Adrift

[scubamama]

I'm really feeling overwhelmed and sad. I need some hive advice or ideas. My family moved from rural PAto SoCal last year. We moved for my dh's dream job. We had a stable life in PA, not easy but stable. Dh worked waaay too much - the new job seemed like a great opportunity for him and he'd be home weekends and evenings. Great for me - I had been doing all the parenting, household stuff, and teaching alone. Plus we both have ridiculously manipulative dysfunctional families. I was ready to start again. Now we've been here for a year and I'm still feeling overwhelmed - dh is off again on another trip - this is the 3rd one. All have been 2 weeks long give or take a day or two and all have come right after another in waves - with 2 days at home in between. He goes in to work those days so it's not like he's here giving me a break before leaving. My kids struggled with moving and missing friends and support from home, and so did I. They can no longer just run outside to play. I worked really hard when we got here to find our HS network, unpack, find our way around, find all the normal things you need (grocery, dr's), potty train, teach, etc. I'm grateful to the HS communtiy here. I'm struggling with feeling overwhelmed b/c I am still doing it all. Dh is working a lot more than "advertised". I have told him more times than i can count that I need a break - he says he needs on too! I bet he does, but it doens't lessen my need. I've asked for a day away, a night in a motel, etc. He can't give it to me. I am a Christian and prayer and scripture have helped but I really am overwhelmed. Is this normal? Do Other moms just perservere? Is that the answer? Does being a Christian HS mom mean completely sacrificing any needs I have? Am I crazy for feeling like I have too much on my plate right now? We didn't have family support at home for help with the kids EVER (alcoholics are terrible babysitters) so I was doing it alone...it's not like I had parents or IL's to turn to for a break. I didn't want to keep on doing it alone - I thought moving here would allow for more family time. I went to see a Dr to talk about feeling depressed and she immediately asked why I had 3 kids with me, why not in school? I explained that we HS and that was the end of the discussion. I should put them in school and I would be all better. I know I need a break, but that is not the answer. Dh is on another 2 week long trip - we're 4 days in and I'm beat. My ds8 cried angry tears b/c I wouldn't bring his friend home today to hang out during the toddlers nap. I told him i just couln't do it. I need time off too. I had to send him to his room b/c he was acting so bad. I hate to disappoint my kids, but that's life. You don;t always get what you want. I realize I have no choice in the days to come while dh is away but what can I do when he returns? In the meantime I'm supposed to be packing up this rental home we're in to move next month. You know, in my free time :tongue_smilie: Sorry this is so long. I'm all ears if anyone has felt this way.

 

Thanks,

Michele

[Parrothead]

You do not have to suck it up and do it all. If you need a break create a break - hire a babysitter or a nanny for a day. Do it one day a month or one day a week.

 

You can interview and find a Christian babysitter.

 

Before you say you can't trust your kids to a perfect stranger, make arrangements to not leave the house. Have the babysitter/nanny keep the kids in the back yard or you stay in your bedroom with a book and let them have the house.

 

And the next day hire a cleaning service for that day.

 

Two days in a row off every once in a while is a good thing.

[HerdingCats]

:grouphug: I can relate on the overwhelmed feeling. I haven't been in your exact situation, but know how it is to not have support to turn to for help or understanding at times. I wish I could babysit for you! Our 8 year olds could play together!

[rfoster]

:grouphug: I am so sorry you feel overwhelmed and that is a totally NORMAL feeling! All moms need a break, and I've definitely been there before. Do you have any other moms that you know in your area? I often felt just like you, until I met a few other moms in my area who had kids around the same age as my own. It took a while, but after a few months I trusted them well enough to keep my children for a few hours when I needed a break! I like the previous poster's suggestion to have a babysitter take care of the children while you are still in the house - that way you can build trust and get to know the person without the anxiety problems that come from leaving your kids with a total stranger.

[Brilliant]

You poor thing. I have been where you are, more than once! How can you get a break? Can you pay a teen babysitter from your hs group? Can you share afternoons with another mom? I did that for a while with 2 moms, when my kids were littler. I had all kids over at my house 1 afternoon...then the next week, the next mom would do it, then the next. So we each got 2 afternoons off every 3 weeks. It was just what we needed!

[AuntieM]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I have moved many times and from my experience, your feelings are completely normal for this stage of things. I am not sure whether you will find it reassuring or discouraging, but it really takes closer to two years to settle in. And I'm guessing you haven't allowed yourself to feel settled if you are in a rental with plans to move. It's tough when dh has horrendous hours, and feels compelled to work them without complaining since he's the new guy. It's tough when there's no one to call on. You are not crazy, you really need a break!

 

As a believer, I must share with you that God has used these difficult relocations to draw me closer to Himself. To be sure I'm not relying on myself, my own abilities, or my dh to provide the kind of strength that only He can provide. Don't skip your prayer and time in the Word, even if those things seem like the last thing you feel motivated to do.

 

Have you found a church yet? Even if you have not decided on one yet, find a good-sized one in your area of the denomination you feel most comfortable with. Get into a weekly ladies Bible study that includes child care. This has always been a successful strategy for me.

 

I also agree that you need a break. Hire a babysitter, as another poster has suggested. Enroll the kids in a summer half-day camp. It may not be a perfect situation for them, but they are young and they will be okay. You need to have some time to recharge your batteries.

 

I hope you are feeling better soon. And that dh's schedule settles down. My dh always asks me for 6 month grace period while he learns the new ropes.. After that, he knows I need equal days off. Maybe your dh has been so busy he hasn't stopped to seriously consider that you also need time off.

[scubamama]

Thanks, all. I have been able to find a mom that I trust and we are able to share child care times...it just feels like not enough! And watching 7 kids tear up our tiny rental is tough on me.It's almost like double the work! I do understand that feeling overwhelmed is normal for this stage of the game - it's just tough! I have joined a local church, but they only offer Bible studies without childcare - b/c kids are in school! I will have to explore that more, though.

I'd like to hear suggestions on how to help my dh understand my need for a break. Don't suggest I go visit somone and leave him with the kids for a week - he isn't able to get the time off.

Thanks for the suggestions and just for replying.

Michele

[Hen]

I'm so sorry! I do remember times I felt so overwhelmed, I can say at least for me, the kids do get older and it gets easier.

 

one of the best things I did, was become friends with a large family with many kids- I had an endless supply of teen sitters who were not very expensive. I made sure to make it easy for them, had the kids in p.j.'s, dinner made, and yummy snacks for the teens. Hint: find a close morman church and ask about teens wanting to babysit.

 

being honest with dh, not just angry, but honest, even with tears, might help him see where you are. Tell him you went seeking depression medication.

[Parrothead]

Thanks, all. I have been able to find a mom that I trust and we are able to share child care times...it just feels like not enough! And watching 7 kids tear up our tiny rental is tough on me.It's almost like double the work! I do understand that feeling overwhelmed is normal for this stage of the game - it's just tough! I have joined a local church, but they only offer Bible studies without childcare - b/c kids are in school! I will have to explore that more, though.

I'd like to hear suggestions on how to help my dh understand my need for a break. Don't suggest I go visit somone and leave him with the kids for a week - he isn't able to get the time off.

Thanks for the suggestions and just for replying.

Michele

I don't know how old your kids are so my suggestions may not be worth much.

 

On the extreme there is the you-walk-out-the-door-as-he-walks-in routine. He will have to figure it out on the fly with no warning. Like I said extreme, but you'll likely get 2 hours that way even if all you do is walk around Target.

 

On the not so extreme you simply tell your dh that on such-and-such date you will be gone from the house and he needs to be home. Tell him you expect him to be home to care for his children. If he decides the next day that he has to suddenly work overtime, it needs to be his responsibility to arrange childcare.

 

What ever you do, you need to make him understand that these are his children, not just yours (right?). He has some responsibility to them and you other than going to work. What does he do on his days off? Why can't you leave when he is supposed to be home all day?

 

We move a lot so I know how difficult it can be to get a support network built. The last place we lived I never got the network together. It was a difficult 2.5 years. You need time away from home to make friends and gather together a network.

[Tap]

I agree that you need to find a break or create one. I wouldn't expect dh to be able to do this for you at this time. Learning a new job and the frustrations of disillusionment is very, very hard emotionally. Prioritize an opportunity for you to get a break that doesn't involve him watching them. That way you not only get the support you need and break you need, but you also can offer him more support and encouragement. It will not only be good for you, but for him too.

 

 

If you have a bible study you would like to attend, maybe you can ask the ladies there if one of them has an older teen who could watch them in the nursery for you during the bible study. That way you can form a relationship with the teen, and if it goes well you can ask her to help you at home too. Having another mom help is great, but honestly it comes with such a high price tag, that it may not be worth it for you.

 

I would also suggest, a shorter break once a week once you get someone you are comfortable with, just so you know, once a week, you have a break. It is amazing how great it is to have something to look forward too.

 

Hopefully, dh can join you on occasion. :0)

 

I also would try to find time when the kids are in bed to to basic chores like grocery shopping, just to get a break. That way dh can 'watch' them while they are asleep when he is around, and you get a few minutes without kids at your heals. IF you do this early in the morning, you can get home when the kids are getting up and still have their help if you want it. Even just taking one or two can make things much easier than several.

 

 

I hope you work it all out...it can be so difficult sometimes just to get through the day to day. I can't imagine the move and job change on top of it.

 

 

 

P.S. Gently...Please use paragraph breaks, that was really hard to read. Even paragraphs need a break once in a while. :tongue_smilie: LOL

[Monk643]

I hope you are feeling less overwhelmed soon. Time for yourself, find someone to take the kids even if its just for an hour. That really is annoying about the doctor telling you that. Why can't you be frustrated sometimes as a homeschool mom. A big hug!

[scubamama]

Thanks everyone. It's a big encouragement to me to read the replies (as my 2yo cries in her bed b/c she doesn't want to go to sleep...).

I will use paragraph breaks from now on! I swear a solemn vow ;)

I really appreciate the encouragement. I will try again with dh when he returns. It's not like he doesn't care it's just he's got alot on his plate too and it's just easier for him to assume I can and WILL handle everything for the kids and household stuff.

I think I'll use the analogy of getting time off from a full time job - like he does for weekends. I have tried this approach before with mixed success. He doesn't like it b/c he feels like then he doesn't get a break on his day off from work. I can understand that , but sometimes it's just too bad. I don't make him get up in the night with sick kids since a) he never hears them anyhow and when prodded to go in he stands ther in a sleepy stupor and comes back in to get me anyhow b) He does have to be at work on time in the morning. I work too (as a mom) but generally I don't have time scedule to adhere to. I know some moms have their dh's help at night and that's great, it's just not a hill I'm willing to die on. Besides, I think that time is almost past for us.

Ok, time for some wine and chocolate! Kids are in bed...one crying, two not.

 

Michele

ds8 dd 5.5 dd almost 3!

[Osmosis Mom]

Michele,

 

You have gotten some nice pieces of advice. May I also suggest you add something like some great fish oil tablets to your diet and make sure you stay hydrated and well-slept? To me, these things make me physically and emotionally stronger and make all the difference in the world to me -and the kids!!

 

Also, don't forget to cut yourself some slack. The house doesn't have to look perfect. Make sure you do laugh a bit with the kids and enjoy them while keeping very strict bedtimes (perhaps with some privileges there for the oldest). I have always had a very early bedtime for my kids, until teenagehood, and that has probably been a lifesaver.

[AprilTN]

Does your church have midweek services? If so, enroll your kids and find a quiet place that you can relax while they are in class.

[scubamama]

Wow - I didn't even think of the dietary supplements. That's a great idea! I do try to maintain an healthy diet - green smoothies and lots of natural unprocessed stuff. BUt I never thought of supp's.

My house is what I call "cleaned by little helpers" - the kids all do chores from wiping the bathroom to garbage, vacuuming, and dusting and general pickup. It's not perfect but it's done with mild tidiness in mind but more an attitude of "family works together".

Believe me these guys get loads of fun time -co op buddies at least 2x a week and stuff at the Y 2x a week too, plus trips to the playground and general sofa reading snuggle time...

I'm a big one for bedtime and quiet time. I don't think I'll ever give up quiet time! You have to watch SWB's youtube on that - funny!

[Peela]

When you say quiet time- are you getting a good couple of hours every afternoon, plus say, after 7.30pm at night? And do you take that time for yourself to rest, read, have a bath, and take care of yourself? That is what has kept me balanced over the years, although now with teens, I get a lot more time to myself.

I am much better with older kids than I was with younger kids. I didnt handle the constant touching and demanding for attention of younger kids, even though I also wanted to give it. I used to do things like take the kids to a park that was fenced in, and take a book and sit outside the fence on the grass and just "switch off" and let them play. I would run a bath, put on a movie for them, and disappear.

Can you book one evening a week for something for yourself? Then either dh or a babysitter has the kids.

I didnt use babysitters often but we did use them. We didn't have family either. I even put the kids into some family daycare to give me 2 half days off a week to be alone or spend time with dh. The fmaily daycare system here is great- it is just women in their homes- and the kids were fine.

Are you being so overprotective you wont let your kids be with anyone else but dh? There are many options, but you might be limiting yourself unecessarily.

[Heidi7Sue]

Something for your long-term to do list: Find a doctor who is not dismissive about homeschooling.

 

As for getting dh to understand that you need a break: Does he get 2 days off every week? Is there some reason that you should get 0 days off every week? Many guys are pretty logical, and if you add up how many hours each day or week he spends at work, and then compare that with how many hours you spend being "on-duty," they will start to get it. What I don't know is his work situation. If he's doing a lot of overtime in a high-pressure situation, he may be able to sympathize with you, but not really help much. (Though, in my case, just having dh recognize what things are like for me helps immensely. Being appreciated does wonders for my stamina.)

[Rosie_0801]

Is this normal? Do Other moms just perservere? Is that the answer? Does being a Christian HS mom mean completely sacrificing any needs I have? Am I crazy for feeling like I have too much on my plate right now?

 

Yes it's normal.

Yes, some of us have no choice but to perservere (and we deal with that by mooching online as much as we can, pretending not to exist. Oh, when we're not locking ourselves in the bathroom crying or shouting.)

It is not a problem limited to Christians ;)

You are not crazy for feeling this way. You are miserable.

 

See if you can find a cleaner to come in for a few hours every week. Dreadful as it sounds, having someone to come and vacuum or wash dishes each week really helps. I had a young friend of ours come. He was slow and didn't do a particularly good job, but I didn't pay him much either. It was enough to keep us from drowning in crumbs and enough to pay for his movie habit :)

 

If your hubby won't help, and he really should help, you could try crying and barricading yourself in the bedroom. That worked for me when I got desperate. :( Dh doesn't really want a mad woman caring for his kids!

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[WishboneDawn]

I I am a Christian and prayer and scripture have helped but I really am overwhelmed. Is this normal? Do Other moms just perservere? Is that the answer? Does being a Christian HS mom mean completely sacrificing any needs I have?

 

I'm fighting this same thing right now. I've been dealing with some personal losses and big upheaval in the last 8 months and I've just had to finally realize that I need to make my family my ministry and shave off everything that doesn't fit that goal.

 

What that does NOT mean however is that I give up those things I personally enjoy and gives me rewards outside my family life (for eaxmple - I'm giving up an administrative position in my Girl Guide district but will likely keep being a unit leader, something that's truly rewarding). Making sure I'm meeting my social, intellectual, etc. needs is something that enriches my family and makes me a better and more balanced wife and mother.

 

Sacrificing myself for their "good" is not admirable or virtuous or, in my books, Christian. For me at least it's a selfish way of justifying my failure to keep myself healthy. It's enjoying the role of martyr. It leads to resentment, guilt and bitterness and makes me a cheerless and uninspiring wife and mother.

 

It takes some work and seems like more bother then it's worth at times but even if you can find 20 minutes to take a walk by yourself for a start. Something physical and restorative. At least that's what my councillor recommended last week. :) I've settled on pulling weeds and turning soil for a 1/2 or so a day while the kids are left to the mercies of the Wii.

[NavyWifeandMommy]

:grouphug:

[scubamama]

Sigh...I am positive I'm not being over protective. The kids certainly are involved in plenty of outside activities and have been watched by a few sitters/families...it's that no one wants to take on the 2 year old. It makes it hard to trade! I get the "I can watch your older kids and then we can swap next week" deal. The bigs love it - they're with friends but I then have the crying, upset 2 year old who feels left out.

 

I decided to start putting my 2yo in the childcare while the bigs are in swim or PE at the Y...

Until Dh gets back I'm pretty tied to the house here. We're super short on money as we're buying a fixer upper this month. SO hiring someone is not realistic rightnow. It all feels like the perfect storm to a tired out mom. I'll be closing on it while DH is away. All the details of that are driving me nuts.

The kids all have a 2 hour quiet time in the afternoon and then a 8pm bedtime, so that is good.

DH is in a high pressure job so it's not like he can drop it and run home. Currently, he's in the Bermuda triangle waiting to track the rocket his company will launch Friday.

Well, each day is a new day. Summer is almost here so the work load should get easier in terms of making everyone listen and do their work while fighting off the 2yo

Thanks for listening,

 

Michele

[Parrothead]

If your hubby won't help, and he really should help, you could try crying and barricading yourself in the bedroom. That worked for me when I got desperate. :( Dh doesn't really want a mad woman caring for his kids!

 

 

 

This is going to have to be my next step. :lol:

[fairfarmhand]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have 4 kids and we live HOURS away from any family members. I HAD to make my littles stay in the church nursery at this age, even if they were screaming and crying. Thankfully, our nursery workers were fabulous and would hold a crying child and do everything in their power to not have to go get mom out of the service, because I REALLY needed the break. Just to not have someone touching me for an hour was heavenly!

 

One thing I have done in the past was to keep doors of certain rooms closed during the day, especially my room. I wouldn't do laundry in there or anything. Then during quiet time there was one room in the house where I could relax and not be bothered by a mess.

 

It is definitely a good idea to put the 2 yo in the child care during swim time. The more she is left behind and then later sees you come back, she will get better about being there. She will probably in a few weeks make some friends and enjoy the time there!

[ChrisN in NY]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I have found that for myself, when i am struggling the most with getting it all done, it's because I am trying to do it all in my own strength instead of looking to the Lord for strength, and sometimes because I'm trying to take care of things I don't need to be right now.

 

Praying for you.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Does your church offer any women's retreats? If so, perhaps you can schedule that, arrange for dh to be home and just go without guilt. I know that helped me tremendously when I was just spent.