S/o tv poll and my phobic son

[southernm]

I have to admit I was shocked to see the results of the tv poll. It really made me reflect about why we have tvs in our kids rooms. I feel like I need to get this "out" about my son. My husband does not always agree with me and often feels like I'm making something out of nothing. So here goes...

 

My ds was a high needs baby. I didn't plan to co-sleep, he made me. Starting with the first night home, the only way to get him to stop crying was to touch him. I remember having such hurt feelings when people made fun of me for never putting him down, yet I couldn't. He would take naps while I held him. It was the only way. If I needed to cook or take a shower the only thing that would keep him happy was baby einstien. We had all the great toys, bouncers, exersaucers, etc. nothing worked BUT tv.

 

Fast forward to toddler years, he didn't play with toys. Ever. He was labeled a wild child early on by mothers day out. He had lots of energy and was so difficult to control. I equated him to a Tasmanian devil! Once again, the only way to quiet his mind and still his body was tv. Even reading books was a chore. I was tired of being forced to watch cartoons just for a few minutes of quiet so in his room went the tv. He absorbed everything on it. He even began to play a bit while watching.

 

Now he is almost 7. Over the years the tv watching is worse. He has developed random phobias which include parking lots, nail clipping, losing a tooth, and the dark. I know all children are afraid of the dark. My son makes our dd4 sleep in his room (she doesn't care). Our bedroom is diagonal from his. He can see us in bed but it's not enough. Now the tv has become some kind of protector of evil. I've tried turning it off after he is asleep and leaving all the lights on only to wake to terrifying screams. He must have it on but I've finally been able to turn it all the way down after he passes out. He does not have a hard time sleeping and is asleep by 9 most nights.

 

So I guess what I am saying is that I don't know that it's the right thing to do, but I don't know what the alternatives are either. We've tried letting him fall asleep to audio books or reading to him and he will listen, but demands the tv to be on. I feel like I've got Jimmy Jet and the TV set playing out in my sons bedroom. This is just one aspect of the other quirky things he does. It feels like such a relief to type it out. Thanks for reading.

[*********]

You poor thing. :grouphug: to you. And your boy.

 

First of all, your boy is ok. But he sounds like he has anxiety. My son Zee, who is 8, does, too. He doesn't have anything related to TV, but he is a very anxious child.

 

Talking things out with him helps IMMENSLY. If you're a believer (sorry I can't remember if you are or not), scripture study with him helps a lot too, as well as prayer.

 

We tried a Christian counselor, but honestly, Zee got over some of his worst anxieties with just what we were doing at home. Talk him through the worst case scenario, and help him see for himself that it's very unlikely for something bad to happen. And then talk about how you and he would deal if that bad thing DID happen. It can be exhausting, quite frankly, but it did help my son.

 

Just keep talking talking talking. Help him process it. I believe with my son, it was a cognitive development sort of thing. His thinking just got 'stuck', if you will, and talking it out with him helped him be able to reason things out by himself.

 

Of course, if you can't help him on your own, counseling may be in order. And there is medication, although that's not something dh was comfortable considering for our son. By the grace of God, we don't need to, at least now.

 

Some books that were recommended to me by other Hive members, that helped a LOT:

 

Freeing Your Child From Anxiety and What to do When Your Brain Gets Stuck

 

Most importantly, know that you're not alone, that your boy is not 'broken' or whatever you fear. :grouphug: Feel free to pm me if you'd like.

[southernm]

Bethany- thank you so very much. The book on anxiety is just what I need! We have figured out to talk a lot. He has matured quite a bit and will now have, "talks" with himself. I just get so frustrated. We have huge drama right now because his tooth is lose. Normally, he will bring up the possibility of a lose tooth ever few weeks as in, "when will my tooth be lose, which one will it be etc ". Now that he has an actual lose one, man oh man. It is a nightmare. Last night I got frustrated and thought, "I just want him to be normal". That made me feel terrible. I know that I'm his biggest advocate and I need to help him in every way, but it's just so tiring and frustrating.

[StephanieZ]

It sounds like you've had your hands full! (((hugs)))

 

If I were you, I'd seek professional guidance on weaning your son off of the TV and dealing with his other issues. I would ask your pediatrician for a referral to a child psychologist or psychiatrist.

 

Having a TV on so many hours each day is not something I would be able to tolerate. I would also not want my other child exposed to the TV so much, so if for some reason I decided to allow the one child the TV, I would definitely not allow my other child to sleep in the room.

