How to tell people we are HSing???

[kristinannie]

OK, so we are really doing this. I have purchased most of the curricula and we are starting in late June or early July. I had planned to start in July, but now we are having a week long family reunion and I would like to get a few weeks of solid school in before we take our first break.

 

Anyway, only one of my friends and my immediate family knows that we are HSing. None of them are enthusiastic about it, but they aren't openly hostile either. DH has not told his parents anything. None of my other friends know.

 

My kids go to a private Christian preschool now. My daughter will still be there next year (but I am doing pre-K at home). Most of DS's friends go there.

 

I would love to hear any advice that you have. I feel like DH's parents should know. I don't plan to tell any of my friends until they figure it out. I don't know if that is the best way to handle things. I'd love to hear your responses. I am much more scared about this than the actual HSing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

UPDATE!!!! My MIL was over tonight to get her taxes finished and she asked which school we were sending DS to. DH said we were thinking about HSing and she was actually fairly supportive. She even knows someone who runs a co-op! As long as family is supportive, I really don't care about anything else!!!! Thanks for giving us the courage to tell her, ladies!

Edited April 15, 2011 by kristinannie
UPDATE!!!

[Heidi]

Be very enthusiastic about it when you tell them (instead of apologetic), so that they would hesitate to crush your enthusiasm with a lame remark. Paste a smile on your face and wear imaginary ear plugs. However, most people don't talk about what a horrible idea they think homeschooling is in front of you. Usually it's behind your back ;) Eventually they'll get used to the idea and you'll gradually stop caring what people think about it.

[ondreeuh]

I would present it as something you're very excited about, because there are SO many great educational things you have planned for your daughter and you are thrilled she will have an awesome start. If they get disparaging, you can say that you will be open to other options if homeschooling does not end up working out, but that you are confident you have all your ducks in a row. I think people just generally want some assurance that you have a curriculum to follow and won't miss any skills, and the kids won't be isolated. So if you can just state up front that you've chosen excellent materials and have some social activities lined up (library story time, gymnastics, whatever), that may reassure them that you know what you're doing. Really, though, you don't need their approval, and if you just state it as, "This is what we are doing! Hooray!" and not "We're considering homeschooling" you will probably be fine.

 

I wouldn't give them too many specifics because that gives them an opportunity to argue about it.

[kchara]

I wouldn't bring it up. For us, that would make WAY too big a deal about it. (My family already has the dramatics down pat, I don't need to give them excuses.) What we did was just wait until they started mentioning school, or where are we sending them (we had some church schools in the area) and stuff like that, and we (very enthusiastically, like the PPs said) told them our plans for homeschooling. Making a big deal of it (sitting them down, explaining in detail) would've made the whole situation 10 times worse, in my case. We decided to go very casual.

[Critterfixer]

I'd say family need to know. Anybody else? Use your best judgment.

Expect a little dismay from family who don't know any home-school families.

Even my mother, who home-schooled me and my three siblings wasn't sure I would be up to it! Recognize that when family are nervous and upset about homeschooling, MOST of the time (not always) it is because they are just concerned about the kids getting a good education. (This is where I usually regurgitate a few stats about the sad state of public education.) I then go on to explain a very basic plan of education, emphasizing how I will be teaching reading, writing and arithmetic without getting in depth into homeschooling philosophy unless they want to know. (My mother wanted to know philosophy, reasons, and curriculum--then she went to a homeschooling curriculum fair and got a bunch of it half-price! Go Nana!:D) Even my MIL who was much more afraid that her grandsons were not going to sprout tentacles or bark at other kids for lack of socialization is now heard to comment on how well they get along with others, playing better together than their cousins who go to PS...

Listen to their concerns. If the concerns are valid-address them. If they are based on faulty assumptions then smile blandly and ignore them.

[mamakimberly]

"Oh, I thought you knew! We're homeschooling! Super excited about it! Gotta run! Talk to you later!"

 

Their thoughts really, really, really don't matter.

 

Really.

[Guest mrsajoy]

I wouldn't do a sit down with any body, but in our casually interactions I say something along the lines of "Dh and I decided to homeschool the kids next year!!!! The kids and I can't wait to start!!'. Sure, some of the people will be like 'Why?', but for the most part I'm sure they'll just let you be excited and maybe put on a fake smile for you.

