My dds first homecoming is ruined

[kahlanne]

My dd is in ninth grade and is finally allowed to go to the homecoming dance. Her friends were allowed in middle school. Her date is someone we knew slightly and thought very highly of. He is a sophmore and is on the boy's soccer team. DD is on the girl's soccer team. Being that dh is the soccer league president, we knew of him and his parents but only slightly. Anyway, we don't allow her to "date" really but she is allowed to talk to him on the phone/text and at school. Their first outing was the dance. Yesterday we were going to go look for dresses when dh called. The boys guardian, uncle, called and told him that he turned him in on Friday for selling his adarol pills. Seems P had failed a test on Thursday and had his phone taken away. DD knew this. His uncle looked through his phone and saw the "sales" and contacted the school. The school expelled him and he is to go to a reform/bootcamp school nearby if the school or parents decide to not press charges which would be much worse for P. Dd is devastated. Not only does she really like this boy but she is embarrassed and shocked. She also hates that people will associate her with drugs. She also hates that this could "ruin" his life. She doesn't want him to become worse. He hasn't been in trouble before but being a ward of the state due to his parent's issues, he has a knock against him already. He has always been active in sports and a straight A/B student. Anyway, she is also so upset because this was her first "real" boyfriend and her first dance. I feel horrible for both P and my daughter. Don't get me wrong, I hate what P did but I know that if this is his first stupid mistake he picked a big one. P isn't allowed any phone, internet, etc and therefore can't talk to dd. I told her that I would contact P's uncle to ask if she can call him to say bye of course with me present and if uncle present then so be it. Dh thinks this is a bad idea. I just know it is bothering her because she went to school Thursday and thought he was fine and then won't see or hear from him again. I suggested to dd that she tell P that she is angry and hurt but if he gets his life back on track and proves himself to all parents involved, then they could be friends in the future. Dh doesn't like that. I told him that if he uses this as a lesson and proves to us that he is up and up then why not give him another chance in a year if he wants. Plus, it may help if he knows that his friends are willing to forgive in that instance rather than write him off. Dh says there will always be a stigma to him. I say that I made many mistakes, no crimes, as a teen and had people known they could have written me off but I turned around. Dh even committed crimes, underage drinking, and he is an upstanding adult because he learned from his mistakes. The only difference in us and P is we were not found out and made known publicly.

 

Anyway, what do you think? Would you allow dd to talk to P to say goodbye? Would you allow him back if he proves to be on the straight path in the future? Btw, two of our friends are highschool teachers that know P and were shocked. We also know both boy's soccer coaches and the girl's soccer coaches and they were equally shocked. Anyway, any advice?

[Harriet Vane]

Firm boundaries tempered with mercy and kindness.

 

Let her say her supervised goodbye.

 

Do NOT hold out ANY hope to your dd that maybe she can date this guy in the future. That's just not wise. Watching and waiting will simply tie up her heart with someone who is currently not good for her.

[kahlanne]

This post sounds like I am more conscerned for P than dd and I am not. I hate that he ruined her first Homecoming. I could just shake him!!!! I also hate that she even has to deal with this. She was completely floored but I know she has a great set of friends to support her and we will be there too. I know she will get through this but I hate it!!!

[DarcyB]

Personally, I would not go against my husband on something like this. If he is adamant that he doesn't want it to happen, and there is no safety/salvation/legal issue with it, I would not go against him. That doesn't mean that she can't have contact with him down the road, or that your husband cannot change his mind, but to defy him in this would be something I wouldn't do.

[Guest ME-Mommy]

Do NOT hold out ANY hope to your dd that maybe she can date this guy in the future. That's just not wise. Watching and waiting will simply tie up her heart with someone who is currently not good for her.

 

:iagree: and I wouldn't go against DH's wishes... ;)

[kahlanne]

Firm boundaries tempered with mercy and kindness.

 

Let her say her supervised goodbye.

 

Do NOT hold out ANY hope to your dd that maybe she can date this guy in the future. That's just not wise. Watching and waiting will simply tie up her heart with someone who is currently not good for her.

 

 

Thanks for the advice Strider. I told her that she can't date him or even speak to him for the year he will be in reform school unless she sees him locally. If she runs into him she can be polite and ask how he is doing, etc though. I explained that she can tell him that when he gets it together they can be friends again but he needs to get his life back on track and prove that to all involved. She can even encourage him in her goodbye to do that and tell him the choice is his but she knows he is better than the choice he made recently. I don't want her to put her life on hold and won't allow it either but I also don't want her to be too judgemental.

[kahlanne]

Oh, no, I won't go against dh on this issue. We will make a joint decision but sometimes it helps to have other povs so that I can see his side better and even take a look at why I may be wrong. I thought if you all agreed with dh on the issue then I would completely drop it. Dh did say that he isn't into this closure nonscence but maybe it is a girl thing. He said we would take some more.

[flyingiguana]

If she wants to say goodbye, let her do it. Don't get caught up in denying their relationship. It will only make him seem more attractive.

 

This is an opportunity to "be there" for her in this crisis. She'll remember, if you handle it with grace and respect for her feelings. It will give your advice a lot more weight.

 

Can she still go to the dance? Some schools allow kids to go in a group, rather than as "dates". If so, is there a group she could go with? It might soften the blow, if she still wants to go.

[2cents]

I think your dh is right. There is a reason the uncle took such a firm stand. I suspect this is not the first time this boy has been in trouble. It may only be the first time he has been publically outed. Dating him in the future IMO is a very bad idea. This is a good way for dd to make a clean break and move on.

[Annie G]

I'm not sure you have all the information yet. Perhaps he'd been selling his Adderall for months. Or perhaps he sold for the first time last week to get money for homecoming. Of course both are equally wrong, but teenagers don't always use the best judgement.

There sounds like more to the story- an A/B student fails one test and has his phone taken away? What would make his uncle monitor his grades that tightly this early in the year unless he's either overbearing or the kid has given him reason to believe he needs to stay on him?

 

Did they expel the kids who bought the drugs?

 

A one-time lapse in judgement can be overcome- it's up to him to change his behavior. But it might also be too soon to promise your dd that she can have a relationship with him- too many unknowns.

 

Hope she can enjoy homecoming week- maybe her friends will rally and she'll have a nice time.

[kwickimom]

I would let her say a final goodbye. Closure is SO important in healing processes (speaking from my experiences)

 

I would talk to DH. This is not DD's fault and I dont think she needs to suffer more than she is.She is probably in shock and I think at least a goodbye would help her a little. This boy ruined her dance and his actions probably will reflect on her somewhat and she is innocent. I would try and explain this to DH. It is not fair for her to not get her final say and goodbye if it is supervised. I would work hard on this with him. I am not sure I would blatantly go against my DH's wishes, but I would definitley have a long talk about it!

[J-rap]

***

Edited February 19, 2023 by J-rap

[dirty ethel rackham]

I would not go against your dh. I think he is wise here. If dd wanted to write him a short note, I think that might help her with a sense of closure. As far as future contact, I would say "no" now (because of concern with recidivism) but leave things open in the future to change your mind.

 

One thing I am getting from your post is high drama. This is to be expected from teens and dating. However. to say that her homecoming is "ruined" only adds to her drama. It elevates the importance of this event beyond what is reasonable. Acknowledge and honor her feelings, but don't give them more merit than they are worth. This is a crush of a freshman in high school, not the broken heart of someone dumped after a long-term relationship. It is homecoming, not a marriage. Help her learn perspective, don't get sucked into her micro-focused world, but help draw her out to see the bigger picture.

[Pippen]

I'm not sure you have all the information yet. Perhaps he'd been selling his Adderall for months. Or perhaps he sold for the first time last week to get money for homecoming. Of course both are equally wrong, but teenagers don't always use the best judgement.

There sounds like more to the story- an A/B student fails one test and has his phone taken away? What would make his uncle monitor his grades that tightly this early in the year unless he's either overbearing or the kid has given him reason to believe he needs to stay on him?

 

Did they expel the kids who bought the drugs?

 

A one-time lapse in judgement can be overcome- it's up to him to change his behavior. But it might also be too soon to promise your dd that she can have a relationship with him- too many unknowns.

 

Hope she can enjoy homecoming week- maybe her friends will rally and she'll have a nice time.

 

I agree that there is probably a whole lot more going on here than an impulsive one-time stupid mistake. Not many parents/guardians would go so far as to turn a child in to the school for a first time offense, knowing that schools take a zero tolerance stance on drugs so expulsion is the likely outcome. That move alone was profoundly life altering for a kid, in that it impacts his education and criminal record in ways that can't be undone. A more typical reaction to a first time would be to schedule the teen with a counselor, seek out help from other parents online, change schools, residential treatment if substance abuse is suspected, etc.

[Chris in VA]

I agree with the posters that say this is way too much drama for you and your family to get sucked into.

And I agree that there is most likely a LOT more to the story than you know.

 

"Reform School"? Or residential treatment?

 

Let me tell you as a parent who has walked that long, long road--NO residential treatment or reform school will take a first-time offender. It's a last resort, not a first line of treatment.

 

I'd be telling my girl that it may be hard to bear, but this is to SAVE that kid, not mess up his life. He's a drug dealer. You do not want your child messing around in that world, with its skewed outlook.

