Superficial question of the day: body image

[I.Dup.]

Ok this may be a strange question but hear me out. I have struggled with my body image for so long, and now that I am getting older and having more children things aren't getting any better. :tongue_smilie:I am still on the underweight side of the scale (when not pregnant- I waste away while nursing, LOL) but I am so self conscious about certain things that have been cropping up lately, namely cellulite that I never used to have. I am SO self conscious about this for some reason.

 

My dh insists that he loves me and finds me beautiful, blah blah but in this age where women wear basically no clothes and p0rn is everywhere, I am really struggling with this as my body goes downhill, lol. I don't talk about it often with dh or anything, but it is preventing me from having a good s*x life because I always wonder what he thinks of me when he sees me from behind or whatever...my mom and sister both have bad cellulite and apparently you don't need to be overweight to have it. :glare:

 

So for those who are wise with men's ways, LOL, do you think they really do still find us attractive even when we're lumpy and bumpy and all of that? :confused:

[nono]

Oh Lord YES! Men (well at least the men I've known my entire life) are very very very very kind about finding things to admire about a woman. I've heard guys talk about how beautiful a woman's hands are (not mine!). Heck look at how comfortable they are about themselves. They are not perfect, but most, when they look in the mirror, are quite satisfied with themselves. You don't think they give you the same leeway??

 

Unless your dh is doing some passive-aggressive things to make you feel undesirable, accept it at face value that he thinks you are A-OK!!! :grouphug:

[Veritaserum]

I recently had this conversation with dh. I'm a healthy weight, but I've been pregnant five times and have nursed five babies. Those things impacted the shape of my body. He was very reassuring. ;)

 

I recently watched Eat Pray Love and smiled during the pizza scene. Julia's character tells her friend to stop worrying about her muffin top because her man isn't going to walk away from the naked woman in the room. :tongue_smilie:

[MamaSheep]

I have four brothers, and growing up and through college most of my friends were male. Believe me, men find women of all shapes and sizes attractive. What they don't find attractive is women who obsess about their looks.

 

I was flustered about the extra poundage I gained on bedrest during my first pregnancy. But when I whined about it to dh he told me to get over myself because it's just more curves, and in his book curves are GOOD.

[Night Elf]

Yes, I do. With all the body types in the world, do you really think men are attracted to only 1 type and the rest of us are unattractive? :grouphug:

 

FWIW, I have issues about my body shape too. I'm an apple shape. My tummy is large enough, with the rest of my body not following suit, that I look pregnant. I hate shirts that hug my body and emphasize the shape. I wear large shirts that hide my belly, but unfortunately they can come across as looking like maternity shirts. I only wear men's tshirts because I cannot find a woman's shirt that looks good on me. I can hide my tummy well in the winter with large sweatshirts. Spring and summer are very unforgiving. So once again, I'm trying to lose weight to take off some of the 3rd trimester look. :crying:

[Xuzi]

I'm actually significantly *smaller* than when DH and I first met, and I still worried about this, but not so much now. It struck me one day while I was worrying about it, that I was actually selling my DH rather short. I reminded myself of how wonderful he is, and that it was unfair of me to think he'd be *that* shallow about my looks, when I know that it isn't within his character to be like that. I've seen pictures of some of his ex's, and none of them was runway material (and I don't say that in a cruel way. they were real women with real beauty, with no surgical or photoshopped advantages). He found beauty in all of them.

[claire+3]

You may think your question is superficial because it deals with the outside, but it points to something deep that nearly all women struggle with and it is very much an inside problem. I have a lot of issues with this too, and I find (especially right around bathing suit time) I can make myself quite miserable with my negative self-talk. My issue is my hips that are slightly too large. I find myself despising my hips whenever I look in the mirror and cringing if my husband touches me there. I have also sat on the beach and sweltered in a cover-up instead of going out and having a great time in the water with my kids. But you know what, my kids don't care a lick about my slightly too large hips. So I have found a trick that works for me. Whenever I find myself engaging in this misery, I try to picture the two women side-by-side--the miserable Mom in the cover-up on the beach sweating to death and the laughing, happy woman splashing in the ocean with her husband and kids. And then I ask myself, who do you want to be?

Then I take a deep breath and drop the towel.

As for the husband part, I find that a glass of wine and a darkened room make it all go away.

Be kind to yourself. :grouphug:

Claire

[Liz CA]

Nicole Johnson has a great chapter on "beauty" in her book "Fresh brewed Life."

She also recommends a book by "Why Beauty Matters," by Karen Lee-Thorpe and Cynthia Hicks or "The Good Life" by Ruth McGinnis.

Johnson puts the term "beauty" in context of real living but does not discount its value or importance.

It's a difficult area for many women. Very beautiful woman struggle a lot when they age and "it" fades with the years.

I think we are remembered more for our compassion and warmth and a myriad of other things than our beauty. At least this is what I tell myself...

[I.Dup.]

Thank you all! It helps me so much to see how this works in other marriages, sometimes I get lost in my own thoughts but it helps to know that YES, men find their wives attractive no matter the size or shape. Sometimes I guess I think men only want to see the photo shopped p0rn star type.

[Mrs Mungo]

Phenomenal Woman

 

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

 

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

 

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

 

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

 

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

 

Maya Angelou

[Jenny in Atl]

A man worth having isn't a man that will stop loving you as you age. Real love has little to do with your breast size, your backside, wrinkles, extra pockets of fat, or sagging skin. It's all about the whole package, and the light that shines from within. Loving yourself is the hardest part.

[pbt1294]

I'm VERY self concious about my looks and I feel BAD about it because I've always been tiny. I can't say anything about it, because of the reaction I get from other women. I know they want to slap me. But, hey, sometimes I can't help how I feel.

 

I try to be very careful though about what I say because my girls are all different sizes and to me they are ALL breathtakingly beautiful. When I start feeling very insecure I think about how I want my girls to feel about themselves when they are my age and have had children.

 

:grouphug:

[gaillardia]

I get what you're saying. How do you feel about yourself? It shows by the way we walk, talk, smile, everything.

I realized I needed to get over myself, OP. I also realized that if I'm trying to make myself look presentable, look the best I can (and I don't go overboard on anything), then it really doesn't matter "how" I look, as long as I can feel good about myself and get on with it! Then I stop thinking or worrying about how I look.:grouphug:

[MamaSheep]

Thank you all! It helps me so much to see how this works in other marriages, sometimes I get lost in my own thoughts but it helps to know that YES, men find their wives attractive no matter the size or shape. Sometimes I guess I think men only want to see the photo shopped p0rn star type.

 

That is probably true of some men, but I'm guessing you had the sense not to marry one of those.

 

Once when dh was channel flipping I heard him holler "Oh that's nasty! Come look at this!" (I thought, oh great, is this going to be like that weird thing boys do where they say 'taste this, it's disgusting'?) I went in, and there were models slinking up and down a runway. He said, "How do they think that's attractive? They look like skeletons with a little unhealthy skin stretched over them and way too much makeup. They probably think the makeup keeps them from looking like cadavers. Ok, I can't look at this anymore." Flip. Flip. Sci-fi something or other...

 

Sometimes men see things very differently than we do. Or than we think they do.

Edited April 9, 2011 by MamaSheep

[fairfarmhand]

What helped me most was to turn off the TV.

 

I even toss the Victoria's Secret catalogue, unless I specifically need it.

 

No fashion mags either.

 

The Book So long insecurity by Beth Moore has helped ALOT!

 

Behave beautifully and your dh will think you are beautiful!

Edited April 9, 2011 by fairfarmhand

[Peela]

Lifelong journey here, learning to accept my own body as it is, lumps and bumps and all. To me, whether my husband accepts it is secondary to whether I do- although he seems to :)

 

One thing I like to look at is older women that I find beautiful, who dress well and have a certain bearing. I look at them and take notice when I see them. Often they carry some weight- but something about them is just beautiful anyway.

 

I am learning to distinguish also between "beautiful" and "sexually attractive". Not that they are mutually exclusive, but I read something recently which made me realise that trying to hold onto that strongly sexually attractive look is what makes many of us unhappy, when we could just accept our own ageing beauty. We tend to lump them together- but older women wearing the scars of a lived life have their own beauty long past they are designed to attract a man to make babies :) Not that they can't enjoy their sexuality, but its different.

 

But you are probably still young and in baby making stage- I think its important to accept yourself, but realise virtually every woman struggles with this issue. I just like looking at older women who seem to have matured through it, and draw some confidence from them.

[Rosie_0801]

A man who still likes his wife thinks she's better looking than she actually is, and that is already better looking than how she thinks she looks.

 

Men know women don't have 18 year old bodies past age 18 and they know they don't either. Your hubby is less concerned about what your body looks like than whether he's are allowed to touch it!

 

:)

Rosie

[DarlaS]

Yes, I do. With all the body types in the world, do you really think men are attracted to only 1 type and the rest of us are unattractive? :grouphug:

 

 

There would not be nearly (or over?) 7 billion people on earth if that were true.

 

Oh, and I'm dreading the summer retirement of sweaters & hoodies also. I've definitely gained this winter. Possibly even this month. :glare:

[Retired]

I like the timing of your post. I just ask my DH what he thought about the dimples on my butt. He just looked at me and said yeah I noticed. I said well does it bother you. He said "you have one fine behind don't change anything about it" Now wasn't that sweet.

 

I thing the man loves you he's not looking for flaws. We women sale ourselves short.

 

They just want to see us naked:D

[Heatherwith4]

I try to remember that my body is functional as well as beautiful. I have fat stores that serve a purpose. I've given birth to three babies, and I am currently nursing. My body will not look like I'm 19, because I'm not. ;)

DH has been great about complimenting me. He knows it's hard work trying to bounce back after having babies. But he also genuinely finds me attractive with some extra meat/curves.

