Do you have an "intense" child?

[Corraleno]

Thank you for saying this, you two! My intense child responds to kindness and calm. Dc is *extremely* emotionally intense. We have had to model the fact that not everything is a big honking deal. It's not a big deal if people get mad as long as they do not harm each other, or hurt feelings etc. As they years go by, the child has seen that big emotions pass, that being angry, sad etc is a normal part of being human. Appropriate actions matter and there are ways to express frustration that are not harmful. That means, a door closed 'strongly' lol is a better reaction than unkind or harsh words. Dc is a joy, but I think would have been really messed up and angry if we had tried to break or punished constantly for inconsequential behavior. I am on the other side of this hill now, and I believe that out parental patience, and our normalizing normal emotion for this child has paid off in a big way so far.

:iagree:

Modeling appropriate responses to anger and frustration is much more effective than punishing responses they often can't really control. Punishment not only adds fuel to a fire that's already out of control, it fails to show them that there really is another way to deal with their emotions. My DS is very quick to apologize if he loses it or slams a door or says something unkind to his sister, because he's grown up seeing me apologize when I lose it.

 

I think when a parent punishes because they simply "lost it" themselves in response to the child, that just reinforces the child's fear that the whole world is just as chaotic and out of control as their internal emotions — which is likely to make them even more insecure, upset, and controlling. Even as a child I could see the absurdity in my mother losing it and beating the crap out of my brother or me as punishment for us losing it. It certainly didn't teach me to "respect" my mother, as she hoped — it just taught me that she had even less self-control than I did, and I needed to grow up and get the h*ll out of there as quickly as possible.

 

Jackie

[J'etudie]

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[Mom-ninja.]

I don't have to ask--I know. Mine is a huge lesson in humility. My first was so easy I thought I did everything right and the rest of the world must have done something wrong. God must have laughed when he gave me child #2--"See what you can do with this one!" I was eating humble pie very early on in his young life.

 

 

 

Ah, yes. This is why. I eat a slice every day.

[kamom]

Our oldest!

[robsiew]

Oh Yes! My last blog post reflects that! My intense child is actually our third. He is over the top in EVERYTHING! I'm just figuring out that the fall is his most difficult time of year.

 

He's always been "more" of everything... from the time he came out of the womb! After doing some reading I'm pretty sure he's got some sensory issues and I would even venture to guess a case could be made for mild autism.... at this point though we are not having him assessed. If he's assessed or not... we still have to learn to deal with him (and he with us!). He's as smart as a whip, has a memory that I'd kill for.... but, he's like 20 kids all wrapped up in one!

 

The good days are great... the bad days are horrid! If nothing else, you can see there are many of us all in the same boat!:grouphug:

[robsiew]

Oldest ds (8) has been intense since birth. For example, he cried/screamed before falling asleep for 30-45 minutes, every time with me holding and rocking him, and then screamed for another 45 minutes after awakening. This lasted his entire first year and the crying/screaming upon awakening lasted until he gave up naps.

 

The Explosive Child gave us very practical tools for teaching him to self-regulate in situations where his cognitive inflexibility was an issue. Although, I admit, I felt like someone joining AA when I ordered the book. Hello, my name is...and my son flies into a rage several times a day because I asked him to do something and it wasn't what he thought was happening next.

 

He is also immature emotionally, imo. It has been a long road to this point, and we still have many issues to work through. He is quiet and well-behaved in public, was an early reader, and wants to talk to adults about everything he has read. No one would believe what it was like at home, except my poor mother who listened to me sob out every detail along the way.

 

I may have to read this! Your last paragraph is very much like my son. He is a perfect (albeit somewhat intense) angel in public. His Sunday school teachers, even though they are friends of mine, don't believe me when I tell them what we deal with at home. He's really good at AWANA too, or anywhere he's not with me! Don't take the kid to the zoo though! Every time we went the year we had a membership he had a complete meltdown somewhere along the way ! Talk about "judgment". I got lots of looks as I tried to prod my screaming bloody murder child up off the zoo ground where he plopped himself and refused to move! Once they are big you can't just up and carry them away! :001_huh:

[Gratia271]

mine needs a list with appropriate consequences. It takes out the emotion..."hmmm.you disobeyed, well according to the chart you owe me a load of laundry, folded. Have fun."

Thanks! I will try that. I can see how that would lessen the intense reaction.

[Mommyfaithe]

My oldest dd is an amazing kid; smart, funny, generous....but she is incredibly driven. She can be hard to be around at times, because she is sure she is right about everything. She is fun when everything is going her way, but is generally explosive when dealing with frustration. She gets on tangents where one thing is all she can think about, and she will puzzle out a situation till she has it whipped.

 

 

 

I've described some things that my dd does to some of my friends and some of them look at me like I'm nuts. They cannot believe some of the over the top behaviors we've had to manage. But I do have one friend whose daughter is alot like mine and she totally gets it.

 

I don't think that many parents are raising a kid like this.

 

Any one else out there with an intense kid? Do people misunderstand you? Is it hard to find support?

 

(By the way, my kid is perfectly normal in her interactions with others. She does not have any mental or social disorders and my dh is VERY normal and was the SAME way growing up)

 

Yes, I have 4 of them. My oldest and youngest by far the MOST intense. The other 2 are somewhat intense but manageable.

 

~~Faithe

[Dandelion]

I have one of those. It hard to be her mother, especially since I don't know how it feels. I was "an angel" as a child so it is hard to understand those outbursts. I think we have found understanding now, but it took some time to realize that what often works with other children, will not work with her.

 

Same here!! My DS (7) is an extremely intense child, in all respects. I've read the "Raising Your Spirited Child" books, and he is at the top of the "spirited" continuum in all but one or two of the characteristics. I was also "an angel" (per my mother) and I just don't get why he acts the way he does...

 

 

 

Do people misunderstand you? Is it hard to find support?

 

 

 

Yes!!

 

I have left so many friend's homes, playdates, playgrounds, restaurants, stores, etc. because of DS's intensity and outbursts over one thing or another. I have endured many nasty looks from other parents as well as tons of unsolicited advice from (more or less) well-meaning people. It has been incredibly frustrating and I've often felt like we're the only parents raising a child like this. So I really appreciate this thread!!

 

We knew early on that he was somehow more intense than other kids, but it didn't really start to get difficult until around age 2. These last five years have been incredibly difficult, but the more we educate ourselves and adjust our way of interacting with him, the better things get. He is an amazing, loving, highly intelligent and most unusually quirky kid - and I know that if we can just channel all this intensity he is going to have an incredible life!

 

It took us 5 years to muster up the courage to have another child after DS... DD2 is the sweetest and most easy child to raise. I'm sure some people might find her challenging (she's a typical 2yo), but after DS, any child would be EASY-PEASY!! In a way, it's a relief, because my DH and I finally get to experience what parenting a typical child is like (who knew??)... :)

[Gratia271]

(1) I picked my battles very carefully, and let go of everything that didn't really matter. So what if he was wearing a pajama top to the grocery store instead of a shirt, kwim?

 

I will try to pay closer attention to this. I need to do a better job here.

 

 

(2) Never tell a child like this that they're being ridiculous, getting upset over nothing, etc. It may seem ridiculous to someone else, but a lot of these "silly little things" really are a big deal to hypersensitive kids. And I think a lot of that (obsessing over little things) arises because the kids feel like they don't have a lot of control over their emotions. It's just as scary to them when they "lose it" as it is annoying to parents. So they can be very very controlling about what they eat, what they wear, what they have to do when, etc., because that's really all they can control. It's their attempt to bring a bit of order and control to what feels like a very chaotic and overwhelming world.

 

Is there anything I can do to help her realize that her world is not out of control, or is this just how she is wired? I have given all of my children a lot of latitude in making their own choices, but she really wants to control everything.

 

(3) I compromised wherever possible — letting DS have a say in what he wore, what he ate, what he did when, etc. made a big difference. People who don't have intense kids will tell you this is a huge mistake, don't "cater" to them or you'll have spoiled brats, etc. Don't listen to them. ;)

 

:001_smile: Been there.

 

(4) When it was a case where he just had to do it my way, I explained my reasons and told him I understood how he felt and was sorry, but he would have to do what I asked. Knowing that I had heard and considered his feelings, and that I sympathized with him, helped a little when he was younger and has helped a LOT now that he's older. It took a lot more time and effort to negotiate and explain everything when he was little, but it has paid big dividends in the long term. Now that he's 12, we have a lot of discussions but no arguments, no defiance, no rebellion. And this is in spite of ADD/SPD/anxiety/giftedness, and a host of other issues.

 

This has worked with my older dd. I tend to explain everything and let their feelings/thoughts be voiced, but I probably have not done it enough with my younger dd.

 

(5) Don't take it personally. Some parents (including mine) take every argument or question from intense/willful kids as a personal challenge to their authority, and it's not personal. It's just how they (we) interact with the world, and as I mentioned in #2, I believe it's a coping mechanism to help them feel more in control because their emotions are so intense and overwhelming. Fighting back, trying to "break their spirit" just turns the parent into the enemy and then it will eventually become personal.

 

I like my children to question things and to banter back and forth with me about things, but I have taken her push back personally. To me, giving and receiving respect is crucial to a good relationship. Since I have given her respect and allowed her a lot of latitude in decisions, I have come to view her push back as rebellion against me. I have no desire to break her spirit, God forbid, but she needs to know that not everything is negotiable. I will try to re-frame my thinking here in terms of not making it personal.

 

 

(6) Try not to lose it, and apologize if you do, because they do take it personally. Most of the time when parents lose it, it's over the child just being who they are (intense, hypersensitive, argumentative, etc.) rather than over something they did, and they will take the anger and criticism as a condemnation of who they are. It's important to correct that assumption, so they know that you do love them just as they are, even if their behavior drives you batty sometimes.

 

I do get angry and lose it, and I do apologize. But I need to be a better example for her here. I also construe anger as condemnation of me, so I should know better than to react that way. It just gets so exasperating.

 

I was an intense/willful child myself, and my mother tried to beat it out of me, followed by trying to humiliate me and tell me what a horrible, unlovable person I was because I always asked for a reason and argued my case instead of blindly obeying. In a twisted sort of way that turned out to be a gift, because I learned from her everything NOT to do with an intense/willful child, and as a result I have a wonderful close relationship with my son, whereas I no longer speak to my mother. :glare:

 

I am one who questions by nature also, and all three of my children are like me in that regard. I wouldn't want them any other way. I guess with my dd, her arguing just seems senseless because it revolves around her having to be right and having to be in control all the time.

[Hockey Mom]

Yes! DS7 is my intense child!

[bluemongoose]

Yep, I have one too! DD is my intense child. I often feel very very tired:closedeyes:. Like today...

[zaichiki]

To me intensity isn't about misbehavior. My kids are pretty compliant. Intensity is about how they approach the world.

 

In our family the intensity is different for each child. Three of my four are intense.

 

Oldest is super happy, super sad, super mad, super shy, super talkative, or super frustrated. He gets super into things and has certain "pet" topics where he just loses himself in the details. When he plays, he plays hard. When he concentrates (works), he works hard. When he judges himself, he's hard on himself. (He's also hard on others. Sigh.) He is *always* moving unless he is reading (then he's lost in a the book). As a friend, he is super loyal.

 

Second child is totally into her "pet" topics as well. Her focus is like a laser beam, but she doesn't get lost and is easily interrupted when we need her attention. Dedicated? It's her middle name! She'll persevere through *anything* even when she's not really interested in the outcome. She's the drama queen, though, and will throw herself on the floor when she's tired or upset. She's got that high-pitched whiny voice when she's emotional about something. I can *always* discover which room she's in when I'm in the hallway of a large building: her laugh is the loudest in any group. She was an easy baby, but she has always had a very strong opinion (used to argue with me about which dress she wanted to wear when she was 12 months old!).

