LinRTX Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 today. My 16yo is screamingvenom at me again. I just want everyone to know that I am absolutely the worst mom in the world and I am ruining her life and totally controling her every move. My lastest sin -- I said why don't you clean up all that stuff from the one drawer you emptied before youi dump anything else out to clean. Oh and the other sin of the day happened at 7 this morning on our morning walk together when I told her to step one step away from the edge of the road (this is a country road with very uneven pavement at the edges) so she would not twist her ankle for the fourth time this summer. Yes her life is now ruined and if I hear the words "I hate you" screamed at me once more today I think I will scrteam them back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 :grouphug: There must be something in the air, because several of us have posted today about our crazy teens and how we're ruining their lives (and how they're making us crazy in the process)! Hang in there...this, too, will pass. I promise!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in the Kootenays Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I think most of my friends are experiencing this right now to greater and lesser extents. The best advice I've been given is breathe deeply, don't take it personally and know you'll get way smarter as she gets older. And maybe let her twist her ankle one more time. :) :grouphug::grouphug: take an extra dose of whatever comfort thing you need - it's cider and chips in the company of like suffering "worst" moms here but I've heard that chocolate helps too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 :grouphug: I am so not looking forward to the teen years *sigh*. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Doesn't it help to vent and hear from other moms who have been there and done that? It really helps me to read these types of things! My latest infraction was when dh and I wanted to go talk to the parents of a boy who threatened my 11 yo and 8 yo ds with a jacknife! My 11 told him I was ruining his life! He hasn't actually said that he hates me yet. I pray it never happens. I'd be SO hurt! I still remember the one and only time I said that to my mom. I still feel sorry for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennC Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 :grouphug:BTDT, still there and more to go. My oldest has been living with my dad for a few months because I didn't know what else to do (no flames, please). During that time we've had some good cool conversations - not about discipline specifically, but sometimes about respect. It's hard for us moms to let our dc grow up. * **Disclaimer **: I am only using your experience as an example, not trying to tell you what you "should have done". Bless my heart, I may actually BE the worst mother in the world ;) But, If I may make a suggestion - not my own, but handed down to me >> - if it doesn't directly affect you or harm anyone, try biting your tongue. i.e. if it was your stuff all over the kitchen, yeah, say what you said; but if it was in her personal desk or whatever away from your vision normally - so what? If you are anything like me, on a bad day, you could answer with 100 whats. But really, in 3 years, my 15 yo will be out on his own. Let him figure out the hard way, or messy way, or painful way, or disappointed way, or . . . way, how to do it better the next time. Help him if he wants, respect it if he does not. BUT, I will not tolerate him voicing his complaints to me in a disrespectful way (I have told him this, beforehand) and I will also speak to him in a respectful manner. :grouphug:It takes so much work- reminding me of my housekeeping post a few minutes ago:grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanie78 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 And one more :grouphug: I can totally relate to how you feel. Our fifteen year old son is going through the "poor me" stage right now, and I know you couldn't possibly be the worst mom ever because according to my son that is me. LOL! It seems like just telling him "good morning" will turn into all out war. The worst thing is that my eleven year old daughter is starting that downhill attitude climb too. I can still reign her in pretty easily, but there is no reigning him back in. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 You probably aren't. If I'd been in your situation I'd have shouted "Shut the **** up!" The stars do not represent an f word, for the record, but it still wouldn't have been a nice thing to say, would it? Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachGirl Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Um, when did my daughter show up at your house. I believe she thinks she is Cinderella because I have asked her to clean the mess she made in my house. I have even told her she will have to move to her dad's if the mess is not sufficiently started by the time I get home this afternoon. (She has had over a week to get this done, things have just kept cropping up.) Argh. Why do they do this in summer when time could be fun instead of spent whining? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 (edited) Just remember that it's not really her, it's the hormones. :grouphug: There was a point when I realized how my hormones were affecting me--blaming other people for things, being angry, constant criticizing--and I realized that that's no excuse. Once I became aware, I knew I needed to keep it under control. It was my problem, not someone else's. In other words, I couldn't/shouldn't take it out on someone else. Edited July 20, 2009 by gardening momma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinRTX Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 I wish she would learn this. I know it is the hormones, since she just said she is having her monthly this afternoon. I still get so tired of her venom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinRTX Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 Thanks everyone. I needed to vent and really appreciate the sympathy. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 No. I don't. Not really. The only thing that really helped here was time and me being really petty. I finally learned to ignore those little outbursts and just act like I hardly heard them. But then two hours later when someone wanted to use the computer or go somewhere, he learned the real life lesson that when you "hate" someone and say so, they are disinclined to let you use their stuff, including their time. It took a lot of reinforcement, but he's pretty sweet most of the time at 21. The real advantage, though, is that I stopped losing my cool. If I KNEW then it happened that I would have a small but painful (to him) consequence, it helped me not respond and escalate the situation. I know people dislike Rosemond. He can have such a nasty tone, but his book "Teen Proofing" really helped DH and I. He emphasizes giving kids lots of leeway, responsibility, and decision making power, while learning how to not escalate problems but still address them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gretchen in NJ Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 :grouphug: I am so not looking forward to the teen years *sigh*. It will be here before you know it. My dd11 thinks she is a teen.:glare: I have put my foot down right now before she truly becomes a teen.:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 :grouphug: I'm impressed that you both take a 7AM walk together! Bravo. Tomorrow, you might try the *gag and handcuff* approach...for yourself. :D I have to use the technique quite often. When she speaks unkindly, out of youthful stupidity, simply smile and bridle your internal power. She will be amazed that you aren't trying to verbally retaliate. Then you can tell her that words are very powerful, and you are saving yours for something worthy. Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 My teen was a tad annoying this AM. We were driving with the younger kids and I was reminding them of their table manners for an outing with friends. My o-so-wise son butts in and informs me that he doesn't think I need to expand on the manners so much because this isn't Thanksgiving. :blink: Apparently we need to do more family dinners or I've communicated the concept badly. Sheesh! There must be something in the air that is getting into the teens lately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I wish she would learn this. I know it is the hormones, since she just said she is having her monthly this afternoon. I still get so tired of her venom! I didn't learn until I was out of my teens. Sorry!:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktyler Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I don't have a teen yet, but I have a young son who is extremely difficult. I found the book Hold onto Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld really helpful in reframing what my goal is during any "event." Gordon Neufeld's DVDs The Power to Parent are fantastic as well. Melissa Minnesota Reading Program Junkie dd(11) dd(7) ds(5) ds(1) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EthiopianFood Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 The stars do not represent an f word, for the record, but it still wouldn't have been a nice thing to say, would it? :lol::lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I wish she would learn this. I know it is the hormones, since she just said she is having her monthly this afternoon. I still get so tired of her venom! I didn't learn until I was out of my teens. Sorry!:) I have to add that nobody clued me in, either. That's probably why it took so long to figure it out. It just dawned on me one day while being particularly sarcastic. Maybe she'll take it better from someone other than you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beebalm Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You hang in there...overheard last week from my 15 year old dd...."moms are SO annoying because they're USUALLY right." Doesn't make it much easier, but you're not alone. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Ahhh...don't I have so much to look forward to in about 6 years. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgiana Daniels Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I'm SO glad I clicked on this thread. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only World's-Worst-Mother. The strife and sour words can be really upsetting, so I feel for you :grouphug: I like the PP suggestion to react almost as though not hearing the insults, then not being available to play chaffeur later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 This might sound dumb, but if it's related to her cycle you could try a chiropractor. It sorted out my cramps, which wasn't a surprise, but it virtually eradicated the mood swings that come at "that time of the month" and that was a surprise. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Just so you know...this to shall pass and you will survive. My girls are 19 and 21 and it's amazing since they both work full time how much more respect they have for me. She will wise up shortly I promise. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CookieMonster Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I have to add that nobody clued me in, either. That's probably why it took so long to figure it out. It just dawned on me one day while being particularly sarcastic. Maybe she'll take it better from someone other than you? Ditto, here. I wish my stepmother *had* clued me in - during a time that I wasn't hormonal (and in a loving, matter-of-fact, non-judgemental tone). :grouphug: to the OP (and others) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 As my oldest son was hitting puberty, I asked an older homeschooled teen whom I really admired for his advice on back-talking, etc. He said, "There's a stage when you're realizing that you have your own mind and can think thoughts different than your parents. It would have really helped me if my parents had let me know that I had a point, even if it wasn't *the* point." His advice has been really helpful to me. Oftentimes, when my teens lash out at me it's because they are perceiving that my words mean, "I don't think you are capable of adulthood, reaching a proper conclusion, or having the good sense to figure this out yourself." Sometimes they are right in that perception: I am doubting them (sometimes because of experience with them!); other times, they are perceiving it where it wasn't meant. In either case, when I'm being wise and not reactive myself, I will ask them, "Do you think by saying that I was implying that you weren't capable of ______?" I can tell you that that is an argument-stopper and a conversation-starter. I think that from what you wrote about what you said, that there is a good chance that she is perceiving that you don't think she's capable. That's not to dismiss the role of hormones, and I think young girls need to be faced with the reality that it's highly likely that whatever way they practiced dealing with their hormones with their current family will be practiced with their future husband and kids. So best to learn to deal with it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keptwoman Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Oh boy Linda, I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I hope that you are having a better one today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 (edited) This might sound dumb, but if it's related to her cycle you could try a chiropractor. It sorted out my cramps, which wasn't a surprise, but it virtually eradicated the mood swings that come at "that time of the month" and that was a surprise. Rosie :eek::svengo: Why didn't anyone tell me that either? For years I had bad cramps that made me throw up. :ack2: (this is the closest I could find to a throwing up smiley) Edited July 22, 2009 by gardening momma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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