RoughCollie Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) My boys are 18 today! DS1 is starting college in June - he is going to a summer session at the University of RI to earn 8 semester hours in German. This will be the first time he's been away from home alone, and I expect this experience to be good for him. In the fall, he will go to the local community college and live at home for the next 2 years. The other two have either 1 or 2 years of high school left. All the boys are very aware that they are adults now. Aside from the legal implications of that status, what are the changes to the family dynamic I can expect and prepare for? Basically, I know this is my house, my rules, but I want to know how to both treat them as men, and keep them from harm. So far, thankfully, none of them drink alcohol (they have to be 21 to do that) or use drugs. I can see DS1 deciding to take a weekend trip somewhere with friends. He's 18 now, and he's never done that. What about when he decides to go out -- can he have a curfew still, or now that he is 18, do I just have to let him stay out half the night or all night? What if he starts smoking pot sometimes with his friends (not at home), and I find out about it? I guess there are things I can't stop the boys from doing now, but I don't foresee being in a situation in which I'd have to kick them out of the house. I think DS2 and DS3 will just rock along as usual. DS1 is chomping at the bit to be an independent adult -- with the caveat that he'd like us to pay for it. He has already asked DH and I to pay for an apartment in town for him -- the answer was no, because he can live at home and go to the community college in town, and we can't afford it anyway. What about internet usage? They each have a computer. DS1 has no parental controls on his because his usage is responsible. DS2 and DS3 have time controls (midnight on weekends, 9:30 pm on school nights) because they are likely to get involved in something and stay on all night. The time controls are there so they get enough sleep to function well at school the next day, and so they won't sleep until mid-afternoon on weekends. Should there be different rules for the boys, since one is a graduating senior and the others are still in high school? If so, this wouldn't actually be a problem because DS2 and DS3 are homebodies who aren't likely to want to take advantage of their newly minted adulthood. I could give these guys every freedom imaginable (except for computer time), and they wouldn't take advantage of it. DS1 is a different story -- he wants to Experience Life! I moved out of my house a couple of months before I turned 18 and I was self-supporting from that point on, so I have no experience to fall back on. Suddenly we are a family of 5 adults and one minor child, and I don't know how to handle it. I don't want to do anything that impedes their progress toward becoming mature adults. OTOH, I want to save them from making mistakes and having to suffer the consequences. Somewhere, there has to be a balance. Advice will be heartily appreciated. Thank you, RC Edited March 27, 2012 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I lived at home in my 30s, when I got divorced. I didn't have a curfew exactly, but it was there house and they didn't want people coming and going at all hours of the night. That is reasonable. So we discussed where I would be, and when I would be home as a courtesy, not as a control thing. Perhaps you can take that angle? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I don't have any advice, but (wow...you have 3 18y/ ds's) wanted to post a :grouphug:. I'll be reading the advice for the future... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Wow -- three 18 year-olds! Congratulations! In our home as our children were growing up, we never talked about 18 being a magical age where they turn into adults. I just don't believe it happens like that, overnight. It's a gradual process, and some kids mature more quickly than others, and others take a lot longer. So we have always set the rule that rules remain pretty much intact the whole time that they're living at home, and even when they come back from college. However, beginning as mid-teens, we slowly give them more and more freedom (as long as they earn it), but it's all within healthy limits. Although, the reasons for rules change a little as they get older. When they're younger, it's more to set definite limits about what's right and wrong. When they're older, it's to help keep a peaceful, respectful family environment. So, when our 20 year-old is home from college for the summer, she will still abide by our rules which include not being on the internet on Sundays during the day (family time), chores around the house, not staying out all hours of the night, etc. If she were out drinking or doing drugs, we would definitely step in and do something drastic. We just would. (And, she would expect that we would!) So, I would treat all of your 18 year-olds generally the same, but of course different circumstances might demand flexibility in rules. For example, if the deadline for your 18 year-olds to be out on a school night is 10pm, that may be easier for your boys doing high school at home to follow. For your 18 year-old driving out of town for school (I think that's what he was doing), it might be that he has to meet with kids at his school an hour away for a school project in the evening, and then they want to go for coffee after that to chat, so he won' be home until midnight. But, I would still give him a general limit (try to be home around midnight, okay?). Anyway, I've never been in your exact circumstance, of course! I think it's the type of thing where you'll just figure it out as you go. There have been so many times when my kids will ask me, "How old do I have to be to...?" And I just have to answer "I'll know when I know." Perhaps that will be your case too. You'll just figure it out as you go along, adjust rules and freedoms as you go. You'll know what "feels" right, I imagine. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 You've got a different situation there for sure with 3 boys the same age, but with different levels of activities! By the time our two olders turned 18, we had moved from curfews and bedtimes to more "suggestions". They both had school and jobs, so were more in the "help out as possible" mode rather than having set chores. They are both pretty good about not coming in too late because it wakes up the dogs (who then wake up everyone else!) I guess the big thing is that I try to "Mommy" them less. Fewer reminders, less nagging. More discussions about what needs to happen rather than dictates. It's tough because I have decades of Mommy habits, but it makes for more friendly interactions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 At our house, as an adult, it is just common courtesy to let the owner of the establishment know that they can expect you home around a certain time. If they will be later then a courtesy call is expected.... .... or else Daddy will call his police and fire dept friends and oooohhh, won't you be embarrassed when one of them pull you over to make sure you are ok! Because you must NOT be ok, if you didn't bother to call!:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 On the legal implications side of things, it's a good idea to at the very least have each of them work up a simple will and power of attorney for healthcare. Hopefully this will never be needed but I just finished up as executor for my dad's estate. Even as small and simple as it was it would have been a real headache without the legal paperwork in place. My 18 year old still needs to do this and I just ordered Quicken Willmaker from amazon on sale for $24.99. He laughed off the will side of things but he does get it when we talked about authorizing for healthcare decisions in advance. Of course I offered to pay since it's not exactly high on the priority list of most young adults. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) Thank you all for your comments and advice. I require DS1 to tell me where he is going and when he will be home. After he has graduated from high school, I'll expect that as a common courtesy while he is living in our home. Pippen, I've got the legal side of things squared away, but thank you for suggesting that. I think it is good advice. Tonight, the big topic of conversation was whether the high school will treat them as adults now, with no parental involvement required. I told them that as long as they were in PS, they would have to follow the same rules as the other students do. Being an adult will not change a thing. It must be kind of strange to young people to be considered an adult in some ways (they can sign legally binding contracts, they are tried in a criminal courts as adults, they can handle their own medical care, they can get married, they can be drafted) but to not really be one yet in terms of their actual lifestyle and responsibilities. Edited March 28, 2012 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tntgoodwin Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Make sure they register for Selective Service and to vote! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 When our ds turned 18, he did not have a curfew but we expected him to call and let us know when he expected to be home or if he was spending then night at a friend's house. This happened a lot because we lived way out in the country at that time and he was often too tired to drive home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 My oldest Ds turned 18 last week. He is no longer at home, He had to shift into Residence at university 5 weeks ago. Apparently the whole floor of the residence took him to the pub. He had never had beer before he told me he doesn't really like it much and that he didn't get drunk. As he is no longer at home I can only make suggestions and hope that all his training will bear fruit. He has always been very level headed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 In our house, "He who hath the gold rules." In other words, if I am supporting someone, then he lives by my rules only. There is no consideration beyond that. If he doesn't like my rules, he can leave. It seems harsh, but my first kiddo managed just fine by those rules. And, he managed to manipulate them to his advantage. :) Congratulations on your boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 Make sure they register for Selective Service and to vote! Oh, yes, they definitely will be doing that this week. They are eager to vote. They discuss politics all the time. Sometimes they get loud, and it scares the dog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 When our ds turned 18, he did not have a curfew but we expected him to call and let us know when he expected to be home or if he was spending then night at a friend's house. This happened a lot because we lived way out in the country at that time and he was often too tired to drive home. That happens here, too. Plus, there is a curfew for drivers under 18 -- they can't be on the road after a certain time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I have older ones living at home at times. We have "house rules". The house rules are the ones that everyone follows, even the parents. We tell each other where we are. We take our shoes off when we come in the house. We share our plans. We make sure there is gas in the cars. You can have "quiet hours" at your house. You can have a family dinner night. You can have hours during which the internet is off. You do all these things by saying something to the effect of "this is what we want our house and family life to be like". Households of non-related adults living together often have house rules to make living together go smoothly. The only trick is that you the parents have to follow the rules as well. Nan PS - As parents, you will always have the right to offer advice and comment on your children's actions. The phrasing has to change, though - you need to say things the way you would say them to a friend rather than the way you would say them to your 12 year old. In our family, this was never much of a problem because my children have watched my parents tell my husband and me things for years, but if you don't have such a precidence set automatically, I would perhaps point out that this is your right as a parent forever, that you will be their parents forever, with the right to offer comments and advice. Not orders and rules, but comments and advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyomarie Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Wow! RC, seeing thaat your boys are 18 today makes it hit home that my son's 18th birthday is just around the corner- in about 7 months or so. Congratulations to them! It must be a bit of a conundrum that one of them is so ready to be an adult while the other two are on a little different path. How do the two who will remain in high school feel about their brother graduating and moving on? My son is in such a funny place right now. He will officially remain as a high school student for 2 more years. But starting in May he will take all CC classes. In terms of emotional and social development, he really needs that 2 year safety net to give him space to finish growing up. Academically, he is rapidly getting ready to move on, even with his academic challenges due to dyslexia. He is starting to "fluff his feathers" and make his opinions known, but his reasoning isn't always well-considered. And we are starting to talk about him being 18yo soon and the responsibilities of legal adulthood. Yet, he doesn't drive and has never held a job of any kind (the girls didn't really, either, though they did do things like babysitting & dog sitting). I think it will be a bit of a challenge having a legal adult who isn't quite developmentally ready (even though he is very bright) to assume the responsibilities. As for house rules for your DS1, I lived at home for the first 2 years I was in college. Didn't like it but couldn't afford to pay my own tuition and pay rent, too. My parents required me to follow normal house rules. While they didn't harp on a curfew, they expected me to be home by midnight unless there was a special activity that was discussed ahead of time or I had to work late on my job, which normally finished at 11pm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I ask my 19 year old to text what time he will be home if he is not home by 10P. He respects this and I can rest easier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 What if he starts smoking pot sometimes with his friends (not at home), and I find out about it? - Do you obey every law yourself (speed limits?)? Otherwise, you are going to find the legal line difficult to toe - Have you decided whether all drugs are evil or whether there is some kind of sliding scale? Where does pot sit in this spectrum? - To what extent do you want to fold your boys into the family and try to mould their behaviour, vs. laying down the law and (possibly) pushing them away? Just some thoughts.... For what it's worth, my parents were flexible in their attitudes to us as young adults. They expected that we would experiment with various behaviours, but kept lines of communication open and tried not to force us away/into a defiant stance. I hope to do as well myself. Calvin will finish school at 17, so this is rushing towards me rather fast. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 what an amazing thing - to have raised triplet boys to age 18. That alone gives you some kind of extra cosmic credibility. I am not sure the rest of us can give you a lot of advice - we should be asking YOU for advice. But since you asked and I have have had an "adult" son live at home, here is how it went down around here ..... There are certain things that adults do. They get jobs, the live on the income they can earn, they are polite and accommodating when staying with others, they put the needs of others ahead of their own needs at times. My son had a talk about how, if my sister had to come live with us, there is no way she would be coming and going at 2 a.m. because she would know that is rude when you are living rent free in a family. She would clean up after herself, try to fit in with the lifestyle DH and I have, and never need to be told twice if a certain behavior is a problem. She would just be so grateful for a free place to stay. She would try to be cheerful and helpful and unobtrusive, and would work hard to get OUT of this living situation. And she