you,my son had to learn this as well as English!!LOL!

[JFSinIL]

If he looks like a younger child - do not expose him to kids his chronological age, but look for small play groups of 18-month olds. Keep it simple - carry him through stores, spend a small amount of time there or at the zoo, etc., and let him slowly get used to the big, wide, noisy world. He has had to miss that stage of being out and about during baby/toddler hood, right?

 

The small class size of a developmental preschool (not now, but maybe in the fall) might be helpful, too (three of my four went to one through our school district. One of those is now an Honors Chem. major in college.)

 

Slow and steady. Just because his lungs may be ready for more of the world doesn't mean the rest of him will be....yet.

[Murmer]

I do think if you are doing something that is a class like/organized playgroup thing it might be best to explain to the leader (not all the other moms) the situation and what would work best with your child. My child has special needs and doesn't handle when other people talk to her, when we do things like sports (so far all mommy and me stuff) I tell the coaches that I will be the one to communicate the expectations with my daughter (after they are done explaining) and correcting her...if they have something to say to her they need to go through me...the soccer coach who did this had a BRILLIANT season with her, the sports coach who did not caused a complete meltdown and resulted in me having to remove her before the end of the first lesson. By letting the leaders know you are giving the ability to create accommodations that will help your son...but you do not need to tell every other mother in sight, its not their business.

[Mama Geek]

My dd hasn't had problems, but I have had her in a few kindermusik classes. In particular if you could find a small class with a couple of mothers, a few kids, and an understanding leader. The leaders are used to kids at different stages and sometimes you are the one struggling and sometimes the others mom's and kids are struggling. Some of the teachers would probably be flexible on what age group you could be with. It is just something to consider. My dd has become comfortable enough with the other moms by the end of a 15 week class to go and sit in their lap.

[fairfarmhand]

I'd find a family to come over to my house. This way he can get his feet wet so to speak with strange folks before being in a busy setting. You know the scary day care setting on Toy Story 3 with kids running all over the place and acting crazy? That is probably how it feels to him.

[Mommyof4ks]

We were in a similar situation with my youngest. He had cancer, and because a cold could be the end of him we stayed home for nearly a year until his body got a bit stronger. He was easily overwhelmed by people and activity despite spending a great deal of time at the hospital and clinic. We started out by running one errand at a time every day to get hi. Used to being with people. I did take him to co-op, but he stayed with me and though he clung to me I just did my job with him attached lol. Our situation was different in that most people knew us and they knew my son's issues. I was open about it, and people were accepting. I know a lot of people say it is no one's business, but honestly people were very kind when they knew what was going on and they helped me out by bribing him to talk to them. :001_smile: They would show him a fun toy or put a puzzle together with him, and he slowly started to trust people not to hurt him the way the doctors and nurses did. He also learned that he could use his words and people would listen. Doctors hurt him even when he screamed and threw a fit, and he had trouble trusting that other adults would respect his simple no answer.

 

It will get better, just keep trying slowly. I do not recommend giving up, because it will only get harder as he gets older. :grouphug:

[prairiewindmomma]

We kept our family home for a year when our daughter had cancer. Our younger children had to adjust to being in larger social situations as well.

 

Start with 1:1 playdates. Work up to going to a park with a few children in it. Try library storytime (where you are with him and it's only 30 minutes long) next.

 

Jumping to a class situation is hard. My current (normal background) three year old still isn't happy in crowded group settings.... She hates the noise and chaos of badly behaved preschoolers.

[rieshy]

I think you've been given really great advice.

 

After every hospitalization my now 6 yo always has a social setback- so we've been up and down this roller-coaster many, many times.

 

I just thought I'd add that you may be just as stressed and fearful of larger social settings as your son is. After all, you've been out of the mainstream momma groups for a while now too. It can be really really emotional to get back in the swing around moms who don't have a clue what you have been going through.

 

Take it slow, for both of you. And I agree with one of the other posters that stated that a majority of other moms are too concerned with training their own children to spend much time being overly judgmental.

 

Like everyone else stated, start small and gentle- but do start. Waiting will just make it harder.