A friend "got me" at dinner the other night/ hurt feelings

[Alicia64]

I asked an old, old friend to come to dinner at my parents house the other night. I haven't seen her in ages. I knew she wasn't into hs -- she'd been very clear over a year ago about it when I said that we were thinking about hsing our kids.

 

Since I'd brought it up with her, I'd pulled my kids out of ps. So before we met on Sat. night, I emailed her on Fri. and very casually and kindly said, "we decided to hs, pulled the kids 8 mo. ago, blah, blah, blah" and I added, "my parents are still on the fence about hs, are somewhat seeing the benefits but haven't totally come around, would you mind not bringing it up in front of them at dinner?" (We live in different regions.)

 

In my mind, I was just giving her a "heads up." As in, might want to stay off this touchy subject.

 

She basically just said "sure" and I thought nothing more about it.

 

Dinner seemed fine enough. She's always been a little prickly. I wouldn't say she has narcissistic personality disorder, but she definitely heads in that direction.

 

Anyway, my dad and mom were gone for a moment and I forget what lead to this (I'd had a glass of wine), but she said something like, "you're a very controlling person. Look what you did w/ the email you sent me on Fri. You told me what I could and couldn't talk about."

 

I felt surprised and hurt, but just smiled and changed the subject. In my mind, this comment came completely from left field. Even if I'd wanted to shoot back (I didn't want to), I wouldn't have even known what to say.

 

She's recently lost her mom and I don't want to do anything to add to her grief. I really do feel deep compassion for her loss. She was really close to her mom.

 

On top of it, she admires my mom and dad -- and doesn't understand why I don't (I've never explained the verbal and physical abuse to her. I don't see who it would benefit by explaining what living w/ my parents was like to her.)

 

Sorry for going on and on. I needed to get this off my chest. It really hurt my feelings.

 

The whole "you're too controlling" thing makes me so frustrated. I think she got that from my mom. My parents have called me controlling and selfish my entire life -- which has made me bend over backwards not to be controlling or selfish. And, in the process, I get walked on a lot.

 

Again, sorry for the novel. Dh feels like I brought this on myself (I did) by inviting her for dinner. He says at my age I should know better (I should).

 

If you're still reading -- thanks.

 

Alley

[Slartibartfast]

I would have called her a whiny baby. :lol:

 

 

If she thinks that is controlling she hasn't SEEN controlling!

[Sputterduck]

Awww. I'm so sorry. :( Sounds like maybe she's not a friend you should bother to be around much.

[Joanne]

{{{hugs}}}

[Mrs Mungo]

OK, I'm not a nice person. This would not have gone over well. I would not have smiled and moved on, I would have shrugged and said "better than a passive aggressive pansy" and moved on. Well...maybe not under the circumstances you describe. Next time you can just say "I just didn't want to get into a whole big thing right now, I'm still not 100% secure in my decision. I will bring my good friend, Mrs. Mungo, to dinner next time and she will squash all of your delicate egos, k?"

[eksargent]

Well, my husband would say the same thing. And, I would strongly disagree with him!

 

Just let it go...be strong...and know that if you are REALLY THAT CONTROLLING you won't argue back with her!!! :lol:

[Alicia64]

You guys are hilarious!

 

Mrs. Mungo -- I wish I had your guts!! (I used all mine up just in pulling my kids out of ps and now hsing.)

 

Suptterduck -- Yes, I already came to that conclusion.

 

Thanks again. Without being too mean to myself, I really should have known better. I've known her since we were 11 and she wasn't that nice even as a kid!

 

Alley

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I'm so sorry. I have a friend like this and it is very hard.

 

(Ann, it's NOT YOU!!)

 

Luckily, she lives very far away, so our contact is minimized. In one way, your husband is right, you SHOULD know by now.....so should I. But,....I persist anyway. (Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment?)

[katemary63]

Sorry you had a difficult evening. I say, consider the source...you know, if a really selfish person told you you were selfish, would that even mean anything to you? Of course not. So, what she says doesn't really have any meaning..right? And meaningless words don't have to hurt - they are meaningless. Still I understand you're feeling bad...just try not to let her have that much power over you. :grouphug:

[Impish]

I agree that she's probably not someone you want to keep around.

 

THAT being said, I would have felt similar to her...to a point. Nothing like telling me that something is off limits to make me want to know why, or feel disrespected, like a child who needs things spelled out for them on how to behave. An email stating that "My parents aren't fully supportive of homeschooling." and leaving off the rest would have been enough for me to know not to bring it up at dinner. Then again, I possess common sense and tact...a rare combo in today's world it seems :lol:

 

Also, its a bit hard to ask a homeschooling parent about how the kids are, what they're up to, etc without homeschooling being mentioned.

[Elizabeth Conley]

I'd simply take it under advisement that she considers you controlling. Note that you consider her somewhat narcissistic. To me, she sounds like an acquaintance, not a friend. I make that distinction in my relationships because I'm way to easy going. Sometimes I find myself being bled dry of time and energy by acquaintances, and missing my friends. Getting together with my friends is for me, getting together with my acquaintances is about social networking.

 

Perhaps you could have said something like this:

 

"In light of the way you feel, I really appreciate that you refrained from instigating an uncomfortable scene with my parents over my homeschooling. That was very kind. Did you want to discuss homeschooling tonight? Would you like to get together and talk about homeschooling sometime soon?"

 

It's really hard for narcissists to control their impulses simply to be considerate of others. If she managed it, she needs a bit of flattery as a reward. It pays to compliment narcissists whenever possible, and thank them for behaving themselves, as long as you can do this without being openly condescending. Lavishing a bit of attention on her is a good idea, particularly if you need her continuing cooperation.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Would you put up with a stranger talking to you or treating you the way you say this "friend" or your parents did? I learned a long time ago to only surround myself with people who had positive influences on my life and who were respectful of the decisions I make for my family. I do not have the time nor the inclination to waste on someone being rude or disrespectful to me or my lifestyle. That includes family. Life is too precious and short to get bogged down in that kind of behavior. JMHO. Hugs to you.:grouphug:

[Starr]

I just hate it when I walk myself into difficult situations. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

OK, I'm not a nice person. This would not have gone over well. I would not have smiled and moved on, I would have shrugged and said "better than a passive aggressive pansy" and moved on. Well...maybe not under the circumstances you describe. Next time you can just say "I just didn't want to get into a whole big thing right now, I'm still not 100% secure in my decision. I will bring my good friend, Mrs. Mungo, to dinner next time and she will squash all of your delicate egos, k?"

 

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

 

Mrs. Mungo, will you be my friend? :D

 

OP, I feel bad for people who let little things like that bother them. If they can't handle the little stuff, how will they handle REAL issues?

 

OTOH, I think it's wise and sweet of you not to want to add to any grief she's experiencing. It does sound like she has long standing issues, but you did right by not addressing it at this time.

 

Do you enjoy your friendship with this woman?

[KidsHappen]

OK, I'm not a nice person. This would not have gone over well. I would not have smiled and moved on, I would have shrugged and said "better than a passive aggressive pansy" and moved on. Well...maybe not under the circumstances you describe. Next time you can just say "I just didn't want to get into a whole big thing right now, I'm still not 100% secure in my decision. I will bring my good friend, Mrs. Mungo, to dinner next time and she will squash all of your delicate egos, k?"

 

Have I ever mentioned how much I like you? :)

[KidsHappen]

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

 

Anyway, my dad and mom were gone for a moment and I forget what lead to this (I'd had a glass of wine), but she said something like, "you're a very controlling person. Look what you did w/ the email you sent me on Fri. You told me what I could and couldn't talk about."

 

 

 

This is no friend and no "gentleperson". Stay away. Ugh ugh ugh. Even if she was stupid enough to grant you no grace, to bring it up! Ugh ugh ugh.

[Tree House Academy]

I would have said, "wow...then why exactly did you come here?" And before she could answer, I would stand up and say, "let me show to the door!"

 

Sorry, but I would not tolerate such rudeness on my "turf" and from a "friend" no less. No thanks.

 

Sorry this happened to you. Feel compassion for her, but I sure wouldn't pursue any kind of friendship with this person.

[coffeefreak]

:grouphug:

I'm sorry. I wouldn't have her over again. That's ridiculous. As my husband says, "people suck.":D

Dorinda

[Alicia64]

Really, really, really thanks. I feel so much better just getting it off my chest. Dh doesn't even know why it's still bothering me.

 

I totally get that I "walked into this" and yes it makes me annoyed with myself. I'm way too old.

 

Treehouse -- I guess I do what I have to to avoid a scene. Plus my parents like her and I know I would have been ganged up on. I don't think they've ever seen my point of view when the other person is someone they want to impress.

 

Impish -- I'm glad you wrote. I wasn't at all saying the topic was "off limits." I was trying to give her the idea that the topic is touchy at our house. To spare me and her the awkwardness of it all. But I appreciate your writing. I be that's how she took it. That I was laying down an edict or something.

 

Thanks again everyone. It really helps!

 

Alley

[lmrich]

Sometimes in a "friendship" you get a sign that is it is OVER. You had yours and you handled it graciously. I don't see the point in name calling or mud slinging. She has a right to her opinion and you to yours.

And you have the right to never call her again!

[Elizabeth Conley]

I guess I do what I have to to avoid a scene. Plus my parents like her and I know I would have been ganged up on. I don't think they've ever seen my point of view when the other person is someone they want to impress.

 

These simple, matter of fact statements explain much. You've been conditioned to cope with narcissists from infancy. Since you're an adult now, you can safely alter your strategy a bit. The next time you get together with your parents, get together more on your terms than theirs. Invite a few people who will be your allies in a conflict, or at least true moderators. There is no need for you to feel outgunned and outnumbered in every social event that includes your parents. Now that you're an adult, you can stack the odds more in your favor.

 

There are ways to assert yourself without making a scene. You did well when you asked your acquaintance to avoid the home schooling topic. A few more adjustments to the social environment, and you can safely be yourself and their daughter, without getting into a battle royale.

 

Blessings,

 

Elizabeth