I've created a monster (pre-teen angst)

[dangermom]

My almost 12-yo is a delightful girl--who falls apart at least once a week in a hormone-induced puddle of tears. Yesterday she was in despair over the endless nature of her education, which will just go on and on for years and years and never end. She wants to choose her own things (friends, knitting, crafts, piano, baking, rocketships) and do big stuff!

 

Now, half of me sympathizes. Yes, school does go on for years and years, and she doesn't get to pick all of it (I'm not an unschooler), and we're all looking forward to summer, and I get that feeling of wanting to big stuff and not being able to yet because you're 11.

 

The other half of me is outraged. She has such a great life! She has never had to sit in a boring school for 6+ hours a day and do pointless homework and get bullied. She has music lessons and horseback riding lessons! She has good friends and plenty of time for fun. I just want to yell Put on your big girl panties and suck it up, do you know how most people live?? Which is not a helpful strategy for dealing with a hormonal crying girl. :banghead:

 

I feel like I've given her such a nice life that she has no basis for comparison. I should send her to work construction for a summer or something, but I don't know what to do. (I've given her plenty of historical fiction about children who live in one room in Stalinist Russia, but she still complains about having to share a bedroom with her sister.) She is so used to an unusual amount of freedom and time that she chafes at the slight restrictions she does have. Or am I wrong? I don't even know.

 

I'm not very good at dealing with crying and feelings either, it's very difficult for me and takes a lot of energy. It's exhausting!! When I was a kid, I was bullied a lot at school and reacted by shutting down--we are all introverts anyway in my family and none of us like to have emotional dramas. I never cried. I certainly never broke down and cried all over my mother (oh wait, except once when I railed at the injustice of having to wear glasses for years and years --ack :blushing:). So if I spend, say, half an hour supporting her through a crisis and then anyone complains about anything, I have a hard time holding on to my temper.

 

Help me!

 

And, will it improve when her period starts or am I just doomed to 6 more years of this??

[Mama Anna]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

All I can do is :bigear: With three girls I know my turn's coming. In some ways it's already here . . .

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Mama Anna

[MamaT]

My almost 12-yo is a delightful girl--who falls apart at least once a week in a hormone-induced puddle of tears. Yesterday she was in despair over the endless nature of her education, which will just go on and on for years and years and never end. She wants to choose her own things (friends, knitting, crafts, piano, baking, rocketships) and do big stuff!

 

Now, half of me sympathizes. Yes, school does go on for years and years, and she doesn't get to pick all of it (I'm not an unschooler), and we're all looking forward to summer, and I get that feeling of wanting to big stuff and not being able to yet because you're 11.

 

The other half of me is outraged. She has such a great life! She has never had to sit in a boring school for 6+ hours a day and do pointless homework and get bullied. She has music lessons and horseback riding lessons! She has good friends and plenty of time for fun. I just want to yell Put on your big girl panties and suck it up, do you know how most people live?? Which is not a helpful strategy for dealing with a hormonal crying girl. :banghead:

 

I feel like I've given her such a nice life that she has no basis for comparison. I should send her to work construction for a summer or something, but I don't know what to do. (I've given her plenty of historical fiction about children who live in one room in Stalinist Russia, but she still complains about having to share a bedroom with her sister.) She is so used to an unusual amount of freedom and time that she chafes at the slight restrictions she does have. Or am I wrong? I don't even know.

 

I'm not very good at dealing with crying and feelings either, it's very difficult for me and takes a lot of energy. It's exhausting!! When I was a kid, I was bullied a lot at school and reacted by shutting down--we are all introverts anyway in my family and none of us like to have emotional dramas. I never cried. I certainly never broke down and cried all over my mother (oh wait, except once when I railed at the injustice of having to wear glasses for years and years --ack :blushing:). So if I spend, say, half an hour supporting her through a crisis and then anyone complains about anything, I have a hard time holding on to my temper.

 

Help me!

 

And, will it improve when her period starts or am I just doomed to 6 more years of this??

 

It will improve some, but not go away entirely in my experience. We are sending our 15yo out of the country with a group that will be doing farming and getting livestock going for a village. I'm hoping that will help her put her life in perspective.

 

I also have a 13yo boy and another girl turning 13 this summer. Some days I really consider getting in the car and driving away. :001_smile:

[The Girls' Mom]

Some days I really consider getting in the car and driving away. :001_smile:

 

Gosh, I did that last night. I needed a time out. (and yelling I'm DONE as I headed to the car wasn't my best moment :glare:)

 

No clues about when it ends, but you have my utmost sympathy. :grouphug:

[BakersDozen]

but she still complains about having to share a bedroom with her sister

Hmmm...my dd would find herself without a bedroom for at least one month. She would have a cardboard box for her clothes, all of her other possessions would be packed away, she would sleep on the couch (or the floor if her attitude was really that ungrateful), and maybe she would learn to appreciate a bedroom - even a shared one. ;)

 

She has music lessons and horseback riding lessons! She has good friends and plenty of time for fun.

Again, I would consider pulling my dd from all activities/friends for a good long time (I wouldn't tell her for how long, either). Appreciation for one's circumstances might result when one is deprived of what one takes for granted. Especially if this is the case:

She is so used to an unusual amount of freedom and time that she chafes at the slight restrictions she does have.

 

The drama queen crying thing...ugh. I actually dealt with my oldest dd (who quickly reduced to tears over the smallest things) the same way I deal with my toddlers who are throwing a tantrum (counted quietly while saying "ssshhhh"). When my dd complained about being treated like a baby I simply said, "When you act the part then you get treated as such." It worked (thank goodness) and now I only have to start saying, "One...two..." and she quickly shuts up. I have no patience with such meltdowns and figure I'm doing her future dh a favor by training her now to have self-control.

[JudoMom]

My almost 12-yo is a delightful girl--who falls apart at least once a week in a hormone-induced puddle of tears. Yesterday she was in despair over the endless nature of her education, which will just go on and on for years and years and never end. She wants to choose her own things (friends, knitting, crafts, piano, baking, rocketships) and do big stuff!

 

Now, half of me sympathizes. Yes, school does go on for years and years, and she doesn't get to pick all of it (I'm not an unschooler), and we're all looking forward to summer, and I get that feeling of wanting to big stuff and not being able to yet because you're 11.

 

The other half of me is outraged. She has such a great life! She has never had to sit in a boring school for 6+ hours a day and do pointless homework and get bullied. She has music lessons and horseback riding lessons! She has good friends and plenty of time for fun. I just want to yell Put on your big girl panties and suck it up, do you know how most people live?? Which is not a helpful strategy for dealing with a hormonal crying girl. :banghead:

 

I feel like I've given her such a nice life that she has no basis for comparison. I should send her to work construction for a summer or something, but I don't know what to do. (I've given her plenty of historical fiction about children who live in one room in Stalinist Russia, but she still complains about having to share a bedroom with her sister.) She is so used to an unusual amount of freedom and time that she chafes at the slight restrictions she does have. Or am I wrong? I don't even know.

 

I'm not very good at dealing with crying and feelings either, it's very difficult for me and takes a lot of energy. It's exhausting!! When I was a kid, I was bullied a lot at school and reacted by shutting down--we are all introverts anyway in my family and none of us like to have emotional dramas. I never cried. I certainly never broke down and cried all over my mother (oh wait, except once when I railed at the injustice of having to wear glasses for years and years --ack :blushing:). So if I spend, say, half an hour supporting her through a crisis and then anyone complains about anything, I have a hard time holding on to my temper.

 

Help me!

 

And, will it improve when her period starts or am I just doomed to 6 more years of this??

 

I can't remember if you're a Christian or not, but it might be a good time to go through the book Do Hard Things with her.

[TKDmom]

:bigear:

 

I called up my dh at work a few weeks ago and asked him if we could send our almost 11yo to live with Grandma this summer. Hormonal girls make me a little crazy. My mom used to always talk about the year she lived with her grandmother when she was 13. And I was sent to live with my aunt for a while when I was somewhere around that age....

[Plucky]

Welcome to the club of moms parenting teen girls. Not all teen girls are emotional or hormonal, but if your dd is one then it may not get better any time soon. Read a lot about teenagers, teenage girls. It takes a bunch of practice but you are going to have to give consequences without losing your cool - not easy trust me and yes, it is exhausting. My oldest girl is actually my easiest, but she's a female and knows which buttons of mine to push. LOL

[stansclan89]

And, will it improve when her period starts or am I just doomed to 6 more years of this??