 

Good luck!

[Wheres Toto]

My son is similar to your son with the never sleeping even as a baby, known as the wild child wherever we go.

 

When he's playing at home the only way for him to actually slow down and play is with the television on. He barely watches it other than to glance up every so often but the background noise seems to calm him down. Without it he is either literally bouncing off the walls (he'll put a blanket over his head and run until he hits something or just walk around rebounding off the walls) or he tries to play and jumps up every 2 seconds.

 

We don't have it on during school or any structured activities. It's just his "free play" time that he needs it.

 

He also has the television on for "quiet" time to settle him down in bed and we turn it off once he's asleep. We're careful of what he watches and we have one movie in particular that is very soothing to him and puts him right to sleep.

 

All kids are different in their needs and what is the worse thing possible for one may be the best thing for another.

Edited December 15, 2011 by dottieanna29

[*********]

Bethany- thank you so very much. The book on anxiety is just what I need! We have figured out to talk a lot. He has matured quite a bit and will now have, "talks" with himself. I just get so frustrated. We have huge drama right now because his tooth is lose. Normally, he will bring up the possibility of a lose tooth ever few weeks as in, "when will my tooth be lose, which one will it be etc ". Now that he has an actual lose one, man oh man. It is a nightmare. Last night I got frustrated and thought, "I just want him to be normal". That made me feel terrible. I know that I'm his biggest advocate and I need to help him in every way, but it's just so tiring and frustrating.

 

Oh you poor thing. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling; it's what I go through with Zee. And the first time he lost a tooth, he FREAKED out too. :001_smile: I even posted about it on here.

 

Chin up. Keep plugging along, and all that. If you keep helping him, or find him the help he needs if you feel you need to, he WILL get better.

Edited December 15, 2011 by bethanyniez

[Spock]

If turning the sound off on the TV works, but using audio books/music CDs doesn't, maybe it's the visual aspect of the TV that comforts/calms him. Could you try one of those DVDs available in Sams, etc that has visuals of a burning fireplace or of a fish tank or of a mountain scene? Maybe the quiet moving picture without the stories would work. Or maybe a nature documentary or home-made videos of the family doing things together or something like that would be an improvement for the meantime. Alternatively, maybe a real fish tank with a light?

 

These would all be temporary solutions, but might do to help wean him from TV while you are looking for the root causes of his anxiety or whatever.

[Bootsie]

I can relate. DS has always had trouble sleeping. As a toddler he could manage to stay awake for over 36 hours at a time. DD has never had trouble like this. We tried all of the routines, eating particular foods, avoiding particular foods, plenty of exercise, etc. and nothing worked. One night we were watching Star Wars as a family and he fell asleep. This happened several times and we put a small TV in his room for him to watch videos at night. That has helped so much. He seems to need to be able to be engrossed in something to relax and "turn his mind off." (If he reads a book he starts asking "what if?" and his mind just starts racing.) Also, if he didn't fall asleep, at least others in the household were getting some sleep.

 

DS doesn't need the TV on all night and he doesn't have cable; so he only has access to videos that we have already approved. DD has never asked for a TV to be in her room.

 

I have a cousing with an autistic child and the only way the child will sleep is with a TV on. For her, the TV needs to stay on all night.

 

Speaking of TV watching and anxiety my ds has some minor anxiety issues; he is older than your ds, but one thing that we found has helped is watching the TV show Monk. DS enjoys watching Monk and we have found that it helps when he starts going down certain paths that lead to a lot of anxiety to say "Monk" and he can sometimes back off from his anxiety.

[angela in ohio]

It sounds like you've had your hands full! (((hugs)))

 

If I were you, I'd seek professional guidance on weaning your son off of the TV and dealing with his other issues. I would ask your pediatrician for a referral to a child psychologist or psychiatrist.

 

Having a TV on so many hours each day is not something I would be able to tolerate.

 

:iagree:

 

Sleep is disrupted by light and noise, and the lack of sleep will in turn fuel the anxieties. It's a vicious cycle that will be difficult to break alone. I second the recommendation for outside help.

