Why am *I* doing everything for dh's Father's Day?

[Pajama Mama]

I understood it when my kids were little. But ds13 and dd9 seem to be leaving everything up to me for Father's Day. Why am I doing it? Because if they do nothing it would hurt dh's feelings.

 

I went to the store and had to practically drag them with me to pick a present. I offered to buy cards but they said that they would make them. It's 9:30 pm. No cards are done.

 

I had to premake most of the food today. Dh works tomorrow so dinner will be around 3. I made cabbage rolls per dh's request. I HATE making cabbage rolls. I like eating them; but not making them. Then I started getting mad at dh. He knows the kids can't make cabbage rolls. THEY are supposed to be doing stuff for him.

 

Sigh. No one, including me, can remember what they made me for Mother's Day. Why? Because I kept it simple since the kids were supposed to do it. I do remember that I had to CLEAN UP their mess on Mother's Day though.

 

Cabbage rolls take time. Ds10 sat in his wheelchair for a good part of the afternoon watching me make food. I had no opportunity to play with him or do therapy exercises. I know it's just one day but it irks me.

 

I make special requests on b-days and such. I will put the time into making whatever the person wanted. It just feels like it's not appreciated and not reciprocated when it's my day.

 

I'm just whining. I love dh and want him to feel special. But on my b-day next year I will pick out some more complicated items for them to make for me. Vent over.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't have to tell dd8 to make cards esp. because she loves that sort of thing.

 

But for ds(almost 13) I have to assign it. "Go make your dad a card." Then I will preview it. If it is quickly done "carp" he will do it again. When it is done with some thought (no matter how "good" it is) I will praise him heartily. I do this, hopefully not to make him resent doing this sort of thing, but so that he gets in the habit of thinking of others.

[RamonaQ]

Well, if it makes you feel better, you are a far better mother than me. My dd just said "Oh? Is tomorrow Father's day?" Yah, not a lot of hype going on here.

[Jennifer in MI]

I understood it when my kids were little. But ds13 and dd9 seem to be leaving everything up to me for Father's Day. Why am I doing it? Because if they do nothing it would hurt dh's feelings.

 

I went to the store and had to practically drag them with me to pick a present. I offered to buy cards but they said that they would make them. It's 9:30 pm. No cards are done.

 

I had to premake most of the food today. Dh works tomorrow so dinner will be around 3. I made cabbage rolls per dh's request. I HATE making cabbage rolls. I like eating them; but not making them. Then I started getting mad at dh. He knows the kids can't make cabbage rolls. THEY are supposed to be doing stuff for him.

 

Sigh. No one, including me, can remember what they made me for Mother's Day. Why? Because I kept it simple since the kids were supposed to do it. I do remember that I had to CLEAN UP their mess on Mother's Day though.

 

Cabbage rolls take time. Ds10 sat in his wheelchair for a good part of the afternoon watching me make food. I had no opportunity to play with him or do therapy exercises. I know it's just one day but it irks me.

 

I make special requests on b-days and such. I will put the time into making whatever the person wanted. It just feels like it's not appreciated and not reciprocated when it's my day.

 

I'm just whining. I love dh and want him to feel special. But on my b-day next year I will pick out some more complicated items for them to make for me. Vent over.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think that next year you should buy something for yourself and call it a Mother's Day gift. Really. Do it!!!

 

This year, dh and I decided NOT to buy things for our gifts for MD, FD, birthday, Christmas, etc. We'd rather go on vacation. So, this year, I made up a list of things I needed done around the house - mopping, dusting, bathrooms, etc. I napped and the kids and dh cleaned!! For my dh, I got an email with a coupon code for a free book from Snapfish. My kids spent HOURS working on it! They found pictures of dh and them and added captions. It's gorgeous! It took ME to get it started. But, it's done. And, dh will LOVE it!!!

 

I've found with FD/MD, the kids need ME to take the reigns. They need me to take over (dh never does for MD). That's just the way it is. I wish it were different, but it's not. If I try to be excited about it, they are too!!! Not always easy, but it works, usually.

[Pajama Mama]

I feel guilty complaining about it. We don't buy a lot for Mother's and Father's Day. Usually it's just a day for that person from the kids. I wouldn't have minded making the food if my kids helped. Instead, they complained and made more mess for me to straighten up.

 

I don't mind them having friends over to swim in the pool. But the yard was a wreck, wet towels and suits on the floor, 5 pairs of flip-flops scattered throughout the house. I had to unload the dishwasher which was dd's chore. I had to take out the trash which is ds's chore. The list goes on...

 

Ds13 tells me "it's summer" so we want to play and not help. Yes, it's summer so I have even more to do. Yardwork, pool maintenence not to mention ds10 isn't in school. So I have to work with him all day, everyday. My kids don't have to help with their brother but they do need to help in general.

 

I've finished what I need to do so I'm signing off. I'm tired and grouchy. I need sleep and quiet time away from my darling-yet irritating-children.

[RamonaQ]

Looking into my crystal ball, I see a family meeting for Monday morning :lol:

[Daisy]

Well, it sounds like your children's gift to dad are cleaning up after the Father's Day meal. I know they are just so excited to give dad the special gift of mommy/daddy time. Hop to it, kiddos.

 

Seriously though, I have to make my kids sit down and make a card. It isn't that they don't want to do it but that they just don't pay attention to what time it is.

[LibraryLover]

Well, here's the polar opposite. We are doing nothing for father's day. :auto:

 

My dh hates 'Hallmark holidays', so we don't have to do a thing. Of course, I have a 16 yr old who has the kindest heart, and he will most likely be making eggs and coffee for his dad. My dh will be gracious and open as he loves his kids; yet he can't stand this sort of thing. He adores his children, and doesn't need/want FD.

 

I am totally not into Mother's Day, either. I think I hate that sort of thing more than my dh does. He has an excuse. He wasn't born in the states. I was, but I still don't like a formal MD. I don't get it at all. If I want to do something nice for my mother, I do it. I don't need a national holiday to be bossing us around, trying to get us to spend money. Dumbassness. Sorry to sound harsh about MD. lol

Edited June 20, 2010 by LibraryLover

[tampamommy]

Hmmm. It sounds like there are several things going on here. It also sounds like you are tired and overwhelmed. Hugs to you!

 

First, it might be helpful for you as a family to revisit the idea of how you celebrate different holidays. As our lives have gotten busier with older parent care and children's sports, we continually try to simplify what we do to make special days meaningful. Just because you used to do certain things for Father's Day (or any holiday) doesn't mean you have to continue doing them, especially if it induces stress. Sometimes letting go of old traditions in favor of new ones is just the ticket.

 

Second, and I say this gently, it sounds like there is something lacking if ds13 and dd9 are completely uninterested in participating in Father's Day prep, however simple. Do they really appreciate Dad? Do they realize all he does for them? Children at this age DO need regular reminders all year long that Dad is their hero. Frankly, they need regular reminders to show regular gratitude for ALL others. Often. If that tone is regularly set over time, they eventually absorb it. And likely will be more excited about helping in special preparations.

 

Next, instead of buying presents, can you or the children think of what would be most meaningful to Dad? My dh doesn't like us to spend money on him. So we try to see how little we can spend and how meaningful we can make it. This year, dd11 made him a special card and a little sculpey clay drill. DD13 replaced the opening mechanism on the patio door, so it's now fixed and dh didn't have to do it. I made dh his favorite meal. I don't (and won't) require ds13 to make a card. Each of them needs to learn to express appreciation/gratitude in their own way. Dad will be thrilled with each one's unique expression.

 

May I ask why aren't your 13 and 9 yo helping to make cabbage rolls? It may be complex, but certainly they can be taught, especially the older one. Perhaps teach them how during this coming year and have them surprise Dad next year with that special meal. To be honest, especially with your need to do therapy with your ds10, it is important to teach the other children to step up to the plate. Don't bail them out if they fail to make cards. They ARE old enough to understand showing appreciation. And if they choose not to, they have accountability for that.

 

At the same time, maybe next holiday offer suggestions that match their inclinations. When we were walking around in Home Depot a week ago, ds13 saw the door repair kit and asked, "should we get this so Daddy can fix the patio door?" I replied, "what a PERFECT Father's Day present for you to do FOR Daddy!" So when needed, I try to think ahead and offer suggestions that match their capabilties and interests, and that Dad would also love.

 

Another thing I started doing a few years ago was making an annual list of all birthdays, holidays, etc. that we celebrate. I post this for the children to see. Then I do indeed remind them a couple times (not daily) when things are coming up. I reminded them two weeks ago about Father's Day. Then one afternoon when we weren't doing school this week, I mentioned it was a good time to work on Father's Day stuff. They are busy with school, sports and other hobbies, so it is easy to forget.

 

One other item on food prep...I would consider having your 13 and 9 yo helping out regularly in the kitchen. It takes time to teach them, yes, and sometimes it's easier to do it all yourself. But it's more than worth it. They will learn to take healthy pride in their ability to prepare a meal, navigate the kitchen independently, and even clean up. They might not LIKE it all the time, but it really creates a sense of accomplishment and family cohesion. And they get to experience the wonderful feeling when you can say to THEM, "I couldn't do all this without you," and really mean it.

 

When dc really learn some of these lessons, it will spill over into how/what they prepare for you for surprises, birthdays, Mother's Day etc. It just takes time and a consistent approach.

 

Hang in there. And try to get some sleep. Things always look worse when I'm exhausted, too.

[Renthead Mommy]

It's too bad mother's day come first.

 

If father's day came first, we'd be able to show them how we'd like to be treated, why it's important to do things.

 

No matter what we do on Father's day, nobody remembers it for the next 11 months till the next Mother's day.

[Peela]

Dd16 has always done something for me on Mother's Day and my b'day, evne if jsut hand painted a card (in her case, that can be pretty spectacular and i owuld never throw it away!)

 

Dh does make a bit of a fuss nowadays. I remember one Christmas though, I knew I wasnt getting anything, so I bought myself some things I wanted (I still have the electric can opener!) and wrapped them and put them under the tree. It realyl did make me feel better and shamed dh a bit. He is good with presents nowdays though.

 

Ds14. Well. He doesn't do anything. For anyone. Unless we make him. Which sometimes isnt worth the effort, so I am hoping ONE day he will feel shamed into doing something. Maybe not. The thing is- I was actually the same, strangely- my parents didnt "teach" me though to gift my own parents. I remember my grandmother scolding me when I was 13, to get my mother a b'day present. I had never considered it before! So I do have some empathy- but ds has plenty of guidance and time to do something. He just doesnt want to.

[JFSinIL]

Next time, find a Polish restaurant and order take-out cabbage rolls. Make the kids pay for it.

[ereks mom]

I wouldn't have minded making the food if my kids helped. Instead, they complained and made more mess for me to straighten up.

 

...I had to unload the dishwasher which was dd's chore. I had to take out the trash which is ds's chore. The list goes on...

 

 

 

I guess I'm just wondering why you let them get away with it. In my house, I would have been calling the kids to come and help: "It's Daddy's Father's Day meal, and he's YOUR father, not mine, so YOU should be at least helping!"

 

And chores? Well, I don't just do it myself if they leave it--even when my kids were the same ages as yours (and younger). I call them to come and do it. And if I have to remind them, then I figure it's a "teachable moment", and they get a brief lecture from me about how "We are a family, and we all work together to manage our household. It takes ALL of us, and it's not fair for one person (or two people) to shirk their duties and hope someone else will do them."

 

Dear Abby once said something that has stuck with me over the years--and it is a piece of wisdom that, for me, seems to fit SO many situations: "People [even your own children] will not take advantage of you if you don't let them." So don't. ;)

[lynn]

The 2 youngest made cards, well rather babygirl made a pig mask(?), we don't ask and ds made a nice popup card. I made dh favorite breakfast of quiver's cinnamon rolls. Because the weather is nice this morning he went on his weekend motorcycle ride for a couple hours before it becomes dreadfully hot.

 

Hope your day is good.

Edited June 20, 2010 by lynn

[Tammy]

and 'make' them do it!

[2squared]

I don't mind them having friends over to swim in the pool. But the yard was a wreck, wet towels and suits on the floor, 5 pairs of flip-flops scattered throughout the house. I had to unload the dishwasher which was dd's chore. I had to take out the trash which is ds's chore. The list goes on...

 

 

I say this gently, but why are your kids having friends over when they haven't done their chores or picked up after themselves?

 

Chores done = friends = big carrot

 

If this was my house, I would have made the kids pick up all that stuff and completed their chores before they got time with their friends.

[Pajama Mama]

I am usually a stickler for chores. But my aspie ds13 is being rather difficult and it rubs off on dd9. My aspie does have a lot to deal with. However, he magically feels better when people knock on the door.

 

The mess from the pool was after the friends left. The dishwasher and trash chores had to be done because the trash was overflowing and I had a lot of dirty dishes. I needed them done because I was making food and the dirty dishes had to go somewhere.

 

I would have had the kids help me with the cabbage rolls. But no one wanted to help. "Do you want to brown the gr beef?" "no" "Can you pull the leaves off the cabbage?" "Not now."

 

Dd did help later. She sorted and folded 6 loads of laundry while watching a movie. She helped make breakfast this morning. Ds13 slept until 11 am:glare:

 

Ds13 is the main problem. He is becoming a bad influence on dd. That's why she's going to Catholic school in the fall. She's usually a big helper. But she sees her brother and his attitude. She's very social and being here everyday isn't good for her anymore. She has lots of friends in the school so she's excited.

 

I appreciate the advice. There are way too things going on here. I can't possibly list them all. I just needed to type some things down and get it out of my system. Thanks

[Mejane]

I don't need a national holiday to be bossing us around, trying to get us to spend money. Dumbassness. Sorry to sound harsh about MD. lol

 

:iagree: I feel that way about most holidays.

 

My kids made their dad breakfast, then they all took a swim together. Tonight he gets his favorite dinner on the barbeque. He will cook. :)

[2squared]

:grouphug: Parenting is hard.

[AngieW in Texas]

We're not into Hallmark holidays either.

 

On Mother's Day, my 17yo drove the other two over to Target so they could pick out a dessert to buy for all of us. For Father's Day, I went to the donut shop and bought donuts (my dh's favorite).

[m0mmaBuck]

DH is still asleep. That will be his best gift of the day!

 

My kids are 18 (he stayed at the ILs last night and probably doesn't realize it's Fathers' Day), 8 (he made a card and asked DH to go minigolfing with him), and 4 (she drew a picture of the dog). I bought a guide book of local walks and a water bottle that has a big slice of bacon on it that says "Fresh squeezed." That's about it from around here since he bought a camera as a "Mothers' Day gift" that he uses exclusively... How can it be my gift if I've never even taken a picture with it? Bah!

[Guest janainaz]

Because if they do nothing it would hurt dh's feelings.

 

People have made such a big deal out of these "Hallmark" holidays.

 

There are so many moments throughout the year that my kids do something from their heart that is sweet or special - maybe it's just a random hug and an "I love you, Mom", or drawing something for me, or some comment that I'm a great mom. They do the same with their dad. Beautiful and natural moments can't be forced and there something that is taken away of what is meant to be 'real' by marking a day and expecting magic and fireworks.

 

We are an unusual family in the way that we don't make a really big deal of out certain holidays. I found that the more special I tried to make it, the less meaningful it became. My best Mother's Day was a couple of years ago when nothing was planned and we went to take a walk around a beautiful lake at sunset. It was a wonderful day and it did not include cards or gifts or words. I would NEVER have my feelings hurt by my kids not writing me a card or making a big deal out of me on a special day because they are supposed to. I prefer the raw and unplanned moments that come straight from their hearts.

 

Your husband is a grown man. Does he really get his feelings hurt by such things? Love is so much deeper than that. If your boys aren't jumping to make him a card and do something, why would you want to make them? THAT would hurt my feelings and I would never want my kids to be made to feel guilty for not doing something.

[Guest janainaz]

Well, here's the polar opposite. We are doing nothing for father's day. :auto:

 

My dh hates 'Hallmark holidays', so we don't have to do a thing. Of course, I have a 16 yr old who has the kindest heart, and he will most likely be making eggs and coffee for his dad. My dh will be gracious and open as he loves his kids; yet he can't stand this sort of thing. He adores his children, and doesn't need/want FD.

 

I am totally not into Mother's Day, either. I think I hate that sort of thing more than my dh does. He has an excuse. He wasn't born in the states. I was, but I still don't like a formal MD. I don't get it at all. If I want to do something nice for my mother, I do it. I don't need a national holiday to be bossing us around, trying to get us to spend money. Dumbassness. Sorry to sound harsh about MD. lol

 

I just read this after my post. This is my family as well. I guess there are 'others' out there after all. :D

[hornblower]

I would have had the kids help me with the cabbage rolls. But no one wanted to help. "Do you want to brown the gr beef?" "no" "Can you pull the leaves off the cabbage?" "Not now."

 

:grouphug: Pajama Mama.

 

I see your problem here though. With things like this, I do not ever ask "Do you want to do X.?" The answer would pretty much always be "no." :lol: Heck, my answer to most questions is NO. The management logic is that it's much easier to change a NO to a yes, than v.v. so when in doubt, always say NO (to tasks, ideas, invitations, requests from children to buy things etc.) :D

 

What you say is:

 

"We are going to make _______. These are the things that need doing. You can do this or this or this or that. PICK. "

 

The only time I use the "Do you want to ______" phrase is when it's giving choices. "Do you want to unload the dishwasher or swiffer the living room? Do you want to brush the cat or clean the toilet?" Sometimes someone will suggest something else..... "Well, I could do the cat but I was going to start that dessert." And then we figure out who is doing what.

 

For special events, parties, etc., there is just a long list on the counter & I pretty much bark out orders, and I use the First Aid training trick of pointing at a person, making eye contact, & saying "You go do _____ " (in the first aid courses before cell phones were so ubiquitous, it's how you got people to go call 911. Otherwise everyone thinks someone else is doing it....) Make sure you tell your workers to come back when they're done, otherwise mine are prone to getting lost on a couch after their task :D

 

It will take time to implement this method & if you haven't been doing it, you can expect some balking but IME it does pay off.

 

Honestly, the FD thing wouldn't worry me so much as a refusal to help with what you're doing, regardless of whether it's for FD or just any old day.

[Jean in Newcastle]

People have made such a big deal out of these "Hallmark" holidays.

 

 

 

We don't make a big deal of it. Dh got home-made cards from the kids but that was it. Sometimes we do more if it fits in with our day.

 

I do "make" ds do something for his dad but dh would care less. (That came out wrong - he appreciates the card, but he doesn't expect it and wouldn't be hurt without it). If he naturally chose to honor dh in another way, I wouldn't ask for him to do the card. The reason I have ds do it is for ds' benefit - he's got that young teenager's self-centeredness and I want him to spend at least 10 min. doing something purposeful for someone else. Once he gets older he will have the choice to take this earlier modeling in honoring others as something he wants to continue or not.