Bev in B'ville Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 First, tell you ds that your home is not a democracy; it's a benevolent dictatorship until he turns 18 and leaves home. He can either have a FB account agreeing to the rules you have established or he won't have one. Period. You tell him you don't care what other parents are doing/not doing with their children; that has no bearing on how you parent. My 16 yo dd has an FB account and I have total access to it. Some of her former friends from a neighborhood we lived in have friended her and their language has been atrocious on FB (lots of four letter words and conversations about drinking and such). I can't imagine letting any 16 yo have an unsupervised account. Just my $.02. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadiegirl Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I would only allow him to be on Facebook if I had access to his page. Sorry, but as a parent, that is one of the responsibilities that kids don't often understand. My husband has a coworker that has a daughter who just turned 16 who has a Facebook page and I can't believe what he has shown me on her page!! I am amazed what kids put on these sites!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deidre in GA Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 My 13 yr ds wants facebook. I'm considering this. My rules include time limits and complete access to his account. He thinks this is "stupid" and that no other parents with kids his age would require such restrictions. Am I being unreasonable? Should I allow this boy computer access without supervision? (I know the answer to this question and won't change my mind. I just want him to see that we're not the only parents with concerns about the computer.) No one, eh? my son is 16. i have his password for Facebook and parental controls on the house network. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Another one here with a 13yo who has fb and has to let dh and I know his password and have complete access. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 knowing a kid's password. When my oldest was 14, he set up a MySpace and I knew his password. I checked it occasionally. He's now almost 18, and I've forgotten the password. :) My middle child is almost 15, and I know his password on FB. And I check it occasionally, too. Of course, my kids are the *only* kids without cell phones or cable TV. It doesn't seem to be too big of a deal for them, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 We just allowed our 12 yo to have an email address. She doesn't have facebook or anything like that yet. We have her password and look at who is sending her emails. If there are any links sent to her, we have to check them out first. This is to protect our computer as well as her. If he has a problem with your rules, I don't think he's responsible enough to have it yet, IMHO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kpupg Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Am I being unreasonable? Should I allow this boy computer access without supervision? No and no. Fwiw, my kids play online games and have done for some time. In the beginning, I played with them and required they keep me posted on their passwords. I explained why and that it was not negotiable. After time, I found them to be trustworthy and online-savvy, so I no longer demand their passwords, but if I suspected something was amiss, I would do so immediately. I may have gone overboard, because my now-14ds really hates to do internet (google) searches for schoolwork purposes. I think he's afraid of inadvertently being exposed to something unpleasant or of downloading a virus. Yet he needs to know how to do that ... Mom31257 said "If he has a problem with your rules, I don't think he's responsible enough to have it yet, IMHO. " :iagree: I agree totally. My house, my rules. When you have your own home, your rules. We have this conversation periodically. :grouphug: Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mysticamethyst Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I haven't read all the replys yet but I am going to do that next. We have a house password, all of our pass codes revolve around variations of this password, minus our personal stuff. If a site requires a password it MUST be the house one. If I cannot log in to your acct. when I want to, you don't need it. I know they are teens, they are getting older, they need more responsibility and so on, but there is just too much stuff out there they dont' need to see yet and too many crazy people that wait and watch for a lax parent. The no one else has to do it argument just doesnt' work because I am not everyone else's mom. I think you should stand your ground. Good Luck, it's hard living with unhappy teen for sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 My 13yo DSS has a facebook acct. His mom absolutely has access, and I think his dad does, too (or would if he asked for it). Ditto access to his WoW account (actually he plays on his parents' accounts), etc. He also has his own cell phone, which he uses mostly to keep in touch with his mom (he lives with his dad) and friends; his dad has access to everything on that phone and the account. A 13 yo. who is responsible enough for that kind of social media access is probably one who understands the need for parental access. I go with the PP who said if he thinks it's stupid then he's not ready for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof2boys Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 well my boys are 16 and 18 and I have the passwords to their accounts. Gloria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 My 13 year-old has one, and I not only do I know her PW, but I'm a "friend". Shoot, I'm "friends" with a few of her FB friends as well. No funny business so far. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Well, I guess this thread proves that your 13yr is wrong...there are plenty of kids his or her age that have to give their parents full access to their accounts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 I'm loving all the support I'm getting (although it wouldn't have changed my mind if I didn't get any support). My son thinks the WTM is a bad influence on me! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I'm loving all the support I'm getting (although it wouldn't have changed my mind if I didn't get any support). My son thinks the WTM is a bad influence on me! :001_smile: One of my old neighbors (and now facebook friend, lol) used to tell me: when your kids tell you that you're mean, that is a gold star in heaven for you, it means you're doing something right. I have to agree with her. I'm not here to be a buddy to my kids, I'm here to protect and guide them the best I can, as long as they need it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 My dds are almost 17 and 15 and I have both their passwords. I don't really need/use/whatever them, but I do have them. (Actually I have them because I play farmville, and one farm isn't enough for me, so I have some on their accounts too.) yeah, we know each other's passwords as well. In case I can't harvest FV stuff in time, one of my kids can. lol My 15 yr old has saved me many a crop. lol I've never thought to read his pms, however. We've only ever found one or two questionable things in our history, and the kid fessed up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktkcb Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Sorry, IMO this is pure foolishness. Teens need to interact in real time. The issues I see with friend's kids that are allowed to have facebook/phone/e-mail are too many to count. Your son's response is clue #1 that 13yo's have no business having such freedoms. Social networking with teens is mostly collective drivel & folly....of the sort most of us homeschool in order to avoid. Mine have such freedoms when they turn 18, and not before. And yes, I know that some kids are very responsible......my oldest is/was, but she still had to wait. No regrets. My opinion? Live as much as possible to have no regrets. What *really* will you regret if your son doesn't get facebook before age 18?? What could be possible regrets if he does? Think about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 Sorry, IMO this is pure foolishness. Teens need to interact in real time. The issues I see with friend's kids that are allowed to have facebook/phone/e-mail are too many to count. Your son's response is clue #1 that 13yo's have no business having such freedoms. Social networking with teens is mostly collective drivel & folly....of the sort most of us homeschool in order to avoid. Mine have such freedoms when they turn 18, and not before. And yes, I know that some kids are very responsible......my oldest is/was, but she still had to wait. No regrets. My opinion? Live as much as possible to have no regrets. What *really* will you regret if your son doesn't get facebook before age 18?? What could be possible regrets if he does? Think about it. We have told him he will have to wait for fb. I don't know about until he's 18 but he's not getting it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Sorry, IMO this is pure foolishness. Teens need to interact in real time. ..... Social networking with teens is mostly collective drivel & folly....of the sort most of us homeschool in order to avoid. I would suggest that the social networking habits of the teen reflect the teen him/herself. If his/her posts and status updates are pure drivel and folly, isn't it likely that his/her real-time interactions are as well? I have a significant number of teens as 'friends' on my facebook account. Some are relatives (my son, nieces and nephews), others are my son's friends and the children of my adult friends. What I notice is that their interactions online are similar to their voice and personality in real life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I would suggest that the social networking habits of the teen reflect the teen him/herself. If his/her posts and status updates are pure drivel and folly, isn't it likely that his/her real-time interactions are as well? I have a significant number of teens as 'friends' on my facebook account. Some are relatives (my son, nieces and nephews), others are my son's friends and the children of my adult friends. What I notice is that their interactions online are similar to their voice and personality in real life. :iagree: It's also plausible that FB and other such are means for many families, including teens, that are at a distance to keep in daily contact with each other. Phone calls are easily missed and timing is not always a possibility. Leaving a loving message is many times much easier. Simply because a child has an acct does not mean that that is where all their interaction takes place. Some teens are limited in when and for how long they may be on and time is earned. It's not nice to broadbrush ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 :iagree: It's also plausible that FB and other such are means for many families, including teens, that are at a distance to keep in daily contact with each other. Phone calls are easily missed and timing is not always a possibility. Leaving a loving message is many times much easier. Simply because a child has an acct does not mean that that is where all their interaction takes place. Some teens are limited in when and for how long they may be on and time is earned. It's not nice to broadbrush ;) I agree. My eldest mostly talks to her friends on facebook who live half a world away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 How would reading their email or checking their text messages tell you more than your child's behavior would? I don't believe in that level of control just for the sake of it. That depends on how sneaky your child may be. I know someone with an 18yods who was only exhibiting excellent behavior for many, many years. Then all of a sudden they began suspecting something odd, checked his history and discovered gross porn use. When they confronted the son he admitted to viewing internet porn for the last ten years. The parents never had a clue. If you ever catch one of your kids with regular porn use, you will quickly begin believing in that level of control. Trust me, my friends wish they had years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I agree. My eldest mostly talks to her friends on facebook who live half a world away. Yep, third culture kids don't have the luxury of being in a town with generations of family and friends to grow up around. And when they become close to a friend, it's only a matter of time before everyone is restationed. Goodness, there are childhood friends from assignments that I wish I had been able to keep in contact with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) That depends on how sneaky your child may be. I know someone with an 18yods who was only exhibiting excellent behavior for many, many years. Then all of a sudden they began suspecting something odd, checked his history and discovered gross porn use. When they confronted the son he admitted to viewing internet porn for the last ten years. The parents never had a clue. If you ever catch one of your kids with regular porn use, you will quickly begin believing in that level of control. Trust me, my friends wish they had years ago. My children (21, 17, 16, 10) are very mature, open, and trustworthy. They have never been sneaky. Not as littles, not as teens , or as a young adult. Trust and respect have always been the hallmarks of our relationships, and we are grateful. I would have known if my 8 yr old was looking at porn-- and to not notice for 10 years... That's so sad. Poor little guy. A teen who ends up with a porn addiction will mostly likely present with other concerns over the years. There are often red flags that make themselves known over the years that would likely show a pattern of addiction; biological issues (which are no-body's fault), environmental issues, impulsivilty issues, abuse, anger etc. I count myself blessed, for sure. We haven't seen behaviors that would give us grave concern. Currently we see communicative, talktalitve, engaged people, and for that we are beyond thankful. I am sorry for your friends. Parents are always on the look-out for worrisome issues that can harm their children. I know dh and I are always watching. Edited November 20, 2009 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 :iagree: It's also plausible that FB and other such are means for many families, including teens, that are at a distance to keep in daily contact with each other. Phone calls are easily missed and timing is not always a possibility. Leaving a loving message is many times much easier. Simply because a child has an acct does not mean that that is where all their interaction takes place. Some teens are limited in when and for how long they may be on and time is earned. It's not nice to broadbrush ;) I could not be as involved in my 16yo's life anymore if not for Facebook. One of the things that made leaving him in NC easier was the thought that he was only a chat screen away. Living like I have no regrets in my life is going to look very, very different than someone else's. Broadbrushing is pure folly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 Sorry, IMO this is pure foolishness. Teens need to interact in real time. The issues I see with friend's kids that are allowed to have facebook/phone/e-mail are too many to count. Your son's response is clue #1 that 13yo's have no business having such freedoms. Social networking with teens is mostly collective drivel & folly....of the sort most of us homeschool in order to avoid. Mine have such freedoms when they turn 18, and not before. And yes, I know that some kids are very responsible......my oldest is/was, but she still had to wait. No regrets. My opinion? Live as much as possible to have no regrets. What *really* will you regret if your son doesn't get facebook before age 18?? What could be possible regrets if he does? Think about it. Lots of the interacting teens do with each other is drivel and folly, both IRL and online. My teen is very responsible, but when she gets together with her friends, she can act very, very silly. Highly annoying, sometimes, but it's just part of being a teen, IMHO. I think it's age-appropriate, and as long as they aren't doing anything dangerous, I don't see any harm done. They grow out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) I could not be as involved in my 16yo's life anymore if not for Facebook. One of the things that made leaving him in NC easier was the thought that he was only a chat screen away. I have only a few friends on my tightly controlled FB. I talk to my family in Europe weekly, including my sil and bil, the cousins, and children. It's wonderful. I have never had a moments concern. FB is great in this way. Edited November 20, 2009 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 I would suggest that the social networking habits of the teen reflect the teen him/herself. If his/her posts and status updates are pure drivel and folly, isn't it likely that his/her real-time interactions are as well? I have a significant number of teens as 'friends' on my facebook account. Some are relatives (my son, nieces and nephews), others are my son's friends and the children of my adult friends. What I notice is that their interactions online are similar to their voice and personality in real life. For the most part, this has been true for my dc's friends. But I have been surprised by some things I've seen from a few teens on Facebook that don't match up with IRL behaviors. It has me wondering if the "true" teen is the one who talks to me or the one I see on FB screaming stuff like "i hate schoooollll!!!" Maybe somewhere in between? I know teens need to blow off steam - don't we all? But if my kids were writing some of the over-the-top blowing-off-steam stuff I see other kids write, I'd have a talk with them. In our homeschooling crowd, many of the kids are "friends" with the parents on FB - and friends with each other - so everything you write is pretty public. If you wouldn't use the word "sux" in front of a mom, why would you write in on FB? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mabelen Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 Sorry, IMO this is pure foolishness. Teens need to interact in real time. The issues I see with friend's kids that are allowed to have facebook/phone/e-mail are too many to count. Your son's response is clue #1 that 13yo's have no business having such freedoms. Social networking with teens is mostly collective drivel & folly....of the sort most of us homeschool in order to avoid. Mine have such freedoms when they turn 18, and not before. And yes, I know that some kids are very responsible......my oldest is/was, but she still had to wait. No regrets. My opinion? Live as much as possible to have no regrets. What *really* will you regret if your son doesn't get facebook before age 18?? What could be possible regrets if he does? Think about it. We are allowing my 13 yo dd to have Facebook in due time because it will make it easier for her to keep in touch with dear old friends from the East Coast as well as with different relatives who are in 3 different continents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmoe Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 My 15yo ds and my 13yo dd have facebook accounts. We have to know their passwords and have to be friends. Both use facebook to keep in touch with friends and family. Both are friends with several adults from our church community. My younger kids use my facebook acct to play games and that is mostly what my 13 yo uses facebook for. My 15 posts about once a day. Little stuff about an activity he went to or how his day of school went. I think its great that aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, ect get to be a part of their lives in this way. Without facebook they wouldn't know my kids on that kind of level--just because of distance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 When my dd wanted a Facebook account, dh's rule was that he would get a FB account and be her friend. It's been excellent for both of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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