Amber Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 o.k. we started going to a different church. We have been twice. My daughters friend goes there and they have a very large teen group. Our dd is 15. Friday night they are having a lock-in. The boys will stay at the church. The girls will be going to someones house. There will be 20 to 30 highschool girls. The lock in starts at 8:30 p.m. Friday night and ends at 8:00 a.m. Sat. morning. We have never done over nights unless we know the family very well. My dh and I do not feel right about this because we do not know the family, are new to the church etc. My dd and her friend are gung ho about going. Her friend wants me to call the youth pastor and discuss the details. Dd and her friend are talking about how much fun etc. Would you let your dd go on something like this????? Thanks, Amber Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. H. Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 We have never done over nights unless we know the family very well.My dh and I do not feel right about this because we do not know the family, are new to the church etc. Nope, and you just stated your two reasons why. There is no reason for a change in church or friends to necessitate a change in your standards or parenting practices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.griff Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 No, most likely not, especially not in the circumstances you've given. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 and we all stayed at the church! :) There was way too much supervision for anything bad to happen. So yes, I would let my daughter go to a church lock in. I can see your hesitation since it's a new church. Could you perhaps volunteer to help with the event and even follow the girls to the other house for a bit? I am sure the adults of the house would like extra eyes. And you would be perfectly right to say no to this one but perhaps the next one after you get to know the adults better. Obviously you don't know the people of the house the girls are going to and that gives you full right to say no. But perhaps she could do the church activity part earlier in the evening? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anewday Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 No (that's a strong no but I'm trying to contain it :D). I've heard way too many stories of innocent overnighters with plenty of chaperones etc. and still stuff happens.... We just don't feel it's a risk worth taking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HollyDay Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 well, if lockins today are anything like they were when I was a teen - Absolutely Not! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PariSarah Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 . . . in theory, yes, I'd be okay with it. Especially since it seems like they're trying to be attentive to boy-girl issues. I think calling the youth pastor is a good idea. If you knew more about the details, you could make a better decision. I've been on many lock-ins, FWIW, both as youth and as chaperon/leader. There was only one of them that I really wouldn't have wanted my kids to participate in. That one, the kids all brought their duke nuke-'em up kaplowie bongo blast video games, and the youth pastor intern was too wussie to tell them no. (That would have been me. And that was the last time I made that mistake, I assure you.) They spent all night playing violent video games--no good bonding moments, and everything the youth pastor (yes, me again) tried to do flopped because the kids were too interested in the exploding demon-heads. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 only if I can stay. otherwise, no way, no how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in VA Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I would not allow it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janna Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 My dd went to her first church lock in over New Year's Eve-New Year's Day. She is only 9yo. HOWEVER, we have been attending this church for many years and we know everyone. Also, it was for 1st-5th graders only, so we knew there wouldn't be any "messing around". My dd had a great time and can't wait to go back again this year. I went to lock-in's at my church growing up and I know it was when I was in Jr. High and maybe once when I was in H.S. The girls and boys weren't even separated. But we were so highly chaperoned that there wasn't any way we could get into trouble. I always had a great time and it helped me know my friends better. I also don't let my dc spend the night anywhere if we don't know the people extremely well. In your situation though, I would probably still be inclined to let her go. For one, she's 14. For another, the girls are in a totally separate place. I would definitely, without a doubt, be talking not only to the youth group leader about this and getting absolutely all of my questions answered, but I would also be talking to other parents who've had their children go in the past. But above all of that, I would pray. It may be that in your situation, the discernment you and your dh have is correct. But it also might be misplaced fear. Only the Good Lord can guide you in this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 No way, no how, not in this lifetime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 o.k. we started going to a different church. We have been twice. My dh and I do not feel right about this because we do not know the family, are new to the church etc. Not in this situation due to the two reasons you mentioned above. You don't know the people, and you and dh "do not feel right about this." In addition to your reasons, I've always remembered the responses from a few years back on another forum to a question about church lock-ins. 4 or 5 of the moms on there confessed to getting pregnant on the night of church lock-ins. If it was an all-girl night, I would consider it IF I had been attending the church long enough to know the leaders well; I doubt that dh and I will EVER allow our dc to attend mixed-gender lock-ins. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Why do these threads always make me feel like the most permissive parent on the planet (lovely little alliteration, eh? ;))?! I'm not. We're not. But, I would have no problem with allowing my teenage daughter to partake in this sort of event. My feeling is that it would give her a good opportunity to get to know some of the kids in the new church, which would be important to me, not to mention to her. The fact that the leadership is separating the boys from the girls tells me that there is already great consideration being given for the "what mights". I participated in many lock-ins as well as weekend and week long, overnight, church camps in my middle and high school days. They provided incredible, bonding, spiritual, NOT SEXUAL experiences for me. I think some of my most powerful spiritual experiences happened at those events. It would have been a shame if my parents had not allowed me to participate out of fear of the unknown. They just didn't live my life for me that way, I guess, and trusted me as well. I know the world is a different place than it was in the 1970's...but it's sad to me that things which had/have the potential to be fun for our kids are now such trouble spots for parents. Doran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. H. Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Why do these threads always make me feel like the most permissive parent on the planet? Doran, I read a lot of the replies that you write on here, and I don't think you're a super permissive parent. I don't really think anyone one these boards is poor at protecting their children, and it's very rare that I think that anyone is letting their children get away with too much. I think that you are basing your decisions on the fact that you had a wonderful experience as a youth, with a Godly youth group and leadership that protected you when you were young, both from others and from what you might do yourself. There are a great many (sadly) of us that base our parenting decisions with a skewed world view. We either did things ourselves that we shouldn't have, or we were abused, threatened, bullied, or intimidated by older youth. We weren't protected by the leadership, and the Godly focus was not there. My dh had a wonderful, ideal childhood, and I had a terrible one that has left marks that are here today. When we don't agree on some parenting issue, our backgrounds and past are usually the reason why. I assume it is similar here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 We've been attending the same church for about 10 years, and I would certainly have allowed my daughter to do a lock-in by age 15. (I put this in the conditional because she is now off at college and no longer a member of the youth group and the lock-in thing had not come up before she left.) However, I would have felt comfortable because I knew most of the other girls in the youth group and their parents and because I knew the religious education director and youth group leaders. And mostly, of course, because I know my daughter. Given all of those factors and the situation you described--boys and girls segregated and pleny of supervision--I would probably have allowed my daughter to participate even at a much younger age. I suspect my family may not be typical of the families on this board, though. Both of my kids have sung with choirs that travel, and we've let them start going away for the weekend without us by the time they are 9 or 10. My daughter did sleep-away camp last summer at age 12 for two weeks, and my son will be away for two separate week-long excursions (one travelling with his choir and one to camp) this summer at age 10. What's funny is that, in our circle, we're considered a bit over-protective. I will say, though, that given how new you are to this church, I don't think it's unreasonable to say no this time. --Jenny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janna Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I must admit that I too, am surprised at all the "no's". It was a blast for me as a kid too. I do hear what Mrs. H is saying and I definitely want to be sensitive to that. I also am in agreement that perhaps the OP should consider chaperoning so she can have 1st hand knowledge of the situation. But honestly, being 14yo AND separated at a completely different location (not even just a different room in the same building) would be fine with me and tells me that the leaders are sensitive to possible situations as well. But I stand by what I said in my post above. While I'm surprised at all the "nope's", only prayer and discussion with the church leaders will help the OP in discerning whether her fear (and dh's) is justified or misplaced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Doran, I read a lot of the replies that you write on here, and I don't think you're a super permissive parent. I don't really think anyone one these boards is poor at protecting their children, and it's very rare that I think that anyone is letting their children get away with too much. I think that you are basing your decisions on the fact that you had a wonderful experience as a youth, with a Godly youth group and leadership that protected you when you were young, both from others and from what you might do yourself. There are a great many (sadly) of us that base our parenting decisions with a skewed world view. We either did things ourselves that we shouldn't have, or we were abused, threatened, bullied, or intimidated by older youth. We weren't protected by the leadership, and the Godly focus was not there. My dh had a wonderful, ideal childhood, and I had a terrible one that has left marks that are here today. When we don't agree on some parenting issue, our backgrounds and past are usually the reason why. I assume it is similar here. Thank you for this. It does explain a lot, and it helps me see the different choices people make with a broader mind. I'd have to say that my childhood was pretty ideal (save the ego-smashing that went on in middle high which haunts me still), but I can see how others might view "the world" differently if they'd had experiences like yours. I'm sorry. ((((Mrs. H)))) Doran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CLHCO Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I know a youth group baby who is about 15 now. :blush: I see no reason to do co-ed overnights and find them down-right inappropriate in some ways. Yeah, let's get a pile of hormonal youth and stick them in a room overnight together. Great idea. The mental circus you put the boys through is enough to give me pause. Not all youth group children are from strong households with wholesome upbringing. My girls can be gracious and friendly to them but they don't need to sleep with them. But if I was very confident of the leadership I could consider a girls-only thing - with female only leadership too, I might add. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne/Ankara Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 No, but I just don't like those kind of group activities. Not something I would let my kids do. (Also, why? What exactly is the point of the lock-in?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PariSarah Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 (Also, why? What exactly is the point of the lock-in?) Generally, lock-ins are for: 1) having fun 2) getting kids out of their routine for the purpose of discipleship (kind of like retreats) 3) having fun 4) being silly 5) bonding as fellow Christians, and 6) having fun. Did you mean this lock-in, as opposed to lock-ins in general? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Yes, we allow lock ins. But not knowing the family where your dd would be staying and being new to the church would be reasons for me to consider disallowing *this* one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I love lock-ins! But in your case, I might say no until you are more sure that you will be staying at the church, and until you feel more confidence in the leadership. If you really want to give it a chance, maybe you could volunteer. I'm sure you would get a better idea of the whole youth group thing if you were a part of it, even if just for a little while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Why? I'm sorry but I really don't see any pros to doing this. But I do see lots of potential cons to doing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I think lock-ins are great, in general. But, knowing that you're new to the church, I would call the youth pastor, ask about in whose house the girls are staying and who will be chaperoning that many girls all night.:willy_nilly: It might not hurt to find out about planned activities for the night--that's where problems come in, when there's poor planning and too much free time! She is 15 and will have a friend there. Do you know the friend well, or is she someone new in your life as well? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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