[nono]

OK, I'm going to tell you all a body image story about me, and no I'm not PUI (posting under the influence). My Mom, well, I swear she managed to birth me while still clothed. I'd see her occasionally in her underwear, but never, ever saw her naked.

 

Fast forward to two years ago, and she had a stroke then my Dad died. She eventually recovered completely, but while recovering, she needed help in the shower. I have to tell you, it was HARD to finally see my Mom naked. Esp. her derriere. Why? Because it looked exactly like mine!

 

I remember pushing my husband into the closet to exclaim to him, "I have the same arse as my 80 yr. old Mother! And, I don't know whether it's good or bad. I mean, did hers look like this back then, so she really has a 44 yr old bottom? Or did hers just get like that, and I have an 80 yr. old one :001_huh:??????" :lol: We laughed so hard over that one...

[eternalknot]

So for those who are wise with men's ways, LOL, do you think they really do still find us attractive even when we're lumpy and bumpy and all of that? :confused:

 

I can't speak for men, but I know that my husband gained about 40lbs and started sprouting hairs in all sorts of new places ... and it's not like I found it super hot and sexy, but it's not like I found it repulsive and disgusting either. It's just who he is, what he's becoming LOL. When we're intimate, I'm not even thinking about it. Before we're intimate, I'm not really thinking about it. After we're intimate, sometimes I think about it - mostly gratitude that he and I are comfortable enough in our imperfections.

 

I'm glad he isn't so fixated on his appearance that it kills the mood. My best friend dated a gym rat who (while being intimate) was always trying to get into positions that enhanced his physique. I have friends who admit to fixating too much on their positions during intimacy, and even though they know it kills the mood a bit they just can't not do it. It's sad.

 

Honestly, I still see him pretty much the way I met him - even though he's overweight and hairy. And 15 years older LOL. In my mind, he's usually pictured as the same young mostly perfect speciman I married. I would hope that could also be said of him, about me, and that's how I'd answer your question.

[eternalknot]

I remember pushing my husband into the closet to exclaim to him, "I have the same arse as my 80 yr. old Mother! And, I don't know whether it's good or bad. I mean, did hers look like this back then, so she really has a 44 yr old bottom? Or did hers just get like that, and I have an 80 yr. old one :001_huh:??????" :lol: We laughed so hard over that one...

 

:lol: Hilarious.

[texasmama]

So for those who are wise with men's ways, LOL, do you think they really do still find us attractive even when we're lumpy and bumpy and all of that? :confused:

 

It took me about ten years of marriage to accept and truly believe/embrace that dh loves me AND IS ATTRACTED TO ME when I am thinner, fatter, with short hair, long hair, brown hair, blond hair, pregnant, not pregnant, etc. FWIW, I have not felt comfortable enough with my 44 year old, four babies, slightly chubby self to wear shorts in about 8 years. I am not a prize without clothes on by most people's standards.:tongue_smilie: But I have finally let go of the voice in my head that tells me I am fat, dangling, full of cellulite, not a super model, etc. Guess what? I WAS NEVER A SUPERMODEL! Dh chose me anyway. And I chose him. He's not perfect, either. Now that I have let go of worrying that the lights need to be off or fixating on the fact that he might notice that I am not a body double for Jillian Michaels, I am having the time of my life...and so is he. Trust me on this.;)

[I.Dup.]

I remember pushing my husband into the closet to exclaim to him, "I have the same arse as my 80 yr. old Mother! And, I don't know whether it's good or bad. I mean, did hers look like this back then, so she really has a 44 yr old bottom? Or did hers just get like that, and I have an 80 yr. old one :001_huh:??????" :lol: We laughed so hard over that one...

 

Bahaha!!! That is so funny! :D

 

Thank you all for sharing. This has been very inspiring. I was always seen as sexually attractive and I guess in a way I took pride in that...that's really the only way I got acceptance for many, many years. Well now that I am getting older (I turned 29 yesterday) and living a rather boring (but wonderful), monogamous life and I see my body changing, it gets a bit depressing. I do think I am learning to accept what my body is, how amazing it's been to me to birth all of these babies and take care of me all these years, I am growing into a new appreciation of myself I think, but it's still difficult sometimes, esp. when I still want to be sexually attractive for dh. :001_unsure:

[sarahv]

It took me about ten years of marriage to accept and truly believe/embrace that dh loves me AND IS ATTRACTED TO ME when I am thinner, fatter, with short hair, long hair, brown hair, blond hair, pregnant, not pregnant, etc. FWIW, I have not felt comfortable enough with my 44 year old, four babies, slightly chubby self to wear shorts in about 8 years. I am not a prize without clothes on by most people's standards.:tongue_smilie: But I have finally let go of the voice in my head that tells me I am fat, dangling, full of cellulite, not a super model, etc. Guess what? I WAS NEVER A SUPERMODEL! Dh chose me anyway. And I chose him. He's not perfect, either. Now that I have let go of worrying that the lights need to be off or fixating on the fact that he might notice that I am not a body double for Jillian Michaels, I am having the time of my life...and so is he. Trust me on this.;)

 

Awesome. And I totally agree. :)