 

It will improve, but not go away (in my experience). dd17 still has a meltdown about once a month. When she starts, I ask her how soon her period is going to start and she realizes that she is probably being unreasonable because of hormones and settles down to rethink the whole thing. She knows she can cry on my shoulder when she feels the need as long as the complaining stops.

 

The drama queen crying thing...ugh. I actually dealt with my oldest dd (who quickly reduced to tears over the smallest things) the same way I deal with my toddlers who are throwing a tantrum (counted quietly while saying "ssshhhh"). When my dd complained about being treated like a baby I simply said, "When you act the part then you get treated as such." It worked (thank goodness) and now I only have to start saying, "One...two..." and she quickly shuts up. I have no patience with such meltdowns and figure I'm doing her future dh a favor by training her now to have self-control.

 

I'm sure this would work. But, me being hormonal and emotional sometimes too, I always thought it would be a bit hypocritical to come down too hard on her ;). Not saying LuvnMySvn is being hypocritical--maybe she doesn't have the hormonal issues. Some people don't.

Edited May 8, 2012 by stansclan89

[dangermom]

Hmmm...my dd would find herself without a bedroom for at least one month. She would have a cardboard box for her clothes, all of her other possessions would be packed away, she would sleep on the couch (or the floor if her attitude was really that ungrateful), and maybe she would learn to appreciate a bedroom - even a shared one. ;)

 

Again, I would consider pulling my dd from all activities/friends for a good long time (I wouldn't tell her for how long, either). Appreciation for one's circumstances might result when one is deprived of what one takes for granted. Especially if this is the case:

 

The drama queen crying thing...ugh. I actually dealt with my oldest dd (who quickly reduced to tears over the smallest things) the same way I deal with my toddlers who are throwing a tantrum (counted quietly while saying "ssshhhh"). When my dd complained about being treated like a baby I simply said, "When you act the part then you get treated as such." It worked (thank goodness) and now I only have to start saying, "One...two..." and she quickly shuts up. I have no patience with such meltdowns and figure I'm doing her future dh a favor by training her now to have self-control.

 

I know of these ideas. I have never thought of them for my own kid, because as I said at first--she's really a delightful kid 97% of the time. She helps around the house, she mows the lawn, she loves baking bread and feeding chickens (that's at grandma's), she does her schoolwork pretty well, and she is grateful. Until she has a hormonal burst of crying. And even then she doesn't scream or yell, she just cries and expresses frustration. And I sympathize with her room woes--it's not a large bedroom and her sister leaves Legos everywhere and really she just wants a little bit of private space--who doesn't at that age? AND once she calms down and re-enters reality, she usually apologizes for over-reacting about whatever it was. So I personally don't think that kind of crackdown is warranted.

 

Riding lessons are ending next week--our charter school pays for them. I don't think we'll be going back, because I want to spend the money other ways next year, and the girls have learned as much as they're going to from this teacher (she doesn't really go much further than the basics, and a friend of mine switched and is happier now, but I don't want to pay for lessons myself).

 

Anyway. I want to be sympathetic and supportive of these crying jags, because I know they're mainly hormonal and she doesn't really enjoy them herself. And I want her to feel like she can talk with me and bring up her problems in hopes that she will continue in future--I worry that if I shut her down, she just won't tell me things. I think I am doing OK; I usually say stuff like "Yes, it's true that your sister leaves Legos around and that is frustrating. What do you think you can do to gain a little privacy?" (She came up with curtains around her bed, which is fine with me, but she has to take the initiative to make the frames. And a Lego area has been established.)

 

I just really, really hate it, and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I do want to give her more opportunities to see/experience hardship, but she's only 11 so it's kind of hard to think of what to do. My church does not do mission trips, and once she is 12 she will have opportunities to do projecty things like 'Hard Things.' She is going to be a counselor at VBS this summer (at an Episcopalian church). Suggestions welcome...

 

 

Oh yeah. Grandma lives 2 miles away and works full-time.

Edited May 8, 2012 by dangermom

[BakersDozen]

Not saying LuvnMySvn is being hypocritical--maybe she doesn't have the hormonal issues. Some people don't.

lol...I don't think I have the hormonal issues I hear a lot of women having yet I can be emotional. I just grew up with a drama queen sister and have an equally drama queen mil; I always wonder if they would behave the way they do (making their dh's and everyone around them quite miserable) had they been dealt with when they were younger. My own mom just yelled at my sister and got angry and emotional herself - quite an ineffective way of handling things. ;)

 

I don't come down hard on my dd for being emotional yet I am quick to deal with it is all. I don't want her thinking it is OK to throw tantrums regardless of hormones.

[Plucky]

I know of these ideas. I have never thought of them for my own kid, because as I said at first--she's really a delightful kid 97% of the time. She helps around the house, she mows the lawn, she loves baking bread and feeding chickens (that's at grandma's), she does her schoolwork pretty well, and she is grateful. Until she has a hormonal burst of crying. And even then she doesn't scream or yell, she just cries and expresses frustration. And I sympathize with her room woes--it's not a large bedroom and her sister leaves Legos everywhere and really she just wants a little bit of private space--who doesn't at that age? AND once she calms down and re-enters reality, she usually apologizes for over-reacting about whatever it was. So I personally don't think that kind of crackdown is warranted.

 

Riding lessons are ending next week--our charter school pays for them. I don't think we'll be going back, because I want to spend the money other ways next year, and the girls have learned as much as they're going to from this teacher (she doesn't really go much further than the basics, and a friend of mine switched and is happier now, but I don't want to pay for lessons myself).

 

Anyway. I want to be sympathetic and supportive of these crying jags, because I know they're mainly hormonal and she doesn't really enjoy them herself. And I want her to feel like she can talk with me and bring up her problems in hopes that she will continue in future--I worry that if I shut her down, she just won't tell me things. I think I am doing OK; I usually say stuff like "Yes, it's true that your sister leaves Legos around and that is frustrating. What do you think you can do to gain a little privacy?" (She came up with curtains around her bed, which is fine with me, but she has to take the initiative to make the frames. And a Lego area has been established.)

 

I just really, really hate it, and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I do want to give her more opportunities to see/experience hardship, but she's only 11 so it's kind of hard to think of what to do. My church does not do mission trips, and once she is 12 she will have opportunities to do projecty things like 'Hard Things.' She is going to be a counselor at VBS this summer (at an Episcopalian church). Suggestions welcome...

 

 

Oh yeah. Grandma lives 2 miles away and works full-time.

 

It sounds like you are doing everything right. After problem solving I would give her a piece of cheese or peanut butter and crackers (protein). If she still feels emotional have her take a rest in her room for 15-30 minutes or take a bath. Some of it is redirection and stop the cycling of emotions. The hormones are real sad to say. It can be a real pain being a girl in puberty.

[dangermom]

Thanks. I usually remember SWB's advice :D and make her take a drink, get a snack, and rest (or maybe shower) if possible. A simple change of venue/distraction often helps a lot.

[AmyontheFarm]

I can't remember if you're a Christian or not, but it might be a good time to go through the book Do Hard Things with her.

 

:iagree:

 

If she's of age she can also join the forum. That goes with the group. The book was a sparking point for my dd's maturity to start to grow. I highly recommend it!

[Night Elf]

My dd14 has crying jags and gets very angry with herself for her uncontrolled feelings. She says she absolutely hates feeling so emotional. I'm still trying to get her to understand that crying is perfectly normal! I'm not talking about screaming tantrums and flying chairs, just feelings of sadness/frustration with tears. Her behavior doesn't change, but she gets very sad and feels like her real life is so far away. She just wants to be grown up. When she does get into one of those moods, I take her out to distract her. We'll grab lunch or Starbucks. We browse the bookstore or Target. We've even driven around with music playing loudly and singing at the top of our voices. On her own, she'll take a long hot shower and pamper herself with spa type stuff.

[5LittleMonkeys]

There is a fine line between being supportive and understanding regarding the emotional ups and downs of a hormonal girl, and enabling habits of whining and self centered attitudes. I have no problem offering a hug and talk when one of my girls is feeling sad or frustrated about something, but as soon as the tone turns to whining or entitlement I'm very quick to explain the error in their thinking.

