We are not puppies, or an open letter on how I feel about being adopted.

[KidsHappen]

:grouphug:

[hornblower]

 

Just one of the reasons I don't like when people talk about "adopting" a pet. We adopt people. We BUY pets!

 

 

 

Well, I disagree.

 

My brother in law is adopted. I am auntie to two nephews, both int'l adoptions. Adoption is part of how our extended family is built.

 

AND I am active in animal rescue. My own animals are all adopted by me. I foster homeless, abandoned animals & I adopt them out to loving families. They are not sold. They are adopted out, & we accept charitable donations to pay for the costs incurred in helping other homeless and abandoned animals. We don't make money at this (just the opposite)

 

There is a difference in the animal world between sale & adoption which is just as clear as in the human world - between adoption, and slavery/ trafficking in people.

 

No living creature deserves to be unwanted, to be abandoned, to be neglected, to be unloved.

 

My compassion is large enough to wish this for all living beings: "All things bright & beautiful, all creatures large and small."

 

 

To the OP :grouphug:. Thanks for sharing your story. I do think most people who have been speaking on this in other threads have the very best of intentions. The sad reality is that we all carry wounds which others can irritate, often unknowingly. I don't think anyone is being callous about this at all. Many people feel moved to do something to help. Honestly, I'd rather people were moved and tried to help - even if they blunder, use the wrong words, and botch it up - than if they just shrugged their shoulders and said 'not my problem.'

[smrtmama]

Thank you for saying this. Because I am not adopted and have not ever adopted, I felt like I couldn't say it.

[The Governess]

On the evening of her third birthday, after a lovely family partly, my sweet dd said as I was tucking her into bed, "Adoption is a happy thing, but it is also a very sad thing." I held her in my arms, crawled beside her and said "It's true. It is." She asked, "Do you think she thinks about me?" I knew who 'she' was. I replied, "I can't imagine that your first mother doesn't think about you nearly all of the time. I wish I could call her up right now and tell her how wonderful you are". She sighed. She fell asleep in my arms and I probably wet the top of her head with my tears. Not out of sadness, but out of happiness that at such a young age she could speak about the sad/happy topic that is adoption in a such a secure and frank way.

 

I remembered once again feeling glad that we included her birth mother's name in naming her. There are pieces of her that are so special and unique to our family; including her bio mom's name. That says she is not ours alone. Nothing changes that and she would not be the person she is without that past. My dd has always known how and why we chose her name. (First name means something special to us, next name is my mother's, which we hyphenated with dd's birth mother's, last is our family name). DD has always expressed an interest in how we chose her name. :)

 

Adoption is happy, sad, complicated...all of that. It's reality.

 

I share this child. This absolutely beloved lovely child. She is more more talented, more beautiful, more funny, more clever than I ever was, or ever will be. She has a whole and rich past that is not about me, not about her present family. I find that exciting. I wish her first mother could see who she is. I sometimes fantasize that we can both look at her together, at the same time, and weep in joy. I know that sounds stupid to some, but she is more than the family she knows.

 

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I share your sentiments exactly, thank you for expressing them so beautifully.

[knit247]

ChristyB, I am going to reply before I read any replies. I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel exactly the same.

 

I am also adopted and the other day when I read a post where an adopted child was called a souvenir I felt like someone had just kicked me in the belly. Hard. I had to stop reading. I promise I am not trying to call that person out (I am not here enough to even know/remember who it was). We aren't souvenirs. We aren't illegitimate (one of the most disgusting words I have ever heard). And we aren't puppies. We are human beings, and we are still "the baby" in this whole equation.

 

Like ChristyB I truly believe that most adoptive parents have hearts of gold. I believe that most want to share their love and home with a child, be it biological or otherwise. I don't think that anyone has ever come on these forums and intentionally said something that they knew would be hurtful to adoptees. Truly.

 

But you want to know what I do think, sometimes, right or wrong? I think that some people get it in their heads that they are saving some poor, unloved and unwanted child - that they are that child's personal savior. If it weren't for them...

 

I have a very close family. No divorce. No abuse. Always went to church on Sun & Wed. I love my Mom & Dad. I never, ever wanted to search for my biological family. But you want to know what my own Mom said a few years ago? We were discussing SIL who had had a child outside of marriage and was pg with another (same father). My Mom called SIL's children illegitimate. When I voiced my disgust at that word and how it labels a child who had nothing to do with any of it, she insisted that they were still illegitimate. When I reminded her that I was born of an unwed mother, which would make me illegitimate, she replied, " I MADE you legitimate." She thinks that she is my <insert really strong expletive> savior. Oh, she loves me - of that I have no doubt - but she also thinks that she saved me and made me acceptable. Wow.

 

(Please remember that these are some of the thoughts that I have. I know that they are not totally rational and am in no way am I saying that this is what all biological mothers are like). But - I also sometimes think that some biological mothers are just plain selfish. I'd like to know how someone can carry a child for 9 months, feel that child move in their belly, give birth to the child, then just sign her away. Is it really because they think that their child will have a better life? Are they really that selfless? Or is it because they are young and single and don't want to be tied down? Is it because it's easier - yes easier - than bringing home a baby? How could my biological mother have done that to me? What is it about me that wasn't worth fighting for? I would live in a one-room apartment with my children before I let them go...

 

You know - it seems like (and again I am not attacking - I realize that I am sensitive to this) everyone always thinks about the biological mother and her feelings. And the adoptive parents and their feelings. But no one ever stops to consider that even though I am almost 40 years old - I AM STILL THE BABY IN ALL OF THIS. I am a baby. I am human. I am not illegitimate. I am not in need of saving. And I am not a prize to be held up for all to inspect.

[knit247]

...no one mentioned souvenirs and I don't think anyone was treating adoption like that on this board.

 

...Gently - Your mom was talking about a thing, not a person. She said that to her friend because she doesn't even fathom that anyone could make the comparison between a purse and the daughter she loves.

 

I haven't read past your post yet, so it may have been answered, but I wanted to say that there was a post in the past week where an adopted child was called a souviner. I can't imagine that there was any malice on the poster's part, but it hurt me to see that (I am also adopted).

 

Also, I feel sure that the secondhand purse comment was benign, but let me tell you a story that happened to me. All four grandparents were at THE ultrasound for DD#1. We were going to find out the sex, and this baby was the 1st grandchild on both sides. My in-laws commented on how much that blob on the screen looked like a <their last name>. Now, that totally innocent and natural remark didn't bother a soul - except my poor Mom. She later told me that that one sentence hurt her sooooo deeply. She felt like it was a punch in her belly that reminded her that her first grandchild wasn't biologically related. As adoptees (or adoptive or biological parents, for that matter), we may know that the intent to say something hurtful isn't there. But it can still bring on the hurt...

[knit247]

I'm an adoptive mom in 2 fully open adoptions with my kids' first families. As adoptive parents, we really tried to understand and accept that their loss meant our joy. That was a pretty bitter pill to swallow. But how much less bitter it has become as we spend Thanksgiving together as a family, all of us. Or how much better does it become when dd's birthmom and young son (dd's half brother) spends a few days of our Disney vacation over dd's birthday with us. :001_smile: It helps to heal a hell of a lot on all sides.

 

Our goal in this family is to continue to unite with each other, as an extended family. No secrets, no wondering, but transparency and openess to minimize the pain on all sides. I do everything I can to lessen any pain for my kids, and do it happily. I want their future to be as pain free as possible as well. I hope that neither of my kids will ever regret the path we've chosen to take and if they do, I can only beg for their grace, knowing I did my best.

 

I have always wondered how open adoptions work - mine was closed. I have always thought that I would be against them, but your post was just amazing! You sound like an absolutely amazing mother/family and I just felt I should tell you that. God bless you for being so open and honest and loving with your children.

[Christy B]

You know - it seems like (and again I am not attacking - I realize that I am sensitive to this) everyone always thinks about the biological mother and her feelings. And the adoptive parents and their feelings. But no one ever stops to consider that even though I am almost 40 years old - I AM STILL THE BABY IN ALL OF THIS. I am a baby. I am human. I am not illegitimate. I am not in need of saving. And I am not a prize to be held up for all to inspect.

 

:grouphug: Oh, Laurie. I know. :grouphug:

[knit247]

:grouphug:

 

Thanks for sharing that. All three of my kiddos joined us through the miracle of adoption. I hope our children always feel our love. You are not kidding, when you talk about misconceptions children may have. My 6 year old asked if we could "buy" another baby the other day. :scared: It wasn't the first time I've had to tell him, "we don't buy people!"

 

Just one of the reasons I don't like when people talk about "adopting" a pet. We adopt people. We BUY pets!

 

:grouphug: again

 

I know I keep posting, but I came across this thread late.

 

I have to add a funny here: my parents adopted my brother (not biologically related) when I was two. Apparently I was not happy about a new baby in the house and I asked my Mom one day if she would please return him to Thalheimers (a department store in our city)! I thought she bought him there just like anything else she bought! Too funny!

[Christy B]

To the OP :grouphug:. Thanks for sharing your story. I do think most people who have been speaking on this in other threads have the very best of intentions. The sad reality is that we all carry wounds which others can irritate, often unknowingly. I don't think anyone is being callous about this at all. Many people feel moved to do something to help. Honestly, I'd rather people were moved and tried to help - even if they blunder, use the wrong words, and botch it up - than if they just shrugged their shoulders and said 'not my problem.'

 

If it hasn't been clear in my posts that I agree, wholeheartedly, with this sentiment, please forgive me and chalk it up to poor writing.

[IdahoHomeschooler]

Christy,

 

I'm terribly sorry for your pain, and appreciate your courage in sharing your thoughts and experience.

 

You're post DOES make me uncomfortable- not in an offensive way, but by bringing some of my own worries out in the open. I feel strongly pulled toward adoption and, specifically, adoption from the foster care system. I find myself scanning waiting children lists, wondering what size family I can handle, what types of issues I can manage/heal/cope with/fix/survive, what histories I can accept and embrace... Quite frankly, it does feel like some sort of sick pound puppy search.

 

You're terminology leaves me with a lump in my throat because I see the legitimacy of it. I'm just not really sure what to do with it.

 

 

 

Carrie,

You should be uncomfortable with the OP's post, and it is good that you are. It means that you are considering that there are many more issues at stake with adoption, than the rose-colored view that is usually presented. I am *so* glad the OP wrote her post. However, from your post, I can see that you are discerning whether or not you have a home to offer a child, or how many children you can offer a home to. Looking at pictures of waiting children can really make it real that there are actual little people that need homes. That is what should be the goal of adoption- finding homes for children that need them. It should not be about finding children to fill a need.

[amyable]

I'm adopted too and I agree with you Christy 100%.

 

Christians (I am one) say that our worldly parents teach and model to us about our Heavenly Father. We are exhorted to model Godly love to our children so they can understand God's love.

 

Well, for the adopted child, they were rejected by their first parent. In my opinion, they experienced what it is like to be rejected by God. There is no worse experience. Jesus was in agony, not because of his physical suffering, but because he was separated from his Heavenly Father and his Heavenly Father had turned away from Him.

 

There are many people who never recover from such pain.:grouphug:

 

I get this - and often wonder if that's why I always feel God is so distant.

 

Very eloquent, Ruthie, and in my case at least, very true. I grew up being told how "perfect" God's plan was for my life. To express any hint of sadness or confusion was to spit in the face of God. As a Christian, this added dynamic is impossible to explain, and I am so moved that you understand.

 

 

I'm so glad you shared this - it's something I have been trying to make sense of and you helped by saying it so plainly.

 

But - I also sometimes think that some biological mothers are just plain selfish. I'd like to know how someone can carry a child for 9 months, feel that child move in their belly, give birth to the child, then just sign her away. Is it really because they think that their child will have a better life? Are they really that selfless? Or is it because they are young and single and don't want to be tied down? Is it because it's easier - yes easier - than bringing home a baby? How could my biological mother have done that to me? What is it about me that wasn't worth fighting for? I would live in a one-room apartment with my children before I let them go...

 

I think having kids has driven this home for me. I have suffered many many things for my kids, in some ways I feel I've been to h*ll and back. My kids are worth it. Why wasn't I?

 

You know - it seems like (and again I am not attacking - I realize that I am sensitive to this) everyone always thinks about the biological mother and her feelings. And the adoptive parents and their feelings. But no one ever stops to consider that even though I am almost 40 years old - I AM STILL THE BABY IN ALL OF THIS. I am a baby. I am human. I am not illegitimate. I am not in need of saving. And I am not a prize to be held up for all to inspect.

 

I often quote a line from the Disney movie Aladdin, when the others are talking about the princess and whom she is to marry, "I am not a prize to be won!"

 

I must admit I have a hard time reading threads about adoption (except when they are written by adoptees ;)). While I am always so happy for the adoptive parents, I always get this "rug pulled out from under me" feeling.

 

Thank you again, Christy, for sharing with us. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: (Feel free, any of you, to PM me, I'm much better at sharing my feelings in private or on my blog)

[Impish]

I'm married to an adoptee. His birth mother had an unknown number of babies, all surrendered or removed at one age or another. I say 'unknown' because 7 sibs have been 'found', including one that didn't want her info known...and of the sibs we know, 6 out of 7 have FASD to one degree or another. My dh's youngest sister is the one unaffected.

 

His adopted mom let him know that he 'owed' her all his life.

 

Me? I'm what's sometimes called 'adoptee lite'. My mother divorced her first husband (who, as it turns out, *might* be my bfather). She kept me, and gave up my younger brother to her ex, so that there was no visitation after.

 

I was abused too...at 12, was told that I would have been a victim of incest if my mother hadn't kept me, and threats of being sent away were common...plus the physical abuse.

 

I entered foster care *by choice* at age 15, where I was s*xually abused by the foster father.

 

So when I say I understand, I mean just that. I get it. I was the one that found my dh's bfather...several months too late. He'd passed away just a few months prior. Turns out he was a drunk too.

 

I was in contact with my brother and 'bfather' at 16, and again in my 20s, and walked away. I couldn't be who they wanted me to be, and they weren't able to be what I needed/wanted either. I explain it by saying that they were strangers with familiar faces, but strangers...and frankly, if they weren't 'familiar' I wouldn't have wanted a relationship with either of them, so why should I *have* to have one?

 

My dh has found the same with his sibs. He's only in contact with 2 of the ones found.

