Laura in MI Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Today dh decided to try to talk with dss12 because he's been acting out. He won't talk to me or my other dc. Every other word out of his mouth is a swear word. (my 4 yo heard it too :glare:) Today we had some suspicions and went through his stuff and found cigarettes. Dh decided to get ride of the little alcohol that's in our house to find that's some of it's missing.. Today dh decided to try to have a serious talk with dss12. During the talk dss12 broke down crying, saying that dh doesn't love him he picked me and my/our other dc over him (That's the reason dh didn't move to California when his mom made him go). That the only reason dh had them move back here is because his mom didn't want him and hates him too. Dh tried to tell him otherwise and attempted to hug him. But dss ran to his room and screamed at him to get the f*** away. Dh didn't have a clue what to do.. and decided to let him cool off for awhile. He tried to talk to dss and nothing really happened, dh ended up crying from the things dss was saying (I've seen him cry 3 times and I've know him my whole life!). I tried to talk to dh about it but he's not talking to me about it. He went to bed right after dinner. Dss is starting counseling on Monday. He's also starting ps on Monday too (which I don't think is a good idea at all) This has been affecting everyone in our house.... dss17 was furious when he got home and found out everything that happened and left again, dd14 got very upset with the things he was saying the other and they ended up screaming at each other, dd13 is my peacemaker and it's stressing her out she can't fix it, dss9 & 7 said that's how he normally is, my 4 & 3 year old have heard all the commotion and got very upset. (they saw me & dh crying) Bless dd13's heart she calmed them down and took over watching them the whole afternoon/evening. We planned on having a movie night tonight, but it didn't happen. Everyone's in bed. Today was not a good day.. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) Oh Laura. I can't imagine. :grouphug: The whole thing must be really, REALLY rough on your whole family; but especially on your three stepsons. Can you imagine?! Moving clear across the country because (at least in their minds) their mother no longer wants them. They, I'm assuming, don't know anyone outside the family, right? No friends? And they probably don't even really know you and your children. How terribly frightening, upsetting, and emotionally draining for them! I'm thinking perhaps ALL of you need some help, not just the oldest stepson. You need someone with good advice to help you all adjust to the new family unit. While I'm sure your stepsons need the most help, you all really do. Prayers for you. I really can't imagine. My stepkids were 2 and 4 when I met them, 5 and 7 when dh and I married. It's been a long road, with lots of ups and downs, but I have a great relationship with both of them today. Hang in there. ETA: Just trying to understand the family dynamic in your home; are the 17yo, 14yo, and 13yo yours from a previous relationship, and the 4, 3, and 8mo olds are you and your dh's? Because if so, that adds a whole other layer of complication to me. Because if that's the case, I imagine your 12yo stepson certainly could have quite the jealousy issue with your dh 'picking' his own stepkids over him. Not that your dh DID that (I mean I can totally understand how you and your dh can't up and move across the country just because your dh's son's mother decided to!) but I can see how to a 12 year old boy, it could FEEL that way, you know? Edited January 8, 2012 by bethanyniez Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKidAcademy Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 My heart breaks for that boy, for all of you. Gentle hugs and many prayers..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 :grouphug: I wish you peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Today dh decided to try to talk with dss12 because he's been acting out. He won't talk to me or my other dc. :crying: :grouphug: i think that is what is needed, and a bigger step would be for the entire family to get counseling...sending him to get counseling can be interpreted by him that he is the one with the problem....this is not his problem it is the entire family's problem...blending families is hardest on the children, period...parents should accept the responsibility that his feelings are valid, they should take the steps to reassure their love...this son needs some one on one time with his Dad...he first needs to know how much he is loved and second that bc he is loved we the parents can not allow certain behavior...but the parents need to sit with him and accept the barbs he has for having a broken family...then love him through it...tough road but the rewards are immense! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in MI Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 We have set up counseling for my other step sons and we talked about going to family counseling but my other dc aren't going by themselves...And yes my 17, 14 & 13 yo's are from my first husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misidawnrn Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I don't have advice...just hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 :iagree: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellers Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) :grouphug: i think that is what is needed, and a bigger step would be for the entire family to get counseling...sending him to get counseling can be interpreted by him that he is the one with the problem....this is not his problem it is the entire family's problem...blending families is hardest on the children, period...parents should accept the responsibility that his feelings are valid, they should take the steps to reassure their love...this son needs some one on one time with his Dad...he first needs to know how much he is loved and second that bc he is loved we the parents can not allow certain behavior...but the parents need to sit with him and accept the barbs he has for having a broken family...then love him through it...tough road but the rewards are immense! Great advice! My DH has two DDs from his first marriage and I know first hand how difficult things can get. My older DSD is seven years younger than me so she was already an adult when DH and I got married. My younger DSD was three years old. Everything was wonderful until her maternal grandma got involved and started planting lies into DSD's head. DH had custody, the girl's mother didn't want custody (in the divorce she did want two horses and a dog). By the time DSD was in 4th grade DSD was telling me, "Shelly, you are lucky I even let Kristi (at time Kristi was two) breathe". She would tell me how sharp knives are trying to scare me. I would catch her staring at oldest DD at two am. I locked up knives and made the kids sleep with me. DSD was in weekly counseling - by herself, which was probably a mistake. Things got so bad with daily death threats to our other kids and DH was working overseas for 30 days at a time, that we decided it was best that DSD go live with her mother (who didn't want her). In retrospect, I can now say DSD was put up to all this cr@p by her maternal grandmother and her mother. Her mom actually told me while DSD was still living here, that she would make sure DSD made my life a "living hell". OP: My point in telling a small piece of my own story isn't to scare you, but I do want to point out that you don't know what this kid has been told. He could have been told a pack of lies (about his dad or even you) that may be contributing to his acting out. My step daughter ended up living with her grandma which wasn't a good thing. Luckily she was sent to boarding school for high school and ended up with strong mother figures. DSD and I have a wonderful relationship today. She's 20 and her eyes are opening to her Grandma's ways. DSD is away at Southern Adventist getting her RN. She spent Christmas at our house. :) Edited January 8, 2012 by Shellers Typos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in MI Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 Great advice! My DH has two DDs from his first marriage and I know first hand how difficult things can get. My older DSD is seven years younger than me so she was already an adult when DH and I got married. My younger DSD was three years old. Everything was wonderful until her maternal grandma got involved and started planting lies into DSD's head. DH had custody, the girl's mother didn't want custody (in the divorce she did want two horses and a dog). By the time DSD was in 4th grade DSD was telling me, "Shelly, you are lucky I even let Kristi (at time Kristi was two) breathe". She would tell me how sharp knives are trying to scare me. I would catch her staring at oldest DD at two am. I locked up knives and made the kids sleep with me. DSD was in weekly counseling - by herself, which was probably a mistake. Things got so bad with daily death threats to our other kids and DH was working overseas for 30 days at a time, that we decided it was best that DSD go live with her mother (who didn't want her). In retrospect, I can now say DSD was put up to all this cr@p by her maternal grandmother and her mother. Her mom actually told me while DSD was still living here, that she would make sure DSD made my life a "living hell". OP: My point in telling a small piece of my own story isn't to scare you, but I do want to point out that you don't know what this kid has been told. He could have been told a pack of lies (about his dad or even you) that may be contributing to his acting out. My step daughter ended up living with her grandma which wasn't a good thing. Luckily she was sent to boarding school for high school and ended up with strong mother figures. DSD and I have a wonderful relationship today. She's 20 and her eyes are opening to her Grandma's ways. DSD is away at Southern Adventist getting her RN. She spent Christmas at our house. :) I cannot imagine..but I'm glad you have a good relationship now! I'm assuming he has been told a bunch of lies. dss's have had a good relationship with dh, even after they moved to California. They talked/texted almost everyday. Even after they knew they we're coming to live with us everything seemed to be fine. This morning started a lot better, I woke up and dh had cooked us all breakfast. Everyone seemed to be in a happier mood. They just went outside to play :001_smile:. Ds17 still isn't home but he texted me that he was sorry but he just had to cool off (He's at his friends). Dss12 still didn't come out of his room but dh brought him up some of the breakfast.. Maybe someone can answer these questions.. Should we let him just sit in his room all day? Should we punish him like we would any of our other dc? (dd14 is extremely upset because we grounded her because she was screaming at him and swore too, but we haven't punished dss12 for anything he's done.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Oh wow Laura. :grouphug: Well, your 14 year old daughter already knew the rules in your house regarding yelling and swearing, I'd assume. So, if she got punished for them, she should just worry about that. She's old enough to understand that her stepbrother was just moved away from everything he knows, and is having a hard time adjusting to it. And he needs a 'grace period' to adjust to your house rules. It's just gonna be hard for you all for a while. I'm glad you're getting some outside help, seeing as the kids are yelling and swearing. That's what I'd be looking for in your situation. Oh, and yeah, I'd let the boy just stay in his room if he wants to. Man, how overwhelming. And he's starting public school tomorrow?! Poor thing. He doesn't want to homeschool? At least for the rest of this year, so he can aclimate to your family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Bethany's first answer was so loving and gentle and accepting of the boy's situation. I think most of my responses to him would come from that place. Don't try to talk him out of believing something. Instead, *listen.* "DSS, I can hear how angry you are." "It must have been scary to move across the country." "I hear..." "I would be scared if...." etc etc etc Hear what he is saying. In time, you can ask if he has suggestions to deal with X or Y. You can share your suggestions. You can help him pick an answer. But stick with HEARING him. He felt abandoned. Now he feels thrown away. He doesn't know if he'll be accepted. It's a WHOLE lot easier to push people away than to find out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Maybe someone can answer these questions..Should we let him just sit in his room all day? Should we punish him like we would any of our other dc? (dd14 is extremely upset because we grounded her because she was screaming at him and swore too, but we haven't punished dss12 for anything he's done.) I don't think I'd punish *anyone* for these episodes. Not him, not her. The combination of their ages, developmental stage, and the situation makes punishment counter productive. If he wants to stay in his room, fine. If he wants to engage (respectfully) with the family, welcome him with open arms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Sometimes it is just so hard for guys to communicate especially at 12. Maybe some of the anger/rage/acting out is coming from a place of fear? a move, new family, new environment and people PLUS going into a new school is a lot to adjust to. I moved a lot with my folks when I was that age and starting every new school was really difficult. Sure hope the counseling can provide him with a place to vent appropriately and taht he can see that it a 'family' issue and not just 'him' as the PP said. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Um, the 14 yo is having a period of adjustment too. It would be nice to give some grace to a girl who just had her life changed too. It may be her house, and she may know the rules, but she was under pressure also. I would not punish her if I didn't punish him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Um, the 14 yo is having a period of adjustment too. It would be nice to give some grace to a girl who just had her life changed too. It may be her house, and she may know the rules, but she was under pressure also. I would not punish her if I didn't punish him. :iagree: :grouphug:for the adjustment. I hope the counseling will help everyone transition quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.