Divorce, custody and all that jazz

[Alison in KY]

:grouphug: For you Scarlett. Take care of yourself.

 

Oh, and one more vote for getting rid of the house (sorry). I want you to be as financially independent as possible.

 

Alison

[HSHS]

I won custody over my ex nineteen times over which wasn't fun in the slightest. DD's dad was violent, abusive & everything under the sun so I got full custody and he had a restraining order (twice over) that he never took any notice of. None the less, DD met him for the first time a little over a year ago and then in July, he passed away. I'm pretty sure the heart attack was drug related & unfortunately, so is my DD.

 

She even wants to see the coroners report when it comes out & legally she's entitled to see it, I think. At the time, she was very worried about money-matters since we're sure they got into a lot of debt over the funeral.

 

I'd insist on a funeral plan/life insurance too. I don't have any experience of divorce though, sorry. Me and DD's dad weren't married (a stroke of luck).

 

Good luck & hugs for you and ds. :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

I won custody over my ex nineteen times over which wasn't fun in the slightest. DD's dad was violent, abusive & everything under the sun so I got full custody and he had a restraining order (twice over) that he never took any notice of. None the less, DD met him for the first time a little over a year ago and then in July, he passed away. I'm pretty sure the heart attack was drug related & unfortunately, so is my DD.

 

She even wants to see the coroners report when it comes out & legally she's entitled to see it, I think. At the time, she was very worried about money-matters since we're sure they got into a lot of debt over the funeral.

 

I'd insist on a funeral plan/life insurance too. I don't have any experience of divorce though, sorry. Me and DD's dad weren't married (a stroke of luck).

 

Good luck & hugs for you and ds. :grouphug:

 

Do you mean a funeral plan/life insurance plan for HIM. I have in the offer that he keep life insurance with ds as beneficiary until ds is 18. I'll let his mother and brothers worry about burying him.

 

My lawyer just sent out an email to his lawyer advising subpeonas are being issued...yikes. I guess it is on.

 

Oh I called the mammo place and plead my case to have the redo earlier than next Friday. They are getting me in on Tuesday. The result of that test will greatly affect how I proceed.

[Scarlett]

I won custody over my ex nineteen times over which wasn't fun in the slightest. DD's dad was violent, abusive & everything under the sun so I got full custody and he had a restraining order (twice over) that he never took any notice of.

 

I am so sorry for you that you went through that. My not dh is not that sort. He is a big mean bully until exposed and then his need to maintain his imaginary image overrides his need to bully me. He abides by the terms of our separation agreement and he doesn't harrrass me.

 

The big issue here in our divorce is over money and things because that is what means the most to him. My offers have been more than fair and my attorney thinks if it goes to court I will lose on a few small issues but certainly win more than not dh is offering. So I' ready. I've called all my friends and told them to put the date on their calender so they can be there to support me in the courtroom.

[Catherine]

It stunk for my good friend, who got endless last minute calls to pick the kids up on his days because he hadn't made other arrangements and knew she would not leave them sitting there for three hours (as he did when she made herself unavailable for these situations).

 

I think joint custody can only work well when you are dealing with another mature, co-parent who you trust to keep your child's best interests at heart. Some people have that situation, many don't. On many of his days with the kids, he made other plans for himself, without them, and left them home alone for many hours-like 10 or 12!! These were big kids, not babies, but it speaks to his true goals (control, not being with his kids) and judgement. It was finally resolved when he volunteered to give up custody of two kids, and parental rights for the third!! He was a total butthead IMO, but anyway...

 

I think your best joint custody partner would be a fellow grown up with good judgement and true, deep affection for the child, and a longstanding good relationship with him.

[Scarlett]

It stunk for my good friend, who got endless last minute calls to pick the kids up on his days because he hadn't made other arrangements and knew she would not leave them sitting there for three hours (as he did when she made herself unavailable for these situations).

 

I think joint custody can only work well when you are dealing with another mature, co-parent who you trust to keep your child's best interests at heart. Some people have that situation, many don't. On many of his days with the kids, he made other plans for himself, without them, and left them home alone for many hours-like 10 or 12!! These were big kids, not babies, but it speaks to his true goals (control, not being with his kids) and judgement. It was finally resolved when he volunteered to give up custody of two kids, and parental rights for the third!! He was a total butthead IMO, but anyway...