 

I posted an adoption thread myself yesterday...about being angry of a brother and sister being split up, and wanting so much to be able to say, "Please, let us be their family." My dh and I have talked about adoption all our marriage, its something we want to do...but may be denied because I have RSD, and take narcotics.

 

My youngest BIL, himself adopted by a wonderful family he adores, is against us adopting. He says he's just plain against adoption, period. When asked if bouncing around foster care, or being allowed to stay in abusive homes is better, he has no answer.

 

We'll see where God leads us.

 

Not all adoptive parents are good, and not all birth families are good either.

 

Its a crapshoot, as life is. Fortunately, there are the good.

[Hockey Mom]

Not really, Audrey. I'm trying to say that she should be glad to be alive, and celebrate it, rather than bemoaning the fact that she was adopted.

 

Mostly I was writing in response to Laurie's comments about the "selfishness" of birth mothers.

 

I 'got' what you were saying. And I agree with you.

[lmrich]

This is a wonderful conversation to follow and I appreciate all of you opening your hearts and sharing with us. I like to see all sides of a situation and I applaud all of you for chiming in and enlighting me on this topic. Thank you all for sharing; it gives me a lot to think about and pray about.

[Haiku]

I am an adoptive mother of two children who were adopted from orphanages. I live every day with the fallout from what happened to them before they came to our family. I know that their feelings are valid, and I do the best I can to let them know that I accept their feelings.

 

I do, however, get frustrated with the idea that we should always focus on validating an adopted person's negative (or sad, or confused, or whatever) feelings and that it's somehow taboo to point out that adoption can also be a good thing. I do think this idea can rob a sense of peace from adopted people.

 

My kids came from orphanages in other countries. Their futures were very bleak and they simply did not have parents anymore. I get tired of being accused of stealing a child from his culture, or being a baby-buyer who shopped for a designer baby, or a sneak who participated in a corrupt adoption system.

 

I am, simply, a mother to children who came to me through adoption. I did not "save" or "rescue" my kids. I gave them what all children deserve ... loving parents. I am not a hero for doing this. I am not a saint. I am not selfish or selfless for doing this. My dh and I wanted children and there were children growing up without benefit of loving parents. That we and my children were able to find one another is something that never ceases to amaze me. I'm not minimizing the emotional struggles of adopted people. I just find that there is so much emphasis on them that the idea that we can and could be a happy family is somehow traitorous. I have been told by anti-adoption people that there is no such thing as a child without parents, but having visited many orphanages, my opinion is that there sure as hell are. If a child is living in an orphanage and has no contact with their parents, they are parentless. And they deserve better.

 

As I posted in the other thread, my kids and my family have had many adoption-related struggles. I totally get that my kids' feelings will not always be shiny and happy. I don't expect gratitude from my adopted kids any more than I do from my bio kid (which is to say, I hope that when ALL my kids grow up they have the perspective to see my dh and I as the imperfect and fallible yet loving parents we are, just as I have grown to see my parents). I just wish that the idea that adoption can bring positives into an adopted person's life weren't currently so un-PC. I think it's a backlash against the old attitude of "adopted kids will fit right in and adoption never need be discussed." I hope for more balance in the future.

 

As an adoptive parent, it hurts as bad to be told (as though I don't know) that my kids are not puppies, prizes, or souveniers as it probably hurts an adopted person to feel that others regard them that way.

 

Tara

Edited January 16, 2010 by TaraTheLiberator

[Denisemomof4]

Wow, Laurie (and Christy), it sounds as though no one can do anything right and avoid hurting your feelings. Did you ever think about the fact that it would have been extremely easy for your birth mother to abort you? She had to face social disgrace, likely loss of income or schooling, and nine months of physical discomfort to give you life. And after all that, after all the sacrifices she made for you, you're slamming her for rejecting you?? Did you ever think that possibly the one who really rejected you was your birth father? Or even your grandparents? You just can't know unless you go and search for your birth mother and ask her. I just can't believe that a selfish person would forego having an abortion and spend close to a year of her life making sure that you arrived safely into the world.

 

It's likely that your birth mother thinks about you every single day. She probably looks for you in crowds of people. She probably doesn't want to hone in on your life with your adopted family, but she hasn't forgotten you, just as you couldn't forget one of your own children. It has probably been a tremendous source of comfort to her that she gave you life and a good home. She would probably be deeply hurt and disappointed that you are holding such a grudge against her.

 

All this to say that life is short. There are many horribly tragic situations in this world, but having the chance to be born (instead of aborted) and to grow up in a loving home probably isn't one of them.

 

Sorry to be blunt. No, I wasn't adopted myself, but my mother was, and I've read and thought about the adoption process for many years.

 

Oh -- and I want to add -- nowadays it's easier than ever to track down information. It's likely that you can locate your birth mother within days or hours. You can search for other relatives. Adoptions (especially adoptions within the U.S.) are seldom areas of dark, secret information anymore, which means that you don't have to spend your whole life wondering about who you came from or what their situation was.

 

Did you read about the adoption PROCESS or about adoption ISSUES? The reason I ask is that if you had read about the PROCESS, that just shows you what to expect while you're adopting. But if you read about adoption ISSUES, you would have known not to type such an insensitive response.

 

I completely applaud Christy and Laurie. I stayed online anxiously awaiting Laurie's posts, knowing she was reading through everything and would likely post responses. THe pain they speak of I have seen since my daughter was TWO. It's not something imaginary, it was there, I saw it, my daughter speaks of it. TWO YEARS OLD and she'd say, out of the blue, "I wonder what my birth mom is wearing today?" She'd cry from the depths of her soul about her birth mother. It's REAL. If your mother was one of the fortunate ones who was blessed with wonderful parents AND THE ATTITUDE of They Are My Parents, My Only Parents, WONDERFUL. But I do not believe that is the case most often. I've done a TON of reading and rejection and abandonment are life long issues most adoptees suffer through. Celebrating birthdays are one of the hardest days of the year for them. I've read it in countless books by countless therapists. Many, many adopted children don't talk openly to their parents about this because they don't want to hurt their feelings OR, like a PP said, because it wasn't welcome. How tragic.

 

I have tried everything under the moon to help my daughter. We've come a LONG way. BUT, she has inner struggles and pain and they've been there from the beginning and she'll likely struggle with them for the rest of her life. I don't tell her things that many Christian mom do. I tell her that God never intended for a baby to be separated from its mother but that once sin entered the world, it's been all downhill from there. I don't want her to think it's ok that a mother can get rid of a child. And when she's old enough to know what abortion is, then I'll explain that to her.

 

But to tell an adopted person that they need to get over themselves and stop being easily offended or hurt, be thankful they weren't aborted, be thankful they're alive - I'm sorry. It's not only insensitive, it's wrong. And I know you didn't use those words, but that was the tone of your message.

 

I strongly encourage you to remove your hurtful post.

[knit247]

Did you ever think about the fact that it would have been extremely easy for your birth mother to abort you? She had to face social disgrace, likely loss of income or schooling, and nine months of physical discomfort to give you life. And after all that, after all the sacrifices she made for you, you're slamming her for rejecting you?? Did you ever think that possibly the one who really rejected you was your birth father? Or even your grandparents? You just can't know unless you go and search for your birth mother and ask her. I just can't believe that a selfish person would forego having an abortion and spend close to a year of her life making sure that you arrived safely into the world.

 

It's likely that your birth mother thinks about you every single day. She probably looks for you in crowds of people. She probably doesn't want to hone in on your life with your adopted family, but she hasn't forgotten you, just as you couldn't forget one of your own children. It has probably been a tremendous source of comfort to her that she gave you life and a good home. She would probably be deeply hurt and disappointed that you are holding such a grudge against her.

 

 

OK - I admit that you have hit a nerve, so please / honestly forgive me if I am snarky. I truly don't want to be. You can see, however, from my quote below that I specifically said in more than one place that these are my thoughts and feelings, and that I realize that they are likely irrational...

 

 

But you want to know what I do think...

 

(Please remember that these are some of the thoughts that I have. I know that they are not totally rational and am in no way am I saying that this is what all biological mothers are like).

 

...(and again I am not attacking - I realize that I am sensitive to this)

 

I was born in 1970, so abortion was not an option for my biological mother. Thankfully, my biological mother had a supportive mother herself - she wasn't sent off to a home for unwed mothers, nor was she ridiculed in her own family. She was not allowed to leave the house in daylight, however, and certainly had to hide the fact that she was pg from anyone other than immediate friends and family. She continued school at home and graduated on time. Until two weeks before she gave birth, she thought that my biological father was coming home form the Air Force (they were high school sweethearts & he had already graduated & joined the USAF) to marry her. Her own mother was living with an abusive, alcoholic husband (my biological mother's step-father - her father was tragically killed in a freak accident several years earlier), and had two young sons (I believe they were both under 5yo) plus three daughters to raise. When she realized that my biological father wasn't coming home to marry her, she felt that she had no choice but to put me up for adoption.

 

For the record, I never "slammed" my biological mother for giving me up. I asked a question that has been SEARED in my mind for my entire life: "What is it about me that wasn't worth fighting for?" Unless you are adopted you will never understand that feeling. Never. I didn't say that she was a rotten person - I asked what the Hell was wrong with me??? Why was I not good enough...

 

For the record, my biological mother found me in 2001. You are right - there are all sorts of ways to search on the internet these days. But I wasn't searching. At all. She was. And when she didn't find me online, searching for her, she hired a private investigator to find me. When they found me she called me out of the blue, announcing that she was my mother. I had a newborn baby (she knew this from the report) and the entire episode threw me into a tail-spin. It was obvious that I wasn't searching, yet she had to initiate contact to satisfy her curiosity. It was a selfish move. Period. You want more info on this & I'll provide it. Long story short, we had a very rocky start, but now I consider her one of my very best friends (although I do not think of her as my mother in any way). I also met and had a wonderful relationship with my biological father, before he passed away. I lay with that man on his death-bed (literally) and he told me the same story my biological mother has. So I know the who-what-when-where-why-and how. But I promise you it has not erased the fact that I feel like I was signed away like a piece of clothing at a consignment shop. Until you walk in my shoes...

