Do you apologize to your children? To your husband?

[ciyates]

We apologize (unfortunately a lot) around here. We recently changed the rule to not allow I am sorry but to say "I have done xyz to you and ask for your forgiveness." The other person then has the right to say I forgive you or not.

[Guest Amy in MS]

Yes.

Edited July 12, 2010 by Amy in MS
I don't see the point, it's all been said.

[kalanamak]

To my son, yes, who is too little to say things like "I understand" etc. He usually says nothing but I can tell he is all ears.

 

To my husband, no. He is rattled easily, and if I apologize, it just re-inflames him and the whole stink starts all over. With him I have been trained to let sleeping dogs lie. Plus, he is a no apology kind of guy, and seems to just forgive and move on, and expects the same of me. I've found the best way to get him "happier" even if I've been in the wrong is just to make him laugh. Luckily, if you just find any silly thing funny and start cackling, son joins in, and in about 2 minutes hubby is smiling, too. An apology will just make him upset again.

 

Luckily, I don't need an apology, either. To me, the only real apology that means a hill of beans is trying to do better next time.

[Mommyof4ks]

Yes, I do apologize when I mess up and I expect my kids to do the same. My dh usually apologizes, but he was not raised that way. He is coming around though!

[BlsdMama]

How do they respond? Do you feel it's important to acknowledge your own wrongdoing? Do you expect your children and husband to apologize to you when they've been unkind or inconsiderate? How do you respond?

 

 

Yes I apologize. If I've done something wrong or if I've perceived something wrong, I apologize. They respond by not holding it against me. :D I do feel it's important that you recognize if you've done wrong and to repent. It's the perfect model for God/people relationship. I expect my children to apologize for wrongs done. My husband RARELY apologizes. But, then again, he rarely ever raises his voice or acts without thinking. :D I tend to be the less rational one. :chillpill:

 

Sometimes people can be dolts. It's a fact. When it's brought to their attention, they should apologize. If children don't automatically apologize, they should be told to apologize. Then it should be dropped, never held over their heads to be brought up later to embarrass, goad, or otherwise tear down.

 

Building up, always trying to build up, not tear down.

[Audrey]

How do they respond? Do you feel it's important to acknowledge your own wrongdoing? Do you expect your children and husband to apologize to you when they've been unkind or inconsiderate? How do you respond?

 

 

Haven't read the other posts, but yes. I think it's important to acknowledge when you are wrong, when you've made a mistake, etc. I think you should do that no matter whom you have wronged, whether it be a boss, a friend, your husband or your child. I appreciate when others acknowledge their mistakes and I try to be gracious when they do.

 

People make mistakes. Not owning up is arrogant, IMO.

[OrganicAnn]

Yes I apologize whenever it is appropriate. I try not to mess up too badly, but I think it is important for kids to know that parents make mistakes. It can be a modeling experience for how to bounce back from a mistake.

[Stacy in NJ]

I absolutely do apologize when I'm in the wrong, and I expect my dh and dc to do the same.

[Harriet Vane]

Absolutely yes, I apologize if I have done something wrong.

 

I remember how much it hurt, as a child, when an adult was unjust and never apologized. I resolved never, ever to be like that. If I have done something wrong, it's only right to apologize and make amends.

 

It doesn't decrease anyone's respect. Quite the contrary. It keeps our relationships open, honest, trusting.

[StephanieZ]

Do we apologize to each other? ABSOLUTELY!

 

What response is expected? gracious acceptance of the apology

[tex-mex]

Forgiveness and reconciliation are important. Absolutely -- to my ds and dh when I blow it and screw up -- and they in kind as well.

[tex-mex]

 

It doesn't decrease anyone's respect. Quite the contrary. It keeps our relationships open, honest, trusting.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[jld]

I asked this question because I don't think it's as "automatic", as one poster mentioned, as we might think. Like many other people, I hardly remember hearing my parents apologize to their children, and I don't think dh does, either. And I have definitely modelled apologizing for him, and with our kids. Dd told me dh never apologizes to them. I don't think that's quite accurate, but if that's her perception, I think that may be a problem in the future for him.

 

A friend in the U.S. told me the divorce rate is now 68% there. Could an inability to see our wrongdoing and take responsibility for it be part of that? I'm thinking yes.

[RoughCollie]

Absolutely yes, I apologize if I have done something wrong.

 

I remember how much it hurt, as a child, when an adult was unjust and never apologized. I resolved never, ever to be like that. If I have done something wrong, it's only right to apologize and make amends.

 

It doesn't decrease anyone's respect. Quite the contrary. It keeps our relationships open, honest, trusting.

 

Same here.

[IsabelC]

Dh and I try to apologize to anyone whom we see that we have wronged in any way. We strongly encourage (but don't force) the children to do likewise, as well as to make amends where possible.

[Peela]

Of course.

 

ETA, it is natural to me, even though my parents didnt apologise to me.

 

However, it has not come naturally to dh at all, and the kids really notice. He does apologise sometimes but no where near enough (according to my opinion :) ) . But that is relaly to anyone, not just the kids. I have trained him to apologise to me, though :)

 

I think it is an old school mentality that says parents always know best and are infallible. Times have changed. Everyone (around here anyway) seems to think that its a bad thing that times change, but I think most parents I know are much more likely to apologise for losing their temper than their parents' generation, and I cant see how thats a bad thing. The "generation gap " seems less rigid than previously, and I too think that is generalyl a good thing. Particularly since many older people really can behave most immaturely and that behaviour should not be revered.

 

Whether it has anything to do with the divorce rate, I dont know, because I think people are more willing to apologise now than in the past, in my experience.

Edited July 13, 2010 by Peela

[Julie in CA]

I'm married to a man who doesn't. :leaving:

He wasn't raised to do so, and frankly, he thinks it's a little silly. I don't agree with him, and I apologize regularly, but when he explains to me why he doesn't, I kinda understand (sorta). He thinks that amongst family, we are supposed to already know each other's character enough that we know when the other is sorry, and that we don't require a spoken apology for forgiveness. In a way, he's right. I do know when he's sorry, and I don't really need him to say so. He makes amends when possible, but doesn't speak the words. He doesn't really see the need for me to apologize either, and brushes my apologies away. I'm not saying it's right, just that I can understand where he's coming from, and it's ok with me. He's a great guy, and a great person, and is as patient with my character flaws as I am of his, so it works for us regardless of how it looks from the outside. I should probably mention that he tends to lean towards non-verbal communication as a whole, in emotional matters. He *shows* me love, he *shows* me forgiveness, or repentance, but he doesn't always *say* the words. S'alright with me. :001_smile:

[Lovedtodeath]

When I apologize to my husband his reaction is to go on and on about my mistake, rubbing it in and making me wish I had never mentioned it. But, I point it out to him and he stops. It makes it much harder to apologize to begin with... knowing what is coming.

 

I apologize to my children as well. It is the right thing to do to strengthen their little hearts, even if they react the same way as their Dad (not always, but sometimes).

[katemary63]

He thinks that amongst family, we are supposed to already know each other's character enough that we know when the other is sorry, and that we don't require a spoken apology for forgiveness.

 

 

On second thought...nevermind. :)

Edited July 13, 2010 by katemary63

[kalanamak]

He *shows* me love, he *shows* me forgiveness, or repentance, but he doesn't always *say* the words. S'alright with me. :001_smile:

 

Hey, I resemble that remark. My whole family was that way. I recall one of the very few times my father reacted to me with words of anger. It was at the dinner table. He "put himself in time out" on the front porch. Since he was very rarely grumpy let alone angry, this was a significant and one time event of my childhood. There was a strong tendency in the family for a misbehaving person to leave the room, cool down or warm up, and return. No one ever said anything....no, "what was YOUR problem" etc. After you improved yourself, you were welcomed right back into the fold.

