Ack! So if you believe mil's should not give parenting advice to dils

[Laurie4b]

Today I had lunch with a friend. Her son and dil are using Babywise and letting their baby cry and cry. There have been issues with lack of weight gain as well. They got the idea from friends of theirs--their church does not teach Ezzo methods. My friend says she can't say a word about it.

 

I have been steeling myself to be the kind of mil who keeps her opinions to herself, but I realize that I have a few hot-button issues.

 

I imagine if my friend did say something and her dil was posting on a message board, dil would be venting about mil criticizing her parenting, people would be telling her to set boundaries, that her mil had had her chance to raise her children, etc. etc.

 

I realized today that the Ezzo type stuff would push my buttons enough that I would feel compelled to say something (and resolved to explain all that to my teenaged ds's now while I am still "allowed!"). It would be very hard for me to say nothing if ds's children went to daycare as babies, too.

 

I think about us as homeschoolers and wonder if we can get into the same "bubble" mentality of friend's dil and son...

 

So what would be your hot button issues over which you would venture to offer parenting advice that could be construed as criticizing your adult child/spouse?

[Pamela H in Texas]

Generally, I believe adult children should be allowed to parent however they deem best. I may or may not agree. I don't want to see my future grandkids hit in the name of discipline (or out of frustration). I don't want to see them eating baby/table food at 8mo. I don't want to see them wearing diapers at 3.5 years old (barring some issue, of course). I don't want to see them hothoused or 10 years old not able to read. I don't want my grandkids in daycare 12 hours per day for years on end. But NONE of these things, imo, is my business. I don't get a say in ANY of them.

 

However, a child with lack of weight gain due to a dangerous program? I would speak up. A baby showing signs of distress due to ongoing neglect? I would speak up. Hitting infants or beating toddlers? I would speak up. And I would go so far that if I didn't get results, I'd step it up and MAKE something happen. Children have no voice, even when they are screaming in pain, so I would be that child's voice. But it would hurt something awful to do that to my children (and children-in-law).

 

I REALLY hope my kids make better choices than ALL of the above, but especially about things that would require me speaking up or having to contact the authorities. Thankfully, they've had A LOT of experience and ongoing discussion through the years so their mindset is set to mild, kind, consistent, strict, loving, helpful, teaching, encouraging, etc.

[mrs.m]

Being the recipient of often unwanted parenting advice, I hope that I would remember how it feels and just not offer it unless it is requested.

 

However, I would step-in if there was some absolute evidence of abuse.

 

Sorry, I just know how hurtful it is to have someone butting in and saying "I'm sorry but I just have to comment because it matters too much not to..."

 

And I had one mom saying let 'em cry it out and another saying never let them cry. I just wanted to cry because I was NEVER right. :(

[freetobeme]

in my ideal world, i will have an open, direct, honest relationship with my grown children and they will come to me for advice on issues they know i have experience with. . .before i have to open my mouth. :lol:

 

that being said, if my grandchild's health and/or life was at stake, i think i'd open my mouth.

[cin]

Honestly, I would try my best to not say anything unless the baby was being very harmed by the parents' behavior. Bruises, failure to thrive, etc.

 

We used babywise, but also listened to my Dr. As it turns out (8 yrs later) our daughter has PDD NOS and need(ed)s high structure. She also needed *6* full bottles a day. We fed her on a schedule, and she grew like a weed! We let her cry 2 nights. She picked up on behaviors quickly. two nights in a row she had pooped and we went into change her. The next night she woke up at about the same time. She was starting the habit. I don't remember the specifics of the second time, but it was something similar.

 

One hopes that MOSTpeople would chose their style and use it as a loose guideline.

[Annie]

I'm far from being a MIL, but I know how poorly I would take advice from my MIL.

 

How old is the baby? If they're leaving a tiny baby to cry, and he isn't gaining weight, it would almost kill me not to do something... It goes so far against what I believe that I wouldn't forgive myself for doing absolutely nothing.

 

If I thought they were talking to several people about Babywise (so they wouldn't automatically know it's me), I would set up an anonymous email acct and send them the information on how it's been linked to FTT/other issues. It's not great, and maybe slightly deceptive, but there's a chance she'll read it and think about it

 

Yucky situation.

[Audrey]

Today I had lunch with a friend. Her son and dil are using Babywise and letting their baby cry and cry. There have been issues with lack of weight gain as well. They got the idea from friends of theirs--their church does not teach Ezzo methods. My friend says she can't say a word about it.

 

I have been steeling myself to be the kind of mil who keeps her opinions to herself, but I realize that I have a few hot-button issues.

 

I imagine if my friend did say something and her dil was posting on a message board, dil would be venting about mil criticizing her parenting, people would be telling her to set boundaries, that her mil had had her chance to raise her children, etc. etc.

 

I realized today that the Ezzo type stuff would push my buttons enough that I would feel compelled to say something (and resolved to explain all that to my teenaged ds's now while I am still "allowed!"). It would be very hard for me to say nothing if ds's children went to daycare as babies, too.

 

I think about us as homeschoolers and wonder if we can get into the same "bubble" mentality of friend's dil and son...

 

So what would be your hot button issues over which you would venture to offer parenting advice that could be construed as criticizing your adult child/spouse?

 

 

I only give advice when asked, but boy howdy! If you ask, you're going to get it! :lol:

 

I would hope that I could keep that up when the day comes that I have a dil and grandchildren. I would have to say/do something if I saw beatings going on (to me, any spankings are beatings), or other signs of abuse, though.

[Peela]

Perhaps its not so much the offering of advice but the way in which it is done, which can make the parents feel criticised. Often, its the mother who needs more support, and to feel mothered herself...she is generally doing her best even if it isnt such a good job. "Advice" is cheap. I remember reading about how we judge badly women who throw their babies into waste bins because they just cant cope....but if we arent caring for those women, we are throwing them in the waste can just as much.

There are plenty of issues which would press my buttons and I guess I hope that I have done a good enough job educating my kids now, that later they will have the sense not to do too bad of a job...but also, I hope to have a good relationship with them and their spouses.

That's all hope of course, and life does its own thing. But if I don't have a good relationship with them, I can't see how I would be able to be of any good as support for them. If they choose to go a completely different parenting route to me...at least I can set an example by my behaviour, rather than my words. And maybe I can learn from them too, and let them know the things I think they are doing really well, rather than focusing on what they arent doing well.

My point is that criticism is probably not the best way to deal with it anyway...giving advice that is unasked for can come across as criticism...but forming a good relationship and being around and available, having a relationship of trust built over time...would be more effective.

You can tell I am not there yet :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would talk to whichever spouse was my child. Hopefully in all the years they've lived with me they've learned that I am not a critical harpy. All I would ask is that they consider what I said and do their own research. The Ezzo material itself says to be flexible and to avoid slavish following of the program. I would point that out. And I would suggest that they give amble attention to any advice or material that the pediatrician gives them.

[JoyfulMama]

I have felt most frustrated with advise from my MIL when she commented, and gave her opinion, however did not offer assistance. Commenting that I seemed tired when I had a newborn and anther child (or 2), yet not offering to cook a meal or allow me time to take a nap wasn't helpful.

 

In this instance, oh I don't know what I would do. Hopefully I would ASK how the baby has been sleeping, and how she's been sleeping. SHARE that I myself had struggles, and that it sometimes took a bit to figure out what I felt most comfortable with, and what seemed to be most comforting to my babes to let them get some sleep. And then I'd OFFER, if you ever want to know more about what I found worked best for me/us, I'd love to share with you, or if it would be helpful for me to give you some time to rest, I'd be more than happy to come over and care for little one for a bit.

[WarriorMama]

I hate being given unsolicited advice, so I don't offer any to others. I am by nature, however, a big-mouthed control freak, so it takes a lot of work for me to keep my mouth shut sometimes. ;)

 

I hope I'll be able to maintain my policy of keeping my opinions to myself when (many many years from now) I have thoughts about my children's parenting...but I don't think I could in the situation you describe. That's dangerous behaviour, in my opinion, and I would have to say something or it would weigh on me forever.

 

In fact, I HAVE given unwanted advice to people on similar matters. A relative of mine dropped contact with me after I told her she couldn't completely replace nursing with jarred baby food at 4 months and she should either work on improving her milk supply or go buy some formula. The baby was dropping substantial amounts of weight and I couldn't keep that one to myself. She didn't appreciate it, but she did start feeding her baby safely. I don't regret it.

 

Where I think a child is in danger I would speak up. Otherwise, I have enough worries of my own to be policing everybody else (although sometimes I think telling everyone what to do would be an awfully fun job!).

[FO4UR]

Today I had lunch with a friend. Her son and dil are using Babywise and letting their baby cry and cry. There have been issues with lack of weight gain as well. They got the idea from friends of theirs--their church does not teach Ezzo methods. My friend says she can't say a word about it.

 

I have been steeling myself to be the kind of mil who keeps her opinions to herself, but I realize that I have a few hot-button issues.

 

I imagine if my friend did say something and her dil was posting on a message board, dil would be venting about mil criticizing her parenting, people would be telling her to set boundaries, that her mil had had her chance to raise her children, etc. etc.

 

I realized today that the Ezzo type stuff would push my buttons enough that I would feel compelled to say something (and resolved to explain all that to my teenaged ds's now while I am still "allowed!"). It would be very hard for me to say nothing if ds's children went to daycare as babies, too.

 

I think about us as homeschoolers and wonder if we can get into the same "bubble" mentality of friend's dil and son...

 

So what would be your hot button issues over which you would venture to offer parenting advice that could be construed as criticizing your adult child/spouse?

 

While I would not want to openly offer unwanted advice, I would certainly *encourage* the new Mommy to trust her mommy-instincts and *reassure* her that NO parenting book is 100% best. After all, most mommies who read babywise are looking for encouragement and reassurance...so I would hope (and PRAY) that providing a little bit of those things outside of that book might help her to step out on her own and think.

 

I think HSers can get the same way about curricula and ed philosophies.

 

I think nurturing children, in general, is my main hot button topic.

[SonshineLearner]

Wow... I don't look forward to seeing how my children parent. I'm a crazy mix of parenting. Yes, I spank my children, but I nurse forever.... (hopefully they'll nurse for quite a while) I don't vax, I wear my baby for years, I put my children in carseats safely... I co-sleep... (even when I escape downstairs... and leave my husband upstairs to be the co-sleeper, now that my son is much older) I don't put my children in daycare...(well, I did when I was single) I cloth diaper... I guess I'm a Jesus loving, freaky hippyish sorta wanna be... who nips my babies like a lioness when they won't listen.

 

Maybe I'll havta get a job or move when my kids have children..... I'd probably freak with a grandbaby stuck in a crib drinking formula and crying......

[Stacy in NJ]

Parenting is stressful and everyone takes their own path. If I want to really positively influence my ds and any future DIL, I intend on just listening first and then offering advice gently. My observation is that in-laws, and even parents, generally fall into two categories. The first being the overly involved, meddling kind. The second being the kind determined to NOT meddle. The non-meddling kind can be just as judgemental, but they just keep it to themselves without sharing their opinions. I think this variety can be just as damaging to the relationship because it create a wall of silence between child and parent. I think the key is to offer advice, but not become overly upset if your children don't immediately put that advice to immediate use.

[lllll]

..

[mktkcb]

I think there isn't enough info to condemn anyone....the lack of weight gain may have *nothing* whatsoever to do with following Babywise. I more or less followed the guidelines in Babywise with all 3 of my kids, and my son was a slow weight gainer that I ended up supplementing with formula ultimately. In his case, it had nothing to do with him being on a flexible eating schedule. I wasn't starving him. And when I put him down for naps, there were occasions where he would cry for awhile. Also when I was getting him to sleep through the night, there were a few long cries. All 3 of my kids, in general, were good eater, good sleepers, and very healthy. And they all slept through the night easily by 4 mo old. I'm not saying it isn't *possible* that the dil might be a little on the rigid side, or that it might not be *possible* that rigid schedule feeding is contributing to a lack of weight gain, or that it might not be possible that the crying is from hunger......but you can't necessarily make that leap. It's all a little "post hoc"-y to me :).

[RanchGirl]

I have two boys and a terrible relationship with my mil so I've thought about this a lot. I think the main problem with mil advice is when it is not actually seen by the dil as a helpful suggestion or sharing information, but instead part of a continuing pattern of disrespect, manipulation, dishonesty and/or control. (At least that's the case with my mil!)

 

I would work on developing a good relationship with my dil, hopefully one where I could share these types of concerns in a non-threatening way. A lot of it is in the approach. "You're doing it wrong, my way is the only right way" is never going to come across well. But sharing an idea with someone with whom you have a friendly, mutually respectful relationship, while realizing that the responsibility for the final decision belongs to the dil should work... theoretically. Especially if you also are consistently complimentary and respectful about other aspects of their parenting. This is my theory anyway!

 

And I completely agree with the previous poster. Spouting off advice about parenting theories to a new mom or dad without helping out with their concrete needs is a disastrous idea. Meals, babysitting, a gift certificate for a cleaning service..... whatever they need!!!

[LizzyBee]

Today I had lunch with a friend. Her son and dil are using Babywise and letting their baby cry and cry. There have been issues with lack of weight gain as well.

 

How does a grandparent NOT speak up when the grandchild is not gaining weight, possibly because of the parenting methods? As a mil/grandma, I won't have a say in how the children are raised; but I don't think it's morally right to stand by when the baby could be in real danger.

 

When my 3rd child was born, the hospital gave us information about Ezzo/Babywise from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Here's a link to a summary of an article on the AAP website, but you have to have a subscription to access the entire article. http://aapnews.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/14/4/21 If I were your friend, I'd probably print out the page, give it to my son, and ask him to please discuss it with his wife and pediatrician.