Post your dc's logic stage writing samples here

[ELaurie]

Please indicate the type of assignment and your dc's age and / or grade level in the subject line.

 

In your post, let us know whether your dc has corrected errors in spelling, syntax or grammar, or whether you have posted an unedited version of your dc's writing.

 

Happy reading (and writing) :)

 

If you'd like feedback from the hive about your writing sample, please cross post at the Writer's Workshop.

Edited February 14, 2011 by ELaurie

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

bookmarking for tomorrow :lurk5:

[Cleopatra]

Ah, I'll get in on this right away! (Fortunately I'm on the West Coast and still up while the rest of you are most likely in bed! :001_smile:)

 

 

The Arnolfini Portrait

 

The Arnolfini Wedding was painted in 1434 and it is the oldest panel painting to be executed in oils instead of in tempera.

 

This painting was thought to be a portrait of Giovanni Arnolfini and his wife, but research has found that his only indentified marriage was 13 years after completed the painting. With this information, it is assumed that the people in the portrait could be Giovanni and his unknown first wife or his cousin and his wife, or it could Jan van Eyck himself. Although it is not certain who these people are, we can be detectives and try to learn as much as possible about them by the way they are decorated and the fruits that are shown in the portrait.

 

The young lady is wearing a dress with intricate cloth and trimmed with fur. The man is wearing a tunic, which is also lined with fur. It can be supposed that it is early summer from the cherries outside the window and it was normal for wealthy people to buy oranges and place them in their houses. At the back of the room you will notice a mirror where the artist has pictured the back of the Arnolfinis. If you look closely, two more people are present. Some historians say that it is Jan van Eyck that is pictured here but others disagree. One thing that people do agree on, is that inscription above the mirror says quite plainly in Latin, “Jan van Eyck was here.â€

 

My opinion is that the man in the picture is Jan van Eyck himself. To see what I mean, find the picture of the Man with the Red Turban by Jan van Eyck, and compare the face with that of the face in this painting. The noses are similar and both their left eyes are slightly lower than their right eyes. Perhaps I am wrong and Jan van Eyck drew all the men in this manner, but these parallels stood out to me like a bull in a china shop!!

 

Maybe one day you will find out who these people actually are !!!!

 

This was an assignment I gave her after we studied Jan van Eyck. It was a research project, although we'd already studied the painting and she knew something about it. The sample is unedited by me (as far I can remember) but she typed this one, so I'm sure the computer was a big help! You should see some of her rough drafts when she does a Homer writing project! Actually, from looking at this again, it was a good attempt. My dd is getting very proficient at re-writing narratives but when she has to pull information together from different sources, it's often hit or miss.

 

I can't wait to see the rest of the samples ...... :001_smile:

[Capt_Uhura]

Here's the link to Writer's Workshop.

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/group.php?groupid=136

 

Capt Uhura

[Mallory]

I am confused,

do you want the sample here? Or on the writers workshop?

[Cleopatra]

I am confused,

do you want the sample here? Or on the writers workshop?

 

It sounds like you use the Writer's Workshop only if you want feedback .....??? That's what I understood.

[Leanna Tomlinson]

I have been teaching writing classes in our co-op for several years. I have many writing samples on my computer. (I would have to get permission to post assignments from other students, but that shouldn't be a problem.)

 

I have:

5th/6th grade paragraphs: narrative, descriptive

7th grade beginning essays, and midyear essays (LToW)

9th grade essays (mostly persuasive - TOG questions)

High school history test essay responses with time limits

11th grade essays

Newspaper articles

poems

 

I also have samples of my own kids from various grades, if anyone wants to see progression.

[Capt_Uhura]

Leanna - It would be great if you could post those at the Writer's Workshop! That way it would be easy to find them.

 

I don't know about double posting. I think it would end up being either/or. So either we try it here or we try it at the Writer's Workshop social forum. I think the social forum is more set up for this since it wouldn't move as fast as this board and would be only the topic if writing samples. I or someone else could post/bump a daily or weekly reminder for folks to check the social group. I think social groups tend to be forgotten.

[ELaurie]

I am confused,

do you want the sample here? Or on the writers workshop?

 

Opinions seemed to be somewhat divided about whether to post the writing samples in one long thread, or to create a separate social group / writer's workshop where we could post writing samples and ask for feedback about them. I thought we could try it both ways for awhile to see what works best.

 

So the idea was to post writing samples here so that we will have one simple thread with samples, and relatively few comments about them.

 

But if you would like to discuss the writing sample, or request feedback, you can also cross post them in the writer's workshop.

 

Does that make sense?

[Capt_Uhura]

OOHH Ok, that makes sense.:001_smile:

[lionfamily1999]

:lurk5: I'll be back, just wanted to mark the page :D

 

~Julie, who is so excited to have someone else's opinion on her children's writing.

[ELaurie]

I think social groups tend to be forgotten.

 

This was my concern as well - I don't even remember whether I have joined any social groups - if I have, I never check them :tongue_smilie:

[nukeswife]

My son is 11.5 and in 6th grade, we've been pretty hit or miss on writing over the years and are giving it more focus this year. He's currently using SWI A from IEW and just started the Story Sequence (Unit 3) This is the final draft of his first paper from that unit.

 

 

 

 

The Owl That Cried Crow

 

 

 

 

Once on a very cloudy day, in a lush birch tree there was a young owl named Patch who was bored. His father had told him to yell crow whenever he spotted a crow, but he never saw one. He was really tired of no exitement, so he screeched “crow!†and the parliament jetted to him. Patch was ecstatic, but the parliament was furious because there was no crow as far as their eyes could see.

 

 

 

 

The elder owl scolded Patch, then his father warned him . “Son,†his Da said, “ you should be very careful.†After four days Patch yearned for excitement and was lonely so he screamed crow. The parliament heard Patch's screams and rocketed to the birch tree. They discovered that there was no crow for miles around. They glared at Patch who was thrilled but the parliament was furious that they had been tricked again.

 

 

 

After Patch was scolded, the parliament went home. After 3 days Patch felt overwhelmed, and shouted crow again. The parliament found no crow anywhere in sight, they snapped at Patch to never trick them again. Patch kept watching the sky and suddenly he saw a crow coming at him. He shrieked crow! The parliament heard his cries but did not fly to Patch because they were convinced it was another trick. Patch kept screeching at the top of his lungs, “Crow!, cro...†When the parliament heard Patch's last muffled screech they raced to where the noise came from. They found Patch huddled in a bush with lots of missing feathers and a terribly injured wing. When Patch's injuries had finally healed he apologized to the parliament for his careless behavior. Patch had learned that by if you keep tricking others with your lies, help may not come when you need it most.

 

Edited February 14, 2011 by nukeswife

[PeterPan]

Nukes, your ds's writing me of a comment Pudewa had made at a convention talk about the differences between boys and girls with writing. With girls there are (just to be stereotypical) feelings, description. With boys, it's all about the VERBS, hehe. When I first started reading the boys' writing in the WT2 class, it really surprised me. He suggested that was why IEW starts with adverbs as the first step in modifying, to work with the natural tendency of boys. I thought it was funny and insightful. :) In any case, good job!

 

Cleopatra, I'd be interested to see one of her Homer retellings!

[Leanna Tomlinson]

Lesson focus: varied sentence openers (ala IEW)

 

The religion in Ecuador is a mix of Catholic and native religions. In the 1500’s, Catholicism came to Ecuador by the Spanish. The Spanish Catholics believed that priests can save souls. They believe that afterword you must be pure. The Catholics also believed that people must obey the pope. Fascinatingly, the natives mixed religions. While natives are close to volcanoes they believe that they are close to God, also people believe that you could make a model of yourself and be cured. The beliefs in Ecuador are still mixed today.

 

 

Jim Elliot came as a missionary to the Auca Indians in Ecuador. The Aucas killed at will and went naked, so he didn’t come too close. First, Jim Elliot came by plane to Ecuador, he dropped gifts from the plane to where the Aucas lived, and eventually built a treehouse in the jungle. At first sight, the Aucas were scared of the plane, although when it started dropping gifts, the Aucas kept the gifts until boldly one family went to eat with the white people. Unfortunately, the missionarys had hamburgers and the family thought it was poisen and in their fear the Aucas killed Jim Elliot and his friends. Years later though,j jim’s son came and converted many Aucas to Christianity.

[Leanna Tomlinson]

Focus: Sensory Details

 

I love Christmas Brunch. Every year we eat an appetizing feast after opening our presents on Christmas morning. The brunch is full of delicious dishes. The sparkling red punch with the frozen pineapple ring in the middle feels fizzy and cold as it slides down my throat. The steaming bacon and spinach tartlets are crisp and exquisite. The Cheese Danish with a creamy center and crisp golden crust tastes scrumptious. The fluffy chocolate mousse with raspberry sauce on top is waiting for us at our places in glittering crystal dishes. As everyone comes to the table, I hear the joyful music and the excited chatter of my family. I hope your Christmas morning will be as joyful as mine.

[Leanna Tomlinson]

This essay was written after 12 weeks of LToW. The question comes from TOG. In my class of 6 students, this was not one of the best essays, but an improvement for this student and about average for the boys in the class.

 

“A prisoner of war is man who tries to kill you and fails. And asks you not to kill him.” (Winston Churchill) At the close of WWII the Nazis were at the mercy of the Allies. Should the Allies have shown mercy to the Nazis with their merciless dictator dead? The demand of unconditional surrender from the allies was necessary for three reasons; unconditional surrender would bring about immediate peace, Germany was untrustworthy, and it was vital to prevent another war.

 

Unconditional surrender of Germany in WWII was necessary because it would bring about immediate, much needed, peace. The bombings and bloodshed needed to cease. WWII was a devastating war that lasted six years. Enforcing unconditional surrender saved many lives by stopping the constant, brutal, murder of Jews, and other civilians in occupied territories. If the Allies enforced unconditional surrender, the bombings of major cities such as London and Berlin would cease. War torn countries could begin to recover after six long years of war. Unconditional surrender would demonstrate the absolute defeat of the Germans. WWII erupted from a nation that believed they were not utterly defeated in WWI. Germany would not attempt war if they were forced to surrender to the allied terms.

 

Following WWII unconditional surrender appeared imperative becauseGermany was untrustworthy. Germany had proven to be irresponsible with military power. During WWII, Germany used its military power to try and slaughter all Jews. With great bitterness, Germany started WWII after building up military following WWI. With Hitler as dictator Germany attempted to conquer the world country by country. The Nazis invaded France, Poland, Belgium, and many other countries. The Germans dominated and destroyed the life in occupied territories. Germany would remain potentially a major threat if it possessed any type of military. German military was skilled in warfare using their blitzkrieg tactics to conquer any opposing countries. Following Hitler as their leader, Germany nearly conquered the world with their lightning war. The unprecedented success of Germany needed to be contained.

 

Another war would be disastrous for the world, if the Allies did not demand unconditional surrender. Leaving Germany with even the smallest military could cause another war. There would be nothing in Germany’s path to prevent another war caused by a desperate nation in ruins. With the atomic bomb newly discovered, another war would be disastrous. Many more lives would be lost due to the atomic bomb, new tanks, new planes, and other bombs. Modern warfare made the size of war dangerous encompassing the whole world not just connected countries.

 

With the devastation, murder, genocide, and destruction of WWII, the allies believed it necessary to demand unconditional surrender. Immediate peace was essential. Germany had proven they could not be trusted with any type of military whatsoever. Without the demand of unconditional surrender to the Germans, WWIII was in sight.

 

ETA: This site won't allow me to show proper formatting. I'm constantly trying to remind my students not to put the extra space between paragraphs.

[Capt_Uhura]

Leanna, Can you tell me how much editing/feedback was given by the instructor for the LToW essay on WWII?

[nukeswife]

Nukes, your ds's writing me of a comment Pudewa had made at a convention talk about the differences between boys and girls with writing. With girls there are (just to be stereotypical) feelings, description. With boys, it's all about the VERBS, hehe. When I first started reading the boys' writing in the WT2 class, it really surprised me. He suggested that was why IEW starts with adverbs as the first step in modifying, to work with the natural tendency of boys. I thought it was funny and insightful. :) In any case, good job!

 

 

 

Thanks OhElizabeth, I pass your kind words on to my son. I agree he's all about the verb and is totally into finding "strong verbs" as you can see I'm not a stickler about the banned words or getting all the dress ups in each chapter, because then my son freaks out about all of that and his wanting to write is a new thing. I do remember Andrew talking about girls being long-winded in their adjectives to describe the scene or the characters and you will end up with a 5 page "story" full of nothing but settings and characters with little to no action, and boys being the opposite with all the action and little else in the TWSS I watched.

[i.love.lucy]

This is her first year using IEW. This assignment is from week 17 of Medieval based writing. It's a retelling of "The Sword and the Stone". You can easily spot her 'dress-ups' but she's pretty proud of what she has accomplished in IEW this year.

 

The New King

 

It was a bright and crisp Christmas morning in Londontown

and you could smell the cinnamon rolls and coffee 100 miles away

it seemed. So many of the bothered, beleaguered and bustling

town’s people were headed to the church. Among all of those

people was Sir Ector, an old but trustworthy knight. There were

also his sons, Sir Kay, a young and handsome knight, and Arthur,

who was Sir Kay’s squire, just 18 years old. Arthur was

adventurous. He was intrepid. He was bold. In the churchyard

Merlin, the great and powerful wizard, had predicted that a

mighty king may be announced. The people dropped their cinnamon

rolls in shock!

 

The long ago death of King Uther had caused a great

commotion in the country of England because there was no heir to

the throne...or was there? Uther in fact had had a son and

given him to Merlin, who had secretly taken the baby to Sir

Ector to keep him from danger. Now everyone waited for a great

king to appear when BOOM a blast of intense light burst through

the church windows. To everyone’s surprise a sparkling white

marble stone appeared in the church courtyard. In the stone was

a glorious and dazzling sword and a note that told the people

that whoever dislodges the sword would become the new king. Of

course, every knight there toiled with the sword. No one could

remove it. “We must tell every knight in the land about the

sword in the stone†proclaimed the archbishop. Finally, after

so many years the people would have their king!

 

The sky was as radiant as diamonds on this glorious New

Year’s Day. Many knights were headed to a tournament to attempt

to pull the sword out of the stone. Sir Kay, Sir Ector, and

Arthur were hurrying when they realized Arthur had left Sir

Kay’s sword behind. Kay immediately dispatched Arthur to go and

fetch it. Arthur was passing the church when he saw the sword

in the stone and hastily snatched it out of it’s rocky holder.

Quickly he brought it back to Sir Kay. “This is not my sword!â€

declared Kay. “Wait a minute, this is the sword from the stone

isn’t it? How did you get it?â€

“I just grabbed it.†Arthur panted.

“Go put it back!†Kay bellowed. Arthur obeyed. Many of

the knights now tried to remove that sword but none succeeded.

“Okay Arthur, now you try!†joked Kay. But Arthur easily slid

the sword out of the stone. Stunned, they all bowed down for

they now had their new king!

[Wildiris]

DD~13 sent me this essay via email as her rough draft, I commented in red and a final comment at the end. I turned in the final draft to her independent study teacher, but I think I'm the only one who read the paper. This is her first attempt at writing this type of paper.

NOTE: The group forum will only post 1000 characters

1/25/11

English

 

What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men

You want to give the author’s name after the title. E.g. [The] Lord of the Flies by___Golding…

Indent each paragraph five spaces. Your tab button should already be calibrated to do this.

The Lord of the Flies is a story that has been read for decades past and will be read for decades to come. Why is this one piece of literature so famous? Because of it’s[close this word] theme. It’s simple statement that evil can be found in all of us. This story shows how a group of innocent schoolboys turn into to murdering savages. Schoolboys are always portrayed as the epitome of innocent, so when Golding shows them as savages, it proves that any of us, no matter how pure, can turn into something that would be abhorred.

 

Our [This is not our story but Golding’s story that become humanity’s story] story starts out with a group of British schoolboys being [Passive] stranded on an uninhabited island [The setting is more than just this. When in time does this story take place and how does it contribute to the theme?]. In the beginning, [the comma isn’t necessary] they try to organize. They select a leader, Ralph, who assigns tasks to groups of people [boys?] and they start [try for a sny. Here] to learn to live on the island. Jack, the antagonist of sorts [why sorts?], soon comes forward with his group of choir boys and offers their services as hunters. Their first catch is a wild pig, but in order to catch it, they leave the signal fire [unattended] just as a ship is passing by. If they had not left that fire, [comma not necessary] they would not have not turned into the savages they would have been rescued] that they would be in the future. After their first kill, the thrill of the hunt overtakes them [who is “them�] and they begin to hunt for sport rather than in [is the word “in†necessary?] necessity.

 

Later, [do you need a comma?] an aerial battle takes place above the island and a dead pilot falls onto the island. It is his parachute that plays a big part in the turning of the schoolboys [incomplete thought-what do mean by turning?]. It causes the children [boys?] to think that there is a ‘beast’[double quotesâ€] on the island. Ralph and Jack go to investigate and find the corpse and parachute, but mistake it for the beast sleeping. This leads up to the boys dividing, [period or semi-colon here] Ralph’s group wanting to maintain the fire and Jack’s group wanting to kill the beast. Jack’s group starts growing more savage, performing tribal dances and using mud as face paint. Ralph said once, “What are we? Humans? Or animals? Or savages? What’s [recheck this quote it doesn’t readright]grown-ups going to think?†(79) They were human,but if looked upon, they would be considered savages or animals.

 

[is this the climax of the story?]One night while in the middle of a tribal dance, Simon stumbles into the ring to tell them that the beast is not a beast, but merely the dead body of the pilot. In the frenzy of the dance, they mistake him for the beast and[ beast] him to [dead], all the while chanting, “Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood!†(168) They then [do you need “thenâ€] set about hunting Ralph’s group. Roger [Who is roger and what is his part in the story?] even makes a stick on which to mount Ralph’s head. They succeed in killing Piggy [Who is Piggy and what ishis significance in the story?] by rolling a huge boulder onto him and [then] set the forest a fire in an attempt to bring Ralph out. As it is so aptly put in [The] Lord of the Flies, they were savages, it was true, but they were human. (169) They were humans that allowed the evil that lurked within them to take over.

 

That is the message that[ I No I pronouns in academic writing] see in [The] Lord of the Flies, that any of us, given the right circumstances, can unleash the evil that resides within all of us. The theme can be overshadowing[ though this makes your writing sound less convincing]. In many places it takes over from the plot, making the book seem as though it was only written for it’s theme. Even if it was though, it may take a story only told for this one purpose to convey this theme.

 

 

I’m sorry I didn’t read this before now. I understand your thesis, but you write about it in a very superficial manner which does not support your thesis well. The book is called Lord of the Flies. Indent paragraphs. Use a 12 point font.

I want you to clean this paper up, trying to include some of my suggestions in your final draft. I think you will do better on your next paper. I will leave enough time to give you feedback and for you to rewrite another draft the next time around. These are the types of papers you will be expected to write in high school. In your final read through of your paper, remove unnecessary words, and be on the lookout for passive construction. The verb “be†will alert you to passives.

[Cleopatra]

Thanks, Wildiris! Including your editing was very helpful!

[FaithManor]

Here is ds (then 11's) creative writing assignment from the first week of May 2010:

(The font and some of the centering, indentions, etc. did not import in properly. He had some verb-tense switching problems.)

 

Turtletrek

Space, the final frontier; these are the voyages of the starship Turtleprise. Its five year mission; to explore strange new turtle cages, to seek out dumb evil cats, to boldly go where no turtle has gone before.

The Turtleprise was a fifty-foot long titanium based cruiser that had mock swim based engines and high energy shells with heat seeking algae. It can go up to mock swim thirteen and runs on dilithium algae from Captain Felix’s aquarium. The crew of fifty turtles, two bunnies, and one frog had been on their mission for two years.

Captain Felix Mendelssohn’s log: Shell-date 2321.9

“I was at mock swim 1, transporting cat ambassadors when something pulled us out of mock swim. It was Captain Brat Cat, my arch enemy.â€

I said, “What gives you the right to trespass turtle space?â€

“I’m looking for a rabbit named Brat Bun,†Captain Brat Cat said.

“I will never give up my chief medical officer!†I exclaimed.

“What would an idiot turtle captain be doing with a medical bunny?†asked Captain Brat Cat.

“I don’t know the answer to that question but its none of your business, little pimple!â€

“Die! You insolent turtles!†hissed Brat Cat rudely.

Brat Cat locked on the Turtleprise with homing hairballs.

“Shoot their engines with heat seeking algae!†commanded Captain Felix to Helmsman Big Bunny. “Helmsman Fred the Frog, evasive swimming maneuvers right now. Steady as she goes.â€

“Captain, we can’t take many more hairballs!†shouted chief engineer Mopsy.

Lieutenant Amy Beach exclaimed, “They’re locking claws on us!â€

Over the intercom, Captain Felix heard one of his algae officers. “Sir, emergency down here.â€

“Captain Felix asked, “What is it?â€

The algae officer answered, “Ambassador cat Schumann is sleeping on top of the chief medical officer’s head!â€

“Move her!â€

“We tried that. We even tried with a car and it didn’t work.â€

“Get a tow truck and tow her to her own quarters.â€

“We tried that, sir. It broke the cable.â€

“Then beam her to her quarters,†Captain Felix replied hastily.

There were fifteen minutes of silence except for the sounds of flying hairballs. Captain Felix waited for chief engineer Mopsey’s engine report. The crew felt intense fear.

The intercom beeped again. It was chief engineer Mopsey. “That last hairball knocked out our mock swim and our shells.â€

“Prepare to beam aboard their ship with squirt bottles,†Captain Felix commanded.

The security team beamed aboard Captain Brat Cat’s ship.

Captain Brat Cat growled, “Attack them!â€

All the turtles drew their squirt bottles and the cats meowed, “We surrender!â€

The day was won. Captain Felix said, “Beam the enemy cats and security team aboard. Throw the cats in the bathtub. Captain Felix out.â€

This was not the end of Captain Brat Cat or his crew of riff-raff, pirate, and unintelligent cats.

“I’ll be back!†scowled Captain Brat Cat while his crew begged for food and attention.

 

Faith

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[rafiki]

.

[Capt_Uhura]

Killgallon's Sentence Composing for Elementary School, p17

 

Study the model and sample imitation paragraph. Write your own paragraph describing any real or imaginary animal, imitating the way the sentences are written in both the model and imitation paragraphs.

 

Here's the model:

There, inside the cupboard, prancing and pawing the white paint, was a lovely, shiny-coated little brown horse. As the cupboard door swung open, the horse shied nervously, turning his face and prickling his ears. It's tiny nostrils flared, and its black tail plumed above his haunches as it gave a high, shrill neigh.

 

Here's DS10s paragraph:

Here, near the big car, walking and sniffing the ground, was a grand, dark-coated rambunctious dog. When the people came out, the dog looked happily, woofing and wagging his tail. His ears perked up, and his eyes searched through the crowd as it heard it's owner's call.

 

(I asked what punctuation he needed for owner to show possession and he added the apostrophe. I gave him rambunctious as a possibility.)

[ELaurie]

Here is his first draft; as you will see, he included extraneous details to add interest to his narration, but they weren't essential to the story line. This made for some very long, wordy sentences :tongue_smilie:

 

In this assignment, I wrote the narration for him; his task was to remember the first sentence or two, and write them down.

 

Benjamin Franklin and his friends loved to go and fish in a pond, but to get to the best fishing spot they had to stand in the pond with water up to their knees. One day, when they were fishing, Benjamin Franklin went and stood upon a pile of rocks that had been dropped off to build a foundation for a new house, and he told all the other boys his idea to build a wharf with the stones so they didn't have to stand in water, and they did so. Now the chief mason, when he found out, was mad, at the boys, so he went to the magistrate and the magistrate told him that he could do whatever he wanted with the boys. The mason let the boys off easy because he saw the spirit of the whole thing, but when Benjamin Franklin came home, he had a talk with his father. Benjamin explained that the only reason they did it was because it was for everyone's benefit. Benjamin's father told him that evil can only make evil, but to make something good, it has to be wrought from good.

 

Here is his final draft:

 

Benjamin Franklin and his friends liked to fish in a pond, but to get to the best fishing spot, they had to stand in water. Benjamin Franklin suggested that they build a wharf with a pile of rocks that had been delivered to build a foundation for a house. The mason who was going to build the foundation was mad, and went to the magistrate; the magistrate said he could do whatever he wanted with the boys. The mason let the boys off easy, but when Benjamin Franklin came home, he had a talk with his father. Benjamin's father told him that evil can only make evil, but to make something good, it has to be wrought from good.

 

From my vantage point, there's still room for improvement, but he did what I asked him to do, which was to create more concise sentences, while still communicating the essential details that would move the narration forward.

[Capt_Uhura]

I don't think the social group is going to work out. It will only let you post 1000 characters! I think it's going to be a pain to keep breaking up writing assignments.

[Wildiris]

Capt_Uhura~ Any suggestions on how this might work? Maybe a link could be posted on the forum to personal blogs, similar to Weekly Reports, where the writing sample is posted and responses would be ease to make. ???

 

What do you think?

Iris

[mom31257]

:bigear:

[Create Your Ritual]

I really did love the idea of a bunch of writing samples in one spot, categorized so you could see all the posts, questions,etc. about that one sample.

 

Or say... if you wanted to compare Homer to IEW SWI (something like that).. one could see the writing samples coming from both to maybe get an idea of how they are similar, how they differ. That is always my biggest question. When it comes down to it, does IEW, CW, MCT, etc. produce the same style of writing in the end?

 

Not to mention what is typical in writing for 4th grade, 5th grade, 6th grade... it would be nice to categorize by grades. Wow... that is a lot of, "It would be nice....." ;-)

 

Frankly just the 'few' samples I have seen so far have been awesome, so I am thrilled to be able to look at them anyway I can get them. ;-)

 

**** It's too bad we couldn't do something like an open blog (where we all have the ability to post). We could then categorize them as IEW, 5th grade, etc. They would show up in several places in the categories section and if someone was looking specifically at one thing or the other they could access it. **** - added after I originally posted.

Edited February 15, 2011 by SaDonna

[Capt_Uhura]

How about a freebie website or yahoogroup? Perhaps SWB would link to it in a sticky on this board. We could then have a place for just samples w/ no discussion and a place for one sample per thread w/ discussion.

[Jilly]

My daughter, 11, wrote this yesterday. It was a creative writing assignment. She had to write a short, suspenseful story. This is her first draft.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Tell me we're there," breathed Alina softly.

 

"You are not as hardy as I suspected, lassie..." said Fredgar, the old haggard driver. His face was always hidden from view under a worn and weather-beaten black hood. Alina's friends had informed her that he did this to hide his jagged scars and sallow face. She tried to convince herself that she did not believe these ridiculous tales, yet there was an ominous air about him, and Alina was now apprehensive about uncovering the truth, which she was sure she would find concealed under that horrible hood.

 

To distract herself, she scrolled through the playlists on her iPod. Alina finally settled on a new album she had purchased for the dull trip through the dreary quagmire to her great Aunt Lettia's. She popped in the headphones and began to listen to the loud music. But slowly, she noticed that the entertaining beat of the song had changed: the drum beats faded, the guitars seemed to melt away, the vocalists became soft and grave, then incomprehensible, and then died away all together, as if they had been from a distant dream.

 

Gradually, the beat struck up a slow, mournful tune. Alina impulsively tried to reach up her hands to take out the headphones and change the playlist, but she found that her headphones seemed to be bound to her very ears. A dread grew inside of her, and she knew that she needed to stop listening to this strange new music. Yet Alina could not take off the headphones and could not force herself to ignore it. Her heart felt heavy, the music seemed to now pulsate in her ears, eerie and monotonous. Her eyelids drooped and she began to lay her head on her shoulders. She was almost asleep when the music once more became louder than before, but now too loud! It screeched and wailed deafeningly in her pounding ears.

 

"Turn that down, Miss, or I shall have to turn it down, for you!" called Fredgar. Alina tried to reply, but she could not speak. Her voice had stopped sounding and her lips had frozen. Panic and fear grew inside her, and she tried to move her arms to communicate, but she seemed paralyzed! She could not even blink; all she could do was sit there and breathe heavily. A horrible raspy voice came on in her headphones. She felt sure that she was nearly deaf. The voice crooned in a horrible jarring whisper:

 

Go to sleep, Alina... Go to sleep!

 

It screamed the last words, but Alina could not shut her eyes! The hood of Fredgar was bending over her, now. The last thing she saw was the horrid pale marred face of the driver before everything went silent and black.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

My daughter, 11, wrote this yesterday. It was a creative writing assignment. She had to write a short, suspenseful story. This is her first draft.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Tell me we're there," breathed Alina softly.

 

"You are not as hardy as I suspected, lassie..." said Fredgar, the old haggard driver. His face was always hidden from view under a worn and weather-beaten black hood. Alina's friends had informed her that he did this to hide his jagged scars and sallow face. She tried to convince herself that she did not believe these ridiculous tales, yet there was an ominous air about him, and Alina was now apprehensive about uncovering the truth, which she was sure she would find concealed under that horrible hood.

 

To distract herself, she scrolled through the playlists on her iPod. Alina finally settled on a new album she had purchased for the dull trip through the dreary quagmire to her great Aunt Lettia's. She popped in the headphones and began to listen to the loud music. But slowly, she noticed that the entertaining beat of the song had changed: the drum beats faded, the guitars seemed to melt away, the vocalists became soft and grave, then incomprehensible, and then died away all together, as if they had been from a distant dream.

 

Gradually, the beat struck up a slow, mournful tune. Alina impulsively tried to reach up her hands to take out the headphones and change the playlist, but she found that her headphones seemed to be bound to her very ears. A dread grew inside of her, and she knew that she needed to stop listening to this strange new music. Yet Alina could not take off the headphones and could not force herself to ignore it. Her heart felt heavy, the music seemed to now pulsate in her ears, eerie and monotonous. Her eyelids drooped and she began to lay her head on her shoulders. She was almost asleep when the music once more became louder than before, but now too loud! It screeched and wailed deafeningly in her pounding ears.

