Do your *smart* kids have trouble 'belonging'?

[Blueridge]

I'm not sure how to phrase this...We are not pretentious snobs, just plain non-fancy folks. :) Our dd17 is the kind of kid that makes a mom so happy to be her mom, kwim? She's energetic, happy, thoughtful, humble, extremely hard worker, and is honestly very advanced intellectually in many ways...she reads philosophy and theology books for fun. :D She loves learning things, thinking deeply, having meaningful conversations about all sorts of topics. And still she can laugh and joke and be light-hearted with people and watch Marx Brothers movies or having tea parties with her sisters on occasion. :lol: I say all this because with all my heart I believe her to be a well-rounded, well- trained mind kinda gal. Now to the issue at hand: We've been visiting a church recently. My dh is taking dd17 to their Wednesday night *evangelism* class, which they are really enjoying. After the class is over, the small group goes to Hardees for snacks and visiting. Dd has been sitting at the table with the pastor and her dad, and several other people who love to talk and debate and inspire each other. The pastor calls her *the scholar* in fun because they have read so many of the same books and he is working on his Ph.D...(We are VERY impressed with this young man, but that's another story. ;)) So, there is always a table of college students who sit by themselves to visit, and one of them came over and invited dd to come join them. That was nice. But when she went over, they were talking about texting and shopping for shorts for summer and stuff like that, so she sat and smiled a lot. When the topic of reading books came up, she knew she could jump in the conversation, so when she had the chance to share some of her thoughts, she did. She assured me that she was NOT trying to sound like a know-it-all or be annoying because she can't stand haughty folks, she was earnestly wanting to fit in. She told me that after she said a few words, they all got quiet and just sat there staring at her. Uncomfortable silence, then back to giggling about nonsense. This is why my kids seem to have a hard time belonging to groups and things, they just don't seem to know what to say, how to say it, or something. So what could she do next time to be more, well, effective? It just doesn't seem fair to spend years of your life teaching your kids how to *think*, and then they have nobody who cares to converse with them. :confused: If you've made it this far, my thanks for your patience! I just want to help her not feel like the odd-man out all the time.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Ginger, I feel your pain as a mom. And I understand your dd's struggle to 'fit in' with her so-called peers. But honestly, a peer is so much more than a person your age. A peer is also someone who understands your way of thinking, whether or not they agree with it, and appreciates you for it. Sounds like your dd is way ahead of those other 'kids' not only in intellect but maturity as well.

 

I could say that maybe next time she could listen to the kids' conversation and then ask them questions pertinent to that conversation. However, I'm thinking that after awhile, you're dd would get bored with the seemingly mindless chatter. Remember, most of those kids, especially if they have not been homeschooled, probably have not read many of the thought-provoking tomes your child has. Whichever direction you take in reading, it shapes you.

 

I'm not saying there's no hope for your dd. There IS hope. It's probably just going to come in the form of a different set of peers.

 

I'll be praying for both of you!

[Cassy]

This does actually sound quite a bit like the complaints DS12 has made about the boys in his class at a very good, selective school. He has tried very hard to get on with them, but claims they just aren't interested in anything he enjoys (he's very sporty, keen on science and technology) - he says they just want to talk about horrible violent video games and s£x. He's utterly baffled that he can't find any common ground with these boys, and they consider him a 'nerd' :confused:. He does have good friends outside of school and gets on brilliantly with his brothers, especially DS10, but I do feel terribly sad for him. I suppose it feels a bit like he's being punished for having healthy interests and being good student.

 

Don't know what the answer is really, except time, and maybe future opportunities to move into an environment with similar-minded people. I keep telling him that by the time he goes to university he will be with people more like him; to him, of course, that's really depressing, because at 12 yo university seems a lifetime away. For your DD it's a little closer.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[Sevilla]

I'm guessing that they stared at her b/c she used very different vocabulary than they are used to, and it marked her as a cultural outsider.

 

She has a few options (and it's really her choice of how she wants to proceed):

1. Desire to fit in with same-age peers and develop her pop culture knowledge so that she can converse and blend in easily when needed. She would be broadening her 'interests' so that there is some overlap with the late high school/college crowd. Some ways to do that would be reading popular magazines (including advertisements), listening to popular songs on the radio or online as a lot of lingo comes from songs, and getting a few soundbites on fashion trends and food trends. Some reality TV would probably help too. She could view this as a 'pop culture study' and it would probably serve her well for being able to branch into this world.

 

2. If she has no interest in this, she can continue as she is now with her current friends and spending time with adults. As she gets older, she'll be able to get to know grad school students where she's more likely to find like-minded peers (it's just a few years away at this point). If she's content with her currently social circle then I don't know that she needs to branch out in the way described above. It's really her choice - if she feels limited then the above is how to 'broaden' herself socially. But it obviously comes at a cost too.

[deacongirl]

I think she should read the book Living with Intensity.

 

It would have made a profound difference in my life if I had read it earlier.

 

She sounds like a great kid, and I am sure when she goes to college she will find her tribe.

[morosophe]

Sometimes the kids that are a little advanced academically might honestly have social problems not because they're "smart" but because one (or maybe more) of the kinds of personalities that loves academics has trouble with social situations. In other words, it's not a symptom, it's part of the disease. Hence Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory.

 

For another humorous take on this, check out the "Geek Social Fallacies."

 

On the other hand, some people just have very different interests. Sometimes these are shallow, sometimes they're just different.

 

And sometimes a social situation, such as at a restaurant at the end of the long week, is a place for people to decompress by talking about something different and easy for a change, instead of doing more deep thinking. Those "deep thinking" conversations were, for me at least, more appropriate for two or three people studying late in the same hall (to let their roommates sleep) in a college dorm at two to three in the morning.

 

Just some thoughts!

[Blueridge]

I really appreciate your commiseration and helpful suggestions! I also put the book into my Amazon cart because it sounds fabulous. It's just so funny that our kids just seem like normal kids until they get around other kids their ages...and I don't want them to feel embarrassed (or prideful) because they have an intellect. She shared this latest situation with me when I was dropping her by the little cafe where she works pt as a server. I told her that she shouldn't feel ashamed that she was smart and please not to feel badly about those kids being so, well, rude, and as she was leaving the car she smiled and said, "Hi. I'm gifted. Would you like fries with that?" :D

[Hedgehog]

With the caveat that I don't see my dc as being overly bright (I never know - how do you assess that??) - I think my eldest two dds are a bit like this. Apart from very occasional issues, they're good kids - mature, sensible, helpful, thoughtful, etc. But they don't fit in with their age group at all - at least not with the pre-teen kids that we know. They're not bothered about clothes/fashion, not silly about boys, and my 11yo especially works hard to include loners in groups (probably because she knows what it's like to be sidelined). On the other hand, they're also very "innocent" - not that they don't know about the birds and the bees, but they're just not interested, really; and all of my dc are very sensitive to anything they read or watch - only just this past week, they went to a friend's house and watched something called Horrible Histories on TV and my 9yo had terrible nightmares for two nights on the trot.

 

You know what? Despite them not fitting in with the kids we know who are their age, I don't really care. I like them as they are. I like the fact that they are kind to others, and that they're not inured to on-screen violence. Moreover, other people like them as they are - I often get compliments about them, whether it be from random strangers in stores, neighbours, or people at church.

 

I agree with whoever said that "peers" and friends don't have to be people of the same age. When I think of people I would consider to be my close friends, they range in age from 16 to 95 (I'm in my 30s). I'm friends with them because we share the same faith, a similar worldview, interests, or even just a similar way of raising kids.

 

OP.. if your dd gets along with people you personally respect, then I really don't think it matters how old they are. "He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." I'll be encouraging my dc to find - and keep - wise friends, regardless of what form they come in.

[-M-]

Danielle (The Loner) shares many of the characteristics you have attributed to your daughter. You both may be interested to see what Robbins concludes.

[deacongirl]

Danielle (The Loner) shares many of the characteristics you have attributed to your daughter. You both may be interested to see what Robbins concludes.

 

I didn't see the book directly mentioned, but agree it would be interesting:

The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth

http://www.amazon.com/Geeks-Shall-Inherit-Earth-Popularity/dp/1401302025

[lovemyboys]

.......

I agree with whoever said that "peers" and friends don't have to be people of the same age. When I think of people I would consider to be my close friends, they range in age from 16 to 95 (I'm in my 30s). I'm friends with them because we share the same faith, a similar worldview, interests, or even just a similar way of raising kids.

 

OP.. if your dd gets along with people you personally respect, then I really don't think it matters how old they are. "He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." I'll be encouraging my dc to find - and keep - wise friends, regardless of what form they come in.

 

 

 

Your dd sounds a lot like I was at that age. I loved reading classics and the books well beyond my "age" -- many of my friends were reading VC Andrews and things like that. I read those but I also read Shaara on the Civil War and books on Idi Amin Dada, the gang of 4, etc.

 

She sounds like a wonderful person -- well-rounded, sensible, funny and self-aware, besides smart. That's good. Also sounds like you're doing a great job, she's a nice person and comfortable with who she is. She's moving easily among people that interest and challenge her. The converse would be sad for you -- that she was a loner or didn't easily mix with good, wise people or that she was all-consumed by the mental candy that many teens are. She will find friends who have similar interests that she can really enjoy. But she probably won't be a big crowd kind of person. And that's ok.

 

I wouldn't sweat the occasional awkwardness about social fluff. For me, not being knee-deep in all of that high school nonsense helped me to focus on life outside my tiny little town. A dozen of my classmates were married by the time we finished h.s. and some had babies. (I give them big credit for finishing!) I knew I wanted more and that reading and thinking on deeper things was more important. You've heard that old saying, "These are the best 4 years of your life" often said about high school. When I heard that, I thought, "No way! I have a whole life to live -- and it's over by the time I'm 18? No way!"

 

The other thing is that dh & I have always had friends of all ages. I think that's partly due to having friends through h.s. that were unconventional ... older, younger, outside my "peer" group. Kwim?

 

(Now I'm interested to see these books recommended here....)

[Laura Corin]

Two avenues: finding different groups, and finding interests in common. Calvin hasn't found many people to discuss books with, but has found debating club to be a good source of interesting friends. Computer gaming is a good subject for teenage boys: it's not something that we let him do in moderation, and it's a social activity at this age. Is there something similar for girls that she would enjoy but wouldn't be unacceptable to you?

 

Laura

[Geo]

nm

Edited June 4, 2011 by Geo

[snickelfritz]

I told her that she shouldn't feel ashamed that she was smart and please not to feel badly about those kids being so, well, rude

 

But from what you described, I don't feel they were being rude. They came over and invited her to join them. Beyond that, part of getting along socially is knowing your audience. She said something they couldn't relate to. That doesn't make them rude, anymore than her.

 

I agree with the others...

 

1. She can find people more like her in college.

 

2. She could investigate cultural things that her peers are interested in. This doesn't mean she has to dumb herself down or act dumb. But, if everyone around her is talking about a movie....go see it. She doesn't need to fake her opinion, but it gives her a jumping off point for discussions. And maybe she can introduce her friends to some deeper movies or books.

[goldberry]

I'm guessing that they stared at her b/c she used very different vocabulary than they are used to, and it marked her as a cultural outsider.

 

She has a few options (and it's really her choice of how she wants to proceed):

1. Desire to fit in with same-age peers and develop her pop culture knowledge so that she can converse and blend in easily when needed. She would be broadening her 'interests' so that there is some overlap with the late high school/college crowd. Some ways to do that would be reading popular magazines (including advertisements), listening to popular songs on the radio or online as a lot of lingo comes from songs, and getting a few soundbites on fashion trends and food trends. Some reality TV would probably help too. She could view this as a 'pop culture study' and it would probably serve her well for being able to branch into this world.

 

2. If she has no interest in this, she can continue as she is now with her current friends and spending time with adults. As she gets older, she'll be able to get to know grad school students where she's more likely to find like-minded peers (it's just a few years away at this point). If she's content with her currently social circle then I don't know that she needs to branch out in the way described above. It's really her choice - if she feels limited then the above is how to 'broaden' herself socially. But it obviously comes at a cost too.

 

I find this to be good advice. I was one of the kids like your daughter. In my later teens I decided I was tired of it. I was friends with a girl who always fit it, and I liked the quality of being able to make others feel comfortable and not awkward. Basically I studied her like a science project, and then practiced imitating her. I have kept these qualities through adulthood.

 

There is something to be said for being able to blend socially with different types of people, and being able to make others feel comfortable around you.

 

I have a DD12 who often makes me crazy with her lack of academic interest. However, she is a little social butterfly who loves people and makes friends with everyone. I value that quality because it was one that I lacked and had to develop intentionally.

 

ETA, I agree, if the kids were being rude they never would have invited her over.

[purplemama]

I tend to agree with morosophe. My son--we call him The Brain (not to his face)-- has always had a hard time fitting in with others his age, because he thinks about, reads about, and talks about different things than they do. He is a "geek" to most other kids, just like I was. I never fit in either. I still don't. I'm surprised I ever got married and had kids, for that matter! However, it doesn't bother my son--just me. I keep my mouth shut. He makes it hard for other people to relate to him in a lot of ways besides the intellectual--he is very sensitive, likes to be in charge, and is pretty inflexible...in that, if things don't go as planned, he has a hard time adjusting to the change and attempting a plan b. Don't know if this helps...just my own way of saying I agree with morosophe. Ds definitely can hold his own in conversations with adults. I take comfort in the fact that he will not have vapid concerns about being cool.

[Mejane]

.

Edited June 7, 2011 by Mejane

[Sevilla]

He makes it hard for other people to relate to him in a lot of ways besides the intellectual--he is very sensitive, likes to be in charge, and is pretty inflexible...in that, if things don't go as planned, he has a hard time adjusting to the change and attempting a plan b. Don't know if this helps...just my own way of saying I agree with morosophe. Ds definitely can hold his own in conversations with adults. I take comfort in the fact that he will not have vapid concerns about being cool.

These are common social skills issues (inflexibility, oversensitivity, difficulty with give-and-take) and are something kids can learn to grow beyond into more mature ways of relating. Not relating to them well is not due to being more intelligent than his peers - I had a friend in high school who was brilliant and into particle physics. He delighted in talking about things like the theory of relativity (he recently got his PhD while in his mid-20's in the field). But he was also very personable, interested in other people, and had a variety of friends (who did not share his main interests) - that continues to this day as an adult.

 

I personally think it's a cop out to say 'he's not interested in being cool and has nothing in common with others his age' b/c generally when this description is true it points to gaps on social skills development (the fact that he gets along fine with adults in conversation doesn't really mean anything b/c generally adults overlook social gaffes in children). This is a topic that I am fairly passionate about b/c I believe that intentional training in social skills is just as important as intentional training in reading/writing/math skills and I make it a point to incorporate these things with my kids. Social stuff comes more easily to some kids than others, and if it's not intuitive for you then it's something that requires extra practice, extra teaching, and extra explanation. It's no different than a child who struggles with math - you don't avoid math, you investigate different ways of helping them understand and use it until it's not as difficult anymore.

 

This is a great book on the subject of social skills (the author also runs social skills workshops for kids who are weak in that area): Raise Your Child's Social IQ: Stepping Stones to People Skills for Kids

 

Here is the author's site with more information: Cathi Cohen's Website

Edited June 5, 2011 by Sevilla

[Little Nyssa]

I have wanted a thread on this topic for a LONG time. Thanks for posting.

[Margo out of lurking]

Ginger, I don't have any advice. My dd is much the same way. A lot of the girls she's been around in the past talk about what they ate for breakfast or go back and forth with, "You're so cute!" "No, YOU are so cute!" "Oh, you are SO much cuter!" It drives her crazy.

 

My dd has always been more of a loner, so I don't think this has been too much of an issue with her. She has found a group that she fits with much better, although it's something she doesn't get to do very often.

 

I'm reading this thread with great interest though, because my dd is quite unsocial. While she's fine being "unsocial," it usually comes across as rude. She really struggles with the basics of conversing and exchanging small talk with both people she knows well and new acquaintances. Thanks to the pp's for the book suggestions.

[Blueridge]

But from what you described, I don't feel they were being rude. They came over and invited her to join them. Beyond that, part of getting along socially is knowing your audience. She said something they couldn't relate to. That doesn't make them rude, anymore than her...

Yes, I agree. I was speaking about their *staring* at her :blink: and never acknowledging that she had even spoken, and then turning back to each other's comments. She really felt embarrassed. She assured me that she wasn't geeking out or anything ;), just sharing her opinion of a book she had read.

 

Ginger, I don't have any advice. My dd is much the same way. A lot of the girls she's been around in the past talk about what they ate for breakfast or go back and forth with, "You're so cute!" "No, YOU are so cute!" "Oh, you are SO much cuter!" It drives her crazy...

Exactly. :001_huh: And to you, Kristine...:grouphug: Your dd is wonderful.

Thanks again for all the wisdom you've all shared with me today! It was all most helpful. This afternoon we sat and had a nice talk about some things, and she told me that she felt so much more comfortable with adults. If she's OK with that, I should be, too. :)

 

ETA: It's funny, because our oldest was the worst science geek ever lol. She couldn't find anybody to talk to, either. Now she's making 4.0's in grad school and hanging out with professors, so I think everything eventually works out the way it's supposed to. :)

Edited June 5, 2011 by Blueridge

[zaichiki]

My oldest realizes that he didn't make any real friends when he went to school last year b/c he just didn't have anything in common with the kids. If he chooses to talk about the things he likes and really doesn't want to talk about the things he thinks are shallow, superficial, and boring, that doesn't doesn't mean he has social skills issues. Put him with a group of other kids near his age with similar interests and drive and he has GREAT social skills. Drop him into a classroomful of similarly-aged kids steeped in popular culture who are not used to the types of words he uses and suddenly he has social skills issues? I'm sorry: I don't buy it.

 

Adults generally choose friends who are like themselves. We have something in common. We have similar interests and experiences. We have similar values and goals in life. We can count on one another. Kids do this too.

 

OP, it sounds like your dd needs to find other girls who share her interests. Any clubs (maybe through a university) in her area(s) of interest? Any competitions or events in her area of interest where there might be other girls her age?

[deacongirl]

My oldest realizes that he didn't make any real friends when he went to school last year b/c he just didn't have anything in common with the kids. If he chooses to talk about the things he likes and really doesn't want to talk about the things he thinks are shallow, superficial, and boring, that doesn't doesn't mean he has social skills issues. Put him with a group of other kids near his age with similar interests and drive and he has GREAT social skills. Drop him into a classroomful of similarly-aged kids steeped in popular culture who are not used to the types of words he uses and suddenly he has social skills issues? I'm sorry: I don't buy it.

 

Adults usually choose friends with whome they have something in common We have similar interests and experiences. We have similar values and goals in life. We can count on one another.

 

OP, it sounds like your dd needs to find other girls who share her interests. Any clubs (maybe through a university) in her area(s) of interest? Any competitions or events in her area of interest where there might be other girls her age?

 

:iagree::iagree: very well said!

[snickelfritz]

I do think for deep friendships, that most people will gravitate towards people of similar interests. And that will never be easier than college. And I am very emphatic about women not needing to play dumb.

 

BUT

 

There is real value in being able to comfortably converse with your average peer group. In the OP's situation, it was a group of kids from her church. Maybe they won't be best buds, but does she never want to hang out with them?

 

I have an engineering degree. When I was a senior and did some capstone/job hunt classes, they emphasized being personable and working in a group. Why? Employers didn't want these Dilbert-esque engineers. They want people who have the brains (as evidenced by the diploma and grades) AND the ability to deal with a variety of people. Shop people, other engineers, customers, etc.... Dh (also an engineer) actually had an interviewer ask him what his favorite cartoon was. I had one ask me about my favorite pet. Technical stuff. :D.

 

It is legitimate to say that being able to tailor your conversation to your audience IS most definitely a social skill. One of the more sought after people in my graduating class was also Miss-University. She was extremely personable and could charm a fish from a starving man. AND she was smart. $$$$$$$

[snickelfritz]

I was speaking about their *staring*P at her and never acknowledging that she had even spoken, and then turning back to each other's comments. She really felt embarrassed. She assured me that she wasn't geeking out or anything , just sharing her opinion of a book she had read

 

This is hard. Despite my previous long post, don't think I'm one of the extroverted ones who finds conversation easy. I can fake it for short times.

 

I was voted most likely to read the encyclopedia in school. Seriously. I don't know what happened to my brain cells, since I studied Latin for fun in High School and I read mostly urban fantasy now.:tongue_smilie:

 

But, I do still think there are two separate issues here:

1. Encouraging them to find friends with real similar interests.

2. Helping them learn to deal with conversations with people without similar interests. They are going to run into them a LOT. They might find that they can enjoy them, even if they aren't soul-mate friends. But, enough to enjoy coffee or a group project or just get the job done without tears and bloodshed.

[Tap]

Ds16 is like this and he found 2 casual friends who have similar interests. As a 13yo, he became friends with a kid who was 3 years younger but had similar interests and then a 3rd boy became part of the group. At first, when he started hanging out with a 10yo, I was curious why. Then when I met the kid, I realized how similar they were. The other boy was a bit immature but the basic personality was a match. (A couple weeks ago they were sitting at the table discussing Latin derivatives and heavy metal music LOL)

 

At church, he was invited to join the men's bible study at age 15. One of the leaders and I were talking one day and he mentioned how much intelligent conversation ds offers and how much he enjoys having him in the group. This group is made up of men in their early-mid 20s.

 

He is in the teen group at church, but I have also noticed that there are many times when he is in conversation with not only the teens but the leaders as well.

 

 

I think he has grown a much larger friendship base the older he gets. For a lot of people it is the opposite. As kids they have a lot of friends, but as they get older they narrow. Due to his large knowledge base, he has many friends with varied commonalities.

[Mrs Mungo]

This is hard. Despite my previous long post, don't think I'm one of the extroverted ones who finds conversation easy. I can fake it for short times.

 

I was voted most likely to read the encyclopedia in school. Seriously. I don't know what happened to my brain cells, since I studied Latin for fun in High School and I read mostly urban fantasy now.:tongue_smilie:

 

But, I do still think there are two separate issues here:

1. Encouraging them to find friends with real similar interests.

2. Helping them learn to deal with conversations with people without similar interests. They are going to run into them a LOT. They might find that they can enjoy them, even if they aren't soul-mate friends. But, enough to enjoy coffee or a group project or just get the job done without tears and bloodshed.

 

I second everyone snickelfritz has said, except I was the Lit major intelligentsia type vs. the engineer type.

 

It's a good idea to be able to converse and find things in common with all sorts of people. How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great place to start, imo.

[FrogMom5]

I agree with Snickelfritz about there being 2 issues involved. My ds15 is like this too. He gets frustrated and says conversations revolve around video games or girls. He wants to discuss a broader range of topics and on a deeper level than most kids his age. We've talked about how he has a better chance of finding a more compatible peer group in college, especially grad. school.

 

We've also discussed how to "chit chat." He has read "How to Win Friends..." and "How to Make People Like You in One Minute or Less" (I think that's the name of the book) and he practices every chance he gets. Hopefully, over time, he will get better at it. I've never really mastered it but I hope he does.

 

:grouphug:s to your dd. Things will improve for her as she enters college.

Denise

[Cassy]

These are common social skills issues (inflexibility, oversensitivity, difficulty with give-and-take) and are something kids can learn to grow beyond into more mature ways of relating. Not relating to them well is not due to being more intelligent than his peers - I had a friend in high school who was brilliant and into particle physics. He delighted in talking about things like the theory of relativity (he recently got his PhD while in his mid-20's in the field). But he was also very personable, interested in other people, and had a variety of friends (who did not share his main interests) - that continues to this day as an adult.

 

I personally think it's a cop out to say 'he's not interested in being cool and has nothing in common with others his age' b/c generally when this description is true it points to gaps on social skills development (the fact that he gets along fine with adults in conversation doesn't really mean anything b/c generally adults overlook social gaffes in children). This is a topic that I am fairly passionate about b/c I believe that intentional training in social skills is just as important as intentional training in reading/writing/math skills and I make it a point to incorporate these things with my kids. Social stuff comes more easily to some kids than others, and if it's not intuitive for you then it's something that requires extra practice, extra teaching, and extra explanation. It's no different than a child who struggles with math - you don't avoid math, you investigate different ways of helping them understand and use it until it's not as difficult anymore.

 

This is a great book on the subject of social skills (the author also runs social skills workshops for kids who are weak in that area): Raise Your Child's Social IQ: Stepping Stones to People Skills for Kids

 

Here is the author's site with more information: Cathi Cohen's Website

 

 

I completely agree with your first paragraph, and in fact I believe that for a child struggling with 'fitting in' and being able to relate to peers in a confident, relaxed way, then social skills training offers real hope.

 

Your second paragraph bothered me a little. I don't think it's a cop to say 'he's not interested in being cool and he's got nothing in common with some of the children his age'. In the case of my son, I would not encourage him to play violent, nasty video games intended for people much older than him just so that he could find something to talk about with the boys in his class. Nor would I particularly want him to be so knowledgeable about s£x and obscene words just to be able to fit in. In my mind it is the other boys in his class who have the deficiency in social skills, not him. (They do, in fact, take great pleasure in teasing him, asking him if he knows what particular obscene words mean, knowing that he won't). As I said earlier, DS does have good friends his age outside of school, and gets on well with his brothers, so it's not a hopeless situation, but I can see how for some children it might feel that way if they didn't have any friends who were sufficiently like them, and especially if they were being blamed for not having social skills.

 

There is also the opposite side of the coin in the issue of 'belonging' and 'fitting in', that of peer pressure, which can be a great deal more of a problem.

 

Cassy