s/o Motherhood and appreciation

[twoforjoy]

I was just thinking of this reading the couple of posts in the Mission of Motherhood thread.

 

I hear a lot of people talk about how motherhood is so unappreciated, how you are lauded for doing anything in the world but being a mom, that it's the most important job in the world but nobody gives moms credit, etc.

 

I don't know about all that, honestly. The thing is, are other jobs really all that appreciated? My husband is a full-time research associate. As far as I can tell, people don't come up to him very often telling him how important his job is or how much they appreciate him. I teach writing part-time, and I don't think anybody has ever told me how much they appreciate what I do or how important it is. In fact, I've gotten far more positive, supportive, encouraging comments about being home with my kids and homeschooling than I do about my outside-the-home work. It's not that people criticize my teaching job, they just don't laud me for having it, in any way.

 

Maybe if you're a brain surgeon or a senator or a CEO people are always telling you how important you are and how much they appreciate what you do. I don't know. But I don't think most people are getting that kind of affirmation for what they do.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that moms aren't under-appreciated; I think I'm saying that maybe we under-appreciate most things that people do. I'm guessing my mail carrier doesn't have people telling her how much they appreciate what she does and how important it is on anything like a regular basis--although it is really important and I do appreciate it! My mom was a preschool teacher for years, and I'm not aware of anybody ever telling her how she was doing such an important, appreciated job. My MIL worked as a cashier at Caldor for many years, and I know that nobody ever told her those things.

 

I'm just wondering where this idea that moms/SAHMs are uniquely unappreciated comes from, and if it's realistic. It just doesn't seem realistic to me, because it seems part of this idea that women are loudly applauded for having careers, which just isn't the case. Most jobs that most women do are just as unappreciated as being a SAHM, and that's true for most men, too. And I think maybe it breeds a certain amount of resentment in SAHMs, who are being sent a message that if they were doing anything else, they'd be like showered with praise and admiration, when that's just not the case.

 

I don't know. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. It's one of those things that was in my brain that I just needed to get out. And it's making me think that maybe I need to do a better job showing my appreciation for the many things that the people I know do.

[jillian]

I think a lot of people think this way because a lot of times they hear how women are supposed to go out and be just as good as a man. Do the same jobs. Take on the same things. Be the same. Gender equality and all of that. We are told from a very young age through society and media how it is soooooo important to go out and be the superwoman--take on motherhood, being a wife and having a successful job. Societies standards give women a big beating. That is why that image of "just a mom" is thought of as less by others.

[twoforjoy]

I think a lot of people think this way because a lot of times they hear how women are supposed to go out and be just as good as a man. Do the same jobs. Take on the same things. Be the same. Gender equality and all of that. We are told from a very young age through society and media how it is soooooo important to go out and be the superwoman--take on motherhood, being a wife and having a successful job. Societies standards give women a big beating. That is why that image of "just a mom" is thought of as less by others.

 

Who is telling us that, though?

 

The thing is, most people don't have a job that other people admire. They have jobs that other people either don't care much about or see as boring/unimportant. So, sure, if you end up being governor, you'll get applauded for that. But if you get the kinds of jobs that most people are getting, you are still not living up to society's standards. You're still not going to be appreciated.

 

I think the anti-feminist backlash in the homeschooling community is based on wrong assumptions. The media isn't telling people, hey, be anything other than a SAHM and you'll be successful. The image of "success" held up is just as out of reach for most women who work outside the home as it is for SAHMs. You don't measure up just because you've got a job: it has to be a very prestigious, very important, very high-paying job. The mom who works as a nurse or a teacher or a construction worker or a cashier or a mail carrier or an administrative assistant or a librarian is no more the "supermom" and no more appreciated/valued/affirmed than the mom who is home full-time.

[Jennifer3141]

I feel appreciated too. And I know DH does and he's not a brain surgeon but he he is a doctor so maybe that it's it?

 

I do think there are lots and lots of jobs that are done daily that the people who perfrom them are not lauded enough for the work they do - auto technicians come to mind. Lots of people look on them with disdain but there's no way in heck I or DH could ever replace a CV boot. :001_smile:

 

Society and women? Or media and women? That's a whole other can of beans though. :(

[dirty ethel rackham]

I think that, for many jobs, the appreciation comes in the form of a paycheck and the occasional performance review. For motherhood, there is no paycheck and no performance review. For me, the critical voice in my head amplifies all my mistakes. I am fortunate, however, that I do have a couple people in my life who affirm my vocation of motherhood. Nothing like an elderly aunt telling me I am doing a good job with my kids to make my day.

