for those interested, update on adopted daughter

[Denisemomof4]

First of all, I'm so thankful to all of you who wrote with inspiration, help, and encouraging words when I was so frustrated with homeschooling my youngest (adopted) daughter. While I hate to refer to her as my "adopted daughter," I think it's necessary in this post since my last one was a discussion about so many of the ADOPTION issues she was having, including her acting out and schoolwork issues.

 

A few weeks back my daughter relived some of her earlier fear of water when I was bathing her and got shampoo in her eye. Seeing her extreme fear of water, something I hadn't seen for many years now, ripped my heart out. I think the pain of her eye is what triggered it. I also realized her eye was very, very irritated so I flushed it with water through out the night. I slept with her and she awoke me at 4:00 with a very, very swollen and teary eye. My heart ached for her and I felt responsible. It evoked a flood of emotions in me, especially when I looked at the bottle and it said "for adult use only" on it. Both my girls had used this coconut shampoo numerous times!

 

I rushed with the shampoo bottle to a 24 hour pharmacy and he gave me suggestions. He checked out the ingredients and said it was all common ingredients, no big deal. (Uh, NO! I did my research since then!) I felt so bad about it all!

 

My daughter had been acting out so horribly in the previous months and I was at the end of my rope. I truly didn't know if I could continue on to parent her. Now I can say with a clear mind that I was still consumed with extreme fatigue and grief so I wasn't thinking clearly. But that night I saw her in so much pain (both the water trauma and the eye) it caused my protective walls I placed around my heart to fall and my mommy instincts and love to flow. You see, every time I would reach out to my daughter, she would make me pay a price for it. RAD is SO difficult. But after my mother died, I just was a shell of a person for awhile. I wasn't there, emotionally, for anyone. I was exhausted. And my daughter, whose needs are far more than any child I've ever seen, took this as rejection and abandonment and acted out in the most horrible way. Which caused this mommy to build up more walls.

 

BUT, when you see your child in pain, everything is forgotten. The emotions a burn to her eye caused in me were huge, because my heart was aching not only for her eye, but for her deep sadness and pain in her heart. I also know a trigger for me was seeing her relive that intense fear of water that she had for the first couple of years she came home. I hadn't seen that in SO long and it just killed me to witness it again. And, my heart was aching because she's fought me being mom for so long now.

 

She walked in on me one day and I was crying out of control. Her eye was much better, but I was so sad at the pain and turmoil she's been in since she could voice it to me. When she asked me what was wrong, I told her. EVERYTHING. I told her that I wished she would not take her anger at her birth mom out on me, and that I wish she would be happy in her family. I told her that more than anything I wanted her to be happy, I wanted her to grow up happy, and I wanted her to be happy to be in her American family. I told her over and over how much I loved her, hugging and speaking through my sobs and tears. I told her I was so sorry that she was the only Chinese person in our family but I simply couldn't change that. (I'd never adopt again, it's been very rewarding but the absolute HARDEST thing I've done in my life is raising her.) I've never spoken to her quite like this before. I said many, many things and she cried in such a primal way, sobs from deep within her being. She cried in a way I had only seen once before, and that was a couple of years ago when my young child told me not to ever mention her birth mother to anyone. (I never had, but I wanted her to be in charge of what I said when people asked questions about her adoption. She said anything, but do NOT mention her birth mother. And this evoked deep, deep sadness and pain in her.)

 

It's been a few weeks now and she's been such a loving, affectionate, CO-OPERATIVE child. Things just feel so "normal" right now. We've been at this place before for a period of about 8 - 9 months, but that was before my parents health severely declined and I was caring for them. I know we're going to get back there again.

 

Another HUGE thing is that I can't believe how incredibly smart she is. She's been showing me all she truly DOES know, and I'm absolutely SHOCKED. She's way beyond where any of my other kids were at this age, and I have some pretty smart kids!

 

Another HUGE thing for her is that when we used to see Chinese people out in public, she'd run past them, embarrassed to be with her American family in the presence of other Chinese people. These past couple of weeks, she'll see a Chinese person and smile up at me, or whisper, "Mom, there's a Chinese person!" While I hate that I got shampoo in my daughter's eye and it caused her pain, the healing that has taken place in her heart and mine has been amazing.

 

I know in huge part it's been because there are so many people praying for us, IRL and online, too. I want to thank you all for your prayers.

 

Please share in my joy. :001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Denise, I've been praying for you and am so glad to see this update. I was wondering how it was going. I'm so glad that you've had an opportunity to tear down some walls between you.

[TravelingChris]

I am so happy for you Denise.

[Pink Fairy]

Wow, Denise. Beautiful! And I do share in your joy. Thank you for sharing with us.

[WyoSylvia]

May I just say, "Wow!" What a wonderful post. Congratulations.

 

You are an :Angel_anim:

[PollyOR]

:001_wub: Be sure and keep a copy of this to look back on when you need bolstering.

[Kfamily]

:grouphug: I'm so happy for your family!

[ElizabethB]

:001_smile::001_smile: :001_smile:

 

That's great. I'm so happy for you I'm crying!

 

We have good friends who are going to adopt a 14 year old and a 3 year old from Ethiopia soon, I'm going to save this for them in case they need it as motivation.

[*********]

Denise, I'm so glad for you. Thank you so much for taking time to share this. Blessings to you and your family. You've been through so much lately, it's nice to hear this. :)

[Mabeline]

Wow, thanks for sharing. Your story brought a tear to my eye. God bless you both. I will pray for you and your daughter.

[Twinmom]

Denise, that is fantastic! Sometimes it takes that kind of brutal honesty to reach the heart of a child who has RAD, and it sounds like it was well timed. Similar situations have happened with my adopted DD here at home with similar results, and it sure is wonderful to see her break through the pain! I am SO happy for you both! It is obvious that she is responding to you and that she is headed in the right direction.

[DawnM]

Blessings.

 

I too have a Chinese child so I am always very touched with other families with Chinese children.

 

Dawn

[chickenpatty]

Thankyou so much for sharing your beautiful story!

[jujsky]

Denise, thank you for sharing such a beautiful post! I'm sitting here literally in tears as I type this to you. I've been having a rough patch with my DS (adopted as well). Your post has given me hope and inspiration. I am so filled with joy for the place you and your dd are in right now! I hope it continues :001_smile:

[Sugarfoot]

This was so wonderful to read! I'm so happy for your family.

[Starr]

:grouphug:

[jeri]

May this be the start of even better! Thanks for cheering me up after a very difficult dayy with my son!

 

Jeri

mom to 6: 3 bio, 3 adopted