Can we talk again about adolescents and close friendships (or lack thereof)?

[Colleen]

I've brought this up before and since nothing has changed and I'm feeling bad about it, I just feel the need to talk again. There's no solution ~ maybe there's not even a problem, per se ~ but it seems whenever we discuss subjects like this, I'm encouraged. So.

 

I'm sad that my oldest son doesn't have any close friends. To be honest, I even feel, in a sense, guilty about it. I had so many friends when I was growing up. No, all those friendships weren't all meaningful or worthwhile. And no, I didn't maintain most of those relationships beyond my school years. But the fact is that those connections did matter for me at that time in my life. It's really, really difficult for me to imagine going through adolescence without at least a couple of close friends.

 

I know my son's situation is different than mine was in a myriad of ways. For one thing (this is going to come as a real surprise to you:tongue_smilie:), he's a boy ~ and I dunno...maybe bosom buddies are more important to girls/women. For another, he's growing up with a cache of brothers, whereas by the time I was his age, I only had one brother (who wasn't around much) living at home. My parents also had to work a great deal, too, so my friends were really integral to my life.

 

I also know that kids can go to school and not necessarily develop any close friendships there. Ditto, if they live in a neighborhood. But the reality in our culture is that those are two primary means for young people to connect. My boys do a variety of things that bring them together with other children, but it's never resulted in any lasting friendships for my oldest. (And the same may very well be true for some of my other boys. I am talking here about my oldest because he's the one I'm most concerned about. Well, he and my second son. The younger three are all still at the age where they just play with whomever, whenever the chance arises, if you kwim.)

 

We've attended a small (roughly 150) church for ten years. The people there are like family, but there just aren't a great many boys my son's age. It's not uncommon for the middle school Sunday School class to be just him and one girl, or maybe a couple of other kids. There's one boy his age with whom he used to play when they were younger; they're still friendly, but their personalities and interests have diverged as they've grown. There's no youth group to speak of. I've considered having him go to a youth group at another church, but when I've checked them out they just...are so not appealing. And I can't imagine plonking him down in a youth group at another church is going to automatically result in any close friendships.

 

We're part of a great 4-H group, but none of the kids in there seem to have friendships beyond the superficial.

 

I organize a homeschool chess club. The other boys in there are nice kids. They like my boys and my boys like them. But they don't "click".

 

And then there's soccer. Over the years my oldest has played soccer with so many different boys, but not one lasting friendship has formed. I feel like all the kids just show up and play and go their separate ways. And I should point out that we live in a town where some families have very deep, extended roots. I can't count the number of times when we've tried to connect with people but their schedules are overflowing because they've got so many family functions to attend, etc.

 

All this year my oldest has been playing soccer with the same group of guys. They're all middle schoolers and he's the only one who's homeschooled. Next fall he'll play on the middle school team with them in addition to their rec league team. All of the guys get along really well. Obviously, I'm biased, but I think my son "fits in" well. There's one kid who he really gets along with and I've made a point of encouraging that friendship. I know this other boy enjoys my son, too, but with this kid it's another case of the over-packed schedule. And when my son has invited some of the other guys over, they're either getting together with a friend from school or doing something school-related. I had the entire team over in the fall for a post-season party and as far as I could tell everyone had a blast. Here we are with a farm and a river and a rec room with air hockey and foosball ~ but we definitely don't have the tech stuff a lot of kids are into these days, so maybe that's a strike against us.

 

Last week my son wanted so badly to have someone over and he tried something like four different guys. One was busy; the second was spending the night at the third's house ~ you get the idea. It just seems like these other guys see each other so much more (at school, I mean) and that naturally results in them hanging out together.

 

The more I think about it, the more I feel like my guys are almost...how should I say it...too "not homeschool-y" for the homeschool bunch, yet "too homeschool-y" for the schooled bunch. If that makes sense.

 

So I'm sad for my teen-to-be, wishing for his sake that just once the phone would ring and someone would invite him over. That at last he'd develop a true friendship with a good kid so he could have someone outside his own family to connect with on a meaningful basis.:sad:

[Mrs Mungo]

This is really a tough one.

 

I have to tell you-what I say in this arena comes from the perspective of a military wife. We move a lot, we have to spread roots quickly and deeply at times. Our community and lifestyle is different than the civilian world and so I could be *totally* off base in what I say as far as it applies to the civilian world.