 

I think your best joint custody partner would be a fellow grown up with good judgement and true, deep affection for the child, and a longstanding good relationship with him.

 

Well, in this situation joint custody would only mean he would have equal say in major decisions of ds's life like schooling, medical, and religion. Precisely the reason I will not be agreeing to Joint custody per my attorney's advise. And there is no way not dh will win that in court. When all the evidence is presented he will lucky to have unsupervised visitation.

Edited September 11, 2009 by Scarlett
typo

[Scarlett]

Oh and just so you all know I've decided not to offer to co-own the house with notdh. It will be mine, his, or sold. I'm ok with any of those options. I've made two great offers to him for either him to keep it or me to keep it. He rejected both.

[Alison in KY]

Scarlett, how are your other kids? Don't you have several older kids out of the nest?

 

Again, I'm so sorry about all of this.

 

Alison

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, how are your other kids? Don't you have several older kids out of the nest?

 

Again, I'm so sorry about all of this.

 

Alison

 

No Ds9 is our only child. I'm sorry for ds but honestly he seems to be dealing ok with it and our day to day is so much more peaceful.

 

And I feel like the heavens opened up and freed me from a prison. Now if my mammo will just come back clean I will totally happy! :)

[Scarlett]

Oh, Scarlett, you need to change that siggy of yours.....LOL!!

 

Done! :)

[Scarlett]

It just gets worse and worse. Notdh talked to me a few nights ago and pretty much told me if I was going to 'do this' to him (depose him and subpoena his girlfriends to court) that he will hit back 3 times as hard. He said, 'you know me, so bring it.' I said, 'I don't even know what that means, 'bring it.' He elaborated that he would get me back in some way and that I had the power to stop it all right now. I said, 'And so do you.'

 

 

Then yesterday I got a voice mail from one of the girlfriend's husband. He cursed me and threatened me and my parents. He used the F word about 20 times in 5 sentences. I am shaken up by it all....will show it to my lawyer tomorrow....

 

I sure Notdh decides to settle this week.

[Marylou]

Amanda Kurowski has been denied the right to receive homeschooling from her mother in the state of New Hampshire. Why? According to the District Court in New Hampshire, Amanda has received too much religious education from her mother. The District Judge has taken Amanda away from her mother and mandated that she must attend a public school to “shake up†her Christian faith. Should Judges have this much authority? On today’s program, Dr. Mohler notes the dangers and far reaching implications of this court’s decision to have the State raise and educate Amanda Kurowski.

 

Scarlett, you may want to listen to this recent radio broadcast regarding homeschooling and divorce. :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

Amanda Kurowski has been denied the right to receive homeschooling from her mother in the state of New Hampshire. Why? According to the District Court in New Hampshire, Amanda has received too much religious education from her mother. The District Judge has taken Amanda away from her mother and mandated that she must attend a public school to “shake up†her Christian faith. Should Judges have this much authority? On today’s program, Dr. Mohler notes the dangers and far reaching implications of this court’s decision to have the State raise and educate Amanda Kurowski.

 

Scarlett, you may want to listen to this recent radio broadcast regarding homeschooling and divorce. :grouphug:

 

I use K12 through a public charter school. My lawyer feels very confident that with my son's test scores and his well rounded life that Notdh will have no grounds to attempt to force me to send ds to school. In fact, homeschooling will probably give me better alimony.

[Marylou]

I use K12 through a public charter school. My lawyer feels very confident that with my son's test scores and his well rounded life that Notdh will have no grounds to attempt to force me to send ds to school. In fact, homeschooling will probably give me better alimony.

 

You need to listen to the program. The girl wasn't removed from homeschool b/c she was not excelling academically or socially. The xh was allowed to "prove" that the child was being harmed b/c she wasn't exposed to more than one religious view. You said in some of your posts that you have religious holidays. I don't know to what religion you belong, but it doesn't matter. You should be prepared, I think.

[Scarlett]

You need to listen to the program. The girl wasn't removed from homeschool b/c she was not excelling academically or socially. The xh was allowed to "prove" that the child was being harmed b/c she wasn't exposed to more than one religious view. You said in some of your posts that you have religious holidays. I don't know to what religion you belong, but it doesn't matter. You should be prepared, I think.

 

It won't let me open it....Maybe being in the south will help me in that area. Notdh is not interested in religion AT ALL. One never knows what is going to happen though, you are right about that.

[Scarlett]

Suddenly, full custody is not an issue although he wants me to agree to put him in school by Jr. High. I would not agree. We are still working on the visitation structure.

 

And alimony is still a big problem.

[gingersmom]

It just gets worse and worse. Notdh talked to me a few nights ago and pretty much told me if I was going to 'do this' to him (depose him and subpoena his girlfriends to court) that he will hit back 3 times as hard. He said, 'you know me, so bring it.' I said, 'I don't even know what that means, 'bring it.' He elaborated that he would get me back in some way and that I had the power to stop it all right now. I said, 'And so do you.'

 

 

Then yesterday I got a voice mail from one of the girlfriend's husband. He cursed me and threatened me and my parents. He used the F word about 20 times in 5 sentences. I am shaken up by it all....will show it to my lawyer tomorrow....

 

I sure Notdh decides to settle this week.

 

My X used to call me house at least 40 times a day. Some days more.

 

So for about $100 I had a second phone line installed. And only my X husband had that number. So when he called we could choose to answer or not answer. There was no caller ID on phones then so I had a caller ID box.

The police told me I could have showed it to a judge and had him charged with harrassment for calling so often.

 

I would keep track of when notdh calls and his girlfriends, etc. call. You can have grounds to drag them all into court and get a restraining order against them. Which only makes you look better when you get into court.

 

Plus you do not need the added stress.

 

I would change your personal number to an unlisted number.

[Carol in Cal.]

I use K12 through a public charter school. My lawyer feels very confident that with my son's test scores and his well rounded life that Notdh will have no grounds to attempt to force me to send ds to school. In fact, homeschooling will probably give me better alimony.

 

...would force you to work fulltime or go to school to become able to work fulltime. It is very difficult to justify homeschooling in divorce court in CA. And, a court might set up a psuedo gardian for the child in that case, to advocate for him instead of either/both of his parents, and take that professional's advice.

 

Please be very careful. I think you might be on shakey ground.

[melissel]

Suddenly, full custody is not an issue although he wants me to agree to put him in school by Jr. High. I would not agree. We are still working on the visitation structure.

 

And alimony is still a big problem.

 

Oh Scarlett :grouphug: I'm sorry that it's so, so ugly right now. Keep your eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel, OK?

[Scarlett]

...would force you to work fulltime or go to school to become able to work fulltime. It is very difficult to justify homeschooling in divorce court in CA. And, a court might set up a psuedo gardian for the child in that case, to advocate for him instead of either/both of his parents, and take that professional's advice.

 

Please be very careful. I think you might be on shakey ground.

 

My lawyer says differently. Maybe it is the different state. But the whole alimony thing is based upon equalizing our financial situations since he has a career and I don't because I've been home taking care of our son, our house my Notdh, and homeschooling. For 10 years. So it isn't really so much about homeschooling as it me getting to keep some semblence of my standard of living.

[buddhabelly]

I am hoping that you have a beautiful mammogram. That's what the radiologist is going to say, "Just beautiful."

 

Julie

[Mama Bear]

...would force you to work fulltime or go to school to become able to work fulltime. It is very difficult to justify homeschooling in divorce court in CA. And, a court might set up a psuedo gardian for the child in that case, to advocate for him instead of either/both of his parents, and take that professional's advice.

 

Please be very careful. I think you might be on shakey ground.

 

Actually, the CA courts look at the "family standard". It is rare that a judge will allow a tantruming spouse to get away with flipping the whole family on it's head because he/she has decided to leave. The same would apply to a family who have had their kids in private schools but one parent leaves and decides that the family should now follow his/her new way of viewing things -- which is usually something like: public schools are now acceptable because that parent no longer wishes to pay tuition. :glare:

[Mama Bear]

Seconding Buddha Belly's words, dear. PM me anytime. :grouphug:

[ConnieB]

No, I can't. However, I would be shocked if he didn't pay what the court orders. I know it could happen but that is way down on the list of my worries.

