How do you handle younger child being advanced?

[soonermomma]

Here is a little background that I'm hoping will help you better understand my question:

 

My 5 year old dd (will be 6 in August) should technically be in Kindergarten by public school standards. She made the cut of by 6 days or she would have had to wait another year to start. She started out Kindergarten in public school and was testing WAY above average on everything. I pulled them to start homeschooling in November. She has been working on 1st grade work since January and is breezing right through it. She tells me all time that her math is too easy. She is reading pretty fluently as well. Her big sister that is 8 and finishing up 2nd grade struggles somewhat with school. She excels at English, but has struggled some with reading fluency, math and spelling (she has generalized anxiety disorder as well). So in August dd5 will be starting 2nd grade work and dd8 will be starting 3rd grade work. I will be teaching spelling, science, and social studies together but doing math, reading and english separately.

 

Here is my question, do I keep letting dd5 work ahead at the same pace she is or should I slow her down? My concern is if she keeps moving at the rate she is she is going to catch up with dd8 in no time. This wouldn't be a problem, but I'm afraid that it will be a big hit to dd8's self esteem and might really bother her. How would you handle this?

 

 

Sorry, I just realized this got really long!

[regentrude]

Not BTDT, but slowing down an accelerated learner won't work. If your younger one learns this easily, she will catch up with her sister, no matter what you do to prevent it.

If I were in the situation, I would first make sure they are using entirely different curricula! That way, it may be *some* 2nd grade math book the little one is using, but not THE one big sister just finished.

Also, I would try to emphasize differences in interests and find a different focus for their work. For example: if one is more interested in history and the other in animals, I'd make sure each can be an "expert" in her field and learn things the sibling does not. (Then, they can teach each other these things.)

 

Good luck.

[catz]

I'd make sure you are doing "hard" and "deep" curriculum with your younger, particularly in math. Dig around in this forum for suggestions. That can help slow things down a bit. You can also just let your younger follow your older for science and history - that's what we do.

[Ester Maria]

Please don't slow her down! Denying the gifted child the right to advance academically on their own pace for the sake of not hurting others is just so unspeakably cruel and, even more important, it won't work! Not on the long run at least, if your younger DD is truly exceptional (rather than just advanced due to "nurture", being around older siblings etc.).

 

Those differences are very, very real and deep. You can attempt to "tame" them a little, but on the long run, everybody will just have to look to the truth straight in the eyes: we aren't made equal, with equal capacities and talents. Just like you would probably never (I hope) prevent a talented child from being advanced into sports or music just because a sibling can't do it too, don't prevent her from learning either. It's a huge disservice to everyone involved and bound to provoke huge resentment and negative feelings on the long run. There are few worse things you can do to your child other than willingly preventing them from learning and growing.

 

Both of my school-aged kids are fairly exceptional by the school and psychology standards, but it hasn't made the situation much easier, since the differences are still felt, even if the range we're talking about is "shifted". It was a bit easier since they were barely a year apart so I could use that fact, plus the fact the younger kid grew up with older sibling and got "influenced", to "excuse" the situation to the older one, but what really saved me was the fact that they naturally went into different directions interests-wise, so each had a feeling of "owning" a few areas. I kept them almost completely separate in the younger years, with different history and literature track, though math and sciences (in which the younger one naturally excels) were the toughest to totally separate them and I even had them working together on and off, on the same level... before the younger just outgrew the eldest by all reasonable means and had to take those areas significantly advanced. However, I felt that was compensated by the older kid's tangible linguistic advantage, i.e. by foreign languages and lit. I still felt it necessary to separate them as much as possible until they mature to the point of being able to appreciate their differences about strength areas and learn from each other.

 

Talk to kids and emphasize individual strengths. Pray they discover different interests, that saves the situation :D. Even be outright honest with the older kid if needed (without the younger one present, no need to hear it) by telling her that her sister is, simply put, extraordinary and that those differences need to be respected. And that she, is the older sibling, is in no way "threatened" by the younger one being different - each is getting an education that she needs. Quite often honesty is a good option, if communicated nicely, because it allows everyone appreciate the situation without "hiding" the facts from kids.

 

Using different curricula might be a good option too, so even if they're technically working on the same things (or the younger one on even harder ones) it might be a big easier "psychologically" on both of them to have, in that way, separate educations.

[AngelBee]

This is why I do a lot of studies all together...such as read alouds.

 

It can be challenging.

