Miss Peregrine Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 We lost our very good friend one month ago and DH is really hurting. He was on the scene of the accident and had to notify his wife. He helped her make funeral arrangement and many decisions that she needed help making. We went on a trip to Williamsburg with DH trying to fill in where his friend would have been(Fife and Drum Corp.) This past month has been crazy. Now we are back and life is settling in back to somewhat normal. But Dh is not doing well, especially with details from the accident. :sad: He said he keeps picturing his friend and all the details. As a LEO he has been on the scene of many grisly accidents but none that involved someone he cared about deeply. He has told me about many of them and now I keep dwelling on these thoughts. It is not good or healthy, although I am glad he is talking about it somewhat. He is going to bed really early and is not in the greatest of moods. I don't know what to do to help him. Counseling is out of the question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 :grouphug: So sorry for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 It has only been a month. Was the friend also LEO? Was it a line of duty accident? You said your dh is talking to someone so that is good. Give him a bit more time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 I have no advice, but I'm genuinely sorry. :grouphug::grouphug: What a horrible thing to have to go through. :grouphug::grouphug: to your dh and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 One month is not a long time by ANY stretch. Don't get too concerned yet about it being not healthy, people handle things in very different ways and there is no right way. Just make sure you're always there to listen and he never feels he shouldn't worry you or that you don't want to hear about it. Expect this to go on for a long time yet. You guys will get through it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: to you and your man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emeraldjoy Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 oh no, I am so sorry. My husband lost two very, very close friends in a short amount of time to tragic accidents...so I have a bit of empathy. I so wanted to help his heart and it really seemed like I couldn't, at least in the beginning. I am not sure what an LEO is, but is it possible for him to talk to somebody through that? Talking is important early on, especially in preventing future PTSD stuff. It has only been a month too, not very much time for he and your family to heal for it is a process, I am sure you know that. G-d is a comforter, tis one of His roles...and He does not take it lightly. Gosh, I am just sorry for you guys. e Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Talking helps. Time helps. Crying helps. I'm not sure your beliefs, but praying helps too. Does he have any close male friends? Sometimes it helps to talk it over with different people. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry. I remember you posting about the trip to Williamsburg. Keep him talking. And - cliche though it is - time is a great healer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 I'm so sorry your husband is going through this. I'm assuming that LEO means law enforcement officer. Isn't there someone in the department who can help him through this? I have to imagine that it's not uncommon for LEO's to periodically need to talk through what they've seen/been through. Or does that qualify as 'counseling' to your dh? I agree with the other posters that a month is not very long, so I wouldn't get too worried about him. It will be difficult for a while. But I think it would be good for him to be able to talk through it with someone, maybe even just another LEO buddy. If he doesn't want to talk to someone within his own department, I might be able to find someone for him to talk with through my brother. He has some connections in law enforcement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 :grouphug: I am so sorry. I also agree that a month is not a long time. DH's brother died in a very violent manner and DH took it so hard. It changed him and effects him to this day (it's been years). I'll keep you all in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry. :grouphug::grouphug: Does he have someone he can talk to, someone not related to him, someone that he can share those details and not feel like he is burdening them with more information than they need? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. My husband lost his best friend in November. Fortunately, it wasn't in a violent accident, but it was a horrible shock, as he was only 38. My husband had a very hard time for at least 2 months. It wasn't until about January that he started coming around. It was the first time that he couldn't really talk to me :(. He did find comfort talking with his other best friend which had rounded out their little trio. Once they talked and found out they were both having dreams about Bob and flashbacks to memories, etc. my husband started opening up more to me. He still gets down. The song they played at his funeral played yesterday. My husband just got kind of quiet and said how that song has a lot of different meanings for him now :crying:. It's hard :grouphug:. I think you'll probably start seeing him come around in the next several weeks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 If he's with law enforcement, I'd think there would be chaplains associated with the unit who would be a useful resource. It may reduce any stigma with "counseling" and give him some help. (My father worked as a police chaplain for a time.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 It has only been a month. Was the friend also LEO? Was it a line of duty accident? You said your dh is talking to someone so that is good. Give him a bit more time. No, he was a friend and Dh ended up at the scene by happenstance. :sad: I'm so sorry your husband is going through this. I'm assuming that LEO means law enforcement officer. Isn't there someone in the department who can help him through this? I have to imagine that it's not uncommon for LEO's to periodically need to talk through what they've seen/been through. Or does that qualify as 'counseling' to your dh? I agree with the other posters that a month is not very long, so I wouldn't get too worried about him. It will be difficult for a while. But I think it would be good for him to be able to talk through it with someone, maybe even just another LEO buddy. He would never talk to someone through work counseling. He thinks its a good way to get in trouble. :rolleyes: And counseling is "a bunch of crap." Made for an interesting time when I was in counseling.:lol: I forgot, this man was also our church worship leader. He had gotten Dh into filling in for him from time to time over the last year or so. Now guess who the new worship leader is? There is a lot of pain there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 :grouphug: I wish he would reconsider the counseling. What about other buddies of the guy who was lost? A month doesn't seem long, though. My grandma passed away almost two months ago and I still cry sometimes--and she was in her 80s. A tragic, unexpected loss is bound to take longer. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 I forgot, this man was also our church worship leader. He had gotten Dh into filling in for him from time to time over the last year or so. Now guess who the new worship leader is? There is a lot of pain there. It sounds like a lot of people are putting your dh into the position that the friend used to hold (worship leader, fife and drum corps). That can't be easy to be stepping into his shoes. Maybe dh would be better off to say 'no' to some of these things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 I forgot, this man was also our church worship leader. He had gotten Dh into filling in for him from time to time over the last year or so. Now guess who the new worship leader is? There is a lot of pain there. Maybe you could talk to someone involved with the worship ministry (male) and he could talk to DH, over coffee or something. It wouldn't be that weird, because they would BOTH be missing DH's friend. I know it's hard. My own DH went through a bout of depression (job change that turned out to be for the MUCH, MUCH worse) and I rigged it for someone to talk to him. It helped. To this day, he does NOT know I was behind it, but he still says it helped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) :grouphug: I'll say a prayer. Time does help with the images and memories (lost BIL in a horrific accident). I'm sorry he won't consider counseling. I'd be concerned about PTSD. There is a therapy that's been proven really effective for that. It's not talk therapy but rather an eye movement thing that has scientific support. I've seen it used in military personnel and other trauma victims effectively in studies. No doubt your husband is traumatized. I don't suppose he might consider it given it's use in "tough guys" like soliders? but if at some point he might it's called EMDR. Outside of that grief is dark and hard and he's very early in the process. I don't think people come out the other side of this type of grief unchanged but it won't always consume as it does in the beginning and the beginning lasts a long time. Grief isn't linear. But, again, time will help and it's good he's talking to you and, it sounds like, avoiding destructive escapes to numb the pain. That's good. Are you close with the widow? My sister found help with an online forum Young Widows if she might need support from those who have been there with these types of sudden, young losses. I'll pray for all involved. Edited June 5, 2011 by sbgrace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Post Traumatic Stress disorder. He needs to see someone who can work through this. It gets worse, much worse without someone to help process this. See if you can find who treats the local police and fire dept they deal with this all too often. I survived but some of me is still there decades ago. Please get help for him as this is soul destroying stuff. I am sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted June 5, 2011 Author Share Posted June 5, 2011 Post Traumatic Stress disorder. He needs to see someone who can work through this. It gets worse, much worse without someone to help process this. See if you can find who treats the local police and fire dept they deal with this all too often. I survived but some of me is still there decades ago. Please get help for him as this is soul destroying stuff. I am sorry. Another LE friend mentioned this and I mentioned it to Dh. He won't have any of it. I am going to see if he will talk about it more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Supoort and love him. If it gets too bad...counseling may have to BE an option. So sorry he is hurting right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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