The day has come ... With I could just make some bean dip!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

This is probably my 3rd (at least) post about all this junk!

 

Tomorrow I tell my father about the kids and school. I had planned it to be a decent time. But then he had to throw a curveball and tell me his wife is coming this weekend as well. :glare:

 

If I don't say anything, they'll imply I'm hiding it, which equals me knowing that it's "wrong." His wife is a highschool principal and able to win any chat, which is how she acts, like everything needs to be won.

 

I have a confirmation for dd's classes, and an idea of added things. My father thinks it's awesome that we're learning latin. I have not had such positive responses about american sign language :confused:.

 

DS is official, but we have to have an IEP meeting, and the sped director has to approve the final placement. I do have a general idea of how it will work with him.

 

I've spoken at length with most of my family and have only gotten one negative! :D. The best was my southern grandmother who said we shouldn't be using the cyber school, that I should just homeschool because I'm intelligent enough! This is the woman who never thinks anyone does anything right!

 

The kids are already registered, so it will not turn into a decision arguement. It's done and is staying done.

 

In my "speech" I'm addressing "what about socialization?" "you're not smart enough." "what about a job?" and "how are you going to handle them at home?" Should I add any others? I do much better when prepared. Unlike his wife, I'm horrible about speaking out of my *tush* and will just sit there like duh! The biggest positive (for this purpose) in all this is that cyber school IS public school, just from home. I'm not the teacher, I'm the learning coach.

 

If I can't teach something, the regular teacher can't get it to click, or the sped teacher can't, we can always go to one of the offices. There's one 20 minutes away. Whoever is having a hard time can sit down with a teacher. But if we ever get to that point, the child is just simply not ready for that concept.

 

**Would anyone be willing to argue the sterotyped questions/concerns about homeschooling so I can "practice?" PLEASE :).

 

ETA- Title spelling is bugging me. It should be WISH I could make some bean dip.

Edited May 5, 2011 by amo_mea_filiis

[NanceXToo]

Maybe I'm just an avoider, but after 4 years of homeschooling I have never officially sat down and announced it to anyone. If you don't feel comfortable with your dad's wife being there during the announcement, then don't announce it at that point. You are an adult. You don't need their permission.

 

just my 2 cents ;)

 

I agree. The people I thought would be supportive, we told in person. The people I thought might potentially look to debate our choice or interrogate us, I sent an email stating this is what we're going to do, and briefly this is why, and we hope you have your support even if it is not a choice you would personally make.

 

If someone then has a genuine question or two in the interest of understanding or being supportive, by all means, answer it if you want to. But if it seems like they're just looking to prove you wrong, refuse to engage. "This is the choice we've made for our family. It is not up for debate or further discussion."

 

You do NOT have to sit there with your father and his wife as if you were in some sort of conference or school meeting trying to plead your case to them.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

He pays our rent, and I don't want it to turn into a money conversation down the road. I would also like the kids to be able to talk to their grandfather about school and how excited they are about next year.

 

The rest of my family is not physically involved like my father is, which is why I wasn't too concerned about their reactions. My father visits every 3 weeks, which hopefully will be reducing.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

You do NOT have to sit there with your father and his wife as if you were in some sort of conference or school meeting trying to plead your case to them.

 

Even when I just say "Hi, how have you been?" to her, I feel like I was sent to the principal's office!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

This woman can take the joy out of a birth!

 

Staying excited is my plan. I will mostly address my father, and focus on how technology based the stepmother's school is.

[In The Great White North]

Ah ok. Well I'd probably just sound super excited about it. It's harder to disagree with a person who is so excited. :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

 

In my "speech" I'm addressing "what about socialization?" "you're not smart enough." "what about a job?" and "how are you going to handle them at home?"

 

I wouldn't address any of those. They are all defensive arguments against what we know to be nonsense. You don't want to be on the defensive, trying to justify your decision. If she wants to argue them, tell her there have been lots of studies she can google for herself if she would like to learn more about it.

 

We did not make an announcement. It just came out in conversation. But, our circumstances were different. Since you feel the need to have a speech and know she will try to make it difficult, I recommend that you gush enthusiastically about all the wonderful things you'll be able to do. Make all your your speech positive and don't let her put you on the defensive.

[Word Nerd]

Making a prepared speech to officially declare and defend your decision sounds more like the opposite of passing the bean dip! I would make the announcement more casually if at all possible.

 

If you need to have a money conversation with him or discuss your future plans since he's financially supporting you, that's a different matter and isn't really about homeschooling.

 

I hope it goes well!

Edited May 5, 2011 by WordGirl

[radiobrain]

Well, let me see if I have this right... you'll be e-schooling, correct? Then "technically" you're not homeschooling, you'll still be under the PS umbrella. I think this should be much easier to explain to any irritating ex-principal. :D

 

I think you should not make a big deal about it, as it is just one more educational choice you are making for your kids. It is not very different from changing public schools or going to private school.

 

You should point out that the standard way of education is changing, and in a few years, it will look very different. Heck, my state of Ohio just introduced Flex Credit where in high school you can have on-line classes, outside activities, and life experiences count as official high school credit.

 

I think no matter what you say or do, this woman will be difficult, as that seems to be her normal mode of interacting. Just explain that you have considered everything, and right now this is best decision for your family.

 

Point out the positives, and say that you have considered the negatives, but that you will do your best to make those as minimal as possible.

 

I have barely had any coffee, so take my ramblings with a few tablespoons of salt. ;)

[Margo out of lurking]

The biggest positive (for this purpose) in all this is that cyber school IS public school, just from home.

 

I'd skip the speech all together. I'd casually mention, "Hey, I wanted you to know the kids are switching schools next year," and when they ask, say that they'll be using the cyber school. For almost any question, I'd feign confusion: "What do you mean, I can't teach? They HAVE a teacher!" "Handle them at home? I handle them every day! I've raised them, for pete's sake!" "Lol, Dad! The cyber school's done this for years!" "Socialization? In the classroom? Well, we have a difference of opinion there!"

 

If you put yourself in a defensive position to begin with, your dad is more likely to play off of that. Since he's helping you financially, he may feel that you need him to make decisions for you. (Was his plan that you should work so he could stop paying?)

 

I'd work hard at avoiding a discussion over it, and I'd particularly avoid the word "homeschool."

 

He may never get on board. I didn't tell my dad for a few weeks after we began hsing (9+ years ago). His stupid comments continued until I told him (last year) that hsing was no longer a topic of discussion.

[Halftime Hope]

Amo, you have no obligation to do this in any specific way that is any choice but yours. (The first rule of negotiation is to know what you want.)

 

If you are uncomfortable with the vibe from your dad's wife, you control the situation so that you don't have to deal with it. Take him out for a cup of coffee, a walk, whatever, so that you can break the news to him. Then, if you think it would be wise, and perhaps after asking him to have your back, you can all sit down together and you can break the news to her as well. (That way you are not putting him in an awkward position.)

 

I wonder if it would be helpful to her if you gave her a copy of WTM and tell her this is the kind of educational journey you are contemplating and that you thought she might enjoy catching a glimpse of your educational vision for your kids. (I would not invite her evaluation of your journey nor of the book.) A scope and sequence would be very familiar territory for her.

 

Here's a possible version of how it could play out:

 

Dad, wife, as I'm forming my educational philosophy and goals for these two, this is one of several books that has been very helpful to me, and I thought you might enjoy it as well. For this year, we have decided to take a transitional step and enroll them in the cyberschool, but our plan will continue to evolve. I know that you will have questions and concerns because you love the kids, but I'd like to ask you to hold on to those. The kids are ecstatic, and and I don't want you to miss the opportunity to share their joy and meet them where they are.

 

 

and so on....take as much as seems useful to you. :)

 

 

 

ETA: after reading some of the other posts, I'm having a headslap moment. Why should they even know you are considering homeschool? I'm with a couple of the other posters...cyberschool it is! Positive: your kids can get one on one with a teacher anytime they need it, for goodness sake!

Edited May 5, 2011 by Valerie(TX)

[Mama Geek]

I agree with with telling just your dad in a one on one conversation without his wife there if at all possible.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

He's helping with rent until we get housing assistance. It's cheaper for him for us to live out of state while he rents his basement to someone else, instead of us living there. The only transition is that I will be taking on my own car insurance soon. All other bills are mine (as it should be, I know), and I have not needed a bailout since we moved! This is the first time I've been on my own, and our income is all fixed. So no, he doesn't expect me to take on the rent until we have housing. I'm not sure if he likes supporting me as my father, or if it's a control thing, but when I mentioned housing he was kind of shocked that one day soon he would not be financially involved in our day to day living.

 

When she brings up homeschooling, I will make sure to correct her since that's not what we're doing.

 

Thank you for all the advice. And thank you for pointing out that I'm already defensive about this. I need to change my thinking.

[ChrissySC]

No matter what you say, absolutely do not "ditch" the public school system.

 

Instead, mention some well stated facts when asked. For example,

1. Almost 2.35 million children in grades k-12 homeschooled in 2010

2. If you homeschool, you are not dependent on public and tax-funded resources for your children's education - This broadens the scope, content, and flexibility of the education - you can customize and individualize curriculum and the learning environment for each child

3. Homeschooling is not a minority choice

4. Homeschooling is not just religous based - yet, it allows you to present all sides with regard to science and history and approach every source, inlcuding the Bible, which allows you to teach and impart a particular set of values, beliefs, and worldview to children

5. You provide guided and reasoned social interactions

6. A typical home-educated score is almost 30 percent higher than an average public school student on stanardized tests - the public school average is 50th percentile

7. Home-educated students typicaly score above average on the SAT and ACT test - used for consideration for college admission

8. Colleges are increasingly actively recruiting homeschooled students

9. Home-schooled adults typically participate in local community service more frequently, vote, attend public meetings, go to college and finish, and have values and beliefs

10. Because you want too

 

 

Go Here http://www.nheri.org/

 

I copied a great deal of their summarized information in the above statements.:lol:

 

Research used by NHERI:

A Homeschool Research Story

Home Educated and Now Adults

National Education Association

Worldwide Guide to Homeschooling

[nd293]

Maybe I'm just an avoider, but after 4 years of homeschooling I have never officially sat down and announced it to anyone. If you don't feel comfortable with your dad's wife being there during the announcement, then don't announce it at that point. You are an adult. You don't need their permission.

 

just my 2 cents ;)

 

I agree. And I would offer to put together some reading material rather than discussing all the socialisation etc issues. There's nothing to discuss, is there, so why waste the time? If they want to understand, that is of course different, and sharing information would be very helpful.

 

I do recognise that having the issue hovering at the edges of every conversation might not be much fun though - better to make the announcement on my own terms, perhaps. But defend my position? No.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

We're not homeschooling though. In PA, certain cyber schools are PS, just not in the traditional sense. My goal (not announcing this!) is to use the cyber as a jumping off point for HSing. I'm a crazy planner but can never get the plan up to my own standards, so I tend to bail. Cyber gives me a chance to have them home full time, follow the curriculum, and figure out what works for us. If we were in a low reporting state, I'd homeschool and learn as we go. But since we have high reporting requirements, it scares me. I'll either do too much and burn out or do way too little.

 

They already have issues with our (lack of) religious choices, so I'm leaving that out all together.

 

I also just realized that I need to start the weekend right and get her a mother's day card and maybe a little gift.

[ktgrok]

I wouldn't give a speech with the pros and cons, it sounds like you are overcompensating. I'd mention it super casually "oh, did I mention we are keeping the kids home and using a virtual school this year? I'm SOOOOO excited about having more time with them! And if we run into any snags we have a professional in the family we can ask for advice (said with big smile towards principal wife lady)." If they ask questions say "oh, I was worried about that too, but now that we have researched it I'm very comfortable with it".

 

Or, tell them you are thinking about adopting a sibling group of kids right after you mention homeschooling. That will totally distract them. And when you don't adopt, and just homeschool, they will be relieved :)

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Again, thank you! Great advice, and I'm taking all of it in!

[AuntieM]

If it were July or August and the new school year were fast approaching, I would better understand your need to share the news. But I find myself agreeing with the others - wait until his wife won't be around. You are excited about directing the education of your children - don't let anyone rob you of the joy of sharing that with your dad! Keep that frame of mind - that you are sharing news of your decision, not seeking his approval.

 

And Amo - I say this very gently - if your father assisting with housing finances gives him control over your parenting choices - you are going to face far bigger challenges down the road. If you really want to pass the bean dip, your recipe needs to standing firm in your own choices for your children. The bean dip thing is truly about boundaries, and there's a line that needs to be established here.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

And Amo - I say this very gently - if your father assisting with housing finances gives him control over your parenting choices - you are going to face far bigger challenges down the road. If you really want to pass the bean dip, your recipe needs to standing firm in your own choices for your children. The bean dip thing is truly about boundaries, and there's a line that needs to be established here.

 

This is why I am beyond excited about the available housing assistance. As soon as I am able to fully, 100% support us (Hmmm, maybe should have thought about this before having 2 kids with no husband :leaving:) I will have no problem creating the boundaries we so desperately need.

[nono]

Even when I just say "Hi, how have you been?" to her, I feel like I was sent to the principal's office!

 

Sounds like she was excellent at her job! :) Just trying to give you some lighthearted perspective -- it's who she is/was! Don't dis her. You never know who your allies are in any given conflict until it's underway. :grouphug: And, maybe it won't be a battle with anyone.

 

One thing I've found that tends to take the conflict down a level is not to stake the entire future on something. So, I'd approach it as, "We're trying this for next year because we think it'll be a good fit for the family. If it turns out it isn't, I'm not afraid to change the plan."

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Instead of thinking of your dad's wife as a potential adversary, is there a way to get her on your side as a fellow educator? Over the years I've shared lots of books and websites and education chats with many teachers. I don't let our homeschooling choice be a matter that they get a say in, but I will often ask them to recommend good kids' books or field trip destinations or educational websites or movies.

 

Give her something specific to help with, like making a suggestion about good science activities or creative math manipulatives or what books she loved reading as a kid.

 

When we started homeschooling, it was in a place where it went against all cultural and community norms. I quickly learned that if I sounded defensive, other people would poke at that. The more confident I was when speaking about homeschooling, the less likely they were to challenge it.

[HollyBee]

And Amo - I say this very gently - if your father assisting with housing finances gives him control over your parenting choices - you are going to face far bigger challenges down the road. If you really want to pass the bean dip, your recipe needs to standing firm in your own choices for your children. The bean dip thing is truly about boundaries, and there's a line that needs to be established here.

 

:iagree: as one who has issues with boundaries myself. :grouphug:

[hana]

You have received excellent advice here, so I have little to add. Just know that the role of confidence is huge.

 

It sounds like you have been the "child" in the relationship with your father for a long time because of the financial piece, so you may not have built up the confidence and autonomy that will really benefit you, and he, in his role, may even expect to have a voice in this decision.

 

Good luck!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

It sounds like you have been the "child" in the relationship with your father for a long time because of the financial piece, so you may not have built up the confidence and autonomy that will really benefit you, and he, in his role, may even expect to have a voice in this decision.

 

 

THIS exactly!

[MeganW]

One thing I've found that tends to take the conflict down a level is not to stake the entire future on something. So, I'd approach it as, "We're trying this for next year because we think it'll be a good fit for the family. If it turns out it isn't, I'm not afraid to change the plan."

 

Ditto. We told everyone that we were just planning on HSing for ONE year, in order to let the kids finish PT, OT, and vision therapy. After we've done it for a year, and everyone sees that the sky hasn't fallen, we'll tell them we are going to do it for just one more year! And eventually, my hope is that we won't have to discuss it every year! :)

 

Somehow, HSing for "just one year" isn't nearly as upsetting to people. Especially if you have a good "excuse", like needing to do therapies, kids are behind their peers and you want them to have one-on-one instruction to be sure they get caught up so they aren't permanently stuck in the bottom groups in their classes (we used that one too!), etc.

[ChrissySC]

We're not homeschooling though. In PA, certain cyber schools are PS, just not in the traditional sense. My goal (not announcing this!) is to use the cyber as a jumping off point for HSing. I'm a crazy planner but can never get the plan up to my own standards, so I tend to bail. Cyber gives me a chance to have them home full time, follow the curriculum, and figure out what works for us. If we were in a low reporting state, I'd homeschool and learn as we go. But since we have high reporting requirements, it scares me. I'll either do too much and burn out or do way too little.

 

They already have issues with our (lack of) religious choices, so I'm leaving that out all together.

 

I also just realized that I need to start the weekend right and get her a mother's day card and maybe a little gift.

 

Oh, you are choosing a virtual method of public education? Then, I am sorry. I fail to see the issue that she would have.

 

Sorry that I didn't answer your question! I perhaps was still needing coffee with my science ....

[RanchGirl]

If you put yourself in a defensive position to begin with, your dad is more likely to play off of that. Since he's helping you financially, he may feel that you need him to make decisions for you. (Was his plan that you should work so he could stop paying?)

 

I'd work hard at avoiding a discussion over it, and I'd particularly avoid the word "homeschool.".

 

:iagree: why try to convince people who are not open to convincing, and whose permission you don't need? Personally, I'd not mention it during the visit at all, it would be a phone call after the visit. You can control a phone call by manufacturing a reason to hang up. if they're in your living room and you are not a confident person, you may be stuck in a very uncomfortable discussion.

[Garga]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but these are the facts:

 

1. Dad is coming tomorrow.

2. Wife is coming with him. (She's combative.)

3. You want to tell Dad about cyberschooling w/o wife around.

4. The kids are gonna let the cat out of the bag this weekend, so you HAVE to tell him this weekend. (Can't wait for wife to be gone.)

 

Solution:

 

Call him tonight and tell him alone on the phone. Even if the wife is in the background, it's more one-on-one than if she were sitting there looking you in the eye. They'll have time to digest it and chill before they come over.

 

Don't use the word homeschool. Say cyberschool.

 

Pretend it's just for this year, if you start to turn chicken.

 

If they ask questions and you fumble with the answers say, "I'm not expressing this well at all! I know what I mean, but I'm having trouble putting it into words. I'm going to send you a bunch of websites that say it MUCH better than I am!" Then, change the subject. If they bring it back up say, "I'll get those websites to you."

 

 

ETA: When you call him I'd be honest and say it something like this:

 

"Dad, I'm calling to let you know that I'm changing schools for the kids. They'll be going to cyberschool. It's regular public school, but the kids learn online at home with me as their helper-teacher. I'm a little nervous about telling you because I'm afraid that Wife will think bad of me, being that she's a principal. She might think I don't appreciate her hard work as an educator and take this as a slap in the face. Do you think she'll be ok?" Then let him respond and go from there.

Edited May 5, 2011 by Garga

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Thanks again everyone!

 

I've decided to leave the connections academy program guide on the table with a printout of dd's course placement on the dining room table. It'll come up real quick!

 

I considered telling my father over the phone, but I don't want her to make it seem like he'd been "hiding" this.

 

I'm also going to treat them to dinner or breakfast at the diner in town and call it mother's day!

[chickadoodle3]

I guess I will argue. "What, you're going to do what? Well, I don't think that's a good idea. Your kids will not know how to get along with others their own age?" How's that for a start?

[chickadoodle3]

I think that is a great casual way to go about it. Don't be scared or nervous. Remember, these are your kids and it is your turn to raise them. Your father had his turn, now it's your turn. You are doing a great thing by bringing your kids home. I am proud of you even if you don't know me personally. As far as telling everyone else, I would not do it. If it comes up I would tell them but if they are not buying your food, clothes and everything else and raising you, then it really is of no concern to them. It does not affect them in their house or change their life any.

I think you are wanting validation. It is like someone else told you, you are an adult. And you are smart. You have taken good care of your kids thus far and you will continue to do well.

Don't let anyone make you feel inferior.

 

Treating them to dinner would be a very nice gesture.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

They have no friends right now, and get along better with kids at the park.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

chickadoodle- thank you!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

So far, not a horrible reaction. I left the program guide on the table hoping they'd ask, but it didn't work. I finally spit out that the kids are switching schools. My father's wife was upstairs when I told him. His only concern is, of course, the "social stuff".

 

I'll find out tomorrow what his wife says. I don't really care what she thinks, I just hope she doesn't try to start crap with my father over my decisions that will not physically effect them.

 

The kids are registered, my father knows, all is well!

 

Thanks again for the advice, support, and pep talks!

[Margo out of lurking]

:hurray:Yay, good news!!!!

[Little Nyssa]

Well, one strategy I like is saying: "We're just trying it for a year to see how it goes."

That way you are not stuck with anything. You can share your successes, and not feel pressure if in fact there are challenges or you decide eventually it won't work.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I made sure to make it very clear that they can go back to the regular public school at any time. For now, it's a 1 year trial.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

All went amazingly well!

 

My father got me a card for mother's day and wrote "you really are a wonderful mother" and he bought it AFTER I told him about school!!!

 

His wife gave me the typical social skills speech, asked if I spoke with the current school administration (for what?), and of course said it was the worst thing I could do to them (first time she said this was "having dd diagnosed aspie was the worst thing I could ever do to her"). But, knowing my father is ok with everything is all that really counts. He will not entertain any of her drama starting speeches over what I'm doing wrong, and that was one of my biggest fears.

 

DD was really funny; My father's wife was constantly making comments about things she's doing in her current school, and dd would very quickly spit back how she's going to have soooooo much more time to do these things that she loves (referring to art, music, and language). DS did great, too. He was just saying how annoying the kids are in school, and how the teacher never has time to help him, and he never gets (understands) anything. Oh, and he was extremely excited every time he mentioned that he'll have time to learn to cook and do science stuff, "you know like watching bugs". It was very cute.

[VA6336]

I'm so happy the weekend is going so well for you! :hurray:

 

I just wanted to add that my mother-in-law is an "Educator." Yep, with a capital "E," thank you very much. She was an upper elementary/middle school teacher for 15 years and in the last 5 years has made the transition into being a principal. We were terrified of telling her about homeschooling! And to our shock and surprise, after SHE got over the shock of it, she's actually been fine with it. She did have some initial concerns, mostly curiosity I think about the regulations/guidelines (she kept the rest of it to herself thank goodness), but now she's genuinely interested in what the kids are doing and has been supportive. Her way of showing us support is by bringing me extra supplies when a teacher leaves or when they switch curricula, the latest "gift" was a set of summer learning workbooks that their school gives their students. Not always something I can or will use, but it's appreciated because I know she means well.

 

Eventually, she brought up socialization (which caused my husband and I to roll eyes at each other across the room and mentally prepare the standard response) but then went on to shock US by saying how much MORE well socialized our children will be because we're homeschooling! :001_huh: I guess I lucked out! Anyway, all that to say that after a little time, your dad's wife just might come around. Especially since you're cyberschooling this year, that might give her just the level of comfort she'll need to see what good it's doing for your kids.

[RanchGirl]

I'm so glad it went well. How lovely that your father gave you a card and wrote that note!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Thank you