Trying to make everyone happy ;-(

[Pongo]

My dad and mom are divorced. Its been 21 years. My mom will come to ANYTHING, even if he (my dad) is planning on coming, parties, holidays, birthdays, everything.

Now, my dad on the other hand is a bitter, bitter guy. He has NEVER come to my child's B-day parties and he has never been over to my house for dinner much less a holiday.

Here is the dilemma, this T-giving ALL of my siblings are coming from as far as MI. They are all coming and this may be the last time we are all together, it just worked out that everyone was able to make it. My mom , of course would not miss being with her kids/grand kids so she is coming.

I was at my dad's on Friday and I told him we would all love to have him come. And I let him know how I felt about how he has removed himself from his grandchildren in fear of my mom's presence. My dads second wife butt in a bit, saying that I am asking to much, expecting him to just come and be okay with it. My dad told me that he felt uncomfortable around her, and it was unfair to ask him to do that. I wanted to say I come here for everything you invite us to, and would rather not(they are HEAVY smokers and my dad is a heavy drinker), but as usual I kept peace.

My dad called today and said he definitely would not come and then let me know when I am expected to go to his home for Christmas. I don't want to go. I want to tell him that I feel as uncomfortable at his house around his wife as he feels at mine, around my mom.

This stinks, my MIL has been so unkind to me, I have kept my cool and my SIL says, "How do you do it? She has been horrible to you." I do it because my kids love their grandma. I won't let my issues with her be the center of their relationship. My dads wife has kept him away, and she is quite foul mouthed and fake, but I bring my kids there. I am constantly feeling horrible around my dad, who I feel loves me, but never showed it. I just want people to give, I feel I try so hard to make it work, they won't budge!

I want to be selfish for once this year, and do exactly what I want, and I want to stop, just once from pleasing everyone else.

Anyone ever do that?

[amy g.]

Your post is breaking my heart. Please be selfish and spend your holidays with the people who make you happy.

[Scarlett]

My dad and mom are divorced. Its been 21 years. My mom will come to ANYTHING, even if he (my dad) is planning on coming, parties, holidays, birthdays, everything.

Now, my dad on the other hand is a bitter, bitter guy. He has NEVER come to my child's B-day parties and he has never been over to my house for dinner much less a holiday.

Here is the dilemma, this T-giving ALL of my siblings are coming from as far as MI. They are all coming and this may be the last time we are all together, it just worked out that everyone was able to make it. My mom , of course would not miss being with her kids/grand kids so she is coming.

I was at my dad's on Friday and I told him we would all love to have him come. And I let him know how I felt about how he has removed himself from his grandchildren in fear of my mom's presence. My dads second wife butt in a bit, saying that I am asking to much, expecting him to just come and be okay with it. My dad told me that he felt uncomfortable around her, and it was unfair to ask him to do that. I wanted to say I come here for everything you invite us to, and would rather not(they are HEAVY smokers and my dad is a heavy drinker), but as usual I kept peace.

My dad called today and said he definitely would not come and then let me know when I am expected to go to his home for Christmas. I don't want to go. I want to tell him that I feel as uncomfortable at his house around his wife as he feels at mine, around my mom.

This stinks, my MIL has been so unkind to me, I have kept my cool and my SIL says, "How do you do it? She has been horrible to you." I do it because my kids love their grandma. I won't let my issues with her be the center of their relationship. My dads wife has kept him away, and she is quite foul mouthed and fake, but I bring my kids there. I am constantly feeling horrible around my dad, who I feel loves me, but never showed it. I just want people to give, I feel I try so hard to make it work, they won't budge!

I want to be selfish for once this year, and do exactly what I want, and I want to stop, just once from pleasing everyone else.

Anyone ever do that?

 

As a 'perfect daughter' let me tell you....you will feel major relief when you take control of your own life. Your Dad is being a total jerk by refusing to come to a family dinner just because his Xwife will be there. 21 years!!!!! Are you kidding me?! I'd like to call him and say, 'get over it Pongo's Dad!' I mean, I'm assuming it will be a large gathering..not like you are asking him and his wife to dine with just you and them and your mom.

 

Now as to Christmas...why do you not want to go? Is it that you really don't want to go or are you feeling a tad retaliatory? Or do you feel like you give and give and he won't so why should you? If you really don't want to go, I'd just say, 'Dad, we are having the big family blowout for TG'ing and I don't want to do that for Christmas...I just want to chill with my own family. Sorry we can't make it. Again, we really want you to be here for TG when all your kids will be in. Hope you can make it.'

[Pink Fairy]

Do you think your dad will be willing to maintain your relationship if you tell him why you don't want to be around his wife? Will he take great offense and cut you off? Will you be okay with it if he does?

 

You're right--that really does stink. :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

Your post is breaking my heart. Please be selfish and spend your holidays with the people who make you happy.

 

Yes. And in the wise words of Scarlett's mom, 'Stay away from people who make you feel bad.'

[AK_Mom4]

If you really really really don't want take your family to his house for Christmas, I would politely let him know you have other plans this year. It's tough to change traditions, but this may be the year to start a new one.

[Impish]

Ever do that? Yup. When I informed my mother that I was having Christmas morning at home with my child, not sleeping over at her house Christmas Eve. She threw a huge hissy fit. And again when I moved across country as a single mom because of what I wanted, rather than what my mother demanded. She threw a huge hissy over that too.

 

I met my dh 6 wks after moving here :D

 

There comes a point where grown ups should act as such. Your father isn't. He's acting like a spoiled, petulant bully. Catering to him is just indulging and enabling his behaviour.

 

Do what is needed for YOU to have a good Christmas. You and your family deserve it. Don't think that your dh and kids aren't aware of how stressful it is for you to be there.

[kalanamak]

Please be selfish and spend your holidays with the people who make you happy.

 

 

:iagree:

[JudoMom]

My dad and mom are divorced. Its been 21 years. My mom will come to ANYTHING, even if he (my dad) is planning on coming, parties, holidays, birthdays, everything.

Now, my dad on the other hand is a bitter, bitter guy. He has NEVER come to my child's B-day parties and he has never been over to my house for dinner much less a holiday.

Here is the dilemma, this T-giving ALL of my siblings are coming from as far as MI. They are all coming and this may be the last time we are all together, it just worked out that everyone was able to make it. My mom , of course would not miss being with her kids/grand kids so she is coming.

I was at my dad's on Friday and I told him we would all love to have him come. And I let him know how I felt about how he has removed himself from his grandchildren in fear of my mom's presence. My dads second wife butt in a bit, saying that I am asking to much, expecting him to just come and be okay with it. My dad told me that he felt uncomfortable around her, and it was unfair to ask him to do that. I wanted to say I come here for everything you invite us to, and would rather not(they are HEAVY smokers and my dad is a heavy drinker), but as usual I kept peace.

My dad called today and said he definitely would not come and then let me know when I am expected to go to his home for Christmas. I don't want to go. I want to tell him that I feel as uncomfortable at his house around his wife as he feels at mine, around my mom.

This stinks, my MIL has been so unkind to me, I have kept my cool and my SIL says, "How do you do it? She has been horrible to you." I do it because my kids love their grandma. I won't let my issues with her be the center of their relationship. My dads wife has kept him away, and she is quite foul mouthed and fake, but I bring my kids there. I am constantly feeling horrible around my dad, who I feel loves me, but never showed it. I just want people to give, I feel I try so hard to make it work, they won't budge!

I want to be selfish for once this year, and do exactly what I want, and I want to stop, just once from pleasing everyone else.

Anyone ever do that?

 

Do what you want for Christmas. Enjoy the day with whoever you choose to spend it with. Tell your Dad that Christmas will be at your house this year, and if he's more than welcome. You don't have to be rude, but you don't have to bend over backwards to make him happy, either. :grouphug:

[Pongo]

As a 'perfect daughter' let me tell you....you will feel major relief when you take control of your own life. Your Dad is being a total jerk by refusing to come to a family dinner just because his Xwife will be there. 21 years!!!!! Are you kidding me?! I'd like to call him and say, 'get over it Pongo's Dad!' I mean, I'm assuming it will be a large gathering..not like you are asking him and his wife to dine with just you and them and your mom.

 

Now as to Christmas...why do you not want to go? Is it that you really don't want to go or are you feeling a tad retaliatory? Or do you feel like you give and give and he won't so why should you? If you really don't want to go, I'd just say, 'Dad, we are having the big family blowout for TG'ing and I don't want to do that for Christmas...I just want to chill with my own family. Sorry we can't make it. Again, we really want you to be here for TG when all your kids will be in. Hope you can make it.'

 

I am feeling a bit Tit for Tat. I just feel that part of the Holidays is giving, of your time and Blessing your family, and doing things that may feel a bit uncomfortable, for crying out loud it's once a year. I have horrible PMS, it's the only time I feel gutsy.

[Pongo]

Your post is breaking my heart. Please be selfish and spend your holidays with the people who make you happy.

 

Amy,

Gosh, this sounds lovely. It would be a wonderful happy holiday. I am so afraid of hurting feelings, why am I so darn wimpy!

[Scarlett]

Amy,

Gosh, this sounds lovely. It would be a wonderful happy holiday. I am so afraid of hurting feelings, why am I so darn wimpy!

 

Your Dad is in the wrong here. If he doesn't want to bend a little, then I certainly would not worry about hurting his feelings.

[Pongo]

Do you think your dad will be willing to maintain your relationship if you tell him why you don't want to be around his wife? Will he take great offense and cut you off? Will you be okay with it if he does?

 

You're right--that really does stink. :grouphug:

 

He is so unpredictable. And if he feels offended, that's it, your dead to him. He didn't talk to his own brother for 40 years, it took a triple bypass to change that. He didn't talk to both of my brothers for 10 years again it took the triple bypass to change that (my dad was the one that had the triple bypass) I thought he was changed, but when he started feeling better, he started smoking and drinking and being bitter:glare:

Edited November 23, 2009 by Pongo

[amy g.]

Well, my dad asked me what we are doing for Thanksgiving. I said that we were going to wake up when we wanted, and we might decide to make the pies first, and eat them for breakfast, but at some point we would be eating Thanksgiving dinner, and would love to have him. He said he was having Chemo on Wednesday, but would get here when he felt like it.

 

Next, my sister called. I told her the plan, and she wanted to come to. Dh said, "That's fine, but people are just going to have to be flexible, and understand that I did not plan on spending a day getting the house company clean."

 

Today, I saw my best friend, and asked her if she wanted us to call her 40 minutes before we sit down to eat in case she and her son want to come over. She was thrilled.

 

We might eat at 9:00 at night, and I may still be in my pajamas, but the food will be great, and people want to be here because there is no stress and tension, just a bunch of people all doing what they want to do.

 

It does feel selfish, but I really think it is just being an adult and taking charge of your life.

[Pongo]

Well, my dad asked me what we are doing for Thanksgiving. I said that we were going to wake up when we wanted, and we might decide to make the pies first, and eat them for breakfast, but at some point we would be eating Thanksgiving dinner, and would love to have him. He said he was having Chemo on Wednesday, but would get here when he felt like it.

 

Next, my sister called. I told her the plan, and she wanted to come to. Dh said, "That's fine, but people are just going to have to be flexible, and understand that I did not plan on spending a day getting the house company clean."

 

Today, I saw my best friend, and asked her if she wanted us to call her 40 minutes before we sit down to eat in case she and her son want to come over. She was thrilled.

 

We might eat at 9:00 at night, and I may still be in my pajamas, but the food will be great, and people want to be here because there is no stress and tension, just a bunch of people all doing what they want to do.

 

It does feel selfish, but I really think it is just being an adult and taking charge of your life.

 

Oh my word, pies for breakfast, can I come:001_smile:.

I sounds so laid back, unplanned, fun and easy. I need fun and easy, I am gonna run this by dh. I think he would love to hang around, no pressure, but I don't think I can sell him on the pies for breakfast although my kids would be thrilled!!!

[Brigitte]

Do what you want for Christmas. Enjoy the day with whoever you choose to spend it with. Tell your Dad that Christmas will be at your house this year, and if he's more than welcome. You don't have to be rude, but you don't have to bend over backwards to make him happy, either. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Perhaps if he had been willing to bend for Thanksgiving, I would say bend for Christmas. But....

 

We have now made it a rule that we have Christmas at home. Just the four of us. If anyone chooses to come to us and spend the holiday, we are more than willing to have them (no one ever has). Everyone else talks about traditions, but since we are the youngest in both families, the assumption always was that their traditions took precedence. No longer. I suggest you do the same for your family.

[Pongo]

Do what you want for Christmas. Enjoy the day with whoever you choose to spend it with. Tell your Dad that Christmas will be at your house this year, and if he's more than welcome. You don't have to be rude, but you don't have to bend over backwards to make him happy, either. :grouphug:

 

I think that sounds like a good idea, it's not like I am refusing to see him, just plans have changed and he is welcome.:)

 

:iagree: Perhaps if he had been willing to bend for Thanksgiving, I would say bend for Christmas. But....

 

We have now made it a rule that we have Christmas at home. Just the four of us. If anyone chooses to come to us and spend the holiday, we are more than willing to have them (no one ever has). Everyone else talks about traditions, but since we are the youngest in both families, the assumption always was that their traditions took precedence. No longer. I suggest you do the same for your family.

 

Our plans have ALWAYS been:

My house for T-giving, usually a couple siblings and my mom (dad won't come)

SIL house for Christmas, MIL is there, it's supposed to be my husbands side Holiday.

We stay home for Christmas and my mom comes ( invited because I don't see her on Christmas Eve.), and MIL comes (uninvited). I always make a big dinner and desserts. My MIL is supposed to open Christmas presents with everyone on Christmas Eve at m SIL house, but she won't with us. It's her way to come over Christmas Day:glare: My dad won't come.

We go to my Dad's on New Years Day, maybe not this year though.

[Rosie_0801]

Amy,

I am so afraid of hurting feelings, why am I so darn wimpy!

 

Oh, it gets a bit easier with practise. Look at it this way, if people put you in a situation where anything you do is going to hurt their feelings, then it's their own fault because there was no other option. They might not want to take responsibility for the mess, but you needn't take it either. Offer a reasonable plan, if they won't take it or counter with something else reasonable, then the issue isn't important enough to be worth worrying over.

 

It will be interesting to see what happens this year. Last year we hosted my immediate family here on Christmas Eve, watched the Muppets, ate food, crashed on the floor and woke up to play with the kids (only grandkids) before our guests headed off to wherever else they were going. It was nice, relaxed and obligation free. I cooked what I wanted to cook, people showed up when they wanted to show up and left when they wanted to leave. It was great! So great that we decided to do it again this year :)

 

Dh's parents happily agreed last year to meet half way at a park on Boxing Day for an informal picnic. Then, thanks to their daughter's intervention (she lives two states away and needed a traditional family Christmas because she was fed up with having to see her own MIL for Christmas,) they changed their minds and threw a tantrum so we didn't see them at all. I was not going to let them force me into doing something I didn't want to do (drag a small child and my sorry pregnant self hours in the car in the middle of summer.) Dh wanted to go to keep them happy, even though he knew he'd have a boring time, but I pointed out that it was not ok to go and have a lousy time to keep them happy instead of staying home with his pregnant wife, daughter and my guests who are nicer to him and more fun than his folks are. We still don't know what they intend for this year, but we agreed to offer the same compromise as last time. As far as I remember, that particular compromise was actually their idea in the first place. Maybe they'll do the same as they did the other year, and go on a cruise to avoid it all.

 

Whatever happens, I'm not dragging the kids more than an hour in the car, I am not inviting his parents to our Christmas Eve do and I am not cooking an entire meal for them to criticise. If seeing their son and grandchildren is a priority, they'll either come and picnic on Boxing Day, or suggest some other suitable plan. Dh wants me to agree to have them here on Christmas Eve, but if I did that, my brother and aunt who are my favourite relatives wouldn't come, so I'm not keen on that idea.

 

Rosie

[Plucky]

Don't let him hold you hostage. Enjoy your family. If he chooses to be bitter and miss out it is his choice.

[Impish]

Our plans have ALWAYS been:

My house for T-giving, usually a couple siblings and my mom (dad won't come)

SIL house for Christmas, MIL is there, it's supposed to be my husbands side Holiday.

We stay home for Christmas and my mom comes ( invited because I don't see her on Christmas Eve.), and MIL comes (uninvited). I always make a big dinner and desserts. My MIL is supposed to open Christmas presents with everyone on Christmas Eve at m SIL house, but she won't with us. It's her way to come over Christmas Day:glare: My dad won't come.

We go to my Dad's on New Years Day, maybe not this year though.

What would happen if you informed her, like now, that you're going to your Mom's for Christmas supper, instead of hosting? So that way you wouldn't be home for her to crash in on? Seems ridiculous to have Christmas with her twice...

 

Can I just say how incredibly grateful I am that my family is across the country, and MIL in another province? MIL shows up for a month to six weeks in the summer, but thus far we haven't had to host her for it, just a weekend and scattered meals. I can't imagine what would happen if we had to juggle MIL and my folks for the holidays. UGH!

[Danestress]

Maybe your Mom could find something to do and let your Dad have some time with his children and grandchildren while she's out? I think it's really normal for divorced people to not want to spend holidays together, especially if they are remarried. I know divorced people who do it very well, but probably just as many or more simply won't. I would imagine that his wife doesn't want to spend her holiday with his ex, and I really can't blame her. Would your mother understand if you asked her to give you time for breakfast alone with him and his wife or dinner the night before? It just seems very reasonable and normal to me that he and his wife don't feel comfortable with what would be your first choice.

 

I think that when siblings marry, we feel vulnerable. What if they marry someone we dislike, and then we have to spend holidays with them? I'm sure it's the same when adult children marry, and frankly, I expect my parents to spend some holidays nicely with me whether they like my spouse or not. I'm sure your Dad expects the same of you. If you don't want to spend Christmas there, I think you should do what you want this year without much guilt. You can't always make everyone happy. But I wouldn't tell him you don't feel comfortable around his wife. To me, that's really different then him not feeling comfortable with his ex-wife. I think that we have to sometimes support and zip our lips about our family members' marriage and just be supportive (unless there is something really abusive happening).

[katemary63]

I am so afraid of hurting feelings, why am I so darn wimpy!

 

Yes, this is a good question to ask yourself. But, honey, don't just ask it...answer it. You may unlock the key to your own happiness! You should not be "afraid of hurting feelings." You need to let others be responsible for their own choices. And you have to bravely accept responsiblity for your choices. It is simple. You are not in charge of making each and every person happy. Stop trying. Accept that someone may be unhappy...it's perfectly okay and it won't be your fault. Do what you feel is right. Let them know what you are doing and why. Don't be angry. Don't be afraid. Own your choice and then have a great holiday season.

[RoughCollie]

Amy,

Gosh, this sounds lovely. It would be a wonderful happy holiday. I am so afraid of hurting feelings, why am I so darn wimpy!

 

What about your feelings?

[Mom0012]

Maybe your Mom could find something to do and let your Dad have some time with his children and grandchildren while she's out? I think it's really normal for divorced people to not want to spend holidays together, especially if they are remarried. I know divorced people who do it very well, but probably just as many or more simply won't. I would imagine that his wife doesn't want to spend her holiday with his ex, and I really can't blame her. Would your mother understand if you asked her to give you time for breakfast alone with him and his wife or dinner the night before? It just seems very reasonable and normal to me that he and his wife don't feel comfortable with what would be your first choice.

 

 

 

I have lots of sympathy for you, but I have to agree here. I can't imagine spending the holidays with my husband's ex-wife.

 

Lisa

[Chris in VA]

When I was trying to take care of my mom's feelings for her (long story), my therapist said, "There comes a point when you need to realize you are an adult, and no longer need your mom."

I was stunned--of course I needed her! But then I got what the therapist was saying--I cannot control the choices of others, and I do not need to take responsibility for other people's feelings. I do not need my mom for survival, as a child would. I am an adult, and, while I believe in honoring her, I do not need to structure my life to make her happy, which is impossible, anyway.

 

You do not NEED your dad or his approval. Same with your mom. Or your kids, for that matter. You do need to be able to function in a grown-up, responsible way. You do need to make your own choices and then live with the consequences.

 

Do what brings you REAL peace. Learn to accept that you cannot, absolutely cannot control others. Let them make their choices, and you make yours. You can still be loving and kind, respectful and joyful, even if you don't do what others approve of.

[katemary63]

I am going to add that I would not expect either of my divorced parents to attend a holiday dinner with the other....ever. I would do one one night and the other the next night or some such thing if I wanted to entertain them both for that particular holidy. Especially if there is a new spouse who would be attending. I don't see why that is expected of anybody and I find it odd. I know that some people don't mind it and even get along fine, and that is fine but it is their choice. I don't think it should be expected at all and I don't think the father and his new spouse are in the wrong because they don't want to attend. Now, a big event such as a wedding, yes, every one should suck it up and attend. But a family dinner...um...no. Actually, in my case, I would be uncomfortable if both my parents attended anything let alone a dinner at my house with all the siblings present - as if we are all still a family. Yuck......and it's been 30 years since the divorce. I know it stinks and its unfair, but that's the uglyness of divorce. There are permanent negative consequences like you don't get to see both your parents at the same time on holidays.

Edited November 22, 2009 by katemary63

[Scarlett]

I am going to add that I would not expect either of my divorced parents to attend a holiday dinner with the other....ever. I would do one one night and the other the next night or some such thing if I wanted to entertain them both for that particular holidy. Especially if there is a new spouse who would be attending.

 

When you say 'new', you just mean another spouse right? I got the feeling the dad had been remarried for a looooong time.

 

I do suppose it could be an uncomfortable situation....I just know that if I was invited to be with ALL my children on (I only have one, but still) a special day---especially if I had not seen part of them in a while....that I would not let my Xh's presence prevent me from being there.

[kalanamak]

I have lots of sympathy for you, but I have to agree here. I can't imagine spending the holidays with my husband's ex-wife.

 

But I would feel fine about staying home and letting hubby see all the kids together., just this once, after 21 years.

[Mom0012]

But I would feel fine about staying home and letting hubby see all the kids together., just this once, after 21 years.

 

Yes, I'm sure if my husband hadn't seen all his kids together in 21 years and this was his last chance, I'd be willing to spend Thanksgiving by myself. :confused: Though, in our case, I'm sure he would try to make other arrangements because I doubt very much he'd want to spend the holidays with his ex-wife either.:)

 

When I first read this post, I was totally with the OP. After Danestress posted, I was quickly reminded of my own situation and I realized there is no way we'd ever be able to do what the OP is wanting to do for Thanksgiving. I know there are people who can, but it wouldn't work for us. It does sound like there are other issues with the OP's dad, though.

 

Lisa

Edited November 22, 2009 by LisaTheresa

[Pongo]

I guess I never really looked at it like spending the holidays with your ex, even if it has been 21 years. My mom is looking forward to having everyone together, she would stay home if I asked, but it would feel like I was punishing her for my dads issues. I am going to call everyone tonight and see if we can get together for coffee and dessert on Friday afternoon. My two brothers will have to drive 45 minutes two days in a row so I don't know, nor do I expect them to.

 

Last year my dh told my MIL that we HAD to open gifts on Christmas Eve because we were having company. She said okay, opened hers and then said, I'll just come the day after Christmas since you'll have company.

 

As far as New Years Day with my dad, ugh..I can't think of any good reason, other than hurt feeling for me not to go. My kids love him and he is good to them, much better than my MIL.

[Laurie4b]

I guess I never really looked at it like spending the holidays with your ex, even if it has been 21 years. My mom is looking forward to having everyone together, she would stay home if I asked, but it would feel like I was punishing her for my dads issues. I am going to call everyone tonight and see if we can get together for coffee and dessert on Friday afternoon. My two brothers will have to drive 45 minutes two days in a row so I don't know, nor do I expect them to.

 

Last year my dh told my MIL that we HAD to open gifts on Christmas Eve because we were having company. She said okay, opened hers and then said, I'll just come the day after Christmas since you'll have company.

 

As far as New Years Day with my dad, ugh..I can't think of any good reason, other than hurt feeling for me not to go. My kids love him and he is good to them, much better than my MIL.

 

Could you do part of Thanksgiving Day with one and part with the other parent? Our extended family tends to sit down early --like around 2:00, then have sandwiches and leftovers later in the day. Could you do something like that? Or have someone over for the food and the other parent for the football games.

 

I agree with the other posters who think it's too much to ask for some folks to have exspouses be at an intimate gathering like a family meal with all the family "dynamics." My parents have been together at weddings and funerals, but nothing else that I can remember. I would never ask them both over at the same time. Despite other aspects of your father's behavior that are problematic, I think his reaction of not wanting to be at a family dinner with his ex-wife is perfectly normal.