 

The times my children have had trouble fostering friendships was because I wasn't fostering a friendship with the child-in-question's mother. Women frequently encourage friendships between their child and their friends' children and it sometimes leaves other kids out. I have found that if my child wants to become closer to a child, I have to seek out that mom and forge a friendship with her.

 

Have you tried something like this? Inviting mom and kids out for pizza after a game or anything?

 

Again, I could be WAY off base, it's just an idea based on my perception of my experiences (which, I admit, could also be skewed).

 

edited because I really want to add: this is *not* always easy for me. I'm sort of Mr. Darcy-ish. I tend to decide early on whether I click with a person or not. BUT, I have forced myself to engage and forge bonds with people I usually would have...well...written off (I'm not trying to sound mean about it or anything but it's hard to describe in other terms) and sometimes those have been wonderful and lasting friendships and I've been pleasantly surprised. I felt my initial post made it sound too easy and it's really not.

[Jenny in Atl]

This, I'm sure, is the very reason my dd12 wants to go to high school. She has a few friends through her drama group and a couple homeschool friends, but none are "bosom buddies." She sees how the kids who all go to school together click, and how she is always the outsider when it comes to jokes or stories that end, "You had to be there." I disagree that boys don't need friends the way girls do. Their friendships are different, but just as important. What's hard is finding kids, enough of them, open to friendships outside their comfort zone.

[Colleen]

I have found that if my child wants to become closer to a child, I have to seek out that mom and forge a friendship with her. Have you tried something like this? Inviting mom and kids out for pizza after a game or anything? Again, I could be WAY off base, it's just an idea based on my perception of my experiences (which, I admit, could also be skewed).

 

I can see the truth in this and I have to admit that at this point in my life, I'm not going out of my way to make new friends. When my oldest was younger, I did that more because I found it did open more doors to children playing together. But at this stage ~ when he's on the verge of 13 ~ that's not so much the case. I think moms by this stage are busier and more willing to let their kids develop their own friendships. The community I live in is quite different than the military way of life, too. Though my father retired from the Army when I was very young, I grew up right around both an Army and an Air Force base. The town where we live now is the polar opposite in that most people here are very rooted. The kind of place where five generations get together for Sunday dinner, kwim? So between the extended family and the being involved with the schools, most women are pretty "set" in the friendship department.

 

(Hope this doesn't sound like I'm just tossing out your input, btw. I appreciate your reply!)

[Colleen]

I'm glad you shared that; it does help. Gives me a glimmer of hope, anyway...

[Colleen]

nt

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

I could have written most of what you did about my two older boys. They are involved in church and other activities, they get invited to group activities at other kids homes, but they do not have any close or "best" friends. Except for my 17yo who now has a girlfriend. :glare:

 

My boys are definitely introverted like me and tend to guard their personal space. They don't have all the latest electronic stuff, don't watch a lot of television, or listen to a lot of modern music. They are well liked and not ignored in groups, but they don't get engaged in much one on one conversation outside of the group. I think part of it is there are not a lot of boys their ages that share the same personal interests, at least not in the groups we associate with.

 

Even so, it doesn't seem to be a big deal to them. Or maybe they have just accepted life the way it is. I don't feel like there is much I can do about it either. I tend to look at close friendships as minor miracles, they just don't happen all that often, but when they do you treasure them.

[Peela]

Two things come to my mind.

One is, I must admit I also have fostered relationships with mothers whose children mine clicked with, and I am not an overly social person at all, in fact sometimes its a challenge to keep up with the kids' socialising, because it usually involves me driving and me socialising too, but it did seem important when we were trying to find friends. May not be relevant to you Colleen but just thought I would share it.

The other is, well, life just doesn't always go the way we want it to, and its ok. You want what's best, your son wants friends, and for some reason its not clicking...so, theres not much point in getting too upset- I don't mean to be flippant, but sometimes there are lessons and stuff to learn when we don't get what we want, KWIM? he has brothers and a loving family, a farm lifestyle, he knows you care, life could be a lot worse. Maybe its worth focusing on the good stuff. You probably do, but I was just thinking how I would try and cope in that situation, not being able to give my son what his heart craved. You can only do what you can do, and wait for things to change, but no point throwing away the present for the future.

By the way, my son's best friend lives on a farm about 150kms away- we live in the city, on the other side to the side the farm is on! It makes for interesting situations and sometimes very long stays at a farm for my son, or having a guest over for a week at a time. Fortunately they see each other at some homeschooling functions.

Anyway, it must be a tough situation, I hope you can find a way to resolve it.

[JFSinIL]

it was my morning "lay in bed and fret about something before I get up" topic ;).

 

My ds, 16, has no friends. Sure, he'll shat for a bit with the year-younger boy across the street IF that boy comes over (about once a week or month or so) but he tires of him easily and is relieved when he goes home again. DS goes to public high school - he will chat after school and remark on silly things kids ahve done in class, but he NEVER calls or invites anyone over, nor does anyone call him. Male or female. Last month, when he missed a week of school due to the flu, he came home after his first day back very chatty about how surprised he was that people welcomed him back, seemed to have missed him, etc. - students and teachers. So I know he is not unknown at school.

 

I just find it a tad sad - my kid brother always had friends over, or calling, or was at their homes. DS is much more like me - I also was a loner. Hubby, I think, was, too (and had a gregarious younger brother of his own!)

[Old Dominion Heather]

Last week my son wanted so badly to have someone over and he tried something like four different guys. One was busy; the second was spending the night at the third's house ~ you get the idea. It just seems like these other guys see each other so much more (at school, I mean) and that naturally results in them hanging out together.

 

The more I think about it, the more I feel like my guys are almost...how should I say it...too "not homeschool-y" for the homeschool bunch, yet "too homeschool-y" for the schooled bunch. If that makes sense.

 

So I'm sad for my teen-to-be, wishing for his sake that just once the phone would ring and someone would invite him over. That at last he'd develop a true friendship with a good kid so he could have someone outside his own family to connect with on a meaningful basis.:sad:

 

Wow... I could have written this except my oldest is only eight. He was crying yesterdy because he said he feels like he has no friends... Not true of course, he does have a few, but his closest friend we don't see that often. We are attending a new church for the first time in his life. He knew everyone at the old church and was loved. Now he is another face in the crowd, though they are all very nice to him.

 

He is not very outgoing. After six months, he only knows ONE kid's name in his SS class. And he cried because he couldn't invite any of them over on a weekday... Well, that is hard if you don't know first OR last names!

 

His assignment for next week is to learn names. I am going to try to have someone (anyone) over next week. But I can see this issue looming in our future. He is just not socially outgoing.

 

I hope you get lots more good replies. :grouphug: I need them, too.

[Kelli in TN]

As my son was climbing into the van last night after church, after middle school youth group that he absolutely loves, he said to me "Everyone has a circle of friends except for me."

 

My son is immature and a bit squirrely. He is still more little boy than leaning towards manhood. Most of the boys in his youth group are bigger, hairer, they have deeper voices (or at least voices that are changing), and are interested in girls. They are just a different place than Gabriel and they don't care to hang out with him.

 

There was a boy in 4H that he likes a lot but they do not come regularly. He has a couple of friends in scouts, including one homeschooled boy. (Which reminds me, I need to get them together!)

 

All that to say, I know how much it hurts to wish for more for your child.

 

In my case I cannot say "Gee, maybe going to school would help" because Gabriel is the sort of kid who would be chewed up and spit on the sidewalk by the nasty social structure of our local middle schools. Nope, not going there. No way, no how.

 

I think it hurts as much to be the parent watching kids go through these hard growing pains as it did to go through them ourselves.

[Nestof3]

Colleen,

 

You sound like you're doing a great job trying to find ways for your son to enjoy the company of others. I do think close friendships are as a whole not as important to young men, just as they aren't as important to grown men (of course, there's an exception somewhere just as there always is).

 

I wish I had some suggestions for you, but I quite honestly do not.

 

Could you let others that you know -- families you are comfortable with -- that you would love to find a buddy for your son. Sometimes friends of friends can bring people together.

 

Our eldest's closest friend (he really only has 2 at this point) is the son of a family who was friends with a family we homechurch with. This family we meet with said we really need to meet this other family because they have a boy Aaron's age, because the husband is in similar work as my husband, and because our life goals and vision are similar.

[Colleen]

I appreciate the replies, advice, empathy, and encouragement. It helps to know I'm not alone in this, and you've given me some good food for thought, too.:grouphug:

[Adrianne]

No I do not have any teenagers and mine are young BUT.....

 

One of the reasons I h/s is because I want my boys to have a close family relationship, especially with each other. I am not saying I am best friends with my kids but we do enjoy each other's company and have fun together. I hope this continues as they grow. I hope that as teenagers they can come to me or dh (the wise adults ;)) with problems rather than their "friends" (the not so wise teenagers).

 

Is he close with his brothers? Is he friends with them? Brothers are forever.

 

Just some thoughts Colleen! I hope you find peace on this issue soon!

[battlemaiden]

here's my "thump in the head" moment.

 

We live in a very Hawaiian/local neighborhood. Nary a homeschooler for miles that I know about, but tons of kids. Actually tons of boys. They ride by our house every afternoon on their rip-sticks and bikes and generally hoot and holler. My son sometimes looks at their situation longingly. He gets along with them, but they don't "click". These neighbors have grown up together.

 

They also seem to speak their own language. They ooze cool and my son doesn't know the TV shows, video games, or movies of which they speak. He can get along with anyone, but in groups he looks like he is trying to "catch up". I have been sad for him. I want him to have friends, but with "good" boys, nice and genuine fellas'. This morning I looked out my window to see a police officer drop off one of these boys to his home. :glare: I guess waiting and praying for the right friend isn't such a bad idea.

 

Jo

[Doran]

I'm glad this post found its way back to the first page. I had seen it the other evening, meant to remark, then forgot about it as it disappeared from my view. (Sorry..I'm a bit like Dory of Finding Nemo some days. )

 

I remember posting something along these lines on the old board. Maybe it was a year or more ago - when this wave of "needing others" came over my oldest (now 13). At the time, the two girls she used to see somewhat often seemed disinterested in being with her. One had been homeschooled and had just returned to public high school (and she quickly adopted a puppy...I mean, a boyfriend...who stole her heart and all her time. Thank goodness that ended, for myriad reasons!). The other girl goes to private school and is super involved in sports, school activities, etc. She was rarely available. It was a very sad, lonely time for my daughter, and I worried that I wasn't doing enough to offer her opportunities to meet people.

 

Man, I tried! I enrolled dd in a few additional programs where I thought she'd find similar age girls. I allowed her to call friends all the time, even when I didn't really feel like hosting a friend, just to see if something would fit. It almost never fit. I spent an afternoon shopping with two girls and their mother (do you KNOW how much I hate to shop?) under the misimpression that the outing might help spark a new relationship between the girls and my dd. Despite the fact that they lived 45 minutes away. We were that desperate.

 

None of it worked. The old friends stayed "busy", and somewhat distant for that entire year. The new friends never materialized. I could see the hurt in dd's eyes, but she didn't complain a lot. I felt so terrible for her, and there was next to nothing to be done about it.

 

Now, things are different. Not because dd has a load of new friends -- she doesn't. But, today, a year and half to two years later, dd is suddenly "acceptable" again to the two older girls. It's as if once she passed into teenage-hood, it all began to change. I could see that dd had shifted a bit. Though she'd always been fairly mature, she matured. And, I think the friends did, too. What I'm saying is perhaps there is a period of time just before he hits his teens that will be especially tricky and then the doors will start to open.

 

I must also say that there have been ways in which we parents have chosen to "relax" a bit on some of the hard standards we had set down. For example, we now allow dd to have an email account. She emails back and forth with a handful of friends, some of whom she rarely sees, and in that way (weird as it seems to us) she feels connected. She has an iPod (because her grandparents honored her request for one) and is allowed to download music of which we approve. We invested in two cell phones this Christmas - no texting - and I admit to enjoying the convenience of having one. Dd 13 feels very proud of hers and it most definitely makes her feel...what...normal? She has a Webkinz (not that your guy would go there). She's allowed to borrow movies from the library and watch them on weekends, and we're not horribly restrictive about what she watches, to be frank. No R ratings, but we don't restrict her to little girl films any longer.

 

I know that to many here, allowing "worldly" indulgences like these seem extravagant at best and wrong or sinful at worst. I don't know if these are suggestions you could entertain or if it would go against your principles. I'm just telling you some of the things we have done which seemed to bridge the gap between our homeschooled daughter and the rest of the teen world. I remember when I crossed that threshold of wanting to feel like I fit in. I remember arguing with my mother over my desire for a pair of platform shoes which, admittedly, probably looked shockingly funny on me. She finally compromised on a pair she could tolerate. It meant the world to me!

 

A pair of brothers we have known for years (who are now both in school, I might add...but this was before) seemed to do rather well in the friendship department, despite being homeschooled and living on their family's farm. Their parents are devout Christians, and they were also the "cool ones" who built their boys a skateboard ramp, who installed a zip line, who let their kids use four wheelers and Go-carts, and who had semi-regular pot-luck gatherings which included a passel of families and a bonfire...always a bonfire. There were boys hanging out there, all the time, day and night. And, not necessarily the kind of boys you'd expect to be friendly with the "good Christian kids", with their long hair and their smoking parents. But, they were always well behaved at this house. And, I think the parents helped shape the moral fiber of those friends somewhat.

 

I fear I've written too much. I'm sorry if I've gone off down a rabbit trail that leads nowhere for you. I just wanted to give you any ideas I could to help you and your boy(s) through this time. In the end, he will be stronger from having experienced this. It will give him compassion for lonely people down the road. It will help him treasure his friends. And, they will come. He's a great kid who's a little in between right now. In time, it will all come together, I feel sure.

 

Meanwhile, I'm sorry. I know how troubling this can be.

 

 

Doran

 

 

(Who has no siggy yet, but whose two daughters are 13 and 11)

[Bess]

What do you mean by "homeschooly"?

[Colleen]

One of the reasons I h/s is because I want my boys to have a close family relationship, especially with each other.

 

Oh, I agree! And yes, my boys are all very close. They know how fortunate and blessed they are to have one another. But the reality is that as children evolve into young adults, they usually desire some relationships beyond the boundaries of their family. That's healthy. Not that it should come at the cost of family relationships, of course.:)

[Colleen]

What do you mean by "homeschooly"?

 

I said: "The more I think about it, the more I feel like my guys are almost...how should I say it...too "not homeschool-y" for the homeschool bunch, yet "too homeschool-y" for the schooled bunch. If that makes sense." I realize that pseudo-explanation/description very well may not make sense to others. And I almost...hesitate to expand upon the thought for fear of causing offense or being accused of generalizing.:001_huh:

[Mrs Mungo]

 

I said: "The more I think about it, the more I feel like my guys are almost...how should I say it...too "not homeschool-y" for the homeschool bunch, yet "too homeschool-y" for the schooled bunch. If that makes sense." I realize that pseudo-explanation/description very well may not make sense to others. And I almost...hesitate to expand upon the thought for fear of causing offense or being accused of generalizing.:001_huh:

 

Admit it, they don't wear denim jumpers, do they? :lol:

 

Excellent post, Doran, really eye-opening, I think.

[Liz CA]

I've considered having him go to a youth group at another church, but when I've checked them out they just...are so not appealing. And I can't imagine plonking him down in a youth group at another church is going to automatically result in any close friendships.

post a panic cry over the fact that ds is having six, 16yo, strapping ,testosterone laden friends over for his birthday - and we have no girls in this house except me, an old girl.

 

I also remember when things looked quite different here. We live in a remote area with no neighbors with children. The big change came when we switched from a small (approx. 50 people) church to a larger church farther away. It was oh so worth it.

The youth group is fantastic and the leaders are wonderful.

I read that you investigated some youth groups and were not impressed. Are you willing to go further and check out more? Are there more? I don't know if you are in a city or country area.

 

At the end of the junior high year, he had made some *loose* friendships that have cemented over the years now. Today, he has several good friends, young men I enjoy and have over now and then and he spends time at their homes.

Perhaps we are unusually blessed in this area but this is where I would start - did start when I was in your shoes.

 

It will happen, sometimes more slowly than we'd prefer or not according to our timetable. Give it time.

[Barb_]

Colleen, have you noticed this being an issue with your younger guys? I know they're younger and may not be there yet, but I remember the friend thing being more important to my oldest daughter. My theory is that she saw her younger siblings as just the little guys...not true peers, no matter how close they were. The younger kids have the littles to lead and the older ones to look up to, so finding age-peers hasn't seemed as important.

 

This doesn't really help your current problem, but maybe you'll find comfort in thinking it may not be a recurring issue.

 

Meghan has finally found a circle of friends that she's comfortable with this past year. Some are from work and some she met in her CC classes, so not a ready-made circle, but a cobbled-together bunch. As others have mentioned, things began to ease up once she hit her mid-teens.

 

I endured high school but I counted the minutes. We had the whole mean-girls scenario happening. When I felt sad for my daughter, I comforted myself with the belief that it's better to feel lonely because you're actually alone than feel lonely because you're surrounded by people you can't trust.

 

Barb

[Scarlett]

 

I'm sad that my oldest son doesn't have any close friends. To be honest, I even feel, in a sense, guilty about it. :

 

I read your post last night and wish I had responded then because instead I dreamed about you and yours all night. Sigh. I was thinking about the guilt. I feel that overwhelming sense of guilt for not providing siblings for my ds8. What he (and I) wouldn't give to have 4 other kids in the house. It is, apparently, not to be though. We don't always get what we want do we? :(

 

maybe bosom buddies are more important to girls/women. :

 

 

I think friends are important to boys. I know my own dh grew up close to at least half a dozen boys from our school and he is still close to several of them.

 

We've attended a small (roughly 150) church for ten years. The people there are like family, but there just aren't a great many boys my son's age. :

 

We have this exact same problem. Small congregation with a BIG group of girls ds's age, but no boys. He is very close to all of these girls. He has had them over for play dates LOTS, takes them on trips with us, and one has even spent the night many times. But...let's face it, by the time my ds is 12 that won't be a reality. And I know he needs more boy friends his own age. I'm working on developing one with a family that lives about 30 miles away. They really click and I'm hoping that works out well. But I feel for you because it is a problem.

 

 

The more I think about it, the more I feel like my guys are almost...how should I say it...too "not homeschool-y" for the homeschool bunch, yet "too homeschool-y" for the schooled bunch. If that makes sense. :

 

This REALLY hit home for me. I totally understand it and it fits us totally.

 

So really Colleen, I don't have any suggestions. :) I think you have been incredibly proactive in the search for friends for him. And I do agree with several of the other posters who mentioned that it willl very likely change in just a few short years. [/color][/font]

[Lizzie in Ma]

My dd, almost 12 has just begun to go through this. She is the only kid in our church her age, the rest are a year older or a year younger and they never seem to be at the same needs at the same time. kwim? The ps kids at our church look down on the homeschoolers and make nasty comments they have clearly heard from their parents. She has been deeply hurt by this sort of thing of late. (funny as it is a church with lots of homeschoolers)

She has always had friends to play with here and there, the same families we remain friends with but as she get older and the age difference becomes more of an issue (ie:she is a developing tween) their days of playing together without age or sex being an issue seem to be over. It makes her break down crying saying she doesn't want to grow up.

I know she is lonely for a "bosom companion" and it breaks my heart.

 

 

It sounds like you are doing everything you can and making every opportunity for your son to find a companion. I hope he finds one soon.

[langfam]

This is a real issue for HS kids. For years I felt so guilty that my kids didn't have any real friends besides their siblings. I consoled myself by saying friends come and go but your family you always have with you.

 

Several years ago, a lady at our church put an announcement in the bulletin that she would like to meet other HS'ers in the church, We were so surprised at that 1st meeting at how many people turned up. We decided to arrange activities for the kids....taking turns. This went on for a couple of years, but the kids just never seemed to form real friendships.

 

This past year one of the moms decided to open her house every Sunday afternoon for potlucks and the kids' friendships have really taken off because they're allowed unstructured time together just doing whatever.

 

I feel very blessed to have found this group for my kids, but this past year has been a special blessing too because all the parents have made new friendships as well.

 

Just an idea for you. Maybe an inspiration to seek out those who may be in your own church.

[at the beach]

My dd 11 had my cousin's child stay over this weekend. This child is in 6th grade middle school and turning 12. My dd shared with me that this dc confided to her that she has only one friend in school and that friend is mean to her. My dd said to me, why would she want a mean friend? :001_huh: I didn't know how to answer that.

 

I sometimes also worry about the friends issue, but when I hear things like this, I am reminded that school doesn't necessarily mean friends but can mean isolation and loneliness. Imagine spending nearly 8 hours of your day in an environment where you felt no real ties to anyone.:sad:

[Diana in OR]

{{{Colleen}}}:grouphug:

 

Sorry, this got too long!

