This could really be a S/O of half of the things on the board right now....

[Jen in PA]

It's about priorities and money and what other people think. My stepmother, who has been married to my dad for about 18 months, came to visit a month ago. She extended a business trip so that she could spend time with us, and stayed at a nearby hotel. We all swam together there, she treated us to lunch, took the kids shopping for goodies, we had her over for dinner. It was pretty much what I expected, a nice little visit with her new grandbabies.

 

Fast forward to today and a message my uncle left on my answering machine about the visit. It seems that my stepmother told my grandmother, who repeated to my uncle (yes, I have one of those families where there is no privacy) about how tight we are on money. Now, on one hand this is true. DH lost his job last year, and is back in school full-time. Our car is far from fancy -- but it runs and is incredibly fuel-efficient, so we see it as great. Our house is far from fancy, and it's not huge, but we have a massive yard, the kids have rooms full of toys and games, and it's cozy. We live in a neighborhood full of friendly kids who flock to our yard to play with the dc. It is certainly as nice as what I grew up in. On every other thing where I feel money matters, we have no worries. The kids have tons of clothes, get to take co-op classes (paid for out of my co-op teacher pay), just got a nice keyboard and are learning to play, get taken to tons of great events (mainly free and low-cost), etc. The house is warm in cold weather. We eat far, far better than most people I know, including those who make much more money. Despite the loss of employment, my kids have never missed a checkup or a dental visit, or had to skip a party they were invited to. DH sought out grants to pay for his schooling, and ended up getting more than he bargained for; he will finish one degree program at the end of the week, but is on his way to the first night of classes for a new program right now. Tuition and books were completely covered by grants, so no additional debt. We have been so thrilled with how well we have managed, and with how living carefully when he was working has paid huge dividends now, when it really counts.

 

But my stepmother saw ....well, I guess she saw everything else. She saw the worn kitchen floor. She commented that my stove is the same as the one that was in her house when she bought it 20 years ago, and promptly replaced. She saw that our tvs and primary computer are hand-me-downs or old (we have a hand-me-down tv that is older than I am, but it works!). She saw the things that just plain don't matter to us at all, and made a judgment based on that, and has now managed to worry other members of my family. I am sure she is only trying to show her concern, and I know that she is big on giving kids all the best and newest things. It's just so hard to have our situation judged by someone with such different priorities. It's so awful to feel like we are being pitied.

 

I just needed to vent, and when I came on here and saw the threads about paying for outside activities and stretching grocery money, it really hit home. It helps to see that I'm not alone in having to pick and choose what matters most for our family. I just really wish I didn't have to deal with misperceptions on top of difficult realities.

[Kimm in WA]

UGH, we've been dealing with strange stepmom issues as well.

 

They have different priorities. They should not force theirs on you just like you don't force yours on theirs. Stick to your guns. You are living a "RICH" homeschool life - you and your family are blessed!!

 

:grouphug:

 

Kimm

[BridgeTea]

Jen, sounds like you are doing a great job taking care of your family and your priorities. You should definitely be admired, not pitied!

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

 

I'm really sorry.

 

Your stepmother needs to be told that her gossip has hurt you.

[FaithManor]

Well, you probably just need to pass the bean dip on this one.

 

But, I'll say this....she's only been married to your father for 18 months which means that she isn't really your step-mother. A step-mother is generally someone who was actually around and even possibly took an interest in your up-bringing. She is merely your dad's wife long after you were grown. She has over-stepped her bounds. Yes, she may be enthusiastic about your children but she has to build the relationship with you and the kids in order to be "entitled to an opinion".

 

I'd over look this unless she makes a habit of calling the relatives with her personal opinion of your life. If she makes this a habit, then you'll have to say something.

 

Faith, possibly not in the best frame of mind concerning extended family members as I have one today that I'd drop-ship to the South Pole if it were an option.

[katemary63]

I totally understand what you are saying. I know it's hard, but you have to "own" your own decisions and be proud of them and stand true with them, IYKWIM. When someone says something about it to you, you could just look puzzled and say, "Well, I just don't know what you mean at all. We have all our needs met and many of our wants and we're very happy."

 

I have a tiny house that needs a lot of repair inside and out. We could add on, I guess, but I don't know if that will happen. We are slowly working on it, but with a farm and homeschooling and a husband that works fulltime off farm, there is little time (or money) for the house. Basically, we fix what HAS to be fixed to keep it going. So, with what little time (and money) we have left, should we work, work, work on the house? Or maybe enjoy some recreation as a family? We choose to enjoy our horse hobby. We also have a gym membership because we absolutely have to be fit to run this farm. As we age, it is getting even more imparative that we keep up our strength.

 

I have a very close friend who is constantly saying she can't afford this and she can't afford that. She has a brand spanking new, very nice, very decorated, large home. Her DH is an engineer and she is a nurse, working part time. They undoubtedly have WAY more income then we do. But when I tell her I'm going to the gym, she says, "Oh, I wish I could afford a gym membership!" And when I go riding she says, "Someday, I'll be able to afford a horse again!" (She had them as a kid.)

 

Neither of us is wrong. But I sure wish she would "own" her decisions and stop calling attention to how mine are different! But anyway, life is full of choices and priorities and people are so different. That's just the way it is. The problem comes when someone places their priorities on others like your stepmother did. She needs to open her eyes and her mind a little, is all, and realize that everyone's perspective and priorities are different.

[Jann in TX]

Tread carefully. This issue can split/break families... and most of the time it is over PETTY things. GOSSIP hurts EVERYONE.

 

When the 'gossip' got back to you, You probably did what "I" did several years ago--you took it personal and NEGATIVE. Most likely it was a TRUE observation... but the fact that it was the object of gossip blew it out of proportion...and it became a personal insult.

 

You have a choice... you can continue to let the gossip tear your heart (and your family) apart--or you can do the HARDEST thing--and let it go... Love your step mother because your father does. If you start to despise her you will be despising something your father treasures... and that will ultimately hurt the relationship you have with your father.

 

My words are not meant to be hurtful... they come from PERSONAL experience... our family is still broken because of similar petty issues... The past few years I've been able to move on--and to not let any comments/gossip from my step mother bother me. I also stopped listening to ANY family gossip (comments that are not meant for any good). I am also VERY careful about NOT giving my step-mother anything to 'gossip' about... I'm careful with my words around her (well they live out of state so our conversations are mostly by phone or e-mail)... If she makes a critical comment about me or another family member I politely drop the conversation... and refuse to pick it back up the next time we are together.

 

I've come to realize that my step mother was NOT intentionally trying to pry into my family life--she was NOT trying to judge how good I was at parenting... she was just trying to understand our family dynamics ... everyone else has been around long enough to know them... and she was/is desiring to get to know us as FAMILY--not polite strangers... I just wish it would have come about differently!

[Mergath]

It's all about perspective. 90% of the world would consider you to be financially very, very wealthy.

 

Also, your sm sounds quite materialistic and about as deep as a rain puddle. I mean, who judges others on the newness of their oven? Really?

 

If anyone says anything to me about my stuff being old/worn/not good enough in some way, I just tell them that we're an environmentally conscious family, and we don't throw things away that still work perfectly well.

[Tap]

To some people, having the latest, greatest material items is very important to them. They really, really enjoy feeling like they are getting the best things in life. Th They are willing to feel the pressure of debt. To them the freedom that little luxuries afford them are worth the time spent to earn the money to pay for them. It is just a personality trait that some people have. These people have figured out a way to pay for these toys. They may be sacrificing investing in a retirement. They may be gambling with having a low savings account....it is a risk they are willing to take. Some people make more money, choose to have fewer children, choose to have no yard for a bigger house. Some may feel that having a nice home with nice flooring is a need because they wouldn't feel comfortable in a home without it. It is very very important to them. Their home is nice, and they want it to make it feel nice too. It isn't a bad way to live, but it their preference.

 

 

(I am taking some liberties her based on your post)

You on the other hand see the value in kids free playing in the yard. You enjoy watching them have experiences but are willing to fight a crowd to do it on the 'free days' or enjoy finding free activities. You don't seem to feel that kids need private lessons, that having the experience of many things outweighs extensive experience of one. You want to live life, let your children live free of materialism, and value being content. You prioritize basic needs, but don't feel that you have to have a $2,000 stove tops to cook the same dinner you could have on the 20yo. You may feel more comfortable piling a bunch of kids in your older car that you own, than a luxury car that you don't.

 

I personally hate having bills. I would love a nicer car, but the stress of a tighter budget to afford it, outweighs the luxury. My idea of luxury is not owing anyone for anything!

 

Everyone makes choices about priorities. Everyone has a different list of what a want vs. a need is.

 

 

To you, you may not be able to understand the person who values things. They will not be able to understand you.

 

Instead of being irritated about it, just recognize that you are different people with different priorities. You could probably make comments about her life, just like she did yours. To you, the flooring isn't affecting the laughter and joy in your home. You value these over a floor. Sure if you had extra money you would like it fixed, but it is a want, not a need. Choose to value what she is great at, and discard the rest. If she wants to waste her time thinking about your financial situation or your lack of the latest, greatest, don't worry about it. She is only seeing your situation from her point of view. Don't we all? We all look at other's lives from our own corner of the world. I wouldn't immediately think that she was pitying you. I would assume that she couldn't understand you instead.

 

Let it go! Accept who you are, and who she is. Love her for who she represents to you and your family, not because of her personal philosophies on material possessions.

[angela in ohio]

Well, shame on your uncle for telling you! And your grandmother for telling him! If she is a trouble-making gossip, it needs to be contained by those who love you!! :glare:

 

Hold your head high. You are giving your kiddos security and a peaceful mom. Those who live on credit or the edge to have fancy lives and new things don't sleep well at night, and the wolf is always right around the corner. Your children are learning from your dh that you apply yourself, learn more, and better your situation. That's better than any new appliance or electronic gadget!!

[mooooom]

which it really doesn't sound like, I think she sounds like a sweet concerned "grandma" who was trying to apply a little 'misguided help".

Honestly, any family with kids, a mom show stays home w/ them, a dh in school, w/o a job right now. Well, duh, who wouldn't be a little strapped. When my dh was out of work, my parents kept checking in to make sure we didn't need anything, and paid for my kids extracurricular activities until we got back on our feet (this wasn't a necessity, but they wanted to help out). We just smiled and said thank you. It was because they loved us.

[Jen in PA]

You have all made some great points.

 

Honestly, I am not really angry, so much as stressed out. She isn't saying that money is tight as a judgment on how hard we work, or on how much we love the kids, but she feels sorry for us and somehow that's much worse to me. And I know she only went to my grandmother because she is the family member in the best position to offer assistance if we needed it. And I know my grandmother only went to my uncle because she knows that he is extremely close to me, and would likely be able to offer a clearer perspective.

 

I should probably also clarify that I am not at all close with my father. I have spoken with him for maybe a total of 15 minutes over the past year. Everytime he does talk to me he asks how old the kids are now and how they are doing in school. My children have never gone to school. He never answered the messages I left him around the time DH lost his job, and was actually angry with me when he found out about it months later. It was only after realizing that every single other member of the family had known for months that he had to admit that he hadn't talked to me and that I hadn't intentionally kept it from him.

 

But as strained as my relationship with my father is, I see his wife trying so hard to be friendly. She sends cards at all of the birthdays, emails to see what sizes the kids are wearing so she can pick out clothes for them, etc. She and I could not be less alike, but I think we both really want to get along. And we really are very different. She took me, my sisters, and her daughter to a salon the day before the wedding as a sort of bonding experience. When I confessed that I had never had a salon pedicure before, and had only had manicures before job interviews, she was shocked. She goes to the salon twice a month, minimum. Different priorities, I just didn't foresee how deeply she felt about those differences.

 

And now that I am a bit calmer about the whole thing, I am realizing that a lot of what upset me about that message was that DH had to hear it. He has worked so hard, both on the job and in school, and I feel that hearing that my family is talking about this really undermines his efforts. I am planning to talk to my uncle to let him know why I think she perceived things as she did. He's a lot like me, so I know he'll understand. I am going to reassure my grandmother that I am being honest when I say that we are fine and that I will let her know if that ever ceases to be the case. And I am going to say nothing at all to my stepmother. There's really nothing to say, so I'm going to let it slide.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just an aside, I would interpret your dad asking how your kids are doing in school as meaning how they are doing in their studies.

[Jen in PA]

Just an aside, I would interpret your dad asking how your kids are doing in school as meaning how they are doing in their studies.

 

I wish that was the case! But other family members told me (see previous note on my family's privacy problem) that when they mentioned that we homeschool he corrected them and said that DD has started going to school now, but DS is still at home with me because of his age. He assured them that I only kept them home instead of sending them to preschool. Zero basis in reality, but that's what he has decided.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I wish that was the case! But other family members told me (see previous note on my family's privacy problem) that when they mentioned that we homeschool he corrected them and said that DD has started going to school now, but DS is still at home with me because of his age. He assured them that I only kept them home instead of sending them to preschool. Zero basis in reality, but that's what he has decided.

 

Talk about denial!

[Laurie4b]

It sounds to me like it was an expression of concern. I'm sorry if it hurt your dh's sense of how he was providing for his family but that was your uncle being careless about what he said on an answering machine. I think it's okay for people to be concerned and want to help you out. We're the same way in terms of our home being smaller and our furniture second-hand, etc. It's a result of our choices to have 4 kids and give them a lot of lessons, etc. instead of accumulating stuff. But I don't take it badly if one of our relatives wants to help out--I consider it a gift and a blessing.

[CalicoKat]

It's about priorities and money and what other people think. My stepmother, who has been married to my dad for about 18 months, came to visit a month ago. She extended a business trip so that she could spend time with us, and stayed at a nearby hotel. We all swam together there, she treated us to lunch, took the kids shopping for goodies, we had her over for dinner. It was pretty much what I expected, a nice little visit with her new grandbabies.

 

Fast forward to today and a message my uncle left on my answering machine about the visit. It seems that my stepmother told my grandmother, who repeated to my uncle (yes, I have one of those families where there is no privacy) about how tight we are on money. Now, on one hand this is true. DH lost his job last year, and is back in school full-time. Our car is far from fancy -- but it runs and is incredibly fuel-efficient, so we see it as great. Our house is far from fancy, and it's not huge, but we have a massive yard, the kids have rooms full of toys and games, and it's cozy. We live in a neighborhood full of friendly kids who flock to our yard to play with the dc. It is certainly as nice as what I grew up in. On every other thing where I feel money matters, we have no worries. The kids have tons of clothes, get to take co-op classes (paid for out of my co-op teacher pay), just got a nice keyboard and are learning to play, get taken to tons of great events (mainly free and low-cost), etc. The house is warm in cold weather. We eat far, far better than most people I know, including those who make much more money. Despite the loss of employment, my kids have never missed a checkup or a dental visit, or had to skip a party they were invited to. DH sought out grants to pay for his schooling, and ended up getting more than he bargained for; he will finish one degree program at the end of the week, but is on his way to the first night of classes for a new program right now. Tuition and books were completely covered by grants, so no additional debt. We have been so thrilled with how well we have managed, and with how living carefully when he was working has paid huge dividends now, when it really counts.

 

But my stepmother saw ....well, I guess she saw everything else. She saw the worn kitchen floor. She commented that my stove is the same as the one that was in her house when she bought it 20 years ago, and promptly replaced. She saw that our tvs and primary computer are hand-me-downs or old (we have a hand-me-down tv that is older than I am, but it works!). She saw the things that just plain don't matter to us at all, and made a judgment based on that, and has now managed to worry other members of my family. I am sure she is only trying to show her concern, and I know that she is big on giving kids all the best and newest things. It's just so hard to have our situation judged by someone with such different priorities. It's so awful to feel like we are being pitied.

 

I just needed to vent, and when I came on here and saw the threads about paying for outside activities and stretching grocery money, it really hit home. It helps to see that I'm not alone in having to pick and choose what matters most for our family. I just really wish I didn't have to deal with misperceptions on top of difficult realities.

I guess I'd be snarky and call her up and say something like, "It isn't like we're in credit card debt because we're trying to maintain a lifestyle we can't afford. But I suppose that would have been more acceptable to you."

[Mejane]

It sounds to me like it was an expression of concern. I'm sorry if it hurt your dh's sense of how he was providing for his family but that was your uncle being careless about what he said on an answering machine. I think it's okay for people to be concerned and want to help you out. We're the same way in terms of our home being smaller and our furniture second-hand, etc. It's a result of our choices to have 4 kids and give them a lot of lessons, etc. instead of accumulating stuff. But I don't take it badly if one of our relatives wants to help out--I consider it a gift and a blessing.

 

I agree, and I'm surprised at how everyone seems to be interpreting this as mean-spirited. :001_huh:

[Mergath]

I agree, and I'm surprised at how everyone seems to be interpreting this as mean-spirited. :001_huh:

 

We're probably projecting our issues with our own family members. ;)

[angela in ohio]

It sounds to me like it was an expression of concern. I'm sorry if it hurt your dh's sense of how he was providing for his family but that was your uncle being careless about what he said on an answering machine. I think it's okay for people to be concerned and want to help you out. We're the same way in terms of our home being smaller and our furniture second-hand, etc. It's a result of our choices to have 4 kids and give them a lot of lessons, etc. instead of accumulating stuff. But I don't take it badly if one of our relatives wants to help out--I consider it a gift and a blessing.

 

I assumed because she was spreading it through the family instead of asking OP directly if they needed help that it was just for gossip. I would like to be wrong about that, though. :001_smile:

[Slartibartfast]

You sound much like me.:)

 

We are ok, I don't really notice how old my stove is or that my dryer only has one setting. It is funny how little things just really don't matter.

 

I did have a bit of an eye opener. I saw my exact couch in a photo on that awkward family photos website, it wasn't a recent photo either. I think we probably should get a new one. :lol:

[missmoe]

I wouldn't think the "grandma" in the situation was gossiping or being snarky. I think she was probably feeling out the family situation. Maybe she was wondering if other family members already know about the situation. Was there already something being done? Should she be concerned? Could she help in some way? I picture her as a new family member "feeling" her way around.

 

I love the replies in this thread. We do need to recongnize the financial choices we make. And we need to own them. This is something I needed to hear. We made a hard choice a few years ago that took us out of a large home in a wonderful neighborhood, and put us into a small townhouse in an okay but often depressing neighborhood. But it was our choice! So many don't have even that choice to make. I'm going to work on owning this choice and not keep apoligizing and making excuses for where we live!

[kalanamak]

I would just try to ignore it. If you have a close moment with her again, you could mention how every little thing gets passed around in the family. She may have no idea what she has married into.

 

I'm sure there are perfectly nice people at work who actually like me, but who, in the girly-lunches in the break room decry the fact I'm about the only non-patient there who doesn't wear make-up and I don't ("I'm so glad she wears loooong dresses") shave my legs. We are just from different worlds....

[KJsMom]

My idea of luxury is not owing anyone for anything!

 

:iagree: Although as several people have already mentioned, not everyone feels that way. My husband's family is much more materialistic than mine. It took some getting used to. His aunt and uncle especially pity us because we have so much less than their grown children, but I comfort myself with the thought that they have to bail their grown children out of debt every year at Christmas. It is their "gift".

 

I am sure that your step-mother was voicing a genuine concern, rather than gossiping about your family. She is probably like my husband's family who don't understand why I would chose to stay home with my kids and be 'poor' when I could get a job and buy more stuff. I would talk to her. I wouldn't neccessarily list everything you do have, but tell her that your needs are well provided for and that your husband won't be in school forever. I know it is hard to feel like you don't measure up, and it is so easy to be angry at the person who makes you feel that way, but I'm sure she had good intentions. :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

We live in a 70s ranch. I, yes me all by myself, pulled up all the original shag carpeting. :ack: Half of the house has vinyl tile (also ugly but not nasty). We haven't replaced the carpeting yet, not a priority really. We have concrete slab floor through part of the house. I don't see them anymore. It's much better than nasty carpet. My aunt came to visit for the day and immediately called my mother (who lives two states away) and asked if we were too poor to have flooring. :lol::001_huh::glare: After saying a few words under my breath, I had to let it go. We have different priorities than her. She didn't notice all the work we had done, just the floors. Such is life, people will see what they want. It's hard not to take it personally, but it's probably not meant that way. :grouphug: