Going to visit family--anti-homeschool family--and may need some canned responses

[m0mmaBuck]

I pulled DS out of PS in January 2010 because the school didn't know what to do with him. He would finish his work early and was not happy doing extra worksheets or reading in the corner. He was even less happy still getting handed a packet of homework at the end of the day when he had spent 20 minutes out of each hour (teacher's estimate) sitting in the reading corner or doing busy work. When I approached the school, my options were to put him ahead a grade, leave him stagnate in the 2nd grade corner, or come in for 2 hrs each day to do my own enrichment with him (but put DD4 into daycare during that time since she couldn't be in the school). I chose to bring him home and HS him.

 

Flashforward to this summer where he tested into the 5th grade (should be going into 3rd) for everything but spelling (on track). The school told me I should either push him into 4th grade or keep him home again because they have no program to "deal" with him. He wants to HS again anyway and I'm at peace with the idea of HS'ing DS and DD indefinitely as long as it works for our family.

 

However, my family of teachers (all 3 brothers are teachers, SIL1 is a school speech pathologist, SIL2 is a preschool teacher, SIL3 is a school psychologist, 1 sister is a librarian, 2 nephews teach, 1 NIL teaches, 1 neice teaches, 1 neice is a librarian) does not support our decision to HS. I don't want to spend all of my time with them defending our decision or having DS quizzed by people checking to see if he is on track. I know HS'ing is going to come up and I would love to have some sort of statement that would put an end to it before it starts.

 

Ideas?

[Mynyel]

Personally? IF it was me I would make sure they knew it was off limits. If they quiz..tell them "You wouldn't quiz a PS student, don't quiz mine" Its ruse to quiz a child for a persons own satisfaction.

 

I also wouldn't put up with any derogatory remarks. I would say "The school would do nothing so I decided to do something, and that is that."

 

You are there for a visit not a debate on how your children are educated.

 

You can always go with "Works for us..pass the bean dip" Or whatever else.

 

But do not, under any circumstance, tolerate the quizzing. It isn't fair to the child at all.

[Cricket]

Just say you are doing what the public school asked you to do, homeschool! :)

 

Some people liked to quiz my kids too. My poor dc would freeze and just stare at them. I'd change the subject. They stopped quizzing rather quickly and now probably think my dc are way behind. Oh well.

[m0mmaBuck]

I guess I can always point out the fact that DS's 2nd grade teacher, who is touted as the best teacher in the school, HS's her own daughter because she is displeased with the education system to which she herself is forced to adhere. That should shut 'em up! :-)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've found that with my ds who is way ahead too, that people didn't feel the need to quiz him because as soon as he opened his mouth, they were having to ask him to explain what he's talking about.:lol:

 

But I do use the "His needs are being met at this time." canned response a lot.

[Ellie]

"Thanks for you concern, but we're happy with our decision. How about that rain we had last week?"

 

Keep making comments like this until they either get tired of it and drop it whole thing, or you have to be blunt: "This was our decision. We're happy with it. We don't wish to discuss it any longer. Please don't push us any more."

 

And do NOT let them quiz your ds, either!

[dirty ethel rackham]

I think it is time for Joanne's Bean Dip article, once again:). Part of what she talks about have already been said in this thread, but I like Joanne's emphasis on not just changing the subject, but enforcing boundaries.

 

ETA: I forgot to mention ... be prepared for some push-back and keep holding the line. People do not like changes in the dynamic of a relationship and will usually work toward the status quo. Hope your visit goes well. Even if this one is rife with tension, enforcing boundaries may make future visits more enjoyable.

[May]

How about "We made our decision and it's not open to debate or discussion." Great weather we're having isn't it.

[Harriet Vane]

I like what Ellie said and what Dirty Ethel Rackenham said. Pick a boundary-setting statement, and be prepared to repeat it a couple hundred times. Don't deviate from it; don't engage in debate. Just keep the subject closed.

[Catwoman]

I like what Ellie said and what Dirty Ethel Rackenham said. Pick a boundary-setting statement, and be prepared to repeat it a couple hundred times. Don't deviate from it; don't engage in debate. Just keep the subject closed.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Just because they're family doesn't give them the right to try to run your lives. Your decisions about your childrens' educations are exactly that -- your decisions. You don't tell your family members how to raise their children, or where they must live, or what kinds of jobs they must have, so it's incredibly nervy of them to assume that they have the right to tell you how to educate your own kids.

 

As you can probably guess, I'm the type who says something along the lines of, "I don't have anything against public or private schools, but homeschooling works very well for our family and we're sticking with it." And anyone who dares to question me beyond that is given a simple, stock line, which is, "I'm sorry, but this isn't open for discussion." (It helps if you add a somewhat snotty glare when you say it.) One person actually kept on talking after I said that, and I got annoyed and said, "Excuse me, but what part of 'this isn't open for discussion' did you not understand?" That did the trick.

 

Don't explain or make excuses -- that just gives people an opening to start presenting their opinions. Make it clear that you neither need nor want to hear what they have to say about it. Try to be polite at first, but also be firm.

 

And remember that you should not feel as though you're on the defensive -- they are being intrusive, and you are putting an immediate stop to it.

 

And never, ever, ever let them quiz your kids!

 

Good luck! :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Remudamom]

How bout "Mind your own business". Or "Ruin your own kids and leave mine to me"?

 

In 17 years of homeschooling my family has never attempted to voice a negative opinion. Wonder why?

[gaillardia]

This response: "Why do you ask?" seems to work for us.

 

Recently our real estate agent asked "what about testing? How do you know if they are blah blah blah....?"

I can't even remember what I said, but she used to be a school teacher, and I suppose she felt that she was entitled to some answers.:glare:

I let her know that two of our kids were preparing for college this fall and that the law here doesn't require testing. She didn't know what to say and I think my husband changed the subject.:001_smile:

[Laurie4b]

I pulled DS out of PS in January 2010 because the school didn't know what to do with him. He would finish his work early and was not happy doing extra worksheets or reading in the corner. He was even less happy still getting handed a packet of homework at the end of the day when he had spent 20 minutes out of each hour (teacher's estimate) sitting in the reading corner or doing busy work. When I approached the school, my options were to put him ahead a grade, leave him stagnate in the 2nd grade corner, or come in for 2 hrs each day to do my own enrichment with him (but put DD4 into daycare during that time since she couldn't be in the school). I chose to bring him home and HS him.

 

Flashforward to this summer where he tested into the 5th grade (should be going into 3rd) for everything but spelling (on track). The school told me I should either push him into 4th grade or keep him home again because they have no program to "deal" with him. He wants to HS again anyway and I'm at peace with the idea of HS'ing DS and DD indefinitely as long as it works for our family.

 

However, my family of teachers (all 3 brothers are teachers, SIL1 is a school speech pathologist, SIL2 is a preschool teacher, SIL3 is a school psychologist, 1 sister is a librarian, 2 nephews teach, 1 NIL teaches, 1 neice teaches, 1 neice is a librarian) does not support our decision to HS. I don't want to spend all of my time with them defending our decision or having DS quizzed by people checking to see if he is on track. I know HS'ing is going to come up and I would love to have some sort of statement that would put an end to it before it starts.

 

Ideas?

 

Depends on your relationship with them and their reason for asking. I like the pp's response: Why do you ask? asked in a genuine way. You're gauging their motivation and their motivation will often give you a response. My guess is that there will be some extent to which your decision is viewed as a judgment on them, so I would include that it is not in your replies: "There are loads of good things about public schools and if this school was filled with teachers like you, we wouldn't be making this choice. I know there can be downsides to homeschooling and I'm aware of them. I think we can avoid the downsides and create an individualized education that satisfies ds's needs. They weren't being met at his p.s. I don't want to debate our choice and won't, but if you have questions, I'll be glad to answer them" This 1) tells them you're not against *them* 2) tells them that you are aware that homeschooling isn't some magic cure-all and 3) allows for some give and take without you engaging in debate. You can "pass the bean dip" anytime you want to. But if you do that early, you'll be taken as defensive. Unless these family members are generally obnoxious and if they are generally caring, I would give some for the sake of the relationships. If the relationships are already distant, I would pass the bean dip earlier.

[kalanamak]

"Thanks for you concern, but we're happy with our decision. How about that rain we had last week?"

 

Keep making comments like this until they either get tired of it and drop it whole thing, or you have to be blunt: "This was our decision. We're happy with it. We don't wish to discuss it any longer. Please don't push us any more."

 

And do NOT let them quiz your ds, either!

 

:iagree:, although you could ask "did you get any haze from those Canadian wildfires? Our sunsets were wild." :)

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Depends on your relationship with them and their reason for asking. I like the pp's response: Why do you ask? asked in a genuine way. You're gauging their motivation and their motivation will often give you a response. My guess is that there will be some extent to which your decision is viewed as a judgment on them, so I would include that it is not in your replies: "There are loads of good things about public schools and if this school was filled with teachers like you, we wouldn't be making this choice. I know there can be downsides to homeschooling and I'm aware of them. I think we can avoid the downsides and create an individualized education that satisfies ds's needs. They weren't being met at his p.s. I don't want to debate our choice and won't, but if you have questions, I'll be glad to answer them" This 1) tells them you're not against *them* 2) tells them that you are aware that homeschooling isn't some magic cure-all and 3) allows for some give and take without you engaging in debate. You can "pass the bean dip" anytime you want to. But if you do that early, you'll be taken as defensive. Unless these family members are generally obnoxious and if they are generally caring, I would give some for the sake of the relationships. If the relationships are already distant, I would pass the bean dip earlier.

 

:iagree: I've managed to pretty much get my relatives to support our homeschooling, from the astrophysicist PhD to the psychologist to the public school teacher. The teacher and I even swap books and websites for school related stuff.

 

I don't owe a justification to anyone outside our nuclear family. But I do respect most of these relatives and don't mind sharing our beliefs about why homeschooling has been so good for us. I wouldn't be surprised if at least one of these families turned to homeschooling in the future. For the sake of my nieces and nephews, I want there to be positive feelings about homeschooling so that it isn't ruled out as an option.

 

(Funny aside. We were in transit when we started our school year a couple years back, living with my in-laws for a few months. I had our Sonlight boxes delivered there and unpacked them with my school teacher sister-in-law. I think she was more than a little envious as the books just kept coming out of the box.:001_smile:)

[Lizzie in Ma]

I think it is time for Joanne's Bean Dip article, once again:). Part of what she talks about have already been said in this thread, but I like Joanne's emphasis on not just changing the subject, but enforcing boundaries.

 

ETA: I forgot to mention ... be prepared for some push-back and keep holding the line. People do not like changes in the dynamic of a relationship and will usually work toward the status quo. Hope your visit goes well. Even if this one is rife with tension, enforcing boundaries may make future visits more enjoyable.

 

That is the answer I was looking for, it's what I would have directed her to as well.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I pulled DS out of PS in January 2010 because the school didn't know what to do with him. He would finish his work early and was not happy doing extra worksheets or reading in the corner. He was even less happy still getting handed a packet of homework at the end of the day when he had spent 20 minutes out of each hour (teacher's estimate) sitting in the reading corner or doing busy work. When I approached the school, my options were to put him ahead a grade, leave him stagnate in the 2nd grade corner, or come in for 2 hrs each day to do my own enrichment with him (but put DD4 into daycare during that time since she couldn't be in the school). I chose to bring him home and HS him.

 

Flashforward to this summer where he tested into the 5th grade (should be going into 3rd) for everything but spelling (on track). The school told me I should either push him into 4th grade or keep him home again because they have no program to "deal" with him. He wants to HS again anyway and I'm at peace with the idea of HS'ing DS and DD indefinitely as long as it works for our family.

 

However, my family of teachers (all 3 brothers are teachers, SIL1 is a school speech pathologist, SIL2 is a preschool teacher, SIL3 is a school psychologist, 1 sister is a librarian, 2 nephews teach, 1 NIL teaches, 1 neice teaches, 1 neice is a librarian) does not support our decision to HS. I don't want to spend all of my time with them defending our decision or having DS quizzed by people checking to see if he is on track. I know HS'ing is going to come up and I would love to have some sort of statement that would put an end to it before it starts.

 

Ideas?

 

I love bean dip and you are the one with experience with your relatives to know if not discussing homeschooling is the best approach.

 

But you might also try to move the topic to areas where you can chat with them as another education minded adult. For example:

 

So what are the favorite read aloud books for your kids?

 

We'll looking at doing a field trip each month, any places that you'd recommend?

 

Do you have any favorite websites for art projects?

 

We're studying ancient civilizations (or explorers or geology or whatever) this year. Any books that you really like on that subject?

 

So do you think that movies made from children's literature encourages them to read the books and their sequels or spoils the experience of reading those stories?

 

I'd like to start getting each kid a really nice book for Christmas that will help build their personal libraries. What are your favorites for their ages?

 

+++++

 

The point being that you might be able to have conversations about books and field trips and math manipulatives and cool ideas in education without having to justify either your homeschooling or their school employment.