 

Sorry her date was ruined. More sorry the attitude seems that the kid is being unjustly punished when the uncle is trying to help him.

[kahlanne]

I am sure I don't know the entire story. I get the feeling that they uncle is tough on him because he wants to keep him from the lifestyle that the parents lead. I am sure there are issues too but I have never heard from anyone any that have been public. Plus, the uncle was pretty blunt with dh about everything yesterday and implied this was his first time in this kind of trouble. Uncle said that there were other kids involved and he thinks their parents need to know. Yes, the four involved were all expelled. According to uncle, it was three buyers and P. I guess you could say I am shocked.

 

One thing I have learned is that we made the right choice waiting until 9th grade to allow any "boy" talk and no true dating still. Dd was upset at the beginning of the year that the only thing she could do with boys was text with me being able to check it at any time and talk at school along with the supervised dances which I would drop her off and pick her up. I told her after a few months of this, she could invite boy to our house with our supervision but no where else. She thought this was unreasonable since P was a "good kid" and we couldn't find anything negative about him. She now understands. Btw, it also helps her to understand that outside of her 5 inner circle of friends that we have known their families and them for years, the rules are similar albeit a little more lax than with a boy. It helps her see our pov. I guess that is the one thing she can take from this along with never do drugs or think you can do something illegal even just once without being caught. You just never know the price you will have to pay!

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I

 

One thing I am getting from your post is high drama. This is to be expected from teens and dating. However. to say that her homecoming is "ruined" only adds to her drama. It elevates the importance of this event beyond what is reasonable. Acknowledge and honor her feelings, but don't give them more merit than they are worth. This is a crush of a freshman in high school, not the broken heart of someone dumped after a long-term relationship. It is homecoming, not a marriage. Help her learn perspective, don't get sucked into her micro-focused world, but help draw her out to see the bigger picture.

 

 

Maybe you can help her refocus so that so much of the attention is not on "OMG!! My homecoming was RUINED!!!" This is not so much about HER, but about the bigger picture. She will get over not having a date for a school dance. Many years from now this will barely register in her memory.

[Laurie4b]

If you're asking just to see if you're off base, I would tend to feel the same way that you do. I knew lots of kids that did stuff like this boy did and some turned out fine and some not so fine and you're right: part of the issue is that he was caught.

 

If he already has had lots of hard knocks in life and yet was doing well, I surely hope that the system will respond with wisdom and not just consequences.

 

I don't agree with dh that he'll always be tainted. Most people are understanding about the errors of teenagers and know they don't necessarily indicate the future. Also, any record he has will be confidential because he's a minor.

 

I wouldn't hold out friendship for the future from dd especially because this has been romantic and she might attempt to "rescue" him. However, I think hearing a good-bye from someone he cares about that expresses continued care for him despite being hurt and embarrassed and hope for his future would be a good thing. If not from dd, perhaps from you. Having an adult "believe in him" may be just what he needs.

[kahlanne]

Yes, it is high drama and I do think she is right in feeling her homecoming is "ruined" because now she doesn't want to go and it is this weekend. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, life will go on and she will be fine. I know that because she has a great inner circle of friends and we are very supportive and involved in our kids' lives. However, the excitement that she had with being asked to her first allowed homecoming dance after watching her friends go throughtout middle school made this homecoming more important to her. She also feels bad for P if it is as cut and dry as a first time offense and major screwup. I don't want to raise her to think that a person can't make a mistake, however big, and then turn there life around and do better. It is all P's choice now and he can't make it for her or anyone else but himself. He is going to reform school nearby so they may run into each other in our smaller town but otherwise no contact and she understands. She happens to agree with the uncle for turning him in. I am shocked because like some of you said, this isn't the usual action and I am not sure what I would do in that situation. Hope to never be!

 

Oh, and for the reform school question. They do take first time offenders for expelled students relating to drugs or violence. I am not sure all of the details but know this is supposed to be a place that helps get them back on track before they decide to continue down that wrong path. It isn't a large school but a friend of mine has subbed there a few times and says they are extremely strict but many of the kids straighten up and turn their life around. Many don't sadly.

[kahlanne]

If you're asking just to see if you're off base, I would tend to feel the same way that you do. I knew lots of kids that did stuff like this boy did and some turned out fine and some not so fine and you're right: part of the issue is that he was caught.

 

If he already has had lots of hard knocks in life and yet was doing well, I surely hope that the system will respond with wisdom and not just consequences.

 

I don't agree with dh that he'll always be tainted. Most people are understanding about the errors of teenagers and know they don't necessarily indicate the future. Also, any record he has will be confidential because he's a minor.

 

I wouldn't hold out friendship for the future from dd especially because this has been romantic and she might attempt to "rescue" him. However, I think hearing a good-bye from someone he cares about that expresses continued care for him despite being hurt and embarrassed and hope for his future would be a good thing. If not from dd, perhaps from you. Having an adult "believe in him" may be just what he needs.

 

 

Yes, this was mostly to see through others eyes of people not involved. I do see dh's pov and mine and thought maybe I could see the best option with tossing this out there.

 

 

However, I think hearing a good-bye from someone he cares about that expresses continued care for him despite being hurt and embarrassed and hope for his future would be a good thing. If not from dd, perhaps from you. Having an adult "believe in him" may be just what he needs.

 

This explains better my thinking on the potential friendship later. Thanks for wording it better. There never was a time frame, etc but I knew he will be in the reform school for a year and no contact with dd during this time by both ourselves and his parent's rules.

 

[flyingiguana]

I would not be focusing my efforts on the boy. He's messed up, but hopefully there are people nearer to him (and the school) who will be able to help him. You and your daughter probably can't do much to help him anyway.

 

But I would be concerned about how your daughter takes this. My best advice is to be available for her, for whatever she wants to talk about. I would worry that laying down stringent rules about her contact with this boy is only going to set up a situation where she would side with the boy against the rest of the world. And the rules may not even be necessary. She may be perfectly capable of staying on the right path, as long as she feels she's trusted.

 

It may look just like high drama to us, but to a young teenage girl, this might be the bottom falling out of her universe. And the parents might not even be aware of how she's taking it. She needs support and respect to get through this, not rules. Whatever rules you do put down, she really needs to understand that you're coming from the position that you're trying to protect her. It's all too easy for teens to feel they're being punished when their parents start tossing rules around.

[Impish]

I would not go against your dh. I think he is wise here. If dd wanted to write him a short note, I think that might help her with a sense of closure. As far as future contact, I would say "no" now (because of concern with recidivism) but leave things open in the future to change your mind.

 

One thing I am getting from your post is high drama. This is to be expected from teens and dating. However. to say that her homecoming is "ruined" only adds to her drama. It elevates the importance of this event beyond what is reasonable. Acknowledge and honor her feelings, but don't give them more merit than they are worth. This is a crush of a freshman in high school, not the broken heart of someone dumped after a long-term relationship. It is homecoming, not a marriage. Help her learn perspective, don't get sucked into her micro-focused world, but help draw her out to see the bigger picture.

 

I agree that there is probably a whole lot more going on here than an impulsive one-time stupid mistake. Not many parents/guardians would go so far as to turn a child in to the school for a first time offense, knowing that schools take a zero tolerance stance on drugs so expulsion is the likely outcome. That move alone was profoundly life altering for a kid, in that it impacts his education and criminal record in ways that can't be undone. A more typical reaction to a first time would be to schedule the teen with a counselor, seek out help from other parents online, change schools, residential treatment if substance abuse is suspected, etc.

 

I agree with the posters that say this is way too much drama for you and your family to get sucked into.

And I agree that there is most likely a LOT more to the story than you know.

 

"Reform School"? Or residential treatment?

 

Let me tell you as a parent who has walked that long, long road--NO residential treatment or reform school will take a first-time offender. It's a last resort, not a first line of treatment.

 

I'd be telling my girl that it may be hard to bear, but this is to SAVE that kid, not mess up his life. He's a drug dealer. You do not want your child messing around in that world, with its skewed outlook.

 

Sorry her date was ruined. More sorry the attitude seems that the kid is being unjustly punished when the uncle is trying to help him.

:iagree: with all of the above.

[dangermom]

I'm another who thinks it would be both closure for her and a possible help to the boy for them to be able to say goodbye.

[elfgivas]

did i miss it? was it your daughter who asked to say goodbye, or you who suggested it?

[kahlanne]

My daughter actually was the one who wanted to say goodbye.

 

Oh, and she spoke to his sister (actually cousin but calls her sister) and she said that he gave them trouble when he first moved in years ago back in early middle school but there hasn't been any issues lately. She said she was suprised. Her dad doesn't want him to go down the wrong path that his parents took so he is trying to stop it early.

[Joanne]

He's a young, currently acting stupid, immature young boy with issues. He's not less a *human being* and *child*. Remember also that he was selling those drugs to peers - children buying them. They are ALL vulnerable and at risk.

 

I personally think your DH is unkind in this regard and off base. Always tainted? That's a pretty dismall prognosis.

 

From a psychological standpoint, your dd cares for him and his future and is seeking some kind of closure she has power over. I can't see a downside to a simple "good bye for now and get better, ok?" supervised goodbye. Why on earth would a person deny that?

 

This young man needs prayer, structure, stability, care, consequences AND grace.

 

I'm sorry about your dd's homecoming.