scrapbabe Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I just wanna come first. I know that sounds selfish...but I am tired of coming second in everyone's lives. My husband runs his own business and is never here. I've mostly learned to cope, but even on his days off, or the days I ask him to take off, he schedules appointments even though I've asked him not to. I know that we have to grow our business...but coming second every single time starts to hurt...no matter how good the reason. My best and closest friend got divorced a few months ago. She moved a couple of miles away and lives with another gal who just got divorced too...just to help each other pay the bills. We were super close. She lived down the street from us before divorcing, and our kids played together all the time. We were always running down to each others houses for one reason or another. When she moved we swore we'd still get together on Fridays. But now the girl she lives with has a weekend job and so my friend watches her kids all weekend long. She is always putting me off and cancelling plans. I totally know she's struggling and that I should be thinking of her. But even when I try to help she doesn't want me to. I feel like I'm being pushed aside. Maybe not on purpose, but just through the circumstances. I feel angry and hurt at coming second, or even third or fourth in her life now. I need someone. We don't have family here...and she was really my closest friend. We don't hang out with anybody else. I just feel like crying. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I know how you feel. When I texted my hubby yesterday to tell him that I thought I needed to go to the ER? He said, "awwww! Have eldest drive you, right away! Going to a meeting; call you later." She only has her permit. So, we had to park and I had to hobble all the way across the parking lot. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamajo Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I need someone. We don't have family here...and she was really my closest friend. We don't hang out with anybody else. I just feel like crying. Thanks for listening. Tell your friend this. Be vulnerable, let her know you need her. She may be feeling that since her life situation has changed it may be a little uncomfortable since you were a part of her old married life. I don't know...maybe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I just wanna come first. I know that sounds selfish...but I am tired of coming second in everyone's lives. My husband runs his own business and is never here. I've mostly learned to cope, but even on his days off, or the days I ask him to take off, he schedules appointments even though I've asked him not to. I know that we have to grow our business...but coming second every single time starts to hurt...no matter how good the reason. My best and closest friend got divorced a few months ago. She moved a couple of miles away and lives with another gal who just got divorced too...just to help each other pay the bills. We were super close. She lived down the street from us before divorcing, and our kids played together all the time. We were always running down to each others houses for one reason or another. When she moved we swore we'd still get together on Fridays. But now the girl she lives with has a weekend job and so my friend watches her kids all weekend long. She is always putting me off and cancelling plans. I totally know she's struggling and that I should be thinking of her. But even when I try to help she doesn't want me to. I feel like I'm being pushed aside. Maybe not on purpose, but just through the circumstances. I feel angry and hurt at coming second, or even third or fourth in her life now. I need someone. We don't have family here...and she was really my closest friend. We don't hang out with anybody else. I just feel like crying. Thanks for listening. I know what you mean. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alenee Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I know what you mean. :grouphug: Ditto. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Tell your friend this. Be vulnerable, let her know you need her. She may be feeling that since her life situation has changed it may be a little uncomfortable since you were a part of her old married life. I don't know...maybe. :iagree: And :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Tell your friend this. Be vulnerable, let her know you need her. She may be feeling that since her life situation has changed it may be a little uncomfortable since you were a part of her old married life. I don't know...maybe. :iagree: Can you try having a conversation about this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I can totally relate. I don't think I'm first for anybody, but I am always putting others before me. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 The next time you have a private moment with dh grab him by both ears and get nose to nose with him...then say, "I'm proud of the hard worker you are. I'm proud of the way you work to build the business so it will be profitable...but you are going to lose it ALL in the divorce, if you don't schedule a little uninterrupted time with me in the very near future. Understand?" Then kiss him on the nose and walk away. :D Schedule an evening out that weekend. It's critical to a marriage to spend some sweet time together that doesn't involve the kids, work, or teA. It doesn't have to be fancy-it just has to happen. In our case, some of our time came by phone...My dh is a pilot. Once many years ago, when dh was still a first officer, one of his captain's gave him a tough time over always calling in to me. (Before the days of cellphones, so dh would be on the hotel house phone calling me at show time. Captain razzed him about being tied to home, wasting money on long distance...you name it.) After a week or so of it, dh got ticked and told the twice divorced captain that what ever he spent on long distance phone calls home was waaaaaay cheaper than what a divorce would cost. The captain left him alone after that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmoe Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am married to a workaholic and have five kids close in age who always have needs I need to make! I've started putting myself first for me. I now go and get my hair cut every five weeks or so---it use to be once or twice a year. I go and get the clothes I need---a definate change for me. I go out to lunch with friends. I plan dates with dh and make them happen. I plan time with dh (though sometimes that time is sitting in the car alone after he comes home from work). Things have changed with the kids and my dh since I have started doing this. They are understanding that I don't come second because I don't put my self second anymore. Would it work for you to plan something on your dh's day off? My dh is suppose to come home at 11:30 on Fridays. That rarely happened for us until I started making plans for that time. Now he tends to come home earlier--it might not be until 5 minutes before the planned event, but that's okay--it's better than before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: I am sorry you are feeling alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
desertmum Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Ditto. :grouphug: Ditto here too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Is it possible for you to take your kids over to your friend's place today, so they can all play together? The two of you can visit and you can help her babysit. Bring some snacks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I know you are heartbroken over your friend. I was in a similar situation a year or two back and I really missed my friends. But what made it worse was the fact that my marriage was...lonely. disconnected. I think I had been depending on my friends to fill the companionship void that my marriage should have been filling. Then when they were gone, I was a mess. I spiraled into a year long depression. I totally agree with the PP who advised you to tell your dh the way it is. I was used to keeping a stiff upper lip and smiling even when my feelings were hurt and I felt alone. My dh needed to know that I desperately needed him. I had to show him that I needed him more than his work needed him. It was a rude awakening for him and me too. He thought I was ok. I never let on that I wasn't until I was in a very bad emotional situation. I thank God every day that he protected our marriage, because I was so emotionally vulnerable that I could have made a terrible, irreversible choice had I been given the opportunity. I agree with the PP who mentioned making plans with/for your dh. When I am needing time with him, I no longer feel bad for saying. "I need lunch with you. Saturday WILL be our day. What time do you prefer?" And I expect him to prioritize it equal with other responsibilities. Work makes some men feel competent and accomplished. My dh is very task oriented so he feels accomplished by checking things off a list. Meeting his wife's emotional needs by chatting for an hour was not on the list until I showed him how important it was. My dh is not a jerk. But when it comes to relationships he can be a little clueless as how to make them work. Once I was brutally honest with him and myself, he realized that our marriage was not what he wanted it to be either. But he had no idea how to fix it. Anyway, so sorry you are feeling alone. Sometimes life really hurts. I still have not found other relationships to fill the void that my old friends left. But on the upside, my marriage is better than ever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry you are hurt. I hope it's just a coincidence that your husband and best friend are being distant at the same time in your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug:I'm sorry you are being hurt by their distance. You might try discussing this with you dh and friend. Loosing a good friend to divorce is so hard. It was hard for me to let go, but my friend needs single people now. btdt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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