If you have neighborhood kids play over...I have a question.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Two neighborhood boys that ds5 has been playing with apparently think that playing with my son in the yard = giving them the right to walk into my house without knocking\asking permission. I don't even know the parents of one of them so him coming into my house is already a HUGE no-no, but it's actually more about the rudeness and assumption. These boys are in 1st and 2nd grade. I've explained to them three times now that they are not to come into my house unless 1. I invite them in or 2. ds5 asks me permission to have them come in (which I wouldn't say yes to for one of them anyway).

 

Today, I heard ds say to them to wait on the porch for him because he had to come in and go to the bathroom. He came in and about a minute later they both just barged in the door and came strolling into the kitchen. I asked them if they had forgotten the rule about not coming in and the older one said, "No I didn't forget, but he (meaning my son) came in and we want to play in his room." Uh...NO. I told them if they come in uninvited again that I was going to walk them home and discuss it with their parents.

 

I asked dh about it and he said they just probably aren't even aware of the distinction between house and yard. I don't know though. I've watched my son play outside and he has never just walked into someone's house. In fact I've heard him tell other dc that he isn't allowed in other's houses without my permission.

 

What's your rule? Is there no distinction between house and yard at your home or are they two separate play areas with boundaries not to be crossed without approval?

[KrissiK]

We don't allow neighborhood kids in our house period, unless it's to use the bathroom. I've never had a problem with them not obeying the rules, and if they do come in, I just chase them out. We don't allow our kids in anyone's house, either. The weather is pretty mild around here, so playing outside can be a year round activity. I know it's strange, but we also have a rule about backyards and our kids aren't allowed in anyone's backyard. Mostly because I just want to know where they are and I don't want to go knocking on doors when it's time to come home. I'm not the only parent on the block with this rule, so the kids are all pretty comfortable playing out in front yards and in the street. Our street is very quiet, so that is not a problem.

Edited September 29, 2011 by KrissiK

[momtotkbb]

For us there is no difference bet/ house or yard. I know we have some new neighbors that don't like dc in their home and I just explained that to ds - he found that odd bec we've always had a house full of kids. I explained to the new neighbors that I didn't have a problem w/ kids in my house and they were thrilled to allow their dc to come here to play - the mom just doesn't like children (she has 3). We do have rules about drinks/food, picking up, etc.

 

The not knocking thing we've had a problem with as well as a problem w/ kids letting themselves in our backyard through the fence --both were just issues that I spent a few weeks working on until they finally got what I expected. But, just in case there is a lapse in memory - we installed locks on our fence.

[twoforjoy]

It really depends. In general, I expect that, unless I explicitly say that it's a "yard only" day, kids will come in. And, they'll probably try to anyway, because kids like to come in the house and they forget things. So, if it's a yard-only day, I usually end up issuing quite a few reminders that the can't come in the house.

 

I don't tell DS that he is only allowed in other people's homes if they invite him; if he's invited to play at somebody's house, unless they specify that it's yard only, I assume he can also go in the house. I mean, I expect he'd knock and not just barge in, but I don't expect he'd wait in the yard if the child he was playing with went inside.

 

The exception is our neighbors, whom we share a yard with. When their girls are out playing, DS is allowed to just go out and play with them (obviously, since it's also our yard), but he needs to ask the mom or dad or grandma if he can go over to play before he goes in the house; if the girls say he can go in, that's not enough of an invitation. That's kind of a unique situation, though, because of our yard set-up. In general I'd expect that if he was going to someone's house, he'd also be welcome inside, unless they specifically said they'd only be playing in the yard.

 

It's more a number-of-kids thing for me, with our rules. We have a very small home. We've got three kids of our own in it. I can take one or maybe two more inside, but not much more than that; if all three of ours are awake and in the living room, there's just no space for more than 1 or 2 (maybe 3 if the third is tiny ;)) extra. So, in general, if DS has four or five friends in the yard, which sometimes happens, they aren't coming in unless they need to get a drink or use the bathroom or something. If he's got one or two friends over, they can be either inside or outside, but I do like them to pick and stick with one for a while. What drives me crazy is when they are coming in and out of the house every five minutes (and, even worse, coming in and out out of both doors every five minutes!), and at that point I'll usually banish them to the yard for the rest of playtime. There's only one child who isn't allowed in our house most of the time--not unless I'm available to strictly supervise--and that's because he has stolen stuff in the past.

