To comment or not to comment? Special needs, politeness, standing up... what to do?

[specialmama]

My older cousin, whom I adore, has a wacky sense of humour. We get along great but she lives far away so we only see each other once every 5 years or so. Facebook has really helped much of our family stay in touch, and for that I am thankful. She's always putting goofy comments up or funny pictures and I generally laugh with her. It is important to note that I'm a peacekeeper type of person.

 

However, there have been a sprinkling of times where either her or her friends take an idea and spin with it to the point where I am tempted to write something on her wall, but don't want to appear out of line or like a killjoy. The last time this happened, it was some stupid comment about being "retarded" and having to take the little yellow bus and lick the windows.

 

This grieves me terribly because my son has special needs and does take a little yellow bus. My eyes are watering here. Anyways, this is what is on her wall now:

 

cousin's status update: I am unsupervised. This alone should scare you.

friend comment: Did they put your helmet on? LOL

another friend comment: not even a straight jacket, huh?

another friend comment: oh no, lock away all the sharp objects, alcohol and car keys!

 

Am I being too sensitive here? I just have a strong urge to write: way to make fun of handicapped people.

I'm just holding myself back. Seems like the polite thing to do. I honestly just wish I hadn't seen it. *sigh*

What would you do? Remember, I'm a peacekeeper, but I love my boy and want to be on the underdog's team. Helllppp....

[NanceXToo]

I don't think you should comment publicly on her facebook page because it might just start drama or put her in an awkward position "in front of" her friends.

 

But I also don't think you should just let this fester.

 

You could nicely and privately contact her separately, in whatever way you decide to do so, and say to her, "wow, some of your friends really hurt my feelings when I saw that they were making fun of handicapped people on your facebook page, being as my son is handicapped. I wish people wouldn't joke around like that so easily."

 

If you want to be a peacekeeper, that will give her the hint that it hurt you, that you're not blaming her, and that maybe next time she should put a stop to it or delete it.

[OnTheBrink]

I'd message her privately and tell her how her comments have hurt your feelings. I'm betting she's not even making the connection between her silliness and your child.

[Snickerdoodle]

Well, I would email her privately and absolutely be direct but kind. I would not post anything passive aggressive on the facebook.

 

You can say something like, "I realize you're joking around with your friends on facebook but just so you know, your words can be very hurtful. Please take into consideration those who may be reading your blog."

[RamonaQ]

I would probably send her an email, or even call her if you have that relationship, and much like what you said above, share your heart, and let her know that it hurts you. I think that gives her the opportunity, in private, to change. I guess the alternative is to post a public "This is upsetting to me", but I just think facebook can be a large, weird anonymous situation that is far different than a personal conversation.

[3littlekeets]

Would you step in if your cousin was making racist jokes? Or using racial epithets? Of course!

 

I always nicely send the person a note and tell her or him that I know they don't think what they are doing is offensive, but that it is truly hurtful, and why. I often attach this

, which gets the point across better than I ever could!

 

My daughter has Nondisjunction Trisomy 21, better known as Down syndrome. I also use my facebook page to regular post updates on the R word campaign and out shows and politicians nailed for using the R word incorrectly. A few people have responded that I'm too sensitive, but most realized that they use the word without thinking about its origins or effects.

 

Huge HUGS! And follow your heart. If your cousin cares, she'll at least think about your feelings and not dismiss them out of hand. :grouphug:

[specialmama]

Thank you to all who responded. I'm going to chill for a bit and then PM her. I don't know why I never thought of that course of action LOL, but ya'll ROCK and I thank you for helping me think through this. 3keets: I love that video and will send it along as well. Thank you!

[Sahamamama]

I haven't read the other responses. If it were me, I would STOP READING my cousin's blog/FB. Just stop going there. Just stop reading.... Why go where pain is inflicted?

 

There are so many wonderful things about your son, and you know what they are. Why go where complete strangers and a cousin you hardly ever see are being ignorant, rude, and borish? Why voluntarily go where you have to either be hurt or defend him, or both?

 

So stop. Then, if she asks you via email or phone, "Where did you go?" you can respond to her privately that you it was painful for you to visit her site. Be sure to tell her WHY. :glare:

 

FWIW, I can not actually imagine wanting to be friends with people who post/allow those types of comments. I would having nothing to do with them. Just my two cents.

[Lolly]

I think it depends on exactly what is written. With the example you gave of what is on her wall right now, I would say you are being overly sensitive. Other times, it would just depend.

[specialmama]

I haven't read the other responses. If it were me, I would STOP READING my cousin's blog/FB. Just stop going there. Just stop reading.... Why go where pain is inflicted?

