s/o opinion on education, work, gender and lifespan focus.........

[Lovedtodeath]

Lisa. Thank you for sharing. :grouphug:It means a lot that their are other humans out there who aren't super moms but try their best.

[Caribbean Queen]

Great post laughing Lioness.

 

Um....where are these families that set everything aside to make thier kids an all consuming focus? I don't see that. I see kids being forgotten, abused, yelled at, latch keyed and as another person said, marginalized. I see this everywhere in overflowing abundance, even in church. Are we thinking that too many parents are too good to their kids? Where? Who? As far as I can see, most adults are selfish and put thier own needs above those of their children.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't know anyone who puts too much time and effort into parenting. I know lots of people who but too little time and effort into parenting.

[OnTheBrink]

Um....where are these families that set everything aside to make thier kids an all consuming focus? I don't see that. I see kids being forgotten, abused, yelled at, latch keyed and as another person said, marginalized. I see this everywhere in overflowing abundance, even in church. Are we thinking that too many parents are too good to their kids? Where? Who? As far as I can see, most adults are selfish and put thier own needs above those of their children. Mine did. My sister did. Her daughter is. My DH's did. His sister did. Her son is. And our families wouldn't make the worst of the worst list by any means. It makes me sick. My kids come first.

 

My dad once said to me, when I told him I was quiting college to stay home with my new baby, "When it's all said and done, God will ask you, 'So you raised a family...what else did you do for me?'" I promptly told him that was bullcrap. What God may say to me was, "So you cured cancer....but....what about your family?" God doesn't need ME to cure cancer or do anything else for that matter. He's God. He'll get it done. But the one thing He does "need" me to do, is take care of the babies He gave me. So focus on them I will, and Not on my self or anything else. As long as I'm doing my "job" I'm not going to worry about what else I should be doing or shouldn't. God may use me for many other things during my life time, but being my kids' mom will certainly be the most important thing I ever do and I'm not going to feel guilty for thinking that.

 

I wish we still had rep 'cause I'd rep you all over! LOL

 

I WAS that latch-key kid. Both of my parents were pursuing post-graduate degrees well into my school years. No parent was home when I got home from school, and I believe I was in 3rd grade when they decided I could come home alone w/o a babysitter (I was 8). While my mother was out earning her degrees, she also needed time for herself, so that usually meant time alone in her bedroom and her TV. I have NEVER had a good relationship with her because HER needs were primary. To this day, it's the same. And, I was "bought off" as well. I had every material thing a kid could want, but what I wanted was my mom to be my MOM. Not a blur that passed me out the door every day. Not a raging b*tch from H*ll because she was so stressed and tired that she couldn't cook a meal, or do some laundry, or bother to come to any of my school events, including graduation. But, she could run to Vegas for a weekend, or Palm Springs, or wherever she wanted. So, this idea that women need to do more than take care of their families is a crock of carp. My mother pursued her education in a field near and dear to her heart, she held a job and the house was clean, but because I cleaned it. Meals were made because I made them. Laundry was done because I did it. My little brother was cared for because I watched him. Oh, and that little brother? Purposely planned for when I was became old enough to babysit, for free. Yeah, she had her interests all right. Marginalized? I was lucky to be IN the margin. But by golly, she had her education and career and interests! Yay!

 

My kids are my job until they're on their own. My son's almost there, my daughter has several more years to go. God willing, I'll have a few more decades once she's on her own to pursue my own interests. But even if I don't, I want to face God with the knowledge that the kids He gave me were my priority.

[amy g.]

I'd rep BOTH of you!

[laughing lioness]

 

I WAS that latch-key kid. Both of my parents were pursuing post-graduate degrees well into my school years. No parent was home when I got home from school, and I believe I was in 3rd grade when they decided I could come home alone w/o a babysitter (I was 8). While my mother was out earning her degrees, she also needed time for herself, so that usually meant time alone in her bedroom and her TV. I have NEVER had a good relationship with her because HER needs were primary. To this day, it's the same. And, I was "bought off" as well. I had every material thing a kid could want, but what I wanted was my mom to be my MOM. Not a blur that passed me out the door every day. Not a raging b*tch from H*ll because she was so stressed and tired that she couldn't cook a meal, or do some laundry, or bother to come to any of my school events, including graduation. But, she could run to Vegas for a weekend, or Palm Springs, or wherever she wanted. So, this idea that women need to do more than take care of their families is a crock of carp. My mother pursued her education in a field near and dear to her heart, she held a job and the house was clean, but because I cleaned it. Meals were made because I made them. Laundry was done because I did it. My little brother was cared for because I watched him. .

 

I could've written most of this. As a result I vowed never to have kids. God laughed. I have, as a result, discovered 2 of lifes great and simple pleasures- raising kids and keeping a home (See "The Hidden Art of HomeMaking, Creating a Beautiful Life, etc.etc.)

[Mad Jenny Flint]

And I love what Chaik said about contributing by "being me." Oh! I think this year I will cultivate *that* attitude.

[Heather in WI]

I WAS that latch-key kid. Both of my parents were pursuing post-graduate degrees well into my school years. No parent was home when I got home from school, and I believe I was in 3rd grade when they decided I could come home alone w/o a babysitter (I was 8). While my mother was out earning her degrees, she also needed time for herself, so that usually meant time alone in her bedroom and her TV. I have NEVER had a good relationship with her because HER needs were primary. To this day, it's the same. And, I was "bought off" as well. I had every material thing a kid could want, but what I wanted was my mom to be my MOM. Not a blur that passed me out the door every day. {snip} Marginalized? I was lucky to be IN the margin. But by golly, she had her education and career and interests! Yay!

 

 

This was my experience as well.

 

My mom was a national negotiator for the AFL-CIO. She traveled often for extended periods of time. My step-dad worked 60 hours a week. He was rock steady, but emotionally void. (He married my mom when I was 5, but I think the first time we hugged was on my wedding day.) My bio-dad lived 2000 miles away and was a serious alcoholic ... DTs bad alcoholic.

 

I love my parents. But, I would never make the choices they made. It why I chose to be a SAHM and homeschooler.

 

I echo the PP who stated the vast majority of families are NOT child focused. We could do with more families that put their children's needs ahead of the desires of the parents ... at least until the children are out of the house.

[Impish]

Imp, I have lived this very scenario. I promise, you can get through the other side. Your body will still have failed you, but you can still be you.

 

You are strong, I can see it in your posts, even if you can't feel it now.

 

Oh I how I remember living it. I could never explain it to anyone.

I saw a plaque in a store once, while I was in the middle of this place you are.

It said... If you are going through h*ll, just keep going

-Winston Churchill

 

Eventually you come out on the other side of whatever landscape you are navigating.

There will be more for you, it will just have changed, it will be different than what you originally imagined. I can see it now that I am past that point of divide in the woods.

 

:grouphug:

Thank you.

 

I guess this thread just got under my skin. The mantra of 'do more!' when I'm doing good just to get through to the end of each day.

 

And, reality is, I would 'do more' by adopting via foster care, if I had the space...and was able to get approved, which is highly doubtful.

[JaneyL]

We're wierd. Dh and I aren't worried about me earning an income. To his way of thinking I work harder and easily earn half of what he makes, iykwIm. While motherhood might not need to be a full-time, life-long occupation I think for many it is and (assuming their kids aren't being nagged to death) good for them. As for me, I'm dh's wife. That may not pay much, but it makes us both happy.

 

I think that everyone should be required to allow others to live however they see fit, as long as it doesn't actually impose on their way to life.

 

I love this! :iagree::iagree:

[Quad Shot Academy]

I read an article once that the majority of generation X'ers are helicopter parents and/or homeschooling and/or driving teachers crazy with internet research on education techniques and curriculum because the majority of Gen X'ers were neglected. We were the first latch key generation and the first generation to largely come from divorced homes. All the friends I had that came from divorced homes had mothers that were out all night with men, leaving their small children at home alone, to get into all sorts of trouble. We were home alone before our parents went to work, home alone after school, our parents came home to eat dinner and yell at us while we did our homework and then off for the night with men. I think a backlash of that culture is to be expected. ;)

 

I do get the point that Joanne is making and I agree with it to a degree. Most of us will all be empty nesters at one point and our life span will probably be so long, that we will need another pursuit to fill our lives.

 

I can also see the point of needing to be able to provide for your children if your husband leaves you and becomes a dead beat dad. (I have known three men to do this suddenly to their homeschooling families.) But I think that preparation usually needs to be done before the mom has a growing family. If you are like me and came into marriage having no abilities, marketable skills or worthwhile job experience, I don't think much can be done now w/o sacrificing my family for an off chance happening. If my husband were to announce he was leaving, I would go back to school for a specific skill that I could do at home with my kids. That same skill would not be the career I would choose if I was an empty nester and also the laws/certifications for that skill could likely change between now and then, leaving me with unmarketable skills again. I will encourage my daughters to pursue a skill or education that they can use at home or in the workplace (medical transcriptionist, accounting, CPA, haircutting, music, voice . . .) but leave the choice up to them.

 

As far as needing a life outside of my kids. I just don't feel the need right now. I have started going out for dinner once a month with friends, but we usually sit around talking about homeschooling. ;) I have no desires other than being with my family. Call me a loser if you want , but I can't make a desire exist that does not. (Not that anyone is calling me a loser, but I frequently feel that way when people ask me what my hobbies are and I have none.) *shrug*

[Lovedtodeath]

 

(Not that anyone is calling me a loser, but I frequently feel that way when people ask me what my hobbies are and I have none.) *shrug*

Do video games count?:tongue_smilie:

[Quad Shot Academy]

Do video games count?:tongue_smilie:

 

Yes, they do! I have friends that talk a lot about the games they play. I can't stand to play though. I guess my only hobby is this board! I can rarely make it through a conversation w/o saying, "I just read on the WTM board . . . " :D

[lovemyboys]

I think there is wisdom in both men and women having careers/skills/education to fall back on since we never know what life will bring us. My dh's grandmother lost her husband when her children were still young and she had to get a career and get a job which was a godsend:)

 

Don't get me wrong. I wish that all marriages would work out but that is not always feasible or desirable and then there is always death and illness or job loss:(

I feel blessed to have married a saint;) I am glad to be at home, but I am also glad to a have a career to fall back on:)

 

Soooo much depends on the marriage, on the partnership in the marriage.

 

While he isn't a saint, my husband is a great guy. We went through very trying times a couple of years ago and it was tough, but we were fortunate to grow stronger through it.

 

:grouphug: to Carol and others who have had a tough experience.

[lovemyboys]

Yes.

 

I understand that Joanne is in a place none of us ever want to be and where most never think they will ever be. But there are no guarantees. Women get screwed in child care and alimony every single day. She knows her own truth and situation.

 

 

 

Yes, Joanne is facing a unique set of circumstances. I remember way back when she and dh first started dating. :001_smile: I wish her good luck in balancing family, homeschooling and life -- this is a tough patch right now.

 

 

Perhaps I wasn't making my point very clearly. I've found that homeschooling families are actually among the most grounded that I know. Life doesn't revolve around a school/sports/activities schedule. Homework and projects don't dictate our lives. We have time to see folks at the nursing home, make lunches for the homeless, exercise, go to a museum on a slow day, sleep in, help out college students, volunteer for our church, our community, the environment, you name it.

 

The families that I thought of when I read OP are the ones with two working parents or one working/one sahp (not homeschooling) who race from one thing to the next and put a lot of focus of dc's activities, achievements, schools, wardrobe, electronics, etc. But that's who I thought of when I read that. Ymmv.

Edited January 20, 2010 by lovemyboys
clarity

[katemary63]

We know several families with parents have more money than time. They buy thier kids everything; toys, experiences, clothes. In fact, they buy them off. The kids are emotionally neglected, demanding and hungry for real, decent parenting. Many would call that child centered (cause the kids get the goodies). I call that self centered on the part of the parent.

 

 

:iagree: This is EXACTLY what I was talking about. This is the kind of terrible parenting that you might not see so easily in those nice Houston suburbs.

Edited January 21, 2010 by katemary63

[katemary63]

I wish we still had rep 'cause I'd rep you all over! LOL

 

I WAS that latch-key kid. Both of my parents were pursuing post-graduate degrees well into my school years. No parent was home when I got home from school, and I believe I was in 3rd grade when they decided I could come home alone w/o a babysitter (I was 8). While my mother was out earning her degrees, she also needed time for herself, so that usually meant time alone in her bedroom and her TV. I have NEVER had a good relationship with her because HER needs were primary. To this day, it's the same. And, I was "bought off" as well. I had every material thing a kid could want, but what I wanted was my mom to be my MOM. Not a blur that passed me out the door every day. Not a raging b*tch from H*ll because she was so stressed and tired that she couldn't cook a meal, or do some laundry, or bother to come to any of my school events, including graduation. But, she could run to Vegas for a weekend, or Palm Springs, or wherever she wanted. So, this idea that women need to do more than take care of their families is a crock of carp. My mother pursued her education in a field near and dear to her heart, she held a job and the house was clean, but because I cleaned it. Meals were made because I made them. Laundry was done because I did it. My little brother was cared for because I watched him. Oh, and that little brother? Purposely planned for when I was became old enough to babysit, for free. Yeah, she had her interests all right. Marginalized? I was lucky to be IN the margin. But by golly, she had her education and career and interests! Yay!

 

My kids are my job until they're on their own. My son's almost there, my daughter has several more years to go. God willing, I'll have a few more decades once she's on her own to pursue my own interests. But even if I don't, I want to face God with the knowledge that the kids He gave me were my priority.

 

I'm so glad that like me, you realized the wrongs you were brought up with and are giving your own kids something better. God Bless!

[Jenny in GA]

Um....where are these families that set everything aside to make thier kids an all consuming focus? I don't see that. I see kids being forgotten, abused, yelled at, latch keyed and as another person said, marginalized. I see this everywhere in overflowing abundance, even in church. Are we thinking that too many parents are too good to their kids? Where? Who? As far as I can see, most adults are selfish and put thier own needs above those of their children.

 

 

Not really agreeing or disagreeing, but ...

 

I often read the "weekly columns" at John Rosemond's site. I don't think they're up there anymore, but he had an article a few months ago about how the number one crisis for families today was .....

 

Too much parent involvement with their kids.

 

A few weeks later he wrote a follow-up column because so many people wrote in to say, "Are you serious?"

 

Yes. He was completely serious.

 

So at least one well-known "parenting expert" thinks that many of those families are out there, and that they're a serious problem.

[Jill- OK]

This interpretation was obviously in the "big" plan of our Creator. Does it not mention that the younger women learn from the older women? The older women have gathered more experience and not just in running a household.

 

If you're talking about Titus 2, the instruction that the older women are giving the younger women is about...loving their husbands and children. Staying busy at home.

 

3Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

 

That sort of specific instruction aside, I think that mentoring relationships are helpful, across the board. (Not just for Christians, either...I just wanted to address what the verse mentioned said.)

 

Most of us are "older women", to someone. But we also still need mentors. To remind us that no one's arrived, yet. If your kids are teens, there's still a ways to go. If your kids are in their twenties, there's still a ways to go. You know?

 

I think that we (speaking about women in this day and age) have largely substituted reading books, taking classes, and formulating our own theories for that tribe of women that we can simultaneously look to, and help along. They're both important parts of the process, and if we help along more than we look to (or vice versa) we probably feel that imbalance more than if we didn't. (And that isn't to say that reading books can't be a sort of mentorship, too...but it's definitely different than a real person, and it's only one way.)

 

Of course, I need to add the standard disclaimers about using your own common sense (every older woman doesn't know what she's talking about), your mileage may vary, etc., etc., yada yada. :D

Edited January 20, 2010 by Jill, OK

[Jill- OK]

Joann, I understand that you are coming from your life experiences. However, just as others have mentioned, your life is not everyones.

 

I agree with this.

 

Joanne, you've had a lot of changes in your life, in the past several years. A lot of upheaval. Heartbreak. Things like that can't help but affect beliefs and thought processes, to some extent, and your change of heart and mind (from what you said you believed before) is completely understandable.

 

I'd just offer, gently, that if your situations and experiences have changed your views from what they were several years ago...that the life you have yet to live might change them even more, as time goes on. That doesn't mean you can't have strongly held opinions, and express them...but it's just a caution that if certain core concepts have been changed for you, because of circumstances, that new circumstances might widen your view, even more. It's just a thought.

 

That said, I agree with much of what you wrote...

 

I believe every adult should either have or be aquiring a skill and/or education that can be used for income.

 

I share that belief. I think it's just good common sense, and I don't know anyone outside of a very specific, small subculture that would believe otherwise.

 

I do not believe "mothering" and homemaking is supposed to be a life long focus. I also think this accounts for at least part of the high percentage of depression (diagnosed and otherwise) in at home moms.

 

I have to disagree. And, we're only talking opinion here, so that's fine...but I'd like to see the evidence of your statement about the high percentage of depression in at home moms. Vs. moms who work. Because you're saying it's higher...right? My anecdotal experience is different. I know a good many women who take medication for depression and they span a swath of single and married, homeschooling and not, stay-at-home and working.

 

My grandmother, however, is exactly what you describe above, someone whose life long focus has been mothering--no volunteering, no outside work, very few hobbies that don't revolve around making her children and grandchildren happy--and she's probably one of the most content women I know. Her children and grandchildren--and most of her friends and their children--adore her. Relationships are the guiding force in her life, and she has reaped the benefits, I believe. (I do believe she's sowed seed in others' lives, so to speak, by simply being kind and praying for them...but that's something every Christian is compelled to do--and something considerate people do, anyway, regardless of their faith--not something seen apart from the choice to make homemaking a full time pursuit).

 

Now, I'm not one who is completely content to homeschool and mother, to the exclusion of everything else, but I was when my older children were little. Things change. Life changes. My younger children have a mom who likes working, and gets a charge out of building other avenues of life, alongside the one they share. To be honest, though, I'd love to have my grandmother's contentment, and it's a goal for me. I believe it's a direct result of knowing who you are in Christ, and discovering your place, and feeling comfortable in your role, whatever it is. I don't think my younger kids have a bad mom, but she's probably not as great as the one who was happy to do nothing but care for kiddos. We juggle and adjust, though.

 

 

I believe we've become child-centered and it's to the detriment of everyone.

 

I share that belief, and don't believe it's a good thing, either.

 

I honesty think that many Americans have idealized "family" and made an idol out of the concept.

 

I don't share this belief...and I have to wonder how it would be possible for American society to be both child-centered, and family centered...? I do think that families can prioritize their own personal unit over everything else, and I think that's out of balance...but I don't know too many folks who do that, outside of that same, small subculture I mentioned above, that wouldn't encourage the possibility for self-sufficiency in a child.

 

That's my pair of pennies, for whatever it's worth.

Edited January 20, 2010 by Jill, OK

[lionfamily1999]

Okay. I should not have read this thread!

 

So do I have no value then, since I am sick 99% of the time, spend too much on groceries and a quarter of our income on medical bills and need help to get the basic housework done? I stress my DH out so much that he ends up yelling at me for breaking my foot causing him more work at home and medical bills?

 

 

:(:crying:

I dare say, your dh would values highly... I mean he might complain about it (like a little kid, does he mutter too? Dh mutters :glare:), but obviously he thinks you're worth it :D

 

Strictly speaking on the monetary front, you're still cheaper than daycare, a maid, and instant dinners ;) Besides you come with those fringe benefits, like a lovely face, charming personality, and blazing intellect.

 

 

Sorry about blazing, I couldn't think of a better adjective.

[Lovedtodeath]

Besides you come with those fringe benefits, like a lovely face, charming personality, and blazing intellect.

 

In bed.

 

 

 

 

 

:lol:

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist... we were just making our animal neighbors say "in bed" at the end of their sentences. (Animal crossing.)

[Lovedtodeath]

I must point out that right in the OP Joanne said that her personal experience colored what she was about to say.