 

Oh, and the other thing I have a rule about is that, if DS has several friends over, they ALL have to be inside or outside. I've had times when he's had 2 or 3 friends over, and a few want to play outside but others want to be inside, and that doesn't fly here. They don't have to all play together, but they need to either be inside or outside together, because I can't supervise kids in both places.

Edited September 29, 2011 by twoforjoy

[mom4him]

Sorry but I had to chuckle. I was sitting at my desk one day and our one little neighbor boy was suddenly at my elbow. He asks, "Do you want me here?" I told him no and that he needed to go outside and play. LOL We have a few neighbor hood kids that walk in and ask for a drink or go to the bathroom. I guess we do have a more open door policy. As long as my kids are in and out I don't mind if the others are also. They are not allowed to 'play' in the house though unless it is cold and then they knock before they come in.

[LibraryLover]

I have to chortle with jealousy. My house has always been Grand Central Station with kids and in out constantly. Nothing has changed really, except the size of their feet.

 

I know I will be lonely someday, but that day is not today. ;)

[Trilliums]

We do distinguish between inside house and in yard for neighborhood kids, but that is new since moving to this neighborhood. We have one neighbor who teaches piano and during those times her kids might be expected to be outside in their yard only, so if my kids go over they also just stay in the yard. Also, another neighbor would invite DS over for playing in their yard only. So now sometimes I do the same. This is a neighbor kid who is over A LOT. Even her mom jokes about how we have adopted her daughter. In this case, I find limiting visits to outside only works well. Plus, when DH comes home from work, he just prefers to only have our kids inside the house. He needs transition time. :) In general though, I would not expect kids to walk into my house without being invited.

[J-rap]

I think a 5-year-old is old enough to distinguish between a house and a yard. For us, our neighbor children must ask permission to play in our yard, simply because we have a dog in the yard and there is a risk of him escaping every time the gate is open. Five year old children may not be old enough to always double check the gate latch to make sure it's shut properly. Otherwise, I think I'd let them play in the yard without asking, as long as they were responsible.

They would ALWAYS need to ask permission to come inside our house.

[Greeny]

Yeah, we do not allow neighborhood kids in the house and neither do others in my circle of friends. I would say if they continue to break the rules, then they can't play over at your place at all.

[Sun]

I may be the mean mom, but if they walked in the house without permission, I would escort them out and tell them that since they broke our rule, they needed to go home now.

[eternalknot]

As host, I don't distinguish (or mind) between yard and home; it's our default.

 

As guest, I pound into my kids that they're not to go into someone's house without an explicit invitation from the adult (and I remind them that invitations aren't to be solicited). I don't want my kids automatically assuming they're welcome into the homes of others, but honestly I don't mind when other kids do it at our home. Go figure LOL.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Good grief! I was sitting here reading this and the older child just walked in again! I told him I was going to walk him home to explain to his mom what our rules are and he said only his dad was home.:glare: I decided to just send him home. As I mentioned before, I don't know his parents. I told him he could come over tomorrow after school and play OUTSIDE if he could follow the rules. He started yelling at me that he didn't want to go home. I told him he couldn't stay. I watched him walk home to make sure he went. This is a new friend (about 2 weeks); I really don't have the energy to train someone else's child.

 

I guess I'll never be the cool neighborhood mom...I commend those of you who are. I probably could have been 3 kids ago.:tongue_smilie:

[Unicorn.]

As host, I don't distinguish (or mind) between yard and home; it's our default.

 

As guest, I pound into my kids that they're not to go into someone's house without an explicit invitation from the adult (and I remind them that invitations aren't to be solicited). I don't want my kids automatically assuming they're welcome into the homes of others, but honestly I don't mind when other kids do it at our home. Go figure LOL.

 

:iagree: I expect other kids to just come in if they are over here playing, but tell my kids to wait for an invite.

[seraphina]

As host, I don't distinguish (or mind) between yard and home; it's our default.

 

As guest, I pound into my kids that they're not to go into someone's house without an explicit invitation from the adult (and I remind them that invitations aren't to be solicited). I don't want my kids automatically assuming they're welcome into the homes of others, but honestly I don't mind when other kids do it at our home. Go figure LOL.

 

This is how I am although my kids always ask first if someone can come in and 99% of the time I am fine with it. I love that my house is always full of kids, especially now that I have teens. I would much rather have them here where I can keep an eye on them, so I pretty much have an open door policy, if I don't want them here I let them know.

[5LittleMonkeys]

That child made me forget the other question I wanted to ask.

 

Those of you who have an open door, yard=house policy...does it matter if you don't know the child's parents?