 

Dh's family wasn't too thrilled with our decision. We told them, and then when the school year came closer, MIL asked me if I had registered ds up for Kindergarten yet. I reminded her that we were homeschooling, and her response was 'Oh, I thought that was just a phase.' Besides that incident, no one has said anything negative about it. So, if they disapprove, I live in blissful ignorance:)

 

Best of luck to ya!!

[emmn]

You can't pick your family,but you can your friends!! If they don't support your decision.....time to get better friends. Good test to see who the good ones are! As for family... well......every year your skin will get thicker!! Maybe they will surprise you and be very supportive!!

[Dawn E]

I agree with making it casual and being enthusiastic. Homeschool opponents are like horses...they can smell fear. :) You have made a wonderful academic decision for your kiddos. Yes, it is scary, but you don't have to let them see you sweat. As others have said just let the info spill out in casual conversation. Be confident in your choice and remember that no one besides you and your dh have a say in your kids' education. I don't think my mom was completely crazy about the idea, but she has still been supportive. My in-laws were already broken in by my Dh's sister who started homeschooling when our firstborn was just a babe. They were completely on board by the time we started. Many people may be concerned, but most will give you the benefit of the doubt.

[Irishmommy]

"Oh, I thought you knew! We're homeschooling! Super excited about it! Gotta run! Talk to you later!"

 

Their thoughts really, really, really don't matter.

 

Really.

 

 

This is totally the way I'd go, if I had to do it over. I spent so much energy trying to convince people I was doing the right thing...WAY too much energy. It really, really doesn't matter...really it doesn't. You didn't need anyone to come and teach your baby how to talk/walk/eat properly (except my poor little tongue tied babies:lol:), so why do you all of a sudden need an "expert" to teach them now? (BTW, I am a former ps teacher.)

[Irishmommy]

Oh, and any of the family that was "against" the decision, now thinks it is the BEST thing...except for my MIL, who thinks anything out of the "norm" is just wrong...

[texasmama]

If you present the decision with confidence and enthusiasm, that will win over most folks. The rest can bug off. :D I had to draw a couple of hard lines in the sand at dh's family gatherings at the beginning of our homeschooling journey, but now people know that it is not up for debate nor do I feel the need to defend my decision.

[skueppers]

I think it's good to be prepared with answers for the most common follow-up questions and remarks, which in my limited experience are:

 

"How long do you plan to homeschool?"

"Do your kids spend time with other kids?"

"I could never do that."

"How does it work? Do you get books from the school district?"

"Do you use a planned curriculum?"

"How do you know what to teach them?"

"How do you get time to yourself?"

 

I always feel better when I have some idea what I'm going to say.

[NanceXToo]

I let my husband deal with telling his family.

 

As for mine, I emailed them lol. I basically said, this may come as a surprise to you but I wanted to let you know that for many reasons, we have decided to start homeschooling the kids. We have read up a lot about it, we have read many good things about it, and there are a lot of reasons why we think it will be a good idea for our family.

 

I then listed a few reasons.

 

I ended with something like I know that not everybody would choose this lifestyle, but we have decided on it for us and hope that we will have your support even if it isn't something you personally agree with.

 

In this way, nobody could give me a kneejerk reaction. They'd have to think about what they were going to "say" before they typed it, and basically, all of the responses were either positive or at least pleasantly neutral.

[boscopup]

For me, the hardest part was telling my son's teacher, as I was pulling him out halfway through the year, and I liked his teacher. She was very sweet and had tried hard to challenge him a bit, but there's only so much you can do when you have 17 students of varying levels in your class. Plus she didn't have curriculum for higher level stuff (like he needed to be in the next grade's math level, but she didn't have materials to have him do that).

 

Most people found out through the grape vine. I think my parents found out through my sister. :lol: My MIL was one of the last to find out, and she turned out to be a huge supporter. She said she was surprised that we had sent him to school in the first place, and she was glad I had finally decided to homeschool! I was shocked! :001_huh: I think she found out during Christmas break when she asked when my son went back to school, and I said "He's not." :D

 

I told my closest friends when I was still in the process of thinking about it, and they were supportive (one was also thinking about it, and we ended up starting within a couple months of each other, so we're going through this journey together :) ).

 

The only not-so-positive reactions I got were from a couple folks at school (parents of the other students) who were kind of like "Oh I could never do that! What do you do for high school biology when you have to dissect things? No frog dissection in my house!" I just brushed those comments off though and didn't try to talk these people into it or defend my choices that much. I just basically said we're excited, and that I'd cross the high school biology bridge when I get to it. My son is only in first grade. There are numerous options now, and there would probably be even more by time he's in high school.

 

I don't think I ever ran into anyone that said I shouldn't homeschool. Especially when I'd talk about what we planned to study (like ancient world history... in first grade, that usually sounds impressive compared to what they learn in school in first grade). Throwing in the term "classical education" also makes it sound better, even if they don't really know what a classical education is.

[EKS]

We wrote a letter outlining our reasons for homeschooling to both sets of grandparents. Then, to tell everyone else we wrote one of those Christmas letters and mentioned it in there. Obviously, we told people in person too, and I remember telling my mother over the phone before the letter, but in order to catch everyone (and to explain it to the grandparents without the opportunity for argument) we decided to do the letters.

[ByGrace3]

Totally agree with casual and enthusiastic... and then ignore any negative comments. We had lots of negatives (but also lots of support from others) but a year later, most of the naysayers are believers :tongue_smilie:

[robsiew]

Welcome to the world of homeschooling! It really is a wonderful adventure! At times challenging (for both teacher and students!), but really a great experience overall!

 

You've gotten a lot of good advice. The only thing I'd add is don't feel like you have to convince them of the value of homeschooling. That's not your job. Your job is to do for your children what you feel is best. You've made that decision, now stand proud in it! Don't apologize and don't try to convince. Just state this is what you are doing. People will give you their opinions (even my pastor's wife takes "friendly" jabs at me!), but you need to really just let it roll.... I don't expect anyone else to agree with our decision... and if they do... well, I've made a new friend! :lol:

 

By the way, none of our family (both sides) was overly excited about our choice to bring our kids home in K and 1st grade. In fact, my mom was really opposed and still isn't totally on board. However, over time they have relaxed a bit and some even applaud our decision now. My mom (the most opposed... behind my back, not in front!) even sent me a link to some children's books last week... this is the first "reaching out" she's done in 3 years of us homeschooling!

 

Enjoy your journey! It's a gift to your children that you won't regret!

[virtual_twins_mom]

Really, though, you don't need their approval, and if you just state it as, "This is what we are doing! Hooray!" and not "We're considering homeschooling" you will probably be fine.

 

I wouldn't give them too many specifics because that gives them an opportunity to argue about it.

 

:iagree:

I totally agree!!!! We did it both ways - TMI and general info only. TMI NEVER produced a good conversation. After you've experienced successes with your kids, you won't feel a need for their approval. As for who and when to tell, when discussion of next school year happens, that's the time to "reveal" your plans with whoever happens to be in that conversation. When we made a special "announcement" at a family gathering, it seemed to invite people to give us their opinion about it. Since we had already chosen to h.s., hearing the negative objections to it only served to undermine our confidence. However, when we were just in casual conversation with friends, and school plans were being discussed among all in the group, it seemed to be a "safer" environment just because everyone else also had "plans" which could have been judged (my perception).

[RootAnn]

I wouldn't bring it up.

:iagree:

 

This wasn't too hard for us since family lives between 75 & 500 miles away, depending on which side it is. When people brought up school, I or my oldest would answer the question honestly (but not always "fully"). When people finally caught on, we were very matter-of-fact about it.

 

IMO, it is like naming one's own child. People feel free to criticize before the child is born (before you start homeschooling) but cut back a bit once the child is already out & named (you've been homeschooling for awhile).

 

I've found some people are rude enough to criticize/comment no matter what, but I don't force myself to deal with those people too terribly often. They're not my friends. :-)

 

As a side note, my dh's family is not supportive of homeschooling. Mine, in general, is. My father-in-law still believes homeschooling is bad, but he has admitted that "we" are doing a good job. *heh*

[MeganW]

I will warn you to be prepared for other parents (your kids' friends' parents) to see this as a slap in the face. That was the big shock for me. The reaction of other parents. They didn't outright say it, but it was like "this school is good enough for my kids, but you don't think it's good enough for yours - you think you are better than us?". Almost as if you are judging them negatively b/c you are making a different decision than they did.

 

I don't think I have IN ANY WAY given off this air, as the main reason we are homeschooling is that my kiddos have some medical issues that would make regular school attendance a problem. And even though I explain up front that that is the reason we are doing it, people jump in and start explaining how great the local school is and how it is challenging their particular child. In a defensive way. (Two of my kids are the ones with some issues, and I am keeping all 3 triplets home just because, why complicate things? But they all think I should send the third and only keep the two at home.)

 

I have made it very clear to everyone that we are making a ONE YEAR commitment, and will re-evaluate at the end of the year to decide what to do for the following year based on 1) how it goes, and 2) how close we are to being done with therapies. I think everyone thinks I will crash and burn b/c they think it is WAAAY harder than I am expecting, but are somewhat relieved that at least I will putting them in "real school" before they get too far behind. Then next year, I have left myself open to put them back in school if necessary, but also I have left myself open to say "look, it worked out and was fun and the kids learned, and now with some experience under our wings we are committing for another year!".

 

My experience is probably impacted by the fact that most of my friends are/were schoolteachers, and they don't think anyone but a trained schoolteacher should be in charge of education. Just wanted to give you a heads up to be prepared for that.

 

You also want to be sure your kids know and are on board BEFORE you start telling people. One of mine found out when a nice lady at church asked her if she would be starting kindergarten at the local elementary school next year, and she turned to me for the answer. That wasn't ideal.

Edited April 14, 2011 by MeganW

[MinivanMom]

I agree with previous posters that have said you shouldn't make a big deal out of it. We wouldn't dramatically announce that we were buying a new car or that potty-training had commenced, so it never occurred to us to dramatically announce that we would be homeschooling. It was kind of like naming our children. If we had announced the kids' names when I was pregnant, then everyone would have felt invited to give feedback and criticism. Instead we called to say, "We had the baby this morning and her name is ____! We're so excited!" All MIL could do at that point is grumble behind our back.

 

When we were asked questions about how kindergarten was going, we answered them honestly and with enthusiasm. We acted as if homeschooling was the most natural thing in the world and then changed the subject. Eventually everyone figured out what we were doing. Since we were already homeschooling, there wasn't much they could say at that point (at least not to our faces :001_smile:). You don't have to justify your choices to people who aren't a part of the decision-making process. Be positive. Be enthusiastic. Then change the subject.

[lmnew2004]

I'm assuming that if you send your children to a Christian school, that you are Christians? I know that's just an assumption, but I'll write my response with the view of my Christian journey.

 

We are Christians and we pray and get confirmation from God for all major decisions (such as homeschooling).

 

Before we started homeschooling, my husband and I both sought the will of God for our family, and we were both positive that we heard from God to hs our girls. After this confirmation from God, I was confident in our decision and only tried to "waver" once. This one time is when my husband reminded me of who we LISTEN to and PLEASE - God not _______ (fill in the blank).

 

For us, some family, friends, and most strangers were opposed to it and voiced their opinions ( some very subtle to others very rude). I'm so glad that I didn't let them sway me because the ones who questioned hsing are the very ones who support it today! Sometimes, people are just "ignorant" to the benefits of hsing. They have gotten their information from TV or their very limited exposure. Once they allowed me to educate them, their concerns were alleviated. I only spoke with the ones who were genuinely concerned and open minded, not ones that just wanted to convince me that we should change our minds. Ask God to help you discern when you should have the conversation or just walk away. I would usually say, "Well, I'm only doing what I believe God wills for my family. If you think that I'm making a bad decision, pray and fast for us until God tells me to do something differently." If that person wants to discuss it again, just ask, "How often are you praying for us because God still hasn't told me to do anything different?" Of course, this only works if that person is a believer.

 

This is how we used to handle it, but since then, most people support us and are praying for others to incorporate some of our "ways". Lol!

 

Stand firm (and polite) in what the Lord has told you. You really don't have to explain or apologize for obeying God!

Edited April 14, 2011 by lmnew2004

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

I wouldn't bring it up. For us, that would make WAY too big a deal about it. (My family already has the dramatics down pat, I don't need to give them excuses.) What we did was just wait until they started mentioning school, or where are we sending them (we had some church schools in the area) and stuff like that, and we (very enthusiastically, like the PPs said) told them our plans for homeschooling. Making a big deal of it (sitting them down, explaining in detail) would've made the whole situation 10 times worse, in my case. We decided to go very casual.