 

My third is laid back. He is easily distracted from emotional upset and will listen to me even when he's upset. He doesn't get upset easily. He'll compromise. He's always happy to tag along. I think he might be a "pleaser."

 

Youngest is very sensitive. She's the "little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead and when she was good she was very, very good and when she was bad she was HORRID." She has a very strong startle and jumps at loud and surprising noises, needing prompt attention in order to calm down again. She's picky about everything. I think she may end up with anxiety issues (everything seems to make her nervous and she wants to be held ALL the time).

 

I'm *sure* my first and last are intense. Without a doubt. They're exhausting! (But their love is also intense. I wouldn't part with them for anything.)

[laundrycrisis]

I have two of them.

 

:banghead: :chillpill:

[mom2att]

Bless you all who have more than one, or who have an intense child who is the oldest. We would have an only child if my intense one had been first.

 

And to those of you reading this thread who have not yet found "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene, it is definitely a must read. I almost dropped the book when I read in it about a child who would frequently burst out with "You're fired" to his family. I thought we were the only ones who lost our jobs every day, "fired" by our own child . . . the whole book was just an eye-opener and a little window into his world.

 

Mine's 10 now, and things are a whole lot better than they were when he was younger, but it's always something. This year it's negativity--I hate this, do you know what I don't like about that, I never want to . . . we're working on finding the positives in things. I think I need to take my own advice and read the book again!

[Nestof3]

:iagree: I agree with everything you have said. I think it has been hard parenting intense children because I am so intense. I have been working on this like crazy.

 

:iagree:

Modeling appropriate responses to anger and frustration is much more effective than punishing responses they often can't really control. Punishment not only adds fuel to a fire that's already out of control, it fails to show them that there really is another way to deal with their emotions. My DS is very quick to apologize if he loses it or slams a door or says something unkind to his sister, because he's grown up seeing me apologize when I lose it.

 

I think when a parent punishes because they simply "lost it" themselves in response to the child, that just reinforces the child's fear that the whole world is just as chaotic and out of control as their internal emotions — which is likely to make them even more insecure, upset, and controlling. Even as a child I could see the absurdity in my mother losing it and beating the crap out of my brother or me as punishment for us losing it. It certainly didn't teach me to "respect" my mother, as she hoped — it just taught me that she had even less self-control than I did, and I needed to grow up and get the h*ll out of there as quickly as possible.

 

Jackie

[justamouse]

I have three intense kids, and the rest range from totally laid back to not as intense. Dh and I are pretty intense ourselves.

 

Knowing what battles to pick, and how to diffuse situations have been the biggest tools in my arsenal.

 

The quietly intense ones are the worst, I think (that's my Dh). I can handle explosive outbursts, but when the explosives are focused INWARD-that's where I had to learn to attack the flanks and draw out, use humor and I just harped on one and wore her down smooth. Now, if I harped on the other? He would *freak*. Daughter could take the harping. Not the other one. It's hard learning how to deal with each one. Dh deals best with the other one, though he is the most sensitive (percieves and internalizes everythign), like me. Well, I guess that makes sense, Dh is good with me. The third is intense and will lash out ways that I do't quite understand, yet. Then I have these two happy go lucky, smile all day, yellow is their favorite color and they never met a person they didn't like. Clearly, God is merciful. :001_smile:

 

What Corraleno said is perfect, yup. I got punished for it and it was horrible. I can't do that to them.

 

re: harped-she is a perfectionist to the point of paralyzation with an internal monologue telling herself how she is horrible at everything. I had to constantly show her my failures, my shortcomings, how I still tried and NOTHING is ever perfect yet we do the best we can and try harder next time. All day, every day until the lesson sunk in. I harped.

Edited September 23, 2010 by justamouse

[fairfarmhand]

I don't know how all of you with more than one intense kid can manage. Just dealing with my oldest dd and my dh is exhausting....

[bluemongoose]

I don't know how all of you with more than one intense kid can manage. Just dealing with my oldest dd and my dh is exhausting....

