Adoption from foster care

[musicmommy]

Hey all,

Just wondering if anyone else here has or is in the process of adopting from the foster care system. We are just starting this journey and would love advice, insight, resources, etc.

 

Feel free to PM me if you'd rather do that than reply here. :001_smile:

[RebeccaS]

We have adopted once and Lord willing, we'd like to adopt again. We are currently fostering, but she is about to be moved to her adoptive home (long, sad story for us). Do you have any specific questions?

[specialmama]

We're in the process. We've been approved and are waiting for a match. Could be any day now. I go through periods of cold feet and mourning for our family the way it is right now... to periods of excitement and on-top-of-the-world strength that YES we CAN do this!

 

Have you taken training? Our training here in Alberta was great. Are you, by chance, in Alberta? The resources here are amazing, with the government paying you foster care rates until the child turns 18, they call this initiative Supports for Permanancy, enabling families to adopt who otherwise may not be able to financially swing it. There is absolutely no cost to us anywhere in the process. We even requested an extra $600 every summer for camp. Don't get me wrong, it's not all about the money, but it sure wouldn't hurt!

[musicmommy]

I'm glad I'm not the only one doing/has done this. Everyone we know that has adopted has been overseas. We decided against that for various reasons, part of it being, we can afford the child once he gets in our home, but not afford to get him here.

 

We aren't fostering to adopt, only adopting out of the system. By the time the child is brought to our attention, he will be legally free. We're a little fearful of all this...bringing a child into our already established family. Is it possible do this with success? I always had the view that children in the foster system were so completely messed up, but I know it isn't true. I guess I'm just hoping to hear some positive transition stories.

 

We're a little frustrated with the process here in Oregon. The child has to have 3 families interested before it goes to committee for placement and one of those families is chosen. We could really feel strongly about a child and until 2 other families feel that same way, the child just sits in foster care. Is that how it is everywhere? It seems wrong to me.

 

How long did it take you to adopt? We are going to be meeting with our family coordinator in two weeks and then we get motoring on the homestudy. We've been longing to adopt for a couple of years now and it's finally able to become a reality. We're excited and scared. I look at my boys and wonder if this is a good thing for them.

[Tap]

DD2 is my great niece that we adopted through the foster care system. The process was the same for us in every aspect as a regular foster/adopt situation except that we knew the birth mom ahead of time.

 

My only advice...hold on tight, it is going to be a busy couple of years! My analogy for our experience was like living on a roller coaster, just waiting for the person in front of you to vomit. It is a bazaar feeling of waiting for someone else to fail, and for their attempts at being a better parent, to be the thing that pulls your child away from you.

 

It was reassuring at the end to know that her bio-parents had been given many, many, many chances to get her back, and that her placement was justified. This process at times can be frustrating but at the end, it did offer a feeling of closure for me, knowing that my niece wasn't willing to do what she needed to do to get her back, no matter what she said or how she acted.

 

The process took about 2 years for us, the baby was taken at birth, placed with us at 5 month old and we finalized just before her 2nd birthday.

 

Feel free to ask any questions you like.

 

ETA: Our process was in Oregon because the baby was in Oregon at the time. We live in Washington, so we had to do an interstate compact. I hadn't heard of the 'must have 3 families' rule. I know there was a list, on which a few family members put their name, as backup placement options (although they weren't viable candidates), so maybe that covered it for us. We had to go to court one time, just for the judge to rule that we were the 'selected' family and to give us the go ahead. It really wasn't a stumbling block for us, so hopefully it won't be for you.

Edited September 18, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap

[specialmama]

We're a little frustrated with the process here in Oregon. The child has to have 3 families interested before it goes to committee for placement and one of those families is chosen. We could really feel strongly about a child and until 2 other families feel that same way, the child just sits in foster care. Is that how it is everywhere? It seems wrong to me.

 

How long did it take you to adopt? We are going to be meeting with our family coordinator in two weeks and then we get motoring on the homestudy. We've been longing to adopt for a couple of years now and it's finally able to become a reality. We're excited and scared. I look at my boys and wonder if this is a good thing for them.

 

Wow, it's not like that here at all. It can take 3-6 months once your training is done. Longer if there isn't a match based on child desired profile. Here, there does not need to be 3 families, that is just insane and unjust! I feel for you and those children waiting. They're being used like an auction item. So unfair!

 

In our training, we learned that the adjustment varies with ages and with the trauma they were exposed to. Even day-old infants have issues with bonding and attachment, but they typically settle in after 2 weeks. For a girl in the age bracket we're looking at, it takes 6-12 months for the worst to be over. A child over 12 may never attach. Sad, sad statistics. The thing that got me, was that around the 6 mth mark (for a child 4-9) the child hits bottom: they realize they aren't going back home and they WANT to, so they mourn, they reach this suicidal-low kind of depression. It is NORMAL and necessary for proper bonding. But when they finally start to recover and start to accept you, that's when the parent crashes and hits bottom. This is when most adoptions fail. It is very unfortunate, because the child just started to recover and whammo! the rug is pulled out from under them again. If the parent had just called in all the resources (children's services, family, church, etc) to help, then a few months later when the parent starts to climb up again, it would be better. Never will be the same, granted, but close to it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, there will be better days, but there needs to be those bad days while the child sorts through the madness of it all. It is normal. I am clinging to this fact, and hope that with God's strength, we can all make it to the end of that first year, and be glad that we did so. :)

[RebeccaS]

Here in Ohio, in order to adopt a younger child "easily", we had to license as foster to adopt. In nearly all cases, the plan in reunification with birth family and if that falls through, most families that house young children (think 5 and under) choose to adopt them. So, here, you might wait years for a child to be legally free and able to adopt.

 

We were licensed in March 2008 and we wanted to take in a boy, age 2 or under. Our youngest at the time was 3 and we didn't want any child older. We got a call for a little girl who was 2 and we just couldn't say no. She had a severe head injury and we were probably crazy to do it, but later on I found out that we were the 9th home that was called to take her in and no one else wanted her. She made amazing recovery-we saw her through extensive thereapies, a surgery and her eventual reunification with her mother. It was wonderful and awful all at the same time. We had grown so attached to her. Just before she went home, we got a call for a 3 yr old boy that was already in permanent custody. This would have been November 2008. The family he was living with was supposed to adopt him, but they decided not to. This was to be his second disruption from adoption. We were his fourth home (he was in respite for 6 weeks-long enough to really get comfy and start calling the family mom and dad) in three years. I would be naive if I said that everything is awesome. I know that there can and may be issues down the road, but in all honesty, he is doing awesome. He has adapted well here-he is a wonderful boy. He adapted so easily, that my dh and I often wonder what the future holds for us. His gal couldn't say enough about how pleased she was with his transition. (His transition here was way too short-we visited with him twice before he was moved here-the other family was not a good fit on many levels.) By law, Byron had to live with us for 6 months before we could adopt. We finalized his adoption in July of 2009.

 

My dh and I feel very strongly that we'd like to adopt again. We have a nice 2 and 2 grouping of girls and boys, but we are caucasian and our ds is AA. We want to adopt another AA child so that he will not be the only one in our family of blue eyed, light haired children. Our current foster daughter may be going up for adoption soon, but we are not able to adopt her. She has three siblings and by law, social services has to try and find an adoptive home for all four siblings. Since we cannot take in and house 8 children total, we are losing her to the family able to take in her and her siblings. This is the downside to foster to adopt. I've had her since she was born and now I have to give her to someone else.

 

As far as I know, if you are found as a potential match for a child, there is no waiting for other families to be interested in the child as well. That seems counter productive to placing children! Here, there are so many children in foster and/or permanent custody that I don't think there is that luxury. It's so sad, really. While we adore our fd, there will be another child to take her bed once she is moved.

 

I also wanted to mention that we chose to adopt from the foster system due to financial concerns. We wanted to adopt, but there was no way we could afford to anything out of the country. And, we weren't willing to go into debt to adopt. That we were firm on.

 

I'm not sure about other states, but once you are licensed, you must attend continuing education classes to maintain your license. The continuing education classes have been invaluable to me, refreshing me on the challanges we'll likely face as adoptive parents.

 

I suppose I've rambled long enough. I have trouble with concise and to the point. :D:tongue_smilie:

[Impish]

Adoption is something that Wolf and I have discussed on and off through out our marriage. Wolf himself was adopted via foster care. We've also talked about being foster parents, but frankly, I don't think we have the emotional base needed. The first child who showed up battered would have Wolf out hunting down his parents. We went through a 10 day placement when I was pregnant with Tazzie. Wolf's niece was on meth, and we took her 13 mth old under police presence. It broke our hearts when the social worker deemed she would be returned...despite positive drug testing, etc. I'm not sure we could handle reunification. Plus, with Tazzie and Princess being so young (4 and 3 on Tuesday) we worried about their emotional health. How could they possibly understand that a child disappears?

 

Now that I have RSD, and the accompanying medication (aka narcotics), I can't imagine ever getting approved. I just can't see it. Too many people question my ability to homeschool Diva because of the severe chronic pain, I just can't imagine convincing a social worker that we could handle another child.

 

I just don't know. We want to move to an acreage. If and when that happens, and we have more room, perhaps we'll discuss it again. I know in my heart that my family isn't complete yet...I just don't know what God has in store for us.

 

For myself, I'd love to have a HUGE family. I'm talking Duggar size, but via adoption. The more I investigated adopting via social services, the more I realized how unlikely that would be, with RAD and such.

 

My heart is open and willing. I just don't see the system ever agreeing.

[Ottakee]

We adopted all 3 through foster care. 21ds came at 7 years old, 13dd came at 7 months old and 12dd came at 2 days old. All do have special needs.

 

We also fostered over 100 other kids through the years.

[Rose in BC]

They were both four when we adopted them. We also have a daughter we adopted at birth.

[Julie in Austin]

We went to our first PRIDE class last night.

[WTMindy]

We are just starting this process too!! We have filled out our application, signed up for the 30 hours of class (in October) and have an appointment tomorrow to get our fingerprints done. I'm excited to read the other responses!!

[Carrie12345]

Hey all,

Just wondering if anyone else here has or is in the process of adopting from the foster care system. We are just starting this journey and would love advice, insight, resources, etc.

 

Feel free to PM me if you'd rather do that than reply here. :001_smile:

 

Just want to wish you luck! :)

It's a journey I hope to take one day. But not today! ;)

[Ottakee]

Just a note---make sure to go into this with your eyes WIDE open.

 

There IS a reason these children are in foster care---it might be abuse, neglect, mental illness/drug addiction/alcohol abuse in the family, etc. Love is NOT going to be enough.

 

Be prepared to seek outside help and counseling, be willing to address physical, emotional, and learning issues as they come up. Many children have only minor issues but others have serious long term issues.

 

This is not to say that you should not adopt but rather make sure you know what you are in for. Attend some adoptive family activities and support groups---esp. for those who have adopted through foster care. Find out what resources are available in your area for post adoption services, etc.

 

Read up on fetal alcohol, drug exposed babies, various mental illnesses (many are genetic), post traumatic stress, attachment disorder, etc.

 

I really am VERY pro adoption and have adopted 3 through foster care and fostered over 100 others. I have seen enough to know that this is not an easy road. This may be the "toughest job you will ever love" type thing.

 

As you get closer to being matched with a child make sure to ask LOTS of questions--of the workers, foster parents, school, therapists, etc. Keep asking until you are satisfied that you really have a good idea of the child and their needs. Sad to say some workers will flat out lie to you, others might not know the long term issues, etc.

 

When we adopted, we knew about many but not all of our childrens' issues. With our son most were known but we were lied to about the sexual abuse stuff. With our girls I took the older on very short notice---like 45 minutes and I had a 1/2 hour drive to get there (foster placement with intention of adoption) and they had her race wrong---my African American/Native American girl had blond hair, blue eyes and the fairest skin you ever did see. She was "on target" developmentally according to the call but she was 7 1/2 months old and the doctor scored her at a 2 week old level--couldn't sit, roll, smile, coo, didn't even make eye contact, etc. She has come a LONG ways since then but still has life long delays.

[Denisemomof4]

Wow, it's not like that here at all. It can take 3-6 months once your training is done. Longer if there isn't a match based on child desired profile. Here, there does not need to be 3 families, that is just insane and unjust! I feel for you and those children waiting. They're being used like an auction item. So unfair!

 

In our training, we learned that the adjustment varies with ages and with the trauma they were exposed to. Even day-old infants have issues with bonding and attachment, but they typically settle in after 2 weeks. For a girl in the age bracket we're looking at, it takes 6-12 months for the worst to be over. A child over 12 may never attach. Sad, sad statistics. The thing that got me, was that around the 6 mth mark (for a child 4-9) the child hits bottom: they realize they aren't going back home and they WANT to, so they mourn, they reach this suicidal-low kind of depression. It is NORMAL and necessary for proper bonding. But when they finally start to recover and start to accept you, that's when the parent crashes and hits bottom. This is when most adoptions fail. It is very unfortunate, because the child just started to recover and whammo! the rug is pulled out from under them again. If the parent had just called in all the resources (children's services, family, church, etc) to help, then a few months later when the parent starts to climb up again, it would be better. Never will be the same, granted, but close to it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, there will be better days, but there needs to be those bad days while the child sorts through the madness of it all. It is normal. I am clinging to this fact, and hope that with God's strength, we can all make it to the end of that first year, and be glad that we did so. :)

 

 

HOW LUCKY you are to have had that training! My problem was that NOBODY informed me about attachment issues, and I didn't do the right thing with her until she was 3.5, almost 4!!! I think EVERY adoption should go through the classes you mention.

 

It's been a long journey for us. Please do your reading about attachment issues, how to attach, how to bond, etc. No matter how old your child is, LOTS OF ROCKING AND CUDDLING, preferably with a bottle, no matter the age.

 

I've read that it will take as long in your home to heal that it took to get the kids in their condition. If you adopt a toddler of 2.5, expect 2.5 years before you get results. And be prepared for never getting results, it happens.

 

Because you have other kids, I'd tell you the younger you get the child, the better. My daughter is 6.5 from a Chinese orphanage and we got her at 14 months of age. She was very broken and damaged and it's been a long, hard journey. Please do your research so you don't waste time, as I did, doing the right things. I've learned that I can NOT parent my adopted child the same as my bio kids.

 

There's a TON of information out there. I wish I had known about it BEFORE we adopted because we would have been able to reach our daughter sooner. She's doing far better now than she used to, but she's always going to be my biggest challenge and some days she simply exhausts me, but we have far fewer of those days now than we used to.

[musicmommy]

I really appreciate all the wonderful replies of both encouragement and also that it won't be easy. Here in Oregon, we are required to take the foster care training so hopefully, we'll be able to learn a lot there. We actually decided to use an adoption agency even though it costs a bit more because of all the support systems they have in place. They have extra classes we can take and will do follow up with us as we need it.

 

Our two younger boys are excited about bringing another child into our home, but our oldest is a bit more reluctant.

 

What are some resources or books that would be good to read about attachment things, fetal alcohol or anything else? Our agency has some material for us also, but I'm a reader and researcher and would love to get more.

 

We're hoping to get a 3 or 4 year old boy. Since we already have all boys, it's just a natural thing to keep that going.

 

Again, thank you so much for all your words of wisdom and encouragement!

[Julie in Austin]

Just a note---make sure to go into this with your eyes WIDE open.

 

There IS a reason these children are in foster care---it might be abuse, neglect, mental illness/drug addiction/alcohol abuse in the family, etc. Love is NOT going to be enough.

 

Be prepared to seek outside help and counseling, be willing to address physical, emotional, and learning issues as they come up. Many children have only minor issues but others have serious long term issues.

 

This is not to say that you should not adopt but rather make sure you know what you are in for. Attend some adoptive family activities and support groups---esp. for those who have adopted through foster care. Find out what resources are available in your area for post adoption services, etc.

 

Read up on fetal alcohol, drug exposed babies, various mental illnesses (many are genetic), post traumatic stress, attachment disorder, etc.

 

I really am VERY pro adoption and have adopted 3 through foster care and fostered over 100 others. I have seen enough to know that this is not an easy road. This may be the "toughest job you will ever love" type thing.

 

As you get closer to being matched with a child make sure to ask LOTS of questions--of the workers, foster parents, school, therapists, etc. Keep asking until you are satisfied that you really have a good idea of the child and their needs. Sad to say some workers will flat out lie to you, others might not know the long term issues, etc.

 

When we adopted, we knew about many but not all of our childrens' issues. With our son most were known but we were lied to about the sexual abuse stuff. With our girls I took the older on very short notice---like 45 minutes and I had a 1/2 hour drive to get there (foster placement with intention of adoption) and they had her race wrong---my African American/Native American girl had blond hair, blue eyes and the fairest skin you ever did see. She was "on target" developmentally according to the call but she was 7 1/2 months old and the doctor scored her at a 2 week old level--couldn't sit, roll, smile, coo, didn't even make eye contact, etc. She has come a LONG ways since then but still has life long delays.

 

I'm totally new at this, but just thought I'd add that I have felt that I have learned a lot by lurking on a fos/adopt message board for the last year.

 

As we all know, people on boards tend to let it all hang out and I've appreciated seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lots of things I never would have thought about . . .

[Denisemomof4]

I'm totally new at this, but just thought I'd add that I have felt that I have learned a lot by lurking on a fos/adopt message board for the last year.

 

As we all know, people on boards tend to let it all hang out and I've appreciated seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lots of things I never would have thought about . . .

 

I'd say I learned most from the boards as well. They also have lots of books to recommend.

 

I did attach-china but you wouldn't get approved for that since you don't already have a kid with an attachment disorder.

 

Nancy Thomas is good and if you get a young child many used her program Taming The Tiger While It Is Still A Kitten. I know nothing about it, my dd was too old for it when I realized what we were dealing with AND I couldn't carry her around.

 

What I can recommend is that no matter how much the child resists, TONS of rocking and cuddling, touch, etc. CHEST TO CHEST rocking and cuddling - it took me a LONG time to realize why my daughter always put her back to my chest. I did TONS of attachment activities. There's TONS of information on the web. Maybe search for attachment and bonding activities, attaching in adoption, attchment parenting, etc.

[oceandaughter]

We want to do this. In fact during LABOR with my last two babies I mentioned it. Prior to his vascectomy I made sure dh was still on board with it.

 

Right now we are on ex-pat assignment in Wales and those two babies are still very young. We definately have a calling for it.

 

Has anyone listened to the foster parenting podcast. We love it.

[fivetails]

We're in the process. We've been approved and are waiting for a match. Could be any day now. I go through periods of cold feet and mourning for our family the way it is right now... to periods of excitement and on-top-of-the-world strength that YES we CAN do this!

 

Have you taken training? Our training here in Alberta was great. Are you, by chance, in Alberta? The resources here are amazing, with the government paying you foster care rates until the child turns 18, they call this initiative Supports for Permanancy, enabling families to adopt who otherwise may not be able to financially swing it. There is absolutely no cost to us anywhere in the process. We even requested an extra $600 every summer for camp. Don't get me wrong, it's not all about the money, but it sure wouldn't hurt!

 

We looked into it up here ~ but I don't know how we'd ever get approved because my dh took one look at the miles of forms in the application packages and said 'yeah right'. All the questions about your "parenting philosophy" and stuff, along with tonnes about your relationship with your *own* parents - he has no relationship with his father and does not care to discuss the whys of that with anyone, never mind a social worker he doesn't know from a hole in the ground. His attitude about it is that it was long ago and who cares now. Not up for discussion. Y'know? I could manage to traipse through the forms and give the sorts of deep self-analyzing answers they want (even though I'm kinda the same - my early childhood background is a mess - I was in foster care as a young teen myself - and it has nothing to do with who I am now) cuz I know how this works, but he's supposed to do the same forms. No. Way. In. Winter. will he ever fill all those out - parenting philosophy? His parenting philosophy is "Go ask your mother". :lol:

 

Seriously. All the questions! They'd want *him* personally to explain things like why we homeschool -- think they'd accept "because the wife does these strange things" as an answer? :tongue_smilie:

 

Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful husband & father ~ he works long hours to provide for us and he loves us very much.. he's just not the sort to go digging deeply into things, y'know? ;)

[dancer67]

I am glad I ran across this thread. DH and I have been discussing foster/adopt for a while now. My best friend works for Child Social Services, and is in charge of the adotpion process. So I have spoken to her about the process.

 

My question is, has anyone fostered and then adopted a teenager? A girl specifically.

 

We want to adopt a pre-teen. Probably around 11-13 yo. We have raised two teenagers(well I still have one dd that will be 17,oldest son is 19) and our youngest is 11, a girl.

 

We did have lots of trouble with our 16 yo, but we got through it. Even with all the issues, my husband and I think teengagers are terrific. Yes, they have their problems, no question. But they also deserve a family.

 

Because I have a younger daughter, and a teen daughter, I would only foster/adopt an older girl.

 

Any experience in the teenage adoptions?

[CalicoKat]

our last two babies we fostered and then were blessed to be able to adopt them into our forever family.

 

It was a 3 year process for our 4 yo ds. He arrived in my arms at 4 months of age. And dd 2 yo arrived straight from the NICU. Her adoption was completed a couple weeks after her 2nd bday.

 

Our other three children were private infant adoptions.

[Ferdie]

We looked into it up here ~ but I don't know how we'd ever get approved because my dh took one look at the miles of forms in the application packages and said 'yeah right'. All the questions about your "parenting philosophy" and stuff, along with tonnes about your relationship with your *own* parents - he has no relationship with his father and does not care to discuss the whys of that with anyone, never mind a social worker he doesn't know from a hole in the ground. His attitude about it is that it was long ago and who cares now. Not up for discussion. Y'know? I could manage to traipse through the forms and give the sorts of deep self-analyzing answers they want (even though I'm kinda the same - my early childhood background is a mess - I was in foster care as a young teen myself - and it has nothing to do with who I am now) cuz I know how this works, but he's supposed to do the same forms. No. Way. In. Winter. will he ever fill all those out - parenting philosophy? His parenting philosophy is "Go ask your mother". :lol:

 

Seriously. All the questions! They'd want *him* personally to explain things like why we homeschool -- think they'd accept "because the wife does these strange things" as an answer? :tongue_smilie:

 

Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful husband & father ~ he works long hours to provide for us and he loves us very much.. he's just not the sort to go digging deeply into things, y'know? ;)

 

If you guys are serious about foster adoption, please don't let the forms and paperwork derail you. I'm not exactly sure how it works in Cananda, but in the states they are looking for loving, caring homes to adopt these children. My dh was from a dysfuntional family and we both did drugs when we were first married. We put all of that on our forms. They are really looking for truth and honesty and are not expecting perfection. My imperfect home is way better than letting a child be raised in a group foster home.

 

I know the questions are very personal, but they aren't going to release a child into a family without asking those type of questions. KWIM? It is for the good of the child that they delve into the parent's upbringing and parenting beliefs. I know it is a pain and can be emotionally exhausting to revisit the past and define your beliefs on paper, but it is really about the chance to shelter another child from the system. We adopted three foster children and it was worth it each time, (even when we had to redo most of the paperwork because they changed the forms, ugh!!)

 

Tell your dh that your internet friend respectfully says, "Do the paperwork. Save a child."

Edited September 27, 2009 by Ferdie

[Ferdie]

I am glad I ran across this thread. DH and I have been discussing foster/adopt for a while now. My best friend works for Child Social Services, and is in charge of the adotpion process. So I have spoken to her about the process.

 

My question is, has anyone fostered and then adopted a teenager? A girl specifically.

 

We want to adopt a pre-teen. Probably around 11-13 yo. We have raised two teenagers(well I still have one dd that will be 17,oldest son is 19) and our youngest is 11, a girl.

 

We did have lots of trouble with our 16 yo, but we got through it. Even with all the issues, my husband and I think teengagers are terrific. Yes, they have their problems, no question. But they also deserve a family.

 

Because I have a younger daughter, and a teen daughter, I would only foster/adopt an older girl.

 

Any experience in the teenage adoptions?

 

The advice we were given was to respect the hierarchy in your family and adopt children younger than the existing members of your family.

[Ferdie]

What are some resources or books that would be good to read about attachment things, fetal alcohol or anything else? Our agency has some material for us also, but I'm a reader and researcher and would love to get more.

 

For attachment disorder we used Holding Time, by Martha G. Welch and Mary Ellen Mark. I got it from our library, so you can probably find it on an interlibrary loan. We adopted three foster children and only one had attachment disorder. He was only one years old, but I knew right away that something was wrong.

 

All three of mine were drug exposed, but I haven't seen any obvious issues from that.

 

I am so excited for you. Please keep us posted.

[kalanamak]

She has three siblings and by law, social services has to try and find an adoptive home for all four siblings. Since we cannot take in and house 8 children total, we are losing her to the family able to take in her and her siblings. This is the downside to foster to adopt. I've had her since she was born and now I have to give her to someone else.

 

 

 

I wonder what Einstein decided that to go off with a stranger to some new, but "biological", sibs and lose the only home you've known was "better".

:grouphug: to you both.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

Adopting through foster care has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. It was emotionally easier for us because we went into it with no intention of adopting but like many other foster parents we fell in love and when our children became legally free we made them forever ours.

 

Our son was placed at 6 days and our daughter at 4 weeks. Our son was reunified for a short period of time and that is when our daughter came along. Our son came back to us just 8 weeks later and they are 18 days apart. They have the same racial makeup (AA/Hatian) and look like and are like twins. Our journey was uncharacteristically easy. Both sets of parents showed little interest and relinqueshed early on in the process. Having said that, I have many friends who are stuck on the roller coaster and it is tough.

 

Here in FL it would be very hard to be placed with a 3-4 year old healthy boy without fostering first. Most foster kiddos are adopted by their foster parents. It does happen but not often. Most of the children available in my county are older minority boys. This breaks my heart and I wish my husband were open to just one more (I would love an 8+ boy as would my son) but he says, "no", at least for now.

 

I wish you all the best in your journey. There are so many precious little ones out there needing their forever family. Thank you for opening your heart to one.

 

Blessings,

 

Lisa

[KrissiK]

We adopted all three of our children through the foster care system. Our boys are bio brothers, adopted at ages 13 mo. and 4 mo. The adoption went fairly smoothly. Our daughter we adopted at 2 days old thanks to the Safe Surrender Law. Because of her circumstances there were no problems at all. In our previous adoptions, the longest we waited was 6 months from finished paperwork to placement. We would like to adopt again and it's been over 2 years and we're still waiting. It's been frustrating. Adopting through the foster care system is a wonderful thing, but it is also very frustrating. It is working with a government agency, and that should tell you a lot right there. I believe the social workers do have the children's best interests at heart, but sometimes the way that plays out.... isn't all that great. It's tough, and sometimes you end up in the nitty-gritty and ugliness of people's screwed up lives. It's a real chance to minister to children, and a lot of times their bio-parents, but you do have to look at the whole process realistically. I looked at it, as I do a lot of things, through rose colored glasses, and those were yanked off right away when I had to take the boys to visitation with their birth-mom. Woohoo! This girl had an education, for sure. But, I don't want to discourage you. My children are the most wonderful thing in the world to me (even my oldest son who's spending time in his room for being disprespectful for the umpteenth time today), and I wouldn't trade them, or the experience for the world.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

Adopting through the foster care system is a wonderful thing, but it is also very frustrating. It is working with a government agency, and that should tell you a lot right there. I believe the social workers do have the children's best interests at heart, but sometimes the way that plays out.... isn't all that great. It's tough, and sometimes you end up in the nitty-gritty and ugliness of people's screwed up lives. It's a real chance to minister to children, and a lot of times their bio-parents, but you do have to look at the whole process realistically. I looked at it, as I do a lot of things, through rose colored glasses, and those were yanked off right away when I had to take the boys to visitation with their birth-mom. Woohoo! This girl had an education, for sure. But, I don't want to discourage you. My children are the most wonderful thing in the world to me (even my oldest son who's spending time in his room for being disprespectful for the umpteenth time today), and I wouldn't trade them, or the experience for the world.

 

:iagree:This is so true. I pray a lot for God's grace when it comes to the system. Once I am done fostering, I believe that lobbying may be in my future. In many instances, bio parents are given way too long to get their acts together and the children suffer. It is not for the faint of heart but so worth it in the end.

[littleWMN]

We adopted an infant from foster care three years ago. :001_smile:

[Saille]

Just a note---make sure to go into this with your eyes WIDE open.

 

There IS a reason these children are in foster care---it might be abuse, neglect, mental illness/drug addiction/alcohol abuse in the family, etc. Love is NOT going to be enough.

 

Be prepared to seek outside help and counseling, be willing to address physical, emotional, and learning issues as they come up. Many children have only minor issues but others have serious long term issues.

 

This is not to say that you should not adopt but rather make sure you know what you are in for. Attend some adoptive family activities and support groups---esp. for those who have adopted through foster care. Find out what resources are available in your area for post adoption services, etc.

 

Read up on fetal alcohol, drug exposed babies, various mental illnesses (many are genetic), post traumatic stress, attachment disorder, etc.

 

I really am VERY pro adoption and have adopted 3 through foster care and fostered over 100 others. I have seen enough to know that this is not an easy road. This may be the "toughest job you will ever love" type thing.

 

As you get closer to being matched with a child make sure to ask LOTS of questions--of the workers, foster parents, school, therapists, etc. Keep asking until you are satisfied that you really have a good idea of the child and their needs. Sad to say some workers will flat out lie to you, others might not know the long term issues, etc.

 

When we adopted, we knew about many but not all of our childrens' issues. With our son most were known but we were lied to about the sexual abuse stuff.

 

:iagree:

 

As someone who worked with kids with severe emotional disturbance (many of those in a school inside a residential unit and counseling facility), I am vehemently nodding my head here. Young children who've had parental custody permanently severed have some real horror stories, and some of my students' adoptive parents were woefully under-informed by CPS. I saw one case in which I felt CPS was criminally negligent.

 

A sexually abused child may feel the compulsion to perpetrate sexual acts on one of your own children. A child who entered the foster care system, and whose parent chose to have another child while not bothering to get their first child back, may target pregnant women or small infants. (I concealed my first pregnancy from my students for six months because one of them fit this profile.) Ask, directly and specifically, about RAD, Asperger's, Autism Spectrum Disorder, FAS, parental crack addiction and even bi-polar or suspected personality disorders. These last two weren't traditionally diagnosed before puberty, but they're medicating younger children for them, so they're diagnosing them now. Ask what meds the child is taking, and then take that list to your doctor or a psychiatrist and ask questions. If visitation or foster placement in your home is involved, watch closely for destructive behaviors, particularly cruelty to smaller children or animals, or anything involving fire.

 

I am NOT saying that no one should adopt a child with one of these problems. However, if your obstetrician told you that your unborn child had Down's, or something else, you'd do your research. You'd arm yourself with the best information and the best game plan you could come up with. Make sure you know exactly what you're committing to, because nothing could be more harmful than a failed adoption placement.