I think I messed up today

[Denisemomof4]

My daughter is friendly with one of her teammates on the synchronized swim team. When we got to the Y today, the friend approached dd and told her that it was, "Really weird. This man came up to me and asked me if I were friends with his daughter, Rose. When I said no, he held up his arm and like blocked me in. I walked around him to get away. It was really (weird or creepy, don't remember which she used) and I knew he wasn't your father."

 

So, I jumped on this. I was freaked out that some guy could know *my* daughter's name, Rose, (I never meet a Rose that's not in her 80's or 90's!) and assumed this "weird" guy who made her feel very uncomfortable somehow knew she was friends with my dd. So I went to the front desk and reported the incident. I wanted this to be checked out before this man left the building.

 

The staff member was disturbed by what I told him and wanted to go check it out immediately. He asked me to bring the girl to talk to him. I brought her to speal to him and he got the details from her again, a description of the man, etc. I asked her if she had ever seen him before, she said no. We went out back and looked for her mother in the gymnastics area but couldn't find her. The man was in the basketball court so I left the staff member to do his job and brought the girl back to swim.

 

I know I'm sensitive to this. One of my kids was the target of a pedophile. Thankfully, I have issues with being over protective and this is what saved my kid. Another family was not so lucky and a child was hurt. So tonight, I just was unnerved over the entire situation and felt I needed to act.

 

I asked the Y staff to question the guy and make sure he had a dd with the name of Rose. He did. And he was there shooting hoops with his ds. He was a long standing member of the Y. BUT, the staff noted that he was socially awkward and he could understand how this man could have made the girl feel uncomfortable.

 

Now what I *SHOULD* have done was go get the mother to deal with it all. But when the staff member asked me to bring the girl up, I did. I should have gotten her mother to deal with it all. Instead, I brought up the girl because I didn't want to stand a chance some creepy guy was going to leave the building without being questioned.

 

I apologized to the mother later for over stepping my bounds and shared that I'm sensitive to stuff like that; sharing that I had overlooked things in the past I shouldn't have. She couldn't have been more gracious. She explained to me that her daughter is dramatic at times, and she felt this man's socially awkward stance could have made her dd feel that way. I was still concerned that he held up his arm to kind of block her in but let it go. It was no longer my place to do anything.

 

The coaches and one other mother looked down on me for making a "big deal" of this. The team captain was as upset as me and she's leaving for college to be a cop (is currently working with under cover police trying to buy alcohol in local restaurants, bars, and stores and she's underage) and things like this hit home for her. She, too, was looked down upon.

 

Now I stated how I should have handled this to the mother and again apologized for over stepping my bounds. And honestly, I truly couldn't find the girl's mother when we went out back to find the man. BUT, I was shocked at the lack of concern by all the other adults involved.

 

Would you have handled things differently? Would you have just let this go, as apparently two other mothers did? (my dd's friend was with another girl and both mothers pretty much ignored them when they told them what had happened) The thing that REALLY bothered me, other than the uncommon name of Rose being used, was the fact that this man put his arm up to block off the girl from leaving. This DISTURBED me greatly and I can't understand others being ok with it.

 

Opinions?

[Chris in VA]

Well, even if your past experience did color your response a little, I totally see where this would be creepy, and I think you did the right thing, all around.

On a side note, it makes me aware of how I still need to help my own socially awkward, Aspie-candidate son handle body language and the like when in conversation--I don't want him to find himself in a similar situation as that gentleman. But that is NOT to say that you did anything wrong--at all.

[Carol in Cal.]

...I might not show any emotion in public about it. I would not want to give some creep that much satisfaction. Some of them enjoy causing 'drama' kind of like exhibitionists I think. And I would not want to draw additional attention to my DD or to the other girl.

 

I would probably thank you for telling me, be gracious but very calm-seeming about it, and jump all over it in the car on the way home, with informative, footnoted lectures about how to avoid those kinds of situations, how if they occur they are not your fault, how those guys are creeps and cannot be relied upon to change, unfortunately, etc. etc. etc. But I would not want my DD to be too scared, and would be sort of matter of fact about it. I would take care not to sound angry or upset. So that's a possibility, too. When I was that age, I rarely told my parents anything like that, because I figured they would just get mad at me. I would not want to give my DD the impression that I was mad at her, or make it harder for her to tell me about such things.

[Denisemomof4]

Well, even if your past experience did color your response a little, I totally see where this would be creepy, and I think you did the right thing, all around.

On a side note, it makes me aware of how I still need to help my own socially awkward, Aspie-candidate son handle body language and the like when in conversation--I don't want him to find himself in a similar situation as that gentleman. But that is NOT to say that you did anything wrong--at all.

 

Honestly, I did feel bad for this man when I found out he was there having fun with his kids, and also felt bad when I heard he was socially awkward and that probably caused this girl's discomfort....

 

I'm actually reading about Aspergers right now and there are social groups to help kids learn social cues and socialize skills to help them later in life. If you search the Aspergers Association for VA, maybe something like this would help your ds?

[Heidi7Sue]

I'm a very big fan of going with your gut on this kind of stuff. I think you did the right thing. And the only other person in the story who had any right to be even slightly unhappy with you about it wasn't unhappy. So don't let people tell you that you shouldn't protect your kids from people who seem "off."

[Mejane]

You did nothing wrong, imo. Better to be safe than sorry, right?

[i.love.lucy]

I think the fact still remains that even though he had the wrong friend of his daughter, he still acted in an inappropriate way. I am shocked that the parents had no alarms going off in their heads! You know that feeling when you *almost* have a car accident?

 

Personally, I'm glad there are moms like you and I would have been so grateful you acted as quickly as you did!

 

:grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

I think it was all a misunderstanding, but it was still very creepy and I think you acted correctly given the circumstance. Better safe than sorry and I would like to think that I would have done the same thing!

[MelanieM]

I'm a very big fan of going with your gut on this kind of stuff. I think you did the right thing. And the only other person in the story who had any right to be even slightly unhappy with you about it wasn't unhappy. So don't let people tell you that you shouldn't protect your kids from people who seem "off."

 

:iagree:I don't think you messed up at all. I think you took action following your instincts, and I think it was a real gift to this young girl that you listened to her and took her words seriously.

 

I really wouldn't worry about what others might think of the situation. Remember that sometimes people scoff at things as a way to protect themselves. It might feel better to think of you as over-reacting than to consider that their kids might not be completely safe all the time.

 

Go easy on yourself. You did good! :grouphug:

[Orthodox6]

I think you handled it well, given your background experiences, given that your dd has a name less-frequently used these days, and given that the event just felt a bit "off".

 

At the same time, since the man "checked out clean" from the Y staff, I do start to wonder whether the man is an adult Asperger's individual, or an adult with similar behavioural status. In that case, your dd's friend very possibly never was in any danger.

 

I don't fully understand your post, though, because it is full of so much information. I have no idea whose mother you are talking about. The mother of your daughter's friend? The mother of the "second Rose" ? Very confusing for me.

[Ravin]

The only thing I see you're doing that's probably not the healthiest is second-guessing and overthinking things after the fact. Relax. The crisis is over, misunderstandings happen, and this is water under the bridge now.

[jujsky]

Denise, I would have done the same thing. If the girl's mom understands and isn't upset about it, you shouldn't be either. There are creepy people in this world, and sadly we have to be on the lookout for them. Your DD's name isn't very common, so I can see why you reacted strongly.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The main adult players in this drama; the other mom and the staff member all were concerned and didn't think you did anything wrong. I think it is inappropriate that the other mothers and even the coaches got involved. I can't tell from what you wrote if you got them all involved or not. If I they just overheard things then of course you have nothing to do with it. But having found that it was a simple misunderstanding I wouldn't want to hurt the reputation of the socially awkward but innocent father.

[Orthodox6]

The main adult players in this drama; the other mom and the staff member all were concerned and didn't think you did anything wrong. I think it is inappropriate that the other mothers and even the coaches got involved. I can't tell from what you wrote if you got them all involved or not. If I they just overheard things then of course you have nothing to do with it. But having found that it was a simple misunderstanding I wouldn't want to hurt the reputation of the socially awkward but innocent father.

 

:iagree:

[Denisemomof4]

The main adult players in this drama; the other mom and the staff member all were concerned and didn't think you did anything wrong. I think it is inappropriate that the other mothers and even the coaches got involved. I can't tell from what you wrote if you got them all involved or not. If I they just overheard things then of course you have nothing to do with it. But having found that it was a simple misunderstanding I wouldn't want to hurt the reputation of the socially awkward but innocent father.