[G5052]

But I agree with you again. :001_smile: I also think that there's a wide spectrum of healthy marriage/families with the extremes on either end being unhealthy. Every family will be a little different. That said, I'm always a little uneasy at the focus on being the "keeper at home" in conservative Christian circles. Doesn't the Bible indicate and provide for more than that, especially looking over the lifetime of a woman?

 

I really consider myself a woman of many foci. I'm wife and caregiver to my disabled husband, mother and educator to my children, and a part-time employee. I focus on those relationships in life. By some standards, I'm a poor housekeeper, and an lazy homeschooler because I don't research curriculum much, plan my own stuff, or generally agonize over it.

 

And I thnk that's OK. REALLY!

[Lovedtodeath]

By some standards, I'm a poor housekeeper, and an lazy homeschooler because I don't research curriculum much, plan my own stuff, or generally agonize over it.

 

And I thnk that's OK. REALLY!

:hurray::hurray::thumbup::thumbup1:

[Denisemomof4]

In bed.

 

 

 

 

 

:lol:

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist... we were just making our animal neighbors say "in bed" at the end of their sentences. (Animal crossing.)

 

:eek:

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[lionfamily1999]

In bed.

 

 

 

 

 

:lol:

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist... we were just making our animal neighbors say "in bed" at the end of their sentences. (Animal crossing.)

We used to do that with fortune cookies (you will live long and prosper... in bed).

 

I was thinking it, but didn't want to offend you by adding that particular fringe benefit ;)

[Heather in WI]

We used to do that with fortune cookies (you will live long and prosper... in bed).

 

I was thinking it, but didn't want to offend you by adding that particular fringe benefit

 

Is it wrong that I thought this, too? :lol:

[lionfamily1999]

Great minds and all that ;)

[Lovedtodeath]

 

Great minds and all that ;)

:lol::lol::lol: WHoo hoo!

[bunnytracks]

In bed.

 

 

 

 

 

:lol:

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist... we were just making our animal neighbors say "in bed" at the end of their sentences. (Animal crossing.)

 

 

:lol: Gonna have to make my animals say that too next time they ask for a new catch phrase. I <3 animal crossing!!!

[Sahamamama]

I am where I am now. I can't say with certainty what God has planned for me in the future, although I think I have some idea. My children are young -- 3, 3, and 5 -- and my husband's outside work hours are long. His days are long, so my days are long. We all work hard to keep the ship afloat, and we run a pretty good ship, LOL! Where's the leisure or free time in that? There isn't any wiggle room here, and I don't expect much at this point. I can see a bit further down the road, and I'm looking forward to it! :D

 

I do believe that as a mother I will enrich my daughters if I live my life as a person, not only as their mother/teacher/homemaker. What this means might vary from season to season. Currently, caring for three young children and making a home take up most of my energy and time. I make no apologies for this. At this time, other people can wait for whatever I might have to offer, but my own small children and my own hard-working husband can't. They need me to serve them now. I do.

 

My mother is 74 years old, and still strongly identifies as a mother. I can assure you, she is not wiping my nose or cutting my meat into little bites! She has lived a very full life, too: Forty-seven years of marriage (and counting), two daughters raised, college and graduate school, deaf school teaching, church ministry, music, homemaking, other employment, gardening, six grand-children, canning, praying, encouraging, and on and on. I think she'd say her life has been a good one, with some serious challenges. She is "many roles, many women," and I certainly have never put her in a Mommy Box! She is still mothering me, though, thank God. And when my mother is gone from this world, I will miss her AND the mothering!

 

I feel that teaching my children has grown me as a person. I believe that taking on the responsibility of their education -- not just their upbringing -- has changed me as a person, for the better. It's prompted me to work at developing skills, building knowledge, and honing the teaching gift that is in me. I daily work at becoming a better tutor/teacher, not solely for the sake of my precious daughters, but because God is shaping me into that better tutor/teacher for his own purposes. Who knows what he has in store? If I only saw my role as someone who makes sure my children plod through their work, I would never learn anything, nor become what God has in mind. That would not be challenging, nor would it grow me. But homeschooling the way I do it here is growing me!

 

I believe that homeschooling, homemaking, mothering, and marriage, far from taking me from God's purposes, are currently his way of involving me in and preparing me further for them!

[chaik76]

And I love what Chaik said about contributing by "being me." Oh! I think this year I will cultivate *that* attitude.

:D

[laughing lioness]

I've been thinking about this post all week and I think I "get it" now.

 

The "on-line" article in the NYT and the comment about parents feeling disempowered made me wonder if that is what Joanne was saying about being child-centered. The heirachy of the family is skewed in an unhealthy way giving the kids the "power" that belonges (rightly so) to the parent (coming from an MFT perspective here)

Still pondering this thread. Thanks for the food for thought, Joanne- as usual.

[Annie Laurie]

This is our situation as well. My husband has said many times that me doing what I do at home enables him to be able to do what he does at work. If I were working too, or if he were a single parent, he wouldn't be able to do what he does now in the same way. So my being at home contributes to the income he's able to earn.

 

Okay. I should not have read this thread!

 

So do I have no value then, since I am sick 99% of the time, spend too much on groceries and a quarter of our income on medical bills and need help to get the basic housework done? I stress my DH out so much that he ends up yelling at me for breaking my foot causing him more work at home and medical bills?

 

 

:(:crying:

 

Wow Carmen, I think you are really reaching on this one.

 

I have to agree.

 

I lost track of this thread and wasn't here at the WTM for a week or so after posting that. I just remembered this thread today and dug it up to finish reading what was posted and felt I had to reply to this since you quoted me, Carmen.

 

Your dh yelling at you and the other issues you brought up are between you and him, and I don't see how that has to do with how much value you have or if you stay at home or not. That's a whole other issue.

 

You can't compare yourself to other people and allow that to determine your value. Second, I didn't say that I am here making food from scratch and saving on our grocery bills and that I am never sick. I don't think you understood my comment, which was that I feel I make my own contributions just by being at home. My comment was about me and my husband and our belief about what I do being enough. I am okay with not having a ton of outside activities.

 

I'm sure your husband values the fact that you're there for the kids, being their mom, no matter how sick you are or what you're not able to do. It shouldn't be about that. I notice that you said further down that you feed and school the kids and that your husband is happier when you have your down time playing video games.

 

So I'm not sure why your comment is tied to my comment or why you chose to take my comment the way that you did.

Edited January 30, 2010 by Annie Laurie

[Lovedtodeath]

I have to agree.

 

I lost track of this thread and wasn't here at the WTM for a week or so after posting that. I just remembered this thread today and dug it up to finish reading what was posted and felt I had to reply to this since you quoted me, Carmen.

 

So I'm not sure why your comment is tied to my comment or why you chose to take my comment the way that you did.

I am sorry, it was not about your comment specifically. It was more about how I was feeling. I knew better than to single lionfamily1999 out with a quote, so I picked on you instead.

 

The sad thing is that even with migraines every day and chronic fatigue syndrome I managed to work part time... and could do some jobs full time, depending on the work load, but when I stay at home I fail miserably at fulfilling those responsibilities. With my health how it is right now I would be awesome back in the office multitasking. I do not have the physical stamina for the demands at home, and a broken bone makes it really difficult to care for a toddler and accomplish anything else.

 

Okay... that is a tangent if I ever saw one!

 

I am sorry if I offended you, Attachedto4. It wasn't what you said that made me feel bad. I was feeling that way anyway... and this whole thread rubs salt on the wound in a way.

[Annie Laurie]

I am sorry, it was not about your comment specifically. It was more about how I was feeling. I knew better than to single lionfamily1999 out with a quote, so I picked on you instead.

 

The sad thing is that even with migraines every day and chronic fatigue syndrome I managed to work part time... and could do some jobs full time, depending on the work load, but when I stay at home I fail miserably at fulfilling those responsibilities. With my health how it is right now I would be awesome back in the office multitasking. I do not have the physical stamina for the demands at home, and a broken bone makes it really difficult to care for a toddler and accomplish anything else.

 

Okay... that is a tangent if I ever saw one!

 

I am sorry if I offended you, Attachedto4. It wasn't what you said that made me feel bad. I was feeling that way anyway... and this whole thread rubs salt on the wound in a way.

 

Thanks for the apology and explanation.