 

I have finally broken my two oldest of voicing their attitudes of how depraved they are of this or that or of how they feel they are in some way deserving of even more entitilements. I'm not naive enough to think they don't at some times have their little pity parties, but they know better than to bring them to me anymore. It took a lot of patience and non-emotional responses from me. I'm hopeful that the 9 yo was witness to these occurrences often enough that she won't venture down that path in a year or two, at least not to the degree that the older two did.

 

I will say though that my dc know in their hearts how blessed they are, and are typically very forthcoming in expressing their appreciation...just occasionally those nasty hormones wreak havoc on their better sense and it's up to me to remind them to keep those emotions in check.

[fairfarmhand]

There is a fine line between being supportive and understanding regarding the emotional ups and downs of a hormonal girl, and enabling habits of whining and self centered attitudes. I have no problem offering a hug and talk when one of my girls is feeling sad or frustrated about something, but as soon as the tone turns to whining or entitlement I'm very quick to explain the error in their thinking.

 

I have finally broken my two oldest of voicing their attitudes of how depraved they are of this or that or of how they feel they are in some way deserving of even more entitilements. I'm not naive enough to think they don't at some times have their little pity parties, but they know better than to bring them to me anymore. It took a lot of patience and non-emotional responses from me. I'm hopeful that the 9 yo was witness to these occurrences often enough that she won't venture down that path in a year or two, at least not to the degree that the older two did.

 

I will say though that my dc know in their hearts how blessed they are, and are typically very forthcoming in expressing their appreciation...just occasionally those nasty hormones wreak havoc on their better sense and it's up to me to remind them to keep those emotions in check.

:iagree:

[TranquilMind]

Some days I really consider getting in the car and driving away. :001_smile:

 

Will you come pick me up along the way? I want to go too (have a 15 year old here)!:tongue_smilie:

 

I'm packing my bag right now...

[dangermom]

There is a fine line between being supportive and understanding regarding the emotional ups and downs of a hormonal girl, and enabling habits of whining and self centered attitudes. I have no problem offering a hug and talk when one of my girls is feeling sad or frustrated about something, but as soon as the tone turns to whining or entitlement I'm very quick to explain the error in their thinking.

 

 

 

I certainly agree! My big difficulty is being understanding. I find it much easier to cut off the whining.

[Guest submarines]

She's delightful and grateful, studies well and helps out around the house 97% of the time? Let her cry, when she's feeling frustrated. You don't need to say anything, just listen actively and she will know you're there for her. Being emotional and crying is not the end of the world and not something that has to be eradicated either.

[Pink and Green Mom]

I was that girl.

 

And no matter what my mom did or said, or didn't do or didn't say, it was never right. But that was all part of the drama, hormones, angst, or whatever.

 

Looking back on that time, knowing what I know now, if it were me, I would just play right along. Something like "I know! Isn't it awful that school goes on and on and on? " or "it does seem that way, doesn't it?" I would do it in a non-sarcastic way, and then I would extract myself from the situation.

 

I don't know you or your daughter or the relationship between you, but at that age mine was mostly a battle of wills between my mother and I.

[5LittleMonkeys]

I certainly agree! My big difficulty is being understanding. I find it much easier to cut off the whining.

 

Practice the art of listening. When you feel they are truly just needing to vent or talk, just being there, nodding, and an occasional 'I'm sorry your feeling that way' or 'that must very frustrating' can go a long way. Some days, after listening to the three younger dc whine about their various trials and tribulations, I just can't handle anymore sad stories from the older two. That's when I just try to make eye contact while they are talking and give an occasional nod. Trust me, most girls will be perfectly fine with doing all the talking. Once they seem to have exhausted what they want to say I give them a hug and suggest something to re-direct their attention. It's hard sometimes, but it does get easier.

[Gingerbread Mama]

Some days I really consider getting in the car and driving away. :001_smile:

 

Ooh. Me, too. And my *oldest* is just now hitting the teen years. I dread this with my kids in every way imaginable.

 

OP, I'm starting to think a teenager and a toddler aren't far apart emotionally speaking. DS12-almost 13 threw a hissy fit at the store today when I refused to buy action figures. Seriously, stomping off and pouting. I don't think he even had fits like that as a little kid. My 9 and 8 year old don't have a tantrum over having to put a toy back. Every "no" has become his hill to die on. It is tiring. I wanted to run over him with my shopping cart, but some part of me said "Wouldn't that make you the pot calling the kettle black?" LOL

[BakersDozen]

I know of these ideas. I have never thought of them for my own kid, because as I said at first--she's really a delightful kid 97% of the time. She helps around the house, she mows the lawn, she loves baking bread and feeding chickens (that's at grandma's), she does her schoolwork pretty well, and she is grateful. Until she has a hormonal burst of crying. And even then she doesn't scream or yell, she just cries and expresses frustration. And I sympathize with her room woes--it's not a large bedroom and her sister leaves Legos everywhere and really she just wants a little bit of private space--who doesn't at that age? AND once she calms down and re-enters reality, she usually apologizes for over-reacting about whatever it was. So I personally don't think that kind of crackdown is warranted.

 

 

You are right, a crackdown is not warranted. Sorry...reading your original post all I could see was one of my teenagers who is not 97% delightful and is rapidly heading for a crackdown. :glare:

 

And no matter what my mom did or said, or didn't do or didn't say, it was never right. But that was all part of the drama, hormones, angst, or whatever.

 

Looking back on that time, knowing what I know now, if it were me, I would just play right along. Something like "I know! Isn't it awful that school goes on and on and on? " or "it does seem that way, doesn't it?" I would do it in a non-sarcastic way, and then I would extract myself from the situation.

 

I don't know you or your daughter or the relationship between you, but at that age mine was mostly a battle of wills between my mother and I.

This is great advice!

 

OP - I love how you had dd come up with her own idea for privacy (curtains). I'm trying to imagine my older dds in a room with Legos...that wouldn't go over well, lol.

 

I think walking with teenagers through these years is way harder than raising toddlers!

[dangermom]

Oh, toddlers were so easy! :lol: Not that I knew it at the time...

 

Thanks, everybody. I usually do just try to listen and nod and let her go. This one in particular got to me because I was half "Suck it up!" and half "Should we be unschooling? Oh no, I'm failing at homeschooling!" AM I failing at homeschooling??

 

Our relationship is pretty good, I think. She is almost 12 so of course she sometimes has a little bit of attitude (she is still figuring out the difference between being funny and falling over the line into rudely sarcastic) and she has the common sense of an ice cube and she forgets to do her chores because she's busy reading. But she is mostly not horrible on purpose, and she tells me stuff, and I just bought her a razor and shaving cream so she's happy about that (dark hair, about to start summer--sigh, it's time).

 

We don't have mission trips, but once she is 12 she can help serve at the Salvation Army dinners. She wants to save the world, but in her head that's a whole different thing than her own woes! :tongue_smilie:

[Julie in CA]

I certainly agree! My big difficulty is being understanding. I find it much easier to cut off the whining.

Honestly, I don't really allow the whining.

I have a couple of teenage girls, and generally they're wonderful to be around.

 

The hormonal thing--well, I just don't allow them to make other people's lives less pleasant because they're having an off day. They know I understand, and they know I'm sorry that they don't feel well, but I consider it my job to help them get through life successfully. Part of that (obviously, in my opinion) is teaching them to maintain an even keel whenever possible, and when they cannot, then they need to go find some private time on their own *before* they inflict that on other people. I try to emphasize self-care, and awareness with an eye towards prevention, so nutrition, exercise, and maintaining healthy sleep patterns is a focus.

 

The way I look at it, their future boss will not look at them with sympathy and listen to whining, and their families won't enjoy it either. My job is to prepare the girls to be able to deal with it while demonstrating behavior that will be full of grace, you know?

[Lizzie in Ma]

No advice, in the trenches with an 11 year old dd. Some days I try to be reasonable and sympathize, other days it is just my way or the highway kiddo.

She often says the same thing about school and at first I was terribly taken aback and hurt. Now I roll with it. Her older sister never went through that particular angst, not that she didn't have plenty of others.

:grouphug::grouphug: Hang in there. It is most likely neither you nor what you are doing.