[twoforjoy]

Good grief! I was sitting here reading this and the older child just walked in again! I told him I was going to walk him home to explain to his mom what our rules are and he said only his dad was home.:glare:

 

I doubt the kid meant that to be snarky. It's possible, but they probably really thought you meant "mom" when you said "mom," and not that either parent would do.

[amey311]

I've explained to them three times now that they are not to come into my house unless 1. I invite them in or 2. ds5 asks me permission to have them come in (which I wouldn't say yes to for one of them anyway).

 

Today, I heard ds say to them to wait on the porch for him because he had to come in and go to the bathroom.{snip} I asked them if they had forgotten the rule about not coming in and the older one said, "No I didn't forget, but he (meaning my son) came in and we want to play in his room." Uh...NO. I told them if they come in uninvited again that I was going to walk them home and discuss it with their parents.

 

[snip]

What's your rule? Is there no distinction between house and yard at your home or are they two separate play areas with boundaries not to be crossed without approval?

 

I cut some stuff out of your post because I just wanted to highlight the relevant bits. First - it doesn't matter what the rules are at anyone else's house. You've made your rules clear, as evidenced by your first post.

 

Next, it's clear the children in question understand the rules because they said "No I didn't forget, but he came in and we want to play in his room." So, it's not a matter of understanding the rule, it's a matter of choosing to follow it.

 

FWIW, my kids are allowed to play in the front or back of our house. There will be times (I'm looking at you, Saturday morning), when i'm still in pjs, and the boys want to play with the neighbors, so they'll ask if they can go see if Neighbors can play. I state very clearly that they are quite welcome to play with Neighbors OUTSIDE - that I'm still in jammies (at 10am, yes, hush.) and not interested in having Neighbors in the house right now. My boys then stay outside, or they will come in to get something, saying, "Wait right here - I just need my ABC and then I'll be back out." Neighbors wait on the doorstep. neighbors are 7 and 9.

 

That said, I don't understand why it matters that Dad was home instead of mom. Why couldn't you tell Dad that Neighbor kid keeps walking in your house, even though you've told him to stay outside, and that he's not welcome at your house today anymore. He can try again tomorrow. (or whatever).

[KristinaBreece]

We don't know many of our neighbors here yet, but in general, I don't mind kids in our house. I do like them to wait for my permission, but they'll usually be welcome.

 

I do not want my kids going into other people's houses without an invitation and my express permission every time.

[HollyBee]

This is how I am although my kids always ask first if someone can come in and 99% of the time I am fine with it. I love that my house is always full of kids, especially now that I have teens. I would much rather have them here where I can keep an eye on them, so I pretty much have an open door policy, if I don't want them here I let them know.

 

This.

[5LittleMonkeys]

 

That said, I don't understand why it matters that Dad was home instead of mom. Why couldn't you tell Dad that Neighbor kid keeps walking in your house, even though you've told him to stay outside, and that he's not welcome at your house today anymore. He can try again tomorrow. (or whatever).

 

I guess because I'm always leery of talking with men, especially when it's regarding telling them their kid is breaking my rules. I know maybe I shouldn't judge him before I've meet him, but I've had a couple of bad experiences with confrontational men (which already makes me a bit gun shy) and from what I have seen of this man and from what I've heard coming from his house\yard (a lot of yelling) I just would feel uncomfortable going over there without my dh with me or another person present. It may be unwarranted but my gut just tells me to stear clear of the dad. Another neighbor has talked with the mom and said she seemed very nice (hence why I would talk to the mom) but that the dad was standoffish and so they hadn't gotten a chance to meet with him. It's just so hard with neighbors and neighbor's kids sometimes.

[ondreeuh]

We welcome all kids into our house. We have never had a problem ... well one time a boy brought his little brother and the little bro teased our dog, so I finally told them they had to go home. I let them in, I give them a snack, they can use our bathrooms ... never occurred to me to do otherwise. We have always had small houses so they're under my supervision anyway.

 

I assume that kids are following their own parents' rules, and if the kids want to come over I assume it's OK with their families. I'm talking about kids who are 8+. With five-year-olds, I would double-check that they have asked their parents. I would NOT assume 5 y/os are going to remember the rules. The day we moved into this village we had kids at the door wanting to come in and meet us. We let them in. Most every day, kids come over wanting to come in and play and unless we are busy I always say yes. Around here, kids have a lot of freedom and I know their parents don't mind, and I think it helps to keep the friendships positive. Honestly it's when they are out running around someone gets too bossy or starts teasing. At my house, everyone behaves.

[amey311]

I guess because I'm always leery of talking with men, especially when it's regarding telling them their kid is breaking my rules. I know maybe I shouldn't judge him before I've meet him, but I've had a couple of bad experiences with confrontational men (which already makes me a bit gun shy)

 

Gotcha.

[Jen in PA]

As host, I don't distinguish (or mind) between yard and home; it's our default.

 

As guest, I pound into my kids that they're not to go into someone's house without an explicit invitation from the adult (and I remind them that invitations aren't to be solicited). I don't want my kids automatically assuming they're welcome into the homes of others, but honestly I don't mind when other kids do it at our home. Go figure LOL.

 

Same here. I would be annoyed, though, if I had made it clear that the children were not to come inside but did so anyway.

[KristinaBreece]

That child made me forget the other question I wanted to ask.

 

Those of you who have an open door, yard=house policy...does it matter if you don't know the child's parents?

 

Yes. In our old neighborhood, everyone knew each other, so it wasn't an issue.

[WIS0320]

All the kids on our cul de sac are about the same age and they do play in all the yards and they do move in and out of the houses. It isn't a big deal to me or apparently to the other parents.

 

We also do not allow our children to play outside without an adult as my oldest is a 6 year old/first grader and so it isn't really a problem. I can tell if they want to come inside and play and we all just seem to move along with the kids. I will say that I have put boundaries on play in our house after play has happened and a huge mess has been created and left behind for my children and me to clean up alone. I don't think that is entirely fair and the kids all know now that if they all play together, they all have to pick up together or there is a week long break from play dates inside.

 

I should add that I am very friendly with all the parents and we have a very social neighborhood with lots of cul de sac cookouts, Bunco, poker nights for the guys, book clubs and so on. We even hosted two neighbor families for Christmas dinner last year. So, that may be why we are all so flexible with the kids playing together inside or outside.

[Riverland]

When a new family moved to the neighborhood, the oldest boy was the right age to play with my youngest kids (middle school age). The neighbor boy has social delays, so I would just gently remind him to knock first when he barged into the house looking for my kids.

 

He took that literally, and would knock first, then barge in:001_smile:. Again, I gently explained to him to knock, then wait for someone to answer the door. Well, if we didn't answer fast enough, he banged louder and louder and LOUDER.

 

He eventually learned. He really is a sweet kid and we enjoyed having him over.

 

Unfortunately, the mom started sending his 2 younger siblings over with him. Soon I had a 4 year old sneaking into my 13 yo ds's room and messing with his stuff when he wasn't home. I felt like I was babysitting the 4 year old....I WAS babysitting the 4 year old. I spoke a bit with the mom, and her philosophy was "if big brother gets to play, then so do the younger siblings."

 

We instituted an outside only rule with this family and began locking the door (since now the youngest was barging in). They rarely come over anymore, which makes me a bit sad. The oldest boy really could have benefited from the social interaction with my kids and my kiddo misses playing with him.

[nowimscrappin]

If they are playing with my kids, I would expect in and out, whether its my kid or the neighbor kid. I don't expect them to knock because they need to use the bathroom - I would expect them to come in the door and just yell that they need to use the bathroom while they were on the way, just like my kid. If one of them needed a nerf gun, etc, I'd expect one to walk in - whether it was my son or the neighbor. I don't distinguish inside / outside playing at my house - although sometimes when my kids want to play at another's house I specify I want them playing outside - mainly if I think they've been inside too much and need to be ouside.

 

But, I was raised in an environment where people just knocked and walked on in. It was not unusual growing up for us to come home from dinner and find a note on the kitchen table from someone who stopped by and we weren't home. We have people over here for meetings, etc, and I have told them that I fully expect them to just knock and come on in if we are expecting them.

[inmyopinion]

I had to deal with this today. We have a kindergarten age girl who lives across the street and I made her and my daughter go to the mom and ask each time they moved, from the front yard to the back yard, then the back yard to inside. This way, the mom knows where she is and I have enforced the "you may not come over/in unless you have asked your mom and me."

On another note, this family does not know us very well so I am surprised they let her come over/in. I only let my kids play at close friends houses.

[Harriet Vane]

They're just kids. Yes they should know, but obviously they're clueless, so you'll have to continue training them. Just sweetly remind them, each and every time, with a smile on your face, of what your rules are.

 

If they break your rules on purpose, remind them of the rules, with a smile on your face, and add: "This isn't how you treat a friend. You are our friend, and you need to respect our rules in our home."

[Unicorn.]