 

And ironically, hubby was rudely angry last night. I know he was hot and tired and stressed over getting the old house on the market, but really, it went on too long. I thought of this thread. I came home today, and he had done quite a bit of housework, like vacuuming, etc, and said nothing (he usually points out "I did the vacuuming) and he is particularly attentive tonight. I'll take that over a "mere words" apology anytime. It reminds me of the very effective "make amends" rule in AA, and also scratches my practical itch.

[Lovedtodeath]

He thinks that amongst family, we are supposed to already know each other's character enough that we know when the other is sorry, and that we don't require a spoken apology for forgiveness. In a way, he's right.

In a way, he is right, but if we rely on our mates "knowing" things instead of communicating (in general, not just about apologizing) it can really sabotage a relationship. That was my biggest problem when we did marital counseling.

 

And ironically, hubby was rudely angry last night. I know he was hot and tired and stressed over getting the old house on the market, but really, it went on too long. I thought of this thread. I came home today, and he had done quite a bit of housework, like vacuuming, etc, and said nothing (he usually points out "I did the vacuuming) and he is particularly attentive tonight. I'll take that over a "mere words" apology anytime. It reminds me of the very effective "make amends" rule in AA, and also scratches my practical itch.

Yes I can see how making amends would mean more than words.

[Daisy]

When I apologize to my husband his reaction is to go on and on about my mistake, rubbing it in and making me wish I had never mentioned it. But, I point it out to him and he stops. It makes it much harder to apologize to begin with... knowing what is coming.

 

 

 

Wow, that stinks.

 

My hubby apologizes even when he hasn't done anything wrong. He is just trying to smooth my feathers. That pisses me off more. LOL.

[Lovedtodeath]

My hubby apologizes even when he hasn't done anything wrong. He is just trying to smooth my feathers. That pisses me off more. LOL.

:lol:

[MBM]

How do they respond? Do you feel it's important to acknowledge your own wrongdoing? Do you expect your children and husband to apologize to you when they've been unkind or inconsiderate? How do you respond?

 

Yes, I apologize to dh and my children and vice versa. It helps clear problems up quickly.

[WishboneDawn]

I definitely apologize. I'm not sure why family would be excluded from apologies.

 

I do it because they're the most important people in my life and I fight against taking them for granted and also because I'm a role model for my kids. I think kids learn how to treat others by first observing how there family treats each other.

[CalicoKat]

Of course! If I make a mistake I need to also model to my kids how to be gracious and apologize.

 

My folks never apologize and have never apologized for anything they've done that's not right. As a child I saw that and found it weird and eventually it really challenged my respect for them. Still as an adults with adult children they're reluctant to recognize when they've been wrong.

 

My husband and I both model this for our kids.

[Marylou]

Yes.

 

And in our family we also

say "please" and "thank you"

and "excuse me"

and we hold doors open for one another

and we pass the food portion to someone else before taking our own

and we wait for the dessert server to sit down before digging in

and we walk up to each other instead of yelling across the house

and above all we try to treat each other the way we would like to be treated.

 

Do we do all this perfectly all the time? Of course not. That's when apologizing comes into play!

 

We were at a restaurant the other night and one of my dd10 was getting out of the booth when I reminded her to grab her stuffed animal which she was ready to leave behind. She grabbed it and said, "thank you, Mama!" The man in the next booth did a double-take. The only reason I can think he would do that is because he's not used to hearing children thank their parents. Sad.

[ScoutTN]

Yes, of course.

 

We make it a habit to apologize, "I am sorry that I ____________."

 

and then ask forgiveness, "Will you please forgive me?"

 

The offended person then replies.

 

I think that naming the offense and not using the common, "I am sorry if I hurt you." language (which basically denies guilt/responsibility) are important.

And that the injured person be allowed time for a response.

 

I love Corlette Sande's book, The Young Peacemaker for training our family in healthier communication and conflict resolution skills than those with which DH and I grew up.