 

When my ds was an infant, the only thing that would soothe him was Finding Nemo. Dh would sit up for hours watching it over and over with him (he hates the movie now. :D) If it wasn't on, he would scream. My older dds also cried a lot, but we never found anything effective for them. And my oldest had severe anxiety and night terrors for years when she was about his age, so I totally understand. :grouphug:

[Tarreymere]

In the tv poll I mentioned that my adult son-in-law had a tv in every room of the house except the bathroom. Usually most of them are on. He is a very ADHD kind of guy who has spent so much time in Iraq over the last several years that he probably feels more like a native of the Middle East than an American. He finds the tv soothing, and I wonder if he has some kind of anxiety or PTSD going on..........I can see where the tv would be a distraction from the racing thoughts, ect.

[Parrothead]

My only thought is to take him in for an eval. OT might help him a great deal.

[In the Rain]

No advice, just :grouphug:

[southernm]

Thanks for all the replies. It really helps! We were on the verge of shelling out the $3,000 it will cost for ds to be completely evaluated. Things were coming to a point where I worried about his safety. He was beginning to hit his head in anger. Dh is still learning that you can not joke with ds at. all. Dh thought it would be funny to pretend like ds was in trouble for something. Ds was so upset when he figured it out (30 sec later) that he threw a punch at dh that nearly connected. It was an eye opener for sure. It was at that point that we pulled him from ps (only two weeks in). Since then, he has made great strides and has calmed down a lot. Part of me worries that by having him at home gets him out of facing whatever problems he may have. We are facing yet another move. When we get wherever we are going I will have him evaluated. He has not suffered any type of trauma, we have moved often though.

[redsquirrel]

You all deserve some outside help with this. You are not living, you are adapting to his issues.

 

Poor kid and poor mama. I really hope you can find the help you need.

[jillian]

No words of wisdom but here are some hugs ((hugs)).

 

I still use the tv at night because I'm afraid of the dark. I have weird feelings about the tv at night but I'm not going to jack your thread.

[southernm]

No words of wisdom but here are some hugs ((hugs)).

 

I still use the tv at night because I'm afraid of the dark. I have weird feelings about the tv at night but I'm not going to jack your thread.

 

It's ok, I don't mind! At night, we leave it on treehouse which is a sprout type channel or his favorite cartoon channel which shows all the retro cartoons.

[justasque]

We were on the verge of shelling out the $3,000 it will cost for ds to be completely evaluated. ... When we get wherever we are going I will have him evaluated.

 

From what you've described, I think this is wise. An evaluation will hopefully help you to pinpoint the specific issue(s) you are dealing with. Is it anxiety alone, or is the anxiety because of an underlying issue (Aspie?). Once you get a better feel for the *reason* for the various behaviors, you can decide how to accommodate his needs while encouraging age-appropriate, disability-appropriate growth/development/education. It will also help to take some of the emotional stress and "why can't he just..." feelings away from you and your dh.

[southernm]

Aspie thoughts have come up but, he doesn't have the social issues. With adults, he is very talkative and not afraid to ask lots of questions. He talks with other kids fine but he does seem to become very immature around new friends. He has a very high vocab and is extremely logical. He is obsessed with all things war right now including war strategy. He has terrible self esteem. We let him play very advanced Xbox games because it's the one thing he feels he is good at. He is a very reluctant reader mainly because if something in his world is difficult he shuts down, gives up, and starts verbally berating himself. Fine motor skills were behind but he seems to have gained confidence. He still cannot ride a bike, tie his shoes, or zip up a jacket. The one things I'm trying to decide how to handle is his "monologues". He will start in on a topic usually related to a game or a battle. He tells me random aspects about and can. Not. Stop. He will usually go on for about 3-5 min. Infomercials are the worst. I was told that I needed to buy the "no no" because it removes hair down to the shaft. I had no idea it was a real product until I caught the commercial. I've been trying not to hurt his feelings so I will say uh-huh until he's done. If I try to interrupt, he talks over me or gets really frustrated.

[BigMamaBird]

What works for one family isn't right for another.