 

I have written posts like this in the past. I hesitate to respond, b/c I don't want to give the wrong impression, as this is a homeschool board. Our family has been in the same homeschool group for 7 years now. There are many children the ages of my dc. For some reason, though, my oldest ds never seemed to "click" with the other boys his age. For a long time I just figured it was b/c boys didn't need those close friendships like girls. But as the years wore on, I realized just what you said about not being "homeschooly" enough. This was a reality recently when my ds was purposely excluded from an activity organized by some boys in our group b/c they didn't approve of his behavior.

 

I think this is a negative of hsing. Sometimes there are very few friends for our dc to choose from. If they don't fit with a certain group or individual, then they have nowhere else to turn for friends.

 

I tried to help him foster friendships outside our hs circles. But I found that the ps kids in our neighborhood had established friendships through school, and our church didn't have boys the ages of my dc. I have noticed, as was already pointed out, that it is more difficult as our dc get older.

 

I don't have any great advice for you, except to say that since my ds has been in ps (starting this year in 9th grade) he has been happy. [Dodging tomatoes] The social environment has been good for him. Not so much the general environment, but the friends he has made through sports and choir he now sees every day at lunch and after school--and yes, I know who his friends are and frequently grill him about them. I'm not necessarily suggesting that school is the answer to your dilemma, however I have seen the positive changes in my ds. I would not have sent him to ps specifically for the social part, but it has made a world of difference for my ds.

[Pink Fairy]

love the word "homeschool-y". It conjures up so many pictures--yes, denim jumpers, but also buck teeth, coke-bottle glasses, and that movie about the national spelling bee. :D (I know that's not what you meant, but it still makes me giggle.)

 

I'm in the same boat, by the way. My kids are very close with each other, but outside friendships are strictly activity-based. They see other kids once or twice a week at ballet, catechism, etc., and that's it. They don't seem to mind, but sometimes I do for them.

[KidsHappen]

I took this long to respond because I just didn't know how to put into words the feelings I have. The are very deep, convoluted and complex.

 

I also grew up a military brat. I moved every two to three years my entire life. I was painfully introverted as it was so it was incredibly hard for me to make friends and even when I did they didn't last very long. I feel like I have come out of it pretty well but I do still have a hard time forming friendship type relationships. All of my very close relationships are family. Luckily I have a large family.

 

My son went through the same thing and he feels that he frequently fell in with the bad crowds because believe it or not they were usually the most accepting and he is much more extroverted than I and needed the interaction. Apparently to him any kind of friendship was better than no friendship at all. But no good came of it at all. And I believe that many of his problems stemmed from this one issue.

 

When we lived in FL, we belonged to a very large and active homeschool group. At the time, my middle two seemed very extroverted, friendly and outgoing. They formed fast and furious friendship there that have really stood the test of time even now six years later. Everyone in their particular group still communicates on a daily basis even though they are strung all over the planet from Singapore to England to all over the United States. The ones in the states often fly to visit each other.

 

After moving here, both of them seemed to have lost their will to form any new friendship. They have been involved in many activitied: horse back riding, ice skating, art lessons, music classes, girl scouts and yet they have failed to form even the most cursory of friendships. I have asked them why and they both said that they just don't want to. They aren't motivated because they are still attached to older and closer friends.

 

My 14 dd is also painfully introverted, anxious, and prone to panic attacks and insomnia which she honestly believes is attributable to moving here away from her friends and failing to find the kind of friendships that she had there. If it wasn't for the on-going relationships that they formed and maintained from FL I would really worry about them.

 

Now I just make an effort for them to spend as much time as possible interacting with these friends on a daily basis and visiting them as much as possible. But I tell you it sure is a hassle not to mention expensive. I really do believe that it is the only thing that keeps them sane and going so it is worth it to me.

 

I am really considering sending my 11 yr, old to middle school next year for just this reason. She has lived hear for almost six years now and I want her to form her relationships here where we live. She already has many social issues and really needs to work on her interacting and relationship skills. I have talked to her psychiatrist about this extensively and we both think that it may be better for her to work on this and form strong relationships before she gets to high school. It makes me so incredibly nervous though and it is a very difficult decision to make.

 

All this to say that I really can relate to what you are going through and how difficult it can be. I don't really have much advice but once again sympathise with you greatly. I wish you the best of luck as you work through this and I hope that you come up with a solution that will work for your family. This mothering business is so mcuh more difficult that I ever thought that it would be and that's even when you are not dealing with any majo catastrophies.

[JenniferVA]

I don't have any advice to offer, but I can commisserate a little. My 12 and 8yo sons don't make friends as easily as their other brothers. The 12yo is reserved and speaks a little stiffly (think "English butler"). He does have 1 friend his age we can invite over from time to time, but it's been difficult to work out due to distance. The 8yo is very black and white and needs to learn a little more grace if he is going to form more than an acquaintance outside the family.

 

My 12yo is content with his social life, but my 8yo moans about it. He's especially jealous at the ease at which my charismatic 10yo makes friends. Dh and I do what we can to foster opportunities (sports, co-op, Rangers, inviting boys to our home after church on Sunday afternoon), but I also try to focus his attention on the positives because he's such an analyst;). I remind him while friends are good, they will come and go, but a brother is a friend for life. I'm so thankful he has 3 brothers close in age to play with, while he's waiting for "other" good friends.

 

Jen

[Colleen]

Thanks to those who have chimed in recently. I don't know that I've arrived at any solutions per se (or if there are any, really), but it's been good just to talk (and listen).

 

Diana, you said:

 

I don't have any great advice for you, except to say that since my ds has been in ps (starting this year in 9th grade) he has been happy. [Dodging tomatoes] The social environment has been good for him. Not so much the general environment, but the friends he has made through sports and choir he now sees every day at lunch and after school--and yes, I know who his friends are and frequently grill him about them. I'm not necessarily suggesting that school is the answer to your dilemma, however I have seen the positive changes in my ds. I would not have sent him to ps specifically for the social part, but it has made a world of difference for my ds.

 

I know my husband thinks this would be the case if my son went to school, and truth be told, I think so, too. Not that he would necessarily develop close friendships, but I suspect he would enjoy and benefit from the increased opportunity for interaction. But like you said, I'm not going to send a child to school based solely on the social aspect. It'll definitely be one of many considerations if the time comes to weigh pros and cons of public high school. Oh, why aren't there just easy answers?!:001_huh:

[Bokons]

My oldest ds (almost 12) went to a Christian school this year for grade 6. He is very social and adjusted very well. The teacher said it's as if ds has been to school all his life. He's made a lot of friends, and he talks about them frequently. In spite of that, he has not developed any close friendships. None of his friends have invited my ds over to their houses (and he hasn't invited any over to our house either). It's just like what you said, Colleen, about your ds not necessarily developing close friendships if he went to school. My ds is enjoying school a lot and likes having so many friends, but none of them are close. I'm guessing that most of those boys grew up together since they've been attending that school since K or earlier grades, so maybe they don't feel the need to have more close friends. Plus, I haven't made any effort to get to know the other moms, so that is probably another reason why my ds hasn't made any close friends either.

 

But since we didn't send him there to have a social life, we have decided to homeschool him again for grade 7 (for various reasons). We may put him back in school again later on, but you're right in that there are no easy answers.

 

Colleen

 

 

 

 

 

I know my husband thinks this would be the case if my son went to school, and truth be told, I think so, too. Not that he would necessarily develop close friendships, but I suspect he would enjoy and benefit from the increased opportunity for interaction. But like you said, I'm not going to send a child to school based solely on the social aspect. It'll definitely be one of many considerations if the time comes to weigh pros and cons of public high school. Oh, why aren't there just easy answers?!:001_huh:[/color][/font]

[Diana in OR]

why[/i] aren't there just easy answers?!:001_huh:[/color][/font]

 

If the answers were easy, I suppose this board would just be a recipe exchange. :D

 

I should mention, that when we were deciding about high school, I frequently asked ds if he wanted to go to school so he could be with friends. He always said no. It was definitely one of those areas where dh and I saw what was best for him and he didn't realize it.

 

You probably know this , but just as a reminder if you thought you wanted you dc to receive a diploma, it is much easier academically if they start ps in 9th grade. You can always take them out later if it's not working. Waiting until after 9th grade may require additional classes in order to make up credits. (Ds will have to make up .33 credit in each of 6 classes b/c he started 6 weeks into the school year.)