What does the Bible say about emotional abuse?

[Stacie Leigh]

There's been some chatter about emotional abuse and the church lately and I know I have some frustration and feel that women often are left with only the options to leave or "submit".

 

I'm not unfamiliar with the Bible, but I'd like to know which scriptures others think specifically apply in this circumstance?

[Lara in Colo]

I briefly read this (after a Google search) it may be a starting off point for you.

http://www.concordroadchurch.com/transcripts/719_How_Should_A_Husband_Treat_His_Wife.pdf

 

 

 

http://www.westarkchurchofchrist.org/library/christianmarriage6.htm

 

 

This looks promising

 

http://www.biblestudy.org/question/spousal-abuse-and-the-bible.html

Edited August 24, 2011 by Lara in Colo

[Pamela H in Texas]

Prov 12:18

 

Titus 1:7 (though for an "overseer," it obviously makes sense that God would intend we each strive for similar behavioral standards).

 

Phil 2:3, 4

 

Matthew 7:12 and 22:38,39

 

Col 3:19

 

Eph 5:33

 

Of course, there are TONS of scriptures about being meek and mild, peaceable, not wrathful, etc. No doubt all of those would also be applicable.

[ma23peas]

Tough without knowing many details...

 

Emotional abuse, is that someone knowing how to push someone's buttons and pushing them? Is it someone taking out their frustrations on their spouse, is it precipitated by each pushing each other's buttons? I honestly believe that if two people love each other....they first try to fix what is wrong with themselves, confess it, make an earnest bid to correct it and sometimes that inspires/encourages the spouse to follow suit. I am much less quick to jump at what the Bible says about the 'guilty' person as I am about pointing it at myself and saying, how have I contributed or what can I do to help the situation...

Is the person married to a believer? Different 'rules' go with believers over unbelievers...as Christians you are to help each other be accountable but be loving in doing it. Just pointing fingers and saying what you're donig is wrong is usually not helpful...but deeply considering how it got to that state and talking it through is a first step.. the greatest of these is love...I always say start there.

[Sputterduck]

The Bible has tons of scriptures on how to treat people. Surely a person is going against God when they deviate from those scriptures when interacting with their spouse.

 

Women *are* often left with the only options being to leave or submit. Why? Because a woman can't make her husband act appropriately. The husband has free will to follow God in his actions or not. If a man refuses to be a Godly spouse, then the wife can't make him. She'll either deal with it or leave to find a better life.

 

It would be nice if a church is going to discipline people if it would discipline men who didn't treat their wives well. I've never seen that happen though. Not that I'm really into churches disciplining people... but if a church is going to get into that, it would be fair to include abusers. Why doesn't that ever happen?

[JVA]

It would be nice if a church is going to discipline people if it would discipline men who didn't treat their wives well. I've never seen that happen though. Not that I'm really into churches disciplining people... but if a church is going to get into that, it would be fair to include abusers. Why doesn't that ever happen?

 

 

We've seen this at a church......in the period of one year, two men were disciplined for how they treated their wives- verbal abuse which culminated in adultery. It was handled carefully and respectfully. The women were abandoned by their husbands and the church pitched in to help them- and still does - 8 years later. The women are now employed and the children are mentored by men in the church, according to what the mothers desire.

I really admire this group of elders and the pastor- the church body never knew the meetings and efforts made behind the scenes to get the men to straighten up. We were only informed once the men had rebuked any more help from the pastor/elders and started divorce proceedings. It was all very sad for the children and the wives but was handled according to Mt. 18. I wish more churches would follow the Biblical model and help families this way.

[Sputterduck]

We've seen this at a church......in the period of one year, two men were disciplined for how they treated their wives- verbal abuse which culminated in adultery. It was handled carefully and respectfully. The women were abandoned by their husbands and the church pitched in to help them- and still does - 8 years later. The women are now employed and the children are mentored by men in the church, according to what the mothers desire.

I really admire this group of elders and the pastor- the church body never knew the meetings and efforts made behind the scenes to get the men to straighten up. We were only informed once the men had rebuked any more help from the pastor/elders and started divorce proceedings. It was all very sad for the children and the wives but was handled according to Mt. 18. I wish more churches would follow the Biblical model and help families this way.

 

Sounds like a wonderful church.

[missiemick]

We've seen this at a church......in the period of one year, two men were disciplined for how they treated their wives- verbal abuse which culminated in adultery. It was handled carefully and respectfully. The women were abandoned by their husbands and the church pitched in to help them- and still does - 8 years later. The women are now employed and the children are mentored by men in the church, according to what the mothers desire.

I really admire this group of elders and the pastor- the church body never knew the meetings and efforts made behind the scenes to get the men to straighten up. We were only informed once the men had rebuked any more help from the pastor/elders and started divorce proceedings. It was all very sad for the children and the wives but was handled according to Mt. 18. I wish more churches would follow the Biblical model and help families this way.

 

Wow - impressive!

[gardenmom5]

It would be nice if a church is going to discipline people if it would discipline men who didn't treat their wives well. I've never seen that happen though. Not that I'm really into churches disciplining people... but if a church is going to get into that, it would be fair to include abusers. Why doesn't that ever happen?

 

It does in mine.

[Parker Martin]

I'm fairly certain that if emotional or physical abuse were taking place within a marriage between members of our church, the abuser would be getting a lot of phone calls and visits from church members. That sort of thing is not ignored in the churches I have attended.

 

What kind of emotional abuse are we talking about here? I ask because I've heard the term overused in the past.

[HS Mom in NC]

The Bible has a lot to say about men treating their wives as Christ loved the Church.

 

Church leadership and counselors often drop the ball by focusing exclusively on the wife and how she is to react to his poor treatment, rather than spending their time and attention on making it incredibly clear to the husband that his behavior is sinful, inexcusable, and in need of immediate church discipline.

 

 

Be sure you have a good case. One woman tried to convince me her husband was emotionally abusing her because he didn't want her to spend $200 on a haircut. According to her, he was "attacking her identity." When he suggested a haircut under $100, she was being bullied and abused by his greed and control. Yeah. There's always some nut-job exception to the rule who reflects badly on people with legitimate complaints.

[Sputterduck]

The Bible has a lot to say about men treating their wives as Christ loved the Church.

 

Church leadership and counselors often drop the ball by focusing exclusively on the wife and how she is to react to his poor treatment, rather than spending their time and attention on making it incredibly clear to the husband that his behavior is sinful, inexcusable, and in need of immediate church discipline.

 

 

This has been what I've seen happen. The husband tends to be ignored totally and the onus is put all on the wife to "pray for him" to "be patient with him" and to make sure she is being the best wife she can be. It seems to end up in the women giving everything of themselves and even enabling the husband to continue because no matter what he does she is super patient and sweet back, never putting boundaries on anything. Meanwhile, why should the abusive spouse change a thing when he is getting a rag doll to play with? It seems to make it even easier for the husband to do his thing.

 

Be sure you have a good case. One woman tried to convince me her husband was emotionally abusing her because he didn't want her to spend $200 on a haircut. According to her, he was "attacking her identity." When he suggested a haircut under $100, she was being bullied and abused by his greed and control. Yeah. There's always some nut-job exception to the rule who reflects badly on people with legitimate complaints.

 

Yikes! I would say she is crazy manipulative and being the bad spouse! Poor husband.

[Joanne]

What kind of emotional abuse are we talking about here? I ask because I've heard the term overused in the past.

 

My personal, and my clinical experience is that non-physical abuse is under-identified and under-responded to. This seems to be across the board, due to the nature of abuse and the abuse dynamic. It's exaggerated in many religious homes in which abuse is present (Christian, Muslim).

 

Even having to qualify it as "emotional" or "verbal" abuse is part of the dismissal of it as "real" abuse.

 

In Christian homes, there is an emphasis on "both parties" being sinners and how "it takes two" to have an issue.

 

That is not true in abuse. Abuse is not 50/50, not 70/30, not 80/20. The abuse victim does not have a responsibility in the abuse. It takes 2 to MAKE a marriage.

 

One can destroy a marriage.

[Stacie Leigh]

edited due to privacy concerns...

Edited August 25, 2011 by Stacie Leigh

[MamaSheep]

It does in mine.

 

Mine too.

[smilesonly]

http://www.luke173ministries.org

 

Though it was created for adults who suffer from Adult Child Abuse, you will find *very* helpful info. Great website!!

[Liz CA]

Yes, it does! Whoever is in this situation should make an appointment with a very skilled counselor and prepare for many sessions.

Sounds like a lot of buried anger and denial on the part of the person who treats his spouse like this.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Even having to qualify it as "emotional" or "verbal" abuse is part of the dismissal of it as "real" abuse.

 

I disagree. Breaking abuse up into different kinds of abuse does not diminish the fact that it is abuse. Does calling it "sexual abuse" make it less of an abuse?

 

The real thing is that people have not yet decided that certain abuses are "that bad." It isn't about a whole subgroup of abuse, but a level of act. For example, is smoking around your spouse or children physical abuse? And almost every couple (or parent-child) argues and says something out of line sometimes. Either is not good, but few people are willing to go all the way to say it is abuse just like we don't say spanking is.

 

Anyway, abuse should simply not be allowed. And I do agree with you that abuse is not the fault of the victim. Just like "my" children didn't make their parents abuse them, I don't have the power to make my husband abuse me. That would be completely and totally on him regardless of what I did or didn't do.

[8circles]

There. Does that qualify?

 

:grouphug: Oh honey, please tell me this isn't you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to whoever is going through this.

[8circles]

It does in mine.

 

Mine as well.

[Mosaicmind]

We've seen this at a church......in the period of one year, two men were disciplined for how they treated their wives- verbal abuse which culminated in adultery. It was handled carefully and respectfully. The women were abandoned by their husbands and the church pitched in to help them- and still does - 8 years later. The women are now employed and the children are mentored by men in the church, according to what the mothers desire.

I really admire this group of elders and the pastor- the church body never knew the meetings and efforts made behind the scenes to get the men to straighten up. We were only informed once the men had rebuked any more help from the pastor/elders and started divorce proceedings. It was all very sad for the children and the wives but was handled according to Mt. 18. I wish more churches would follow the Biblical model and help families this way.

 

This is how our church handles this also. Just last year our pastors and elders had asked several (not sure the exact number) unfaithful and abusive husbands to not come to church until they had repented and sought help. We do not require that they repent before our whole congregation but only to another man who is mature in his faith within our church. It is very private here but I knew one of the women personally so this is how I found out about this. Our church is very faithful in taking care of these families financial, emotional, and basic needs. It is a beautiful thing to see biblical principles like this walked out for everyone to see.

[Stacie Leigh]

So are these emotionally abusive men that are receiving church discipline honest about their situation or are the pastors just human lie detectors, because in my experience. It's her word against his and how can a pastor possibly take sides??

[Garga]

 

There. Does that qualify?

 

:grouphug: Oh honey, please tell me this isn't you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to whoever is going through this.

 

 

:grouphug: Yikes. That sounds like a miserable existence. Sooo sorry for people going through that. :grouphug:

[8circles]

So are these emotionally abusive men that are receiving church discipline honest about their situation or are the pastors just human lie detectors, because in my experience. It's her word against his and how can a pastor possibly take sides??

 

I think that there's a lot of prayer involved. The Holy Spirit doesn't lead someone in the wrong way. Just my opinion, but I think that those churches that only focus on the woman & only look at the he said/she said are NOT praying about it & are NOT following the Holy Spirit. I wouldn't stay in that church for anything, even if I were not the woman in question.

 

Also, it isn't about taking sides. I think that both parties need to be prayed with & there needs to be a spirit of humility (that doesn't mean feeling unwarranted guilt).

 

I've been interrupted several times for breakfast issues so I hope I've explained well.

[Stacie Leigh]

I think that there's a lot of prayer involved. The Holy Spirit doesn't lead someone in the wrong way. Just my opinion, but I think that those churches that only focus on the woman & only look at the he said/she said are NOT praying about it & are NOT following the Holy Spirit. I wouldn't stay in that church for anything, even if I were not the woman in question.

 

Also, it isn't about taking sides. I think that both parties need to be prayed with & there needs to be a spirit of humility (that doesn't mean feeling unwarranted guilt).

 

I've been interrupted several times for breakfast issues so I hope I've explained well.

 

 

I get what you are saying, but I still don't see how a spiritual authority can simply say "The Holy Spirit revealed to me who is telling the truth here." WAY too much latitude for personal preference or prejudice.

[8circles]

I get what you are saying, but I still don't see how a spiritual authority can simply say "The Holy Spirit revealed to me who is telling the truth here." WAY too much latitude for personal preference or prejudice.

 

No, that's not what I mean & I agree with what you're saying. Any SA who said that would make me stay away from him. IMO it really isn't the spiritual authority's place to make a judgement about who is telling the truth if it really isn't clear. I think that the spiritual authority prays with the couple & asks the HS to be present.

 

I'll try to illustrate using your given scenario. I would imagine that the H would say he is faultless in the relationship. Even if he were not an abuser that probably wouldn't be true so the focus might be on praying for humility & love (something a la the love dare). That would be the start & hopefully it would be at least turning the knob in the hope that the door would be opened for his heart to be changed. I imagine the W would be um... angry at least on the surface. This one is harder for me to articulate. While her anger is justified, it isn't necessarily the place of the SA to immediately "take her side" & punish or discipline the H. She would also be prayed with - also for humility (NOT GUILT) - & for guidance from the HS. If she feels that she needs to leave I would fully expect the SA to support her in that. Regardless of the he said/she said. This is just my own view based on how I've seen these situiations played-out. However, I've never been a primary player so I could be totally wrong.

 

I think that as long as the HS is involved, eventually the actual truth comes out.

[FO4UR]

So are these emotionally abusive men that are receiving church discipline honest about their situation or are the pastors just human lie detectors, because in my experience. It's her word against his and how can a pastor possibly take sides??

 

 

idk how this has played out in the situations mentioned, but I think that all the pastor could do would be to lay out what healthy behavior looks like and give physical help to any spouse who needs to leave the situation.

 

A pastor can't make an abusive person stop abusing. The victim will probably have to leave, and the church *can* step up and be helpful there.

 

Not all pastors are equipped to deal with this, and some are abusers themselves...and will perpetuate the lie that the victim just needs to try harder and be good enough to not deserve/provoke abuse.:glare:

[8circles]

idk how this has played out in the situations mentioned, but I think that all the pastor could do would be to lay out what healthy behavior looks like and give physical help to any spouse who needs to leave the situation.

 

A pastor can't make an abusive person stop abusing. The victim will probably have to leave, and the church *can* step up and be helpful there.

 

Not all pastors are equipped to deal with this, and some are abusers themselves...and will perpetuate the lie that the victim just needs to try harder and be good enough to not deserve/provoke abuse.:glare:

:iagree:

[BMW]

Great job describing the abuse, Stacie!

 

That was my first marriage for many, many years... very dark times.

 

I was the wife that was told to submit and love, regardless of what dh did.

 

I was the wife who was told there were no other options because it wasn't really abuse.

 

I was the wife who nearly died physically out of submission.

 

I was the mom who nearly lost her children and was found guilty of child endangerment because I didn't stand up to the abuse.

 

I am NOT THAT ANYMORE.

 

Fact is, it happens much more than people talk about.

 

I am so glad that my life is new... I cannot begin to explain how freeing it was to drive down the road last year and realize that I wont be hurt like that again. That he cannot hurt me. He can hurt my children and I can be here to guide them when they are ready... but I don't live that way anymore.