 

 

Many states now REQUIRE that child/spousal support be paid through a wage garnishment. If your state isn't one of them, request that your attorney petition the court to make it so (if it's not required, the Court can still order it, at their discretion). This means that your check comes from his employer, not him....and is taken from his paycheck BEFORE he gets his paycheck. That means the only way out of paying you is to quit his job. Yeah, some deadbeats will do that, but the majority complain loudly for a while and then get over it. It's not worth quitting a job over to most.

 

BUT....it eliminates the need for you to be dependent on him......and in some cases "beg" him for your money. You stress is high when the check is even a day or two late, and that's a form of control that many courts realize shouldn't be allowed. If your attorney can't get the Court to grant it immediately, he should be asking that even ONE late payment (as determined by the postmark on the check, not the date on the check!) would result in immediate wage garnishment.

 

As for savings......most financial experts recommend that you have 2-6 months living expenses in readily available savings. But, when your only source of income is from your ex, it's best to have at least 4 months, because it can take 2-3 months to go through the hearing process and start a wage garnishment for non-payment. And that's not even considering the "what if he's laid off, or quits his job" scenario. Paying down on your house may be the better "investment" scenario, but having your mortgage shortened by a few years isn't going to do you diddly squat if you can't pay next month's mortgage. Unfortunately bank's seldom look at the fact that you've paid years off the back end of your mortgage when your current payment isn't being made.....and with the current economy it's probably even less likely to happen to a single mom with no income other than support. So be sure that you have the ability to keep the house while you fight him for what's yours!

[Scarlett]

Thanks all for your well wishes concerning my follow up mammo this morning.

 

Had huge fight with my Notdh last night on the phone....not sure why I allowed him to engage me, but oddly enough, I hung up and then slept like a baby. I think it is because I know that all his threatening and postering and insulting means nothing.....sounds like 'blah blah blah' to me.

 

He told me I am an 'old' woman, bitter, unhappy, look unhappy....that I'm all about the money....it was almost comical considering I've never been more stress free in years and HE is the one all about the money.

 

 

Looks like he is going to insist the house be sold, at the worst possible time of year but hey my God is great and things will work out. The things on the table now appear to be the visitation schedule and alimony. It will be fine.

[Karenciavo]

((Scarlett)) I am praying for you dear one.

[Scarlett]

Something there that they want to biopsy. Next Tuesday. Calcifications. Very likely nothing to be concerned about....I think if I wasn't about to lose my insurance they may have waited 6 months and re-checked it.

 

I wish my mom was not out of state. :crying:

[Impish]

:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

I met Notdh and we agreed on custody and visitation. I got exactly what I wanted. I get full custody and he gets the visitation schedule I set which allows ds to not ever have his religious training interupted. I'm thrilled.

 

I kept in mind the advice of several from here about how hard it is to get kids settled down on school nights, so when he is gone on school nights (every Wednesday) and every other Sunday afternoon) he gets home at 8 or 8:30.

 

It is a very simple easy to follow visitation schedule---not at all like the Standard Order which has you chasing your tail over every little holiday and school schedule.

 

I think now that the Custody/Visitation schedule is agreed upon, it will be much easier for Notdh to focus on the property/alimony issues.

[teamturner]

I met Notdh and we agreed on custody and visitation. I got exactly what I wanted. I get full custody and he gets the visitation schedule I set which allows ds to not ever have his religious training interupted. I'm thrilled.

 

I kept in mind the advice of several from here about how hard it is to get kids settled down on school nights, so when he is gone on school nights (every Wednesday) and every other Sunday afternoon) he gets home at 8 or 8:30.

 

It is a very simple easy to follow visitation schedule---not at all like the Standard Order which has you chasing your tail over every little holiday and school schedule.

 

I think now that the Custody/Visitation schedule is agreed upon, it will be much easier for Notdh to focus on the property/alimony issues.

 

I'm so glad you got what you wanted in this area! So does that mean he doesn't have a say in your ds's schooling?

[Scarlett]

I'm so glad you got what you wanted in this area! So does that mean he doesn't have a say in your ds's schooling?

 

Yep. That is EXACTLY what it means. :D

[elfgivas]

:party:

 

i check back twice a day to see how you're doing. it's all bringing back lots of memories...

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Scarlett]

:party:

 

i check back twice a day to see how you're doing. it's all bringing back lots of memories...

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

Thanks. Party is right. I'm nearly giddy. I feel like posting it on FB but know I can't.

 

Huge victory. The rest is stuff. My boy is the most important thing.

 

I've called half a dozen people tonight. LOL

[teamturner]

Yep. That is EXACTLY what it means. :D

 

Oh, I'm so happy to hear this! You are an awesome homeschooling mother and your son loves learning w/you. I'm glad you can keep this going!!

 

:grouphug:

[eternalknot]

I got exactly what I wanted. I get full custody and he gets the visitation schedule I set which allows ds to not ever have his religious training interupted. I'm thrilled.

 

:grouphug: Congratulations on a favorable outcome!

 

Now that the most challenging hill has been climbed, hopefully the rest of the journey will find you on flatter roads! :D

[KidsHappen]

I met Notdh and we agreed on custody and visitation. I got exactly what I wanted. I get full custody and he gets the visitation schedule I set which allows ds to not ever have his religious training interupted. I'm thrilled.

 

I kept in mind the advice of several from here about how hard it is to get kids settled down on school nights, so when he is gone on school nights (every Wednesday) and every other Sunday afternoon) he gets home at 8 or 8:30.

 

It is a very simple easy to follow visitation schedule---not at all like the Standard Order which has you chasing your tail over every little holiday and school schedule.

 

I think now that the Custody/Visitation schedule is agreed upon, it will be much easier for Notdh to focus on the property/alimony issues.

 

So glad to hear this! :hurray:

[Mama Bear]

Will be thinking of you and praying. :grouphug:

[KingM]

I can tell you what my sister would tell you. Cut as many ties with the bastard as possible. Her ex is dragging her into court over the house. Sharing custody is killing them. Sis spends half her time de-programming the girls from their dad's house. Stick it to him.

 

The bastard? Stick it to him? That seems pretty harsh words for a guy you have never met who is the ex of an internet acquaintance, with sketchy details relayed second hand.

 

Why shouldn't a father get joint custody of his children? And are all men who get divorced bastards? Is it never the woman's fault, or maybe jointly their fault, or some circumstance that they both had difficulty controlling?

 

Most fathers are good men who deserve to have time with their children, divorce or no.

 

ETA: I'm not defending Scarlett's ex, per se, just reminding people that most fathers, even most divorced fathers, still want what's best for their children and deserve to spend time with them.

Edited September 16, 2009 by KingM

[*********]

Most fathers are good men who deserve to have time with their children, divorce or no.

 

:iagree:

 

Admitedly, I have a much different POV than many women. I was raised by my FATHER, when my MOTHER decided that drugs and running around with men was more fun than being a mommy.

 

And, my dh was a single dad when we got married. He never married the mother of his two older children, but he's a fantastic father. Very involved, loves his kids, even *gasp* pays his support; has NEVER missed a payment.

 

Most moms and dads love their kids. Period. Just because mom and dad don't like each other anymore doesn't change that.

[Scarlett]

The bastard? Stick it to him? That seems pretty harsh words for a guy you have never met who is the ex of an internet acquaintance, with sketchy details relayed second hand.

 

Why shouldn't a father get joint custody of his children? And are all men who get divorced bastards? Is it never the woman's fault, or maybe jointly their fault, or some circumstance that they both had difficulty controlling?

 

Most fathers are good men who deserve to have time with their children, divorce or no.

 

ETA: I'm not defending Scarlett's ex, per se, just reminding people that most fathers, even most divorced fathers, still want what's best for their children and deserve to spend time with them.

 

Actually the words fit my particular situation and she probably has heard enough of my story to know that. My husband does not deserve joint custody. He doesn't really even deserve to see his son, but my son deserves to see him I guess. Maybe this will be his wake up call to be a better man and father.

 

I agree not all men are evil. In fact, I have a high school friend who is going through a divorce and he has joint custody of his kids....2 weeks at each parents house...and he takes them any chance he can.

[Karenciavo]

It's wonderful that you get full custody. Praying that everything else falls into place.