stephanie Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Ds12 is a smart boy, very involved in baseball, and has many friends. He's always played baseball, little league and select ball, and has never really had a problem "fitting in", but has always been a bit different since he's home schooled. He doesnt get a lot of the humor the kids his age do, nor the mischevious ways he often sees in them. However, the boys like him and ds likes them too. So overall, all seems well... Well, I've been noticing that lately it seems ds prefers to hang around me and his dad more than his friends. He will even hang with his siblings before he hangs out with his friends if we're at some sort of event or something for baseball. If we go out to eat after a game he prefers to sit with us. :confused: Of course, I'm so glad that he thinks his dad and I are still so cool to sit with, but all his friends are sitting together, having fun, and he's with us. It's not that I mind, but I wonder why he doesn't prefer to sit with them. He just tells us he likes to sit with us. Usually he ends up with his friends after he gets acclimated so I'm good with that. But this past weekend we had his end of year swim party at his coaches house. We got there, kids all swimming, and ds swam too. His sibs were there as well since they are friends of the sibs of the other players. Well, after 30 min or so, ds gets out and comes and sits in chair next to me...and all the mothers. I'm fine with it until I start to really look around and take it all in. Some of the moms are asking him if he's okay. Of course he says he's just relaxing and he's "swam out". His entire team is in the pool or the hot tub..eating their burgers, and ds is sitting with me and all the other moms eating. Then after eating they all swim again, and I tell ds he needs to go play because this will be the last time he will see his friends til next season. He goes in the pool, but plays by himself pretty much. He seems to have a fine time, but still, my mommy heart worries. After getting home I asked him about it all and he told me he didn't want me to worry about it, but that he just doesn't like the chaos of it all (which I totally get..I hate chaos). He said that when they "play" in the pool that everyone acts like idiots and he ends up getting hurt (ds is a good foot smaller than everyone), and if he eats with them then they just all end up playing jokes on everyone with their food (like adding sugar to burgers). So he prefer to just sit where he can have a nice, relaxing time. Sounds good, right? So I'm thinking, "Ok. He has no problems making friends. No one makes fun or bullies him. All the boys have spent the night at our home at one time or another so I know who these boys are. So maybe I just have a boy who is just plain smart about it all?" I just don't want to be missing something here that could hinder him later. I've never been one of the home schoolers who worried much about socialization because I knew that they were involved in life and really didn't think they were missing out on much socially in school. I am seeing though that my dc seem to be much more mature than their peers are socially. Not that I'm complaining...I just want them to not be targets of other people. As much as I support them being who they are, I also know that they have to be able to adjust to our world without socially withdrawing. So how do I do that? Or do I do that?:confused: Sigh..any sense of direction, slap on the head, or hug would be greatly appreciated... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azalea Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) Big, big :grouphug: I have always homeschooled my kids and so has a friend of mine. One day as we were chatting, we realized that we had set out to make children who were different and, oh no! we have succeeded. I think probably what is happening with your son, and how I have occassionally seen my children behave, is that they lack the fear of not conforming to the social norm. In PS, there is safety in numbers and a social pecking order. It is safer to conform and if acting like a fool is what is required to conform, so be it. I think our kids may have no idea that they are making us uncomfortable by not participating. This week my 13 yod is attending a week long star party. Her favorite peer group is composed of adult astronomers. That's really different, but it has provided her with so many opportunities. She may even be able to do original research next summer. Yes, I still worry. I have a daughter who doesn't care about the name brand on her clothes, or having a boyfriend, or being popular. She cares about academics and her future. It is all I ever wanted, and a little scary. Azalea Edited August 31, 2011 by Azalea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alveraz Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 The whole time I'm reading your post I'm wondering, why don't you tell him no, go sit with your friends. You can always sit with your parents, but rarely is there time to sit with your friends. This is not about his preference, it's about being in charge and helping him discover that it's not always going to be perfect when you are around your peers, but it's essential to development. I personally think you're letting him run the show. He can sit with you all day during HS, but when friends are around, you (the parent) should be off limits. This is his time to discover the potential of his wings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamauk Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Big, big :grouphug: I think probably what is happening with your son, and how I have occassionally seen my children behave, is that they lack the fear of not conforming to the social norm. In PS, there is safety in numbers and a social pecking order. It's not safe to not conform and if acting like a fool is what is required to conform, so be it. :iagree: This was my first thought. If you are confident that he's not being bullied and he seems to get along with the other boys when the group is smaller, than I wouldn't worry too much about it (says the woman with an 8 yo who is just getting ready for this experience herself!) :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_l_e_0..Q_c Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 My son started acting the same way at the same age. He told me he was sick of the vulgar behaviour of 12yo boys. The incessant swearing and crude remarks, the inherent sexuality in every sentence as soon as the kids were out of earshot of adults. He never understood why the friends behave that way. This summer (at 13) he chose to stay around the 10-11yo instead of the 12-14 boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 My son started acting the same way at the same age. He told me he was sick of the vulgar behaviour of 12yo boys. The incessant swearing and crude remarks, the inherent sexuality in every sentence as soon as the kids were out of earshot of adults. He never understood why the friends behave that way. This summer (at 13) he chose to stay around the 10-11yo instead of the 12-14 boys. This is what I'm thinking. When my ds was that middle school age, the boys were just vulgar and gross. My ds was uncomfortable. I think that it is good to respect his feelings so he can learn it is okay to trust his own judgment about people and situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) Big, big :grouphug: I have always homeschooled my kids and so has a friend of mine. One day as we were chatting, we realized that we had set out to make children who were different and, oh no! we have succeeded. I think probably what is happening with your son, and how I have occassionally seen my children behave, is that they lack the fear of not conforming to the social norm. In PS, there is safety in numbers and a social pecking order. It's not safe to not conform and if acting like a fool is what is required to conform, so be it. I think our kids may have no idea that they are making us uncomfortable by not participating. This week my 13 yod is attending a week long star party. Her favorite peer group is composed of adult astronomers. That's really different, but it has provided her with so many opportunities. She may even be able to do original research next summer. Yes, I still worry. I have a daughter who doesn't care about the name brand on her clothes, or having a boyfriend, or being popular. She cares about academics and her future. It is all I ever wanted, and a little scary. Azalea Thank you for this post. My oldest DS is naturally sweet and shy. PS or HS, his personality would be the same, but I am struck by your statement that I bolded above. It is definitely true of him. The whole time I'm reading your post I'm wondering, why don't you tell him no, go sit with your friends. You can always sit with your parents, but rarely is there time to sit with your friends. This is not about his preference, it's about being in charge and helping him discover that it's not always going to be perfect when you are around your peers, but it's essential to development. I personally think you're letting him run the show. He can sit with you all day during HS, but when friends are around, you (the parent) should be off limits. This is his time to discover the potential of his wings. :confused: Wow. His personal relationships should not be about his preference? :001_huh: I think forcing people into social interactions that make them uncomfortable is incredibly disrespectful. Do I encourage my kids to stretch? Yes. Do I coddle? No. Do I tell my kids I am "off limits" and force them to interact against their interest and instincts? I can't imagine. I personally think this is the time for him to do as Karen suggests... I think that it is good to respect his feelings so he can learn it is okay to trust his own judgment about people and situations. :iagree: Edited August 31, 2011 by Alte Veste Academy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
masaki Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Stephanie, I can relate. We've been through similar situations with ds and neighborhood friends. You know, I think it comes down to some people are acquaintances and others are friends who we want to see and talk to all the time. It all depends on the connection between individuals. Kids aren't any different. I bet if there was another boy at that swim party who also shared your ds's temperament, he probably would have hung out with him. I think what makes it hard for those of us parents who went to conventional schools growing up, is that we sometimes have a lot of conditioning to overcome. This expectation that all boys should love chaotic play is one of them. Maybe the best thing to do is to keep encouraging him to follow his interests. Soon enough he'll meet another kid or two, or more, with whom he can relate better to. He's not the only 12 year-old boy out there who thinks fart jokes are lame. Marilyn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanie Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 The whole time I'm reading your post I'm wondering, why don't you tell him no, go sit with your friends. You can always sit with your parents, but rarely is there time to sit with your friends. This is not about his preference, it's about being in charge and helping him discover that it's not always going to be perfect when you are around your peers, but it's essential to development. I personally think you're letting him run the show. He can sit with you all day during HS, but when friends are around, you (the parent) should be off limits. This is his time to discover the potential of his wings. Somehow before I even finished reading this post I knew it was a man who was posting. God love men..He created them very differently than women. I appreciate your opinion, but have to disagree. I'm raising a man who values respect above all..even at his young age. I have a responsibility to him to show him respect balanced with love and direction...not forcing him to do something he doesn't feel socially comfortable with. I do agree with you, however, on him discovering his potential. I'm just looking for the healthy way to do it....not disrespecting him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanie Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 I'm not going to multi-quote so thank you for your responses. I feel so much better about things. I just needed to have a few thoughts that I might be overlooking because of my worry. Thank you.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Ok, I may be totally off base, and even if I'm not it may not matter at all, but is this typical for him in all situations? If so, it COULD be Aspergers. I hate to throw that out there without other information, but I wish someone had mentioned it to me years ago, with my son. The typical age for diagnoses is around 11 years old. Just a thought, and please don't take it any more seriously than it deserves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanie Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 Ok, I may be totally off base, and even if I'm not it may not matter at all, but is this typical for him in all situations? If so, it COULD be Aspergers. I hate to throw that out there without other information, but I wish someone had mentioned it to me years ago, with my son. The typical age for diagnoses is around 11 years old. Just a thought, and please don't take it any more seriously than it deserves. Thank you for your thoughts on thought. I will look into it. It's not typical in all situations...just ones where there is a lot of commotion. Nevertheless, I will heed your advice and research it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Both of my kids have gone through phases when they preferred the company of adults. And they are both easily overwhelmed by chaos sometimes. (Sometimes, when they are in the middle of it, a little chaos is great. But it can become too much if they are not in the mood for it.) What I've found is that mine do great with kids they genuinely like and with whom they have things in common. But they have little or no interest in what we used to call "random kid time." When she was little, my daugher would come home from homeschool group park days and completely melt down. For a long time, we didn't make the connection, but she finally articulated that she didn't have fun unless the few specific people she really wanted to hang out with were there. She vastly preferred to have no park time than to be stuck there all day with people with whom she doesn't "click." My son (13) often still hangs out with me when we go places, unless there are specific people he likes there. For example, we went to a party a couple of weeks ago to celebrate the second anniversary of a youth theatre group with which he's been active. He was ready to leave an hour into the event, because it was too loud to really talk to his friends. But let them have one or two friends of their choice over to the house? Or take just three or four kids to a pool? All is well. They will stay all day and have a great time. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to select your own companions or with being a little choosy about them. I'd say it's a mark of maturity and good taste. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annabel Lee Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I just wanted to share that your description of your son made me think of my dh throughout jr. high & high school, in a way. He knew what moral path he wanted to follow, what was within his boundaries or not and that there were certain boundaries he simply wouldn't cross. Because of this, he had few close friends at times. When his best friend began heading down the wrong path & got into all sorts of trouble, he didn't follow. Your son may simply have a strong, inner resolve to not participate in foolishness. It could be a good thing, because if it's like my dh's when he was young, it could save him later when decisions he faces are serious, with lasting implications. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 My youngest son is like this, too. He really enjoys being with the groups of boys when they are doing more structured things, and he gets along with them and fits in, but he does not enjoy the "wild" boy groups very much. He is just more mature than most kids his age and is definitely not into the horseplay. My oldest son is the opposite -- he'll be right in the middle of the madness, and enjoy it. I really think it's just a matter of personality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanie Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 My youngest son is like this, too. He really enjoys being with the groups of boys when they are doing more structured things, and he gets along with them and fits in, but he does not enjoy the "wild" boy groups very much. He is just more mature than most kids his age and is definitely not into the horseplay. My oldest son is the opposite -- he'll be right in the middle of the madness, and enjoy it. I really think it's just a matter of personality. Funny you say that..my ds16 is in the middle of it all, as is my dd9. But the 2 middle ones are usually a bit more reluctant. The two of them are also Bff's so they depend on each other a lot. I'm finding more encouragement knowing that it's not so uncommon or even such a negative thing. I'm believing that all our prayers that our dc being strong, independent decision-makers be coming to fruition. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Peer pressure your son into being like the other kids. It's the only way... :lol: I was concerned at first too. Then I realized, I wouldn't want to be around it either. My son has boundaries, and I'm relieved he knows how to walk away when things are getting too much for him. He doesn't feel like he has to do the same thing and he's alright with saying no thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheAutumnOak Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Ds12 is a smart boy, very involved in baseball, and has many friends. He's always played baseball, little league and select ball, and has never really had a problem "fitting in", but has always been a bit different since he's home schooled. He doesnt get a lot of the humor the kids his age do, nor the mischevious ways he often sees in them. However, the boys like him and ds likes them too. So overall, all seems well... Well, I've been noticing that lately it seems ds prefers to hang around me and his dad more than his friends. He will even hang with his siblings before he hangs out with his friends if we're at some sort of event or something for baseball. If we go out to eat after a game he prefers to sit with us. :confused: Of course, I'm so glad that he thinks his dad and I are still so cool to sit with, but all his friends are sitting together, having fun, and he's with us. It's not that I mind, but I wonder why he doesn't prefer to sit with them. He just tells us he likes to sit with us. Usually he ends up with his friends after he gets acclimated so I'm good with that. But this past weekend we had his end of year swim party at his coaches house. We got there, kids all swimming, and ds swam too. His sibs were there as well since they are friends of the sibs of the other players. Well, after 30 min or so, ds gets out and comes and sits in chair next to me...and all the mothers. I'm fine with it until I start to really look around and take it all in. Some of the moms are asking him if he's okay. Of course he says he's just relaxing and he's "swam out". His entire team is in the pool or the hot tub..eating their burgers, and ds is sitting with me and all the other moms eating. Then after eating they all swim again, and I tell ds he needs to go play because this will be the last time he will see his friends til next season. He goes in the pool, but plays by himself pretty much. He seems to have a fine time, but still, my mommy heart worries. After getting home I asked him about it all and he told me he didn't want me to worry about it, but that he just doesn't like the chaos of it all (which I totally get..I hate chaos). He said that when they "play" in the pool that everyone acts like idiots and he ends up getting hurt (ds is a good foot smaller than everyone), and if he eats with them then they just all end up playing jokes on everyone with their food (like adding sugar to burgers). So he prefer to just sit where he can have a nice, relaxing time. Sounds good, right? So I'm thinking, "Ok. He has no problems making friends. No one makes fun or bullies him. All the boys have spent the night at our home at one time or another so I know who these boys are. So maybe I just have a boy who is just plain smart about it all?" I just don't want to be missing something here that could hinder him later. I've never been one of the home schoolers who worried much about socialization because I knew that they were involved in life and really didn't think they were missing out on much socially in school. I am seeing though that my dc seem to be much more mature than their peers are socially. Not that I'm complaining...I just want them to not be targets of other people. As much as I support them being who they are, I also know that they have to be able to adjust to our world without socially withdrawing. So how do I do that? Or do I do that?:confused: Sigh..any sense of direction, slap on the head, or hug would be greatly appreciated... I highlighted my thoughts from your post...I don't think it is a problem at this point for the reasons I highlighted...I know you mentioned at the end being able to adjust without withdrawing socially, but I also think people need to know when to withdraw from situations they feel uncomfortable in... Peers can get you in a boatload of trouble if you don't know when to walk away... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Sounds like my ds. He lights up when conversing with adults, but is more reserved with peers. I also think 12 is different. Kids are growing at all different rates, they start having preferences, they are exploring more boundaries of acceptable behavior. It's not like when they were 7 and you could tell them to all go play nice with the pile of Lego. I have no doubt you are raising respectful, smart young men. I wouldn't worry, sounds like he recognizes his boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abacus2 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 He sounds like a wonderful young man and a completely normal introvert to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314912349&sr=8-1 I just finished reading this book. According to the authors, you have a healthy, developmentally normal boy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 It sounds normal to me because I was that kid! I distinctly recall acting in a similar manner and then asking my dad to please stop "setting me up" with kids my own age because I'd rather be with the adults. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeannpal Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Somehow before I even finished reading this post I knew it was a man who was posting. God love men..He created them very differently than women. I appreciate your opinion, but have to disagree. I'm raising a man who values respect above all..even at his young age. I have a responsibility to him to show him respect balanced with love and direction...not forcing him to do something he doesn't feel socially comfortable with. I do agree with you, however, on him discovering his potential. I'm just looking for the healthy way to do it....not disrespecting him. I so agree with you! I am currently teaching middle school, and I certainly understand where your son is coming from. It seems he is just more mature than most of the boys his own age. He seems to have a good head on his shoulder! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 :grouphug: I don't know if our situation relates to yours at all, but my son played baseball from the age of 4. He always got along well with his teammates and loved to play. He's always been on the all-star teams etc. He's been in private school since kindergarten, last year (6th grade) was our first year homeschooling for academic reasons. (wanted a better curriculum, and to pick up the pace) This past spring he moved up to the 11/12 year-old league. He didn't like it AT ALL. They were all new kids, but that's the same as any year. They were mostly from the public school, I don't know if that made a difference. He commented that he didn't like being near some of them because they said "bad things." (he didn't specify what) Then there were incidents where one of the kids "playfully" ripped his batting helmet off his head and broke his glasses. Finally during one practice game one of his teammates threw a pitch at him that hit him in the ankle. Instead of apologizing he said to him, "Did you like that?" My son said he didn't want to go to baseball anymore, and I didn't blame him. My own take on this is that he's at an age where there are a lot more jerky kids who feel free to express themselves in whatever manner they choose. The coach on the team was pretty lax about observing any behavior that wasn't baseball-related. We've had good luck with some Christian basketball leagues, but I hesitate to let him do anything at the YMCA because I don't hear good things about the behavior there. My son is an excellent athlete, but these leagues are too time-intensive if the overall experience is not a good one. Yeah, at some point he'll have to face the Real World. But I don't have to rush it, and I won't if he's uncomfortable. Anyway, that's our story, I don't know if any of these factors play into your son's thinking but I thought I'd offer it up for comparison's sake. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NancyNellen Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 My oldest is just like this...he prefers to be with the adults, especially at church. I worried at first and sought the counsel of friends, etc. When I finally asked him about it, he simply said, "They (the Jr. high boys) act like fools, all trying to outdo each other and I learn more when I am with you." 'Nuff said. I think your son is simply more mature and less interested in foolishness. Good for him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 I think your son is showing a remarkable amount of maturity. He knows what he likes and doesn't hesitate to remove himself from a social situation where he's not enjoying himself. Social scenarios like this party are totally different than work, school or even sport team scenarios. I am a firm believer that we should all be able to choose who to socialize with and under what circumstances. To not be able to draw those boundaries leaves a person open to negative peer pressure and manipulation. Bravo for him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanie Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 The only thing that strikes me as odd is that he joined the group of moms rather than link up with his sibs when he left his teammates...unless sibs were roughhousing or sugaring the food too? Well, his other sibs there were the girls who were at the time playing with other girls there. He did end up hooking up with the girls and the dogs in the house where they did tricks with the dogs..lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanie Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Wow! Thank you all for encouraging me. I want to just go give my ds a big hug and tell him how proud I am of him. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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