 

:iagree: This is my family too! Only, I am not done having kids, so I could end up with a few more intense ones! Now I am scared:lol:.

[Giraffe]

Bless you all who have more than one, or who have an intense child who is the oldest. We would have an only child if my intense one had been first.

 

I think this is why DD IS an only child!! :tongue_smilie:

 

And to those of you reading this thread who have not yet found "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene, it is definitely a must read. I almost dropped the book when I read in it about a child who would frequently burst out with "You're fired" to his family. I thought we were the only ones who lost our jobs every day, "fired" by our own child . . . the whole book was just an eye-opener and a little window into his world.

 

Mine's 10 now, and things are a whole lot better than they were when he was younger, but it's always something. This year it's negativity--I hate this, do you know what I don't like about that, I never want to . . . we're working on finding the positives in things. I think I need to take my own advice and read the book again!

 

I can't wait to read this book.

[DragonflyAcademy]

Yes.. my oldest is VERY intense.. my youngest is slightly intense..

 

It's hard and many days I feel very isolated...although it has gotten better as my oldest has gotten older..

 

I Read Explosive Child many years ago, even took a class.. It did help a bit.. but with DS nothing helps "all the time" He also has issues with non verbal cues.. facial expressions.. body language.. he doesn't "Read" them properly.. which makes it hard for him to relate to other kids.. :(

Edited September 23, 2010 by ChantyD3

[laughing lioness]

Yes. The one most like me. I like to think of us as "passionate.";)

I skimmed "The Explosive Child" and this does not, in any way, describe what I mean by "intense."

[LibraryLover]

My oldest was a breeze. He's why I had more kids. lol If my intense child had been my first, we might not have had so many. lol

[laundrycrisis]

These are books I have read....they might help someone:

 

Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

 

Living With the Active Alert Child: Groundbreaking Strategies for Parents by Linda S. Budd

 

The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W. Greene

 

Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley

 

Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries by Robert J. Mac Kenzie

 

Living With Intensity: Understanding the Sensitivity, Excitability, and the Emotional Development of Gifted Children, Adolescents, and Adults by Susan Daniels and Michael M. Piechowski

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Catherine]

My oldest-it was apparent on the day he was born, literally, when he nursed for 4 1\2 hours nonstop. I was exhausted, having already just had my first sleepless night, giving birth to him. When I told the nurse he I couldn't put him down, she looked at me like I was insane. I detached him, he started crying, and she just plopped him in the plastic cradle and I fell asleep instantly. Maybe that kind of nursing is normal, but my other kids sure didn't do it. We had daily marathon sessions like that for months.

 

He's never been an angry intense kid with tantrums, he's a driven intense kid who will just stop at nothing when he decides he wants to do something. His entire life he's had this series of "obsessions" of things he's mastering-some have been Rubik's cube solving and juggling but even normal development like walking I remember he approached with a drive that seemed obsessional-and he walked when he was barely 9 months old. He's also always had this "mini-adult" demeanor that surprised people.

 

Like many very intense people, my son, who's now 17, is very bright. My other two are so different, just more childlike, emotional, easily frustrated, like normal children.

[Donna]

To me intensity isn't about misbehavior. My kids are pretty compliant. Intensity is about how they approach the world.

 

I have a very intense child but she is generally very well behaved and tends to act more mature than kids much older than she is. She is, however, exhausting. Always on the go...creating things, learning things, reading about something, coming up with ideas she needs to share, wanting to help me do whatever I am doing, and practicing, often to the point of obsession at times, anything she decides she wants to learn.

 

She is extremely outgoing and social while I tend to be more introverted. She constantly has a collection of papers she is writing and projects she is working on which is difficult for the neat freak in me. She has changed me in good ways and I have moderated her a bit. I know this is who she is and love her intensity and drive. I am determined to never put her in school because I don't want that love of learning and creating driven out of her.

 

We do have our "battles" but it is generally because I am setting limits by not letting her do something she has decided she wants to do.