We're you ever "broken up with" gently? Need to advice son

[love2read]

Ds 21 has been home from college and told me this morning that over the past three or four weeks he realizes that he really doesn't want to continue the relationship with his girlfriend. They have been seeing each other at college for 2 years and the past 6 months they have been talking marriage. I'm shocked. I know she will be crushed. He's been thinking about it for at least a month and is convinced they need to go their separate ways.

 

He wants my advice on how to break up since he's never done it before. I told him to be honest and gentle, but I'm wondering if there is some other thing that he can do or say so that this blow is not such a shock. Her home situation isn't good (nasty step-father) so this will be especially hard for her to hear over the phone while she's at home. They live almost 600 miles away, to far to do in person.

 

Also, if you were broken up with in a way that was less painful than it might have been, please tell me what the person did.

[Karenciavo]

If they were serious enough to be talking marriage I would want my son to do it in person. Maybe he could drive there with someone.

[Barb_]

Ds 21 has been home from college and told me this morning that over the past three or four weeks he realizes that he really doesn't want to continue the relationship with his girlfriend. They have been seeing each other at college for 2 years and the past 6 months they have been talking marriage. I'm shocked. I know she will be crushed. He's been thinking about it for at least a month and is convinced they need to go their separate ways.

 

He wants my advice on how to break up since he's never done it before. I told him to be honest and gentle, but I'm wondering if there is some other thing that he can do or say so that this blow is not such a shock. Her home situation isn't good (nasty step-father) so this will be especially hard for her to hear over the phone while she's at home. They live almost 600 miles away, to far to do in person.

 

Also, if you were broken up with in a way that was less painful than it might have been, please tell me what the person did.

 

I can't imagine anything that would make it less painful. It's going to be a huge blow to her. I think the kindest thing to do is to hold off until they are back at school. Under the circumstances, it seems he owes her that.

 

Barb

[Parabola]

I'm kinda agreeing with karen with this one. If they were that serious, I would think he kind of owed it to her to do it in person, even if it meant waiting or making big arrangements.

[snickelfritz]

Doing it over the phone, after being serious enough to talk marriage, just doesn't seem right.

 

To me, doing it in person shows a much higher degree of respect. Probably, because it's so stinkin hard.

[Hillary in KS]

I can tell him how not to do it:

 

Don't make a mix tape of break-up songs and mail it to her.

 

My "darling" Mr. B., whom I dated in college, chose this method of breaking-up with me. Charming.

 

I agree with the other posters, though. It should be done in person. The best way is to be kind, and straightforward - no vaguaries, no cliches. Just gentle honesty.

 

It's never easy that way, but it's kinder than a mix-tape.

[Barb_]

I can tell him how not to do it:

 

Don't make a mix tape of break-up songs and mail it to her.

 

My "darling" Mr. B., whom I dated in college, chose this method of breaking-up with me. Charming.

 

I agree with the other posters, though. It should be done in person. The best way is to be kind, and straightforward - no vaguaries, no cliches. Just gentle honesty.

 

It's never easy that way, but it's kinder than a mix-tape.

 

A mix tape? That's just... :::shudder:::

[battlemaiden]

I somewhat disagree.

 

Talking marriage? Shopping for furniture? Just mentioning life together in the future? There are a lot of degrees of serious. You should have him clarify. If they were really planning then perhaps I would say make the trip. But taking a trip to break up isn't great either. I was the breaker upper in this situation and I can tell you it wasn't any better than if I had called. Mad is mad.

 

I think it must be done sooner rather than later- even if this means over the phone. He really needs to be sure, and he needs to be kind, but he can't keep communicating with her- even long distance- if he's being insincere about his emotions.

 

I'm so sorry for your son (and the girl). Heart breaks are never easy.

 

Jo

[Stacy in NJ]

It's like ripping off a band-aid. Do it quickly and firmly (and gently, of course). There's no easy way.

[Jeanne in MN]

Well, I was engaged to "the boy next door" once upon a time and he ended up cheating on me a month into our engagement. He came and told me about it and was pretty remorseful. I appreciated the honesty and the remorse. I didn't appreciate how I was left with questions and no answers. It was really weird because he went ahead and bought an acreage we were looking at buying and he told me he bought it because he had hope we'd be there together and yet he couldn't deal with what he'd done. He couldn't talk about it, it was over and past, he just wanted to bury it. I needed to deal with it and find some closure.

 

So in my mind, do it in person, be honest and straight forward. Give her as clear reasons as he can as to why so she's not left wondering or feeling like it was her "fault". Reassure her of her good qualities.

[love2read]

I appreciate your replies-they've given me some ideas. I agree, he should do it in person but we checked mapquest and it's 16 hours and 20 minutes. I had the mileage wrong. He has a job and even on the weekend driving non stop he can't do it. Please share any other thoughts you have.

[Danestress]

The cleaner the break, the easier. I would not want a man to drive 600 miles to break up with me. I'd prefer a phone call. Honestly, it's really really hard no matter how it's done. It's hard to hurt someone, it's hard to be hurt. There is no easy way. But I personally would go for short and to the point. Since I would be devastated, I'd rather not have the guy sitting right there to see it.

[melissel]

Since I would be devastated, I'd rather not have the guy sitting right there to see it.

 

I was thinking this too. The phone will also give her the ability to take some time to walk away from the discussion and come back to it when she's ready. I don't think it will be a quick thing, though. She'll probably call him and want to to keep talking about it. He should be prepared to be firm but gentle with her.

 

I also think it's better to do it now than at school, because maybe she can take the summer to grieve and be prepared to start school again in September. Waiting until school starts could devastate her whole year.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

Are they in contact right now, even with this distance?

What kind of contact?

If they talk over the phone for now, it's likely she'll see his hesitation when they talk about big plans, like furniture, marriage dates, engagement rings. That would prepare her for the shock to come.

 

I can imagine conversations going like this:

her: Well what do you think about a wedding date in January?

him: well... I don't really know... so-and-so couldn't come. It would be cold and wet and miserable.

her: ok, so what about June?

Him: June??? Too close to the end of year at college, don't you think? we'll be stressed out with exams and preparations.

Her: August?

Him: Too hot

 

etc...

 

This type of conversation over the summer will prepare her for when they meet again in September, and he'll be able to break up in person. It's not ideal, but considering the current situation, it might be worth considering. (ok two 'considering' in the same sentence.. I need writing lessons)

[SnowWhite]

I say if he's considered it carefully and he's sure it's time to move on, he needs to break it off at their next contact. If they're calling each other, he should call her. I agree, he needs to apologize a lot for the emotional damage. I highly disagree that he should let things cool while being evasive. Honesty is the best policy in my experience.

 

I was the recipient of a gentle break-up (but not such a long serious relationship). He tried the cool, evasive technique and that was very painful. Once he finally leveled with me and let me cry it out I felt much better. Wondering, "What's wrong? Did I do something? Is there someone else? How can I get him to act like he used to?" all this is much more devastating than a candid conversation.

[Mrs. Readsalot]

Actually we were planning to get married, the invitations were out etc. I was devastated, felt very alone, and was mad, sad, lost just very emotional. He not only called off the wedding he completely broke off our relationship. Then he actually called me 6 months later and said what a mistake he had made. Please! I also had a bad home environment and felt as though all of my support system had been at school (I had just graduated from college) I woudl have him really think this over carefully. Had him pretend he has broken up with her for a few days etc and see how he feels about it. Have him consider waiting until school is back if most of her close female friends are there so she will have someone to go too.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

I was the recipient of a gentle break-up (but not such a long serious relationship). He tried the cool, evasive technique and that was very painful. Once he finally leveled with me and let me cry it out I felt much better. Wondering, "What's wrong? Did I do something? Is there someone else? How can I get him to act like he used to?" all this is much more devastating than a candid conversation.

 

See, I had the opposite reaction when it was done to me. When he finally decided to break up (in our case, it was face to face all along, not over the phone), I just couldn't wait for the relationship to be over. "come on weasel, say it!" I didn't cry once.

 

It would seem it depends on the personality of the people involved.

[starlashine]

My vote is for writing her a very sincere letter. It's personal, gives him enough space to tell her why, and you can help him with it so it is as "nice" as possible. I believe it should be done before they are back at school, so she has time to deal with it. I would also stress that he tell her specific reasons why, as many as he can think of. It may be painful for her for him to be so honest, initially, but in the long run it will help her deal with it quicker. I have spent way too much time wondering why this or that person didn't want me anymore. I would also say that dragging it out over the phone over the summer would harm more than hurt, imho. She'll be able to feel the distance, may start arguments, and the breakup would be bloodier in the long run. Quickly and cleanly is best, but make sure he tells her why. If it is just a feeling for him, then have him try very hard to find some reasons, give her something to help her make sense of it. HTH

jen

[battlemaiden]

I was thinking this too. The phone will also give her the ability to take some time to walk away from the discussion and come back to it when she's ready. I don't think it will be a quick thing, though. She'll probably call him and want to to keep talking about it. He should be prepared to be firm but gentle with her.

 

I also think it's better to do it now than at school, because maybe she can take the summer to grieve and be prepared to start school again in September. Waiting until school starts could devastate her whole year.

 

This was what I tried to say. I did travel a long distance to break up and it was uncomfortable for him to face me. He was extremely surprised and mad (he was much more serious about the relationship than I was- I needed to break up before a proposal arrived). It stunk all the way around.

 

I think a sincere heartfelt phone call with a follow up letter could cover all the bases. But as was noted, personalities are highly variable in these situations.

 

Jo

[Laurie4b]

What is devastating is the sense of rejection of your SELF. What is helpful in breaking up is:

 

 

1) Tell her it that the "fit" isn't right. The "fit" perspective means she isn't defective; it means she's not the right one for him. Any other way you spin it, she'll end up feeling defective: if only her thighs were slimmer, if only she hadn't done x, if only she could be as social as Y, etc.

 

2) Affirm what is good about her: I still think you are intelligent, fun, beautiful. Tell her that he will be praying for the right guy to come along and for a long and happy marriage (and do that for her)

 

3) She will need time to grieve. She will need time to process and talk. It's not going to be done all in one phone call. Allow her to call back without being pulled back into the relationship.

 

Open the call with a brief warning of what's to come. (Cops and people trained to break bad news to people do this.) "Girlfriend, this phone call is going to be a hard one for me...I have some bad news.... I've been thinking about our relationship and I just don't think we're the right fit. Then let her react. Say the "not the right fit" thing repeatedly.

 

Follow up the phone conversation with a letter about the good memories he'll carry, his affirmations about her, and the "not the right fit" thing again.

[Dawn E]

She'll need closure, and you just don't get closure from a phone call. You need to be able to look someone in the eye. Even if he does have an initial "we need to talk" conversation over the phone, he will still need to quickly follow up with a face-to-face talk. In fact, if they were this serious there will probably be many more discussions. Doing the right thing is rarely easy, and the "easy" thing is rarely right. I'm not saying breaking up over the phone would be easy for him, but we all know handing over that kind of news without having to look at a person is definitely easier than the alternative.

[Tracey in TX]

DS knows her best and should be able to determine what style of break-up would be the least painful way for her to deal with the blow. I need time to process information, so an initial call to discuss knowing there would be a follow-up conversation to be able to ask 'why' and voice my sadness and possible anger is best.

 

He should be willing to fly to her home if necessary. Any relationship deep enough to consider marriage should warrant the funds to do the right thing if necessary.

 

Wishing your DS the best (and his girlfriend) through this process,

[Eleni]

i think the most memorable break up I ever had was from my bf SR yr of high school.

I came home one night to see there was a message on my answering machine...I played it and it was a blues song, I figured it was from him since he always left weird messages.

The next day was graduation. He saw me and said "Did you get my message?" I said yes...he then said "Ok...that was a break up song, do you wanna break up" I laughed and said sure.

 

Then I started dating dh and the rest is history. :D

 

I really dont have any good advice on breakups....

[Laura K (NC)]

A guy can't go on pretending like he still loves a girl when he doesn't... especially for the whole summer. She could be putting too much hope into fall, and that could *really* kill her, to know he's been stringing her along for all this time.

 

He needs to do it now.

 

But then I've got to wonder... surely, if they have been serious about their relationship, they are talking every day. If they are talking, they should talk through this piece at a time. It need not be black or white all at once. If he has met someone else and just wants to date around, he should hold off until he is sure the other girl is completely free herself. It's only fair. If the issue is that the long distance relationship is too hard, he needs to let her know now that it's too hard. If it's that she is too smothering, he needs to let her know, and he needs to explore his own feelings by talking it out with her. If the issue is that he's not emotionally ready for marriage and she is, then he needs to be able to discuss this now by maybe bringing up the different aspects of marriage... finances, children, extended family, etc. If he is uncomfortable discussing these things, he needs to let her know that he's uncomfortable discussing them and why.

 

This is a perfect opportunity for him to understand what communication is like in a successful marriage. Talking now with a girlfriend is very, very good practice. He needs to work on that communication, not just be silent and then hit her with something big. Bad marriages work that way. Good marriages really lay it all out.

 

My dh and I were in a long distance relationship for almost all of our time together before we were married. It's a good way to foster good communication skills. This is a great learning experience for the OP's son.

[Emmy]

I say if he's considered it carefully and he's sure it's time to move on, he needs to break it off at their next contact. If they're calling each other, he should call her. I agree, he needs to apologize a lot for the emotional damage. I highly disagree that he should let things cool while being evasive. Honesty is the best policy in my experience.

 

I was the recipient of a gentle break-up (but not such a long serious relationship). He tried the cool, evasive technique and that was very painful. Once he finally leveled with me and let me cry it out I felt much better. Wondering, "What's wrong? Did I do something? Is there someone else? How can I get him to act like he used to?" all this is much more devastating than a candid conversation.

 

:iagree: with all of that. Letting it ride over the summer would be cruel.

[6packofun]

Also, if you were broken up with in a way that was less painful than it might have been, please tell me what the person did.

 

I think it should be done in person and, as you said, honest, but gentle.

 

The only time I was broken up with in a mature way (for high school age! LOL) was when my boyfriend told me that he realized that I wasn't God's will for him and that he knew if he stood in the way of THAT, that he would be robbing us both of the future we deserved. He really *cared* about me and that I would be free to continue on to find someone "right" someday and not just about his own freedom from me...LOL It was a good relationship, but we were young and got serious too quickly. His honesty and good sense about not staying just to stay made it less painful for me.

[Barb_]

Actually we were planning to get married, the invitations were out etc. I was devastated, felt very alone, and was mad, sad, lost just very emotional. He not only called off the wedding he completely broke off our relationship. Then he actually called me 6 months later and said what a mistake he had made. Please! I also had a bad home environment and felt as though all of my support system had been at school (I had just graduated from college) I woudl have him really think this over carefully. Had him pretend he has broken up with her for a few days etc and see how he feels about it. Have him consider waiting until school is back if most of her close female friends are there so she will have someone to go too.

 

You know, this is a really good point. Last night I was trying to come up with a way to ask, "Is he really certain this is what he wants?" the right way. Is he just having cold feet? How did he get to the point of talking marriage with a girl he really isn't interested in? Did she change? Did he? Or did he just go along with things incrementally, following her lead in order not to hurt her feelings and wind up further down the path than he intended? He should probably be honest in his reasons and take on a lot of the fault for the breakup. Talking about marriage and then running the other way seems pretty dishonest unless there is something he has learned about her that justifies it.

 

Barb

[Rosie_0801]

My vote is for writing her a very sincere letter. It's personal, gives him enough space to tell her why, and you can help him with it so it is as "nice" as possible. I believe it should be done before they are back at school, so she has time to deal with it. I would also stress that he tell her specific reasons why, as many as he can think of. It may be painful for her for him to be so honest, initially, but in the long run it will help her deal with it quicker. I have spent way too much time wondering why this or that person didn't want me anymore. I would also say that dragging it out over the phone over the summer would harm more than hurt, imho. She'll be able to feel the distance, may start arguments, and the breakup would be bloodier in the long run. Quickly and cleanly is best, but make sure he tells her why. If it is just a feeling for him, then have him try very hard to find some reasons, give her something to help her make sense of it. HTH

jen

 

Yeah. I think some things ought to be done if not in person, then with expensive stationary. That way she can write and re-write replies until she's exhausted everything she feels she needs to say. She might post them, but that doesn't mean he has to read them. A handwritten letter is so out of the ordinary it ought to prepare her a bit. I think the only polite thing to say is "I haven't met anyone else, I just need to be single. I hope you can find someone who is ready to make the commitments you are."

Perhaps changing his answering machine message to "I am feeling lousy and won't be answering the phone for a few weeks" would help, in case she's silly enough to ring. But he'd better make sure he gives work an alternative number...

Break ups are so horrible. :(

Rosie

[Karen sn]

If he cares anything at all for her - he will suck it up (time wise and expense wise) and do it in person. 2 years is a long time to dump someone on the phone. Although it has been done before!

 

Getting dumped sucks. But if the dumper makes an effort and really cares - it can be less horrible for the dumpee.