 

I am of the same mind. I don't know if we personally would have had much dramatics but I don't get the "family needs to know" concept. If it was a new baby, I'd get it, but where the children are going to school - unless we were intending to ship the children off to a boarding school in Africa - I don't grasp why it's a "family needs to know" kind of issue.

[friendlyjas]

I say it in the exact same way I'd say it if we were doing any other type of schooling. I typically don't bring it up, but it is popular around here to know which public elementary school the kids are in, so I get asked often. I get lots of questions, but I've never had any really negative reactions.

[kristinannie]

Thanks so much for your replies! This is such a sensitive issue for me. I told my family casually (actually I just told my mom and it spread like wildfire) while we were considering it. We went to the HSing convention in Greenville which is where my parents live. Afterward, my mom was making a comment about "if" we HS and I told her that we definitely were. She looked all disappointed and said, "Oh." She has never been hostile about it, but I know that she is not thrilled about it either. I have NO idea how DH's family is going to react. Maybe I will just mention it to his mom in passing when the subject comes up.

 

As for friends, I have told a good friend of mine because her husband was trying to get her to HS. We have talked about it a little. One of my good friends is openly hostile to HSing. She has a BIL whose family homeschools and has plenty to say about how they are elitest, they think their kids are smarter than everyone elses' kids, the kids act in plays and don't get enough school time in (although I really don't think that people realize how much you can get done in a short amount of time when you are teaching a child one on one). I know people are going to say something once school starts. I guess I will just be really upbeat, say what we are doing and move on. Thanks for the advice!!!! I know in my heart that this is what God wants for our family and I will try and let all the negative comments roll off my back. I think a lot of you are right when you say that attitudes will change once they see that my kids are smart and socially normal! I was thinking of chaining them to a desk all day though...I guess I'll have to change that! :lol::lol::lol:

[Stellalarella]

We had dc in PS for 6 years before I began hsing everyone. During that time when I would hear of friends/family hsing they would share their reasons and often I was left with the impression that they were hsing out of fear of ps, society in general, etc. I also would hear them complain about hsing a lot, even about how unfair it was that they had to pay property taxes and still have to pay for their own curriculum. Then there was the complaining about "how far behind we are," and "it's hard to hs with a bunch of little kids and be pregnant." Lets not forget the complaining and angry facebook posts about ps waste and taxes.

It sure would be a blessing to hear hsing parents talk about what they love about hsing. It's hard to argue with a mom who loves what she is doing for her kids. :001_smile:

Part of what I love about this forum is hearing from hsing parents who love teaching their children. :001_smile:

[kristinannie]

We had dc in PS for 6 years before I began hsing everyone. During that time when I would hear of friends/family hsing they would share their reasons and often I was left with the impression that they were hsing out of fear of ps, society in general, etc. I also would hear them complain about hsing a lot, even about how unfair it was that they had to pay property taxes and still have to pay for their own curriculum. Then there was the complaining about "how far behind we are," and "it's hard to hs with a bunch of little kids and be pregnant." Lets not forget the complaining and angry facebook posts about ps waste and taxes.

It sure would be a blessing to hear hsing parents talk about what they love about hsing. It's hard to argue with a mom who loves what she is doing for her kids. :001_smile:

Part of what I love about this forum is hearing from hsing parents who love teaching their children. :001_smile:

 

 

That is so well stated! I think people get a lot of negative perceptions of HSing from TV (and what they see of HSing families on TV) and by hearing people complain about it. I know I will probably complain about HSing sometimes since it is a sacrifice to do it for sure, but I hope that I can keep this enthusiasm I feel right now. It is so wonderful to know that I won't be missing all of those lightbulb moments as they happen. Yesterday we spent almost 2 hours learning about earthworms (since I found a couple in the yard). I can't even tell you how engaged the kids were. In the process, we learned about root systems (since earthworms aerate the soil). It was such a great morning and completely unforgettable. My kids were even telling my mom all about it on the phone. "Grandma, earthworms have 5 hearts and two tummies. Can you believe that? Oh, and they are slimy and don't have eyes!!!" I wouldn't have traded that for the world!

[joie]

The way I look at it, if they ask then tell them casually that you're hsing. Same manner as you would if the kids will be going to a private/public school. Make it not a big deal, just another normal, regular option. I think we really should start thinking this way. This is how schooling started anyway, why is it such an eyebrow raiser now? When I decided to hs my then 5 yo, the only person I discussed it with was my dh. As far as I was concerned it wasn't anyone else's decision. It wasn't until my parents/in-laws asked me where my ds was going to school did I mention hsing him. I would have done the same if it was a choice between public or private.

 

You may end up having those "eyebrow-raising," "eye bugging out" looks from people, when you do just reciprocate with the same look.:D

 

Joie

[Mommy22alyns]

We didn't announce it. Little by little family figured it out when asking about when/where our kids would attend school. We were very matter of fact about it.

 

 

That's pretty much what we did. DH got to tell his mom. Nobody in our family said a peep about it either - awesome!

[April in NC]

Just wanted to say that this thread has been really thought provoking for me. I really admire all of you for being brave enough to take a different path from the norm.

 

I will admit, since I was homeschooled all the way through, for me homeschooling is the norm. Except for my husband and my college roommate, all of my close friends were homeschooled, too. So I'm embarrassed to say that I sometimes forget how much of a serious change this is for most people who want to choose this path. I often wonder if I'd have had the will/nerve to choose homeschooling if I hadn't been homeschooled. I guess we'll never know!

 

Ironically, my sister (who was also homeschooled) and her husband (who was not) decided to enroll their son in the local elementary school. My sister was a nervous wreck that first year, trying to figure out how to do elementary school when she'd never so much as set foot in one in her life. So I do think any time you choose to do something outside your norm it is tough.

 

With your friends and family, I might consider giving them a little grace to react badly, since they haven't had the opportunity that you have to research and learn all about this strange undertaking. And for some people, stepping that far outside their established norm is just too hard - not something they would ever want to do. Plus, as others here have mentioned, they feel judged by your decision.

 

When I tell people I meet that we homeschool, I do go with the casual approach. I often make a point to be interested and excited about their kids' school plans as well, to avoid signaling that I disapprove of them. So often people, when they hear about your decisions, have an instant reaction to think it is about them - to take it personally.

 

Kuddos again to all of you who have taken this plunge, or who will be plunging in soon. Whether it is normal or not, it sure is an adventure!

 

<edited to add> Just to avoid giving the impression that the response to homeschooling is all bad, by far the biggest response we get when telling the grocery clerk (or whomever!) that we homeschool is, "Oh, really? You kids are so lucky!" I realize that grocery clerks are one thing, and friends and family are another, but still!

Edited April 14, 2011 by April in NC

[ravinlunachick]

I announced it to friends on facebook. It's official. As of today, I am a homeschooling mom! Never thought I'd be here, but I know we're doing the right thing for [dd]! I'd briefly talked to my parents and let them know we were considering it, so it wasn't such a surprise. I did have a few friends who reacted negatively, but to be honest, it was much easier having that discussion on facebook than it would have been in person.

[kristinannie]

I announced it to friends on facebook. It's official. As of today, I am a homeschooling mom! Never thought I'd be here, but I know we're doing the right thing for [dd]! I'd briefly talked to my parents and let them know we were considering it, so it wasn't such a surprise. I did have a few friends who reacted negatively, but to be honest, it was much easier having that discussion on facebook than it would have been in person.

 

 

 

That's a great idea!

[kristinannie]

UPDATE!!!! My MIL was over tonight to get her taxes finished and she asked which school we were sending DS to. DH said we were thinking about HSing and she was actually fairly supportive. She even knows someone who runs a co-op! As long as family is supportive, I really don't care about anything else!!!! Thanks for giving us the courage to tell her, ladies!

[SBMama]

UPDATE!!!! My MIL was over tonight to get her taxes finished and she asked which school we were sending DS to. DH said we were thinking about HSing and she was actually fairly supportive. She even knows someone who runs a co-op! As long as family is supportive, I really don't care about anything else!!!! Thanks for giving us the courage to tell her, ladies!

 

That's great! My MIL is very supportive also. I was shocked, because I thought she'd be the most opposed (as she usually is, lol). :001_smile: