A birth plan WWYD?

[EmmaNZ]

I am 28 weeks pregnant. Things are pretty unsettled. I don't know how to plan for when the baby arrives - who will look after mt other children when I go into labour???

 

Last year we moved here from across the world. I have made 1 good friend I trust with my 4 children (ages 7, 6, 4, 2). Around the middle of July, about 3 weeks before my due date, we need to move house again. My good friend will then be about 40 minutes drive away.

 

My mum lives 3-4 hours drive away. She works and will need to book leave to come stay with us. My husband say it is silly to ask her to come because we cannot be sure the baby will arrive when she is with us. He will be on paternity leave for a couple of weeks, and says my mum should come when he goes back to work. I can see his point, but it doesn't solve the problem of childbirth in labour.

 

Husband wants HIS mum to come and stay. She does not work and can come pretty much as and when. She is not close though and would need to stay a few weeks so that we can be sure she will be there when she is needed. In the past this is what we have done. However, I find it stressful living for weeks with my MIL. She is kind, but we are not close. Do I just have to suck it up (again) for the peace of the world?

 

So what should we do? I think in an ideal world I would plan a homebirth and pray the baby comes in the middle of the night so nobody is disturbed! My husband is ADAMANTLY against a homebirth. I can't stress that enough.

 

Thanks for your thoughts

[garddwr]

It sounds to me like MIL is your best bet, but maybe you don't need to plan for her to be there for so long. Have your other children come in close proximity to your due date? If so I would ask MIL to come just a couple of days before the earliest one of your other children was born. Do you know anyone at all who could agree to be a "backup" just in case baby comes before you expect? If your friend who is 40 minutes away would be willing to help you may just need someone for a short time until she could come take over. When my last baby was born I had a neighbor who we were not especially close to but knew well enough to trust to come over just in case I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night. I had other friends who could take my children during the day.

 

I understand how stressful this is--I am in a similar situation right now with baby 5 due in August. We moved just over a year ago so I don't have a strong established friend network, and the friends I do have are other moms with several young children who can hardly leave their families in the middle of the night to come take care of mine. Neither my mother nor mother in law is nearby (both thousands of miles away) nor can they come help. I have asked my husband's niece to come stay with us for a couple of weeks she has off from university that just happen to fall around my due date. Hopefully that will work out and baby will make a well-timed arrival. If not I plan to talk to some women from church and see if there is someone who can be my back-up help. In situations like this I really, really envy those who live near family!

[beaners]

Add me to the club. We are still unpacking and I'm due in July. All of our family is at least a 9 hour drive. My husband does have a friend who lives about 40 minutes away, and other than his family and my husband's coworkers, we know no one.

 

If I had the MIL option, I'd be unhappy but I'd take it. I dislike that feeling of having someone in my home that I'm not comfortable with too. Whew and my MIL and I are at odds a bit right now too, so that would make it even more awkward.

 

We had my sister drive down for a week with my last pregnancy, but I didn't go into labor until after she left. We had to cobble together different shifts of people stopping by our house until my in-laws drove in. They had said they could come at a moment's notice, but ended up delaying by an entire day. :glare:

[wapiti]

I understand the stress. Personally, I'd go with the friend 40 minutes away. She should be prepared to get a call in the middle of the night.

 

For the most part, we had babysitters who understood the situation and were "on call." The first time I delivered when I already had another baby, we had a nanny (I was on bedrest with twins). Still, it took a long time - over an hour of calling - for her to wake up enough to hear the phone in the middle of the night. The next time, we were in a different state. I don't remember what I did for baby #4.

 

For baby #5, I basically predicted that I would go into labor, and had the babysitter stay overnight so that we could leave whenever we needed to. Of course, I was wrong! She lived close by - a trusted teenager who had done a great deal of babysitting for us. Two nights later, when I did actually start labor, she didn't pick up her mobile phone at 1 am, so we had to call the house phone, i.e., wake up her mom. It's a good thing she was close by (I went into labor around midnight, went to the hospital at 2 am, had the baby at 4 am).

 

For #6, she was out of town with her family, naturally, so once again I was dealing with this issue of finding someone. I found a new babysitter to help me out for a few weeks around the time I might deliver. At least I went into labor during the daytime for once :), though I didn't know whether labor had officially started (I couldn't wait until the contractions were 5 min apart or that would be too late for me) or when I'd want to go to the hospital, and so I told her to go to her grad school class. Finally, I decided rather suddenly when I wanted to go in, while she was still gone at her class. So, DH loaded the kids into the car and dropped me off out front of the hospital and then swung by the drive-thru to get the kids dinner before going home to wait for the babysitter (this was funny because I can hardly walk at all during labor; ok it's funny in retrospect anyway - I showed up at the front desk of the hospital by myself. The doc was not happy that my husband wasn't with me; she said she didn't want to touch me until my husband got there, because the baby would "come flying out").

[Remudamom]

I think you should be thankful you have a kind mil who is willing to come and help. Maybe this is a chance for you two to get close. At the very least you need help and she is willing.

[celticmom]

Since part of the problem is your dh's opposition to homebirth, I would make him come up with a solution other than MIL. His stubborness, his stress. If he cannot come up with a solution that you are completely comfortable with then he can just adjust to the idea of a homebirth.

[EmmaNZ]

Thanks so much for your thoughts and advice ladies. It does help to get an outside perspective on this.

 

I am swinging wildly between Remudamom's thoughts and Celticmom's. In my more aggressive moods I feel like this is MY body, MY labour, MY peace, MY home. But obviously that is not really the case. I do not live in a vacuum and there are other feelings that need to be considered. But gosh, it's so tiring being a good girl all the time!

[LittleIzumi]

Do you know why he's against homebirths? Generally, most people who are against home births don't know that much about them--think they're very dangerous or some such (which, per multiple very large studies, is not true AT ALL). Hubby was very against them for #2, but #3 was a homebirth with his full support.

[kalanamak]

 

Thanks for your thoughts

 

Is there a father or FIL on the scene? Can one of these grandpas pinch hit until your mother or friend can get there?

[LMD]

can you hire a babysitter? If you ring and speak to a doula they might be able to recommend someone/something. Do you attend a church? I know there's always people clamouring to offer to babysit. Can you organise your good friend, mother and MIL to come and stay a week each - surely you'll go into labour during one of their visits?

 

Or compromise with DH and say you'll have a hospital birth, but with an independent midwife as your birth partner and HE can stay home with the kids?!

[BlueTaelon]

Since part of the problem is your dh's opposition to homebirth, I would make him come up with a solution other than MIL. His stubborness, his stress. If he cannot come up with a solution that you are completely comfortable with then he can just adjust to the idea of a homebirth.

 

Lol, ITA! Homebirth in a normal pregnancy is much safer then a hospital birth. Both my kids were hospital births (emergency c/s, I had severe pre e and HELLP syndrome with #1 and #2 kept going into distress and was born with health issues, no pit or interventions until I agreed we needed her born now) anyway, I think healthy women with healthy baby's who chose to give birth in a hospital are nuts lol, no way would I inflict that experience on any birthing women if not needed. The vast majority of the time people object to home birth is due to lack of knowledge, educate him, forcefully if needed but if that's what you want make him realize it's the cheaper/safer option if all is well and if not you just transport to hospital.

[lmrich]

We had new neighbors - the wife went into labor early and had no one to watch the two year old. We had met briefly and she sent her husband to our house (I was 12) to ask if we could help. Of course we did. She ended up having surprise twins and he was wheeled with a heart pain.

 

I would have grandma come close to when the other babies arrived and go meet your neighbors ASAP.

[Desert Strawberry]

I have not read the other replies.

 

For my last birth, I hired a doula to come to the hospital with me. My husband stayed with the kids. They came to visit a couple of times during my induction and he and the kids came immediately after the birth. The doula called to let him know it was almost time and again as soon as baby was out. They had to wait in the hall while I got cleaned up.

 

It was by far my best birth in spite of complications. My boys were so happy to be there for parts of it instead of being sent to stay with grandma. It was easier on my husband. My Dr. My nurse, and my 2 doulas were such amazing supports. It could not have been better. I did not have to miss my kids, or worry about them or feel guilty about excluding them. Dh and the kids did not have to be there for the stressful parts. It was just better all around.

 

Would it be possible to hire a birth attendant and leave the kids with your husband? If the hospital is too far to go back and forth, he could keep them in the waiting room and let them wander about downstairs, eat in the cafeteria and such. They could sleep until tho gs get going and then come hang out. It would be a super fun experience for them.

 

My baby just turned one. My oldesr still loves to talk about his birth and how great it was to be there.

[staceyobu]

Since part of the problem is your dh's opposition to homebirth, I would make him come up with a solution other than MIL. His stubborness, his stress. If he cannot come up with a solution that you are completely comfortable with then he can just adjust to the idea of a homebirth.

 

I feel like the homebirth is sort of a seperate issue, though. Aren't you going to still need a plan for childcare if you need to transfer?

[Kirch]

I feel like the homebirth is sort of a seperate issue, though. Aren't you going to still need a plan for childcare if you need to transfer?

 

That's exactly what I was going to say. You don't want to be trying to figure out what to do with your kids in the middle of an emergency situation.

[Danestress]

Homebirth is a great option, but in my opinion, if you force dh's hand and he is not comfortable with it, you will have stress one way or another. You seem like maybe you have a pleaser personalty, and probably won't end up happy of you take a 'my way or the highway' approach with DH.

 

I think if your DH and the kids do well with mil you should consider that good enough. They need to be cOmfortable while you are away. If granny is good with them, I would go with that!

Edited May 14, 2012 by Danestress

[staceyobu]

Another thought... if you are 28 weeks now, you still have some time to find a babysitter and make new friends. I don't think 40 minutes away is too far for someone to come unless you have a history of fast labors. However, you may need more than one friend lined up in case something goes wrong with the first friend (she's sick, doesn't answer her phone, etc.).

[phathui5]

However, I find it stressful living for weeks with my MIL. She is kind, but we are not close. Do I just have to suck it up (again) for the peace of the world?

 

 

No, I would not recommend having someone who stresses you out come stay with you at the end of your pregnancy.

[LillyMama]

Leave your husband at home with the kids, and have some nice peaceful time alone delivering your baby. :tongue_smilie: Oh, what, your husband is useful during L&D? Hmmm...

 

I jest. I have a less-than happy relationship with my MIL, so I don't like her to be around and I certainly wouldn't like it at the end of my pregnancy. But, like another poster said, maybe the next 12 weeks or so you can 1) figure out what exactly is "off" between you two and address it or 2) try to bond with her and make it better. I don't know, if you don't actually fight with her, I think it would be more peaceful for your other kids to get to be in their own home with a family member than 40 minutes away with someone less close. I think pregnancy and L&D can be confusing and scary for kids watching their mommy go through it. If you end up in a long labor, it would be nice for your hubby to get to stay, during and afterward, and not have to rush home tired and stressed to relieve a babysitter.

[Lab1]

Would there be an option to take the kids with you? My best friend came to the hospital for my 3rd just incase something went wrong. My labors are short, but that one ended up being the longest and best. For #4 the plan was the same, but she was 7 months pg herself and and having complications. We called my inlaws and they drove up. Arrived just as I started pushing. They took my 16 month old for a walk. I'm glad they came, but then they stuck around in my room visiting. I just wanted my peace and a nap!

[Melissa in Australia]

I think you should be thankful you have a kind mil who is willing to come and help. Maybe this is a chance for you two to get close. At the very least you need help and she is willing.

:iagree::iagree:

[tex-mex]

I think you should be thankful you have a kind mil who is willing to come and help. Maybe this is a chance for you two to get close. At the very least you need help and she is willing.

:iagree:

 

Let MIL be in charge of the laundry, cleaning and meals. Have her do some freezer meals for when she is gone.

[Sara in AZ]

No, I would not recommend having someone who stresses you out come stay with you at the end of your pregnancy.

 

:iagree:

 

I also agree with what you said that this is your body, your birth, you want your peace.

 

DH and I spent the first 30 weeks of my last pregnancy disagreeing about our birth plan. I really, really, really, really wanted a homebirth for many reasons. Two main reasons were that I wanted the children to be at the birth and that our oldest daughter is diabetic and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her in the care of anyone else that we know. There are too many what ifs there for my comfort. I understood DH's concerns....we'd had some kind of extenuating circumstance with every pregnancy/birth to that point.

 

But we finally compromised (I saw hospital midwives for all the prenatal care until we were past the point where we'd had problems before. Then transferred to homebirth midwife for the birth.) The birth was amazing, fast and during the middle of the night, so the kids weren't even disturbed. DH was able to take care of diabetic daughter during labor. I loved being at home.

 

I'm not advocating homebirth if your DH is totally opposed....but I do feel that a compromise can be reached and that you, who are doing the laboring here, deserve to have the peace that you desire and to feel comfortable with the arrangements. I like the idea of hiring a doula and leaving DH at home.

 

This is long, but one more quick tidbit....for my 3rd birth our plan was to leave our older two with my in-laws. I was really uncomfortable with this, but didn't really have a great alternative. On my due date I went in for a routine check, was dilated a little, and ended up having my membrains stripped (without my consent) and started contracting. While pacing the hospital waiting to see if things took off I talked to DH who was at home with his parents who were having difficulties even figuring out how to turn on the stove to cook a frozen pizza. This was too much for me. Contractions stopped, dilation reversed (literally, a recheck showed nothing) and went home. Baby came four days later after my dear and trusted sister arrived in town just in time to stay with the kids.

 

I hope you are able to find the right solution for your situation. I wish you peace and the best birth possible!

[Susan C.]

Years ago, I met a new neighbor who was pregnant (3 months ahead of me). Her husband was a pilot. She was worried about going into labor while he was gone, and what she would do with her two little ones. I offered my phone number for her to call, and said I would come over, even if it was in the middle of the night. Sure enough, she went into labor while her dh was gone, and in the middle of the night. One neighbor took her to the hospital while I stayed (slept) at her house. You should have seen the boys' faces when they woke up to me! (And her dh made it to the hospital just in time!)

 

All of this to say that we didn't know each other very well at the time, but could tell we could trust each other with our kids in a pinch.

 

Time to take walks in the neighborhood?

[EmmaNZ]

Homebirth is a great option, but in my opinion, if you force dh's hand and he is not comfortable with it, you will have stress one way or another. You seem like maybe you have a pleaser personalty, and probably won't end up happy of you take a 'my way or the highway' approach with DH./QUOTE]

 

This is true. Even if I just choose exactly what I want, it's still not really what I want because he won't be happy! I have to choose between keeping me happy and keeping him happy. I usually choose keeping him happy, but it can be tiring.

 

Another thought... if you are 28 weeks now, you still have some time to find a babysitter and make new friends. I don't think 40 minutes away is too far for someone to come unless you have a history of fast labors. However, you may need more than one friend lined up in case something goes wrong with the first friend (she's sick, doesn't answer her phone, etc.).

 

I have fast labours. My second was born in 50 minutes start to finish. We didn't make it to the hospital and dh delivered her. That is part of my stress I think - unless we have somebody living with us they won't be there on time to help us because the hospital is not nearby. Another reason I would feel happier having a homebirth. Dh is of the mindset that having a homebirth is taking an unnecessary risk, and whilst statistically we know that's not true he won't be persuaded!

 

Thanks again for all the varied and interesting ideas. It just helps to know I'm not the only one I think. Don't you think it's sad that there are so many women living in such overpopulated areas and yet nobody has anybody to help them in difficult situations?