[WTMCassandra]

I think some of it has to do with pay. Pay is tangible appreciation. But I did feel more appreciated and valued when I worked outside the home as a technical writer/editor. And it does get to me sometimes. But, fortunately, appreciation is not why I changed careers to become a full-time homeschooling teacher.

[melissel]

:lurk5:

[WishboneDawn]

Motherhood is weird. On one hand we're under-appreciated and the skills we develop aren't valued. On the other motherhood is put up on some pedestal with apple pie and aprons.

 

I resent both myself. I tend to feel the pedestal is what's offered in place of taking us seriously.

[jillian]

Who is telling us that, though?

 

The thing is, most people don't have a job that other people admire. They have jobs that other people either don't care much about or see as boring/unimportant. So, sure, if you end up being governor, you'll get applauded for that. But if you get the kinds of jobs that most people are getting, you are still not living up to society's standards. You're still not going to be appreciated.

 

I think the anti-feminist backlash in the homeschooling community is based on wrong assumptions. The media isn't telling people, hey, be anything other than a SAHM and you'll be successful. The image of "success" held up is just as out of reach for most women who work outside the home as it is for SAHMs. You don't measure up just because you've got a job: it has to be a very prestigious, very important, very high-paying job. The mom who works as a nurse or a teacher or a construction worker or a cashier or a mail carrier or an administrative assistant or a librarian is no more the "supermom" and no more appreciated/valued/affirmed than the mom who is home full-time.

I totally see what your saying. My point is that society, school system, colleges and technical schools, political correctness, the media, all of these individual subsets of the culture at least from what I've seen in the U.S. really makes women feel if they stay at home that they are less than or not as worth. But those moms who work outside of the home aren't doing something as "lowly and demeaning" as just staying home (words and attitudes I have received for being a SAHM and for wanting to continue staying home even after dd is school age. or GASP! for wanting more than one child).

 

FWIW I feel appreciated for being a SAHM. I love being home and taking care of my family but there are those women out there who feel like I am somehow demeaning their choice for being a SAHM and wife. There are men who take delight in the fact that I stay at home because I am still less than them--I'm not competing for their jobs, etc.

[jillian]

Motherhood is weird. On one hand we're under-appreciated and the skills we develop aren't valued. On the other motherhood is put up on some pedestal with apple pie and aprons.

 

I resent both myself. I tend to feel the pedestal is what's offered in place of taking us seriously.

well said. this is what i was trying to say.

[twoforjoy]

Motherhood is weird. On one hand we're under-appreciated and the skills we develop aren't valued. On the other motherhood is put up on some pedestal with apple pie and aprons.

 

I resent both myself. I tend to feel the pedestal is what's offered in place of taking us seriously.

 

Maybe that's it. Maybe I just feel annoyingly patronized when people start in with the "That mean ole feminist society doesn't value what you do, but you are really doing the most important job in the world" stuff, which always feels to me like it should end up a pat on the head and being called "little lady."

[Jennifer3141]

I always think of the trash collectors. That's a stinky, back breaking, thankless job, but what would we do without it?!

 

I was thinking of them too!

 

And telephone repair men. Dang, when something breaks through that line and you're left in the middle of nowhere with no way to communicate out - you'd give that guy ANYTHING when he/she gets to your home!!

 

There are so many jobs like that in the world that we don't notice the people doing them until they strike or something.

[twoforjoy]

I think some of it has to do with pay. Pay is tangible appreciation. But I did feel more appreciated and valued when I worked outside the home as a technical writer/editor. And it does get to me sometimes. But, fortunately, appreciation is not why I changed careers to become a full-time homeschooling teacher.

 

I guess I don't see my paycheck as appreciation. (Maybe if I got paid more, I would!) And certainly I sometimes feel like, by not bringing in a paycheck, I'm not doing enough somehow. I just don't think that has much to do with motherhood being unappreciated, though, but with our value being tied almost completely to our incomes in the larger society. It's not just moms who feel that: it's the unemployed, it's people who are disabled and can't work, it's the retired, it's people receiving government assistance.

 

I do think I feel more appreciated as a mom than I do as a teacher, though. I love my students, but very, very rarely does one of them thank me for something I've done for them. Even more rarely does one of them hug me. My supervisors have never either thanked me or hugged me (which is probably good, because the hugging at least would be kind of weird!).

 

My kids, on the other hand, thank me and hug me all the time, and my husband is very good about appreciating what I do.

[annandatje]

I was just thinking of this reading the couple of posts in the Mission of Motherhood thread.

 

I hear a lot of people talk about how motherhood is so unappreciated, how you are lauded for doing anything in the world but being a mom, that it's the most important job in the world but nobody gives moms credit, etc.

 

I don't know about all that, honestly. The thing is, are other jobs really all that appreciated? My husband is a full-time research associate. As far as I can tell, people don't come up to him very often telling him how important his job is or how much they appreciate him. I teach writing part-time, and I don't think anybody has ever told me how much they appreciate what I do or how important it is. In fact, I've gotten far more positive, supportive, encouraging comments about being home with my kids and homeschooling than I do about my outside-the-home work. It's not that people criticize my teaching job, they just don't laud me for having it, in any way.

 

Maybe if you're a brain surgeon or a senator or a CEO people are always telling you how important you are and how much they appreciate what you do. I don't know. But I don't think most people are getting that kind of affirmation for what they do.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that moms aren't under-appreciated; I think I'm saying that maybe we under-appreciate most things that people do. I'm guessing my mail carrier doesn't have people telling her how much they appreciate what she does and how important it is on anything like a regular basis--although it is really important and I do appreciate it! My mom was a preschool teacher for years, and I'm not aware of anybody ever telling her how she was doing such an important, appreciated job. My MIL worked as a cashier at Caldor for many years, and I know that nobody ever told her those things.

 

I'm just wondering where this idea that moms/SAHMs are uniquely unappreciated comes from, and if it's realistic. It just doesn't seem realistic to me, because it seems part of this idea that women are loudly applauded for having careers, which just isn't the case. Most jobs that most women do are just as unappreciated as being a SAHM, and that's true for most men, too. And I think maybe it breeds a certain amount of resentment in SAHMs, who are being sent a message that if they were doing anything else, they'd be like showered with praise and admiration, when that's just not the case.

 

I don't know. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. It's one of those things that was in my brain that I just needed to get out. And it's making me think that maybe I need to do a better job showing my appreciation for the many things that the people I know do.

 

:iagree:

 

Motherhood definitely is unappreciated in terms of financial compensation.

 

When a woman chooses to leave (or never enter) the paying workforce, she becomes dependent upon her husband's benevolence. Sure, the household income theoretically belongs to both partners, but that is not always the way it works out in real life. Should the marriage go awry, a SAHM can possibly find herself remaining in unfulfilling marriage because of financial constraints.

 

As for other peoples' possible underappreciation of motherhood, my first response is why do we need outside validation of our career choices? It is up to the individual to find a satisfying life's work or mission for herself, whether that be a SAHM, WAHM, WOHM, or the acronym of her choice.

 

I believe it is emotional hyperbole when people claim that parenthood is the hardest job and most underappreciated. There are many careers that are essential to a well functioning society, yet no one fawns over those workers. Almost anybody can be a parent. To perform adequately as a parent, one needs emotional maturity,mental stability, compassion, an understanding of human development, and sufficient time and financial resources for rearing children.

 

Speaking purely from personal experience, I have worked both as a mother and as a professional. Hands down, motherhood was the easier of the two in spite of having special needs child.

[twoforjoy]

As for other peoples' possible underappreciation of motherhood, my first response is why do we need outside validation of our career choices? It is up to the individual to find a satisfying life's work or mission for herself, whether that be a SAHM, WAHM, WOHM, or the acronym of her choice.

 

Right. And, in most cases, no matter what you choose, you simply are not going to get that kind of outside validation. Unless you have an extremely important and prestigious job, it's very, very unlikely that you're going to be receiving the kind of ongoing, outside affirmation that it sometimes seems like writing aimed at moms/homeschoolers assumes is the norm for anybody working outside the home.

 

But, again, maybe I'm biased, because as somebody who works a not-prestigious part-time job and also homeschools, I can say that, hands down, my kids and husband are way more appreciative of me than my students or employer. I get much more validation from them than I get for my teaching.

[twoforjoy]

Since I've got this on my mind this morning, I'm going to add one more thought.

 

I wonder how much of it is due to the fact that many of us, I'm guessing, were probably good kids and good students, and used to getting a lot of validation. I was an excellent student. I got a lot of praise and encouragement and affirmation from my teachers growing up. All the way up until grad school, actually. Then, all of a sudden, I was just one of a bunch of good students, and I didn't get the kind of effusive praise I got before that. And then, once I was done with school, nobody was praising me! Nobody was telling me what a smart girl I was.

 

It honestly took quite a while for me to adjust to that, to life without that kind of evaluation and affirmation. It also makes me think about how to walk that line with my kids, between genuinely affirming them and validating achievement, and making them dependent upon that as the source of their self-worth or even their whole identity. It took me a very long time to figure out who I was once "good girl" and "good student" weren't applicable any more. I think maybe it can be very easy to want to have "good worker" or "good mother" replace that, by having other people validate your success in those roles, but in general I think that sort of affirmation is much less forthcoming for most people.

[angela in ohio]

I don't get it either. People tell me all the time how wonderful it is that I am home with my dc, that it's such a sacrificial and honorable work, and they praise my kids to me. It actually makes me feel a little bad, because I don't think I deserve it. :D Like a pp said, maybe I'm just lucky. My dc are also incredibly appreciative; I probably get more affirmation than the average person doing any other job.

 

My dh has a very hard job where he is constantly fighting with people and organizations to get what is right for special needs kiddos. And he gets a pay decrease every year for it! :glare: But he still has plenty of people who praise him for his help, and he gets to know that he made a difference in someone's life. And we are appreciative of anyone who does anything for us. We do thank our garbagemen, and I bet other people do, too.

 

So I can see both sides. I really think I get more praise and thanks than those doing other jobs, but I don't think all moms get that.

[jillian]

Since I've got this on my mind this morning, I'm going to add one more thought.

 

I wonder how much of it is due to the fact that many of us, I'm guessing, were probably good kids and good students, and used to getting a lot of validation. I was an excellent student. I got a lot of praise and encouragement and affirmation from my teachers growing up. All the way up until grad school, actually. Then, all of a sudden, I was just one of a bunch of good students, and I didn't get the kind of effusive praise I got before that. And then, once I was done with school, nobody was praising me! Nobody was telling me what a smart girl I was.

 

It honestly took quite a while for me to adjust to that, to life without that kind of evaluation and affirmation. It also makes me think about how to walk that line with my kids, between genuinely affirming them and validating achievement, and making them dependent upon that as the source of their self-worth or even their whole identity. It took me a very long time to figure out who I was once "good girl" and "good student" weren't applicable any more. I think maybe it can be very easy to want to have "good worker" or "good mother" replace that, by having other people validate your success in those roles, but in general I think that sort of affirmation is much less forthcoming for most people.

I think this is an important point, especially to me. Thank you for bringing it up.

 

For example, I have been really feeling a little, okay a lot, lost and under appreciated. Why? I think you hit the nail on the head here for me at least. I am probably one of the younger members on the board, just turned 25 in April this year. I have always had the validation for what I did with school, with the jobs I head (you know, the "thanks for picking this shift up" or the "thanks for staying late") and now I am a SAHM and before that I was a stay-at-home-wife/homemaker for my husband. I am still reconciling a lot of the thoughts/ideas I had about who I would be/what I wanted when I was a teenager/before kids with my reality now (even though I wouldn't change a thing).

[LibraryLover]

I think appreciation starts in our own back yard. "I could never homeschool. How can you do that?! “Is not a bash against hsing, and the answer, 'because I like being with my children', implies the working mother with children in school does not. Marginalization is not appreciation. (Not to sound like I’m challenging Al Sharpton. lol)

 

I miss my old job at times, and I also often wonder how I manage to hs. lol I think lots of us wonder. The vent posts here are not infrequent, kwim? When people ask how I do it, I do sometimes say, "I have no idea", especially in February or when we were outsourcing high school Chemistry or other subjects we felt we couldn't do justice. Is that even hsing? When people say, "I could never do that", I believe them, because sometimes I don't even know how I do it. Most people don't homeschool-- now or in the past. The wealthy Greek or Roman mother had tutors for her children, and slaves to cook their meals. (Trying to give this a classical bent ;)). Slaves were slaves and didn't have the luxury to focus on their own children. To add a 'rugged American' anecdote, even Laura Ingalls went to school, yet she was not 'raised' by an 'institution', unless one is calling a family an institution, which, btw, it is. :)

 

Appreciating the mother who understands her own limitations (I cannot/ do not want to HS) is a start. The mothers I know who do not hs, do think hsing mothers are quite 'amazing' to take on the difficult task of hsing. OTOH, some hsing mothers flat -out say mothers who don't homeschool don't care, and are 'letting' 'institutions' 'raise' their children.

 

We can at least own and change what we can own and change.

Edited October 14, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Garga]

Since I've got this on my mind this morning, I'm going to add one more thought.

 

I wonder how much of it is due to the fact that many of us, I'm guessing, were probably good kids and good students, and used to getting a lot of validation. I was an excellent student. I got a lot of praise and encouragement and affirmation from my teachers growing up. All the way up until grad school, actually. Then, all of a sudden, I was just one of a bunch of good students, and I didn't get the kind of effusive praise I got before that. And then, once I was done with school, nobody was praising me! Nobody was telling me what a smart girl I was.

 

It honestly took quite a while for me to adjust to that, to life without that kind of evaluation and affirmation. It also makes me think about how to walk that line with my kids, between genuinely affirming them and validating achievement, and making them dependent upon that as the source of their self-worth or even their whole identity. It took me a very long time to figure out who I was once "good girl" and "good student" weren't applicable any more. I think maybe it can be very easy to want to have "good worker" or "good mother" replace that, by having other people validate your success in those roles, but in general I think that sort of affirmation is much less forthcoming for most people.

 

 

This is ME.

 

I was the "brain" at school. I got the highest raises in my department at work. My co-workers respected me. I had a reputation for being the go-to person, and I received a lot of compliments on the job.

 

Maybe if I were like the examples in the OP, and had a job where no one verbally appreciated me, I wouldn't miss it as a SAHM. But, when I left work, all of a sudden, there weren't the constant pats on the back that I was used to getting to. :tongue_smilie:

 

My dh does tell me I'm great...but he's just one guy.

 

It's been humbling to stay at home and raise kids without the pay raises or verbal respect from my peers. It took me about 6 years to feel at ease with being "just a mom" at all. And sometimes it still chafes. But, at the same time, I LOVE being a mother, and I LOVE staying at home to school the kids!

 

Go figure.

[LibraryLover]

Um, sometimes I wonder if I hit send in my sleep. I hate when I hit send before I edit. lol

[PeacefulChaos]

You know what I have found? That people try to make motherhood out to be a lot harder than it is, sometimes. Like, when a woman is pregnant with her first child, SO many people say things like, 'You're tired? Better get that sleep now, before the baby comes! Once you have kids, you'll never sleep again!' or other things like that. I don't know, it just bothers me.

We did a bible study in our moms group about being 'hidden' from the world, being anonymous for a season of time (in our case, motherhood, particularly if we are sahms or when our kids are young) - but all I could think was, why on earth should we feel like we should be applauded for everything we do?? Why do we feel some need to be seen? Like the OP said, no one is applauding everyone else in all the work they do... it just doesn't make any sense to me. I actually think it is a really selfish mindset that brings about this idea that we all need to be so appreciated and lauded in our chosen profession, be it doctor, sahm, whatever. Why does any external applause matter?

Anyway, that's just my thoughts...

[LibraryLover]

I find motherhood ever more challenging as the kids get older. I don't think I worry more than the next person, but I don't think motherhood isn't difficult and I don't think I'm making it more difficult. I've dealt with birth defects, LDs and emotions that go along with death of loved ones etc it's just basic life, I suppose but I think motherhood can be quite taxing and challenging. I certainly have not sought to make it 'harder than it seems."

[Mommy22alyns]

I think like some others have said, that pay = "appreciation," and moms aren't paid. I think a lot of a person's value to this society is based on their income or income potential. (NOT saying I agree with this!)

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Well a paycheck can be quite affirming.

 

One of the stumbling blocks that I have is a lack of a title or business card. It's hard for me to explain what I do without sounding (even in my own ears sometimes) like I'm a Mad Men era wife at home in a frilly apron.

 

I think that it is also a challenge to describe oneself in terms of being a stay at home parent, because I feel like all the other parents must be thinking that they parent their kids, volunteer for swim team or scouts and have hefty jobs too.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Yep, I'm there with you. Made extra challenging because dh still works in the world of work that I left. So I know just where I would be professionally if I'd stayed.

 

On the other hand, I just cannot think of how we could have had even one kid, let alone three if we both had stayed in that profession. It's pretty tough with only one of us still dancing to that tune.