 

I have a ds6 and a dd4 doing K right now. Dd4 is blending words better than ds6. I am scared it will shake hs confidence, so I have them "read" to me in private.

[NittanyJen]

Look at it this way.

 

My DS7 is now 3cm taller than my DS10.

 

I am not going to saw off my little guy's legs, just to make DS10 feel better about himself. DS10 understands that he is still the "big brother," no matter what. DS7 also, despite some marked learning disabilities, excels in mathematics and is very logical (he's too little for a formal "logic" curriculum yet; it's just the way he thinks and analyzes things-- as a 7YO, he can already see parallels between different threads of history and make great intuitive leaps that leave peoples' jaws hanging). He also has a passion for art. I'm not an artist, so I can't objectively say whether he's "talented" or not, but he sure tries hard and I like what he produces :).

 

I point out to DS10, however, and he really gets this, that he also has specialties. He does not need to be better than his brother at EVERYTHING, and having each of them good at something makes them a stronger brother to brother team. DS10 is stronger and more coordinated, is older and therefore more experienced, and reads the way most people breathe. And he comprehends and remembers absolutely everything he reads, and is also beginning to carry a tune rather nicely.

 

Each child has their own unique gifts, and these must be nurtured and encouraged (not to the exclusion of other areas, but you get the idea). To deny your younger child's abilities just to pacify the older one would be cruel to your younger child's needs. Far more productive would be to discover what your older child excels at and make sure she has time to pursue that outlet as well. Academics are super important, but they are not the only thing in life, either. And guess what? I know a number of people who are academically gifted, but who did not do so well in college, and others who were "average" who went on to become doctors, lawyers, business owners, or (importantly) just generally happy, successful people, whether their success was in the boardroom or the kitchen. They learned to work hard to get what they wanted, and that ethic got them places.

 

My DS7 has a genetic disorder, yet I do not fear much for his future. His attitute towards himself is, "I just need to work harder to be like the other kids." And work harder is exactly what he does-- all on his own, without me pushing him. Sometimes the kids who struggle a bit more actually end up with a leg up on the world.

 

I would let your older child know that it isn't what "level" of math she's working at that matters; it's whether she does her best every day that she works on it. If she does that, she can be very proud of herself and her achievements.

 

Jen

PS I loved the suggestion from an earlier poster to use different curriculae for the children if you think it's really going to be an issue-- it might be less "in your face."

 

***Just make sure that this isn't more of an issue for you than it is for your children. Oftentimes kids are cooler about this stuff than their parents realize, or get over it faster, esp if Mom and Dad don't make a big fuss over it. My boys are not that fussed over the height differential-- until some oaf insists on pointing it out in their faces and makes a big deal over it, as if they are unaware of their heights. Usually it's someone who's unaware of my son's disorder, as other than the tall stature, he doesn't really look atypical in any way.

 

**May is X & Y Chromosome Variation Awareness Month!

http://thefocusfoundation.org

http://genetic.org

[2smartones]

If your kids both have the same genetic make-up (meaning... same biological mother and father), they're almost certainly on an equal scale for intelligence. Kids are different, though! Personalities are different, and even looks are different. I'm short, fat, and have dark hair/eyes. My brother is tall, skinny, and blond/blue. We have the same parents, though!

 

My point is -

 

It doesn't matter that one child excels in school and the other doesn't. RIGHT NOW, you need to talk to the older one and assure her that there is nothing wrong with her. Think of something she does very well. Point it out to her and ask her, "does this mean you're better than so-and-so because you can do this and they can't?" Of course she'll say no. Now point out how well the younger one is doing, and ask the same question, "does this mean Suzie-Q is better than you because she can do math better than you?" Of course not. Tell her you love her no matter what, and that if the world were full of red apples, it would be a boring world. We need green ones and yellow ones, too. Some apples taste great straight from the tree, and some taste better mixed with cinnamon & sugar, baked in a pie.

 

I actually DID have this conversation with my oldest son quite a while back. I could already tell there would come a day when his little brother would catch or pass him in math. My oldest son has a language arts strength that no one we know in person or online has every matched, but he can't do math to save his life. My younger son is great with math. They realize they're very different, and that they're equally smart, but that their strengths are given by God for a purpose. God doesn't make mistakes. Actually, I think it has brought them closer. They enjoy being able to do subjects together, so the more they can share, the better. It's easy for siblings to share things like science or history, but not very many are able to share something like math.

Edited May 3, 2011 by 2smartones

[Donna]

Please don't slow her down! Denying the gifted child the right to advance academically on their own pace for the sake of not hurting others is just so unspeakably cruel and, even more important, it won't work! Not on the long run at least, if your younger DD is truly exceptional (rather than just advanced due to "nurture", being around older siblings etc.).

 

Those differences are very, very real and deep. You can attempt to "tame" them a little, but on the long run, everybody will just have to look to the truth straight in the eyes: we aren't made equal, with equal capacities and talents. Just like you would probably never (I hope) prevent a talented child from being advanced into sports or music just because a sibling can't do it too, don't prevent her from learning either. It's a huge disservice to everyone involved and bound to provoke huge resentment and negative feelings on the long run. There are few worse things you can do to your child other than willingly preventing them from learning and growing.

 

Both of my school-aged kids are fairly exceptional by the school and psychology standards, but it hasn't made the situation much easier, since the differences are still felt, even if the range we're talking about is "shifted". It was a bit easier since they were barely a year apart so I could use that fact, plus the fact the younger kid grew up with older sibling and got "influenced", to "excuse" the situation to the older one, but what really saved me was the fact that they naturally went into different directions interests-wise, so each had a feeling of "owning" a few areas. I kept them almost completely separate in the younger years, with different history and literature track, though math and sciences (in which the younger one naturally excels) were the toughest to totally separate them and I even had them working together on and off, on the same level... before the younger just outgrew the eldest by all reasonable means and had to take those areas significantly advanced. However, I felt that was compensated by the older kid's tangible linguistic advantage, i.e. by foreign languages and lit. I still felt it necessary to separate them as much as possible until they mature to the point of being able to appreciate their differences about strength areas and learn from each other.

 

Talk to kids and emphasize individual strengths. Pray they discover different interests, that saves the situation :D. Even be outright honest with the older kid if needed (without the younger one present, no need to hear it) by telling her that her sister is, simply put, extraordinary and that those differences need to be respected. And that she, is the older sibling, is in no way "threatened" by the younger one being different - each is getting an education that she needs. Quite often honesty is a good option, if communicated nicely, because it allows everyone appreciate the situation without "hiding" the facts from kids.

 

Using different curricula might be a good option too, so even if they're technically working on the same things (or the younger one on even harder ones) it might be a big easier "psychologically" on both of them to have, in that way, separate educations.

 

:iagree: What she said!

 

I also think it is important to notice and point out strengths in everyone so that a child doesn't feel she/he is better than people just because they excel at something.

 

I am very honest with my kids because they know anyway. Kids are way more intuitive than you might think and I think taking the honest route will save heartache in the future. Your oldest will know what her sister's talents are whether you point them out or not but if you are honest about them, she will not grow up thinking she didn't "live up to your expectations" and she will know that you appreciate her talents as well.

 

I don't mean you have to be "in her face" with it but I wouldn't try to slow the younger down or not answer questions when they arise and I would point out non-family member's areas of strength even those that might not be so obvious...ie. so and so is always happy or this person is really good at making others feel good about themselves or that one is good at singing, etc...

 

Last year, I used the same science and history curriculum for my then dd7 and ds12. It wasn't a problem for either of them. This year ds is in public school and though he and his sister are not using the same curriculum, they are doing the same math. The only reason I am not happy about that is that ds has had to go backward in math, one of his areas of strength, but he wanted to go to school and is doing what is available. The kids laugh about it all the time.

[EKS]

If your kids are biological siblings (and even if they're not), I'd looking to the possibility of learning disabilities for the older one. It is very likely that she is also very bright but something is preventing her from showing it academically.

 

As for what to do, I agree with the others. Don't slow the younger one down. She may slow down a bit anyway once you get to something challenging. You just have to find that point. I would also use different materials with her, preferably the most difficult you can find.

 

My kids are like this. The older one has dyslexia and ADHD. But they're almost 6 years apart, and so, thank goodness, the only area where the younger one has surpassed the older one is in spelling. However, it is very obvious to my older son that his younger brother is light years ahead of where he was academically at the same age. But he seems to be ok with that.

[regentrude]

If your kids both have the same genetic make-up (meaning... same biological mother and father), they're almost certainly on an equal scale for intelligence.

 

No, this is not true. You can even have highly gifted and mentally retarded siblings with the same biological parents.

[8filltheheart]

I have a couple of advanced kids that have surpassed older siblings. Most of the time it is not an issue b/c we support everyone's individuality and constantly affirm that they are who they are and all they simply need to worry about is being the best "them" they can be.

 

My 9th grader is significantly beyond my 11th grader. For a couple of yrs I taught them math together, but this yr they used completely different textbooks b/c she is simply in a different place. She is a trooper, but a few days ago she did get really upset. They are both taking the SAT2 math 2 on Sat. She has been studying for a few weeks and he hasn't studied at all. He took a practice test w/o having studied and scored significantly higher than dd will with all of her studying. She did have a meltdown.

 

But, again, we simply affirmed that he has his gifts and she has hers. And.......all gifts do not have to have anything to do with academics.

 

A couple of other thoughts......I really disagree with the idea that one gifted child means your other kids probably will be. I also disagree with the idea that accomplishing some skills at an early age translates to giftedness. I have kids all over the spectrum. My 11th grader was my strongest student at the youngest age (she talked in full paragraphs at 16 months. She was an early reader, etc. She is by far my weakest student now.)

 

Also, I couldn't have held back my ds if I had tried. You simply need to focus on every child as an individual and work with their strengths and weaknesses.

[Embassy]

Using different curriculum may be a good idea if your child is concerned or becomes competitive. I have a math situation where my younger son is on the heels of his older brother. He is 2 years younger, but half a book behind. I have them using the same curriculum and haven't had any issues yet.

[EKS]

I really disagree with the idea that one gifted child means your other kids probably will be.

 

The reason I always mention this whenever it comes up is that there is a *huge* difference between the way you deal with a kid who is gifted with learning disabilities and a kid who is simply of more average intelligence. Two large factors determining intelligence are nature and nurture, and biological siblings (usually) have both things in common. Therefore, barring some obvious problem, it makes sense when one is struggling and one seems extraordinarily bright to look into what is going on with the struggling one.

[Scuff]

My dd8 is inquisitive and thinks deeply, but very, very academically average. dd6 and ds are racehorses. DD8 figured out a long time ago that things come easy for her sister. It's just something she's had to deal with. It frustrates her sometimes. And I've had to encourage her that we're all different with different strengths and weaknesses. But whether or not I slow down dd6, dd8 would have figured it out. It's glaringly obvious and not something you can hide.

 

I do slow down dd6 a little. But only because she gets things so quickly, we can take more time for the fun stuff. So instead of pushing on, I'll take time off of phonics or math or reading to just let her read books, or do math puzzle books or stuff like that.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Scuff

[wapiti]

The reason I always mention this whenever it comes up is that there is a *huge* difference between the way you deal with a kid who is gifted with learning disabilities and a kid who is simply of more average intelligence. Two large factors determining intelligence are nature and nurture, and biological siblings (usually) have both things in common. Therefore, barring some obvious problem, it makes sense when one is struggling and one seems extraordinarily bright to look into what is going on with the struggling one.

 

:iagree: harking back to this thread... http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=244091

[heliconian]

I love and hate the idea of using different curriculums. My two guys are 7 and 10, and while the fourth grader is working one or two years ahead of grade level, the first grader is two to three years ahead. We work together on science and history, with the boys getting slightly different assignments and different sets of expectations as to what makes the work acceptable quality, but so far I have been using the books that my big guy is finished with for my little guy. This saves us lots and lots of money. But as my little one is catching up to my big one, my big one is getting more and more uncomfortable. Running two separate sets of curriculum could help him relax a bit.

 

But now that I write that, I wonder if maybe he could use a little competition. The younger one is very driven, but the older one would rather spend all day drawing aliens than working on math. Would it be horribly evil to let the "competition" nip at his heels a bit? As long as I keep it low key and don't directly compare them, do you think it could actually be a benefit? Maybe to both of them?

[Scuff]

nm

[LittleIzumi]

We very much focus on strengths, and try to make it sound "fun" that they use the same things for other subjects. I don't know how long part two of that will last, lol, but for now it works. Focusing on strengths is great though. My oldest lives for science and art. Her little sister may catch up & surpass her in reading/spelling/writing/music, but in science and art the older will (afaik) always kick the pants off anyone else in this family. So that helps. We get to talk about how the Sponge is great at certain things, and the Drama is great at these other things, and they can work together to help each other. We'll see how it holds up as they get older!

[AK_Mom4]

But now that I write that, I wonder if maybe he could use a little competition. The younger one is very driven, but the older one would rather spend all day drawing aliens than working on math. Would it be horribly evil to let the "competition" nip at his heels a bit? As long as I keep it low key and don't directly compare them, do you think it could actually be a benefit? Maybe to both of them?

 

There are going to be all sorts of opinions on this one, I suppose.

 

I vote that a little competition is a good thing, but having a younger sibling provide that competition in a homeschool environment is BAD - it sets up a competive dynamic in an area that should be safe - parental approval. It would be a very unusual kid indeed who could hear Mom/Dad rave about how well little sibling did on the test that Kid#1 just failed without having a "They love sibling better than me!" reaction.

 

I have found you can successfully inspire motivation by finding out what their personal currency is (computer time/friend time/dad time/whatever) and rewarding achievment that way. It's best not to introduce more sibling rivalry into the school work than you absolutely have to.

[elizabeth]

:iagree: What she said!

 

I also think it is important to notice and point out strengths in everyone so that a child doesn't feel she/he is better than people just because they excel at something.

 

I am very honest with my kids because they know anyway. Kids are way more intuitive than you might think and I think taking the honest route will save heartache in the future. Your oldest will know what her sister's talents are whether you point them out or not but if you are honest about them, she will not grow up thinking she didn't "live up to your expectations" and she will know that you appreciate her talents as well.

 

I don't mean you have to be "in her face" with it but I wouldn't try to slow the younger down or not answer questions when they arise and I would point out non-family member's areas of strength even those that might not be so obvious...ie. so and so is always happy or this person is really good at making others feel good about themselves or that one is good at singing, etc...

 

Last year, I used the same science and history curriculum for my then dd7 and ds12. It wasn't a problem for either of them. This year ds is in public school and though he and his sister are not using the same curriculum, they are doing the same math. The only reason I am not happy about that is that ds has had to go backward in math, one of his areas of strength, but he wanted to go to school and is doing what is available. The kids laugh about it all the time.

 

What lovely Donna and Ester said.

[jujsky]

This may be a repeat (I haven't read all the responses) but just because she's moving quickly now does not mean she's going to keep moving at that pace. My DD sounds a lot like yours. She has a September b-day, so she would be on the young side for her grade level, but even so she is advanced. At the beginning of this school year she was 5 going into 2nd grade & turned 6 a few weeks into it -- sounds like where your DD will be. While my DD breezed through 1st grade, 2nd grade has been more challenging. She is capable of doing the work, but some of the subjects are harder this year. There is a lot more writing involved in 2nd grade (at least w/the program we use) and I found that while she reads beautifully, her reading comprehension isn't on the same level as that of her older brother's (also doing 2nd grade). You may find that 2nd grade equals everything out and she finds her place -- challenging, but not overly so.

 

I also wanted to address the issue of having a younger child excel while an older child struggles. Again, I'm in the same boat, though my kids are closer in age (13 months apart). There are times when my oldest says, "Why is everything so easy for her!" This year I've seen more of that attitude from my oldest, but at the same time he has started to surpass her in some areas. I constantly have to tell DS that he and DD are different people with different strengths. It's a very fine line to balance. On one hand, you want to pump each child up, on the other, you want to try to do that without comparing them. It can be very, very tricky.

 

:grouphug: Good luck!

[Desert Rat]

I would emphasize to both children that we all have different talents and specialities. And I would say it often.

With that said, my youngest is dang near a phenom in archery. He has all the men at the range ogling and commenting. While it makes me really proud, my oldest has decided that archery "isn't his thing" even though he too, if very good, just not as good as Little Man. I know it's because his little brother is better. But, I don't push it right now. So, I keep emphasizing that everyone has different things they are good at and hope it will sink in. Until then, I tell the oldest that he has to be supportive and encouraging.

Perhaps a compromise would be have your 5yo go deeper instead of faster. Go in depth into studies and learn all there is to know about say, bugs, then move on. I would encourage this for most gifted kids.

[2squared]

I am having these same thoughts about our upcoming year. My 7yo grader is finishing RS B, and it is very easy for him. He listens in on my 9 yo's RS C lessons, and he usually answers the questions quicker than my 9yo. I would like to put him in Singapore, but it seems like a financial waste to buy a complete new curriculum for just him. So, I think I am going to let him cruise next year and catch up with my 9yo. I've been laying the groundwork with dd already so she won't be surprised when he catches up to her. I expect that he'll surpass her in math, and she is hoping that he'll help her with her work. :D

 

We talk about individual strengths and weaknesses a lot, so I think that helps.