 

And none of that changes how I feel - right or wrong.

[Jenny in Atl]

Where the heck was she bemoaning the fact that she was adopted. Your tone comes across as very superior and denigrating. Let's just say my tone is chiding. Empathy, Rebecca????

 

I think she totally missed Christy's point. Adoption is like a divorce, in a way. Even if it's the best for the original family not to stay as one, it's still hard. Yes, a new baby or child is a joy (gift, blessing,etc) but many don't fully grasp the depth of responsibility, and the long-term challenges that adoption can bring. Children whether bio or adopted are challenging, as are the adults. :001_smile:

[Christy B]

Well, Rebecca, if you wanted to prove that my feelings could be hurt, well done.

 

Wow, Laurie (and Christy), it sounds as though no one can do anything right and avoid hurting your feelings.

 

Oh, yes, these are *clearly* the comments from someone who believes no one can do anything right, and who is concerned only about her own feelings: "I appreciate and admire your dedication to your children. I would never question your love or devotion to them . . . There are some who amaze me with their sensitivity and I am thankful to have the opportunity to say thank-you . . .

 

Did you ever think about the fact that it would have been extremely easy for your birth mother to abort you?

 

Yes. I have thought about it often. I grew up with having my nose rubbed in it on a regular basis. Every time I *dared* to express any mixed emotions on the subject, I was reminded that I was just so darn lucky to not have been aborted (that did wonders for my self-esteem . . . to be reminded that I was *barely* worth saving . . . so thanks for bringing it up again)./B]

 

She had to face social disgrace, likely loss of income or schooling, and nine months of physical discomfort to give you life.

 

No, in fact, she did not. And I am curious as to how you arrive at such a conclusion?

 

And after all that, after all the sacrifices she made for you, you're slamming her for rejecting you??

 

I slammed her? For rejecting me? Where did I do that? Perhaps I should have been quite specific and said that when I mentioned the "sad and frightened girl who simply couldn't raise a child" I was talking about my birth mother. Where did I once, even hint at "slamming" my birth or adoptive parents?

 

Did you ever think that possibly the one who really rejected you was your birth father?

 

Yes. I did. And yes, he did. And again, thanks so much for bringing that up and rubbing my nose in it. How does that fact in any way mitigate or nullify my feelings about adoption?

 

Or even your grandparents?

 

Certainly. And I happen to know that they said that they would have liked to have been involved in my life. And they tried to send a little sweater for me, as a token of their affection. But that gesture was rejected by well-meaning people involved, and you have no idea -- no idea -- what I would give to have that little sweater.

 

You just can't know unless you go and search for your birth mother and ask her.

 

And you are so intimately acquainted with me to know that I haven't searched?

 

I just can't believe that a selfish person would forego having an abortion and spend close to a year of her life making sure that you arrived safely into the world.

 

I agree. I never said my birth mother was selfish. But, I'm curious as to how you know I arrived safely? Apparently, you know quite a bit about my medical history. Except, of course, you don't, which explains why you assume that I have no medical conditions that could possibly be related to poor pre-natal care.

 

It's likely that your birth mother thinks about you every single day. She probably looks for you in crowds of people. She probably doesn't want to hone in on your life with your adopted family, but she hasn't forgotten you, just as you couldn't forget one of your own children. It has probably been a tremendous source of comfort to her that she gave you life and a good home. She would probably be deeply hurt and disappointed that you are holding such a grudge against her.

 

Wow, I'm amazed at how much you know about my birth mom. And how apparently my comment that "We will wonder on our birthdays if there is someone out there thinking of us." . . . means I am holding a grudge against her. And again, I wonder how pointing out all of these things about my birth mother is supposed to nullify my own feelings?

 

All this to say that life is short. There are many horribly tragic situations in this world, but having the chance to be born (instead of aborted) and to grow up in a loving home probably isn't one of them.

 

Did I use the word "tragic" to describe my life? I'm not sure how you get "tragic" when I describe my mom as "the dearest, kindest person I know" and when I describe adoption as ". . . clearly the best, and sometimes only, choice -- for adoptive parents and for adoptees. I am a big fan of adoption. Parents who are eager to share their love and their homes, children who are blessed to be placed in homes where they are so wanted and appreciated -- it can be, and usually is, a beautiful thing."

 

Sorry to be blunt.

 

No problem. Since you were blunt in your post, I took the liberty of being somewhat blunt in my response. There are many, many blunt things that I am also choosing to keep to myself.

 

No, I wasn't adopted myself, but my mother was, and I've read and thought about the adoption process for many years.

 

So, that *clearly* makes you qualified to lecture me on how *I* should feel about *my* adoption. Thanks for clarifying that for me.

 

Oh -- and I want to add -- nowadays it's easier than ever to track down information. It's likely that you can locate your birth mother within days or hours. You can search for other relatives. Adoptions (especially adoptions within the U.S.) are seldom areas of dark, secret information anymore, which means that you don't have to spend your whole life wondering about who you came from or what their situation was.

 

Again, I am amazed at how much you know about my personal adoption search. I choose not to divulge any more personal information at this point, but let me assure you, there is a reason they are called "closed adoptions". You have no idea -- no idea -- what you are talking about. And yes, I will most likely spend my whole life wondering.

 

 

[Rebecca VA]

Dot, Laurie spent a whole paragraph discussing her feelings about not understanding how a birth mother could give up her child. I simply wanted to give another perspective on this. It's so easy to go to an abortion clinic and have an abortion. A woman who would -- courageously -- insist on giving life rather than death to her child is to be applauded. She should be thanked. And if she made the choice to have the child grow up with a loving family (possibly realizing that her own family situation and life situation was not a great thing to bring a baby into), she shouldn't be castigated for that.

 

When people think and talk *too* much about their innermost feelings, things can go downhill quickly and they can get very self-pitying. I'm sorry that my attempt to present a more balanced view of the adoption situation is not what people want to hear.

[Denisemomof4]

I am an adoptive mother of two children who were adopted from orphanages. I live every day with the fallout from what happened to them before they came to our family. I know that their feelings are valid, and I do the best I can to let them know that I accept their feelings.

 

I do, however, get frustrated with the idea that we should always focus on validating an adopted person's negative (or sad, or confused, or whatever) feelings and that it's somehow taboo to point out that adoption can also be a good thing. I do think this idea can rob a sense of peace from adopted people.

 

 

 

I *completely* understand what you're saying.

 

I try very hard to validate my daughter's feelings, accept them, help her work through them, AND help her not to focus on them. I delicately try to find a balance between ALLOWING her to discuss the negative/hurtful/scary feelings, ENCOURAGING it, and not letting it RULE HER LIFE. It's not easy.

[Rebecca VA]

I'm sorry, Christy -- I was really responding to Laurie. I didn't read all of your posts and didn't see the part about your birth parents. Please accept my apology for mentioning you.

[Rebecca VA]

Thank you for the information, Laurie. I'm glad you got to know your birth parents. Again, I do think that when people think too much about a situation, things can go downhill. I will stop posting on this thread now.

[Denisemomof4]

removed once I saw the offending poster said she wouldn't post anymore.

 

Ladies, I'm sick to my stomach over this. I'm so sorry she opened up your wounds and then poured salt in them.

Edited January 16, 2010 by Denisemomof4

[Impish]

Ok. I, for one, don't get along with the 'courageous' label at all.

 

My husband's birth mother was a drunk, and sometimes addict. She didn't have abortions for all her pregnancies (we don't know how many she didn't, its been hinted that she did have at least one, but she's deceased, so who knows?). We do know for sure that 3 of the kids that she didn't lose immediately...The two boys were left to fend for themselves and infant sister, stealing, begging, etc while 'Mom' went on benders, disappearing for days, weeks at a time. Both of those boys are now drug addicts themselves. Again, all but ONE of her kids has FASD (that we know of). My youngest BIL was abandoned in the hospital at birth, since he wasn't expected to survive. Only three of the children (7 that we know of) were adopted. The other 4 aged out of foster care.

 

The romantic notion that a young woman selflessly gave of herself, sacrificed, wondered, etc isn't always applicable.

 

I've heard more than one adoptee being ambushed by a birth mom. I've heard birth mothers insist that they deserve the title, 'Mom' because they gave birth, and demand a relationship with the adoptee.

 

Just as folks agree it takes more than sperm to be a Dad, it takes more than a uterus to be a Mom too.

 

Are there women out there that mourn for their unknown child? Absolutely. But to paint all women with that brush is inappropriate, as generalizations often are. To paint birth fathers as the ones rejecting is as well, as some men never knew a pregnancy had even occurred.

 

Adoptions are complicated. Some adoptees don't want to be found, don't mourn a loss. Some birth parents are the same. For others, it is a pain filled situation.

 

I wonder though...what is the better alternative? Is there one?

[OLG]

This old lady adoptee reading OP comments felt empathy too. Skip the souvenir and pet thing for me, because I've never encountered that personally but I do know deep in my heart ,still, the abandonment issues. They never really go away, I think. They do become less severe but it's always there.

 

Giving birth to my own child brought to light the distinctions between being an adoptee and a child of natural parents. It's a simply matter of knowing, feeling in your gut, that you belong, that you are a part of this family unit by birth. As an adoptee, I always felt I had to excel, be extra accommodating to my parents, never rock the boat. IT was restrictive. My parents never were the ones to impose any of this on me by words or actions, it was just an innate reaction for some reason. My kid doesn't have any of those ropes around him.

 

My in-laws adopted two kids. They are adults now. In-laws blame 'adoption' for all the battles and failures these poor kids have had. That is very strange to me! But, there are just so many different experiences on both sides of the equation that almost any scenario need not be a surprise.

 

A big thank you to all the adoptive parents out there - your love will eventually be all that we remember as we age. Yes, we might never feel like we fit snugly into the world but we know that you loved us and cared for us by choice. (Just don't be like my in-laws and blame the birth parents for any future 'problems', please!)

 

Thanks to the OP too for opening this discussion!

 

Mary

[jujsky]

 

For the record, my biological mother found me in 2001. You are right - there are all sorts of ways to search on the internet these days. But I wasn't searching. At all. She was. And when she didn't find me online, searching for her, she hired a private investigator to find me. When they found me she called me out of the blue, announcing that she was my mother. I had a newborn baby (she knew this from the report) and the entire episode threw me into a tail-spin. It was obvious that I wasn't searching, yet she had to initiate contact to satisfy her curiosity. It was a selfish move. Period. You want more info on this & I'll provide it. Long story short, we had a very rocky start, but now I consider her one of my very best friends (although I do not think of her as my mother in any way). I also met and had a wonderful relationship with my biological father, before he passed away. I lay with that man on his death-bed (literally) and he told me the same story my biological mother has. So I know the who-what-when-where-why-and how. But I promise you it has not erased the fact that I feel like I was signed away like a piece of clothing at a consignment shop. Until you walk in my shoes...

 

And none of that changes how I feel - right or wrong.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Oh, Laurie! I have no other words except, "I'm sorry." I'm sure you were worth fighting for, but I bet your bio mom felt she had no options and no choice. Thank you for being so open -- it takes a lot of courage.

Edited January 17, 2010 by jujsky

[KrissiK]

I am not adopted, but my brother is, and my three children are and 2 of my nephews are. Adoption is a huge part of our lives. I agree that adoption isn't anyone's first choice. It was my DH's and my first choice for me to get pregnant, but we didn't. I'm sure it would have been my boys' b-mother's first choice to ... I don't know what. Not be in a gang, not be a meth addict, not live a violent life. I'm dreading the day my daughter realizes the circumstances of her adoption because I'm not sure how she will handle the rejection - it was pretty bad. THere's already a knife at my heart waiting for that day. We are all living a "second choice", but we are a happy family. DH and I would give our lives for our kids, and I hope my kids are able to rise above and deal with the issues that come with adoption and not let them drag them down.

[Heather in Neverland]

Gosh, I just read through this whole thread and to be honest...it is just depressing. It takes all the joy out of the idea of a group of people becoming a FAMILY.

 

Maybe I am just the kind of person who tries to focus on the positive?

 

I have a lot of adoption stories in my family. My husband is adopted. He has zero abandonment issues...doesn't even think about his birthparents...is not defined by being "adopted".

 

His sister is also adopted and feels the same way.

 

My younger ds will be 6yo next month. We are open about the fact that he is adopted (kind of hard not to be, he is Korean). He has zero interest in the topic, never brings it up. Maybe he will later? Right now he is just too busy being a kid to care.

 

And now we have Natalie. Her birthmom is a scared 15yo girl who got pregnant in a culture that does not look the other way on those sort of things. She did a very brave thing. She could have gotten abortion (albeit illegally but it is done here all the time). She didn't. She did the only thing she could do. And I am sure that she will forever wonder about the daughter she gave up.

 

I am not a saint. I did not adopt these children for "charity" reasons. I wanted these children with every fiber of my being. I love them just as much as my bio child.

 

There may be questions later in life about where, and why, and how? I will answer them the best I can. I will never make them feel like rejects or cast-offs. I will never tell them how "lucky" they are. Because, in fact, I am the one who is lucky...lucky to have them in MY life. But I will also teach them to focus on the positives in EVERY part of their life. Crappy things happen to people all the time but I do not let those events define me and I hope my children won't either. I am grateful to God for every blessing I have in my life and I will teach them to do the same.

 

Families come in all shapes and sizes these days...bio, adopted, foster, step children, children of all different races and mixed races...the "traditional" nuclear, biological, single ethnicity family is not the only way and it isn't the "better" way. My "biological" father is the biggest waste of oxygen on earth. As cliche as it sounds, it takes more than DNA to be a parent.

 

As a mother of one biological child and two adopted children... I pray you can find some peace about your situation. :grouphug:

[KrissiK]

Thank you for what you wrote, Heather. I agree, I get down listening to adult adoptees at times. Sometimes I feel like I did something wrong adopting my kids. But, like you said, what was the alternative? My boys had a road of drugs, gangs and violence ahead of them. We're no saints either, but they have a stable life with two parents who love them.

 

I just had to respond again to this post. Thanks Heather!