Yes it does matter. I never felt comfortable having anyone in the house that I didn't know the parents. In cases like that, I usually let them use the bathroom, gave them a drink, and ushered everyone back outside. hth

[swellmomma]

I had to start keeping my door locked when 1 family in particular was over playing outside. No matter how many times I told them the rule (knock first and ask permission) the one girl would just barge right in. In the end I had to ban her from my house because I found out that when she didn't like me locking her out she starting telling her mom and who ever was having coffee with her mom that she say me hit my kids, or that I screamed at her and called her bad names etc. All lies. Thankfully this kid was already on teh verge of expulsion from school for the same reasons(telling outrageous lies about teachers to mom and vice versa). The whole family was messed up though(this was the family where the mom tried to commit suicide in front of her kids and my son and told the girls in front of my ds she was going to kill them too). I felt bad for the girls and let them come over lots but will not tolerate outright lies being said that could tear my family apart.

 

The rest of the kids that come to visit know that my rule is knock and ask permission, do not just walk right in. And if it is for more than a moment of the kids getting drinks or the child using the bathroom, they need to call mom from there on the porch and ask her permission to come inside my house to play too.

[swellmomma]

When a new family moved to the neighborhood, the oldest boy was the right age to play with my youngest kids (middle school age). The neighbor boy has social delays, so I would just gently remind him to knock first when he barged into the house looking for my kids.

 

He took that literally, and would knock first, then barge in:001_smile:. Again, I gently explained to him to knock, then wait for someone to answer the door. Well, if we didn't answer fast enough, he banged louder and louder and LOUDER.

 

He eventually learned. He really is a sweet kid and we enjoyed having him over.

 

Unfortunately, the mom started sending his 2 younger siblings over with him. Soon I had a 4 year old sneaking into my 13 yo ds's room and messing with his stuff when he wasn't home. I felt like I was babysitting the 4 year old....I WAS babysitting the 4 year old. I spoke a bit with the mom, and her philosophy was "if big brother gets to play, then so do the younger siblings."

 

We instituted an outside only rule with this family and began locking the door (since now the youngest was barging in). They rarely come over anymore, which makes me a bit sad. The oldest boy really could have benefited from the social interaction with my kids and my kiddo misses playing with him.

 

 

This is what the thought was of the other family I posted about, I too had to keep locking the door. The younger sibling was 7 but none of the kids liked her due to to her constant lies. The big sister told lies too but not about people to get them in trouble, she told lies to make herself look better (told about trips she never actually took etc) the kids tolerated that and liked playing with her. She was the same age as my dd. The mom would never just send the big one to play, she believed that if the big one was welcome the younger one should be too. It was the younger one that was a problem.

[Old Dominion Heather]

That child made me forget the other question I wanted to ask.

 

Those of you who have an open door, yard=house policy...does it matter if you don't know the child's parents?

 

We have an open door policy and no, I don't have to know the parents. But the first time, I make them run home first and make sure it is ok with their parents.

 

My kids play in their houses, and they play at mine.

[LoveBaby]

We only have 1 set of neighbor kids because we live waaaay out in the country. Lucky for us they are great kids and come from good people. In other homes we haven't been so fortunate and had a much stricter play policy. We have an open door policy so they can go in and out. However, if the weather is nice, then my kids know that play = outside!

 

My kids go in and out at their house, too. We did have to remind my Iamneverfullpleasefeedme son that it was not o.k. to go over their to play/eat them out of house and home. He does that enough at our house! ;-)

[5LittleMonkeys]

Thanks for all the replies. I like to see how others handle things and when I get other's perspectives it helps me sort out my own ideas about things.

 

I realize that this problem with the barging in didn't start getting under my skin and wasn't as extreme until this older little boy started coming around. Because I don't feel comfortable with him coming in it's more of an issue. I think I'll deal with it two-fold. First, I'm going to have to go meet his mom...I don't even know if she is even aware of where he is half the time, and I don't know that I can take his word for it that he is allowed to be over. (When I was a child I had a neighborhood friend that told my mom she could come in our house. Her mom came looking for her and unloaded on my mom for "taking" her into our house. I certainly don't want an experience like that.) Second, I'm going to just be more patient with him and possibly lock my doors to ensure knocking. The more I've sat here and really thought about him, I'm thinking he may have some delays. He's in 2nd grade but he speaks and acts younger than my 5yo, and my 5yo is extremely average. I also feel a bit sorry for him; I think he gets yelled at a lot by his dad.

 

Thanks again to everyone for sharing.:D