 

"Turn that down, Miss, or I shall have to turn it down, for you!" called Fredgar. Alina tried to reply, but she could not speak. Her voice had stopped sounding and her lips had frozen. Panic and fear grew inside her, and she tried to move her arms to communicate, but she seemed paralyzed! She could not even blink; all she could do was sit there and breathe heavily. A horrible raspy voice came on in her headphones. She felt sure that she was nearly deaf. The voice crooned in a horrible jarring whisper:

 

Go to sleep, Alina... Go to sleep!

 

It screamed the last words, but Alina could not shut her eyes! The hood of Fredgar was bending over her, now. The last thing she saw was the horrid pale marred face of the driver before everything went silent and black.

 

And then what happened????? Ask her if she can have the next section done by tomorrow. Reading that was the most excitement this homeschool mom's had all day. LOL Well done.

[Capt_Uhura]

Ok, I too am waiting for the next installment!!!! PLease tell her to keep writing!

[Kimber]

I was visiting and saw this idea of posting examples. I thought I'd post an example of one of my daughter's papers. This is her first contrast paper, if I remember correctly. She is 12, and I helped with the grammar some. This was a co-op assignment and not from any writing program. The teacher has taught writing for several years and has her own assignments she works from. My daughter has mostly done copywork, narration, and dictation per SWB's TWTM pre-WWE, along with CW Aesop, some Homer, and dress-up free IEW assignments. In addition to this, she did Paragraph Writing Made Easy.

 

She has her own style, developed from all of the reading she does, evident in the way she used the word severely. It's correct, just not common.

 

Lords, Serfs contrast paper

 

Feudalism was the system of rank in the middle ages. It depended on the people at the bottom—the serfs. The lords, though not immediately below the king, were higher in rank than the serfs and ruled over them. Lords and serfs were very different. However, there were a few similarities between the two. They both drank ale because it was safer than water. And in both groups the fathers or brothers decided whom the women would marry. And the women were not allowed to make a living for themselves, regardless of their rank, at least not in public. And both lords and serfs served under someone, but the similarities ended there. What they wore, what they ate, and how they worked varied severely.

 

The serfs were very poor, the lowest of the low. The men wore short, simple tunics and thin leather leggings—the richer and longer the tunic, the higher the rank. The women wore clothes similar to the men’s, except instead of leggings, they wore a long skirt, and some of them had no tunic. The children just wore a smaller version of their parent’s clothes. What they ate was also simple-mostly vegetables and bland porridge. They would have been healthier than the lords, but they were very unsanitary and worked every day, except for holy days, from sun-up till sundown. They had to pay the lord to use the oven and the mill because there was only one of each in the village. They were also heavily taxed by the lords. The serfs were starving, poor, and overworked.

 

Unlike the serfs, the lords were rich, powerful, and could waste money on frivolous things. The ladies wore beautiful silk dresses and all kinds of strange hats. The lords wore robes and long decorated tunics. The lords’ shoes had pointed tips so long they had to be tied back. Lords and ladies ate rich fattening foods, like pudding, almonds, unripe grapes, eggs, pheasants, and lots of meat. The lord’s job was to protect and control their manor and the village surrounding it. The lords fought off enemies and in return the serfs, who were under their protection, gave the lords almost everything they made. The lords then gave part of this to the king.

 

Aside from a few similarities the lives of lords and serfs were very different from each other. The serfs worked hard and had almost nothing to show for it. The lords hardly did anything, yet they were very well off. Feudalism was unfair and only beneficial to the people on top.

[ELaurie]

I don't think the social group is going to work out. It will only let you post 1000 characters! I think it's going to be a pain to keep breaking up writing assignments.

 

I think the simplest solution is to cross post essays in this thread and on the Logic / Middle Grades Forum. We can refer to this thread to read a variety of different student writing samples, and to the individual threads to read comments / feedback about each of the essays.

[Kimber]

And now for my son. Here's a sample of his work. He has done copywork, narration, and dictation. Along with this he has done some of Writing Tales 1, followed by PWME, and now IEW at co-op. He does have all of the dress-ups included, but the other teacher and I try hard not to let the papers sound unnatural, but sometimes they do. I don't think it will be a problem in the long run. Without them, his paper would be much shorter and more monotonous.

 

The King of England

 

One cold Christmas day in Londontown, people crowded the streets on their way to church. Among these people was Sir Ector an elderly, but respected knight. With him was his oldest son Sir Kay, who was determined to become the next King of England. Quietly, Arthur followed behind them. As Sir Ector’s youngest son and Sir Kay’s squire, Arthur’s job was to serve Sir Kay and stay out of trouble.

 

Today in Londontown, Merlin the Wizard was supposed to announce the rightful King of England. The people overflowed with excitement at the idea of finally having a king to restore order and peace.

 

When everyone was inside the massive wooden church, the priest spoke. The people listened to him monologue for hours. Suddenly, they saw a blinding light burst through the windows of the church. They rushed outside into the cold, pushing and shoving, to find out what had happened. To their surprise, they discovered an anvil on a stone. In the anvil sat a golden jeweled sword.

 

“Was this the thing that caused the light?†someone asked.

 

“I don’t know,†answered the priest, who was still very surprised. Cautiously, he approached the stone, studied it, and found an inscription. He read aloud the words “Whoever pulls the sword out of the stone is the rightful King of England.â€

 

One-by-one the knights stepped forward and tried to remove the sword. They tugged and pulled. They pulled and tugged. None succeeded.

 

“The king must not be here,†exclaimed the priest. “We must tell every knight in the kingdom about the sword in the stone.â€

 

Arthur did not even try.

 

On New Year’s Day in Londontown, there was a tournament. All knights who entered first tried to pull the sword from the stone, and then moved on to the tournament. Of course, Sir Kay entered. When it was almost his turn, Arthur helped him put on his armor.

 

“Hand me my sword,†commanded Sir Kay.

 

“The sword!†cried Arthur, “It must be back home!â€

 

“Don’t just stand there!†shouted Sir Kay, “Bring it here!â€

 

Immediately, Arthur jumped on his horse and rode like the wind. On his way he passed the church and noticed the eye-catching sword in the stone.

 

I’ll just take that sword, thought Arthur.

When he returned, he handed the sword to Sir Kay.

 

“This is not my sword!†exclaimed Sir Kay. “It’s the sword from the stone!â€

 

Suddenly, everyone crowded around Arthur.

 

“How did you get this?†asked Sir Kay.

 

“I took it,†answered Arthur.

 

“Hold it!†yelled Sir Ector, who was also there. “Let’s walk to the church and determine if you really dislodged the sword from the stone.â€

 

“Yes, Father,†answered Arthur.

 

When they reached the church, Sir Ector put the sword back in its original place. Every knight present again tried to pull the sword from the stone.

 

“All right,†Sir Kay told Arthur, “you try.â€

 

As soon as Arthur pulled the sword from the stone, everyone immediately bowed before Arthur, who was the rightful King of England.

[Jilly]

And then what happened????? Ask her if she can have the next section done by tomorrow. Reading that was the most excitement this homeschool mom's had all day. LOL Well done.

 

 

Ok, I too am waiting for the next installment!!!! PLease tell her to keep writing!

 

Thanks! :) I will let her know that she should continue the story. She wrote this very quickly for an assignment, and I am not sure she even knows what happens next.

[Jilly]

To give others some encouragement, writing does not come easily to all children.

 

:iagree:Thanks for writing this. My daughter loves to write and would do it all day if I let her. Her twin brother, on the other hand, struggles with any writing, and we are constantly working on this skill.

[Pata]

We own our own server because of ES and I think we could set up some type of website that could be used for this purpose. I'll check with dh and if he's ok with that. If he is, I'll start a new thread about it so that we can brainstorm what features we'd like on it :).

 

ETA: Dh gave the go ahead, here's the thread. Let me know what you all think!

Edited February 16, 2011 by Pata

[choirfarm]

Here is my 8th graders paper that he handed me yesterday with no help. Now... this son's writing used to be alive, but VERY disorganized. Last year he had a paper on the Civil War. He had an imaginative title ( about one topic) , a thesis statement ( about another topic), specific, well written details ( about a 3rd topic). I loved to read his individual sentences, but his organization was a mess. Well, I've taught him organization but his great vocabulary and word choices went out the window... We'll be revising this one together quite a bit. I had to scan it as it was on another computer and I pasted the last two lines.

The Great General

Douglas MacArthur was a great general. There is much to agree and disagree in

this statement. His skills as a general are nothing less than outstanding in WWII and the

Korean War. But his loud words and actions did much to hurt his image. In the end,

MacArthur was a great general that could have been greater if he had remembered his

place, as a subordinate to the president.

Douglas MacArthur proved that he was a great general in World War II. He was

the commander ofthe American forces in the Pacific. When the Japanese attacked the

Philippines, MacArthur held them off until the President ordered him back. MacArthur

then told the Philippines in one of his most famous quotes, that he would return. He later

took a part in driving the Japanese back in New Guinea. He then began to slowly hop

from one island to another, driving the enemy back step by step, and doing it very

effectively. His island-hopping strategy was brilliant, proving that he was a great

commander. After World War II, he was appointed Supreme Commander over Japan. He

wrote the Constitution that gave everyone the right to vote, and helped it become one of

the most stable and successful economies of the later zo" Century. His accomplishments

during World War II proved that he was a great general. He had the lowest casualty rate

of any commander of World War II. He had done much to show he was a great general in

World War II.

General MacArthur also proved he was a great general in Korea, but it is also

where he forgot his place in matters of war. After the North Koreans had pushed the.

American and South Korean force to the end of the Korean peninsula, MacArthur struck

back with what is considered to be one ofthe most brilliant moves ofU.S military

history. He decided the best way to defeat the North Koreans was to strike behind their

lines at Inchon. The people at Washington opposed the plan, But MacArthur went

through with it anyway. The move was a huge success. MacArthur shoved the forces of

the North Koreans back towards China. The Chinese warned America ifit got to close,

they would attack. MacArthur knew that Washington would tell him to stop his troop

movement, so he stopped clearing his movements with the Pentagon. The Chinese

attacked and drove the Americans back. President Truman was afraid that the Soviet

Union would get into the conflict and turn it into World War III, so he planned to call

cease fire and begin peace talks. But before he could, MacArthur made a statement that

infuriated Truman. He called the Chinese a defeated army, and if they did not withdraw,

they would be wiped out. Shortly after, President Truman relieved Douglas MacArthur of

command. MacArthur's big mouth had wiped him of command. He had forgotten that it

was not he that commanded, but the president. It was the end of the great general.

MacArthur's military strategy in Korea was nothing short of brilliant, but it was also

where he showed his tremendous faults as a general. He had forgotten his place, and it

proved to be the end of him.

In the end MacArthur's generalship in the Pacific and Korea proved he wsa a great general. But in the end what killed him was his lack of knowledge that it was the president, the ocmmander-in-chief, who ws in charge, not him. Despite these faults, he will always be remembered s one of the greatest generals America ever had.

Edited February 16, 2011 by choirfarm

[HSMom2One]

I am a bit reluctant as I join up with this thread and group, but feel maybe I should...Although 11yo dd is becoming a stronger writer, I have not yet introduced typing to her school papers. We are still working on writing everything out by hand, improving handwriting skills along with grammar and composition. So one question I have for you all is this: Did you type the samples for your dc or did they?

 

My plan has been to hold off dd's typing of school papers until 7th/8th grade level. I am going to try once again to get her to do a typing course over the summer. Dd types a lot online, but hasn't been interested in learning to type correctly despite many efforts to get her to go through a whole course such as Dance Mat. She is actually a fast typist doing it "her way" and she can be a very strong willed child. I know that I'm going to have to break her of her typing habits at some point, and don't look forward to that day!

 

Another reason for my reluctance is that in some ways we are lagging a bit (i.e. We are using R&S 5th grade English this year instead of 6th grade level, and I am just now beefing up her composition lessons during the second semester of 6th grade.) Dd is bright, capable and eager to learn -- a voracious reader and a very expressive person, so I have no worries about her abilities. As I write this post, I am beginning to realize that perhaps I feel a bit intimidated by some of you who have been placing a stronger emphasis on writing at younger age levels. I, myself, am a strong writer. Up until now I've just struggled with being a strong writing teacher. By profession I am an artist and art teacher, and I have a great love for literature and history. These are where my greatest strengths as a teacher lie, but I can see how I could also be a good writing teacher. Maybe I need to write about this in my blog. :001_huh: There are so many things I could share related to these things, but for now I'll get back to the point.

 

We are TOG users, and I am finally delving more into the writing side of the curriculum. I am learning how to use Writing Aids to its full potential after only dabbling in it for the past 1.5 years. I like the program and plan to continue using it, as I'm convinced that this combined with R&S English should provide more than adequate writing instruction for dd's education.

 

If anyone has suggestions or encouragement for me as I timidly approach this group, then I'm listening and ready to go forward. It seems that maybe the Lord is giving me a gentle nudge in this direction.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

Edited February 16, 2011 by HSMom2One

[choirfarm]

I am a bit reluctant as I join up with this thread and group, but feel maybe I should...Although 11yo dd is becoming a stronger writer, I have not yet introduced typing to her school papers. We are still working on writing everything out by hand, improving handwriting skills along with grammar and composition. So one question I have for you all is this: Did you type the samples for your dc or did they?

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

 

Well, my children want to type. Their handwriting is atrocious!! My 3rd grader writes everything, but she wanted to type her first paper and did so in Anne Frank, but it took her forever.

 

For my other two boys, if it was a paper then they had to hand it in typed. Always.. In junior high they did a typing program on the computer and had to achieve a certain WPM. Now as I said, the area of homeschooling where I have failed has been handwriting. They type probably too much. But then again, you take your laptop with you to college know to take notes.

 

Christine

[calandalsmom]

This is the combined effort of my 10 and 13 yr old- iew, informative paragraph.

 

William the Conqueror and the Fight for the Throne

 

Edward the Confessor promised the throne of England to two people, which led to the Battle of Hastings in 1066. William of Normandy was unfortunately the bastard son of a tanner’s daughter and the King of Normandy. Harold was Edward’s brother in law. After Edward’s death, Harold became king. William invaded England after building an army. Harold built barricades with trees. Double edged axes and spears were used to fight the battle. The Normans charged Harold’s barricades on horseback. A Norman with a bow shot Harold in the face, which killed him. William was crowned king on Christmas Day. He spent the next five years fighting, which earned him the name William the conqueror. Normans ruled. William held the throne of England for many years to come.

[Mallory]

Okay, I am thinking this would be easier if it were sorted by levels. But instead of grades what if we had a thread for begining logic writers (could be from 4th to 6th graders), middle logic writers (mostly 6th and 7th graders) and heading toward rhetoric (could be 7th to 9th graders).

[Capt_Uhura]

I like that idea Mallory! Did you see Pata's post about starting a website? I wish it could be done here but perhaps a separate website would work? Would folks forget about it over time? What about if we could get SWB to put a link to it in a sticky on this board?

[ELaurie]

I like that idea Mallory! Did you see Pata's post about starting a website? I wish it could be done here but perhaps a separate website would work? Would folks forget about it over time? What about if we could get SWB to put a link to it in a sticky on this board?

 

I think organizing this thread in a different way to make it more accessible is a good idea too, but I agree with Capt. Uhura that a separate website would likely be forgotten over time. Keeping the thread(s) here would also allow newcomers to this forum to access them more readily.

 

Here's a link to a post where we can brainstorm ideas about how to restructure this thread.

Edited February 16, 2011 by ELaurie

[nukeswife]

I agree that a separate website would possibly be forgotten over time. What about setting it up similar to the weekly report on the main page. It wouldn't have to be weekly could be bi-monthly or monthly even. Then someone could post a thread of "Writing Reports xxdate, early logic writers" and there could be one for each of the levels. I agree that breaking it up into early, middle, late logic stage seems best, because I know my 6th grader isn't very advanced in his writing (My fault)

 

Now to the question of typing. I added in typing instruction with my kids this year. My oldest is only up to about 11 WPM, but he prefers to type his 2nd draft, the first one is hand written, but after that he types it and we'll go over it sometimes, editing and revising 3-4 times before it's finally done. I think letting him type it and save it, making subsequent revisions easier is the key to him starting to enjoy writing. If I made him do all his re-writes by hand he would mutiny. His handwriting isn't great, but we work on that in other areas.

[Cleopatra]

I am a bit reluctant as I join up with this thread and group, but feel maybe I should...Although 11yo dd is becoming a stronger writer, I have not yet introduced typing to her school papers. We are still working on writing everything out by hand, improving handwriting skills along with grammar and composition. So one question I have for you all is this: Did you type the samples for your dc or did they?

 

 

 

My dd typed the sample I submitted but this is unusual. When doing CW, she handwrites all of her assignments. It's only occasionally that I allow her to write an assignment on the computer. I feel it's good practice, as it is a different medium than pen and paper and does take a little getting used to (or at least for my dd it did). The sample was a final draft.

 

Please don't feel intimidated, Lucinda. We are also a book behind in R&S (R&S5). And honestly I had my dd write almost nothing until grade 4. I find what has helped my dd's writing more than anything is reading good (ie. well-constructed, twaddle-free) books. Just from listening and reading consistently the vocabulary and sentence structure has been built in her mind. She just happens to be a reasonably good writer but let me tell you, if we were doing a math thread here, she'd be at the bottom of the pack.

 

Some dc are going to be advanced, some will be behind, and some will be in-between. One of my reservations about posting on this thread is that we will start to compare dc and some will feel inadequate or that they need to "do more". IMO, it is way too early to tell what type of writers our children are going to be. I just want to enjoy reading everyone's posts and learn a little. I thought WildIris's post, showing how she corrects her dd's writing, was extremely helpful. I loved OElizabeth's sample of her dd's writing on the first thread ..... I have been thinking of Jeeves ever since. Hopefully at this age, we can simply enjoy our children's writing at all the different levels and not analyze too much until we get to the high school forum ..... KWIM? :001_smile:

[Capt_Uhura]

I agree Cleopatra! I hope we can all meet our DC where they are and try to move them forward. I've really enjoyed reading all the posts so far! It's amazing what these kids come up!