ondreeuh Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 My dd finally got her own facebook acct. The deal was we would have her password. Because of a semi-family emergency I let her set it up without giving us the password at the time of setting it up. She now claims we never said we had to have the password. Dh is starting to cave. This has been understood for two years - the two years we told her she had to wait until a certain age to have a facebook acct. Dh wants to know what we can see with her password and what we can see without it. My blood is boiling - at her but mainly at dh for starting to flake out about this. And she used "frikking" in her rant about the issue. I know that's a bad word and she will be disciplined for it, but anyone know how bad? Oh, and any plans I had for her to drive herself to cc next year for dual enrollment have evaporated. I thought she was becoming more cooperative, but after tonight I have visions of two years of fights over where she went, where we said she could go, no,we never said that, etc. and dh flaking out right and left. I don't do constant fights. "Frikking" is really not a bad word ... Mormons say it. I would not even address it. At 16, most teens expect some privacy and ability to have private conversations. A password gives you access to her FB messages (like email). I think that is overstepping your bounds. My dd is 15, and I do not have her FB password. We are friends on FB, and that is enough for me. Most of her friends have friended me as well. I don't need to know every private conversation she has. If I thought I needed to get more involved, I would talk to her directly instead of going through her private conversations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 You've gotten a lot of good info, but I wanted to share my experience with my 16yo stepdaughter and facebook. Dh and I did not allow her to get a fb account, her mother did, at age 15. Since dsd, at the time, lived primarily at her mother's house, dh and I couldn't really disallow it. We did, however, tell her she had to friend me (I got a fb account for just this reason), or priveledges at *our* house would be affected. Well, dsd friended me. And then set her preferences so I couldn't see her wall. Well, it didn't take me long to figure that out, and she was told to change the setting so I could see her wall, which she did. Then, we found out (quite on accident, actually) from a family member that she only had me set to receive some of her info. So she was told to change that as well. I also discovered that she has a second facebook page she never told us about. Dh and I don't approve of any of this. Dsd is having a *very* hard time with her mother right now, mainly due to poor decisions on dsd's part. The same kind of poor decisions that make dh and I uncomfortable with dsd having a fb account. Dsd wants to come live with us; one condition will be that she will no longer be allowed on fb. The things she posts go very much against the standards dh and I have set for our children. So, all that to say, no, you do not have 'full access' to someone's fb account just because you are their friend. Also, your daughter can delete conversations before you read them, and hide posts from friends she doesn't want you to see. Now, these (to me) are not such a big deal, seeing as A) deleting conversations is very much like deleting email to an email account she wouldn't want you to see, so if she has email, it's pretty much the same thing, and B)I don't so much worry about what 'friends' post as what my child posts. If my dsd was trustworthy in general, and respected the rules and standards dh and I set for our children, I would be ok with just friending her. However, at this point, I'm not even willing to allow her fb (at our home) even if I had her password; she'd likely just set up another account we didn't know about, and use that. And I realize she may do that even if we disallow fb; but eventually, we'd find out (since teens always think they're sneakier than they are), and her computer would be taken away. Good luck navigating this with your dh. Oh, and fwiw, frikkin' is not a word we allow in our home; but neither is dang, or gosh, or heck, so ymmv. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 "Frikking" is really not a bad word ... Mormons say it. I would not even address it. Well, this Mormon doesn't say it, but I do say "freaking", so perhaps it's more colloquial where you live to use the other term. I just think it sounds nasty, so that's why I don't say it. Of course, this is coming from a girl who will only say "toot" because the "f" word associated with that bodily function is something I can. not. bring myself to say either. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Yes, here "frikking" is a derivative of "freaking." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 I talked to my 15 yr old about this issue. She brought up that if the child doesn't feel trusted and isn't allowed to make her own decisions about this stuff, it will give her an even GREATER desire to make her own decisions. If she does those behind your back, then she won't be comfortable coming to you if she has a problem with something she's done. Too many limits make a kid go underground, and then they are working without any parental guidance. I believe it's much better to keep things open so you can still mentor her through these years as she experiments with more independence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary in VA Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 My 16 yo dd has had a FB account for a year and a half. I don't have a FB page and I don't want one, but I do have her password. She knew it was a condition of having a FB account. She also knows I check her page periodically. She doesn't like it, but she doesn't complain. She is actually friends with a lot of adults that are also friends with me. By checking her FB occassionally I can keep a pulse on what is happening in our greater community. I can also see what is up with her 20 yo sister at college (I don't have her password) I asked her what she thought about your dd's reaction. She said if she has that kind of attitude maybe she shouldn't be on FB. She also has a cell phone and texts her friends a lot. I never check her texts, although she knows that if there were ever any reason to not trust her in that area we would. She understands why and doesn't mind. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Euphemistic adjectives are not allowed here. We have a "say what you mean" rule, with the understanding that some things are just better left unsaid! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Too many limits make a kid go underground, and then they are working without any parental guidance. I believe it's much better to keep things open so you can still mentor her through these years as she experiments with more independence. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 I talked to my 15 yr old about this issue. She brought up that if the child doesn't feel trusted and isn't allowed to make her own decisions about this stuff, it will give her an even GREATER desire to make her own decisions. If she does those behind your back, then she won't be comfortable coming to you if she has a problem with something she's done. Too many limits make a kid go underground, and then they are working without any parental guidance. I believe it's much better to keep things open so you can still mentor her through these years as she experiments with more independence. This. :iagree: Too many limits can backfire. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 My concern is that she can hide things from us (whether messages are appropriate or not, who her friends are, etc.) if we don't have her password. I don't have facebook, so I don't know how this works. She is trying to tell us that we can see everything whether or not we have her password. For someone who is pulling the you don't trust me rant, she sure is making me trust her less than I ever have. You can see it all. Not private messages though. My ds18 has his own password that I don't know (never thought to ask for it). I set up ds11 account, so I have his code. He tells me everything and asked me to read it with him (message from female friend :001_huh:) so we are pretty open with eachother. :grouphug: She should not be so panicked about giving you the password. But maybe she feels it shouldn't be such a big deal to have since you should trust her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 If you are really concerned about her making posts and deleting them, having a second account etc. you could get a keystroke logger and put it on her machine. I'm not saying that I would do that but it is possible to do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 I know I sound harsh, but she has wanted a facebook account for years. We have said she could have one at a certain age and that we would have complete access to it. None of this is news either, although she is acting like it is (which is making me not trust her). Now, she throws a fit and my dh is considering caving. It is not unusual for him to act this way. It is sometimes hard to co-parent under these conditions. When this happens, I have to walk away and let him deal with the resulting mess - otherwise he changed the rules and I have to deal with the mess and he pretends a mess isn't there. No, this isn't my idea of parenting together, but I had to adjust. If she knew ahead of time the terms, then there should be no issue. You have access to her FB account or she doesn't have one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 I talked to my 15 yr old about this issue. She brought up that if the child doesn't feel trusted and isn't allowed to make her own decisions about this stuff, it will give her an even GREATER desire to make her own decisions. If she does those behind your back, then she won't be comfortable coming to you if she has a problem with something she's done. Too many limits make a kid go underground, and then they are working without any parental guidance. I believe it's much better to keep things open so you can still mentor her through these years as she experiments with more independence. That's my feeling on the issue, from what i remember of being a teen :) If a parent feels comfortable allowing their teen to go out with friends unsupervised and that sort of thing, a similar level of autonomy should be provided for internet access. Because really, there's much more potential for real danger in real life. Someone else talked about an essay requirement for facebook access. I think that's a good idea. I'd insist on a spot-check of their page if I felt there might be a serious problem, but that doesn't require access to their password. I'll insist that any page linkable to their real name be friends only, and google their name so we can see what potential future employers and so forth are seeing. (As a former computer security geek, it also goes against my grain to insist that anyone give me access to their password for any reason.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonshine Posted April 28, 2011 Author Share Posted April 28, 2011 Well, it goes on. Now she has told dh that there is way for us to see her messages without having her password - not that she has said how. He wants to check out her story with her big brothers. Dh is being manipulated by dd. She has a way to do this to him and it plays into his faults to bring out the worst in him - making a choice to please her in spite of his basic parenting values, and yes, it can be them against me. Of course, he is responsible for his choices and attitudes. I thought I was doing good by shutting up for 24 hours - but his attitude towards me and her is the same. She manipulates him and my opinion as a mother means nothing. He knows he has no good answers for this so he gets very rude to me instead. I have a daughter to protect and this will get worse if he continues down this road. I am trying to protect her from guys and men who may prey on her. There is one known for doing that who lives 1 mile from our house and goes to church with us (a teenage boy). She is not invulnerable to his charms, as my dh has even pointed out. I don't see her getting a driver's license and unmonitored facebook at the same time as a good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Well, it goes on. Now she has told dh that there is way for us to see her messages without having her password - not that she has said how. He wants to check out her story with her big brothers. Dh is being manipulated by dd. She has a way to do this to him and it plays into his faults to bring out the worst in him - making a choice to please her in spite of his basic parenting values, and yes, it can be them against me. Of course, he is responsible for his choices and attitudes. I thought I was doing good by shutting up for 24 hours - but his attitude towards me and her is the same. She manipulates him and my opinion as a mother means nothing. He knows he has no good answers for this so he gets very rude to me instead. I have a daughter to protect and this will get worse if he continues down this road. I am trying to protect her from guys and men who may prey on her. There is one known for doing that who lives 1 mile from our house and goes to church with us (a teenage boy). She is not invulnerable to his charms, as my dh has even pointed out. I don't see her getting a driver's license and unmonitored facebook at the same time as a good thing. At this point, I would be asking her if it is no big deal then what's the big deal. In other words, if you can see everything without her password then why does she care if you have her password? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 At this point, I would be asking her if it is no big deal then what's the big deal. In other words, if you can see everything without her password then why does she care if you have her password? I know that is logical, but perhaps the 16yo young woman is wanting to make a point of wanting some autonomy from her parents and its more of a power struggle than a rational one. I know that happens here frequently- they just want what they want, because they want it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pax Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 I completely understand the parents who are posting that a 16 year old should have some privacy and autonomy. 15 years ago, I would have said this was the type of parent I would be. Now I realize how much my oldest needs me to continue checking in on him, guiding him, etc. Not because he is inherently untrustworthy, as he isn't, but because he feels safer knowing I am checking in on him. I guess every child is different and some children might choose to go underground if a parent just said "Give me your passwords, text messages, etc". That isn't how I handle things at all. We talk about everything. He feels safer knowing that I am checking in on him. Heck, by his age I was living on my own and had been for years but that type of responsibility is something my boy isn't ready for. I want him to be able to make mistakes and to know that we are here for him to help him through righting those mistakes. I also feel that most kids who pull the "you don't trust me, you need to prove you trust me" card are manipulating their parents. If they have arrived at that place with their parents over a period of time, that is different. But if there is an agreement in place where it is known a parent is allowed access, then for them to suddenly start using that would concern me. Online dangers are extremely real and scary in the fact that our children are being exposed to people and situations that they most likely would not be running into in real life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 She's balking about the original terms of the deal. She complies, or no facebook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 So basically, unless I have her password, I can't see everything on her account, which is what I thought. Yes, for me this is a hill to die on. Dh may differ (to please dd), although this would be out of character for him in regards to his typical level of protection and directly contradict what our agreement is. Maybe I need to be thankful that this incident has revealed that she is not as mature as I thought she was. You can see everything on her account except her private messages if you are on your own fb as a friend to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 She's balking about the original terms of the deal. She complies, or no facebook. :iagree: and actively trying to divide her parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 She's balking about the original terms of the deal. She complies, or no facebook. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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