 

The team captain, who's beyond excited about going to school to become a police officer, wanted to come with me to investigate. She heard the girls talking to me. I went to the pool to get the other girl and asked the team captain to stay at the pool with Rose. She must have told the coach what was going on then. I never spoke with the coaches but got dirty looks and the cold shoulder at the end of the evening. Oh well.

 

I, too, felt bad about an innocent man being questioned, but he never should have blocked the girl off from being able to walk away from him. That was wrong and made the girl very uncomfortable, socially awkward or not. What girl wouldn't take that as a threat? Because he's apparently socially awkward, and I've been doing some reading on Aspergers recently, I hope someone in his family, his wife especially, would help him understand social cues. Aspergers people sometimes don't respect "space" around other people, and I can understand why this girl felt threatened by that, let alone feeling like he was trying to prevent her from leaving. Poor guy.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The team captain, who's beyond excited about going to school to become a police officer, wanted to come with me to investigate. She heard the girls talking to me. I went to the pool to get the other girl and asked the team captain to stay at the pool with Rose. She must have told the coach what was going on then. I never spoke with the coaches but got dirty looks and the cold shoulder at the end of the evening. Oh well.

 

I, too, felt bad about an innocent man being questioned, but he never should have blocked the girl off from being able to walk away from him. That was wrong and made the girl very uncomfortable, socially awkward or not. What girl wouldn't take that as a threat? Because he's apparently socially awkward, and I've been doing some reading on Aspergers recently, I hope someone in his family, his wife especially, would help him understand social cues. Aspergers people sometimes don't respect "space" around other people, and I can understand why this girl felt threatened by that, let alone feeling like he was trying to prevent her from leaving. Poor guy.

 

Then you did nothing wrong. If someone had a question about whether I was doing something dangerous to a child, I wouldn't mind being questioned as long as it was done respectfully. As a parent, I would understand wanting to make sure my child and other children were safe. It sounds like (at least from what has been written) that he wasn't upset by all by it. So - the others who gave you the cold shoulder? Phooey on them!:001_tt2:

Edited March 6, 2010 by Jean in Newcastle

[PiCO]

And I think you did exactly the right thing. You did not embarrass the man- he was merely questioned until the misunderstanding was cleared up.

 

Anyone who was looking down their noses at you is burrying their head in the sand.

[KnitWit]

I think you did right.

 

I do NOT want to extrapolate out *your* situation, but to make you feel better, I will share with you that my former youth pastor went to prison for several counts of molestation that covered MANY years at the same church. When it all came out in the end, many could look back and name situations that were questioned and answered satisfactorily, but, in the end, something big happened that blew it all wide open.

 

My point in saying this is...you might not be wrong about someone just because they *check out* at the time. Always, always follow your gut. You did so in a reasonable way.

[IdahoHomeschooler]

Your spidey sense was a-tingling. You don't ignore the spidey sense ;) Disregard the others that were "looking down on you." You were given the gift of instinct to protect your children, and you report that it has served you well in the past. Be very thankful for that gift. We are socialized to not make others feel uncomfortable, and this is what the coach and other mother were reacting to. Unfortunately, we have socialized a lot of our God-given instincts about certain people and situations right on out.

 

The man behaved poorly, you did not.

[Corraleno]

I think the fact still remains that even though he had the wrong friend of his daughter, he still acted in an inappropriate way. I am shocked that the parents had no alarms going off in their heads!

Personally, I'm glad there are moms like you and I would have been so grateful you acted as quickly as you did!:

:iagree:

I would have done exactly what you did, and I'm sure the girl was very glad that someone listened to her and took her seriously. What if in the future some other man did something that made her feel uncomfortable, and she decided not to tell anyone because last time everyone brushed it off and made her feel like her instincts were wrong???

 

The girl and her mom seemed to appreciate that you did the right thing and erred on the side of caution. I actually feel sorry for the daughters of the moms who would have just brushed it off ~ I sincerely hope those girls never have a similar experience and get ignored. :(

 

Jackie

[Denisemomof4]

:iagree:

I would have done exactly what you did, and I'm sure the girl was very glad that someone listened to her and took her seriously. What if in the future some other man did something that made her feel uncomfortable, and she decided not to tell anyone because last time everyone brushed it off and made her feel like her instincts were wrong???

 

 

Jackie

 

The girl thanked me for listening to her. I could clearly see nobody else did. I found that disturbing.

[OnTheBrink]

I'd have done what you did.