KidsHappen Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 My middle school dd is being bullied. The school has an anti-bullying program and she has already went to her teacher and principal about it without any results. I will be keeping her home from school tomorrow and will be at school first thing Monday morning to talk to the principal. My question is how to deal with the girls. One of the girls doesn't even go to my dd's school anymore but they have the same group of friends. I have deleted that girl from my dd's FB page and instructed my dd to ignore her. That leaves the queen bee at the school as being the major problem. She is snarky and then several other girls that used to be my dd's friends fall in line behind her. I haven't removed them from my dd's FB page yet because I am printing screen shots and I want access to their information. Of course, my dd doesn't want to cause a big fuss at school and I agree that that would just make her seem weak and more vunerable but obviously I need to put a stop to this. Other than talking to the principal (which I don't think will accomplish much) how should I proceed? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 One of my Facebook friends posted this today, maybe it has some helpful advice? http://www.netplaces.com/dealing-with-bullies/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I'm really sorry! My dd had to live through this in middle school. It was a church group. She finally confronted the leader and left the group. No one in the group ever checked up on her and the adults still call it, "the great misunderstanding." Right, that's why she saw the school counselor, met with other adults for prayer and sat on my lap for months. Keep us posted on how things go. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Lawyers are highly effective messengers. Get one to attend the meeting with you. I'm a real grouch on this subject. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alenee Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Lawyers are highly effective messengers. Get one to attend the meeting with you. I'm a real grouch on this subject. And on that note, is there a school police officer? They can be very helpful in delivering the message too. I'm so sorry your dd has to go through this. Hug her and love on her as often as you can. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 And on that note, is there a school police officer? They can be very helpful in delivering the message too. I'm so sorry your dd has to go through this. Hug her and love on her as often as you can. :grouphug: Why yes they do and I do believe that she may be helpful. Thanks fo that suggestion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Lawyers are highly effective messengers. Get one to attend the meeting with you. I'm a real grouch on this subject. :iagree:I play hardball about bullying, right from the start. When my kids were in school, I had a zero tolerance policy about this subject. ZERO TOLERANCE. The school knew that if there was to ever be an ongoing issue, I would involve an attorney and perhaps the police. Guess what? We never had an ongoing problem! I never expected my kids to put up with what I would not have to in the workplace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 :grouphug: I hope this works out for you all. No advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I would ask for a sit-down with the girls in question so they can explain themselves. Somehow, having to account for the nasty things you have done tends to change people's behavior in a hurry. And I second the lawyer suggestion. I would tell those girls, "This is my child's life. We take it seriously." Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candid Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I've read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Bully-Bullied-Bystander-Preschool-HighSchool--How/dp/0061744603/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1327066541&sr=8-2 It's not perfect but thus far it is one of few that takes on what to do when school officials drag their heals. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I'll second the lawyer idea. It should stop the blatant bullying but it won't change the nasty mean girl attitude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristyB in TN Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 My daughter went through it when we attempted public high school when she was a sophomore. I had to remove her from the school and we began homeschooling again. It has been a year and a half ago and we still have some recovering to do. A group of girls would make loud vomiting sounds any time they saw her pass by in the hallway. She had PE with them and they would vomit the entire time she was in the locker room. My experience taught me that schools sincerely love starting programs that address bullying and they love to talk about the problem but there is very little they can do to effect change, the parents are ultimately responsible and you can't control that. I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. It is horrible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missouri Okie Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 A response that always worked for me (I had the new kid issue when I went to civilian rather than military brat schools) was to respond to the nasty attack calmly by asking "Is that the type of person you want to be?" then go about my business with my new friends who also didn't play the reindeer games. Love it. I'll have to remember that quote if my kids ever face something similar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 there is very little they can do to effect change, I think this is true. Mean girls are very good at being mean and acting innocent. When you concentrate large groups of kids in compulsory situations, this is what you get. If there were an effective way of dealing with it, it wouldn't be the ongoing problem that it is. The only effective solution, imo, is not to concentrate large groups of kids in compulsory situations. I do think the size of the school and the dynamics of the community matter. My dh went to a tiny Catholic school in a tiny steel town. Everyone knew everyone. I went to a large suburban school. Everyone was more anonymous. Our experiences of the high school social scene were vastly different. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deacongirl Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Rosalind Wiseman has great advice for dealing with bullying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I think bullying is the expected and accepted culture in many schools. Don't solely rely on the teachers and administration to stop it. Imnsho, they condone it by only paying lip service to their zero tolerance policies. There seldom are any real consequences for the perpetrators. My middle school dd is being bullied. The school has an anti-bullying program and she has already went to her teacher and principal about it without any results. I will be keeping her home from school tomorrow and will be at school first thing Monday morning to talk to the principal. My question is how to deal with the girls. One of the girls doesn't even go to my dd's school anymore but they have the same group of friends. I have deleted that girl from my dd's FB page and instructed my dd to ignore her. That leaves the queen bee at the school as being the major problem. She is snarky and then several other girls that used to be my dd's friends fall in line behind her. I haven't removed them from my dd's FB page yet because I am printing screen shots and I want access to their information. Of course, my dd doesn't want to cause a big fuss at school and I agree that that would just make her seem weak and more vunerable but obviously I need to put a stop to this. Other than talking to the principal (which I don't think will accomplish much) how should I proceed? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 My daughter went through it when we attempted public high school when she was a sophomore. I had to remove her from the school and we began homeschooling again. It has been a year and a half ago and we still have some recovering to do. A group of girls would make loud vomiting sounds any time they saw her pass by in the hallway. She had PE with them and they would vomit the entire time she was in the locker room. My experience taught me that schools sincerely love starting programs that address bullying and they love to talk about the problem but there is very little they can do to effect change, the parents are ultimately responsible and you can't control that. I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. It is horrible. :iagree:It is almost impossible to stop among girls that age because it's so subtle. The little eye roll, the snarky laugh, the gagging sounds, the comments like, "Gosh, Suzy, you look really cute today. Where on earth did you get that sweater?", then dissolving into fits of laughter....really, none of that can be prosecuted against. And these types of girls (and their parents) generally don't care about school police officers and lawyers. And in fact, generally retaliate in kind. Because honestly, "this girl rolled her eyes at my dd" isn't something that will stand up in court nor can it be proven, and school officials will cave under the bully's parents threatening back. So, while overt teasing, name calling and any kind of physical violence will stop....the subtle bullying, ostracism and in general trying to make your dd seem "less than" won't. Just another reason why I HATE middle school. Who's dumb idea was that, anyway? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tmulcahy Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 My daughter went through it when we attempted public high school when she was a sophomore. I had to remove her from the school and we began homeschooling again. It has been a year and a half ago and we still have some recovering to do. A group of girls would make loud vomiting sounds any time they saw her pass by in the hallway. She had PE with them and they would vomit the entire time she was in the locker room. My experience taught me that schools sincerely love starting programs that address bullying and they love to talk about the problem but there is very little they can do to effect change, the parents are ultimately responsible and you can't control that. I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. It is horrible. So sorry for your daughter and the OPs daughter. Once a person starts to bully someone it usually doesn't stop. People that bully are mean and purposeful. Most don't care about answering for their actions. They say all the right things to those who question them and just go back to the same behavior. Unless something is being done within the home of the bully nothing will change. It can take a very long time to recover from being the victim of a bully. I would remove my child from the situation if it did not stop. I can not stress to you enough how harmful bullying can be.:grouphug: I have no advice on how to stop it. Just prayers and sympathy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeteranMom Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 My experience taught me that schools sincerely love starting programs that address bullying and they love to talk about the problem but there is very little they can do to effect change, the parents are ultimately responsible and you can't control that. That was my experience, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 I just wanted to post an update. I have cleaned up her FB and tightened her security. We are removing anyone that she does not have a secure friendship with. We have a very wide extended family and we have been shoring her up by pointing out inappropriate comments. She also has an older sister in high school and both her sister and all of her sister's friends are also helping out both on line and in face to face situations. I have instructed her to just ignore anyone that is not clearly being nice to her and to spend more time with others like herself. On Tuesday of this week the girl that has been the biggest problem told my dd that she had heard that she was having a bad day and bought her a cookie. From all accounts it seemed sincere. Things seemed to have died down quite a bit but we are still watching carefully and are prepared to carrying things further if need be. I am also reading a few books so that I will be better prepared should I have to deal with this again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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