would be most welcome if she behaved that way, and a lot less welcome if she made life difficult. So I actually think that a 19 year old wanting to drive around all night in cars someone else pays for and insures, crash at friends' houses, leave messes, (even if they also do good stuff like school work and chores) and be supported by parents is not really indicative of being an adult. That is more like what a legal adult does when he is not ready to act like an adult. Acting like an adult would mean working hard in school and finding a part time job (though I recognize the economy stinks) or volunteer opportunities, using free time to advance one's long term goals, living with respect and care, etc. I would expect at this age you wouldn't see THAT much of your sons because they would be studying and doing school work, heading out for jobs and volunteer activities, and hitting the sack pretty early so they can do the same the next day. I would expect they would be pretty focused on "what do I need to be doing with my time so that I can be in the best possible position a year from now." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 Our formal rules are: 1. Everyone must obey the laws. 2. No NY Yankee fans are allowed in the house. :D This has not been a problem, since we don't know any of them. 3. All family plans are made around the Red Sox schedule. Everything else is just part of ordinary family life -- expectations, I'd call them, but everyone adheres to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 - Do you obey every law yourself (speed limits?)? Otherwise, you are going to find the legal line difficult to toe I do obey the laws. I don't speed. I've never been pulled over or caused an accident. My driving philosophy, which I have imparted to my kids, is that I pretend the other drivers on the road are beloved relatives, and I drive accordingly. - Have you decided whether all drugs are evil or whether there is some kind of sliding scale? Where does pot sit in this spectrum? DH and I are criminal defense attorneys, although I don't work right now. There is no sliding scale. We have all heard about and witnessed, ad infinitum, what illegal drug usage does to people. We all know what the ramifications of having a criminal record are. We live in a place now in which drug usage (besides marijuana) is not uncommon. My kids go to a very large high school, and they have really had their eyes opened. When they meet someone for the first time, it is common for them to be asked how many times they have been arrested or whether they are on probation, too! The kids see a direct correlation at their school between grades, interest in learning, family dynamic, and illegal activities including drug usage. My kids took a lot for granted because they had never been exposed to situations like these before. Now they are thankful for what they have. Luckily, they were homeschooled. They learned to form their own opinions and are not easily swayed by peer pressure. - To what extent do you want to fold your boys into the family and try to mould their behaviour, vs. laying down the law and (possibly) pushing them away? So far, I haven't had to lay down the law very often. I'm a pretty relaxed parent -- on the little hills, they learn from consequences, like if they don't do their laundry, they will run out of clean clothes at just the wrong time. If they don't clean their rooms, they will probably never find their iPods. Come to think of it, they know we will not support basement-dwelling bottom-feeders. We will, however, do whatever we can to support their ongoing progress toward meeting their goals. As far as communication goes, my kids talk to me constantly. I thought they would ease up when they became teens, but it has gotten worse. If they keep any secrets, they must be small ones, because they sure do talk a lot about everything imaginable. I am not a rigid thinker, and I am acquainted with the techniques of non-judgmental, active listening, and I think that encourages them. I also have an open-ear policy: If someone wants to talk, no matter what time it is, I'm there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Congratulations! But Wow. Three 18 year olds at one time! As our kiddoes turned 18 nothing really changed as they were all still in Highschool at the time of the birthday. Life changed somewhat at the time of graduation. If they were in college, we still helped out with things like cell phone and insurance. If they were at home and not in any kind of school, we stopped helping out with those kinds of expenses. We really didn't have rules about internet usage and curfews after graduation, but they were expected to let us know where they were and when they were going to be home at night. We expected they would get themselves up and out the door for jobs and college classes all by themselves and we had worked towards that goal for most of their highschool years so it was not a problem. I think you become more of a mentor and less of a dictator as they get older. Yes, they are required to follow household rules as would anyone who lives in your home, or even guests. I can't even think of any right now, but let's just say you don't have alcohol in your home, that would not change just because they are 18. I was more of the opinion that you are not adult just because you're 18. If you want to be the ruler of your home, then move out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 If someone wants to talk, no matter what time it is, I'm there. Wonderful plan. I almost always stayed up until they were all home and in bed just in case. Not always tho. If I was going to bed, I would leave a light on in the back hallway which I could see from my bedroom. They turned the light off when they got home so If I woke up I knew if I should get up and start making phone calls or go back to sleep. Worked great for us. Altho I suspect I had one who came in and shut the light off and went back out. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 what an amazing thing - to have raised triplet boys to age 18. That alone gives you some kind of extra cosmic credibility. I am not sure the rest of us can give you a lot of advice - we should be asking YOU for advice. Are you kidding me? I wish I could start over with my kids because I've learned from my mistakes and have no one to practice on! The kids and I have talked a lot over the years about how the benefits of adulthood go hand-in-hand with the responsibilities. I have made my expectations very clear. They boil down to the fact that I will not support self-destruction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Our triplets will be 18 this summer, but I don't anticipate doing anything different. They already have quite a bit of freedom and so far so good. Our 19 yr old dd is still at home going to college and it's wonderful to still have her here. She comes and goes as she needs and pleases, but with her it's not a problem. She's the type that wants to get to sleep for the morning class. I bet it won't be as big a change as you think. We reined ours in tight when they were little so we could let go when they were teens. They are a joy, I bet yours are too. ETA- Our trips are our babies. It's scarier with the first one! The only problem I had with the first going off to college was that he ended up moving there. 8( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 We have a light system like this, too. I had one growing up, also. A system like is very nice. You don't stop worrying about them just because they are 21. I agree with Laura about folding and moulding versus laying down the law. We've done lots of folding (and as a result, lots of praying) and opted to keep the line of communication open and our children close, rather than laying down the law. If they are still in the family, there is more hope that they will eventually come to see things your way than if they have moved away and are avoiding you. RC - Very funny about your house rules! Nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) It must be a bit of a conundrum that one of them is so ready to be an adult while the other two are on a little different path. How do the two who will remain in high school feel about their brother graduating and moving on? This all started when we moved to PA. DS1 has attended PS or parochial school since 8th grade. The other two were homeschooled during 9th grade, and the PS would not count that year unless the MA government issued a government-certified transcript for them. MA doesn't do that, so they had to repeat the 9th grade. That put them one year behind. DS3 has Asperger's Syndrome, and it doesn't bother him that he is a year behind. He marches to his own drummer, always. DS2 is two years behind because he became seriously clinically depressed last year (11-day hospitalization; long term, ongoing therapy; several courses of drugs that haven't worked). He is very frustrated that his depression has caused him to be behind in school, and not to be able to make much progress on his other goals, which include writing fiction, getting and keeping a job, and taking honors level courses in school. He has nonverbal learning disorder, which complicates matters. The boys were born prematurely, 27 weeks, weighed less than 2 lbs. at birth, and I think that has contributed to the various problems DS2 and DS3 have had over the years. It will be interesting to see how things change once DS1 starts college. He will get his first taste of true independence when he goes to URI this summer. If one of my boys is in a crowd of people that doesn't include an immediate family member, they characterize themselves as being "alone". The high school campus here has one huge building for grades 9 and 10, and one for grades 11 and 12. DS2 is in 10th grade alone, even though he is surrounded by over 1000 other students and has friends. I am really excited about this summer German program for DS1. He will be in an intensely scholarly environment, and I think he will feel that he fits in for the first time (aside from fitting into our family). Plus, he'll get to manage his own daily life and be free from parental constraints, and I think he'll do well at that, too. I think this will be a period of significant personal growth for him. DS1 is like me in many ways, and he has the benefit of having me to turn to if he encounters any problems. Meanwhile, I plan to spend my summer working with DS2 and DS3 because there are still plenty of independent life skills they need to learn. This is an ongoing process, and it will be easier to accomplish with DS1 out of the way. He already has those skills, and everything comes easily to him ... the contrast is noticeable. DD will spend her summer being busy, as is usual for her. She will learn to drive, so her dad and I will not spend large portions of every day playing chauffeur. She was born with life skills and good judgment already intact. :) Edited March 28, 2012 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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