 

There are so many wonderful things about your son, and you know what they are. Why go where complete strangers and a cousin you hardly ever see are being ignorant, rude, and borish? Why voluntarily go where you have to either be hurt or defend him, or both?

 

So stop. Then, if she asks you via email or phone, "Where did you go?" you can respond to her privately that you it was painful for you to visit her site. Be sure to tell her WHY. :glare:

 

FWIW, I can not actually imagine wanting to be friends with people who post/allow those types of comments. I would having nothing to do with them. Just my two cents.

 

I understand what you're saying. But her comment was fine, it was just spun out of control by people she knows. I would have turned the conversation to something like "oh oh, what kind of trouble are you up to? Where is the chocolate?" :lol: And having nothing to do with them, well, they're not my friends, but yes, my cousin is allowing it. Funny though, as she is a teacher to deaf children. I do like the idea of PMing her and perhaps she will become aware of how hurtful this is and I bet she will take a better stand. She's a great gal and (I think) would feel terrible if she knew how upsetting this was. I'm willing to give her a chance. Peacekeeper, that's my word for the day :lol:

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[specialmama]

I think it depends on exactly what is written. With the example you gave of what is on her wall right now, I would say you are being overly sensitive. Other times, it would just depend.

 

See, that's what I'm thinking... hormones, no coffee... I will PM later and let ya'll know what happens...

[EKS]

You can also just hide her posts on your facebook. That way you're still friends with her but you don't have to read this stuff.

[LauraGB]

Unfortunately, only about 1 in 5 adults I know actually understand how hurtful and ignorant it is to say things like that (and I work in this field). My sister is handicapped, and she *did* wear a helmet for several years (so she didn't fall and smash her head open like a pumpkin during a surprise seizure) and she *did* take the little yellow bus to a "special" school, so I've had years to be hurt, then to seethe with anger and then just feel sorry for the idiots who just don't have any compassion.

 

In your case, I wonder - is it your cousin saying the really rude things? If so, I would gently remind her she has family members she's disregarding with statements like that. If it is primarily her friends, I would wait for a better, more clear opportunity to post something than what's up there now. (I would choose to comment on something as abrasive as the bus comment)

 

But I wouldn't be able to help myself in the future. What's up there now is not worth commenting on, imo.

 

Oh, and :grouphug: - I am constantly amazed at how stupid people can be.

[fhjmom]

Am I being too sensitive here? I just have a strong urge to write: way to make fun of handicapped people.

I'm just holding myself back. Seems like the polite thing to do. I honestly just wish I hadn't seen it. *sigh*

What would you do? Remember, I'm a peacekeeper, but I love my boy and want to be on the underdog's team. Helllppp....

 

I find it very ironic that you yourself used terminology in your post that could be considered outdated and insensitive. Those advocating for the use of People-First language would take offense at the use of the term "handicapped people". I will be honest and say is a term that ruffles my feathers. I am not handicapped, but I am a person with a profound hearing loss. I usually let insensitive comments roll off but gently educate when appropriate. I hope you will understasnd why I saw this as an exapmle of the second situation.

 

To answer the question addressed in the OP, the use of the word "retarded" is something I might respond to by PM. The other exchange you posted would make me roll my eyes, but more than that would be an over-reaction, IMHO.

[LauraGB]

I find it very ironic that you yourself used terminology in your post that could be considered outdated and insensitive. Those advocating for the use of People-First language would take offense at the use of the term "handicapped people". I will be honest and say is a term that ruffles my feathers. I am not handicapped, but I am a person with a profound hearing loss. I usually let insensitive comments roll off but gently educate when appropriate. I hope you will understasnd why I saw this as an exapmle of the second situation.

 

 

But the difference, which I'm sure is why you let it roll off, is that OP didn't mean it to be rude or condescending. Let's face it, it is nearly impossible to keep up with what's pc. I'm not even sure what to call our "residents" anymore - over the last 10 years its gone from "residents" to "clients" to "consumers" :confused: ... I give up. The meaning of the words used is directly related to the user's intent. I would easily forgive a person who used "retarded" if I thought they didn't know a better word and was certain they were not using it in a hurtful way, even though I absolutely hate that word used in conjunction with a person.

[3littlekeets]

But the difference, which I'm sure is why you let it roll off, is that OP didn't mean it to be rude or condescending. Let's face it, it is nearly impossible to keep up with what's pc. I'm not even sure what to call our "residents" anymore - over the last 10 years its gone from "residents" to "clients" to "consumers" :confused: ... I give up. The meaning of the words used is directly related to the user's intent. I would easily forgive a person who used "retarded" if I thought they didn't know a better word and was certain they were not using it in a hurtful way, even though I absolutely hate that word used in conjunction with a person.

 

I can easily forgive the use of the word "retarded" if used as an "appropriate descriptor, but I certainly will work to educate that the preferred term is cognitive or intellectual disability :).

 

When used as a slur or epithet, I try to educate, but generally with a bit more force ;).

 

You are right, the OP wasn't trying to be offensive, but on the other hand, although the average person may not be abreast of appropriate terminology, advocates and self-advocates are typically more in-tune with the terms preferred by their disability advocacy groups.

 

When Sarah Palin first had Trig she referred to him as a "Down syndrome" baby and it really upset a lot of people!!! As a new mom, I cut her serious slack! How could/should she have known??? Now, however, as an advocate/parent, that kind of error would be totally unacceptable, kwim?

 

In some circles, like Autism, though, people-first language is not part of the culture. So, yes, it can be hard for a non-invested person to track :iagree:. The best we can do is keep an open mind and strive to communicate openly and honestly, and continuously look for ways to improve our relationships with others. If we offend, then don't make the same mistake twice :).

[ktgrok]

How about waiting a day or two and then posting something on your wall about how hurtful these kinds of jokes can be? Then it isn't aimed at her in particular. Maybe even put that video up.

[Dobela]

 

How about waiting a day or two and then posting something on your wall about how hurtful these kinds of jokes can be? Then it isn't aimed at her in particular. Maybe even put that video up.

:iagree:

[LauraGB]

I can easily forgive the use of the word "retarded" if used as an "appropriate descriptor, but I certainly will work to educate that the preferred term is cognitive or intellectual disability :).

 

When used as a slur or epithet, I try to educate, but generally with a bit more force ;).

.

 

:iagree: And I do the same, but the older I get, the more I look at the individual delivering the words. Most of the time, they get a "gentle correction" because I'm so overly sensitive to the word. But other times they get an earful.

 

So, yes, it can be hard for a non-invested person to track :iagree:.

 

I am invested - my entire life. I just can't keep all the changes in what's acceptable straight. For the longest time I used "healthy" vs "unhealthy" because that's what the doctors would use. But I haven't seen that the norm for over 20 years, and it's obvious why. I guess my point is that so many people try to be gentle, but the "norm" keeps changing. However, in the case of the OP, those words and descriptions weren't being used as "gentle", rather they were having a laugh at the expense of others who have been dealt a much more difficult hand in life than they received. And that's what sucks.

[H.S. Burrow]

I understand what you're saying. But her comment was fine, it was just spun out of control by people she knows. I would have turned the conversation to something like "oh oh, what kind of trouble are you up to? Where is the chocolate?" :lol: And having nothing to do with them, well, they're not my friends, but yes, my cousin is allowing it. Funny though, as she is a teacher to deaf children. I do like the idea of PMing her and perhaps she will become aware of how hurtful this is and I bet she will take a better stand. She's a great gal and (I think) would feel terrible if she knew how upsetting this was. I'm willing to give her a chance. Peacekeeper, that's my word for the day :lol:

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

 

:grouphug: You can't control what her friends comment. For something that *she* posts/comments, then I would send her a private message letting her know how her comment hurt you.

[angela in ohio]

I don't think you should comment publicly on her facebook page because it might just start drama or put her in an awkward position "in front of" her friends.

 

But I also don't think you should just let this fester.

 

You could nicely and privately contact her separately, in whatever way you decide to do so, and say to her, "wow, some of your friends really hurt my feelings when I saw that they were making fun of handicapped people on your facebook page, being as my son is handicapped. I wish people wouldn't joke around like that so easily."

 

If you want to be a peacekeeper, that will give her the hint that it hurt you, that you're not blaming her, and that maybe next time she should put a stop to it or delete it.

 

Absolutely right.

[NanceXToo]

I do not think of the word "handicapped" as being offensive. Nor do I think of the word "retarded" as being offensive (coming from the mother of a daughter who has had mild to moderate retardation her whole life). And regardless of what word or phrase people are using, it's intent that counts, as far as I am concerned, rather than which word happens to be PC at the moment. (Which I confess I can't keep up with either, I'm often surprised to hear what offends people).

 

Making jokes about retarded people licking windows and riding a short bus is just nasty, ignorant, potentially hurtful, and offensive. That bugs me, too! As does calling someone a "retard" in a way that's meant to be an insult.

 

But people just don't think.

[keptwoman]

:grouphug: You can't control what her friends comment. For something that *she* posts/comments, then I would send her a private message letting her know how her comment hurt you.

I agree. If it's her friends rather than her, then there is no benefit in PMing her. Just don't read it.

[TravelingChris]

I am lost with all the ways the words change. What is wrong with calling Trig a Down Syndrome baby- I thought that was more appropriate than the older Mongoloid Baby. Same with handicapped- we call them handicapped plates or passes, don't we? Retarded can be bad or good depending on what is said around it. Mentally retarted sounds accurate and not bad to me. Calling someone a retard, on the other hand, is hurtful. Are the words blind and deaf also bad?

[3littlekeets]

I am lost with all the ways the words change. What is wrong with calling Trig a Down Syndrome baby- I thought that was more appropriate than the older Mongoloid Baby. Same with handicapped- we call them handicapped plates or passes, don't we? Retarded can be bad or good depending on what is said around it. Mentally retarted sounds accurate and not bad to me. Calling someone a retard, on the other hand, is hurtful. Are the words blind and deaf also bad?

 

 

It is about Person First Language and the articles I linked by Kathie Snow are far more persuasive and explanatory than I could ever be. The bottom line is that Trig is first and foremost a baby. By highlighting his diagnosis first, people are led to believe his diagnosis is the primary defining factor of his existence. There are plenty of social scientific studies that demonstrate that words DO matter and that language shapes peoples perceptions. :001_smile:

 

The word "retarded" has been used as a slur for so long now, that it is nearly impossible for any of us to have a "neutral" attitude toward it, despite the fact that it was once simply a medical descriptor. Certainly one day "intellectual disability" may suffer the same fate -- and a new word will be needed, but that is the beauty of language, it can change and grow as we need it to :grouphug:. By then, however, I hope people will realize that using slurs about People with disabilities is as inappropriate as racist jokes -- and then the terms won't need to keep changing as rapidly.

 

In fact, the new term for "handicapped parking" is actually "accessible parking" because that is more descriptive -- it is ACCESSIBLE for people who need access :001_smile:, not designed for people who are somehow at a disadvantage. It is all about perspective and worldview...like flipping a map of North and South America Upside Down. Who says NA NEEDS to be on top? What makes disability inherently "bad," or "unnatural" rather than requiring different accommodations?

 

Ahhhh, I did it again... I get so wrapped up in this topic because it means a great deal to me :D.

[Denisemomof4]

I don't think you should comment publicly on her facebook page because it might just start drama or put her in an awkward position "in front of" her friends.

 

But I also don't think you should just let this fester.

 

You could nicely and privately contact her separately, in whatever way you decide to do so, and say to her, "wow, some of your friends really hurt my feelings when I saw that they were making fun of handicapped people on your facebook page, being as my son is handicapped. I wish people wouldn't joke around like that so easily."

 

If you want to be a peacekeeper, that will give her the hint that it hurt you, that you're not blaming her, and that maybe next time she should put a stop to it or delete it.

:iagree:

 

:grouphug:

[angela in ohio]

I am lost with all the ways the words change. What is wrong with calling Trig a Down Syndrome baby- I thought that was more appropriate than the older Mongoloid Baby. Same with handicapped- we call them handicapped plates or passes, don't we? Retarded can be bad or good depending on what is said around it. Mentally retarted sounds accurate and not bad to me. Calling someone a retard, on the other hand, is hurtful. Are the words blind and deaf also bad?

 

As pp said, he's a baby with Down Syndrome. It doesn't define him, it is just one aspect.

 

I do think there is a WORLD of difference between saying "retarded" versus " handicapped people" and "Down Syndrome people." They are not comparable offenses at all. The average person means no offense by "handicapped people," as that was the polite term for a long, long time, but the term "retarded" is almost always used in a derogatory way.

 

The terms change frequently. Dh is a special education administrator (he works with a group of school districts to assure that they are providing the correct services for students with special needs.) It is a full-time job to keep up with what the "in" term is, and woe to the person who uses last year's term. ;) Again, that is completly different than using the word "retarded," though. I try to teach my dc carefully - man who uses a wheelchair, woman who has a visual impairment, etc. - but unless they are in the field, someday they will be using the wrong language, I'm sure. The most I can do is to train their intent.

 

Blind and deaf are out. The correct terms are visually impaired (VI) and hearing impaired (HI,) at least in our state. Deaf with a capital D still names the community of people who have hearing impairments.

 

I think some of the "new" terms actually sound worse. As a pp mentioned, for example, "consumers." The first time dh used that to describe those who use the community's mental health services, I had to raise an eyebrow. I think it is an odd term. "Clients" would be a more natural term, imho.