 

I just wanted to personally express that just because we don't allow bedroom TVs for our family doesn't mean we sit in judgement of those who do. Your circumstances are yours to deal with and I would feel awful if I thought my rules made you feel like I though you were a "bad Mom." :grouphug:

[justasque]

Aspie thoughts have come up but, he doesn't have the social issues. With adults, he is very talkative and not afraid to ask lots of questions. He talks with other kids fine but he does seem to become very immature around new friends. He has a very high vocab and is extremely logical. He is obsessed with all things war right now including war strategy. He has terrible self esteem. We let him play very advanced Xbox games because it's the one thing he feels he is good at. He is a very reluctant reader mainly because if something in his world is difficult he shuts down, gives up, and starts verbally berating himself. Fine motor skills were behind but he seems to have gained confidence. He still cannot ride a bike, tie his shoes, or zip up a jacket. The one things I'm trying to decide how to handle is his "monologues". He will start in on a topic usually related to a game or a battle. He tells me random aspects about and can. Not. Stop. He will usually go on for about 3-5 min. Infomercials are the worst. I was told that I needed to buy the "no no" because it removes hair down to the shaft. I had no idea it was a real product until I caught the commercial. I've been trying not to hurt his feelings so I will say uh-huh until he's done. If I try to interrupt, he talks over me or gets really frustrated.

 

Given how you've described him, I would include some Aspie/spectrum assesment as part of his work-up. There's another thread somewhere on here about gifted vs. Aspie that might be worth a read as well.

 

And as several pp's said - what works for one kid, or even 90% of kids, doesn't always work for a particular kid. Don't beat yourself up about the TV, but do let the realization that your child's needs are different than most kids' encourage you to get some help in deciphering his needs/issues so you can be the best parent possible to this particular terrific kid. Good luck! :001_smile:

[gardenmom5]

have you ever had your son evaulated by a developmental pediatrician? there is something going on, and if you can get help, I'd go for it.

[Elizabeth in MN]

My Mom is 67 and does best with the tv on in the background all the time. Drives me batty but keeps her sane. She's one of the smartest and deepest thinking people I know.

 

From what I have read you are doing what is best for your son. These intense kids can be a drain, but honestly I think they will save the world. My daughter spent until the age of about seven or eight needing to be in the exact same room as me. She's grown out of it.

 

Seven is the age of fears, and they grow out of it too. I promise : D

[Coffeetime]

Bethany- thank you so very much. The book on anxiety is just what I need! We have figured out to talk a lot. He has matured quite a bit and will now have, "talks" with himself. I just get so frustrated. We have huge drama right now because his tooth is lose. Normally, he will bring up the possibility of a lose tooth ever few weeks as in, "when will my tooth be lose, which one will it be etc ". Now that he has an actual lose one, man oh man. It is a nightmare. Last night I got frustrated and thought, "I just want him to be normal". That made me feel terrible. I know that I'm his biggest advocate and I need to help him in every way, but it's just so tiring and frustrating.

 

:grouphug: It does sound like your son has anxiety. This is something we've been dealing with with DS 10 for the past year. The phobias, the constant, out of control worry and anxiety over seemingly small things.... It is SO exhausting. Some days we talk through a certain fear 10x a day... and it still plagues him. There are times when I just feel emotionally drained by it. And if I'm that drained, imagine how he feels! It's actually one of the reasons we decided he needed to be in school this year. He needed less time to worry, and he also needed to learn to face fears and realize that it will be okay. It has helped.

I think your son is using the tv as a kind of comfort. It probably helps distract him from the constant worry that goes on in his head. My best advice is to start reading up on childhood anxiety disorders and go from there. You can do some managing of it on your own, once you learn more about it, or you can seek the help of a therapist.

The first time I read about childhood anxiety I actually cried, because for the first time ever someone was describing my son and I felt like I finally understood him.

[Lisbeth]

:grouphug: It's time for that evaluation. I also love the idea of playing a fire or aquatium dvd. I wonder if having an aquarium (real) in his room would help?

[southernm]

:grouphug: It's time for that evaluation. I also love the idea of playing a fire or aquatium dvd. I wonder if having an aquarium (real) in his room would help?

 

I like that idea too. I would love to have an aquarium, but worried about it being in his room. I'm going to try that after we move.

[Terabith]

I think an eval for Aspergers and an OT eval are in order. :grouphug: It definitely sounds like anxiety is a big thing. I was very crunchy, and never, EVER thought I would put a five year old on a psychiatric medication, but we did finally medicate for my dd's anxiety, and it was possibly the best parenting decision we ever made for her.

[angela in ohio]

I like that idea too. I would love to have an aquarium, but worried about it being in his room. I'm going to try that after we move.

 

We put an aquarium in my oldest dd's bedroom when she struggled with anxiety and sleeplessness. We bought large fish and a strong air pump, so that she would have something to watch. It did help her to relax and go to sleep. :001_smile: